"You cannot be serious, Gordon, tell me you're joking," Scott's voice was muffled by his hands, his whole body slumped forward in his seat as he prayed for death.
"What? It'll be fun!"
"You seriously signed us up for this? All of us? ALL OF US?" Virgil wondered how hard it would be to train Selene as his new co-pilot because the position was about to become vacant.
"No?"
"Gordon, don't answer with a question! You did, didn't you?" Scott couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"OK, yes, I did, but Penny was desperate and she said the WASP team had already signed up, we can't let them have all the glory. Come on, we can beat them, our honour is at stake!"
"Ah, that explains it, not only are you totally wrapped around her pinky, you want bragging rights," Virgil shook his head in despair.
"But Alan said it was cool!"
"Alan thinks everything is cool! And he is not the one in charge here!"
"But it's for charity!"
Scott sighed, knowing he was beaten. It was too late to back out now, plus it was for a good cause. "Fine, what's done is done, but you're the one that has to tell John."
"Easy," Gordon grinned. "No problem!"
"You can't make Selene do it for you," Virgil warned him.
"Nuts!"
Gordon stared across at their rivals, dressed in their World Aquanaut Security Patrol uniforms, looking perfectly relaxed as they chatted amongst themselves. He looked at his brothers, Alan bouncing excitedly beside him, John sandwiched between him and Virgil looking like he was about to cut and run, or duck and hide under their podium, Virgil who looked fine now that he had gotten used to the idea and finally Scott who still looked like he wanted to murder someone. It was obviously going to be a fun day.
It was hot under all lights and John could already feel the sweat beading on his brow, made a thousand times worse by the anxiety pounding through him and the metric ton of makeup they had held him down and forced on him backstage. Apparently so much time in space had left him with a completion the makeup artist had rudely called "the underbelly of a fish". Dark circles from too little sleep had been scrubbed away with something in a little tube , they had painted on layers of gunk and then brushed on so much powder he had begun sneezing and only just stopped.
All these people, a live studio audience, a too cheerful host and he was in hell, utter hell and it was all his brother's fault. Selene had told him he wasn't allowed to kill him, but John was sure there would be a way he could make Four have a sudden unexplained air lock failure while deep under the ocean.
"I can't believe we're going to be on TV!"
"Alan," Scott's voice dripped with forced patience, "we're always on TV."
Alan paused, looking surprised for a second, then brightened. "Oh yeah, we are."
"I'm in hell," John shuddered as a screaming lady with a clapper board and too much hair spray ran past their podium.
"Just don't think about it," Virgil soothed. "Focus on the fact that it's for charity, you're probably the smartest person here and soon it'll all be over and done with."
"Two minutes to go!" screamer yelled, making John jump.
Alan bounced excitedly. "This is so great, I love this show!"
"Kill me now, just tell Selene I died heroically."
"Fine, I'm happy being her backup husband."
By rights the glare John shot Scott should have been enough to make him combust on the spot, but his annoying older brother just grinned.
"One minute people!"
Gordon waved to Marina when she lifted her hand in a little acknowledgement, having already called out greetings to the others.
Troy, as usual was standing between Marina and Atlanta, Phones on the end of the line next to Marina, with Commander Shore as team leader.
"Going live in 10...9…"
"I've never dreaded a countdown more," John whispered to Scott who sniggered.
"6...5…"
"Please, welcome your host Cass Carnaby!"
The singer turned TV host bounded onto the set, waving graciously to the applauding audience.
"Hello, and thank you for joining us for another Celebrity edition of Family Feud! This week we are joined by two teams of the bravest people we know. Please, put your hands together for the guys responsible for patrolling our seas and keeping us safe, Commander Shore, Atlanta Shore, Troy Tempest, Marina and Phones, Team WASP!"
The audience applauded loudly.
"And our second team, those fast and fabulous Thunderbirds, ready to drop anything to help a person in need, the hot-shot brothers of International Rescue, Scott, Virgil, John, Gordon and Alan, Team Tracy!"
"That's it! I can get EOS to fake a call."
"No, you can't," Virgil inisited.
Gordon shot a smug look towards Troy when they received a slightly louder and longer applause, along with a few woops.
"So, Team WASP, can you tell us which charity you are playing for today?"
"Here at WASP we support many charities, but the one closest to our heart is Little Soldiers, an organisation that supports children who have lost one or both of their parents while they were on active service," Shore explained from his spot beside the podium, seated in his hoverchair.
"A very worthy cause. And, Team Tracy, what's your charity?"
"We are supporting the International Red Cross, in honour of our Grandma who volunteered for a number of years with them before she married. It's an organisation dedicated to protecting human life and health worldwide, very much like our own mission. Every life is worth saving," Scott spoke with his usual calm surety and a little note of pride.
"Wonderful. Right, let's start this game. Can I call our gallant team captains to the stand?"
Scott moved forward, as did Shore, who was handed a cordless buzzer while Scott stood with one hand behind his back, one hand next to his buzzer.
"Commander Shore, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?"
"Well, ah, my name is Samuel Shore and I have the rather dubious honour of being in charge or this bunch of layabouts." The rest of his team grumbled denials affectionately under their breath. "I spent a number of years in the Navy before I was asked to head up the construction and running of Marineville."
"Good stuff, and what about you?" Cass turned to Scott.
"I'm Scott Tracy and I'm the pilot of Thunderbird One."
Cass waited for more but Scott declined to play that game and simply stared back at him.
"Alright then, hands near your buzzers, question one and it's an easy one to ease you in, we asked a hundred people to name something that a cowboy would hate to have happen."
Shore hit his buzzer first. "Lose his horse."
"Oh, good answer, let's check the board."
The second answer 'something happen to his horse' flipped over for 22 points.
"Scott, what's your answer."
"Shoot himself in the foot," Scott answered with a perfectly straight face.
Cass chuckled. "Is it on the board? We're looking for 'shoot himself in the foot'."
A loud wah-wah sounded and a big red cross appeared on the holoscreen.
"So that means Team WASP have control, do you want to play or pass?"
Shore looked at his team who all cheered. "We'll play."
Shore returned to his spot and Cass made his way over to meet the rest of the team.
"Hello, Atlanta, tell us a little about yourself?"
"I am the communications officer based in the control tower and part of my job is to supervise the launching and docking of every craft that enters Marineville. Nothing comes in or goes out without my permission."
"Except Troy," Gordon side whispered to Alan, but unfortunately his microphone was working a little too well, earning him a glare from Atlanta, Troy and Shore.
"So, Atlanta," Cass pushed, "Can you name something a cowboy would hate to happen?"
Atlanta thought about it for a few seconds then answered confidently. "His gun not working."
"Been there," Troy nodded like it was an everyday occurrence.
"Now, Troy, you know your gun is in perfect working order," Atlanta commented innocently. Marina nodded.
"Of course it is, all our equipment is rigorously tested and maintained," Shore assured them. Troy just looked uncomfortable.
"Erm, let's check the board shall we?"
Ting! The 4th answer spun round and they all clapped happily.
"Troy, something a cowboy would hate?"
"Forgetting his beans."
"Forgetting his beans?"
"Yes, because that's what they eat out on the range."
The Tracy boys snorted with laughter.
"OK, would a cowboy hate forgetting his beans?"
Wah-wah!
"Marina, you're up."
Marina nodded.
"Name something that a cowboy would hate."
Marina stared for a moment and then pointed to her head.
"He'd hate his head?"
Marina shook her head, pointing to her head again, then mimed taking a hat off.
"Oh, OK. Let's check the board, would a cowboy hate his hat?"
Marina banged on the podium, shaking her head but it was too late.
Wah-wah
"It's not there, you have one life left team WASP, Phones, it's all up to you now. Name something a cowboy would hate?"
"Well, gee, I guess you could say that a cowboy would hate breaking his lasso."
"Is breaking his lasso there?" Cass pointed dramatically to the board.
Wah-wah
"I'm sorry, we have to pass to Team Tracy for a chance to steal."
The boys were still shrouded in their huddle.
"Cattle rustlers," Virgil suggested.
"Tractors," John answered logically.
"Broken Spur," Gordon added.
"Losing his hat," Alan threw in.
"Yes! That's a good one, let's go with that," Scott pointed at Alan.
"Team Tracy, do you have an answer?"
The boys broke their huddle and returned to their spots.
"Yes, Cass, we think a cowboy would hate it if he lost his hat."
Marina stamped her foot, gesturing angrily at the board then pointed to her head again.
"Good answer, let's see if it's there. Would a cowboy hate losing his hat?"
Ting!
The boys cheered as they won the board, Marina looked like she wanted to drown them all.
Virgil and Atlanta took to the stand.
"So, Virgil, tell us a bit about you, preferably more than Scott did."
Scott shrugged, uncaring as to the shade that had been thrown his way.
Virgil turned on the charm, grinning at Atlanta who smiled back.
"I pilot Thunderbird Two, but in my spare time I enjoy painting and making sweet music."
"A fellow musician, wonderful. Alright, question two, hands to your buzzers. We asked a hundred people to name something that a burglar wouldn't want to see when they break into a house."
Virgil slammed his hand down on his buzzer.
"A large dog!"
"Well I know I wouldn't want to see that if I was breaking into a house. Is a large dog on the board?" Cass pointed to the board. Ting!
The Tracys cheered as Virgil got the top answer.
"We're going to play," he winked at Atlanta and strutted back to his spot, Cass following.
Cass stopped in front of John, who looked like he was about to be sick, his knuckles white on the podium as he gripped on for dear life.
"So, the elusive John Tracy, want to tell us a little about yourself?"
John blinked, his eyes wide in horror as a camera moved closer, paralysed with anxiety now the focus was entirely on him.
"Anything at all?"
Gordon nudged John in the ribs with his elbow.
"Space!"
Cass frowned briefly before his forehead smoothed out.
"Space?" he nodded as if that explained everything when it obviously didn't.
Gordon leaned over to speak into John's microphone, why, Cass had no idea.
"John heads up our communications in our control hub based in stationary orbit high above the earth. He's the one that answers the many calls for help we receive, from there he coordinates our rescues."
"Communications? Are you sure?"
John nodded dumbly.
"OK then, so, something a burglar wouldn't want to see when they break into a house."
John's hands shook a little and his head felt fuzzy. He forced himself to suck in a deep breath, his body apparently forgetting that it needed oxygen. His mind had gone totally and utterly blank. It had failed him! The pressure, the people, the audience going from whispering to outright talking as he stood there, frozen on the spot.
"Come on, John, you got this," Virgil encouraged.
Nope, he'd got nothing, there was nothing left to get.
"I'm going to have to hurry you."
Think, brain, think! He closed his eyes, trying to block out everything going on around him and conjure up the most horrifyingly terrifying thing he could think of. His brain twitched feebly, and he mentally prodded it. Don't you quit on me now!
"Five seconds."
"Say something! ANYTHING!" Gordon pushed.
John desperately rooted around in his mind for something, anything at all and finally a memory surfaced, one he had overheard at college from a dorm neighbour who had come back from a weekend at his girlfriend's…
"Two seconds."
"Naked Grandma!"
The audience burst into shocked laughter, Gordon almost collapsed he was laughing so hard and Alan just looked horrified, like John's words had conjured up an image he really didn't want to see.
John groaned in disbelief at what had just passed his lips. He'd never live this down. He was never leaving Five again.
"Erm… OK, is…" Cass paused to compose himself, "is naked Grandma on the list?"
Wah-wah.
"Sorry, John, bad luck," Cass commiserated, moving quickly on. "Gordon, nice to meet you."
Gordon hurriedly pulled himself together, wiping his streaming eyes and coughing to clear his throat.
"Great to meet you too, Cass, I just have to say that I loved you guys back in the day."
"Thank you. I hear you are the underwater specialist, piloting Thunderbird Four, is that correct?"
"Yep, that's me and my little yellow 'bird."
"Can you name something that a burglar wouldn't want to see when they break into a house?"
"A security camera."
"Good answer, bro!" Alan encouraged.
"Is security camera on the list?"
Ting!
"Well done, Gordon, now, Alan, can you name something that a burglar wouldn't want to see when they break into a house?"
"A homeowner with a gun?"
Scott's head thumped down into his hand.
"Is 'a homeowner with a gun' there?"
Ting!
"Alan! You did it!" Scott actually looked shocked.
"I'm insulted you doubted me!"
"Last round and it's the double money round, giving team WASP a chance to play in the final if they win this one. Can we have Troy and John to the stand please?"
Virgil unpeeled John's hands from the tabletop in front of them and Gordon shoved a hyperventilating John to the front while Troy swaggered over with his usual confidence. John was doomed.
"Welcome, so, Troy, can you tell us a little about what it is you do at WASP?"
"Hey, Cass, I'm Captain Troy Tempest and I am in charge of the world's most advanced, and versatile submarine, Stingray-"
"Lies, Tempest!" Gordon protested. "Stingray is nothing compared to Four."
"That tiny little thing?" Troy snorted dismissively, "if that came up against a Terror Fish it would fall apart."
Virgil grabbed Gordon around the waist before he could launch himself at his old commanding officer. Gordon struggled, arms and legs flailing as Virgil lifted him bodily off his feet.
"That hulking heap of junk you call a sub would never survive a rescue! Bring it on, Tempest!"
"We asked a hundred people to name something they would take on a date." Cass shouted over the yells coming from Team WASP.
Troy was too busy glaring daggers at Gordon to hear the question and John was too focused on trying to turn invisible and praying for the ground to open up and swallow him.
"You never did respect your superiors, boy!"
"I left to join the real winning team!"
"Troy! John! Something you would take on a date?" Cass yelled over their arguing, trying to get their attention.
"John! Hit the buzzer!" Scott called over the insults flinging their way across the studio floor.
"Your breath is worse than Oinks, Tempest!"
"Your backstroke is weak, Tracy! You look like a flailing frog!"
John couldn't force his hands to move, frozen in place, he wasn't going to risk saying the wrong thing again.
"WHAT WOULD YOU TAKE ON A DATE?!"
Troy snapped to attention and punched the buzzer button. "Condoms!"
Atlanta groaned, hiding her face in her hands as her father glared first at Troy and then at her, obviously not liking that answer.
"Are condoms on the list?"
Ting! Third answer.
"John, for a chance to steal?"
John just shook his head, refusing to say a word.
"Team WASP, I take it you're playing?"
"We are, Cass," Troy made the 'I'm watching you' gesture at Gordon who made a grab for his water bottle ready to launch it at the other man but Scott snatched it out of the way.
Troy grinned as he rejoined his team.
Cass lent against the WASP podium, looking casual but actually trying to block Troy's view of the Tracy boys who, along with John whom Scott had just dragged back, were already in a huddle discussing possible answers.
"Marina, care to tell us a little about yourself?"
Marina stared at him.
"Erm, Marina doesn't actually talk," Troy admitted.
Cass rolled his eyes in utter disbelief. They had seriously brought someone who didn't speak to a game show? He should have stuck to singing, sure the hours were longer and his music had been twisted to sabotage transporter planes, but anything was better than this.
"Well, we'll give it a go. Marina, what would you take with you on a date?"
Marina tapped her chin as she thought about it, then lifted her hand to her ear.
"You'd take your hand?"
Marina didn't need to speak to convey exactly how dumb she thought Cass was being at that moment.
"No?"
She shook her head, then pointed to her ear and held the hand against her ear again.
"You'd take your ear, so you could listen to your date! Good answer! Is a listening ear on the board?"
Wah-wah!
Marina turned her back on Cass, infuriated with the stupid boy. How hard was it to get that she was miming a phone?
"Phones, I take it that's a nickname?" Cass tried hard to defuse the situation as the Tracy boys cackled evilly.
"That's right, my mama christened me George but I've been called Phones since my cadet days due to my skills with the Hydrophones."
"Makes sense. So, tell me, something you'd take on a date?"
"I'd take money, because no little lady is going to pay her way if I'm taking her out."
His team clapped loudly, finally a sensible answer.
"Is money on the board?"
Ting! 6th answer.
"Commander Shore, name something you'd take on a date, sir?"
"Flowers, who doesn't like flowers?"
Ting, 5th answer and the WASP team erupted into cheers as they won the board, the Tracy boys groaning as they broke their huddle, not having had a chance to use any of their answers, though John looked hugely relieved that he wouldn't have to speak again.
"Let's check our scores, The WASP team just earnt 43 points, which we're going to double, giving them a score of 86, but, with two rounds won and a score of 117 the Tracy family are through to the final!"
"Sucks to be in your sub!" Gordon screamed in triumph as his brothers, apart from John who was still doing his impression of a statue, celebrated.
"Congratulations, Tracy family, that was very well played. Can I ask who is going to be representing you in the final?"
"That would be Gordon and Virgil," Scott announced, much to Alan's disappointment and John's relief.
"And who's joining me first?"
"Virgil is."
Virgil came round the podium and joined Cass in the spotlight for the final round while Gordon was escorted off the set so he couldn't hear his brother's answers.
"In this round we're looking for five top answers and at least two hundred points. If you get all five tops your charity will win £50,000. If you only manage to get the two hundred points we'll add £10,000 to your score total, bringing your total prize money to £10,117. If you get over two hundred and all five top answers, we'll give £100,000 to your chosen charity."
The audience whooped and wooed in delight.
"No pressure then?" Virgil gulped, his confident smile slipping just a little.
"You'll have twenty seconds to answer all your questions, just say the first thing that comes into your mind. Are you ready?"
Virgil took a deep breath, getting in the zone, then nodded. "Sure, let's do this."
"Name a part of the body that starts with the letter T?"
"Toe!"
"Name something you'd practice kissing on?"
"Kayo!"
Scott's shocked laugh rolled through the studio along with Alan's shocked gasp of "I knew it!"
"Name a word that comes after 'pork'?"
"Chop!"
More clapping and support.
"One of the seven dwarfs?"
"Dopey!"
"Name a yellow fruit."
"Lemon!"
Virgil huffed out a breath and accepted his applause graciously.
"Well done, let's check your scores. You said, Toe. Our survey said?" Ding, top answer and a loud cheer.
"You said…Kayo. How many people said Kayo?" Wah-wah. Virgil slumped, he couldn't believe he'd said that. She was going to kill him.
"Never mind, don't worry, that's why Gordon is here. You said, chop. Our survey said?" Ding! Top answer.
"Next question, you said Dopey and a hundred people said…" Ding! Top answer.
"And lastly I asked you to name a yellow fruit. You said lemon…" Ding! Top answer.
"That was excellent, four top answers and a score of a hundred and sixty-three points. You may go and rejoin your team while we welcome Gordon back!"
Gordon trotted on stage waving to the audience and took up his place, bouncing in the spot.
"Are you ready?"
"I was born ready, Cass."
"I'm going to ask you five questions, if you give me an answer that Virgil has already said I'll ask you for another. Your brother did really well, he got four of the top answers and 163 points meaning you only need to find one top answer and score thirty seven points. Just clear your mind and say the first thing you think of. OK?"
"Clear my mind, easy. I got this! Let's do it."
"A body part beginning with the letter 'T'?"
"Toe." Boop
"Another."
"Titties!"
Scott groaned, his brother was a disgrace. Alan collapsed on Virgil who was also laughing.
"Something you would practice kissing on?"
"A poster!"
The audience screamed excitedly.
"Something that comes after the word 'pork'?"
"Chop." Boop
"Another!"
Gordon paused, floundering, his mind having gone blank. He could hear the countdown timer ticking away loudly, mocking him. What was that other thing that they called a chop?
"First thing you think of, we need an answer. Something that comes after the word, pork?"
"...cupine?"
Loud giggling filled the studio.
"One of the seven dwarves?"
"Stupid? That was one wasn't it?"
"Name a yellow fruit?"
"Orange!"
Gordon deflated, knowing that he'd likely screwed up the whole thing. Who the hell said titties?
Cass put a commiserating arm around his shoulders and turned him to look at the screen.
"Don't worry, you had some good answers there. Let's just see how you did. You said…titties, how many people said that?" Ting! Nine points.
"Yes! I wasn't the only one!"
Cass chuckled. "Next you said poster, our survey said?" Ding! Top answer and thirty one points. The audience went wild!
The rest of the boys poured out, Alan dragging a silent John, and surrounded Gordon in a group hug.
"So, how did it…go?" Selene trailed off as Scott deposited a comatosed looking John onto the couch next to her.
"We won!" Alan cheered, high fiving Brains.
"That's g-great."
"Yeah, that's fantastic, but what the hell did you do to him?" she lent over to look at her love. "John? Sweetie, can you hear me?"
Nothing.
"Anyone home?" she patted his hand. He blinked but remained motionless.
"You broke my boyfriend!"
"Fiancée," John corrected before returning to his near dead state.
