Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS. This chapter features a panic attack.


For two days, Ziva was busy taking care of Tony and Tali. They camped out in front of the TV for most of it. Tony was also able to keep an eye on Tali when Ziva went out for anything. Fortunately, Tali and Tony had only caught a basic stomach bug and both were better within forty-eight hours. Tali even got to miss a day of school.

In a somewhat odd way, Ziva enjoyed taking care of Tony and Tali. She didn't want them to be sick, but they needed her to help them. For once in a very long time, Ziva was needed and she liked that. It didn't overwhelm her like she thought it might. It felt normal and natural for Ziva David to take care of her two favourite people.

Tony and Tali were in the living room, watching Zootopia. Ziva came in, carrying a tray of three bowls.

'Dinner' she announced. Tony paused the movie and took a bowl of soup, Ziva giving one to Tali. 'Careful' she said, as Tali balanced the tray on her lap. Tony took a mouthful of soup.

'Chicken soup. Mmmm.' He took another mouthful. 'This was my mom's recipe.'

Ziva smiled and nodded.

'Yes, I messaged your father and he sent it over. I thought you would like it.' Tony smiled.

'I love it Zi. Thank you.' Ziva sat down in her armchair with her own bowl of soup. 'Did you hear, Tali?' asked Tony. Tali looked up. 'Nana Joy used to make this for me when I was sick.'

'Really?' Tony nodded. 'Cool.' Tali took another mouthful of soup. 'It's delicious.'

'That it is' agreed Tony.


Ziva woke up. It had taken her a while to fall asleep last night. Another difficult dream. She could tell that Tony was not in bed with her. It felt empty. When they first started sharing a bed, it felt a little odd. There was less space. Now, however, it put Ziva on edge when Tony wasn't there.

Ziva got out of bed, putting her robe on. She went to the kitchen and put the kettle on. Coffee was needed. She wandered to the living room, expecting to find Tony and most likely Tali in there. It was Sunday after all. The living room was empty, the TV switched off. Ziva stood in the doorway, surprised.

She wandered over to Tali's bedroom, knocking gently on the door.

'Tali?' No answer. Ziva opened the door to find an empty room. She felt her breathing getting heavier. She backed out of the room and into the hallway.

'Tali? Tony?' called out Ziva. No answer. 'Tali? Tony?' Ziva opened doors, looking in rooms. The apartment was empty. 'Where are you?' asked Ziva out loud.

'You know what has happened.' Her demons were back. 'They left you.'

'No' said Ziva out loud.

'Yes' replied her demons. 'They left you because you hurt them. You are a selfish person. They don't like you.'

'Shut up' said Ziva. Why had the demons come back? They had been gone for almost three months. She could live with the difficult dream but the panic attacks… they were different.

'They are better off without you.'

'No!' Ziva needed to talk to Tony, hear Tali's voice. She could call them, but where was her phone? Ziva went to her bedside table. She pulled out the draw and dumped out its contents. It wasn't there. She checked her coat pockets. It wasn't there either, nor in her purse or any bag that was on the coat rack.

Then Ziva remembered. She was charging in on Tony's desk. She couldn't remember why, but she ran over to it. Ziva was crying now.

'No!' In her haste to find her phone, Ziva had knocked over some books on the desk, which knocked her phone off its stand and down the back of Tony's desk. Ziva pulled out the chair and crawled underneath it.

'Ouch.' She banged her head and shoulder against the desk. The sound of the kettle boiling in the kitchen seemed to be louder than normal. Ziva tried to reach for her phone, but her arm was not quite long enough. The noise of the kettle and the voices of her demons filled her mind, making her deaf to anything else. She had to get her phone. She needed to hear Tony's voice, know that he and Tali were OK, that they were coming home. She just needed to reach a bit further.

'Ziva!' Tony's voice cut through the noise. 'Ziva?'

Ziva crawled out from under the desk. Her cheeks were stained with tears and her hair had fallen out of its pony tail.

'Tony?' Ziva's breathing was shallow and she was shaking. Tony tentatively stepped closer to Ziva.

'Zi, it's Ok. It's OK.' Ziva burst into tears and fell into Tony's arms. He sat them down on the sofa. 'Everything's going to be fine. You're safe. Tali and I are safe.'

'Tali!' exclaimed Ziva. 'I don't want her to see me like this.'

Too late. Tony and Ziva heard the sound of the toilet flushing and the living room door open.

'Daddy I want – Ima?' She looked confused and worried. Tony gave Ziva a quick glance.

'Tali, why don't you go and start on the pastries in the kitchen? I'll be there soon.' Tali didn't move. 'Please Tali' asked Tony. After a couple more seconds, Tali eventually left the room.

'Pastries?' asked Ziva, also confused.

'We don't have a lot of food in the cupboard and I fancied some pastries. Tali was playing in here and asked if she could come. I left a note on the fridge door.' He brushed the hair out of Ziva's face. 'Perhaps I should have woken you up?'

Ziva shook her head.

'If I had… found the note… if I had not had… another difficult dream…'

'Ziva, this is not your fault' said Tony. 'You have had panic attacks less and less since you started the support group.'

Tony pulled Ziva closer and kissed the top of her head. He was right. She knew he was right. When Ziva first came home, she felt the beginnings of a panic attack almost daily, especially when they were out with Tali. One day, Ziva came home from dropping Tali off at school with Clara. She collapsed onto the floor by the door, crying. It had been the emotion intensity Ziva had felt, plus the crowds. Ziva didn't do well in crowds.

Tony and Ziva stayed on the sofa, Ziva's crying subsiding and her breathing back into rhythm. They heard the door creak open.

'Ima?'

'Yes Tali?' said Ziva. Tali ran over to Ziva and hugged her tightly.

'I'm sorry' said the six-year old.

'Why? What are you sorry for?' asked Ziva.

'If I hadn't gone with Daddy you wouldn't have been on your own.' Tali looked like she was on the verge of tears.

'No, no, no, Tali. This was not your fault' said Ziva, stroking Tali's face. 'If I had found Daddy's note…' Ziva sniffed and pulled Tali closer. 'You did nothing wrong Tali. OK?'

'OK' agreed Tali, though she didn't sound very convincing.

'I'm going to get the pasties from the kitchen and we'll eat them in here' said Tony as he got up. When he returned, less than a minute later, he found Tali and Ziva holding on to each other tightly, gently rocking. Ziva was humming an Israeli nursery rhyme in Tali's ear. He sat down and handed them each a large croissant.

'I love you two, so much' he said quietly. Tali and Ziva gave him small smiles.

'We love you too, Daddy' replied Tali.

'So very much' added Ziva.


It was gone five pm when Tony walked down the corridor to the apartment. He had meetings all day at the security firm he consulted at. They worked with NGOs in some of the most dangerous countries in the world; South Sudan, Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, and Yemen. The NGOs were providing support for the most vulnerable people in the shape of health care, legal help, food and shelter, and some education. Tony's experience in the middle east and North Africa, plus hunting terrorists as a federal agent, gave him the experience and expertise he needed for the job.

Since Ziva's panic attack two weeks ago, she had been putting in a lot of work in her therapy. Ziva had spoken to Annalise at length from the support group almost daily and had an extra-long session with Leroux. Ziva was going to make sure she never had a panic attack like that again.

As Tony got nearer to the apartment, he heard music. Loud music, or rather louder than normal. He opened the door and walked into the living room. Ziva and Tali were dancing, music blaring from Ziva's phone connected by a blue tooth speaker.

'What's going on?' asked Tony. Ziva and Tali turned to look at him, both looking very happy.

'We're dancing' said Tali, jumping up and down.

'I see that' said Tony, taking off his jacket and loosening his tie. He grabbed Ziva's hand, twirled her under his arm and pulled her towards him. 'What happened today?' he asked, laughing.

'I got an interview' said Ziva.

'From the library?' Ziva nodded and twirled Tali under her arm.

'I also submitted my application.'

'Really?' Ziva nodded again, grinning. God, Tony loved that smile.

Tony was so thrilled Ziva had submitted her application. It was for the American University of Paris. Tony knew for years that Ziva had dreamt of going to university. When she left NCIS, a part of Tony hoped she would sign up for some classes.

In her therapy sessions with Dr. Leroux, Ziva mentioned that it was still a dream that she had, but at almost forty, she felt like it was a pipe dream, that she should put to bed. Leroux asked why she thought this and Ziva was unable to answer clearly. She talked about it at the support group, only to find everyone encouraging her to research her options. Ziva's last boost of encouragement came from Tony, reminding her of one of their earliest conversations whilst on a stakeout. The next day, she started researching.

Two months later, at the beginning of October, Ziva had submitted the first part of her application. She had no idea if it was going to get accepted, but the fact that she had submitted it was a big step. To be offered an interview at the American Library of Paris was the cherry on top of the already delicious cake.

'This calls for a celebration' said Tony, collapsing on the sofa.

'Let's get crepes' suggested Tali. Ziva smiled and twirled Tali again, who then twirled Ziva.

'Crepes at the Eiffel Tower?' added Ziva. Tony raised an eyebrow.

'You sure?' Eiffel Tower meant a metro ride and crowds of tourists. Ziva smiled and nodded.

'Yes, I am sure.' She was feeling good and Tony would be with her.

'Ok, then' said Tony, getting up. 'Let's get crepes at the Eiffel Tower.'

'Yay!' cried Tali, still dancing.


Hope you enjoyed it.

I wanted to show that whilst Ziva has made enormous progress with her anxiety and PTSD, panic attacks can come out of nowhere. There are several days/ weeks between the first and second sections.

If you suffer from mental ill-health and panic attacks, you are not alone.

The countries mentioned in the third section have been listed as the world's most dangerous countries due to civil war, war with other countries, and terrorism.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the nice reviews of the last chapter. They made me smile so much.

See you soon :)