{Viola}
"Have you eaten yet?" Todd asks me.
I blink twice before switching my gaze between the journal and Todd's face. He's grinning, watching me casually. Not the reaction I expected.
"Umm, not really?" I say, confused. "Todd, do you not see-"
"Are yer sure?" He interrupts me. "Cuz Ben brought over a lot of food."
He doesn't wait for me to respond, just walks into the kitchen. It doesn't take long to realize that he's trying to avoid this conversation -
Trying to avoid the possibility that this is his mother's journal –
That she may have been the first women with Noise.
"Todd." I say softly, following behind him.
"Viola." He responds, stopping at the table to reach into the basket full of food. I stand next to him, gently take hold of his wrist.
"I can tell that you're trying to avoid this. And it's not just because I can hear your Noise saying, 'Please just avoid this.'"
Todd looks down, gathers his thoughts before bringing his gaze back to me.
"She ain't the one who wrote it." He admits, careful not to give a name for who "she" is. "It cud have been anyone with a journal like that."
I let go of his wrist and remind myself to go easy on him – his mother had always been a sensitive subject. "Yes… that's true." I say, my voice trailing.
But Todd knows I've got more to say. He considers me for a moment, watches as I drop my eyes, flip the journal around in my hands.
"But?" He prompts, already reading the thoughts in my Noise, just wanting to hear me say them.
"I mean, compared to the original, this looks just like her handwriting." I admit.
Todd shrugs, then begins to sort through the food. "Anyone cud have good handwriting like that, tho. You have good handwriting like that. Doesn't mean you wrote it."
"Well, yeah." I say, absently watching as Todd organized the food by category – bread in one spot, vegetables in another. "It would have been impossible for me to have written it."
"And it's impossible that my ma wrote it, too." Todd says. "Ben told me that she died during the mayor's attack, just a couple of months after I was born. So it definitely wasn't her."
"That's true." I say, cautiously. "But the older Spackle said that she'd escaped the attack, that she ran away for help. You don't think it was possible that she made it out-"
"But that wud mean she was alive, Viola. Alive and alone for years while I was thinkin she was dead."
Todd's Noise is rattling with feelings I can't quite make out – fear and sadness and doubt and confusion. He begins to furiously put the food back into the basket as a result, and I realize that he'd only done it as a distraction, a way to keep his mind from revisiting the one thing that hurt him the most. It is then that I decide this conversation isn't worth getting Todd getting worked up over, not worth disturbing his peace.
"I can put everything away, Todd." I say, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Why don't you go lie down? We have to be up early, anyways."
He pauses, looks up at me, and instantly reads the concern in my Noise. At this point it isn't even necessary for us to speak to one another – we can read every single thing the other is thinking and feeling, anyways.
"You don't have to do that, Viola." He says.
I blink, pretend I don't know what he's talking about. "Do what?"
He tilts his head, gives me a look. "You kno I can see everything in yer Noise, right? Yer worried that this is gonna affect me, or somethin."
Now it's my turn to give him a look – I may have wanted to protect Todd, but we've always been honest with each other.
"And you know I can see everything in yours too, right?" When he doesn't answer, I do so for him. "It's written all over your Noise, Todd. And I get it, this kind of thing is scary. If I found out something about my parents that wasn't the truth I'd grown up to know, I'd be upset too-"
"But it ain't different than wut I grew up knowin." Todd says. "My ma didn't make it out of Prentisstown, and she didn't have no Noise, and she didn't live in a spackle community while I grew up thinkin she was dead."
This time, it isn't his Noise that makes me stop, but the look on his face, the look in his eyes. His Noise is a mixture of hurt and brokenness and emptiness, and it's apparent that Todd doesn't want to relive his mother's death again. It would be cruel of me, to force him into re-learning his mother's past, only to mentally rebury her in a different way. No matter what I wanted to know about my Noise – I could not do that to Todd. If, or when, he was ready to face the possibility, I would do so with him.
But for now –
It isn't worth disrupting his peace –
It isn't worth dismantling his entire world –
I place the journal face down onto the table.
"Okay. You're right." I say, guilt swarming in my Noise. "I'm sorry for even suggesting that, Todd. I should have known it was insensitive-"
But Todd is quick to disagree.
"Hey, Viola." He says gently. "Yer don't have to apologize, not at all. Anyone who read her first journal wud probably assume that."
I search his face, wondering if he's just saying that, or if he actually means it.
"I actually mean it." He answers for me, and I laugh a little.
"You being okay is my first priority." I tell him.
"And yer being happy is mine." He tells me. "I'll be alright, Viola. It ain't hers, so it makes no difference to me."
I nod, even though the possibility of it being his mother's journal is still on my mind.
But if that is what Todd finds peace in –
I'll let him sit with it -
Even if it compromises my own –
But Todd doesn't allow that as an option for me, either.
"You shud still read it, Viola." Todd says. "Wut you wanna kno might still be in there."
It's tempting for me to just agree, to pick up the journal and flip through the pages and learn everything about this Noise that only one other woman knew about. But something was still keeping me from doing that, despite Todd's insistence. It didn't feel right to read through the journal in his presence, didn't feel right to read it with the belief that it was his mother's –
I shake my head no.
"Eh, it seems like a lot to go through in just one night." I lie – trying my best to hide it in my Noise. "Maybe I'll look at it tomorrow."
And Todd doesn't press the issue, and I don't bring it up again, and we don't talk about it for the rest of the night.
But the idea of reading the journal doesn't leave my Noise until dawn.
….
"Viola Eade." Mistress Lawson's voice cut through my thoughts. "You aren't any help to us today if you're just going to read, rather than doing your job."
I instantly shut the journal in my lap, look up to witness her disapproving glare.
"Oh, um, I'm sorry." I manage to say, standing up from my chair beside the window in the upstairs hallway, hiding the book behind my back. "I just came upstairs for a break. I didn't realize how much time had passed."
Mistress Lawson squints her eyes, not believing me. "What is really going on, Viola? Usually you're more attentive."
"Nothing." I say, trying to sound convincing. "I'm heading back to work right now. It won't happen again."
I step around Mistress Lawson, and as expected, she blocks my path, a serious look on her face. "Viola – you know that, as a healer, you have to be fully available to your patients, provide the clarity and comfortability that they lack in their time of need. If you can't do that today, feel free to go home, to rest, until you're better."
But I only shake my head. "I'm fine, Mistress Lawson. I've helped patients under much more stress."
"That was when we had no other choice." She's quick to remind me. "But you have a choice now, Viola, to take care of yourself."
It's a tempting offer to accept – if Mistress Lawson let me go home early, I'd be able to read more of the journal before Todd came home. So far the entries didn't explain much, other than what I already knew about Prentisstown, per Todd and Ben. I thought about skipping to the middle but didn't want to miss anything important. So, for the past two hours, I'd just been reading her backstory, her hopes for life on New World, what she wished to fulfill. There was no mention of a child she'd left behind, which made me less convinced that it was Todd's mother's journal. But she could have easily omitted that information for his safety, to keep him protected, in case she lost the journal. He would have been in even more danger, if the mayor found out he was the child of the only woman with Noise.
The thought was a stretch, but not impossible.
I figure that taking one day off, just to read, wouldn't be bad. But just before I can say this to Mistress Lawson, Steff Taylor barges out of one of the rooms, her eyes rimmed with red, hair all over her head, and she was out of breath.
"Viola! There you are." She says, letting out a sigh of relief. "They're killing me in there!"
She points back to the room, where I could hear a few children crying.
"What's wrong?" I ask her.
"Nothing I do is enough for them. Every time I try to give them their medicine, or take their temperature, or ANYTHING, they shout at me, bite me, pull on my hair! All I'm trying to do is help the little brats-"
"Steff." I say, grabbing her shoulders. "First, you need to relax."
She blinks twice before taking a dramatic deep breath.
"Second – they're so upset with you because of the way you're treating them." I tell her. "Not everybody here can handle your…"
Steff furrows her eyebrows while I search for words that wouldn't be so offensive to her personality.
"My what, Viola?"
"You just have a very colorful personality." I decide to say. "You have to be more nurturing with them. They're just children."
Steff groans before pouting her lip. "Can you just help me, Viola?"
My eyes widen before I look from Mistress Lawson to Steff. "I was just about to head out, actually-"
"Please?" Steff says, now begging. "I literally cannot be in there alone with those kids for another second!"
"Steff." I say calmly, opposite of how I really feel. "I can't hold your hand forever. You know what to do-"
"No I don't!" She nearly screams, shaking my shoulders.
"Viola is leaving for the day, Ms. Taylor." Mistress Lawson says. "I will help you with the children for the rest of the day."
Steff's eyes widen. "No! You're just going to yell at me the whole time!"
"It's fine." I finally give in, removing Steff's hands from my shoulders. "I'll stay and help."
"Thank GOD." Steff says.
"Are you sure?" Mistress Lawson.
I nod – no matter what, the community comes first, and there were things that needed my attention more than the book did, right now.
"I'm positive." I say, walking into the from before anyone could change their mind. "Come on, Steff. This is the last time you're getting extra help from me."
She smiles, nods her head eagerly. "That's fine with me!"
We spend the next three hours tending to the sick children; taking their temperatures, changing their blankets, bringing them juice, and the like. Steff wasn't exaggerating when she said they were a bit restless, but it wasn't anything the two of us couldn't manage together. It was actually a nice distraction from the whole Noise mystery, and while Steff and I stood in the kitchen, washing up after the long work-day, I felt grateful for the work I got to do for someone else. I hadn't even thought about my Noise, or the journal, since this afternoon –
Until I turn around from the sink, my hands dripping with water, to see Steff reading it.
"I don't remember your handwriting being this good, Viola." Steff says. She sat at the table, her feet propped up onto it, skimming over the pages of the journal. "Or your ability to write. These stories are really interesting –"
"Can you put that down, please?" I say, wiping my hands with a towel before swiping the journal from her hands. "These aren't just fictional stories, and the journal isn't mine."
Steff's eyebrows raise. "So who's is it?"
I bite my lower lip, tempted to tell her, despite the fact that it would be a bad idea. Not only does Steff have a tendency to run her mouth (she'd told Lee ALL of her embarrassing stories from the previous night) but I also didn't feel right, telling someone that the journal may have belonged to Todd's mom, without him knowing. Especially, when he already didn't believe it.
"Supposedly… it belonged to another woman with Noise." I say. "I've been reading it to get more information about mine."
"What?" Steff says, as if I just told her juicy gossip. "That's insane! Have you figured out anything new?"
I sit down beside her, shake my head. "I've only read the beginning of it. She talks a lot about her life on Earth, and what she first thought of New World. I haven't gotten to the Noise part yet."
"Well, what's taking you so long?" Steff says. "You need to read about it so you can tell me about it."
"That's what I was trying to do earlier." I say to her, a matter of fact. "Mistress Lawson was going to let me out of work early and I was going to use that time to read. That is, until someone got in the way of that." I tease.
"Well, you should have said that Viola. I would have sucked it up and let you go home!"
"And what would I have said in front of Mistress Lawson?" I ask. "I don't need her or anyone else worried about me and my Noise."
Steff nods understandingly before she gives me a questioning stare. "Wait… does Todd know you're reading it?"
I sigh. "He knows that I have it…. and that I'm thinking about reading it."
Steff considers me a moment, her eyes increasingly lighting up. "So basically… I know one of your secrets before Todd does?" Steff says, excitement in her tone. "I can't believe you trusted me with something before Todd!"
"Keep your voice down, Steff." I shush her. "You can't tell anyone I told you that."
"Why not?"
"Because! It's no one else's business."
It was the easiest excuse I could come up with. Between the older spackle, who already didn't trust me with my Noise, and Todd, who wanted nothing to do with the journal, I didn't want anyone else knowing about the whole ordeal. There was no point in making a big fuss about it before I even had the answers myself – and once I had them, I would tell Todd.
"Fine. I won't say anything." Steff says before getting up.
"Thank you." I tell her, letting out a sigh.
"You can't start keeping secrets from Todd, though." She says, getting up from the table.
I give her a questioning look. "I'm not keeping a secret from him. He knows I have the journal."
"But he doesn't know you're reading it."
I squint my eyes at Steff before joining at her side. "Like I said, it's not your business."
She puts her hands up in defense as we walk through the main hallway and to the front door. "Okay, okay. I won't say anything else."
For some reason I highly doubted this, but convinced myself that, in this one situation, Steff would be reliable.
We make our way outside, greeted by the cold air that by now, we are used to. "See you tomorrow, Steff." I say, prepared to part ways and open up the journal, but she reaches out and grabs my arm instead.
"What do you mean see you tomorrow? Aren't we hanging out tonight?"
Well, this was awkward, and I searched my mind for the easiest way to let her down easy. "Umm, no? We didn't make plans to hangout, Steff. We can tomorrow but-"
"Yes we did! At the beach, remember? Or did Todd not tell you?"
I furrow my eyebrows before thinking to myself, trying to remember if Todd had mentioned anything to me about the beach. He may have said something last night, or this morning, but I'd been too preoccupied with the journal and probably missed it.
"He may have said something." I finally say with a sigh, now realizing that if Todd did mention it, and I'd said yes, he was now expecting me to be there, thus meaning I had to go.
"Mhmm." Steff said, yanking me in the direction of the beach. "Like I said…. You two shouldn't have secrets."
….
It was already dark by the time we made it to the beach. Todd and Lee had a fire going, burning bright against the night sky, and they were in the middle of a very intense game of soccer. Todd looked like he had the upper hand against Lee, but once he detected my Noise, he stopped mid-game.
"Viola!" He shouts, excitement in his Noise, a smile on his face. "I think I finally found a game I can beat yer at!"
"I'm letting you win, Todd." Lee says, picking up the ball. "I felt bad about you losing the card game the other night and your ego needed a boost."
Todd smacks his lips before turning his gaze to Lee. "No way, Lee. You're being a sore loser."
Steff runs over to them excitedly while I throw my stuff onto the ground, careful to hide the journal underneath the blanket that is already laid out. While I'm getting all of my things situated, I speak to Todd through my Noise. You and Lee are getting closer, I see.
Hmm, and who was it that recommend I do that? Todd says back, and we share a smile through our Noise.
I think it's great. I say to him, standing up to watch the three of them kick the ball, but don't move. It's an amazing thing to watch, Todd and Lee and Steff just enjoying each other's company, and even though I'd much rather be reading the journal – I couldn't stand in the way of their peace. So I hide all of the emotions swirling in my Noise and join the group, a smile on my lips for good measure.
"You and me versus Steff and Lee?" I propose once I'm standing in front of Todd, but he only grins, shakes his head no.
"Boys against girls." Todd says. "I love you, Viola, but yer not gonna beat me at all yer Earth games."
I tilt my head at him, mouth gaping open in surprise. "You've gotten so ruddy competitive, Todd Hewitt."
He shrugs, but Steff speaks up next. "It's only a real competition if a prize is involved."
"Like what?" Lee asks. Now everyone is suddenly interested.
Steff thinks a moment, just before her eyes land on the dark water in front of us. "Loser has to jump in the water."
"Jump in?!" Todd says, shocked. "It's freezin cold out here!"
I want to agree – jumping into the ocean in the middle of the snowscape didn't seem like a good idea. But the competitive side of me suddenly takes over, and I can't help but to accept the challenge.
"That shouldn't matter if you win, right?" I tease Todd, and he's got to fight the smile creeping onto his lips.
"I only said that for your sake." He says. "You know, for when you lose."
"We'll see about that." I say, just before we separate into teams and get into the game.
It isn't easy playing against Todd and Lee, but with my Noise and Steff's athleticism, we manage to beat the boys. They're out of breath and soaked with sweat, despite the cold, and Steff can't help but to make fun of them.
"Ha! We beat you!" She exclaims, jumping up and down and pointing at their sunken faces.
"That's only because we were so tired from playing before you two got here." Lee says, hunched over, hands on his knees.
"Nope, I don't want to hear your excuses. Time to go wash off your shame in the ocean."
I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand before looking at Todd. "We won fair and square."
He nods before shuffling next to Lee, patting him on the back. "We'll get em next time." He assures them. "But a deal is a deal."
Steff and I walk behind Lee and Todd as they approach the cold water. I'm cringing just at the thought of them going in, but can't deny how much I want to see them, and even Todd's Noise is excited, excited that he can choose his kind of adventure, instead of being forced into a battle or fight or a war. They both remove their shirts, throwing them to us, before turning back to the waves.
"Go on three?" Lee asks timidly, and Todd nods.
"One, two, three!"
They both run into the water, screaming and laughing once they get in. Steff screams too, and I only shake my head at how silly the whole thing is.
"I ain't doin that again." Todd says once he's back. I laugh while handing him a towel.
"If you were on my team, you wouldn't have had to do that." I say, and he laughs before ruffling my hair.
"I should've known that, huh?"
"Hey, do you guys want marshmellows?!" Steff shouts. She and Lee were already over by the fire, preparing them even though we hadn't agreed.
Todd and I looked at each other. I don't want em. He tells me, hiding his Noise from Steff. I really don't like those things, and she always burns em.
I laugh at him before responding, Well, it's what you get, wanting to hang out with them every day. I tease.
Not every day. He's quick to defend. But it is nice, getting to make up for lost time. Yer kno?
And I do know, which is why I don't argue, don't complain, and march right back to the fire to join my friends.
But even after all the games and the laughs and the marsh mellows the journal is still on my mind. We've stayed at the beach much later than intended, and it is apparent that, with Todd sleeping next to me, wrapped up in the blanket, and Lee and Steff on a walk down the beach, we weren't going home anytime soon. I try to get comfortable next to Todd, his Noise happy and warm, but even that doesn't help. Maybe I'll just read a page or two. I tell myself.
And it's exactly what I do.
I slip the journal from underneath the blanket and quietly get up to sit on a rock just a few feet away from Todd. I turn to the page I'd left off on, skimming through the simple paragraphs talking about New World and Prentisstown and the mayor and her escape, until I finally read something that is interesting:
Escaping the mayor's attack was never my intention. I always thought that I would die that day, thought that the mayor was going to kill all of the women, thought that I wouldn't make it. It's why I left my son with the only two people I could trust, because I knew they would take care of him when I was gone. But something was calling me towards the forest, something that I couldn't quite understand at the time - until now. Now, I knew I had a way to save the women. Now, I knew I had a way to save my Todd.
And despite my guilt for leaving them –
Despite the hurt I knew it would cause my child –
I ran.
My Noise freezes after reading what I suspected all along – this was his mother's journal, she'd even used his name. It felt like such a betrayal, learning this information with Todd only a few feet away from me, and for a moment I consider closing it - closing it and never opening it again and pretending that this never happened. I was tired anyways, physically and mentally, after such a long day of working and reading and hanging out -
But my curiosity gets the better of me, and with heavy eyelids, I force myself to continue reading:
When I made it to the Spackle community, I was sure they were going to kill me. Their only experience with humans was negative, and rightfully so, after the mayor convinced us all that they were dangerous and killed them off. I can't deny that I was afraid of them, too, but I was desperate. I needed the help. I begged them, pleaded with them, to take me in. It wasn't until I told them I had a son I'd left behind that they agreed.
We worked together for a long time, so long that I'd forgotten how much time had gone by. They taught me about their land, their Noise, and all of the beautiful things about New World that we were taught to despise. I thought about my son every day, wondering how he'd turned out to be, but I always had to force myself to stop. It hurt too much, imagining his life without me, imagining how hard it must have been for him to grow up in such a horrible place. I felt so guilty, so so guilty for enjoying my life while he was, most likely, struggling. That is –
Until Todd's father showed up at the spackle community.
This time, I actually shut the journal, not just feeling, but knowing, this part was a complete invasion to Todd's privacy, a complete betrayal to his trust. Surely she wasn't talking about Ben and Cillian – if they'd found Todd's mother, they definitely would have told him.
This man she was referring to –
This man who shared Noise with her –
Had to have been Todd's biological father.
I wrestle with my Noise, as part of it wants me to keep reading, while the other part wants me to shut the journal closed, through it into the ocean, and mind my own ruddy business. Todd would be so furious to learn this, to learn that his life wasn't what he always thought, and as someone that he trusts I shouldn't ruin that.
But Todd was the one who encourage me to read the journal, encouraged me to learn about my Noise. It isn't as if I did anything wrong. Suggesting it was his mother's was one thing.
But knowing it was hers was another.
I get up before my brain commands me to, and walk towards Todd, who's already stirring awake. He can sense tension in my Noise and lifts up, the blankets wrapped up around his face. All I can see is his ruffled hair and tired eyes but it's all I have to see to know he's concerned.
"Viola?" He asks, his voice muffled underneath the blanket.
"Hey." I say to him gently, sitting down beside him. "Don't wake up so fast."
But he doesn't listen, just shrugs out of the blanket, sits up next to me.
"Wut's wrong?" He says, rubbing his eyes.
"Let yourself wake up first." I say to him.
"I am awake." He says, clears his throat, then grins. "Sorry I hogged all the covers."
I want to laugh, and even try to, but I can't.
"Todd." I say, soft but serious. "I – I need you to read this."
I hand him the journal, but he doesn't take it.
I can see in his Noise that he's afraid to.
"Why?" he asks, fear in his voice.
No use in sugar coating it. I take a deep breath.
"I went ahead and read it. I couldn't help not knowing. But I came across a few paragraphs…"
And I don't have to finish -
Because Todd already see's it in my Noise -
Everything I'd read about his mother –
Everyting I'd read about his father –
Todd goes still.
"I didn't keep reading after that part." I say, feeling the need to comfort him in some way. "I didn't feel right to without telling you, first. But Todd, it's, this has to be –"
"It was hers." Todd says, his eyes wet with tears, but his Noise isn't as sad as I expected it to be. "I mean, it's gotta be. She even mentioned my name –"
His words trail off but his thoughts are bouncing around everywhere in his Noise. Todd stares at the fire for a moment, doesn't even blink for a while, and I lean forward, trying to get his attention.
"Todd, I am so so sorry. I know you didn't want to learn about this, but I couldn't keep it from you. We can get rid of it right now if you want to –"
"For wut?" He asks me, looking to me this time. "This is the only way yer gonna learn about yer Noise."
"But... I mean... it's going to change everything for you. Everything you thought you knew about your mother, about Prentisstown-"
"That's okay, Viola. I'll… I'll get over it. You can't go yer whole life wondering just cuz of me." He says, sounding sure, but not as much as I'd like.
"Are you sure Todd?" I say. And he nods.
"Positive." He tells me, then smiles some before looking to the ocean. "To think… my own ma, and the life of my life, bein the only girls to have Noise. How lucky did I get?"
Todd nudges my shoulder before leaning over, kissing my cheek, and my Noise swarms with gratitude and happiness and love.
"I'm the lucky one." I tell him, really meaning it. "Thank you, Todd. I really didn't want to do this without you."
"You ain't ever gotta do it on yer own, Viola." He says. "I'm always here. As a matter of fact, I think we shud take everyone up on their offer about a day off. We've got a lot of readin to do."
A/N: Another chapter for you guys! Again, let me know if anything is confusing or repetitive – this one turned out longer than I expected. I gotta say, with everything going on in the world, it's pretty fun getting to read and write a little more. Now that I kinda know what direction this is going in I'll be posting a couple more chapters before the end of the week!
Stay safe and happy out there, friends!
