"I'm not ready." Lily whispered in the black of the dungeon bedroom, the ever-pressing darkness that the sun beyond could never touch.
She felt Severus against her, smoothing his hand across her hair and down the bare skin of her neck. She could make out the lines of his faces, the edges of his jaw and nose in the dim flicker of the candle light. She could see the permanent frown, placed there by different circumstances than it had been before.
"Neither am I," he responded in deep tones, words for only her to hear even though no one else could.
She knew that the specifics didn't need to be given, that the things they were afraid of went far beyond this castle and their recent conversations, but beneath the blankets, she could believe in the illusion of safety.
Tomorrow would be much different.
Tomorrow would bring children that she was unprepared for — the true meaning of her words though both she and Severus knew it applied to something else as well.
Tonight, it was just them.
Remus had taken the children, had pulled Sirius away from the castle and into the coziness of his own hidden home. His cottage locked away in the middle of the forest. Untraceable. Precautions Lily should have taken time and time again.
Harry and Selvan would spend the night in the company of their uncles. There, they'd spend their last night outside Hogwarts for who knew how long.
They would ride the train in the morning — a topic of heated discussion in the days prior, the news Sirius had brought them only providing more troubles, more curiosities. But beyond the lines of war, they were still children. Selvan deserved the opportunity to come here as his classmates would, to not be associated with Lily for fear of retaliation from the other kids. He deserved to make friends on the express. He deserved, for once in his life, to be normal. Harry had long ago lost that privilege.
In the days that had passed, Severus had guided her through supply orders and organization. Anything to provide a distraction from what was coming for them
She knew that there were other Professors here, that somewhere above lingered Flitwick and McGonagall, Sprout somewhere further on the grounds. They had come and gone in the days past and Lily had carefully avoided them. She had snuck about, unable to deal with the expressions that crossed their faces — the ones that were always there.
There was always some disappointing factor of her life that dredged up those expressions of pity. The day would come when she would deal with it, but that was not today. Today was their last shred of freedom, of Severus' — if it could be called that.
She shifted beneath the blankets, sitting on the edge of their shared bed. She felt the brush of Severus' fingers against her skin, felt the love that emanated in the sliver of space between them, but it was different — broken. The pain of what was to come had yet to dissolve and there were too many unanswered questions.
Lily knew that was the reason for the lack of intimacy. There were no stolen kisses even though they were alone, no hands brushing against each other in hurried satisfaction. Despair had covered those moments, painted them in a color neither of them recognized. How could love, desire exist in the same place as death?
"There's something I'd like to show you." It was a murmur from him still coated in sleep, Severus having not fully awakened.
He slipped from the other side of the mattress, walking around and pulling her so that she stood beside him. She leaned backward so that the flesh of her back rubbed against that of his chest and he let her be.
"Another distraction." This whisper was given beside her ear. "But, I'm afraid it requires clothing."
Her brows lifted in surprise, he hadn't left the dungeon in days. There had been no lingering down the dark halls or through the floo. There had been nowhere to go, no one to visit.
She could see that that bothered him, that Lucius had remained silent, but she didn't push for answers. The pain in his eyes was meant for him alone, and he would share it when he was ready, even if the curiosity killed her.
They separated, dressing. She didn't question how they would evade the others — they were likely locked in their own quarters, preparing their own lessons, wandering only to the Great Hall for a meal and never to the depths of Slytherin. Lily wondered if any of them even knew that she was here.
"I don't understand it," Sirius grumbled for the millionth time. Harry saw Remus give a roll of his eyes as he turned away, tired — it appeared — of the argument he had heard again, and again, and again. Even Harry had heard the out loud exasperations of his Godfather, had grown tired of his ramblings, but he knew it wasn't for the same reason as everyone else.
"How could he be simply unconcerned?" Sirius finished, and this part was new. Had it been said, it hadn't been in front of Harry.
"Have you considered Snape knows more?" Remus offered, giving a glance over his shoulder at both Harry and his brother. Harry watched them from the corner of his eye, moving them over the words on the parchment of his books, though if anyone asked, he couldn't have told them what he read.
Harry knew they were keeping secrets, but wasn't that all they had ever done? His Mum, Remus, even Selvan, he was sure. And Severus...the man he couldn't acknowledge as his father, knowing his real one was gone, held the most secrets of all.
"It doesn't matter!" Sirius banged his fist against the table, the uneven legs rocking beneath the movement, and his tea atop it sloshing. He winced, looking apologetic, and Remus looked back again, a slight frown appearing on his features. Harry moved, jotting down a note, pretending that he had heard nothing at all.
Remus sat at the table beside Sirius, close enough that they could whisper, could keep even more from Harry.
"This...this blood connection you found. Surely it can't be that simple. It can't be just a spell." Remus' voice was quiet, but not enough. Harry had learned how to listen. He knew how to strain his ears, and had thought more than once of suggesting a product that would help him to Fred and George. If anyone could provide it, it was them.
"And what if it is?" Sirius' voice was quiet, too, hopeful, though they all knew he couldn't be. "What if that's what we're missing? That all this time we have looked for grander forms of magic, glossing over the reality all this time?"
"Voldemort—"
Sirius shivered at the name and Remus paused. Harry had heard the name spill more and more commonly from Remus' lips, had watched him grow used to the reality, to calling You-Know-Who as he was really known, but Sirius had been secluded.
"—Voldemort isn't that stupid." Remus finished.
"I know. I know," Sirius pulled his hand from the steaming mug, his fingers running against the lines of his face instead. "But, I think...I think it's still an option."
An option. Harry knew it was about him. These whisperings always were. He'd heard them at school, said between the students he didn't really know, said between Ron and Hermione. Between his Mum and Severus. There were always whispers, always careful glances. Merlin forbid Harry was allowed to know what went on in his own life.
A blood connection. He thought of his first year, of the stone. He remembered the way his screams had been trapped inside his lungs. He remembered the slice along his arm, his blood dripping along his skin. Quirrell — someone he had trusted enough — taking it.
He remembered Voldemort.
And his Mum had told them.
They slunk down hallways, edging around corners. Lily felt as though she was 15 again, looking for a hidden place to snog. Severus prowled like a cat in front of her, an expert of these corridors. But, the only footsteps there were their own.
He paused along a stretch of wall, a space of stone that was set between two torches. He stepped forward, his palm flattening against the rock.
"Salazar." The word was emotionless, said almost as if it were commonplace, but the wall before them rearranged, answering to his voice, and they slipped through.
Lily followed him in, across the emerald rug that led from the created entrance as it shut behind them once more. Only a few steps in front of her did the stairs begin, bringing them further beneath the lake.
Only three colors existed here. Silver, green, and black. No color but the house colors apparently allowed. In this way, it was like Gryffindor — and she supposed — the other houses.
But, it was beautiful.
The blue light shimmered against the stones, reflecting the sunlight from above. She felt a pull towards them, wondering what she could see of the world beyond. If mermaids often swam past or if the grindylows of the lake peered in on them.
The furniture of the room was plush, the same shade of green as the rug she had first stepped on. The fireplace was lit although they were the only ones here. It was inviting, and she wondered why Severus hadn't brought her here sooner.
"This is yours now." He said it with a sigh and she wondered if he missed it, if some part of him felt for the memories that lived here. "The password reverts to 'Salazar' every summer. It's up to you to select a new one or delegate that to the prefects."
"There's rules, I'm sure?"
"Not entirely. Words that are too obvious or too associated with the house may leave the common room unprotected, but otherwise it is of your choosing."
Lily's smile twisted to the side, her lips puckering before she spoke. "So, I could choose 'mugwump' if I wanted to?"
Severus gave a huff of laughter. "If you so desire. But that's not why we're here."
He gripped her fingers, pulling her down one of the hallways that twisted from the side of the room. Seven doors dotted the hall. Severus pulled her to the third. Inside, five beds were lined up against the wall.
The room was filled with the same green, the same ornate rug as the common room. Beds with twisting banisters from which curtains hung. The same golden blue light drifted through the small window resting at the top of the dungeon wall. With the torches extinguished, it was the only light that filled the room.
"And this," he began with a final tug of her arm. "Was mine." He sat on the second bed and she fell to the mattress beside him. His hand drifted over the covers, pressing into the blankets.
The expression on his face was one she hadn't seen before. Was one she almost didn't recognize. "I hated it here," Severus laughed. "Godric, it was awful." He turned to her, his face more serious than it had been a second before. His voice quieter as he spoke. "But, it was so much better than what came after."
Lily relaxed against him, her head falling to his shoulder. She knew he didn't mean her, knew that she was one of the few good things in his "after". Knew, because she felt the same.
She'd fallen into her own nostalgia far too many times. It was crisp and pure, frayed around the edges by a bitter sweetness of knowing she could never go back. But the desire was still there. The desire to reach back, to change, to undo, to relive a life of easier choices. There were days she fell below her own waves of it, wishing things were different, wishing they were easier. The only thing that brought her out of those times was the knowledge that the things she had now, the people she loved, would be gone.
There was a tightening in the muscles of his shoulders and she looked at him. The wisp of remembrance had faded from his face, replaced by that familiar pain that ran along his arm.
"There's something you should know." His voice was deep, sorrowful. She wondered if part of it held regret. The way he avoided her eyes seemed to tell her so.
"The pain...I don't know what happens that causes it so frequently, but I know why."
Lily straightened, her brows meeting each other as she waited for him to go on. She had assumed the pain was simply related to the surgery she had accidentally cast.
"When I was with Lucius," Severus continued, speaking slowly. "The pain came. It came the same time his mark burned. I think it's connected...I think part of my dark mark remains."
Lily's throat tightened. That she hadn't expected and it seemed to be the worst possibility of all. "And Voldemort...he...he doesn't know?"
Severus shook his head. "I don't know. Lucius seemed surprised. If the Dark Lord knows, he's keeping it a secret. If he's tried to kill me, well, it's been ineffective."
"And if he doesn't know? Doesn't that give you information you thought you had lost? You know when they're meeting. You know where. All that's missing is the reason."
"The biggest part of all." He met her eyes finally, the shimmer in them now dull. He was so very tired and so was she. An exhaustion that sleep could never fix.
She couldn't be disappointed by his words, not where she hadn't had hope to begin with. With every other threat surrounding them, this small win felt only like another loss.
