Closer by Jay Warren (Restless Modern Remix)
Brittany's POV
She's standing in front of the bed, staring down at the packed duffle bag on it. Everything is ready.
Her bag, her working clothes, her truck waiting outside.
Everything is ready to be left behind for a month. Or so.
She doesn't know for how long exactly she's going to stay at aunt Kathrin's ranch. When they talked on the phone last week to settle some details, her aunt said that Brittany can stay as long as she wants. They're thankful for all the help they can get, no matter how long.
In the meantime Brittany informed all her clients to let them know that she's taking some time off from her business and that she will be back. She needs to do this…
Everything is ready. Everything except for one thing. There's just one thing she has to do before she's going to leave.
She only has to say goodbye to Santana.
That's the only thing.
She turns around to take a look at the blue painting hanging on the bedroom wall. She has gotten so used to it being there. It made her bedroom become Santana's bedroom, too.
They've slept in it together for several weeks. Shared the bed, shared the small wardrobe. Now it's going to be Santana's alone for a while.
Brittany doesn't know what to think about it.
In fact she has been pushing all kinds of thoughts about their future aside ever since she told aunt Kathrin that she's coming.
All she knows is that she's going to work on the ranch for the upcoming weeks, hundreds of miles away from here because she wanted to.
She still does. She wants to help aunt Kathrin. It's something she's been wanting to do for a long time.
With a small sigh Brittany lifts the bag off the bed and carries it into the living room where Santana is already waiting.
She's smiling at Brittany encouragingly. It's what she's been doing for the past couple days ever since it became clear that Brittany is definitely leaving for Arizona.
Santana's been nothing but supportive of her decision. It makes Brittany feel like it's the right thing to do. It makes her not feel bad about following her own wish.
At the same time though, it makes Brittany feel a new thing.
The feeling of letting go.
It's been the other way around all this time. It's been Brittany running away from things, from people who might have been interested in her.
This time she's leaving, too but it feels different.
"Need a hand with that?" Santana suggests when she points at Brittany's bag.
Brittany returns the smile, not sure if it's working convincingly before she nods and watches how Santana takes the bag from her.
The brunette then opens the door to step outside. Brittany feels an urge to call Santana back inside and say that she has changed her mind. That they should celebrate because she's staying.
When she hears Santana's footsteps in the hallway Brittany shakes her head at her thoughts.
It's time to do this.
Once she has put the bag into the back of the truck, her hands feel extremely empty.
Not just her hands.
Santana is standing there on the pavement with her arms crossed in front of her chest.
The evening sun behind Brittany is enlightening Santana's face, blinding her a little bit so she has to narrow her eyes.
How do you say goodbye to the person you've spent all your time with when you don't want to say goodbye in the first place?
Santana looks achingly beautiful today.
The way they're standing in front of each other with a certain distance between them almost makes Brittany feel like they're going back in time. For a moment it feels like they're strangers again.
Except they made love late last night, only hours ago.
Except Brittany saw a teardrop rolling down Santana's cheek when they held each other so close.
Except they woke up arm in arm the next morning. Brittany had never felt so safe before.
Standing here reminds her of how everything began.
Saying goodbye has never been something they're especially good at.
"Drive safely, ok? It's a long ride…" Santana speaks up after a silent exchange of looks.
"Of course" Brittany mutters. She thinks of something to say. "I really meant it when I said that you can stay in the apartment as long as you want. I know you've been searching the internet for possibilities but… just so you know."
Santana nods with a careful smile.
"Thank you. For everything."
Brittany shakes her head because that's not why she said it. She just said it because she doesn't know what else to say although there are a hundred thousand things on her mind.
"You look like there's something you want to say." Santana whispers after another couple seconds that feel like hours.
Brittany feels busted. She swallows painfully when she looks at the brunette's face.
She thought she had learned it in the meantime. She really thought she learned how to do it.
To speak what's on her mind.
Vocalize the feelings inside her chest.
It turns out she has never been worse at it than now.
Only this time she can explain it to herself. The truth is; she's scared that Santana will realize how she's better off without her.
Once she's gone it'll all become real. The reasons why she ran away to Arizona the first time. She ran away because it had been too much. To leave behind. To numb the feelings.
But this time it's going to be the other way around. Brittany isn't leaving Santana. Santana is letting Brittany go willingly.
And it's good for her. Brittany being far away is good for Santana because she needs to move on with her life. It scares Brittany. There's a possibility Santana will realize how her life is better this way.
Brittany shakes her head. She has to say things. All kinds of things.
"I…" She begins but trails off. Why does her throat hurt so bad right now? She can't even swallow.
Santana reaches out a hand to take Brittany's.
"These past couple weeks have been the most amazing ones in my life, Brittany." Santana's voice sounds a little closer since she made a step towards her. "The hardest ones but the best ones. You helped me so much and it made us grow incredibly close. I'm afraid that I'll never be able to pay you back."
Again Brittany shakes her head because she wants Santana to stop thanking her. She did all of it willingly. And so happily.
"I honestly just want to thank you. For everything. For coming into my life… making it pretty damn amazing." Santana's voice cracks when she glances to the ground.
Her dark eyes are holding back tears, too when she looks up into Brittany's face.
"Do you know when I feel safest?" Santana asks with a whisper. Brittany hardly shakes her head.
"When is that?" She rasps.
Santana lets go of Brittany's hand but steps even closer.
"When you wrap your arms around me tightly so I can hardly move." She admits with a small laugh.
Brittany can't help but smile when she lifts her arms automatically to wrap them around the smaller woman's upper body.
Santana leans against her with a content sigh. Her arms find a way around Brittany's middle, too.
"Yeah" Santana whispers. "Exactly like that."
Brittany breathes in the scent of Santana's hair. This is one of her favorite positions, too. To just hold her and feel their heartbeats against each other.
"I'm scared you will want me to stay there." Brittany finally manages to press through her lips. She closes her eyes and senses how Santana looks up at her.
"What do you mean?" She wonders.
Brittany shrugs with Santana still in her arms.
"Because you will realize how you deserve better. Someone who is capable to provide all the things that make a great partner. Someone who can lay their feelings all out there without hesitation. I still feel so stupid for not telling you things. How hard can it be? I l-"
"Brittany you don't have to say anything."
Taken aback Brittany's mouth closes. Was she just going to say I love you to Santana and got stopped by her?
"You don't have to say things just because you're scared that it'll be too late otherwise. I don't want us to say things and then forget about them once there's a distance between us. The time will come where you and I are going to be with each other and it's going to be just right. I mean… if you still want to. But you don't have to worry about anything right now. I'll take care of things here and you will have time to really help your aunt. One step at a time, right?"
Brittany nods slowly. She looks into Santana's eyes before leaning in and pressing a warm kiss to her forehead. Her throat still hurts but maybe a tiny little less.
Santana's probably right. She's going to drive hundreds of miles away and the phone reception is going to be so bad. They won't be able to talk every day.
She trusts Santana and hopefully Santana trusts her, too by now. If it's meant to be, it'll be enough until they see each other again.
But their lips seem to think otherwise when they find each other for a kiss that is warm and hot and a little bit salty. A little soothing but also a little desperate for something. For the promise that the other won't find someone new in the meantime. For the assurance that things will still be the same when they hold each other next time. Because of the kiss they don't have to say it out lout.
Because of the way Santana's hands hold on to Brittany she knows.
They will find a way.
On the highway she almost changes her mind. She almost takes the first exit to go back to Santana, back home.
She has to force herself to stay on the route. She keeps throwing glances to her phone on the passenger's seat. If Santana calls, she's going to turn around right away.
But she doesn't. The phone stays quiet and Brittany knows that both of them are moving on. Whatever that means, however positive it can be.
They are moving on.
Santana's POV
When the apartment door closes behind her the quietness settles down on her faster than she expected.
She expected to still sense Brittany's presence because she's surrounded by her belongings, her scent.
Santana shivers at a blast of air coming through the open window. It's hot outside but it still makes her tremble.
She huffs at the way she instantly feels alone.
"Don't be such a baby" She scolds herself in the empty living room.
When she steps into the bedroom to make the bed, she almost believes that it's working. But then the scent of their sheets fills her nose. It reaches her brain and draws her right back into bed where the two of them had been until hours ago.
She grabs the blanket and pulls it up to her nose so she can get a full dose.
Her phone is on the nightstand table. The screen dark and unrequested.
She pulls the blanket over her head, trying to absorb all of the warmth that she imagines to still be there.
Did Brittany try to say that she's in love with Santana and Santana stopped her? Why did she do that? Brittany can say and do whatever she wants.
Didn't Santana always want for Brittany to speak up? And now that she wanted to, Santana stopped her from doing so?
But if Brittany had said the words then Santana wouldn't have been able to let her go. You don't let the person you know is in love with you go and leave the state. You don't let her go live somewhere else where she's going to be surrounded by good looking tourists and workers and God knows who.
She knows she has to let Brittany go in order for both of them to do what they need to be doing right now. Things on their own. It'll make them grow so they can eventually start something that is even stronger than what they have now.
But does life really play out like that?
Does it follow the stupid little plans you make when you feel like you're in charge? Or will Brittany come back with a cowgirl by her side? Or worse… will she want to stay there? Or worse worse… will she come home and go back to being most comfortable when single?
Will they run into each other from time to time and get reminded of what they could have been? Like at The Surface… well, Santana won't go there anymore. There's no way in hell she'll watch Brittany flirt with other women. Or watch how she leaves with one of them.
The thought almost makes Santana want to throw up. She pictures Brittany smiling at a girl at the bar, playing with her hair. She pictures the two of them not paying attention to anyone else in the room.
She'll have to tell Kurt to not hang out for a while. Because he'll always talk about Dom and that'll lead into talking about Brittany. How she apparently met a new girl and somehow – magically – Brittany is suddenly into relationships with anyone.
Santana opened up that world to her.
The worst that could happen is how she'll have to watch Brittany starting a real relationship with someone else.
She clenches the corner of the blanket and hides her face in the pillow.
What if she was just someone to help Brittany finding joy in more than just hooking up? Maybe she was just a station. Brittany will come back being the version she had tried to be for Santana.
But...
Brittany is already the perfect version. Santana didn't fall in love with the idea of who Brittany could be. She fell in love with exactly who she is.
With a sigh Santana turns onto her back. She gazes at the ceiling.
Why is she even worrying about all of this? She just let Brittany go, telling her that the time will come where they are going to be with each other for real.
Maybe she should start with believing herself and trusting what they have built.
When her hand reaches over to Brittany's side of the bed to grab her pillow, she senses something that's not usually there.
She turns her head to find a folded piece of paper under Brittany's pillow.
With her heartrate speeding up instantly, Santana opens the note to read the words written in Brittany's beautiful handwriting.
I wore the shirt last night and hope it'll make you feel like I'm right next to you.
Wish this note could replace the last one I left you…
I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.
Santana lifts the pillow to find Brittany's folded shirt. She grins when she takes it to cover her nose and takes a breath.
Wonderful…
She could fall asleep to this. But she's going to stay up for the next six hours to make sure she's awake all the time until Brittany reaches her destination. She promised Santana to send a text message at the last gas station where she'll still have proper reception before reaching the ranch.
With a sigh Santana puts the shirt back under the pillow to make sure it won't lose the smell. Then she pushes herself off the mattress.
She grabs her computer and heads back to the living room to do some work. It's what always keeps her mind busy. Hopefully it'll also work today…
