Elise
Her Mortality
You don't want to die, Elise. You're just scared. And once you're changed, you can go after Damon and whoever else that wronged you.
I dug my fingers deeper into the soft pillow. Sleep wouldn't come. My mind was racing a mile a minute, deciphering the information Jasper shoved into it. I was in danger. No, I was always in danger. But now it wasn't just Damon. Would the Cullens kill me? Was it all just an elaborate ruse? These were questions that I asked myself daily, but now I was incredibly uncertain.
Jasper had openly told me that I had to die.
I sighed heavily. And I had basically asked him to kill me right then. So much for you being suicidal, Adams. If I was going to die after all this time, and it wasn't even Damon doing the actual killing, what was the point? Just take me now and get it over with.
You can go after Damon and whoever else that wronged you.
What a dream. What a crazy, beautiful, fantasy. I sat up and looked out the window and into the deep sky. If they changed me, could I do it? Could I end the one creature who stole my future?
I held my head in my hands. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to live in a world where vampires existed. I certainly didn't want to be one of them. I wanted normal. And I would fight for normal. And once Damon got what he wanted, I could have it. Nothing else would matter.
That's the beauty of immortality. More like immorality. There was nothing beautiful about these creatures. In fact, once all of this was over, I wanted to move as close to the equator as it got. Fun and sun were both things you could never associate with a vampire, and if that's what it took… ladies and gentleman, I am moving to Brazil.
I rolled over to the side of the bed and dug around for my phone. My teeth chewed absently at my lower lip as I read the cold, robotic text I had received for the evening.
Status.
I sighed. The Cullens had figured out the Jovu's existence quickly, which intrigued me. They were a resourceful coven with their allies, but they were independent enough to live in isolation.
My fingers moved slowly. They know about the Jovu.
I never expected a reply, but I got one a minute later. What about me?
My lip endured a harder bite. The truth was that the Cullens didn't know about Damon. But Jasper did. And if the picture that the Cullens painted of themselves were true, Jasper didn't belong with them. Not one bit. And for some reason, it made it okay to lie. Because it wasn't a lie. Jasper wasn't a part of the Cullens. Not in mind.
No. I responded. And it felt good.
The Move to Idaho
I was stuck in the backseat in Carlisle and Esme's vehicle. Technically, I had made the silent decision to join them instead of any car Jasper resided in. I needed time away from him to think. And after the stunt I pulled yesterday, I wasn't sure what he thought of me. A weak, pathetic human who wished desperately to be killed? An ignorant girl who knew nothing about immortality and dismissed the possibility without consideration? Teach me, I thought. Teach me, damn it.
The car ride was long, and I felt a twinge of awkwardness every time I had to ask for bathroom break. They treated my requests with immediate attention and provided quick resolution. If they were annoyed by the gas station stops, they did a grand job of hiding it.
"How are you adjusting, Elise?" Carlisle met my gaze through the rear-view mirror.
I threw him a small smile. "Pretty good, thanks."
"No, thank you," Esme said gently. "We appreciate your patience with us as we investigate this case."
I released a heavy sigh. "I'm just happy that I'm out of there."
"We bet," Carlisle's eyebrows knitted together. "We're glad that we can help."
"You're safe with us." Esme reached back and patted my lap like a loving mother would. My eyes fixated on her pale hand, then they darted to the window. This was odd. How could a vampire preserve this much humanity? It was beautiful. Why couldn't they all be this way?
Esme's remark about my safety should have made me feel better had it not been for my conversation with Jasper. His adamant words regarding my change stuck with me and they held on. I couldn't shake off the feeling that this family image was a sham. That Carlisle and Esme were going to take the next exit, pull into the nearest woods, and start biting me. I shivered slightly.
"Cold?" Carlisle asked.
I nodded slowly. He turned on the heater.
My hands absently played with the smooth leather texture of the backpack they had given me for my items. I didn't have much, but they suggested that I pack any toiletries with me from the guest bedroom. The phone that tied me to Damon was stuck underneath all of that.
The soft hum of the radio drew me into my own mind. Humans don't have the capacity to control the chemicals in their brain as much as we can. If you choose to forget, you can forget. Was that really true? Could I exercise selective memory? Could I forget the insanity in the white rooms? The screams of the subjects? The agony of the humans around me when they realized that there was no turning back? That this was their permanent reality? Could I decompartmentalize my brain and still be sane enough to live a lucrative life?
Then again, it could be different. I had survived the Jovu. Damon made sure of that. He was my final obstacle to my freedom. My definition of freedom remained in terms of my humanity. Could that change? Could I accept immortality and take my fate into my own hands? I gripped the backpack tighter, mentally wanting to crush the phone and end it all. I was a puppet and the master that pulled my strings promised me freedom if I fulfilled his task. But if the strings fell limp, anyone had the power to grab them before me. Anyone with sharp teeth and a poorly managed diet of blood.
I chewed on my lip, which grew increasingly chapped the colder it got. My thoughts raced and my heart pumped. Vampirism was always a possibility. If I wanted to control my own strings, vampirism was the only option.
"How are you doing back there?" Carlisle asked.
Great thanks, dad. Just having an existential crisis.
"I'm good," I got out. "How much longer?"
"An hour max."
I rested my head against the window. There was a lot to think about.
Elise's Deal
Jasper took me out on a walk as the sun began to set. He had me tour the foundations of the new house that the Cullens were building. And while that was cool, I wanted to talk to him about my proposition.
If you promise to answer my questions to the best of your ability and provide me with enough information to make an informed decision on my circumstances, I will consider changing for the Cullens.
Yes. I needed information. If I was going to make a decision about immortality, I needed answers to any and all questions. This couldn't be an impulsive decision. I needed to know what I was getting into and if I would be okay going through with it.
"You never gave me answer," I pressed. We walked side by side on a green pathway.
He examined me closely before responding. "You act like you have a choice. Your deal means nothing to me."
The air from my lungs left in record time. I felt like I had been punched in the gut, and Jasper didn't stop. His punches turned into kicks, and he pulled out a knife with the words he spoke.
"You don't realize how good you have it for a human in your position. Ending up with the Cullens was one of the best things to happen to you. Now, you'll be good, and you will repay the Cullens for their hospitality. No one else would have treated you with the generosity they have shown you." He stopped in front of me. "There is no deal because you have no other choice."
The Cullens did expect something in return. But I hadn't asked for them to investigate the Jovu. They had offered. Angry tears filled my eyes, but I blinked them away. They wanted me to die. They were just too nice to say it.
But their messenger was anything but nice. "After the house is built, I suggest we begin arrangements. You'll have a room comfortably to yourself to complete your transformation."
Unbelievable.
"Say something."
No. I wouldn't die for Damon. I wouldn't die for the Cullens. I would die for me. "It will happen on my terms, if it even happens."
He went onto be the asshole I was discovering he was. "You've been dealt your hand, and now you learn to deal with it."
Why did I have to listen to this man? "Did the Cullens just decide that you were my main point of contact in this negotiation?"
His head shook in frustration. "It's not a negotiation. The Cullens know nothing."
Hold up. "Nothing? I thought you would have had this discussion with them."
"Nothing leaves between us. We've agreed on this."
That meant the Cullens didn't know about Damon. They didn't know about my proposal. They didn't know that I had considered immortality as a way out.
"I need to talk to them."
His touch was unexpected, and my body froze instantaneously. "Nothing leaves between us."
My eyes trailed down to his hand on my arm. His grip was hard, and if he held on any longer, it would bruise. He either didn't know his own strength, or he was outright threatening me.
"I know," I said softly. "This isn't about you. You're inherently selfish, and you project what you want onto your actions. I need to know how they feel about killing me."
His hand was gone, hanging loosely by his side. It looked like he didn't know what to do with it, so it dangled freely. "They feel the same way. Empath."
How could he know that? He hadn't even told them. "I don't trust you."
He crossed his arms. His tone was arrogant, if put lightly. "The Cullens are the masters of selfish. They're scared of consequences and they want you dead to protect their family. They've survived this long at the expense of each other."
The picture Jasper painted was incongruous. The colors were mismatched, the textures differed on the quadrants of the canvas, and whatever was framed looked more like spit than a masterpiece. He was trying to sell me spit.
In his perspective, the Cullens were just the usual selfish beings who only used each other for one common goal: survival. He spoke with distaste as he described Carlisle's decisions to turn each member of the family. Jasper's pessimism was odd. Sure, people banded together for protection, but feelings of connection, respect, and love developed from those bindings. It was called family.
My perspective annoyed him. He didn't like being challenged, and it was probably not in my business to do so. But I wanted to. I needed to. He gave away information about the Cullens openly and without constraint, and pushing him this way made him talk.
In a way, this arrangement was beneficial to both of my dilemmas. In Damon's case, I could probe Jasper regarding his family. In my case, Jasper's insights into the vampiric world would give me a solid idea of a life I had never considered the possibility of.
Jasper's eyes were closed, and a hand came up to stop me. My mouth liked to babble, and it was getting to him.
"Isn't it basically your job to be in tune with your emotions?" I asked.
He regarded me coolly. "I am very much in tune with mine. Yours is another story."
Ding, ding, ding. I needed him to say it. "When we were playing in your cabin, you said you couldn't feel me. Tell me more."
He crossed his arms. "Your feelings are hard to decipher."
I smiled. "And that means?"
"You disappoint me. I thought you were at least a little above average in your intelligence."
Always with the jabs. My smile grew wider. "I just wanted to hear you say that your gift didn't work on me."
He clapped mockingly. "Are you satisfied?"
"Quite," I quipped. "I knew I was a shield, but I never knew its extent." Which was partially the truth. I knew Damon wanted me for my shield, and he wouldn't have planted me in a house of gifted vampires if he knew I'd be exposed the moment the mind reader infiltrated my thoughts. My worth was equated through my shield, and I would always cherish it as the reason for my survival. Without it, Damon would've snapped me like a twig long ago.
After popping two pills into my mouth, I examined Jasper through the corner of my eye. He was reserved, rigid. Reluctant? Restless. I couldn't think of any more R-adjectives.
I had annoyed him, and that should've scared me. "Stop acting so frustrated," I said instead. "I'm the one that's signing her death sentence."
His lips curled. "Signed. You've signed it and you're continuing to dig your own grave."
I asked him about death and dying. He had nothing to say but cruel embellishments. "The feeling of a human dying is euphoric, Elise. I've made this clear during out play date in my cabin."
The cabin experience had been an interesting one, and I had learned so much from Jasper in such a small amount of time. His perspective of the Cullens was telling, and something was bound to come out through his negative stance of their lifestyle. Could this be it? Was Jasper the key to all of my discoveries?
I inquired about his cabins. He told me that the closest one was located in Montana.
"The cabin would be a three-hour car ride," he eyed me curiously. "Maybe another time."
That possibility was good enough for me. My curiosity persisted, and so I asked about the state of his victims. Would I step into the cabin to blood dripping from the ceiling? Were there dead girls buried in the backyard? Did I ever want to shine a black light in the kitchen?
I pushed forward when he dismissed my question. Personal was always better. "Would you kill me in your cabin, or would I be dead before I reached the kitchen table?"
He paused, a slight smile forming on his lips. It made me think he wasn't serious with what he said next, but you could never be too sure. "It could go either way. If you suddenly learned to stop talking, I could probably be okay taking you to the cabin and showing you around before taking a bite. If I couldn't get you to shut up, I'd drain as much of your blood as I could do induce consciousness, and then you'd be chained to a wall for a couple of weeks as I withdrew blood. I have to maintain my eye color, as you know."
Decide. Plan. Execute. He lived two lives with those three basic steps. His eyes were never quite identical to the rest, but they weren't anything close to a bright red, which seemed good enough for him. And it didn't seem like the Cullens were complaining about it. I wondered what lie he must have told them for the unusual tone of his eye color.
His gaze was challenging. He had just planned out my death in the most blasé tone I had ever heard.
"You can't drain me, though," I stared back. "That would defeat the purpose."
"Once a vampire starts, it's one of the hardest things to stop."
Vampires, too, were challenged by adversity: themselves. It made me feel better about being human. "You all walk around like some high and mighty beings but your impulse control is just as bad as ours. I thought you had full control of your minds."
He chuckled. "If we had full control of our minds, the world wouldn't be chaos. We retain some human attributes as we change. No one can tell which of your human traits you'll carry over, but your personality as a human can very well reflect your ability as a vampire. Carlisle owes it to his human counterpart for his patience and control. I, unfortunately, cannot say the same."
No. He couldn't. This man was anything but patient. At least, that was the Jasper I had met recently. The one who took what he wanted and lied through the rest. But the fact that he was here with me was contradictory to all of this mess. Either I was his next victim, or he enjoyed my company enough to indulge me. Bella had sworn it was the latter with her experiences with vampires.
Look how that turned out for her.
A/N: Elise is effectively trying to hit two birds with one stone. Getting information for both Damon and herself will prove valuable if she's successful. She's still increasingly skeptical about the Cullens, but she seems more comfortable around Jasper. Could this be because he's shown her the side of vampirism that she constantly expects from every vampire?
Thank you for reading, all. Thank you, also, to my guest reviewers. I'm sorry that I can't respond directly to you.
