Seth remained quiet throughout the whole car ride. Matthew checked occasionally to ensure that he wasn't trying to kill himself, but always found him instead just sitting in the backseat, staring blankly out the window like a statue.

Once they reached the mansion, they noticed a car parked next to the garage. It was a blue four-door car made in the 1990s and had a 'baby on board' sign in one of the back windows.

Before they parked, Matthew asked snidely, "That your baby momma, Lucas?"

"Must you add that phrase to your limited lexicon?" Lucas hissed and then added in a calmer voice, "Anyway…yeah, it might be. I told Emily that she could stay in one of the guest rooms until the west wing of the mansion is done to accommodate her and Rosalyn."

"Aw, it almost sounds like you have a heart there, Lucas," Matthew teased.

Lucas scowled; "Shut up! I still have an image to protect! I mean, what kind of reputation would I have if I left her and the baby in some dingy apartment?" Then it dawned on him. "Oh shit, within the next week or two, Emily and I will have to change Rosalyn's surname on her birth certificate and I'll have to sign it."

"What's her name now?" Matthew asked, half-curious.

"It's some Cajun name; Rosalyn Amelia LeBlanc," Lucas replied, "At least until she becomes a Holmes."

"What about Emily?" Matthew asked, "Didn't your dad want you to marry the broad?"

"Too soon to tell." Lucas shrugged, "At the very least, having them move in will keep my old, decrepit father off my back for the time being."

Then Matthew asked the obvious; "Will having her here ruin our plans?"

Lucas shook his head; "Probably not. The mansion is big enough to avoid having her know about it."

"It better be!" Matthew growled.

Emily had stepped out of her car and opened the back seat to hoist Rosalyn out and into her arms. She wore a light blue hoodie over a yellow cami shirt with light blue low-rise, skinny jeans and a pair of yellow converse sneakers. Rosalyn wore a little sailor outfit with bootie socks.

Lucas got out of the Jeep first and walked over to greet them.

"I completely forgot you were moving in today," he began shakily, "Not that I'm not glad to see you, but my friend is having a bit of a crisis and we need to get him to my panic room. If you can wait in the living room with Rosalyn, I won't be long. I've already had one of my staff purchase a bunch of little kiddie movies for Rosalyn to enjoy. If you need help with the surround sound system, just press a button to get one of my staff to help you."

"Can I ask you a favor?" Emily asked, ignoring that little spiel. Lucas gave her a blank look, startled by her blatant disregard for what he just said as she continued, "Can you hold Rosalyn? I need to have a smoke before I go inside."

"I don't really have the time? I have to get my friend inside…" The look on her face quickly made him change his mind, "Fine, give her here."

Lucas accepted Rosalyn from Emily as she stepped aside to smoke a cigarette. By this time, Matthew and Seth had gotten out of the car with Matthew following Seth closely. As they drew near, Matthew smirked from ear to ear.

"Y'know I've never noticed it before," he began slyly

Lucas glared at him as he tried to soothe the fussing infant in his arms and subsequently failed.

"You never noticed what before?" he snapped, "That you're an idiot?"

"That you and Rosalyn have the same upturned nose," Matthew's grin grew wider as he thought of various ways to describe that distinct feature, "Just seeing you and that brat together made me realize that you two have the same Whoville look. You know that type of nose that makes it look like you smelled shit and turned your nose up at it. The type that snooty rich bitches have."

"Fuck off and die," Lucas cursed at Matthew, causing the infant to wail louder in his arms, "Seriously? Why does this baby keep crying?"

"You're holding her all wrong," Seth scolded as he stepped up and adjusted Lucas' arms to where he was holding the baby closer to him and supporting her by the back of her head and under her butt, "There. Now rock her gently." Lucas did as instructed with a grimace. "See, she's already calming down."

"This is why I have to hire a nanny." Lucas grumbled, "How did you know what to do?"

"Father's instinct," Seth shrugged, "Christ, I need a smoke."

"I'll have Emily loan you one when we get into the panic room," Lucas offered.

Once Emily finished her cigarette, they retired inside and Lucas handed Rosalyn back to her. After bumming a cigarette from her for Seth, Lucas grabbed a lighter from one of the living room tables and led the way towards the panic room.

"It's menthol, by the way," Lucas noted as he lit the cigarette. Seth grimaced a little in response to being denied lighting it himself, making Lucas add; "What? I don't exactly trust you with even a lighter right now." When Matthew gave him a dirty look of his own, Lucas groaned. "Oh c'mon, at least I'm not asking him a hundred questions about what it was like living in a trailer park like the last time he was suicidal."

Letting the matter drop there, the three continued on their way. Reaching the panic room was murder on the feet, being so far into the manor. Matthew wondered if this was how Lucas managed to stay so scrawny. Upon reaching the room, Lucas entered the pin into the keypad and welcomed them in.

It lacked the modern charm the guest rooms did, but at least it was functional and contained a bathroom with a shower connected to it. There was even a mini fridge, containing small snacks and various bottled waters. Seth entered first, wandering blearily around the room.

"Alright, Lucas, I can't believe I'm saying this, but talk to Seth for a minute, will ya?" Matthew asked, pinching the bridge of his nose as he withdrew his cellphone, "I have to call Seth's parlor and tell them he has the flu and that they might have to reschedule any tattoo appointments he's got for some other time when he's well again."

"Sure, but what do I talk to him about?" Lucas asked.

"Anything, but death, dismemberment, or…I dunno, anything related to your weird online searches," Matthew explained.

"Alright. Will do," Lucas dutifully replied.

Once Matthew was gone, Seth looked into the desk for something. Lucas was about to tell him that there's barely anything in them when he saw Seth withdraw a sharpened pencil and some blank paper. Oh, okay, so he's going to draw something. That should be fine, right? Seth sat down to start doodling and Lucas decided to come over to see. Shooting him a dirty look, Seth hunched his shoulders in an effort to get Lucas to stop staring at him, but Lucas managed to catch a glimpse of what Seth was drawing; a man ripping out his own heart.

"Okay, I know you don't like to hear this even when you're sane, but maybe draw something else, will ya?" Lucas complained, "Matthew will have my ass if he sees that."

Seth wordlessly stopped drawing, dropping the pencil and standing before carrying himself to the bed and flopping down. The man looked like a former shell of himself and it was freaking Lucas out.

"Jesus, you're serious about ending your life, aren't you?" Lucas began in his attempt to have a conversation with Seth, who was having none of it, "Alright, fine, don't answer me, but at least hear me out. I won't spare any expense to get you back to the old Seth, alright? If you want an elaborate five course meal, it's yours. If you want a hot tattooed twenty-something masseuse to rub your back, it's done. Just name it."

"I don't want anything," Seth finally spoke up, his tone sounding as numb as he looked, "Besides I doubt my wife would appreciate it if I were to get a massage by anyone but her."

"Okay, Jesus," Lucas grumbled under his breath, "Never heard of anyone turning down food and women." Lucas fidgeted a little before decided to shift to another topic. "I should know a thing or two about vacations, y'know. I went to Thailand with my father when I was fifteen."

"You went to Thailand?" Seth asked with an air of disbelief, "What was it like?"

"It wasn't too bad of a country," Lucas boasted, "a little poor for my tastes, but my dad had business there, so I decided to go with him. I guess I could've invited you and Matthew, but at the time you were on a bad drug bender and he was in the nuthouse."

"What city did you go to?" Seth asked, a little more curious, "What did you do there?"

"I went to Pattaya City," Lucas recalled, "I ate food and soaked up the sun at Jomtien Beach. The restaurant I went to served up some really good duck breast with red curry sauce."

"You do seem to really like duck and rabbit recipes," Seth noted, remembering that Lucas' palate went beyond the standard cow, pig, chicken, and fish recipes.

"Yeah, it's a shame too that the common American diet doesn't usually include those two," Lucas lamented.

Seth rolled his eyes; "So what else did you do in Thailand?"

"Well, they also had a killer nightlife," Lucas continued, "I got a fake I.D. made to get into the nightclubs. Once there, I started making out with this skinny Thai chick. Though, I didn't get very far, because she started asking me for money — she was a prostitute. Thank God I got out of there before she tried to rape me and take my money."

"Does…Thailand really have a bad prostitute problem?" Seth asked, halfway invested in Lucas' story.

"Yeah, I don't know about today, but it did in the 90's," Lucas answered, "A few days after that prostitute incident, an affluent local told us about sex tourists in the country and a good percentage of American sex tourists were looking for Thai women to get their rocks off to. However, there's a niche of people who go into the country for ladyboy prostitutes or child prostitutes. Ladyboys are what the locals call trans women."

"You're lucky you didn't get turned into a child prostitute while you were there or had your kidneys stolen," Seth chided his friend.

"Yeah, that probably would have made that shitty situation worse," Lucas admitted, before looking around with a grimace, "Dammit, where the fuck is Matthew? He was supposed to have been back by now."

"He's probably calling his little lover boy," Seth replied with a hint of humor.

"Fucking bastard," Lucas snorted, "He's the biggest whoremonger I've ever met."

Suddenly the door opened and one of Lucas' staff members entered.

"Sorry to interrupt, Mister Holmes," she began politely, "but a Missus Lovering has arrived with her young child to see her husband."

ABABABABABA

After Mathew was done calling the dipshits who work under Seth, he decided to slip into one of the guest rooms to call Edd.

"Hey Princess," he cooed into the receiver, "Ya miss me yet?"

"I suppose?" Edd replied, sounding a bit distracted, "What time are you going to be home, anyway? And where are you?"

"Not for a couple of days, unfortunately" Matthew heard Edd groan over the phone's receiver and explained, "Ah, so you do miss me? Figured as much. I'll tell ya this; I wish I was there with you instead to fill you up, but…I got an emergency situation which has me out to Lucas' for a couple of days. Before you ask, I don't really want to talk about it, but it's been a long stressful morning and I could sure as fuck use a release."

"I won't pry into your business, Matthew," Edd replied wearily, "But, didn't we just have sexual relations this morning? Surely, you can't be that sexually frustrated again?"

"I've had a crappy day!" Matthew snapped back, "Even Seth and Lucas are starting to look like potential fucktoys right now. Hell, in my state, I'd even fuck Seth's wife or Lucas' baby momma. I'll fuck anything over the age of fifteen that moves."

"That's a little disturbing," Edd scoffed, calling Matthew's bluff, "Surely, you jest, though. The extent of your sexual preferences can't be that vast, can it?"

"Okay, you caught me," Matthew admitted, "But that's not the point. The point is that I'm needing another dose of you to get through this rotten day."

"I can't make it out there today," Edd replied, "Even if I had the gas to get up there, who's going to watch the house while I'm gone and feed Niels Bohr? Not to mention, my posterior and head are still aching terribly and you never told me where your pain medication is."

"Tell you what, sweetheart," Matthew murmured huskily, "If you agree to have phone sex with me, I'll tell you where I keep my painkillers."

He heard Edd groan in aggravation over the phone before heaving a sigh.

"Very well, but you'd better keep your word," he grumbled, hesitantly agreeing to the compromise, "How should we start this?"

"You can start by telling me what you're wearing," Matthew purred as he sat down in a chair.

"Well…I'm in a fresh pair of underwear and your Twisted Sister band shirt," Edd explained, "I hope that's alright? I needed a long shirt to lay down in after my shower."

"Mmm, I love that answer," Matthew mused haughtily, "That's a great shirt and I bet you look real sexy in it. Oh, but you're just going to get dirty again and I know how much you hate that…"

"As much as I hate to waste water," Edd replied, "I can always take another shower."

"I bet you smell damn good after that long shower you just had," Matthew's imagination was starting to drive him wild, "Why don't you take off your underwear but leave the shirt on?"

Matthew heard fabric shuffling and knew that his precious princess was removing his underwear, and, as far as he's picturing, leaving on the shirt.

"Alright, I'm naked from the waist down," Edd announced, "What would you like for me to do now?"

"Hmm…I would like you to pinch those cute little nipples with your free hand," Matthew commanded, "then explore your torso and imagine that it's my hands exploring your body."

Matthew listened carefully into the phone. After a moment of silence, he heard soft little mews coming from Edd's end, indicating that his directions were effective. Not just for Edd, of course, as those sexy little noises were starting to turn him on too.

With his free hand, Matthew unzipped his pants and tugged down his boxers.

"My dick's out, sweetheart…I'm practically leaking precum all over my —" Matthew whispered huskily into the cell until he was interrupted by the door opening.

There stood Emily with her baby in her carseat in one arm and a suitcase and diaper bag in the other.

"Eww gross! Oh my god, that's so disgusting!" Emily shrieked as she slammed the door shut again, obviously having the wrong room. What a dumb bitch!

He shouted back at her through the closed door; "At least my cock's bigger than your goddamn baby daddy's, you flat-chested bitch!" He huffed until he heard giggling at the other end of the line. "What are you laughing at, Princess?" Rather than let him answer, he then stated. "I'm kind of insulted. The same fucking bitch that let Lucas impregnate her within hours of meeting him, just called me disgusting." Matthew then started singing. "The bitch can shuck me, suck me, eat me raw."

Edd cleared his throat, both to get Matthew's attention, and cease his giggling. "Shall we…continue?"

"Ooh…you've read my mind," Matthew grinned, reclining in the chair again, "Alright, to get back into it, I now want you to stroke your cute cock. Do it nice and easy for me."

He could hear Edd's uneven breathing through the phone as he started to stroke himself. Matthew was stroking his own, wanting to savor the moment. Why not, right? Seth was locked up in the panic room, nice and secure. Lucas was out of his hair for the time being. That bitch, Emily, was definitely not going to come back to interrupt a second time. All was well. He could hear Edd's gasps and moans through the receiver. His own husky moans added to the tantalizing song of sexual desire. It was music to his ears.

"I-I'm…about to ejaculate," Edd announced through his moans.

"Not yet, sweetheart," Matthew ordered.

Edd whined, stopping his stroking; "But—I'm so close!"

"That's an order, Princess," Matthew stated firmly, "Besides I got something better for you to do. Go into my closet and pull out the black vibrator inside."

He heard Edd huff a little before shuffling over to the closet, followed by the door opening and Edd digging through Matthew's belongings.

He knew when Edd pulled it out, as he said more as a statement than a question; "You want me to use this on myself."

"You got that right, sweetheart," Matthew confirmed, "Now get your ass comfortable for me and fuck yourself on it. The lube is in the end table."

He listened as the bed creaked under Edd's weight. He could hear the nightstand drawer opening and, after a moment, the small grunts coming from Edd as he prepared himself for penetration. After that, there was silence on the other end until Edd let out a long moan as he penetrated his ass with a dildo.

After adjusting to its size, Edd replied with a feeble; "It-It's in."

"Good," Matthew started to speed up his strokes, "Now, I want you to turn it on to the highest setting."

Matthew nearly purred with contentment at the fact that he could hear the sound of the dildo whirring as it pulverized the inside of Edd's ass. Edd wailed at the sudden intrusion. Oh yeah. It wouldn't be long now. Matthew felt the familiar heat in his gut as he listened to Edd's moans. When Edd let out one more wail and cursed upon reaching completion, Matthew knew he couldn't hold back, especially not after hearing that come out of Edd's mouth.

With one last groan, Matthew enjoyed his own orgasm. He and Edd breathed heavily as they came down from their highs. He then heard the dildo stop whirling and a muffled plop when Edd pulled it out.

"Thanks, Princess," Matthew breathed, "You're the best."

"Uh…thanks…?" Edd grumbled uneasily as he tried to catch his breath. After a few moments, he asked, "Before you hang up the phone, can you tell me where your painkillers are?"

"Way to ruin the mood, Princess," Matthew joked, "Alright, I'll tell ya. They're in a metal box in my underwear drawer. I've got the good stuff too. The kind that'll knock you on your ass."

He could hear Edd sigh; "I suppose beggars can't be choosers. Thank you, Matthew."

"Just take one of them and you'll be fine," Matthew replied, shrugging off his concern, "I gotta take four of them in order to numb myself from my lower back pain."

Deciding to remain on the line, Matthew heard the blankets shuffle as Edd stood from the bed. He let his mind wander a bit as he listened to the footsteps and his dresser drawer being opened, followed by the metal box opening as well.

"Found it," Edd stated, bringing him back, "Thanks again, Matthew."

"Y'know, I think I finally figured it out," Matthew stated suddenly.

"You figured out what?" Edd asked, confused.

"I figured out what's wrong with my asshole friends," Matthew replied, "Just hit me. Seth's mom was punched in the stomach while she was pregnant and Lucas' babushka gave him vodka when he was three to shut him up."

"Good lord, did that really happen?" Edd asked in disbelief.

Matthew scoffed; "No, not really. Though, Lucas was a preemie cuz his idiot, diabetic mother couldn't stay away from sweets."

"I didn't know that…" Edd murmured, talking more to himself, "That reminds me of when I did volunteer work at the hospital in my senior year of high school. I worked in the maternity ward amongst some of the premature infants. The ones I saw there were rather adorable." He scoffs. "It's hard imagining Lucas ever being that cute, even as an infant."

"Can't argue with you there," Matthew shrugs before heaving a sigh, "Hate to cut this short, but I gotta get going. I'll call you tomorrow."

"Very well," Edd replied, "I appreciate you checking in. Have a good night, I guess."

"Yeah, yeah, have fun dreamin' about me, Princess," Matthew added, hanging up the phone before Edd could respond to that.

A/N: Happy Birthday, Scammychan