Thank you everyone for your reviews! They really do keep me going!
Then
January 2017
She was pregnant.
She knew it weeks before but she had been in denial. Every time she threw up. Every time her breast pinched or how much more difficult it became to get out of bed, she knew.
That night before David left for the Middle East. She was two bottles in. She wanted to try, pathetically, to save her marriage. The sex had gone straight to her head. It was the first time they'd been intimate since losing Dominic, they'd got caught up, and she was so sure she'd caught him at the time...
Her cries rang out in the room as he assaulted her g spot, moving with urgency, force and determination. She couldn't even begin to put into words what he was doing to her. The sheer essence of his love making took her breath away, and yet for the first time in a long time she felt like she could breathe. She felt alive. And loved. And fierce.
The security she felt knowing he was still able to love her like that, make love like that, kiss her like that, hold her like that…she knew no matter what they were going to be ok. They would survive their loss, and maybe find their way back to each other.
She flinched seeing the flashbacks of them together, tangled up with one another that night. How good it felt. How much she missed him and needed it. Her body recalling every detail that led to the current moment.
Robbins reached out and gave her wrist a squeeze pulling her out of that space, and Olivia was surprised to see tears in her doctors eyes. "Congratulations, Mrs. Haden." She heard her say with all the professionalism she could muster.
Arizona had been there through her pregnancy with Dominic and had been in the room when she delivered him, so it hadn't been surprising for her to be emotional, but it was awkward seeing as though she herself wasn't the least bit phased. Arizona was happy about the baby, she on the other hand was so upset she couldn't even swallow the water in her mouth. Those three words had been enough to paralyze her. And the image on the screen coupled with the barely there bump she'd been sporting and ignoring thrusted her into a space that was worlds away.
It was almost unbelievable. After all the partners she had after, when she actively tried to get pregnant, nothing would take until her incident after Elliot. Which left her scarred in so many ways. She thought for sure she was damaged goods and then she met David. And now they were on baby number two without hardly ever trying- Dominic was intentional but this baby…
She stared at the ghastly mass on the screen. She was closing in on three months so there was already a head and legs that she could see clear as day to go with the heart beat that had crowded the room.
"Olivia?" Robbins called out. "Are you alright?"
No. She wasn't. "I'm fine," she swallowed. "I just need a minute." She heard herself say as she sat up, effectively silencing the drum in the air.
She felt Arizona staring at her and felt how she knew right away that she hadn't planned for this baby. She tore her eyes away from the sonogram and folded it into the palm of her hand almost crinkling the photo, and cleared her throat while she handled her jacket.
"I'm going to need those prenatal vitamins again, won't I?" She said as if on autopilot.
"The sooner the better. Yes." Arizona told her, though it was obvious she was concerned for her. She extended a hand over hers. Their fingers clasped together and with that small act of kindness Olivia felt herself on the verge of a breakdown.
"This may not be happy news for you. And you have every right to feel the way that you do. Whatever your grieving process looks like, I know this is a big pill to swallow. It's only been a few short months since your loss. So I can't imagine what this must be like for you. But as your friend, I want you to know that no matter what I'm going to be here for you medically, every step of the way. But if this isn't the right time. And if you decide that maybe you're still not ready, you do have options. And we can discuss those whenever you're ready. "
Olivia closed her eyes and felt tears running down her cheeks hearing that word.
Options.
She knew all about those. And the last time she considered her "options" she regretted every moment. Swore she'd never do it again.
And yet she was finding it impossible to accept let alone acknowledge the new life inside her.
She was morbidly out of sorts about the whole thing, and for her it was extremely hard to accept the pregnancy. Instead of happiness or joy she was terrified and upset. Instead of attempting to bond with the new life she kept imagining her life without it. How much less anxious she'd be. How much better everything would seem. Now just wasn't the time for another baby. She needed to fix things with David first and finish grieving Dominic. Get to the bottom of who attacked her.
She wouldn't feel safe having another pregnancy until she caught the son of a bitch who almost killed her. A baby right now, in the middle of everything felt more like an omen than a blessing. She could barely preform at work let alone take on the extra hours it was going to take to pull herself together, support the cravings, the sleepless nights. Which if the dial turned any higher on that, she'd be diagnosed as an insomniac.
She just couldn't do it. There was no way.
She swiped at her eyes, hating herself for not wanting the pregnancy and hating herself for how careless she'd been. It was so hard to give into it, when at every turn she was triggered by what she already had and lost.
In a weird way she even felt guilty that it had happened in the first place. In so many ways, Dominic was still her baby and still her only priority. When the work day slowed down and the house got quiet, she still imagined him curled up to her side, sleeping, growing, filling her world with laughter and love. The existence of this new baby threatened all of that, and made her feel like she needed to get over and let go of him.
It put a lot of weight on her heart, and she wasn't sure how to navigate the new dynamic. Especially when things were still so unpredictable with David. Her husband would no doubt be shocked, but he'd quickly get on board to support them.
She imagined the loving coming back. The desire. How much more they'd talk to each other. Staying home after crawling out of the first trimester. He'd be all over her again, and she wasn't ready for that either. Watching him love a new baby when they were still trying and failing to grieve the first one together would destroy her.
She tugged at her upper lip with her teeth to keep it from shaking and swallowed. "How much-
Her stomach curled and she felt her head lighten and pinch at the base of her skull. The pain of it twisting so that she felt an immense state of pressure in the face.
"How much time do I have?" She asked softly.
"In a perfect world, two weeks but I know that's a lot to ask of you, but beyond that you should know it will get emotionally aggressive. I won't lie to you, it's won't be clean. Legally, you'll have some leg room for another 12 to 14, but by then things could get not only aggressive but complicated."
She huffed and shook her head imagining that conversation with David.
Arizona put a hand on her shoulder. "You don't have to make the decision right now. I'll need a couple days to make arrangements if you decide different. Whatever happens, I want you to have the best." She squeezed her hand again. "Go home, and when you're ready to talk you have my personal number."
Arizona's voice echoed in her head later when she rinsed her face in front of the sink at work, during her third run that morning.
She grabbed a brown paper towel and felt herself nauseate, suddenly too aware of her skin, and the extra weight she put on. Suddenly too consumed with the idea of running away from herself. Running away from the growing baseball in her gut. She discarded the towel in the trash and walked out, surprised to find Stone of all people waiting outside her office.
"Is this a bad time?" He asked her as she approached.
It was but she didn't even have the energy to answer a curt yes or no. She just opened the door to her office and closed it behind them, motioning for him to have a seat at her desk.
"Rough day?" He tilted his chin at her.
Observant as always, she could feel Stone's eyes heavy on her. In the weeks she spent without David, she honestly felt it to be comforting. She still did in some way. He exuded safety with her, and she missed him, but after that morning she was so hostile about everything
"Are you here about a case?…" She asked without looking at him. Her voice coarse from the vomiting and exhaustion.
He stared at her a short while, before crossing the room to pour a glass of water. "I am," he told her, as he placed the glass on her desk. "I reached out gently a few times over the last couple of weeks, but you never responded. I thought maybe it was because of what happened with Ted Randall. I never got the chance- you never let me apologize for making you uncomfortable."
She gave him her attention once she found her glasses scattered underneath a set of case files. "It's not that, I've just been really busy."
"Yeah, I can see that. You look like you haven't slept in days. Even your voice sounds tired." Her phone lit up, and she saw David's pet name flash up on her cell. "Are you going to get that?"
"Uh-no." She sent him to voicemail, and covered her cell with paperwork. She cleared her throat. "Tell me what this is about."
He sat down across from her. "Annabeth Pearl. The woman who shot her husband. He was a fellow police officer. I saw your name on her papers."
She shrugged. "I remember it. That was a domestic violence case."
"That's not what my team says," Stone frowned.
"In her statement at the time of arrest she testified that she'd been abused."
"Do you have those documents with you?"
Olivia nodded. "I'll have Fin make you a copy." She picked up her phone to dial him, "You're picking it up as the defense or the prosecutor?- Fin can you make Stone a copy of the Pearl statement…Thank you." She hung up, still waiting for an answer.
"Prosecutor." Her shoulders fell, showing she was at the very least disappointed by that answer. "Like I said, my team says otherwise. On a scale of 1-10 how bad is it?"
She considered him for a moment. "It'll be the grayest you've ever tried."
"And you think she's innocent?" Stone asked to clarify.
"I do." She stared at him watching the wheels in his head spin. They were going to be fighting this on opposite ends of the spectrum. And it was clear that he hadn't anticipated that. "How much time until it goes to trial?" She asked.
"If it were a normal case, I'd have at least three months to prepare, but the pressure to prosecute because he was a cop is unbelievable. He had a lot of important friends."
Olivia scrunched her lips. "So do I."
"If I call on you, will you testify?"
Unwillingly, she felt her throat constrict again and her gut start to shake. She swallowed carefully. "Why don't you take a look over everything first, and then we'll talk."
"Do you have time next week to swing by my office?"
She heard Arizona's voice in her head again. "No. That may not be a good time for me. We'll have to play it by ear."
"What about the week after?"
Olivia shrugged, partly because she was unable to see that far off into the future, and partly because she was annoyed he was being so aggressive about it.
"Stone, this really isn't a good time for me. I hate to say no, but these next couple of days I'm just really overwhelmed."
He leaned forward. "So I'm in the dark on this one? You can't even get a quick coffee with me? Please? I don't want to do this without you. If this is a big case, then work with me. Help me understand."
Her stomach lurched again, and she stood up in a last attempt to avoid another episode. "You'll be fine," she heard herself say. "I'm going to make sure you have everything you need."
Stone frowned, standing up to follow her. "Where are you going?"
She tilted her head at him, "To the bathroom. Do you mind?"
"You're not even going to talk to me?" Stone asked softly. She clenched her jaw seeing him get emotional, and forced herself to reel it in seeing that she was in all honesty hurting the man. "You pretended not to cry on my couch for two months, and now all of the sudden you've got nothing to say?" He searched her eyes.
"Stone," she begged quietly.
"We haven't spent time together since before Christmas, and now I'm begging you to help me with a case? What's going on?"
She exhaled, shoving the blank force beside her into the ground. "I just have a lot on my plate."
"I know it's none of my business but if he's making you feel like this, and you're still with him, you're setting one hell of an example," he told her fearlessly.
In two swift strides, she closed the gap between them. "You're right. It's none of your business, but since you've taken an interest, let me set the record straight for you."
"Yeah you do that." He bit back.
The energy he was giving in that moment was enough to make her head spin. But she stepped up to him all the same. Looked him in the eye unsure if she was taming a jealous lover, or calming down a concerned friend.
"You're wrong about him," she croaked, holding her hand firmly against his chest.
Stone shook his head. Trying and failing to hide the glare in his eyes. "You don't know that."
"Except I do. You're wrong about him and you're wrong about me." She shrugged. "He's my husband. I love him and nothing will ever change that. And this," she threw her hand gently to her side before pulling it back close to her heart. Letting him know that she was addressing her recent behavior. "This is all on me. It has nothing to do with David."
"Then tell me. Talk to me about what this is about. We promised we would be there for each other. You don't have to do everything on your own, Olivia."
"I-
The door knocked before Fin entered, shattering the moment. Her apprentice walked in and took one look at both of them before asking a very clearly, "Am I interrupting something?" The question was directed at Olivia, but he was staring at Stone for miles on end. Without making any sudden movements she turned her head away before walking back to her desk.
"No. The councilor was just leaving."
Stone scoffed and shook his head without so much as a look at her.
"Here are those statements you requested," Fin pressed the paperwork into Stone's chest firmly before holding the door open for him.
Olivia held her breath until she was certain that he was gone, and sank low back into her chair. Her hands were still shaking, and this time it wasn't because she desperately needed to dry heave in front of a toilet. This time it was because she allowed herself to get too close to Stone and now it was becoming a problem. Their fiery banter was still fresh in the air, and it was almost too obvious that he had gotten attached. She knew she crossed a line with him months ago with all the time they started spending together, but she hadn't seen his care for her coming out because she'd been so distracted with David and the suspicion that she was pregnant again. And now it would seem, as a result, he had grown far too close for professionalism. It was only a matter of time before his lack of discretion caught on to more than just Fin's radar.
Or worse, got in the way of a case.
Her phone rang again. David.
"Lieu?" Sonny knocked. "Amanda and I are getting ready to get started.
"Yeah. Thanks for the heads up Carisi."
She sent David to voicemail and stood to listen in on the squad's next interrogation.
In the back of her head, she knew she couldn't avoid him forever. That at some point that night she was going to have to go home and face him, but for the time being she didn't want to. Had no idea how she was going to even talk to him about the news. It didn't feel right keeping any of her thoughts a secret, but she knew she'd have hell to pay if he knew where she was headed. In effort, she spent most of the day trying to find the words to explain it to him, but then seven rolled around. Then eight. And nine. And Ten.
And she still wasn't any more prepared to talk than she had been after her appointment that morning. But by the time she pulled up outside of the house she was at least exhausted enough not to think. She sent a prayer of thanks as she approached the door, seeing most of the lights were off. Best case scenario, David was already sleeping and wouldn't be up to confront her.
She imagined walking upstairs, taking a shower, slipping quietly into bed next to him. Desperate to put the day behind her. But as she opened the door she quickly learned that was easier said than done.
"I'm starting to worry again. We haven't spoken all day. You're sure she was escorted to her car?" She heard David say as she walked in. "Right. I'm sorry to have disturbed you. She's just walked in….Thanks Fin." He hung up the phone staring at her like she'd just slapped him in the face.
"Where the fuck have you been?" He seethed.
She swallowed carefully and closed the door quietly behind her. "I was at work."
She felt him cross the room to scold her even more. "I've been calling you all day. You had me worried sick."
"David please ok, I have a lot on my mind, and I'm not in the mood."
He stood by silently watching her take off her coat until he scoffed gently, and a small manic smile crossed his face. "So what? After what happened you can't afford me the decency to let me know you're alright?" He lowered his voice but he was still pissed.
She turned around to face him. "Oh? The way you check in with me when you've jet packed half way across the world for weeks on end."
"I'm at work, Olivia. You think I enjoy keeping a distance from you? I do it because I can't think when I'm around you. And even then, I still shoot you a text. Liv, I'm ok. Liv, how are you doing? Liv, I love you." He threw his hands in the air, looking for an explanation. "What? Suddenly I'm not good enough for that?"
She shrugged, exhausted by the heat of the conversation. "Don't make this about you. It has nothing to do with you. I'm tired alright, I just want to take a shower and go to bed. I don't want to fight."
She left him in the foyer, taking the stairs two by two until she reached their bedroom. Like she knew it would, the shower was waiting for her, beckoning her in like an old friend and she couldn't wait to wash day off. While she still could, she turned the water on, and peeled off her clothes, same as she always did, but one glimpse in the mirror seemed to freeze her in time.
She examined the curve that was trying if anything to make itself seen, only this time she couldn't ignore it. Or the gray shapes she'd seen on the monitor that morning. To look at herself, she still couldn't believe it. How one night. Just one, had sent her spiraling down the same path she'd fallen into less than a year ago. What was worse, her feelings still hadn't changed on what she wanted to do. Seeing David not five minutes ago, hadn't changed her mind. Standing in the middle of her bathroom, forcing herself to feel feelings that weren't there hadn't changed her mind either.
It was a shit situation, and she was terrified every moment the pregnancy went on because she knew she wasn't equipped to protect it from the outside world. She wasn't even equipped to protect it from herself. She was this baby's biggest threat, and that hurt her even more. She wiped her eyes as the steam started to cloud the image, and got in the shower. Cringing as the water hit her hard in the gut. She'd dissociated so hard from the pregnancy all day, that the slightest direct touch had nearly paralyzed her.
She turned her back to the water and started to scrub. Started to weigh the pros and cons.
Pros; Despite the timing, she and David still wanted a family together. The baby was healthy. She was fast approaching the end of her first trimester. She didn't have to do anything to prepare. Even if she was having hard feelings this baby already had a family on standby ready to give it so much love.
Cons: She still didn't know the first thing about who attacked her. If he was close or if he was far away. What he wanted or why he did it. She had extreme feelings of resentment, and she was terrified of impairing the first few months or years of this child's life because she couldn't emotionally get on board. She knew in her heart, that there was a big possibility she'd feel different once she held him or her in her arms but she would still struggle with having to love another baby that wasn't Dominic. Figuring out that balance of moving on and not letting go, she couldn't seem to envision. Then of course, she had the fear that still paralyzed her from her attack. It was highly unlikely she'd ever experience that again, but with the son of a bitch still out there, who's stay he wasn't watching her. That this pregnancy wouldn't trigger him again? That he wouldn't escalate and kill her the next time? Or worse, go after David? Then there were the other fears. The ones that had nothing to do with being a cop or a survivor. The ones that stemmed simply from being a mother who experienced loss. Even though she didn't want the baby, and everything felt like she was falling through on a landslide with absolutely no control, even though she was confused, had feelings of guilt and despair, and anger. There was something inside her that cared. And she was afraid that if she allowed herself to care too much, and something happened again. If she experienced another loss that was out of her control, she wouldn't come back. How could she? How would she explain it? And would her marriage survive it? Would she?
So it was better, she thought as she scrubbed her legs. It would be better if she took things into her own hands and stopped it while she still could.
She squeezed out the rag and carefully dragged it over her stomach. Her hand stilling as it reached the spot underneath her navel.
She flinched hard against the water as another hand covered hers and sheltered her from the heat. She fought with him at first but he was stronger than her. And he took all of her anguish as he reach for the nozzle to turn the water off, holding her flush against him.
"Let me go," she told him.
But he wouldn't. She felt him kiss the side of her forehead, instead. Trying and expertly penetrating the guard she'd built up around her. But that just pissed her off even more, so she resorted to her self defense training and twisted his wrist until he was forced to release her.
He made a sound because she'd hurt him, but it was faint. And looking into his eyes in that moment it became so evident and so clear that he would stand there all night, and let her hurt him even more if that's what she wanted. If that's what she needed. He would take all the bullets for her. All the pain away if he could. And suddenly all the fighting she was doing with him was exhausting.
Her chest became heavier, in that deep seated way before a person's about to cry. And lord have mercy, did she ever. She cried so hard, her body physically started to shake. And David just held her. The whole time. He just held her.
