Chapter 50.
Cas spent some time thinking about the events at Bobby's, which was the most comfortable way of thinking of the strange space between their minds that they had created together. The most important thing was that Dean had not tried to push him away. Rather, he had tried to avoid any interaction with the child version of himself. Dean had seen the fog as almost a besieging force from his own mind. This time, there had been no indication that Dean hated the link with Cas.
In the same way, most of Dean's negative emotions had been kept at bay. Only the child and a small flash of guilt had come through. Cas was not sure which of them had brought the child into existence, but he suspected it was Dean.
Perhaps some part of Dean's mind had seen a chance to address a pain that had been buried for so long. All the grief and trauma that a loving child had hidden so it could not hurt his father or brother. That was the first time Dean had sacrificed himself for those he loved, the act so natural to him that he needed no concept of sacrifice to make it the obvious choice. His pain mattered to him less than theirs.
However the child's appearance in that bizarre place had not only helped Dean. From the moment he had seem the movement by the car, Cas had felt drawn to him. His vulnerability had summoned forth Cas's nurturing instincts, if an angel could be said to have instincts. Nothing had felt so right and so natural as holding the heartbroken child and soothing his distress, a privilege the grown version, with all his layers of armour, rarely granted him.
He had needed to show love and kindness to the child and he hoped that Dean had been able to accept a little of it for himself. It was, after all, safe, distant and deniable, all of Dean's favourite kinds of affection.
Best of all, of course, had been that moment when Dean had shown some kindness to himself. Adult Dean had finally stopped snapping at the kid and offered him some understanding and love and Little Dean had wiped away the tears of his older self, trying to comfort him with words he remembered from his mother.
It had been a beautiful thing to witness, a healing moment. Dean had rejected the easy path of anger and self-loathing and had been able to see the innocence and goodness of the child, of himself. In that brief, loving embrace, he had embraced a part of himself he had been rejecting for years, the part he saw as weak and needy. There had finally been some acceptance of the fact that he was human and had the same needs as everyone else Then that broken part of him that he had been trying to hide from had accepted him too, the hard-shelled BS merchant who repeatedly trampled his own heart for daring to feel.
Cas wondered which Dean would come back from the bathroom, the one who had hugged the child or the one who had said the boy needed to man up.
That had hurt Cas, seeing the hatred Dean aimed at the blameless child he had been. Dean, who had compassion for the base and corrupted, not letting himself feel anything but contempt for the one person he should have loved and understood. "Sammy will die in your arms." had been especially cruel.
The worst part had been knowing, without a whisper of doubt, that the scene he had witnessed was not a one-off reaction to the shock of seeing his former self, but part of an inner exchange that had been going on, unwitnessed, for decades.
The best part? That had been hearing the words, "I'm sorry, kid." from Dean's lips and seeing him hug the child he had been and had, until then, been afraid to even look at. Cas saw that moment as one of the most positive choices Dean had ever made and he was grateful to have seen it and shared in it.
His phone announced the arrival of a text and he read it. "Really missing your arms around me right now." it said. He smiled. Jules always seemed to say what he needed her to.
He sent back, "Acutely aware of your absence."
"How's it going?" she sent.
He replied, "Better than I dared hope." He thought for a second and then sent, "Forget Rhydian. Dead end."
"Why?" came the reply.
"I'll tell you later. Sleep well." he sent.
Dean came into the room. "Jules?" he said, gesturing to the phone in Cas's hand.
"Yes." said Cas.
"Please tell me you're not discussing sandwich fillings again."
Cas looked at the screen and smiled. The words, "I hope I dream of you." had just appeared.
"These things are important, Dean." he said, "Maybe our date will be a picnic."
