So yeah, chapter 39. Enjoy.
When Juuri woke up, she was met by a gigantic teddy bear, and what at first glance looked like a swarm of smaller stuffed animals.
"What…"
She contemplated the brown bear a moment, the time for her brain to wake up, before she realized that it shouldn't be here. Kaito didn't own any plushes anymore. She wondered briefly if maybe her sister had come in the room while she slept again, but Sakura was nowhere to be found. And on second thought, that didn't look like anything her siblings possessed either since they were here. She looked at the other animals on the bed and saw that they were three: a light pink rabbit that reminded her strongly of the one she had at home, a chubby panda, and a Totoro, all three of medium size. She picked up the last one and smiled. That was definitely Kaito's signature. He must have put them here while she was sleeping. But they looked new. Did he have the time to go buy them and return? How long had she been asleep? She decided to take a closer look at the brown bear and noticed that it was at least half her height. It was of a pleasant light brown and a thick red satin bow was tied around its neck. As she reached to touch the bow, a paper tucked between the shining fabric and the bear caught her attention. She delicately untucked it from the bow and turned it over. It read "I'm sorry" and had a kawaii bat drawn on it. She stared at it for a little while, touched by the attention and at the same time wondering why he had come with so many gifts. They were really cute, but she didn't need all that. And the brown bear was way too big for a baby. Furthermore, she didn't believe Kaito would have bought so much for a child he barely had acknowledged yet. That wasn't like him. It hadn't even been 24 hours since they had this conversation. Or well, she doubted she could have been sleeping for 24 hours in a row. As she grabbed one of the bear's paws in her hands, Kaito walked inside the room. He first seem surprised that Juuri was already awake, but then looked embarrassed and hurried to hide behind his back something he was carrying.
"Uhm… Hello…" said he and looked down nervously. "Have you been awake for a long time?"
Juuri shook her head.
"I just woke up. What's the meaning of this?" asked she and made a gesture towards the stuffed animals.
"I uhm thought… that you might like them, said he while scratching his neck nervously. "And I also… thought that they might look nice in a baby's bed…" added he in an embarrassed murmur.
"Oh." said Juuri, her gaze suddenly softening. "That's… really thoughtful of you… Thank you."
Both fell in an uneasy silence, not really sure how they should be acting towards each other
"Ehm… what are you hiding behind your back?" asked Juuri to break the tense atmosphere.
Kaito looked away awkwardly, wondering if this was really the right time to show it to her. Eventually, he slowly pulled it from behind his back and held it up before walking to her so she could read the title.
"It's parental advising books… Chikao gave them to me." said he hurriedly so she wouldn't believe he had bought them too. "There's one for you too." added he and reached it out to her.
Juuri received it with both hands and stared at the cover. It read "Becoming a mother in 100 steps: All you need to know before holding them" and depicted a baby playing with cubes. She stared at it for a while before raising a suspicious eyebrow at Kaito.
"Don't give me that look!" exclaimed he. "It's what Chikao bought, not my choice! He said we would need them more than him…"
"So… these are… their books?"
Kaito looked away in embarrassment.
"Yeah… Probably."
Juuri stared at the book a while more and turned it over to read through the description.
"It's quite odd that he kept them, no?" asked she when she was done.
"Yeah… He got rid of almost anything else that had to do with her..."
Both became quiet again as memories of the past year flooded them.
"So…" said Kaito uneasily and sat down on the bed. "Do… do you like them?" asked he and looked at the stuffed animals.
"Yeah. They're… really adorable." said she with a slight smile.
"I'm glad to hear it. Now." said he and took away the pink rabbit with a mischievous look. "Pick one."
Juuri looked at him questioningly before hesitantly taking Totoro into her arms. Kaito smirked.
"I knew you would choose this one. Then." began he and reached under the bed. "Let me give you our child's first present."
He pulled out a light green rectangular gift box and laid it before her. Still without a word, Juuri slowly undid the bow and lifted the lid, feeling a kind of anticipation taking place in her. Inside, she found an infant-sized Totoro one piece, with a hoodie that even adorned Totoro's ears. She put one hand over her mouth and couldn't hold back the happy grin that spread on her lips.
"My… You shouldn't have…"
"And that's not all." said Kaito.
He took out two other boxes and put them beside the first. Still smiling about the prospect of finding other cute objects, she opened them and found successively two one pieces, one looking like a panda and the other looking like the bunny Kaito still held. But this last outfit even came with a matching stuffed rabbit, though smaller than the first one. She picked it up and examined it before observing the one in Kaito's arms for a long time. After a long moment, she finally said, still looking at it:
"You didn't buy that bunny."
Still with a smile, he shook his head before giving it to her.
"It's your Usagin."*
"Did you go to my house just to pick it?" asked she in disbelief.
"Well… In fact, our parents went there last week to collect some of your belongings… But I did find them before you, so I thought I would make it a surprise for you… And then I forgot." admitted he with a nervous smile.
"Kaito…"
"You're not sad, are you?!" asked he with panic when he saw tears well up in her eyes.
"Thank you so much." sniffed she and threw herself at him.
Kaito was first surprised by the sudden action but wrapped his arms around her protectively and laid his head on hers reassuringly.
"I'm really sorry. I love you." whispered he against her ear. "And I promise to do my best from now on. I swear to take care of you and be a worthy father."
Following his lovesick little brother for an extended period of time had left Chikao quite exhausted. Not because smoking and lack of exercising lately had left him out of breath or anything, but because it reminded him too much of the romance he didn't have and all the cheesiness made him a little sick to his stomach. Who would have thought that your significant other dying would make you a little pessimistic? However, he patted himself on the back for managing to avoid starting a fight with Kaito. An accomplishment that felt like he had just been dodging speeding cars on the freeway in the middle of a rainstorm. Chikao never really felt mean when he compared his little brother to less than complimenting things because it felt way too accurate.
He stumbled into his room, closed the door and sat down on his bed. His thoughts were all over the place. He had recently discovered something about himself, but he still couldn't quite explain the reason behind it. The voice in his head got stronger and stronger, mostly when he was by himself. It became noticeably more bearable when he was surrounded by others, especially when Hiro was there because he seemed to have mastered the art of distraction by talking about absolutely nothing for the longest time. That was Chikao's theory at least… well that and a more obvious reason. However, the disadvantage of this was that he generally preferred to be alone nowadays. Did any of this sound healthy? No, not at all. Didn't mean Chikao was going to talk about this shit. People had enough drama on their hands, they didn't need this as well.
"That's what I've been saying all along."
It felt like he was losing his mind and he didn't recall going mental as one of the stages of grief. Maybe it wasn't just the grief, maybe it was a mix between the grief AND the guilt. The guilt came from the not so innocent feelings he started to have for a certain boy while the love of his life hadn't been dead for that long. He knew he still loved her and that she would hate to see him broken up about her forever, but letting someone else in felt like a betrayal. Maybe it had been more bearable if the new person was a girl, but no, life hated him so much that they added a identity crisis about his sexuality among everything else going on. He might never have had the same pressure of continuing the bloodline as his brother had, but it felt like liking a boy was pushing it… especially a boy with no beneficial ties that could benefit his family in any way whatsoever… and because it was Hiro; an impulsive little guy who couldn't live without a fight. Would that end up in him dying as well? Also, the fact that Hiro had also recently had a crush on a girl didn't help in the slightest. It felt like this attraction for the shorter male was just there to taunt him, but instead of disappearing it just became worse.
"What's really holding you back?"
That question caught him off guard. The voice preferred telling him things rather than asking him real questions. He remained quiet to hear what she had to say.
"I mean except for him not being a fag for you back. The people around you doesn't care, probably would rather have you alone and miserable so you don't impregnate a random girl and start drama… again. You liking a guy won't ever be convenient enough for them. Even if you fall for a girl in the future and manages to get a few children you won't be able to father properly because of your issues… you will always live with the fact that they will only accept you as long as you follow their rules. What are you even doing here? What do you even want to do in the future? You know except for that young boy without any pigment in his skin."
"It seems like you are influenced by him as well… because you know, he would bring up the sex thing just as much." commented Chikao and closed his eyes and groaned at the fact that he was literally talking to himself.
He buried his face in his hands and pressed his thumbs to his temples; a contradictory action because getting rid of a headache by putting pressure on the most sensitive parts of your head only made said sensitive parts hurt as well. But Chikao had lost the privilege of being logical as soon as he started to converse with a non existing voice.
Chikao lifted his head from his hands and looked down at his palms. He clenched and unclenched his fists, he pressed his fingers hard into his palms, but didn't dig his nails into the skin. He should probably not be alone right now, he knew that, but seeing anyone didn't sound very appealing. Anyone involved with the pregnancy drama would only talk about said drama and Chikao hadn't contacted his friends in so long that he was worried that it was too late to contact them now. Subconsciously he knew that was a stupid thing to think and it was only an excuse not to get over his cowardice and call his friends. He didn't want to bother anyone. The closest friends recently had been the midget and the giant, but he didn't feel like seeing them either. Why he didn't want to see Chiro was understandable; the boy could really be annoying to the point it almost felt like he was doing it on purpose. Even if Hiro also could be annoying, not wanting to see him was more related to another steamy dream he recently had about him.
"Ehm, I'm definitely not as influenced by him as you are."
"If this makes you uncomfortable, stay out of my dreams then." Chikao answered.
It became easier and easier to not give a fuck that the voice wasn't real. It was real enough. It was honest, but sometimes it was difficult to decide if it voiced his own thoughts or shaped them. Not that it mattered.
Suddenly, an intense pain erupted in his head. The feeling of a great pressure against his temples made him almost afraid that his head would explode.
"Wha… a."
The voice was cut off abruptly, almost like it was coming from a radio with a bad signal; filling his head with a painful static shock wave. Chikao couldn't help but imagine that Hiro would make some kind of joke about how he was so out of it that even the voice was spacing out. Chikao wouldn't actually take offence to that joke of course. Making light of a bad situation is sometimes necessary to keep a person sane, even if it might not be necessary as often as certain two idiots make it out to be. Sane might have been the wrong word to use; he doubted he would stop hearing a voice in his head if he started to make several jokes about it.
Chikao laid down and closed his eyes, but his rest was immediately interrupted by a soft knocking on the door.
"It's me." he heard Hiro say. "I think you have something that might belongs to me."
Chikao forced himself to sit up and replace the pained expression on his face into a grin as the door slowly opened, despite his growing headache (or migraine?).
"Oh yeah? I have?" Chikao answered, confused but yet a little amused.
However, It did disturb him how similar this scenario was to one of his more "heated" dreams he had experienced about the tiny albino. Hiro stepped into the room and interrupted his thoughts before they induced a unwanted bodily reaction.
"I'm not calling you a thief." Hiro said and closed the door behind him.
"Really? It did sound a little like it."
"Well I'm not calling you a thief unless you let Chiro hide my alcohol in your room and decided not to tell me." Hiro teased with just a little hint of seriousness like he was mostly joking but didn't didn't let any possibility get past him.
"I'm not surprised that the wine under my desk seems to belong to you." Chikao commented and Hiro smiled, thankful, and walked over to said desk.
Chikao looked away as he bent over to pick up the bottle, which earned him a confused expression when he didn't return his gaze before Hiro turned back to him again.
"Don't judge me." Hiro said (obviously misinterpreting Chikao's action). "I'm not looking to get drunk on the job again. I'm just a wine mom in the making."
"I can honestly say that I don't know what that means." Chikao said but decided not to ask what it meant. "But your drinking habit it concerning."
"Says the smoker."
"I'm a vampire so it doesn't affect me."
"Sure it does but not in a way that harms the body."
"What do you mean?"
"Well one of us is an addict and one of us is planning on having only two glasses of wine."
"Okay you win." Chikao said and Hiro grinned.
"I'm just used to drinking a glass while I eat but it feels weird doing it here when no one else does it." Hiro explained. "You are more of a blood and water sort of family."
"Dare I ask which age you started to drink with your food?" Chikao asked and Hiro just laughed as he left the room.
It left Chikao feeling even more lonely than before because even the voice had left him alone now, only leaving the static noise and headache behind. For some reason; he missed it. He couldn't quite explain why it felt kind of soothing. Maybe people on tv didn't become crazy from a voice in their heads because of fear, but because they started to really like the voice. Maybe that was a huge generalization; he was the only insane person he knew after all (Nanno didn't count, he was crazy in a whole other way). "Maybe this 'whole voice in my head thing' is part of my "gay (bi) awakening" Chikao thought jokingly. Him realizing his attraction for a guy wasn't that traumatic for him so it couldn't have triggered a psychosis. Still, it felt a little too much of a coincidence that the voice started around the time Hiro showed up… or did it start earlier? Chikao really couldn't remember; it already felt like the voice had been there forever.
Chikao laid down again. For how long could he go on like this? The hopeless romantic in him wanted to confess his feelings for the albino midget… and the last of his sanity want him to tell someone about the voice. He was constantly fighting two different thing; selfishly worrying about his own problems while his family was literally under attack from… well, from another part of his family because no matter how much he didn't want to think about it, the woman who was trying to get to them was still his mom… "This will be a interesting story to tell to my children in the future… that's strange, this is the first time I have actually let myself even think about getting children… stop that, that's selfish! I don't get to just try to "move on" this fast." Chikao heard a loud sound from the other side of the wall and leaned in closer. A loud shout of something akin to "You threw my wine bottle at the floor!" followed by "You were supposed to catch it!" Brought a small smile to his face. He didn't need to listen further to know that the first voice probably responded something not far away from "I'm not that short that you need to throw things down at the floor!" Maybe trying to move on would be a good thing? Even if it was with someone who would never reciprocate his feelings?
*Usagin: Contraction of "Usagi", japanese word for rabbit, and the suffix "-chan", often used when addressing girls and children for example.
Usa-chan sure sounds a lot better, but it felt too much like copying Ouran High School, so here you go. -L
