Zero Regrets

(November 19-25, 2017)


36: Coming Home

Teek and Mabel trudged in around one-thirty in the morning. Tripper heard them and insisted on greeting them, so Dipper pulled on a pair of sweatpants and let him out. "You guys OK?" he asked.

Mabel, yawning, knelt to hug her doggy and nodded. "Yep. Set is knocked down, pieces are going to storage, puppets will be returned to the rental agency on Monday. And Teek and I are really good and didn't go to the cast party!"

"Well," Teek said, "they warned us it wouldn't wind down until sometime tomorrow morning. I mean Monday morning!"

"So . . . we're gonna turn in. OK if Tripper sleeps with you guys again?"

"OK with me," Dipper said. As both Teek and Mabel headed toward her room, He asked,
"What time tomorrow do you want to wake up?"

"Whenever," Mabel said. "If you guys get up and we're still in bed, just go on ahead. We'll get there."

"Want us to take Tripper?"

"Nah, he can ride with us. G'night, Dip!"

"Good night."

"Oh, Dip—?"

He paused with the bedroom door open. "Yeah?"

"Thanks for not making us feel awkward and all."

"You're welcome," he said.

He and Tripper went back into the bedroom. Wendy sleepily asked, "They get in OK?"

"Yeah. It's just past one-thirty. We're gonna get up quietly and probably take off for the Falls before they get up. They had to work on the set for hours. They both went to Mabel's room."

"Well, we know, and they know we know. You didn't joke or—?"

"No. After all the jokes she made about us, before and after our wedding, maybe I should have!"

"It's not you. Snuggle up and let's get some sleep."

He did, but as usual, he woke before six the next morning. He pulled the sweatpants back on, let Tripper out, fed him, and then very quietly made some pancakes and sausages, cut up a few strawberries, added some blueberries and whipped cream, and then put a plate and cup on a tray and carried it to Wendy.

"Breakfast in bed," he said.

Wendy sat up, forgetting she wasn't dressed in—well, anything. "Whoops! Hey, man, toss me a tee shirt or something!"

Dipper gave her one of his, and when she pulled it on, he grinned.

"What?"

"Well, it's thin and it doesn't leave anything to the imagination."

With a wrinkled-nosed grin, she jiggled her—shoulders. And other places. "Oh, stop leering and feed me."

He set the tray up for her, went back to the kitchen—Tripper begged, but without much hope. Dipper gave him a marrow bone—a rare treat—and he enthusiastically took it into the back yard for a good gnawing and perhaps later a safe burial. Dipper made his own tray and took it to the bedroom, along with the small coffee carafe.

"These are good, man," Wendy said. "That all the berries?

"Most of them. I'll leave a note and ask Mabel to finish them. They'd go mushy before we get back. We've got about a quart of milk left—take it with us to the Falls, you think? Doesn't make sense just to dump it."

"Sure, we'll take the little cooler. Spare a poor girl another sausage link?"

"Help yourself," Dipper said. "I cooked half of what we have left. Maybe Mabel and Teek will finish the rest off."

Wendy speared one of Dipper's four links. "Thanks, man. How'd you get the pancakes so fluffy?"

"I don't know," he said. "I just fixed them the usual way." He took a bite. "They did turn out good, though!"

Wendy polished off the last of her pancakes and the extra sausage. Then, with a satisfied sigh, she finished her cup of coffee and from the small carafe poured just half a cup more. "This is the way to wake up. When I think of all those years we never went to bed together and woke each other up with breakfast—I can sympathize a lot more with Mabes and Teek!"

Dipper ate his breakfast and as Wendy got up and went into the bathroom, he admired her and even whistled. "Cool it," she said, grinning over her shoulder. "I'm gonna take a shower and then put on some pants!"

"What a shame," he said.

The nicest thing about their bathroom was the big shower stall. Plenty of room for two. They did a little mental fooling-around in the shower, nothing terribly physical, and then dried off and dressed. "Taking your car?" Wendy asked.

"Yeah, let's. But make sure the Green Machine is in the garage and the garage is locked. Don't want it stolen again!"

They carried the luggage out to Dipper's Land Runner. "I'm gonna brew another small pot of coffee," Wendy said, "and we'll take the big Thermos in case we want to stop and perk up halfway there. You sleepy?"

"I'm fine to drive," Dipper said. "You?"

"Yeah, but I want the Thermos as insurance."

By eight, with no peep from Mabel's room, Dipper and Wendy were antsy to get on the road. Wendy made some road-trip sandwiches—two mozzarella, avocado, and tomato ones, two peanut-butter and banana ones wrapped in tortillas—and Dipper left Mabel a detailed note asking her to use up the berries and the last of the sausages and please empty the grounds from the coffee maker. And oh, yes, whatever you do, be sure to arm the security system! And when you're ready to hit the road, call my phone and let us know. Thanks!

PS—the hot tub is on, just in case you and Teek have some achy muscles.

He let Tripper back inside and latched the doggy door, and Wendy and he quietly left, heading back to the Falls for the first time since August 31.


They hit a little light rain as they drove east from Crescent City that cool morning. They soon ran out of it, though the clouds lingered, and were almost to the Oregon state line when Dipper's phone rang. He was at the wheel, so Wendy answered and put it on speaker. "Hi," she said. "You guys leaving?"

"Hi, Wendy—"

"Me, too," Dipper said. "You're on speaker."

"Oh, hi, Brobro! No, Teek's cooking pancakes for us. Thanks for setting up the coffee maker so we just had to turn it on! You fed Tripper, right?"

"First thing this morning," Dipper said.

"Oh, good. I thought he was lying to me! Well—we're planning to leave around noon or so. Um."

"What?" Dipper asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"Come on, Mabes," Wendy said. "Don't be shy."

"Well—if Teek and I take a dip in the hot tub, should we just turn it off?"

"Drain it," Dipper said. "Use the long hose and run it down and through that little culvert beside the back gate so it can drain toward the creek."

"OK." Mabel sighed. "Don't tell anybody in the Falls that I got my ring, OK? We want to surprise everybody!"

"We won't."

Long pause. Then, "Teek and I talked it over. We want our wedding to be right after we get out of college. Is it OK to wait that long?"

"Whatever you guys want!" Wendy said.

"Yeah, OK. Um, Wendy, can you and I talk about a few things later on? Maybe tomorrow?"

"Sure thing," she said.

When Mabel hung up, Dipper asked, "Wife things?"

"Dunno, but I'd guess so. Maybe she wants a referral to my lady doctor."

"Why would she want—oh! OK."

"Yeah, a girl likes something reliable," Wendy said.


They pulled off the highway north of Klamath Falls, at a state park, but the day was overcast and a lot colder than it would have been in Crescent City—the temperature hadn't even reached forty degrees, and a gusty wind made it chillier—so instead of claiming a picnic table, they parked and had sandwiches and coffee in the car. Before they finished, Mabel called and said they were ready to leave. "Be sure to arm the security system," Dipper warned again.

"Got it. Where are you guys?"

"About halfway."

"OK. I'll drop Teek off, and probably stay and talk to his folks for an hour or two. Meet you in the Shack?"

"Fine," Dipper said. "Soos may put us to work."

"It's a dark day!" Mabel objected, using the theater term for a day of no business.

"November," he reminded her. "Time for the annual inventory and cleaning."

"Yech! Soos wouldn't do that to us! Hey, tomorrow Tripper and I are gonna go visit Waddles and Widdles, anyway, so let's beg off."

"If Soos agrees," Dipper said.

"Aw, he's a big old cuddly pushover," Mabel said, and she was right. She hung up and Dipper and Wendy finished their in-car picnic.

"Want me to dig out our jackets?" Dipper asked as they prepared to change seats.

"Nah, I'm good. Might bump up the heater thermostat a little, though. I see what you guys used to go through when you came up from Piedmont to the snowy Northwest!"

"It's an adjustment."

"Dip—let's stay in the attic, OK?"

"Fine with me," he said. "Only the beds up there are pretty narrow."

"That's the fun of it," she said with a wicked grin. "Seatbelt!"


By the time they arrived in Gravity Falls in midafternoon, the clouds had clamped right down, and the wind was gusting up to twenty miles an hour. However, the temperature had climbed up to fifty—though the wind chill made it hard to tell a difference. Soos, Melody, and Abuelita welcomed them to the Shack, Harmony and Little Soos squealed and hugged them, and after unpacking, they drove over to the Corduroy house.

Wendy looked around in some alarm. The place was clean.

"Yeah," Dan said, noticing her staring, "Ruby comes in every other day to help us clean up. And the boys are more careful to pick up and everything nowadays." He winked. "You know, Ruby used t' be a Marine!"

"Ruby?" Wendy asked.

"Yeah, Ruby Cazdan. You know her. Widow lady, 'bout my age. Lives up on Raccoon Run, little farm."

"She the tall woman that wears fatigues? Kinda coppery hair?"

"That's her. We, uh. Well, she comes in and cleans, and I pay her, but we, uh."

"You're dating!" Wendy said.

"Kind of." Dan dropped his head. "I get kinda lonesome," he admitted in a low voice. "I wanted to ask you, Wendy—you reckon your mama would mind?"

She hugged him. "Of course not! The only thing in the world Mom ever wanted was for our family to be cared for and happy. You know that."

"I wasn't askin' for your permission or anything," Dan said. "But, you know. I just wanted you to know and not be upset or nothin'. Now, we ain't talked anything permanent, mind! But I take her bowling."

"Then it's serious," Wendy said with mock gravity. "Hey, you guys are invited to the Shack for Thanksgiving dinner! Bring Ruby, too, Dad!"

"I may ask her," Dan said. "What can we bring?"

"Lorena will probably organize it," Dipper said. "We'll ask her and let you know."

From the Corduroy place they drove to Stan and Sheila's, where Ford and Lorena were also sitting and chatting. After the usual questions—how was the drive? Mabel still over the moon? How's Teek holding up?—Ford said that he and Fiddleford had consulted the faculty, and the next spring they would arrange to increase the student body of the Institute for the Study of Anomalous Sciences (Ford wasn't great at names) to two hundred and twenty students. "We have a site already picked out for a new dormitory," he said, "and Fiddleford has plans for a modular instructions—the frame will be easy to put up in a matter of a couple of months, and then the individual rooms can be prefabricated and just slipped into place."

And Stan said that he was giving very serious consideration to running for Mayor of Gravity Falls. "Election's set for summer of 2019," he said. "If nobody else comes out as a serious candidate, I'll do it. Tyler says he's about had his fill of it. It pays hardly anything, you know. So it's mainly the glory and the headaches. Dipper, what do you think? Could I do the job?"

"Grunkle Stan," Dipper said, "you can do anything you put your mind to. Where are Mom and Dad?"

"They wanted to see Crater Lake," Ford said. "So they're on a little road trip."

"They could've picked a better day for it," Wendy said. "Kinda breezy and nippy."

"How are they feeling about Teek and Mabel?" Dipper asked.

Sheila laughed. "Alex is comfortable, Wanda's antsy. Know what the young couple's plans are?"

"Long engagement," Wendy said. "At least that's what they're thinking—get married when they both graduate from college."

"Ay-yi-yi!" Stan said. "They'll never hold out that long!"

"But," Sheila said firmly, "whatever, we won't meddle!"

Late that afternoon, while they waited for Mabel and Teek to show up, Dipper answered the door of the Shack to find an odd pair of visitors—Jeff the Gnome and Chutzpar the Manotaur.

In the spirit of the human holiday, they had brought gifts for the table. Chutzpar had a package of venison tenderloin big enough to serve a large family—of humans, or maybe one Manotaur—and Jeff had a basket of assorted Gnome jams and jellies, in human-sized jars.

"These won't turn us into super-powered crazy people, will they?" Dipper asked suspiciously.

"Or make my boobs grow to triple size?" Wendy added.

"What? No! These are pure jams and jellies, not our secret recipes!" Jeff said, sounding shocked.

"Darn," Wendy said, but she was grinning.

"Uh—would you like a little booberry jam?" Jeff asked.

"No, we're fine as is," Dipper said hastily. "But thanks."

"OK. But before you leave again, I'll be sure to bring you a tiny little jar of Mushroom Shaboom," Jeff said. "Just a pinch, and you have a great night's sleep. You drop it in a cup of hot tea or whatever. You can give us a report when you come back for Christmas. If it works well on humans, we're thinking of selling it in the Shack."

"You guys set for the cold months?" Dipper asked.

"Oh, sure," Chutzpar said. "All stocked up with dried meat. Ready to seal up the Man Cave until—" he balled his fists and bawled, "MATING SEASON!"

Shaking his head as his ears rang, Dipper said, "Great, great."

"The Gnomes are pretty well set, too," Jeff said. "We have larger numbers now—a good many of the Ferals decided to rejoin the colony—and we're moving from the trees to the winter quarters. I only wish we could burrow a little further below the frost line, but what are you gonna do? Get down too far and the Molemen hear us and come up to prey on us. We can hold them off now that the McGucket has given us some weapons, but who needs the headaches?"

Just then Mabel burst in, Tripper bounding along just behind her. "Wahh! Ta-da! Mabel's in the house! So good to be in the Shack again! Oh, hey, Jeff! Hey, big cow man—Pituataur?"

"That's my brother. I'm Chutzpar!"

"Hey, Dip! Teek's mom and dad are fine with us! His little sister started to cry, though, until I told her that I'd be her big sister after we get married—"

"Married?" Jeff asked. "Mazel tov! Did I say that right? Teek is a lucky guy! Me and four other Gnomes are jealous—but congratulations!"

"May your first child be a masculine child and broad of horns!" Chutzpar said.

Soos, who had been back in the gift shop with Melody working on the inventory, came bursting in. "Hambone! Did my ears hear right? You and Teek—?"

"Uh-huh," Mabel, said, showing him her new ring. "Oh, Jeff, don't worry, I'm still wearing the promise ring with the stones you guys got for Teek, see?" She'd just shifted it to her right hand. "It's gonna be a while before we're married and even think about children, Chutzpar, but thank you!"

Soos wiped away a tear. "Aw. They grow up so fast!"