A/N: Finally, I'm back at it!

Letters to Harm

Chapter 32: May

My Dearest Harm,

Forgive me, but I'm feeling more down than usual-I know, hard to believe things could get any worse...I had a dream about you, about us last night. We were back on the ferry in Sydney, only this time when you called me Sarah, you didn't tell me I should be flattered that you wouldn't just let go with me, you told me you loved me. You kissed me, and I knew then that we would be together forever. But then I woke up next to him and that beautiful dream of us just shattered. I must have awakened him with my stirrings because the next thing I knew, he was pressing me down into the bed and hurting me...again. He called me Sarah over and over...

Harm, I hate the sound of my own name.

When he isn't calling me Sarah, he calls me 'luv'. Luv...like love has anything to do with this.

I have to admit, and Harm, it pains me to say this...I'm angry with you. If only you had kissed me in Sidney...if only you had told me you loved me...if only...I'm so sorry Harm.

I may be angry, but Harm...I still miss you.

I still love you.

Mac


May 4th, 2004

1205 Local

JAG Headquarters

Falls Church, VA

Harm glanced up at the clock hanging in his office, noting that it was five minutes past noon. Harm's concern grew; it wasn't like Mac to be late, and with the events of last night and this morning, he had already been unsettled. He waited another two minutes, then reached for his cell phone, intent on calling Mac to make sure everything was alright. Just then, Mac came through the door, their daughters in a double stroller in front of her. Tricia sat in the front seat, grinning when she saw Harm, while Emily was in her carrier, latched into the seat behind Tricia.

"Hey, there's my favorite girls," he said, intensely relieved. Mac gave Harm a wan smile as he flipped his phone closed and stood up to come around his desk. Tricia immediately held her arms up to her daddy, and he quickly unhooked her from her seat to lift her into his arms. Leaning close to Mac's ear, he whispered, "Is everything…"

"No," she answered in a clipped tone, but then her eyes filled with tears. "Oh, Harm…I'm…I'm sorry…"

Harm's own eyes stung a little, but he held it together. "No, Mac. I'm sorry. I—"

"Harm…you didn't mean…to…"

"I know, sweetheart, but…" Harm sighed.

"Harm, I'm really not upset about…about that…I'm upset about how I reacted."

"It's okay, Mac…I'm…I'm…um, are you sure you're alright to be here? I would have understood if…if…"

"I'm alright," she interrupted softly. "I'll be…I'll be fine, Harm. I wouldn't want to miss lunch with the admiral." She didn't meet his gaze, however; Harm knew she was still struggling.

"It's gonna be okay, Mac." He tentatively rested his free hand on her shoulder and was relieved when she reached up and gripped it with her own. She closed her eyes and nodded again, but she couldn't stop a single tear from slipping down her cheek. Automatically Harm moved his hand to brush it aside, and he was warmed when she didn't pull away. Instead, she leaned into his touch. Tricia looked on and then turned her little face up to her daddy. "Why Mama cwy?"

Harm looked over at Mac and this time she did meet his eyes. "I'm okay, sweetie," she told her daughter. Husband and wife held each other's gaze until the sound of their baby daughter still in her car seat broke the moment.

Mac turned away from him and went about freeing Emily. With her back toward him, she started to apologize for being late. "I'm sorry we're a little late; Emmy decided she needed a diaper change—had to put her into a whole new outfit."

"It's okay, Mac. Lunch isn't ready yet anyway." He didn't want her to know how worried he'd been for those five minutes. "Which gives me a chance to show off my girls!" He wiggled his eyebrows at Tricia as he said it, and the little girl giggled. Mac, however, clearly wasn't so lighthearted. Harm could see her back stiffen as she raised Emily to her shoulder, then slowly turned around.

"Harm…could I just…" She motioned around his office.

Harm gave her a sympathetic smile. "Of course. Just have a seat and I'll come get you when lunch is ready." Mac's expression morphed into one of relief.

This wasn't the first time Mac had been back to the office since her arrival there in September. Harm had brought her by shortly before they'd married, and neither had been prepared for her reaction. She'd started sobbing on the ride home and Harm couldn't figure out why; she'd seemed happy enough seeing Jen, Gunny, the Roberts', and the admiral. When she'd calmed somewhat, she'd apologized profusely, and after much cajoling, she'd admitted that it had finally truly hit her that she would never be a marine again. Yes, they'd discussed such things in therapy and at home before that, but when she saw again where she'd once been so confident and respected, this time through eyes colored by fear and loss, it had been like a stab in the gut. They'd talked it out, talked more during therapy, and she was slowly moving toward acceptance of that. Harm had only once brought up the fact that she had been a lawyer as well, a damn good one at that, but she'd looked back at him with such sadness in her gaze that he decided to leave it up to her to decide if she wanted to explore that subject any further.

However, despite her continued difficulties, which included occasional nightmares and bouts of tears and anger, Mac had made great strides since Emily had been born. She was driving again, getting out on her own for various appointments, and would soon be trying a new hearing device that would give her a measure of her hearing back. She'd brought the girls a couple of times to have lunch with their daddy, and those visits had gone better than that first visit after her return. Today, the admiral was having a fairly informal luncheon to celebrate his retirement. He'd had to stay on a bit longer than he would have liked, but as of this coming Friday, he would be a free man. There would be a more formal ceremony then, but he'd decided that he would like to say goodbye to his staff in a more relaxed fashion. Mac had been looking forward to it, but late last night and this morning, she'd experienced a setback—or to be accurate, they'd experienced a set back.

As Mac settled herself into his desk chair, looking fairly tired and drawn, Harm couldn't help but think of what had happened…and how it was all his fault…


Flashback…

"God, Mac…you're beautiful…" Harm came up behind Mac as she finished washing the last vestiges of makeup off her face, wrapping his arms around her before leaning down and kissing her behind her ear. She smiled at him in the mirror, then turned around to wrap her arms around his neck. Her full breasts pressed against his chest and he moaned as her nipples hardened at the contact. Harm allowed his hands to drift down until one of them cupped her six. He was growing hard and Mac responded by reaching down in between them to stroke his member through his boxers.

"Oh, god, Mac," he gasped, just before he lowered his lips to hers. Their kiss was deep, passionate, and Harm knew he'd never tire of the taste of her.

Gradually he coaxed her into the bedroom, pulling off her nursing tank top as they crossed the room. By the time they'd made it to the bed, their respective boxers were off, and Harm was sliding his fingers through the warm wetness of her center. Her whimper into his mouth spurred him on, and soon they were on the bed, Harm cradled in between her thighs. Their kissing grew more fevered, and before long Harm was stroking his manhood through her slick folds. She cried out in pleasure when he finally entered her fully, and for a moment, Harm simply enjoyed the sensation of being sheathed in her warmth.

Mac had grown more adventurous and confident sexually since that first time in their tub, and Harm continued to be amazed by her strength in the face of everything she'd been through. Life was good, and as Harm began to move within her, they shared loving smiles.

"Oh god, Mac, what you do to me," he began to speak. "I love you so much. I love showing you how much. Oh, Sarah…"

Harm thrusted a couple more times before he became aware that Mac was no longer responding, had become rigid underneath him. Her eyes were screwed shut, and her breath came in short pants. "Mac?" She didn't respond, so he lifted a hand to brush the hair away from her forehead. At that, she raised her arms, placing her hands on his chest and pushing him away. Harm immediately pulled out of her and sat himself up. Mac was soon sitting up as well, her knees drawn to her chest as she wrapped her arms around them. Harm watched her for a few moments before he tentatively rested his hand on her shoulder.

His touch was not welcome.

"Don't touch me." Her voice was low and deadly calm and it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He quickly removed his hand.

"Mac?"

"I said, don't touch me!" She leaned away from him and Harm looked on in confusion. He hadn't been touching her, but it apparently hadn't registered with her.

"Okay, Mac, I won't touch you," he said, trying to be soothing, while she stared ahead of her, eyes unfocused. Several heartbeats passed before he spoke again. "Mac, what happ—"

Mac suddenly bolted from the bed and nearly ran to the bathroom. "Leave me alone!" It was obvious that she'd started to cry. The bathroom door slammed behind her, leaving a very confused Harm in its wake. The sound startled Emily awake, and she began to wail.

Harm tried to remember his every action, his every word as he slid out of bed to comfort his daughter, and just as he leaned down to pick her up, it hit him.

Sarah…he'd called her Sarah…

"Oh, god…" he mumbled as he cradled Emily to his bare chest. He walked the floor a few times, bouncing her a bit and patting her back, all while castigating himself for his slip. It was made all the worse by the fact that it had happened while they had been making love.

Harm was desperate to apologize to Mac and try to make it better, but his daughter was having none of that. She continued to cry as they walked, cried as he changed her diaper, and cried when he slid back into bed with her laying on his chest. He started to sing, which generally worked to soothe her, but to say he was unsuccessful was an understatement. Emily wailed, her sobs utterly heartbreaking, and Harm suspected she could feel the unrest in the room.

Several minutes passed, and Harm was just about to go make Emily a bottle when the bathroom door opened and a pale Mac stepped out. Her eyes were puffy and her face was still tear-stained. She slowly approached the bed, stopping beside him before she reached for Emily. "Here, let me…" Harm handed Emily over to her mother and Mac went around to gingerly sit on her side of the bed. She shifted the robe she had put on a bit so Emily could latch onto her breast and the baby immediately calmed and began to suck away hungrily.

Harm clenched and unclenched his fists, not sure how to bring up what had just happened, while he listened to his daughter's little sighs and swallows as she ate. Emily rarely woke up at night, but when she did, often only her mother's breast would soothe her, and he wondered why he thought anything else could work to quiet the little baby. At nearly four months old, Emily was still fairly tiny, but, like her older sister, she was perfect and healthy. Harm had watched her sleep many a night, awed at what Mac had given him. Most of the time, he forgot he wasn't her actual biological father, especially since she continued to look so much like Mac. Mac had been right about her eyes too; they were blue, nearly identical to Harm's when he was at peace and happy. He suspected they would begin to change with her moods, just like his, and he continued to wonder at this beautiful gift from God.

Emily eventually pulled away from her mother's breast and was now sleeping contentedly. Harm and Mac sat in awkward silence for several long moments, until Harm finally screwed up the courage to open his mouth.

"Mac, honey, I'm so, so sorry."

"For what?" There was a hitch in her voice, and his feelings of guilt intensified.

"For calling you…for saying…"

"Sarah?" she whispered bitterly.

Harm's shoulders slumped as he nodded. "Yeah."

Mac didn't say anything more, wouldn't even look at him, and eventually got up to set Emily back into her crib. The baby whimpered, awakening the moment her back touched the cradle, and Mac gathered her back up. She walked to the bedroom door, turning only slightly to speak to him. "I'm going to take her to her room and sit with her—don't want her keeping you up." She moved to open the door, her hand pausing on the doorknob when Harm called her name.

"Mac, baby…we should discuss this…"

Mac yanked the door open. "Not now, Harm. We…we will…but n-not, n-not—" She stepped across the threshold into the hall.

"Maaac…" Mac shook her head, her back toward him, and shut the door behind her. He knew she was crying again, and he felt his own hot tears sliding down his face.


This morning, Harm found Mac dozing in the nursery, Emily sleeping peacefully in her crib. Harm hated to wake Mac, but he had to leave for work, and he didn't want her believing he'd abandoned her when she woke to find him gone.

Harm, reluctant to touch her and frighten her, called to her softly. She awoke almost instantly, and as soon as her eyes opened, they filled with tears.

"Harm…I'm sorry about…"

"No, Mac. I'm sorry. I can't believe I—"

"Harm, no," she interrupted him and stood up from the rocking chair, rolling her neck a few times to work out the kinks. "My reaction was…ridiculous."

Harm shook his head. "No, it wasn't, Mac." Mac merely shrugged. "Um, Mac…I gotta get to work. Are you going to be okay here? Do you want me to tell the admiral you can't come today?"

Mac's eyes widened in dismay before a flash of anger went through them. "No, Harm. I'm perfectly capable of getting us there."

"I know that, Mac…but last night…"

"I'm fine, Harm." She cut him off.

He blinked at her a few times, then sighed. "Okay, Mac. I'd better get going. See you at noon, alright?" He leaned down out of habit to kiss her goodbye, and it broke his heart when she held her hand up to ward him off.

"Please, Harm," was all she said before he nodded and left.

But now, thank goodness, she was here, and she seemed to be a little better than she was this morning. He was about to tell her he'd take Tricia and check on lunch, when his older daughter started to squirm in his arms. He looked back toward the door, and there he saw AJ leaning against the frame. Harm put Tricia down and she quickly ran to her Gampa Am-al, who scooped her up with a laugh and a hearty hello. "Hey, Mac," he said, glancing over at his former chief of staff. His expression morphed into one of concern as he took in her appearance. "You okay, Mac honey?" Harm was sure his CO didn't realize he was using such an endearment here at the workplace; he was nearly retired and had spent many days with the Rabbs for one reason or another.

Mac gave him a sad smile. "It was a rough night, sir, but I'm better." Mac always did her best to be completely truthful to her surrogate father, even if she did minimize things a bit.

His care for her showing clearly on his face, AJ nodded. "I see…I'm sorry, Mac." Mac smiled a genuine smile then.

"Thank you, Admiral."

"It's still admiral, huh?" He grinned back at her, obviously enjoying their now common bantering about what Mac called him.

"'Fraid so, Admiral. Her smile widened, and Harm felt a surge of relief.

The rest of the afternoon went on without incident. Everyone fawned over Tricia and Emily during lunch and Mac, though she wasn't entirely relaxed, seem to enjoy her time at JAG. Harm left work a couple of hours after Mac and the girls had gone, and he prayed for an equally enjoyable evening.


2210 Local

Rabb Residence

Falls Church, VA

"Bathroom's free," Mac said as she stepped into the bedroom. Harm had already changed into a t-shirt and boxers, even though he hadn't worn a t-shirt to bed since they had started making love again. He wanted to do everything he could to make her comfortable again. He set his book aside and scooted from the bed, feeling Mac's eyes on him as he stood up.

"Mac?" He watched as her gaze drifted down to his t-shirt. She wrung her hands together, and Harm wasn't sure how to interpret her expression. She looked nervous, but there was something else there too. He suddenly wondered if she was afraid to sleep next to him. After all, she'd spent the night in the nursery with Emily. "Mac, do you want me to go sleep in the guestroom?" Harm knew he'd said exactly the wrong thing when he watched her face drain of color and her eyes fill with tears.

"You—you don't want to be here with me?" she asked in a small voice. A few tears slipped down her cheeks and Harm, not for the first time, wanted to flog himself.

"No, god, no, Mac…I was just afraid you wouldn't be comfortable in here with me after…after what…last night…" He wanted to rush over there and hold her, but he wasn't sure how that would be received.

"I'm s-s-sorry." She started to sob, and Harm did walk over to her then.

"No, Mac, you have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. Mac, honey, what can I do?" He stood by her helplessly.

Mac looked up at him, her emotional pain evident on her face. She took in a few deep breaths. "Could you…could you just hold me?"

Oh, Mac… "I can do that, sweetheart." He opened his arms to her and she immediately fell into them. He gathered her close, feeling her tears soak his t-shirt. He didn't say anything more.

He just held her.


May 26th, 2004

1235 Local

Rabb Residence

Falls Church, VA

May had been a difficult month. For all the strides she had made, certain dates had sent her back to the misery of her previous existence. First, there had been the anniversary of the day she and Harm had first made love. Yes, it was a beautiful memory, but it would be forever touched by the events that happened a mere seven days later on May 19th. On that day three years ago, Mic had shown up at her home to terrorize her and threaten little AJ.

Mac had been jumpy and irritable the whole day, and the night before and the night after had been fraught with vivid nightmares that left her screaming in the night. Harm did his best to chase the monsters away for her, but he knew he'd never be able to truly erase the memory of her trauma.

Now it was May 26th, the day she was to have married Mic. Mic had called it their anniversary despite no actual wedding having taken place, and he always had something "special" in mind for her on those days. He'd beaten her unconscious on their "first" anniversary after raping her repeatedly, causing the worst recurrence of her vertigo she'd ever had, and on the their "second" anniversary, he'd broken at least a couple of ribs before he'd violated her. Mac had been terrified that a jagged edge of rib would puncture a lung. Thankfully, that hadn't happened, though Mac had wondered how long it would be before either that or something even worse would befall her.

Mac had been restless all night, and she knew she'd likely kept Harm awake. He'd tried to hold her, but she soon found his hold suffocating, her memories of Mic intruding on the reality of Harm. She'd finally gotten up and grabbed her robe and blanket and sat outside on the back deck, curled up in a reclining chair. Harm had found her there an hour later, shivering in the unseasonably cool May morning. He'd asked her what was going on, not remembering it was three years to the day of her planned wedding to Mic. When she reminded him, he'd paled and looked almost green. She'd told him about her other "anniversaries" and he'd actually vomited up his dinner before crying in her arms, and Mac worried there was going to be a repeat of that. He pulled himself together, though, holding her fiercely for long moments until he picked her up and tucked her back into bed. He'd wanted to stay home with her, but he had court, so he could only promise to be home as early as possible. She told him not to worry, but inside her anxiety threatened to choke her.

The day didn't improve when he told her Rene had called him and asked if she could stop by and pick up the last of her things. Most of it was just random junk, but his ex-wife had apparently realized she'd left her grandmother's wedding ring amongst the items, and he could understand why she'd wanted it back. She was just going to be in town for the day, so did she mind if Rene stopped by?

Mac thought she'd rather have a root canal performed by a parrot, but at least she was feeling far more confident about herself than she had when she'd first met Rene again. She'd agreed and now here she was, cleaning up her and her daughters' lunch, awaiting the arrival of a woman she'd never liked.

Mac swiped a wet dishrag over the kitchen table and was rinsing the rag out in the sink when the doorbell rang. At least she has the courtesy not to just barge in, Mac thought to herself. She realized she'd spoken too soon when she saw Rene standing in the front hall.

"I used my key—hope you don't mind." The blond woman flashed a smile about as fake as her hair color, while Mac wondered why Harm hadn't had the locks changed months ago. Mac mentally rolled her eyes and smiled back.

"Of course not, Rene. Your stuff is on the dining room table." At that moment, Tricia appeared at the top of the stairs, apparently deciding today of all days to forgo her usual nap.

"Mama!" the little girl cried before she started down the stairs. Mac caught her halfway down and returned to Rene, who still stood by the front door. Mac couldn't quite read the other woman's expression; it seemed to be a cross of sadness, irritation, and then studied indifference.

"So, this is Harm's kid," Rene said, a hint of snide in her tone.

"Uh, yeah…anyway, your stuff's in the dining room. I'll just—" Mac turned away from the awkward moment, but Rene's voice stopped her.

"You know," she started, sounding a little sad now. "Despite everything that happened with Harm and me, I'm glad he got what he always wanted, and I'm—I'm glad you're okay, Mac." Mac looked at her in surprise.

"Um…thanks…Rene. And I'm sor—"

Rene interrupted her. "I know. It's okay." The two women stood there a moment, the silence growing rather heavy until Tricia piped up.

"Who dat, Mama?" she asked, pointing at Rene. Mac lowered her daughter's arm, a bit embarrassed by her daughter's rudeness. Sure, Tricia was only two, but she suspected Rene would be a bit more insulted than the average person. She was surprised when Rene gave her daughter what looked like a genuine smile.

"I'm a friend of your daddy's, sweetie." She turned toward Mac again. "I'll just grab my things and get out of your hair. And don't worry, I'll show myself out."

"Oh, okay, Rene. Thanks," Mac stammered out, while Tricia squirmed in her mother's arms to be let down.

"Wanna play, Mama!" Mac set her child down, knowing she was going to go straight to Harm's collection of toy planes. Sure enough, with rather astounding speed, Tricia made it to the corner of the den. Rene watched her through the doorway.

"So…he's corrupted her already?" Rene asked, raising an eyebrow.

Mac actually chuckled. "Yeah…I guess so." Just then the phone rang, and Rene motioned for her to go get it while she headed toward the dining room.

Mac grabbed the cordless in the kitchen. "Rabb residence," she said smartly.

"Hey, beautiful. Rene get her things?" Mac smiled at the sound of her husband's voice.

"Actually, she's still here," she answered, having not heard Rene go out the door yet.

"Oh, sorry, honey."

"It's okay, Harm. She doesn't bother me," Mac answered truthfully. In the grand scheme of things, once she'd realized the importance of her existence in Harm's life, the idea of Rene hadn't bothered her…much.

"Really?" Harm asked, surprise evident in his voice. It made Mac chuckle.

"Really, Harm. Aren't you supposed to be in court?"

"We broke for lunch, but I need to get back in there in twenty. Closing arguments next, but this one's pretty much sown up." Harm spoke confidently, and as he'd discussed some of the aspects of the case with her, Mac knew he'd had reason to. A thought flashed through her mind that she could one day return to law, and even as she brushed it aside, she knew she should think about it someday. For now, though, she had other things to get through. She had her arm to be reset in the next couple of months, her hearing device, something called a bone-anchored hearing aid or BAHA, to get used to before one would be surgically implanted, and of course two young children. She wasn't ready now by any means, but she would really love for her and Harm to have another child together as well. Law would have to wait.

But maybe not forever, spoke a voice inside her head.

"How're the girls?" Harm's voice brought her back to the present. She could hear the smile in it as he asked about his children. No father loved his children as much, she thought.

"They're fine. Emmy's napping and Tricia decided to play with your planes instead." Harm chuckled in her ear.

"That's my girl!" he exclaimed proudly. "Well, Mac, I'd better skedaddle. See you soon. Love you, baby."

"Love you too, Harm, but skedaddle, Harm? Really?"

Harm laughed again before giving her a final goodbye. Mac set the phone down, only to have it ring again.

I thought you needed to 'skedaddle', Harm. She rolled her eyes even as she smiled and picked up the phone.

"I thought you had closing arguments to give, Harm." He didn't answer, but Mac heard him breathing. "Harm?"

"Guess again."

Mac gasped, gripping the phone tightly in her hand, her knuckles whitening with the effort. It was his voice, a voice she'd started to believe she'd never hear again, and she wondered how on earth she hadn't sensed his presence.

"Mic…"

"Well, give the lady a meat pie." His voice dripped sarcasm, and Mac felt her whole body start to shake. Harm, I need you, she screamed in her mind.

"How…how did you get this number," she asked, knowing that the how didn't matter in the least.

"Did you really think I wouldn't find you, Sarah?"

Oh god oh god oh god…Mac felt the bile rising in her throat. AJ! Her mind screamed again, this time for the little boy. I have to keep him safe!

She had to keep her daughters safe…

Mac started to move toward the counter where her cellphone rested.

"Ah, ah, ah, Sarah, luv…don't do anything stupid." Oh, dear Jesus, where is he? She looked frantically around her.

"Look over here, Sarah." Though he hadn't given her any actual direction, Mac knew without a doubt where she'd find him. She slowly turned toward the back door, knowing it was locked, but knowing the huge pane of glass in it wouldn't stop anything. Mac had another thought.

The security system! What happened?! Had she not activated it? Did Mic do something with it? Oh, God, please, someone help us!

Mac finished her turn and lifted her head. She only caught a glimpse of Mic's hulking figure before the glass in the door exploded inward. Mac instinctively stumbled back, the phone dropping to the floor and shattering before she felt her feet slip from underneath her. She landed hard on her backside, and then suddenly, he was looming above her.

"Hello, luv."


End Chapter 32