*Following Jesse's Funeral*
Beca couldn't bear the thought of entering their old home alone (in which was already sold) to finish cleaning out their bedroom closet. His funeral had been the day before and afterwards they all helped Beca and her children settle into the old Bella's home that was scheduled for demolition since the legacy of the Bella's had fallen after Emily had graduated. It had been a horrible day, where reality had set it as they lowered him into the ground and Beca had watched with a pain in her chest she couldn't describe.
It was like there was a hole, a piece of herself had gone into the ground with him, yet her spirit had lifted knowing that it wasn't the last time he was with her, at least not physically. She had three little earth versions of him, and he'd live on through his children. They weren't him, but they had traits of him that were good, (and some of his habits that annoyed the heck out of Beca that she thought she wouldn't miss, but she did.). Teddy already seemed that he showed interest in movies, and would sit engulfed into the tv if Beca hadn't remembered to nudge him out of the chair and outside for a couple hours.
Rosie would later grow up to have his social skills, a kind heart that reaches out to people no matter how old or small, she saw no differences. She would pursue someone surely if she wanted to have a conversation, and even once followed a little girl she had met thirty seconds earlier, up an escalator in a department story to play 'hide and seek' in the store, much to Beca's horror, (and Beca had shortly thereafter bought a backpack with a leash so that her restless and kind spirit couldn't wander with strangers ever again).
"Becs? Are you ready?"
Chloe had snuck up behind her with a few large rubbermaid bins that they had planned to use to clean out Beca and Jesse's closet. Beca jumped from her deep thoughts and pulled her hand from the door handle of their old home, feeling suddenly very clammy and anxious. Chloe was patient, supportive, kind, a saint really. She had set something up so that the Bella's could watch the kids while she and Chloe went to the house. Chloe was more than happy to help Beca, and offered moral support as well.
Beca felt overwhelmed with the idea of throwing things out, and hated even more the idea of them all going through her things, so she and Chloe would go to the old house and just the two of them would go through things and decide what to donate and what to keep, and Chloe listened intently as Beca cried and tried to find a reason to keep almost everything she pulled out, but also helped be a voice of reason when Beca had tried to keep a pair of shoe laces Jesse had bought that he had never gotten the chance to put in his favorite work shoes.
Beca felt anxious as she would lock the front door soon and the realtor would hand over the spare keys to the new owners in just a few days, (but not without sneaking over to the empty house in the middle of the night first, just to smell their family room one more time)
"I didn't realize how hard this actually would be; My stomach is in knots." Beca's shaky voice answered and she felt Chloe's hand fall on her shoulder.
"It's okay. It's overwhelming and you don't have to pretend it's not. This might feel like goodbye and it may be painful, but we'll get through it. This just means a new chapter for you, new memories."
"This house has so many memories; I brought my Rosie and Teddy through that door when we came home from the hospital. Teddy fell down those stairs and Jesse and I had our first big fight over who was supposed to be watching him. Rosie and Teddy will never get to see the concern in their daddy's eyes when they learn to ride a bike and fall over, or when they get their hearts broken as a teenager. He will never see their firsts, the ones that I thought we would have in this house."
Beca felt her face flush as tears rolled down her already red and sore eyes, and it kind of burned her chapped cheeks, the ones she had been rubbing tears from for days. Though Chloe seemingly always knew what to say, this was the one thing she couldn't fix. This chapter of her life was closed and she couldn't get it back. She had to keep moving forward.
"Think of all the amazing things you'll see your children do, and though you won't be sharing those things with Jesse, you can always be, rest assured, that he would be proud and will be right there with you, spiritually. And we're all here too, and I think he would be comforted knowing that you have us watching you. You have memories to hold on to , but I don't think he'd want you to miss out on making new ones too!"
"Everything in this house feels like it holds a memory, so it's gonna be hard to let go."
Chloe sets down her bins and digs through her purse, pulling out an old, disposable camera she had picked up from the store before she came. Beca had never been super sentimental, (or at least didn't show it), but knew that she would need something to hold on to. That there would be hard days to come, days where she wished she could smell the foyer in that house one more time, or touch the soft carpet of their living room, and though she wouldn't be able to physically do it, she could still in her heart imagine it.
"Take pictures; Of the foyer where Teddy used to storm in with his muddy rain boots that Jesse let him splash in, or of the room where Rosie had her first blowout the day you brought her home. Take pictures and get them developed, so that on days you wish you could be there, it's almost like you are. Moving on doesn't mean letting go of the good times completely, even if you can't feel them, you can feel something from these."
Beca breaks down completely, feeling herself go limp and she wraps her arms around Chloe, and her snarly hair being brushed behind her ears. She wished there were words of gratitude she could put together, but there was nothing to describe how vulnerable she was and how much she appreciated them.
"I love you, weirdo. Did you know that?" She muffled into Chloe's shoulder.
"Also, disposable cameras are so early 2000's. But, thank you." Beca adds, giggling slightly.
Chloe didn't answer because she knew, but hugged Beca tighter.
"We should get over to the big house and help the girls finish moving." Beca finally breaks the silence.
"Take your time, the big house can wait. We have the rest of our lives to make memories there, but this is just another moment passing." Chloe reassures her and Beca smiles.
Chloe rummages through her purse, handing Beca the keys to the house that they would have to turn over to the realtor on their way out, and Beca squeezes it in her hand, unknowing that the slight scent of metal would linger on her hands into the evening. She was thankful that their realtor, Maisie, gave them this last moment before turning over part of her old life to start a new.
"Thank you, Maisie." Beca smiles weakly, and quickly climbs into the minivan before the tears start to pour.
Chloe let a few beats pass before starting the car and Beca instantly started sobbing when she put the car into reverse. She watched as the mailbox marked "Swanson" passed and wondered if the new family or couple would cover it with theirs. Jesse had specially made a sign above their garage that said the same thing, and his weak hand scrawl was written over the piece of wood.
He was a craft man nonetheless, and she would never admit it, but loved his work, even though it cluttered the garage. What she would give to have that little workshop back that she took for granted.
"I have one more thing for you. Open your hand." Chloe interrupts her thoughts, shutting off the engine in the driveway of the big house.
"A key?" Beca astonished.
"It's a replica of the old home one; That way you can put it on your keychain and it's like it's always there. This may be your new house, but that place will always be your home."
Beca liked to imagine Teddy and Rosie running through the halls of the home she and Jesse had bought together. She liked to laugh at the fact that when they bought it, it was a fixer-upper and she hated the idea of putting work into it but Jesse convinced her that it would get done and it was a great project. She wanted nothing to do with it at first but it ended up being the best adventure they had together in their first year of marriage.
"Jesse, you spilled paint all over the wood!" Beca had fret, "I told you to lay the plastic down all over, not just on the spot you were painting!"
Her blood boiled at the thought that they wouldn't get it out, and thought it mostly had come up, they had compromised and had laid a rug down until she had gotten pregnant with Teddy, then they had put full carpet in because she had fret that he would hit his head on the hard flooring. Jesse had thought it was a terrible idea because babies and kids in general had made messes and it would be a pain to replace. But once Teddy had been born the fears dimminshed and new memories were made and the kids were happy.
Or the time he ended up in the ER after nearly dissecting his hand in his power saw trying to build a mini rocker for Teddy's play room. She had heard his wail of agony in the garage from the kitchen, and nearly spilled her pot of boiling ramen on her bare feet rushing to find him. He had a hankie over the tips of his fingers trying to stop the bleeding, and cut most of the tips of his fingers nearly off.
He was further banned by Beca from using it when she wasn't home to find him. He could've passed out from blood loss or so much worse she feared. She was angry he had been so careless, but he claimed he had lost control on high setting and slipped. Beca hadn't cared either way and Jesse had forgone the project. How Beca wishes she hadn't been so firm with him, even though she was just worried. She still had the pieces of the chair that had been cut, and she would want to find someone to finish assembling it for her.
She vaguely remembers the night Teddy had gotten into the cabinet under the sink and spilled a can of old paint all over himself after she had forgotten to replace the child safety lock on the handles. She remembers bringing Rosie home from the hospital and she had her first diaper blowout on the carpet of her nursery. Beca haphazardly scrubbed the carpet, cursing Jesse for not changing her on the table she had specifically insisted they'd need, even though she was certain Rosie was their last baby. But soon that was just another memory. How she wished she hadn't gotten mad over superficial things that could be easily resolved.
There had even been a point when they had discussed a third kid while Beca rocked Rosie to sleep in her sliding rocker. Beca had been up all night for several nights now and she was hysterically crying, begging for this sleep regression to be a phase, but Rosie had always been a poor sleeper. Jesse couldn't have picked a worse moment to even joke about another, but he had done it and she was infuriated.
If only she had known that Jesse would be gone a week later. That her life would be turned upside down and that last baby she insisted she didn't want was already conceived and would turn out to be the last small piece of Jesse she needed. Obviously Evie was her own person, but her beautiful soul resembled pieces of Jesse that reassured her that she had been sent to watch over Beca, even through the worst of times and the hardest of pregnancies. This baby, (and the others of course) had taught her grace and patience, and had softened her more than she'd like to admit.
She remembered the day she took the test and swore she felt him there with her, promising that it was gonna be okay. She sobbed as she watched the urine creep up the stick and the pink lines appear, because after they had buried him she felt that he was gone, but now she had a piece of him still within her. Not in a corny, "in my heart" kind of way, but the presence felt physical. Of course she had Rosie and Teddy, but it was weird that after she had felt ready to try and move forward, he was pulling her back.
She felt herself spiraling, unable to grasp what she had received. Once again he had been right, this baby was what she needed at the same time she felt like it was a step back. She had thought she'd seen the last of his antics before he had died, but yet again God knew what was best for them because she was going to once again be pregnant with an (unplanned but not unwanted) baby. He was right, he wasn't there to say it, but it had been inevitable.
She wanted to call Chloe right away that morning, but she wasn't able to bring herself to do it. It was off the rails, having a baby but not being able to share the news with him, but somehow she knew he knew. And she worried once she told Chloe (though she knew it was ridiculous) she would be less eager to help. She couldn't wrap her head around everything but it would be okay. It felt like a freakin' sitcom, that was for sure! She was shaking but quickly she snorted, shaking her head and cursing him, that even in this time, his poor (but somehow always accurate) timing was mocking her from the grave.
"I know that home holds a lot of memories for you, but I can't wait to see what we'll create as a family at the big house." Chloe interrupted her thoughts, happily pulling into the driveway.
