Author's Note: ...
Fucked. That was the only word that ran through her head. She had managed to stay forty paces ahead of her pursuers for so long, but her plot armor had finally worn off. She had made a wrong turn into an alley and was now going to reenact Wrong Turn the movie. She whirled around when she heard her hunters enter the alley, and she pressed herself against the wooden fence behind her as they began to stalk toward her. The chase was at an end, and now came the time for the three horny girls to finally savor every inch of her body.
"Nice choice on the secluded alley way. Plenty of privacy here for some discrete lesbian action," Marie taunted as she and her sisters drew ever closer.
"You better hope you're packing some ice cubes, you skanky bitch!" Lee jeered, prompting Nazz to swallow nervously.
"W-Why would I n-need ice cubes for this?" Nazz stuttered as she slowly slid down the fence, her wide eyes fixated on the Kankers.
"*Snort* take it from me sista rofl when we get down we get rough," May cooed before running her tongue across her buckteeth. Nazz squeezed her eyes shut as the three sadistic girls snickered in evil ecstasy and closed in around her.
"I don't know but I've been told!" Kevin brayed as he and his comrades marched down the sidewalk back toward the Cul-De-Sac.
"Double D failed honor roll!" Dutch, Sarah, and Jonny cried in response as they moved their legs in sync.
"Eddy is a midget bitch!" Kevin cried.
"Ed puts his undies in the fridge!" his allies replied.
"Sound off!" Kevin yelled as he stuck a fist into the air.
"One, two!"
"Sound off!"
"Three dorks!"
"Stranger danger!" a voice screamed from somewhere ahead of the Anti-Dork Cadets, prompting them to cease their glorious marching tune.
"Did you guys hear that?" Sarah asked as she peered ahead of them.
"Damsel in distress!" the voice bleated out.
"Yeah, someone's in danger and we're not there to laugh at them!" Kevin said in a worried tone.
"Rape whistle! Rape whistle!" the voice cried.
"What are we waiting for? Brussels to sprout?! Let's go check it out!" Jonny suggested as he bounced excitedly.
"Then stop dorkin' around and follow my lead! Anti-Dork Regiment forward march!" Kevin cried as he led the charge, his Anti-Dork Compatriots quickly falling in line behind him. They raced past fence posts, street lights, and the decapitated heads of Plank's parents as their feet smacked the sidewalk. Jonny suddenly sped past Kevin and was the first to round into the alley where the cries for help echoed from.
"Jimeny Christmas!" Jonny yelped from within the alley. Kevin, Dutch, and Sarah quickly joined him and their eyes bugged out.
"Whoa..." Kevin whispered as he and his Anti-Dork Platoon stared in shock at the scene at the end of the alley. Lee was standing behind Nazz pinning her arms behind her back. Marie was frozen with her hands on the belt of Nazz's half-unbuckled jeans. May stood next to them with her shirt part-way pulled over her head. All four of the girls' faces were flush red as they stared directly back at the interlopers in shock. No one had the first clue about what to say or do. No one save for Kevin, that is. "Hey..." he said after clearing his throat. "So look, you dudes can run for it. I know exactly how to handle a situation like this on my own."
"Are you nuttier than a spayed squirrel? You want to take on those three girls by yourself?" Jonny whispered fearfully to him.
"Absolutely. I'm not afraid to throw my body at them to protect you guys."
"You really don't want our help with this?" Dutch chimed in nervously.
"I'm more than good on my own. After all, there's more than enough Kevin to take on all four of these girls at once."
"All four?" Sarah asked, perplexed. Once realization struck her like a stray bullet, Sarah's fear evaporated from the pure heat of her inner wrath. "You think you can pull one over on the princess of tattletales?! I'm going to tell your mom what a big dumb pervert her son is!" she shouted as Kevin shot his hands into his pockets.
"I have no idea what you're dorking about! I'm just trying to prove to Nazz how brave I am or whatever!"
"Is that so?! Well then take your hands out of your pockets and stand up straight!"
"How about I take my hands out of my pockets and put them on your neck until your head deflates, girldork?!"
"What in the world is all this yelling about?" Dutch whispered as he leaned toward Jonny. "Aren't we supposed to be rescuing Nazz right now?"
"Beats me but you can't count on me to stop it! About time the heat was off of me!" Jonny replied as Sarah and Kevin dueled with the daggers they were staring at each other.
"Is someone going to save me or do I have to sit here mid-assault all day, dudes!" Nazz screamed, breaking up the fight before it could even really start. The Anti-Dorkinauts froze up once again, and this time it was on the Kankers to take action. May slowly pulled her shirt back down to cover her hideously out-of-shape stomach. Marie latched back up Nazz's belt and tip-toed a few feet away from her. Lee let go of Nazz's arms and stepped out from behind her. The Kankers then slowly walked toward the Anti-Dork Battalion and stopped in front of them. The Kankers exchanged glances with them, and they all exchanged glances with the Kankers. Lee adjusted a few out of place curls in her hair before crossing her arms.
"Just so we're all clear - we were going to beat her up, but we all agreed to do some warm up stretches first," Lee explained as the Anti-Dork Union nodded in unison.
"No doubt, wouldn't want to catch a cramp," Kevin replied smugly.
"Exactly. And don't forget: you guys, our place, tomorrow afternoon," Lee stated flatly. With that, the flustered girls shoved their way awkwardly through the bunch of lumps and disappeared down the street, taking their shame with them. Kevin was the first of the lump bunch to run down the alley and check on Nazz.
"Nazz... they didn't do anything to you, did they?" Kevin asked in a fatherly tone, concern dripping from every word. "If they did do something, give me all the details!"
"N-No, thanks to you guys they didn't get to put a single hand on me," Nazz replied in a shaky tone.
"Bummer."
"You don't sound so good, Nazz!" Sarah started before pulling Polly Poo Poo out of her pocket and sticking it in Nazz's face. "Snuggle with this and the trauma will melt away!" Kevin suddenly swatted Polly Poo Poo into the corner of the alley where only misbehaving dolls go.
"Lay off her, Sarah! She needs her space!" Kevin demanded angrily.
"No, that's alright... I'm fine now, dude. It's finally all over," Nazz finally let out as she began to calm down.
"That was a close call, huh Nazz?" Jonny asked as he stepped out from behind Kevin. Nazz suddenly began screaming bloody murder again and flailing her arms around in front of her.
"For fucks sake, put this bag over your head, Jonny!" Kevin demanded before shoving a paper Food Lion bag into Jonny's arms.
"What?! But it doesn't even have any eyeholes!"
"Just do it before she shatters every window on the block, dorkboy!" Kevin raged as Jonny bit his lower lip. He reluctantly slipped the bag over his head while muttering to himself. The instant Jonny's face was safely hidden from prying eyes, Nazz's screams stopped.
"Like I said, dudes: it's finally all over," Nazz breathed out as Kevin gingerly helped her stand up.
"Thank goodness for that too, I was afraid I might actually have to put myself into harm's way," Dutch said in relief as Kevin patted loose dirt off the seat of Nazz's jeans like a good friend.
"I really do appreciate you guys scaring them off though! I tried to intimidate them earlier but all it seemed to do was turn them on!" Nazz related as she adjusted her hair. "What was the secret to your success, dudes?" Kevin and the others looked at each other, all of them searching each others' eyes for a lie that wouldn't be obvious.
"Kevin owns a squat rack!" Sarah cried out suddenly.
"Makes sense to me! Glad you were able to put all that time locked up in your room to good use, Big Kev!"
"Sure, I make it look easy. Now let's get the hell out of here before the police show up to arrest me for vandalizing the the grocery store with my blood," Kevin said before offering a hand to Nazz. He began to lead her out of the alley while walking funny like he had a third leg. Dutch, Sarah, and Jonny soon followed suit, leaving Polly Poo Poo to stew in the corner and think about what a bad stuffed companion she had been.
"I suppose now is as good a time as any to get started on my will..." Edd whimpered as he stood in his room, his eyes locked onto the spot where his math homework used to be. As if the fact that he couldn't cook up a better title than "My Solutions" wasn't bad enough, now a thief was likely laughing at his inadequacy as well. To add grease to the fire, whoever took it was either very interested in mathematics or someone he knew, because not a single other thing was out of place in his bedroom. Fearfully, he decided it must be the latter. This meant that at any moment he could expect a lynch mob of kids at his door, a trio of dong-handlers waiting to jump him, or a helping of both at the same time.
"*Guffaws* hey double dee ahahaha i couldnt find the ointment for your achin feet but i can still lick them better," Ed stated as he appeared at Edd's bedroom door.
"Bunions and athlete's foot will hardly matter when I'm six feet under wriggling worms and cold dirt," Edd replied somberly.
"*Guffaws* yeah right ahahaha worms and dirt couldnt stop evil tim and youre twice the man he was," Ed comforted before approaching his melancholy friend and rubbing his shoulder.
"Thank you, Ed, those sort of encouraging words are exactly what I need now that we're on death's doorstep," Edd replied, shooting Ed a sad smile.
"*Guffaws* is now a bad time to mention evil tim is actually a woman ahahaha sorry for the spoilers on issue seventeen"
"It's actually the perfect time considering the horrid circumstances we suddenly find ourselves in!" Edd related before turning from Ed and laying his hand on the top of his desk. "I need you to remain in my room while I do a sweep of the premises. If I come back with a notebook in my hands, then you may proceed with the sorely-needed foot massage! If I return empty handed, there are bug-out bags in the closet and tickets to Ontario..."
"*Guffaws* but im not ready for a trip to canada ahahaha im not even packin a turkey baster for protection," Ed complained as he opened his jacket to reveal he wasn't strapped.
"Then I must locate that notebook for both our sakes, as I'm hardly prepared for the life of a fugitive myself! All the years I've spent dumping text books into my head haven't exactly left many brain cells over for street smarts!" Edd replied in a sudden panic before blasting out of the room like an overpriced model rocket.
"*Guffaws* alone at last in his bedroom ahahaha the age of ed is now," Ed celebrated to himself as he threw his arms into the air triumphantly.
"Darn you notebook for testing my faith in the reliability of inanimate objects to maintain stasis without proper inertia!" Edd puffed out in a fury of nerd rage. He rushed into his kitchen and started rifling through every drawer, cupboard, and cabinet, desperately hoping he had left it somewhere when he carried out his telephone's death sentence. When he came up short one notebook, he gripped his chest and began wheezing.
"No... no! I cannot give up hope just yet! I simply haven't been searching in the right spots!" Edd ranted as he continued his fall into madness. He launched himself into his living room and began turning the room upside down. Couch cushions and priceless vases flew across the air and smacked into furniture as the boy's hysteria grew more frenzied by the second. An ear-splitting crash followed by a sickening thud from upstairs interrupted his fall into the abyss of despair. "Oh lord! Ed is in my bedroom and I'm not there to babysit him!" he screamed as a new brand of terror entered his mind. He bounded over a coffee table before flying up the staircase so fast the pictures on the wall were ripped out of their frames.
"Hands in the air like you just don't care, mister!" Edd ordered as he kicked his door open. Ed froze while doing a handstand in the middle of the room. Edd reached up and held onto his sockhat for reassurance as he took in the devastation. Precious sticky notes covered every inch of his room including Ed himself. His magnifying glass was glued to his desk lamp and was currently burning a hole into his wall. His ant farm was spilled over on top of his bed and Ed had playfully written "Alien Moon Colony" on the side of his bed sheets in permanent marker. Ed held his pet cactus in his free hand, which had a retainer wrapped around it and Ed had crossed out "Jim" and written "Jimmy" on its pot. Edd found himself utterly speechless.
"*Guffaws* i know what ur thinkin ahahaha how is one man capable of so many great things," Ed said as some sort of convoluted explanation of his actions.
"What in the nine rings of Dante's Inferno is wrong with you!" Edd cried out as he began a woozy walk toward the annihilator of bedrooms. "Were so distraught that your own bedroom is clean for the first time in almost a decade that you had to sabotage mine?!"
"*Guffaws* thanks for supplying me a motive ahahaha that is definitely why i did this"
"Is there even a reason to go on anymore?! Is it time to check myself into an asylum?!" Edd moaned as he dropped to his knees before his destructive friend and buried his face into his hands.
"*Guffaws* the only thing i didnt obliterate was this notebook ahahaha good thing too cuz theres sum juicy stuff inside about sarah we didnt get to try out yet," Ed answered as he tossed Jim away and pulled a notebook out of his jacket. Jim crashed into the Alien Moon Colony and mercilessly genocided hundreds of ants before they could flee to the safety of their tunnels. Ignoring the cries of his loyal ant subjects, Edd snatched the book out of Ed's hands and admired it in disbelief. "*Guffaws* my money is on the notebook for this staring contest ahahaha"
"At least I've been spared from a public hanging in the middle of the Cul-De-Sac..." Edd whispered to himself before rising to his feet.
"*Guffaws* im happy ur finally thinkin positive ahahaha i cant think anything at all with all this blood rushing to my head," Ed said before putting himself upright, finally tired of waiting for Edd to unfreeze him.
"The only real positive I can find among the rubble I once called my bedroom is that you've somehow managed to recover the very item I was searching for!" Edd stated in relief as he snuggled the notebook against his cheek. "Perhaps you found it while you busied your careless hands transforming my bed into a resort for arthropods!"
"*Guffaws* actually a blue haired stranger in a hockey mask appeared at your window and handed it to me ahahaha they also gave me this cool ping pong ball," Ed replied before bouncing a bright red ball gag against the floor.
"If there's one thing I don't miss about Eddy being our friend it's all the bad habits you've picked up from him! In this case, his propensity for tall tales! Do you expect me to believe such a preposterous story after the carnage you've wreaked upon my sleeping quarters?!"
"*Guffaws* whatever you spray buckaroo ahahaha," Ed responded, too distracted by his new ball to give a even a pity fuck about Edd's nagging. He suddenly stopped play time with the sex toy when a sliver of what Edd yelled at him penetrated his five-inch thick skull. "*Guffaws* but i do miss eddy ahahaha we should move this party to his place and cheer our glum chum up."
"I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Ed..." Edd answered as the wind was taken out of his sails of geek fury. "The last time I spoke to Eddy, I was threatened with a beat down and a phone earned its wings! I can't even begin to imagine what lies in store for us if we try to confront Eddy in person!"
"*Guffaws* pain and misery like we have never known before ahahaha"
"Drat, I suppose I need to be the one thinking positive this time! Very well, let's be off to Eddy's for what is no doubt to be a bitter encounter with a small, bitter man!" Edd declared as Ed rolled the ball gag between his hands. Edd felt that whatever prickly thing had crawled up Eddy's flabby yet squeezable butt cheeks, it couldn't possibly be bad enough for him to turn down his two best friends face to face.
Kevin and Nazz rested on lawn chairs on Kevin's back porch as they feasted upon an ice cold pizza they found laying in his backyard. Dutch, Sarah, and Jonny had screwed off to do their own thing, and Kevin was thankful he got to spend some quality time with someone he actually liked at last. "I was a little reluctant to eat that first slice but now I can't get enough of this, dude!" Nazz said in between chewing cheesy chunks of yard pizza.
"I'm still wondering what uppity dork tossed this bad boy in my yard anyway," Kevin belched out, infecting the surrounding air with his pepperoni breath. "Must think they're too good to eat all-American Italian food like the rest of us! Probably some Canuckdork!"
"Their loss and our gain!" Nazz replied before engulfing a pizza crust in her jaws of death. "Speaking of gain, I better hit the treadmill tomorrow before I swell into a blimp again..."
"Hey, some guys like a little baby fat on a woman you know!" Kevin encouraged.
"That's really sweet, Kevi Hunkalicious! Maybe I can loosen my diet just a little bit!"
"Fuck that, I said baby fat not whale blubber!" he corrected to spare the lives of weight scales everywhere.
"You're such a kidder, dude!" Nazz teased back as Kevin shot her a glare to show he wasn't fucking kidding. "Jokes aside, I appreciate the food but I was sort of wondering why you ran off with Dutch and Sarah! Are they your backup friends if Rolf and I aren't around or something?"
"What about that peacedork, Jonny?"
"I will not acknowledge the existence of the forbidden one."
"Mad respect for that. I was just playing hopscotch or some shit with them down by the grocery store."
"God, I totally know that feeling when Sarah drags people into her girly crap!"
"Good thing I was there to turn it into manly crap!" Kevin boasted as he spun a plate covered in pizza grease on one finger. "Why are you asking anyway? Got tired of playing seeing eye dog for Rolf?"
"Not a chance, I'm too tough to give up on Rolf like that!" Nazz replied as she twirled a plate on each hand. "We both decided to take a break from doing cool people stuff at his place so we went out looking for you! Unfortunately we had a run in with some not cool people and you know how that ended!"
"Sure, lucky you those femdorks were too scared to take on the squat king!" Kevin answered as he twirled plates on his hands and one on his nose. "Kinda wish I had saved you a few minutes later though..."
"What's that mean?" Nazz asked as she dropped her plates and they shattered on the porch.
"Nothing! I didn't say shit!" Kevin claimed as his plates spun out and joined Nazz's in the sweet embrace of the afterlife. "We should go make sure Rolf isn't still out there smacking around garbage cans, babe!" he suggested, wisely shifting subjects.
"I'm down with that, dude! Bout time the cool people got back to doing the cool stuff!" Nazz exclaimed as the two of them left behind their post to find Rolf before he started beating the stuffing out of colorful woodland creatures instead of dumpsters.
Eddy was tucked under a blankie on his dad's recliner, busying himself flicking through channels in a sorrowful attempt to stave off the boredom that consumed every waking minute of his new life. He desperately wished he could take a step outside, but the idea of running into his distraught friends or his manic molesters frightened him too much to risk a journey into the sunlight. His finger finally stopped hammering the remote and he settled on an all day marathon of Glippo to soothe his uneasy thoughts. After all, at least in a cartoon none of this fucked up shit could ever happen.
Rapid knocks sounded off from his front door and Eddy gripped the remote tightly in his hand. A grimace formed on his face because he knew that wasn't the damn mailman with the latest volume of Jiggy Girls waiting for him. Despite this, he decided that a violent conflict with his friends beat wasting away on an armchair and threw the warm blankie off before stomping over to the door.
"Was the phrase 'I'll punch your lights out' not clear enough for you two motherf***ers or do I have to demonstrate it for ya?!" Eddy yelled through the door, mustering as much anger as he could manage. There was a moment of silence and Eddy briefly thought he had scared them off with his unchained savagery.
"Sir, I'm afraid I can't hand you this heavy package full of Jiggy Girls if you do that," a man's voice said through the door, causing Eddy to light up with excitement.
"Hot dog, stop holding out and hand that s*** over!" Eddy exclaimed as he threw the door open and held his hands out expectantly.
"*Guffaws* did you liek my impression eddy ahahaha hope i dont get in trouble for impersonating a member of the federal guvment," Ed replied, revealing that it was just his stinky ass and a concerned Edd standing on his porch.
"What the f*** I can't believe I actually got tricked by Ed!" Eddy wailed out, shocked at his own incompetence.
"If it's any consolation, I didn't think it would actually work either," Edd comforted as he wrung his hands together. "While we have an audience with you, Eddy, could you please tell us what possessed you to abandon the only two friends you have in our entire neighborhood?"
"No."
"A-Anything else you would like to add to that?"
"No."
"A-Are you sure? I sort of need you to run your mouth like usual or I'll begin to think something really is wrong with you! Please say at least two words!"
"No way."
"Thank you," Edd chirped out.
"*Guffaws* what do ya say u take out your depression on me ahahaha dont worry i can take all the pain and hurt you can dish out," Ed interjected before delivering a ruthless gut punch to himself to prove he meant serious business.
"Here's another two words just for you, Ed," Eddy said before holding up his hand. "F***." Eddy raised his middle finger. "Off." He pointed away from his house.
"*Guffaws* he doesnt even want to abuse his friends anymore ahahaha this is a code red friendship problem," Ed worried before wrapping his car-crushing arms around Edd's midsection. "*Guffaws* make him hit me double dee ahahaha im cold and alone without his fist breaking my nose," he begged as he began to squeeze Edd's body relentlessly.
"Eddy I implore you, if you could just step outside for the sake of my internal organs-" Edd began when Eddy whipped out a baseball bat from behind his door. "-then again, my organs could use the exercise!"
"Then get your exercise by running the opposite f***ing direction from my house!" Eddy commanded coldly. Ed let go of Edd and instead dove to Eddy's feet and grabbed his legs.
"*Guffaws* will you accept a memento to remember us by ahahaha before you return to your mausoleum of hate," Ed offered, Eddy lowering his bat in pity.
"Fork over your stupid gift then beat it! And it better not be a d*** piece of buttered toast!" Eddy replied. His stomach suddenly growled. "Actually give me the toast, my mom didn't leave any f***ing food in the house."
"*Guffaws* i have no toast ahahaha but i do have this pinger ponging ball for you to play with whenever you think about us," Ed answered before pulling a ball gag out of his pocket and presenting it up to Eddy. He took it reluctantly and held it up to his face for a closer look.
"How the h*** did you get your hands on this?" Eddy wondered aloud as Ed stood up in front of him and grinned. "I haven't seen this thing since I was at the Kankers' trailer!"
"Did I miss something? Can you remind me why were you at the Kankers' trailer again?" Edd asked, perplexed. "Ah!" he cried when Eddy suddenly took a swing with the baseball bat at his head.
"Quit with the annoying as f*** questions and scram before I brain you two a**hats!" Eddy ordered furiously before slamming the door in their faces. They heard him slide a chair against it on the other side.
"That could've gone worse. Would you like to have another go and risk blunt force trauma to the head, Ed?" Edd asked his companion, who was busy digging up his nose for green gold.
"*Guffaws* no can do double dee do ahahaha thats sarahs job," Ed said before removing his finger from the snot mines. "*Guffaws* that gives me an idea ahahaha lets go git sarah and see if she can help with eddy," he proclaimed before grabbing Edd by his paper-thin wrist.
"Wait, Ed! You aren't seriously proposing we retrieve your sister to-" Edd couldn't even finish that sentence before Ed dragged him across Eddy's yard toward his house while making police siren noises.
"And now you're finally complete and ready to be my playmate!" Sarah declared as she finished pulling a blue sweater over Jonny's body. She backed up to admire her work, a dream-like expression on her face. The two of them were standing in Sarah's backyard, where she had arranged an elaborate obstacle course of girly crap for them to run through.
"Do I really have to dress like this just to spend time with you?!" Jonny complained as he looked down at his attire. In addition to the sweater Sarah gifted him, she also asked him to change into white pants and forced his size twelve feet into size eight shoes. "The only part I'm really cool with is finally having a full head of hair!" he admitted as he patted the blonde wig with a cow-lick she had stuck on his head.
"You better be cool with all of it! It's a package deal!" Sarah argued before retrieving some hula hoops from the grass beside her. "Now how about we get the ultimate girly crap crash course started off easy with a bit of hoopty hoops!"
"Way cool, finally we're gettin' to the fun part!" Jonny exclaimed as he reached out for a hoop.
"You didn't say please, Dutch!" Sarah screamed before biting Jonny's hand like a rabid pit bull.
"Holy smokes!" he cried in pain before holding onto his injured hand, thankful that Sarah didn't choose to completely tear it off with her shark teeth. "Try chillin' out instead of wiggin' out! And my name is Jonny!"
"I know your name is Jonny, Dutch! Now say please already or we'll never get through enough girly crap to reach the manicure station waiting for us at the end!"
"Can I have a band-aid instead?! My parents freak out when they see the sight of blood!"
"Oh just forget it!" Sarah relented before tossing her hula hoops to the side. "You're the crappiest Dutch I've ever seen!"
"You've seen more than one?!"
"No but if I did, they'd all be better than you!" Sarah yelled as she grabbed Jonny's arm and pulled his wounded hand to her face. "You're such a wimp, I didn't even bite through to your muscle!"
"Well a free spirit like me isn't built for this kind of abuse!"
"Look just go inside my house and grab a band-aid from the bathroom!" Sarah ordered, Jonny nodding appreciatively. "And while you're at it, make me some chicken tenders from the freezer and a glass of lemonade!"
"Am I role-playing your brother now instead of Dutch?" Jonny asked in confusion.
"Huh. Well I did yell at you, hurt you, and order you to get me something..." Sarah answered as she stroked her chin thoughtfully. "So yes you are! Make sure to grab one of Ed's jackets from his room while you're at it so I can enjoy this to its fullest!"
"You got it, little sister!"
"Wait!" Sarah said before grabbing Jonny's arm to stop him from leaving. "Ed would've called me baby sister!"
"Thanks for the groovy tip, baby sister!" Jonny replied happily, suddenly having fun as a brand new foster brother. Sarah watched longingly as Jonny charged off into her house, pleased that she found a potential replacement for Ed in case he disowned her after she took her sweet revenge on him. "I wish Plank was here so I could rub this in his stupid back-scratchin' face!" Jonny cheered as he entered Sarah's kitchen and headed for the fridge. He opened up the freezer and grabbed a bag of frozen poultry treats before shutting the freezer door to reveal a grinning Ed behind it.
"*Guffaws* nice tan dutch ahahaha," Ed complimented, Jonny sliding a foot backward in surprise.
"Ed? What are you doing here?" Jonny inquired as hid the bag of tenders behind his back. He had prayed he wouldn't have to run into any of the Eds with he and his new buddies plotting against them. He calmed down a bit after figuring he could handle it as long as it wasn't the friendship wrecking asshole Eddy he had to deal with.
"*Guffaws* this is my house ahahaha were you hoping for the tooth fairy," Ed asked, Jonny shrugging in response.
"D-Did you finally locate your sister so we can get this ridiculous plan over with?" Edd asked as he entered the kitchen nervously.
"*Guffaws* nah its just dutch with sum chicken tendies behind his back ahahaha dont worry pal i wont tell my mom who ate them," Ed explained, Edd raising an eyebrow behind him.
"Hey, Double D! He's right, it's just me! Sarah's best friend Dutch!" Jonny said while talking in a high-pitched squeal.
"Jonny, I'm accustomed to bizarre theatrics from you but this is really next level!" Edd replied, eliciting an embarrassed chuckle from Jonny. "If you wouldn't mind, I'd like you to report to my house later this week so I can study you further!"
"Sure, why not? I guess I might as well role-play a lab rat too while I'm at it!" Jonny answered before tossing the chicken tenders onto a nearby counter top. "What are you guys up to anyway? Eddy isn't here too, is he?"
"Funny you should mention Eddy!" Edd began before coming closer to Jonny, who was uneasy at the direction of this conversation. "Ed and I were actually seeking help from Sarah - for some strange reason - in order to help coax Eddy out of his house! However, I believe you would be of far greater assistance than someone who would rather tear Eddy's head off!"
"Oh gee, I dunno," Jonny replied, knowing full well he also totally wanted to tear Eddy's off. "Why is Eddy not coming out of his house? Is he taking a vacation from destroying friendships?"
"No...?" Edd trailed off. "We're actually not sure what's bothering our squat yet lovable friend! With your help, however, I'm sure we can all find out together and set him back on the right track!"
"Right on!" Jonny answered, much to Edd's delight.
"Excellent! Then let's proceed to-"
"That's what I would say if I wasn't busy having a mind-blowing time with Sarah!" Jonny interrupted quickly before grabbing hold of the freezer handle. "And we're playing hide n' seek right now so I gotta get outta sight before Sarah finishes countin'! Peace out!" As soon as he was finished, he ripped open the freezer and closed himself inside of it.
"*Guffaws* what a great hidey hole ahahaha sarah will never find him in there even with heat seeking cyclops vision," Ed admired as Edd cursed under his breath behind him.
"Perhaps we should go speak to Dutch instead! It's obvious we'll get no help here, not from Jonny nor your sister!" Edd admitted painfully.
"*Guffaws* we just talked to dutch ahahaha you need to lie down for a breather double dee"
"I honestly wish I could, Ed, but now I feel as if I have to see this woefully ill-advised plan through to conclusion," Edd answered before grabbing Ed's shirt sleeve like he was a kid lost in Mondo A-Go Go and dragging him toward the front door while making police siren sounds.
Mister Yum Yum shook violently as Dutch stood over him, a foot planted firmly on the tiny stuffed rabbit's back. The pair were carrying out Dutch's fantasies of vengeance against Edd in his backyard, and he was just about to finish the one where he crushes Edd's spine with a sports cleat.
"Now then, what should I say before finishing the ruffian off?" Dutch pondered to himself as his stuffed friend prayed to the Easter Bunny that his life insurance plan was still good. "How about - Double D, you will now learn the price for not returning Sarah's affection! No, that one-liner simply won't do..." he muttered as he placed his hands on his hips to concentrate. He really needed something with more flavor to get across more of his disappointment in Edd for his utter failure in courtship. "I know - Double D, this is how Sarah's heart felt when you never returned her calls, you rapscallion!"
"And why exactly would Sarah be calling my house in the first place?" Edd's voice asked from out nowhere.
"Ah! I was only kidding!" Dutch yelped as he fell backwards onto his grass and curled up into a ball. "Don't hurt me, Double D! You're so big and strong and I'm just a weak punk with too much gas in his tank!"
"*Guffaws* ive never seen this side of you double dee ahahaha you took him out without even touching him like in those wacky japanese cartoons," Ed complimented, prompting Dutch to peek out from inside of his ball of cowardice. He realized he had gotten way too into his daydreams of torturing an imaginary Edd and had completely missed the actual Edd entering his backyard with Ed in tow.
"That's enough rough and tumble playtime for one day..." Dutch admitted to himself quietly as he fixed his hair and stood up. "You two should really try ringing the doorbell instead of waltzing into people's backyards uninvited you know!"
"I'm sincerely sorry but we're kind of in a hurry," Edd answered, glad that whatever strange games Dutch was playing were firmly over with. "Ed and I decided to seek you out, Dutch, because-" Edd was interrupted when Ed smugly chuckled. "As I was saying, we really wanted your help with Eddy. You see, Dutch, he has-" he paused when Ed released another smug chuckle and crossed his arms. "Eddy locked himself in his house so I wanted to see if you could help us, Dutch, so that-" he was forced to stop when Ed unleashed a max level chuckle and narrowed his eyes. "Ed, what in Sam hill is so funny to you that you can't wait until I'm done?!"
"*Guffaws* please double dee are you so blind ahahaha jonny doesnt fool me with that cheap dutch costume," Ed replied confidently. "*Guffaws* he doesnt even have the retainer ahahaha i mean come on"
"But I haven't even needed that retainer in a while!" Dutch protested as he rubbed his cheeks. "Not that I would've needed it in the first place if not for a certain trio..." he seethed under his breath. Now Dutch was pissed about all three Eds instead of just the naggy one in a black hat.
"Good lord almighty, grant me the strength to overcome the tribulation known as Ed!" Edd complained as he lifted his head toward the sky.
"Save your prayers, Double D, you'll be needing a lot of them very soon," Dutch said out loud with a demonic glean in his eyes.
"What's happening so soon that I would need a lot of prayers for?" Edd asked as his eyes widened in fear at some coming terror he had no knowledge of.
"Because if Eddy is being that much of a sour puss, you'll need all the divine intervention you can get to break him out of his shell!" Dutch replied gleefully before grabbing Edd's hand. "I wish you both the best of luck in helping Eddy out when he's feeling down and out!" he added as he rubbed the back of Edd's hand, testing it for weak points.
"I appreciate the encouragement but we could use real help instead of kind words," Edd reasoned, wanting to pull his hand away from Dutch's touch but finding it strangely enjoyable.
"Alas I wouldn't be much help at all! Ever since Sarah replaced me with Jonny, I've been so distraught that I actually need time to myself as well!" Dutch lamented as he laid a hand across his forehead.
"So you know about that then? I didn't want to bring that up but it did seem a tad weird. Well, a tad weird for Sarah but something I fully expect from Jonny."
"*Guffaws* dont let it get ya down ahahaha sarahs been wanting to replace me for years," Ed interjected as Dutch finally released Edd's hand from his hypnotic grasp.
"Don't fret for my health, Ed! A little tea and crackers with Mister Yum Yum will get me back up and ready to take on the world!" Dutch replied, scooping up his stuffed friend from the grass and holding him close to his side. "Now if you both don't mind, please leave my backyard while I go back inside to thank my parents for those acting lessons!" he exclaimed before leaving the comedic duo to their own devices.
"So..." Edd let out as he aimlessly stood there.
"*Guffaws* wanna try nazz ahahaha," Ed suggested.
"Why not?" Edd said as they both took Dutch's sage advice and politely left his backyard while making police siren noises.
Five hours later, Ed and Edd sat out on Nazz's porch well after the sun had sunk down under the horizon and the moon graced Peach Creek with its soft glow. Ed was enjoying listening to a chorus of crickets chirp around them while Edd stared down as his sneakers. "*Guffaws* do you think they'll start putting up missing posters of us soon ahahaha," Ed said as he kicked his legs back and forth.
"If we wait here in false hope much longer, they just might," Edd answered in dejected tone. "I was really thinking Nazz would be our ringer for this ordeal but I can't really lie to myself anymore about her answering that door if we just wait one more hour."
"*Guffaws* weakling ahahaha i could go for another week"
"As much as I'd love to camp outside of Nazz's house for a week just to behold her angelic beauty, we're going to have to call this night!" Edd announced before standing up and popping his kneecaps back into place.
"*Guffaws* we cant call it quits so soon ahahaha we didnt even try rolf yet"
"I doubt Rolf would be very helpful to us when he practically needs an assistant to avoid drowning in the creek at this point," Edd answered before helping Ed up to his feet.
"*Guffaws* at least rolf and i have something in common other than height now ahahaha"
"But just because we're giving up on Eddy tonight doesn't mean we give up on him tomorrow! Meet me at my house as soon as you wake up!"
"*Guffaws* three o clock in the afternoon it is then ahahaha"
After exchanging their usual hug of eternal friendship, the two boys parted ways to return to the darkness of their homes where they could dream in peace about their dead relationship with Eddy.
Eddy laid on his bed and stared up at the ceiling while rubbing the belt-inflicted bruises on his ass. He thought now that he was four years older he could get away with telling his parents to shut the fuck up, but he learned the hard way that he was sorely mistaken. Their questions over their usual fast food supper about Ed and Edd had gotten to him so badly, however, that he couldn't help himself. He knew he could deal with a little corporal punishment here and there though, just as long as he knew Ed and Edd were safely away from him where they'd be protected.
Suddenly a boner formed in his underwear. At first he was scared because he thought it meant he really freaking enjoyed being whipped with a belt by his dad, but calmed down once he realized he wasn't nearly that sick in the head just yet. He got scared all over again, however, when the true meaning behind this midnight erection came into his mind. How could he still want to pay a visit to the Kankers after all the horrific shit they had put him through? Not just him but his two friends as well? Eddy figured he must one of those kids you read about that had a really fucked up childhood as the only reasonable explanation. He decided that he wouldn't let his carnal desire get the best of him and flipped over on his belly to crush his boner into the bed springs.
As Eddy grit his teeth in pain, he felt the lustful urge shrink as his manhood did. He sighed with relief and felt that he had finally won a tiny victory after all the epic fails he had been taking lately. He then tried his best to finally get some sleep, hoping that he didn't start sleepwalking like Ed and end up at the Kankers' trailer anyway in the middle of the night.
