"If one day we lose each other for the battles, I would like you too move on. I truly mean it."
Hayla's sweet voice was echoing in his head. He remembered he said that was absurd and an awful thing to think as they would never lose each other. "We are warriors, Hayla. Skilled and well trained. A simple battle wouldn't kill any of us"
"You can't be so certain, my love." She said, her head resting on his chest "We can't ever assume there isn't a terrible fate awaiting us, and you said yourself. We're warriors. Any battle can be fatal for us, no matter how skilled we are. Any slip, mistake... "
"Why in hells are you saying this, Hayla?"
"I know you. I know how you are. If anything ever happens to me and our bond is undone, you will just isolate yourself and keep from feeling any of this again. But you deserve to be happy. You put too much over yourself and try to forget that by saying it is trivial. But I know having someone by your side made you better in every way."
That simple conversation used to come to his mind regularly and it was one of those he liked. Even though it was about discussing losing one another, it still reminded him how he missed her smart, comforting and reassuring words. She always knew what to say.
But he knew now what fate had kept for him. Eternal torture and no peace for his troubled soul. He could even laugh with the irony of that thought. He was finally free of the bond that connected him to Hayla, a bond that tortured him for so long he couldn't even remember. A bond so strong that only the fact her soul was still locked in the amulet was enough to survive.
His heart always ached for her, though he never showed that to no one. His brothers had an idea, but never heard it from his mouth. Having her blood on his hand wasn't easy either. For hell, they were together for a long time and he never felt so good like when he was with her and being the reason why she was dead would never cease to hurt.
She had become the only one, besides his three closest brothers, that he truly came to love most. She had this audacious way to talk to him while being sweet whenever she wanted a little bit more of cuddling time. She was the only one that ever managed to find a way through his cold hearted self. Maybe it was supposed to be like that, maybe he let her get inside and melt his heart, even though he would always claim that it was such a trivial thing and was just pointless. He discovered it wasn't pointless.
He would never forget how he felt back then with her, but would like so much to forget how the pain made him fee powerless. That was a pain he could not heal, nor make it go away, but when he fed her soul to the Well, he felt free, as if the pain somehow ceased to exist for a while, giving his soul such a good moment of peace and relief as their bond was finally undone and gone and he promised he wouldn't allow him to feel that pain ever again.
So why did he allow himself to grow feelings for that little human he came to like? Even promising himself such a powerful promise, why would he feel something that once was the reason for his pain? Even though he could clearly hear his former lover telling him to move on and be happy, what guarantees he had that none of that would happen again?
Maya is the daughter of one of the most powerful beings on Creation. He could never know if and when that could be put between them and end up being a hell of a mess just because of blood heritage. She was human, sure, but no one ever knew the true power of half breeds once they were all killed before unleashing their potential. Death didn't want, by any means, be the one to kill the one he loved once more and that was why he couldn't allow himself to feel that again.
He wouldn't admit, but he just wouldn't endure that again.
Even though he knew that leaving in the moment she was being honest with him was the best thing he could've done, he saw how shattered she was after it and it wasn't at all what he intended. He couldn't lie, he liked her, so seeing her so saddened like that wasnt nice.
He tried to reach her, but what in hell would he say?
He hated feeling like that. Being a firstborn had the advantage of not having to deal with those adolescent drama and feelings his younglings used to deal with, or like he already saw humans and other young from other kinds. But it appears that it catches everyone at a certain point of the life.
And now he had a double problem to deal with in his head. He couldn't forget Hayla, and still was falling for someone else, what felt almost like betrayal. To make it worse, Maya had to be just exactly like her in... basically everything, and so he couldn't decide if he was genuinely feeling something for her or if he was just picturing Hayla on her to ease everything.
Either one, was still bad.
Watching Maya from afar, he felt she was blue and saddened, talking to herself most of the time saying that she was stupid enough to think her feelings would be answered. "Always expect the worse. That way you can't be disappointed" is what he heard she say.
Well, she wasn't entirely wrong. But he knew she needed an answer. A proper one even if it was one she wasn't expecting to hear, or wanting to hear. But how could he give her an answer if he couldn't find one himself? How to answer someone when you can't even put some control in your head to think clearly and straight? The only thing he knew was that it would drive him crazy before he could formulate anything.
He let days pass by trying to put order to his head and thought that maybe he had finally found an answer to himself. Going back to the timeline of events, he knew that he had saved Maya when found her nearly dead in the Forge Lands because of her resemblance to Hayla, that as he still had her soul in the amulet, their connection to each other was still alive.
Later on, he was back to his senses and knew it couldn't possibly be her, but having her around and thinking that maybe the resemblance between them could ease the mortal pain and guilt that he felt. But it had been two years since everything ended and his bond to her was over, putting an end to that never ending torture, thus any influence that it had over him was gone as well, and so, even being little by little, his cold heart was melting again. What made him think about things that could possibly differ her from his former lover. He knew it wasn't her, but, Hell, why she had to be just like her?
He kept thinking about it. But, even though he still saw his former lover each time he looked at Maya, he went inside his own mind, scavenging his own thoughts, putting everything into consideration until he realized that, despite that, what he felt for the human had nothing to do with her resemblance to Hayla. He came to realise that he still wanted to protect her, to have her close above everything and felt something inside that he felt only once in his life.
Perhaps it was because what she had been through. After all, she had been cast out from the human refuge for the danger she represented to that safe place because of something she couldn't avoid and never asked for and was left to survive on her own back on Earth where nothing but harm could fall upon her. Maybe, he thought, everything between them that came after that only contributed to give strength to those feelings.
He though about how ridiculous he was, cracking his head over something he never cared about and swore to never care again.
Maybe talking with someone would help, he thought for a while, but who had enough of his trust to share something so intimate like that? Apparently, Despair had the answer as he started to poke its master with his nose, as if saying that he knew where to take him. Death just mounted and let his steed take him where he wanted.
