the little cracks they escalated
and before you know it is too late
for making circles and telling lies
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(lies - glen hansard)
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[LIFELINES]
chapter twenty-nine: wrong chords
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His voice is hard and cold. "Why are you here Yamato?"
I can't decipher whether this is real or not. Is he really here? He's materialised out of nowhere. It can't be true. I blink, hoping he'll disappear. He doesn't.
Takashi?
Before I can interpret or get around the situation, I'm running. I'm sprinting as hard as I can, choking for air, and I'm getting severely dizzy. I hear staff members call after me, telling me to slow it down in the hallway, but I can't. Not yet. I'm not ready to be in the same room, to breathe the same air as him. Not after all I've done to him.
It's because you're a coward. You're guilty. You're a chicken-shit.
The thought of bumping into my senpai was bound to happen eventually. Of course it would. We go to the same rehab facility, for fuck's sake! But you know, I have been avoiding putting in all my efforts to avoid him. I kinda observed from the distance, determining, studying the schedule so that our schedules wouldn't match up. The thing is, confrontation isn't my forte. I'm not like Taichi, I'm not good with words like Takeru and I'm not a peace-maker like Yutaka.
Facing things head on is incredibly hard for me. I like brushing everything aside to face later - and that's always been my problem. It's something I need to improve on. It's reasonable that I've prioritised myself; that I've wanted to fix myself up first because it's the logical thing to do. I want to get better so that I won't be a burden to everybody else, including myself. I mean, I had been preparing myself to face Takashi one day, but I hadn't been anticipating that it would be today.
"You could use that speed on the court with me."
"Speed?" I blink.
It's that statistic basketball guy. You know, the tubby one. Yeah, I'm hopeless. I hadn't been completely sober and all 'with it' when I had introduced myself to him. And, you know how it is...after you've encountered a person way too many times, it's embarrassing to ask for their name because you're already friends. I need to remind myself to ask Daejin what Statistic Boy's name is.
He's uttering about the latest Raptors game. I don't know who they are. I don't know anything about basketball, so I just nod along. At least he is continuously talking because it's a pleasant distraction from thinking about what happened earlier.
"You're a filthy bastard. Change your fucking clothes." Ah, that other guy that likes to swear each second word he speaks. Yes, I need to ask Daejin this guy's name as well. They seem to be both morning people since they're already up. "You look fucking like you've rolled in shit this fucking morning."
"What?"
However, I follow where he's looking and note that Swear-boy is actually right. The coffee stains all over my clothes look horrid. That's right, I had spilt when my senpai had appeared in front of me. I shudder at the thought.
"I'll change and meet you at the court."
They're satisfied with the reply. It's a good thing I had stumbled across the two of them in the hallway because if I hadn't, I would have locked myself up in my room all day.
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I didn't want to go ahead with it, but Makoto-sensei convinced me. He knows how to push my buttons, and when to get me to comply with his biddings. I blame it on the fact he's known me since I was a kid. He knows all my flaws, he's listened to me blurt out all my mistakes, and knows all the shit I've done. The guy knows my history, and he's still stuck by me.
So when he told me it's time for a group session with my mother and Takeru, I couldn't exactly say 'no' to him. I mean, Makoto-sensei's been through it all with me. I feel like he knows me more than myself; and I know for certain that he genuinely wants the best for me. He always has. I trust him on that.
If he thinks I'm ready to take this step, then I'll listen to him. I won't argue because, most of the time, he's right. He's a darn guru if you ask me.
Then again, what other choice do I have? I've already gone through the worst, so there's only going upwards from here...right? Oh God, I really hope so. I don't want to go through it all again. The panic attacks, the uncontrollable trembling, and those soul-sucking relapses have mostly ceased ever since going cold-turkey in this rehab. It really had taken a toll on me, and I only realised how bad I had abused those substances until I had gone off them. Let's just say it's something I don't want to ever experience again.
"Are you ready?"
I dryly chuckle in reply. Of course I'll never be. I'm walking into a battlefield, ready to get stoned alive by my own flesh and blood. Funny because right now I'm sounding awfully like Takeru. He's the one who likes to be dramatic with words. There's a reason why he's the writer out of us, then again I'm the washed-up musician. Maybe dramatics run in our family. And, out of everyone, there's a reason why my mother's the queen at her darn antics.
Ah shit...my mother.
I flinch at the thought of her. She's one of those few people who knows how to strike the wrong chord with me.
Maybe I should have faked sick. I give a wry smile at the thought. Makoto-sensei immediately blocks the door once we've entered the family meeting room. Instead of a shrink, he looks more like a security guard right now. It's like he's read my mind. I told you he knows me too well. It's darn unfortunate in this circumstance because I really want to make a run for it. I know that I can't get away with it this time, like how I did when I had run away from Takashi last week. (I still get a rush of anxiety whenever I think about that encounter).
Makoto-sensei has ensured to pick the nicer-looking meeting room for today's special occasion. It doesn't feel as clinical, and there are actually comfortable sofas. In fact, I think the sofas in this room are the most comfortable in the whole facility. If his family meeting room was my bedroom, I'm sure I would sleep more. I instantly occupy the lone one-seater. Although I've agreed to be in the same room as my family, I don't feel all that comfortable to sit right next to them. Perhaps this is the only good thing about getting to this room first. It's better than walking into prying eyes, glaring murder at my direction. Makoto-sensei drags a plastic chair next to me to sit on.
At least he'll be with me through this all. Then again, I shouldn't be completely thankful since he's the one who has led me to the dragon's den.
The door slides open and every fibre, every muscle in my body tenses up. My mother struts in first, hair perfectly parted and done up in a strict French-braid, its tail falling on her favoured side. Not a single crease on her beige blouse, and not a speck of dirt on her spotless checked skirt. A lilac designer scarf is tied around her neck and her make-up is flawless. Funny because my brother follows her, donned in baggy jeans riding low, a loose black hoodie and a baseball cap worn backwards. I didn't have to be in their car to know that Takeru would have gotten an earful from mother dearest for his casual, scruffy attire.
I mean, cut him some slack. He does have three children. Yeah, my mother had the two of us...but it wasn't like she was always home anyway - even before the divorce. The times I've spotted her with any of Takeru's children, she looks awkward and almost scared that her clothes would get dirty.
Chiyoko-sensei closes the door behind them. She flashes me a reassuring smile.
She's my rehab therapist who has been working alongside Makoto-sensei. I haven't built a complete rapport with her, as I'm still closer to Makoto-sensei...but I do get along with her. She's nice. Petite, straight brown hair and silver frames. Quite a junior in the field in contrast to Makoto-sensei. I think she might even be my age. Because she was younger, I know I gave her a whole lot of grief when I was admitted. I had been pesky, and resistive, not being able to take her seriously at first. However, after a while, she kinda grew on me. She actually listened to me, and gave me advice in a polite way without judging me. Although I shouted curses, swore at her, and said some pretty down-right mean things to her, Chiyoko-sensei was thick-skinned and had taken my verbal aggression without blinking. She's kind of scary, now that I think about it. Sticks and stones don't really affect her.
It's her that suggested the family meeting to Makoto-sensei. I know he's been talking about doing the family meetings for eons (even before my dad passed away), but I guess it's now finally happening. With Chiyoko-sensei on board, it's been harder for me to deter from it, and the same goes for my mother and Takeru. Makoto-sensei and her are one mean combo.
"Hey Yamato," my brother greets me with a smile, sitting on the sofa across from me, the same one my mother's already sat on.
Despite it all, he's trying to be his ordinary perky, positive self. Although he's acting like this, I can see in his eyes that he's actually wary. He's been like this ever since he witnessed me pass out at Koushiro's birthday party, handling and talking to me like I'm glass. More pity that I didn't want.
Unlike my mother, I haven't completely shut him out. He'd come every now again to rehab for monitored visits, but I'd only see him if he'd bring Hiroto or one of his other kids along. It was easier that way because I directed all my attention to his children, rather than him.
"...Chiyoko-sensei has been seeing your mother and brother individually as well. And after months of planning, we thought it would be a good opportunity for you all to finally speak to each other."
Makoto-sensei's speech had dragged on a bit, but I had caught the last part of it. I hadn't thought they would speak to Takeru and my brother first. Then again, maybe it was effective this way? How would I know?
"Why don't you start first, Yamato."
Gee, thanks sensei. Throw me under the bus while you're at it. Inhale. Exhale. You've got this. Like fuck I do…
"Where do I start?" I murmur my thoughts out first. "Sorry guys? I'm the son who likes to fuck up?"
She scowls at me without batting an eyelash. "Language, Yamato."
"Hello to you too, mother dearest," I reply. Takeru may have said greeted me, but I'm well aware my mother hadn't.
This is a great start. Makoto-sensei sends me a look. I frown. Fine. I get it. I know I'm not helping myself here, but how am I meant to react? My sarcasm naturally spikes up whenever I'm put in the same room as my mother. She triggers me for the worst, and I can't help but go on defensive mode whenever she's within my distance.
"Grow up, son. This isn't an amusing situation you've landed yourself in."
Ah, here she goes on her lecturing rampage. Should I just stand up and walk out now? There's a hand on my shoulder. I glimpse Makoto-sensei's hard stare. Of course. I try to relax. It's impossible. I sink deeper into the seat, listening to her talk more garbage to me.
She says, "If you weren't always rebelling you wouldn't be here. Why can't you be like Takeru-"
"Takeru?" I laugh. "Takeru...as in your favourite son? I'll never reach his caliber, mother. Even if I didn't fuck up my life, or go on drugs, or drink a whole winery and distillery...I could never reach your expectations! Didn't I tell you that I'm your fucked up son-"
"Stop saying that," my brother interferes. The fake smile has vanished from his face. His arms are crossed, frowning at me. "You're not a fuck up. I hate it when you say shit like that."
I exclaim, "Look ma! Why don't you reprimand him off for cursing this time? You're letting him get away with it because he's your favourite-"
"Shut up, Yamato," Takeru snaps, ears turning pink. "Shut the fuck up."
"Takeru," my mother pleads. She looks confused though as her gaze flickers between Takeru and I. Usually it's my mother and I who are fighting - never Takeru. He's the peace-maker, the passive one that sacrifices himself between the two of us. The angel. The golden child. The kid that does no wrong, never committing a single sin or crime. The son that everybody loves.
"Yamato, you make it sound like you actually believe you're the fuck up!" Takeru glares. I shrug. My reaction vexes him further on as he goes on in his incensed spiel, "Because you aren't, OK? If anything, I was always the one compared to you. And I hated that you got to spend more time with dad! I was jealous of it-"
"Why would you be? He was a drunkard. You didn't have to worry about coming home to no food on the table, and him being delirious! You didn't have to fend for yourself!" I spit back. "Mother dearest fed you well, dressed you in designer clothing, paid for most of your wedding-"
It's funny because I never really thought of this much. Maybe because I just wanted to start a fight, I was itching to get under my perfect brother's skin. I never believed any of the shit I spouted out to him. He's getting worked up over nothing.
"-so what?" Takeru replies. "Mother tried to be there for you, but you always declined her offer! She cares about you-"
I laugh at this because he's trying to fix something that isn't fixable.
"Don't you fucking laugh! You might have lived with dad, but whenever she brought her friends over for tea parties...all she did was brag about you! She has all of your CDs from the very first single release to all your limited editions? Even the songs you've composed for other artists, she's got them neatly sitting on a shelf!"
What? For a moment, my gaze shifts to my mother. Her face is flushed. She's fanning herself, avoiding my scrutiny. If Takeru's lying, she wouldn't be affected by his words...yet she is. My stomach clenches. I don't ever remember her complimenting me once. It's always: do this, fix this, improve on this, get out of the entertainment industry and get a proper job...that type of tangent. She's never praised me. I thought all her pockets of praise had been for Takeru - never me.
Takeru doesn't end there though.
"-and I'm always the one trying to patch things up because I hate how we are. I've always hated this. Do you know how hard it is even to tell my kids why you don't get along? We're all adults. Hell, you're both older than me but you can't get your shit together! And yes, mother, I'm talking about you too!"
Burn.
"Takeru, honey. Calm down," my mother stutters. He shakes her off when she tries to hold his hand. He bellows, "NO!"
My brother's lost it. He's erupted.
The thing about him as that when he rages, he goes for the kill. It's a rare occasion that he's this blunt without messing around. Everything that is spilling out of his mouth are his truths, aren't filtered and are really what he's thinking. That's the thing about Takeru - his temper is identical to father's when he's in one of these moods. And you know what? Good. I've always found it unhealthy how Takeru keeps it in. You think I'm bad? Takeru's worse.
What a great family meeting. I'd applaud. I can see Chiyoko and Makoto-sensei exchanging glances with each other. I'm sure they regret planning this meeting now.
"So you take that back, Yamato," Takeru points a shaky finger at me. "Quit being petty. I'm not the favourite child - you are!"
"I find that hard to believe." I firmly kept to my side of the battle.
Him bringing up my mother keeping my CDs...any other person would be touched about it, but I wasn't happy about it. Not after all that's happened. Her actions hadn't proved anything. All the bitterness and resentfulness I've cast towards her won't disappear that easily. For decades my mother and I have been on the opposite side, regularly bickering and hardly - if ever - agreeing on anything. For me to put that aside, forgive her, over one comment about her keeping my CDs? It isn't right. It doesn't mean anything.
"Why do you find it hard to believe that I care about you, Yamato?" My mother questions me. Earlier she was lightly, but now her face is burning. Her voice is quivering. It doesn't suit her.
And maybe because I'm an ass, I finally say what's been on the tip of my tongue after all of these years. A secret I've been holding in for so long.
"Because you stopped caring about me, you stopped caring about us when you had that affair behind our backs - when you cheated on dad."
There's a collection of gasps. I don't think I had even told Makoto-sensei that. He knew I resented my mother, but now he knew why. It's out in the open and I can't go back on my word anymore. My mother has her hands covering her face, like she's wishing she can disappear. I don't blame her. And as terrible as it sounds, I'm finally glad it's out. Holding this secret has ruined me. It's ruined everything between my relationship with her. It's a secret that's been swept under the rug for all these years.
"What?" Takeru finally whispers, his eyes try to read mine as if searching for a lie. I stare back. He knows I'm telling the truth. My brother looks like he's aged from merely absorbing the words I have told him.
He skims his whole body to the opposite side of the couch, the furthest he can get away from mother's grasp.
"Takeru, honey!" She's sobbing.
It's peculiar witnessing this all. Takeru's always been in her good books. There's never been friction between them. But now...it's different. One truth has changed everything.
Takeru seethes, "Don't touch me!"
He pushes himself from the sofa, swiftly getting up and making his way out the door. My mother quickly goes after him, stumbling after her heels as she yells, "TAKERU!"
I don't follow after them. My skin is prickling from witnessing this all. I can see enough from where I'm sitting. My mother's desperate, flailing and tugging at my brother's sleeve, begging for his forgiveness.
"No." His eyes are livid, tone steady. Dangerously steady. He glares at mother and mutters to her "How long have you kept this from me? All this time...I-I blamed dad for everything. And you, you…"
"Takeru, I-"
He cuts her off, "I can't speak to you right now."
My mother is left staring after him as he storms away.
A wave of guilt hits me in the gut. I just want to crawl under my bed sheets and hide from this all, wish that none of this happened. Yes, a weight has been lifted from my chest...but is this right? Had I done the correct thing? Makoto-sensei pats my back. There's some reassurance in that. At least I hadn't had to go through it alone.
Chiyoko-sensei stalks after Takeru and Makoto-sensei glances at me. "Do you want me still here?"
"I'm fine."
I'm not, but I can hold my own against my mother. He nods, and walks out the room. Knowing him, he's probably going to fetch a nurse or make sure Takeru isn't doing anything too rash in the state he's in.
As soon as they're gone, my mother redirects her attention to me. Any minute she's going to tell me off...any minute.
To my surprise, she doesn't scream.
How could you tell him that?" Instead, her voice is weak when she speaks to me, lacking the usual spark - and it makes me feel even more uneasy.
I shrug at her because I don't know how else to reply. I'm drained from this all. The pent up fury that had been sizzling in my veins from day one. My brother had the right to know now. He's not a child anymore. For Christ sake...he even has his own children! I explain this to my mother, and she doesn't take it well. I stand back, unable to take it being seated any longer. I rest my back against the adjacent wall, as my mother starts to break down.
"I didn't want you to tell your brother!" She comments, "Why do you always have to make things so difficult for us?"
"And I didn't ask you to be here," I counter back.
My mother turns on her heels and leaves. As soon as she goes, I let out a sigh. My moment alone doesn't last long as a new voice creeps into the room.
"That was mean."
Out of all people, it has to be Sora.
"Really?" I lean back, frowning at her comment. "Was I? I thought I was being lenient."
She's somebody I don't want in this room right now. I'm still gathering my thoughts, figuring out what the fuck has just happened. The toxic secret that I've released into the world will create unwanted drama, but I couldn't keep it in anymore. I really want to get the fuck away from this room, I want Sora to leave. Why is she here? Why is she always here? For fuck's sake. I'm a mess. I don't get it. I've treated her like shit, and she still is lingering by me...why?
Sora frowns, taking the seat where Makoto-sensei had been sitting.
I try to relax, focusing on my breathing. I can't be a dick to her. I've already acted like a jackass to my mother and brother. She doesn't deserve my attitude right now.
"Sorry." I apologise, "A family session. My doc and Takeru thought it would be beneficial…"
She tries to juice more information out of me about mother and Takeru...but I don't cave in - even if she is Sora. She doesn't get it. She's never spoken about her parents being difficult, aside from typical parent-ranting and disagreements...she'd never know what extent I had gone through with mine. She tries to defend my mother, saying that she's trying. All I can do is inwardly laugh at her false fantasy.
And maybe it's because I'm too spiteful, I notice the fleeting expression on her face as she uncrosses her folded legs. She's going to go...and as much as I don't want her here, I don't want to let go of her either. The thought of her leaving me makes me panic inside.
She stands up.
"Where are you going?"
"Thought you didn't want me here considering that you're choosing not to talk to me."
I fight back on default, and she doesn't take it. She looks upset and disappointed in me - a look I hate seeing on her face. She turns her back to me and says, "Fine. I'll leave."
"Sora." I call. My voice is raw and not as resistive when I say, "I'm sorry."
And maybe it's because I'm in this exposing high, I finally let the cat out of the bag - the topic that we've been dancing around whenever we'd see each other during these one-on-one sessions. I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry for what I did, how I had hurt her...it's the wrong time and place to do this, but this pity, and asking for forgiveness spree is something that's been long-delayed.
She breathes out, hesitating as she dares to delve into the topic more, "You're bringing this up now?"
"We've never talked about it."
Sora sits herself back onto the chair, surveying me quietly at what I'm going to say, what my next move will be. It's right that she's got her defences up around me. This staring competition is tiring, and all I want to do is hold her in my arms and plead for her forgiveness - just like how my mother had been with Takeru.
"It's not entirely your fault. We were both furious at each other, Yamato. I mean, I didn't expect you to tell Taichi that you forced yourself onto me...when you didn't really."
She's frustrating me. She's trying to wave it all off like it's nothing. And Taichi? Just how much have the two talked to each other about me? Some best friend Taichi is...then again, look who's speaking? I'm the worst one.
I speak what's going through my mind aloud. How I fucked it up; how I fucked us up. How I had shot up when I had seen her with her ex. How I couldn't handle it. How stupid I had been. How I was wrong. How disgusted I felt about myself when I had found her sprawled on my bed, battered with bruises and scratches that only I would have inflicted. How I had gone too far. How I remember her cries, and how I kept going.
The worst. The fowlest human...that's me.
But she ignores this. She doesn't agree with me and instead says, "Why didn't you stay? You could have told me."
How does this affect anything? I'm the one who fucked it all up with her, and here she's going on how I hadn't stayed by her side. She should be demanding an apology, but she's brushing it away because she wanted to wake up next to me? How...how can she be like this? Can't she see how much I've hurt her, and how I dream about it frequently. A repetitive nightmare.
She wants more clarification though. She brings up her ex, she asks whether it's her fault that I fell apart. I tell her it isn't, that I already was a ticking time-bomb before catching her with that Spanish guy. She still blames herself for it, and it pisses me off. She shouldn't. Though, she did cheat. She had lied to me….but I had lied to. I still dreamt of Kaori. I still loved Kaori so deeply, that it felt like I've been emotionally cheating on Sora. I don't know what's worse.
"You loved her, didn't you?" Sora's talking about Kaori, about the person I had just told her that I still love.
The interrogation would have to wait another day. My shoulders droop downwards. "She's gone."
"I know." She hasn't said her name, but she seems to know more than I had pictured.
Who had told her? I meet her stare, trying to piece it all - and who had told her. I list a few names, and she shakes her head.
"...figured it out before anybody confirmed it." She explains, "You were high, remember? I only connected the pieces, filled in the gaps that you weren't telling me. I hate you for it, you know?"
"For carrying a flame for a dead girl?" I remark.
"No," she says. "I hate you for hiding things from me. All this time, you've always held something back. And, in the end, it resulted in all these secrets eating you up. I feel like I could have prevented it too, if I had listened to you more. If I had let you open up to me...if somebody was there for you to hear you out, perhaps then you wouldn't have had a meltdown."
"I don't get why you have to blame yourself for it," I mumble. "Think about it, Sora, people surround me. Anybody would have been happy to listen to me, but I had closed them off. I pretended that nothing was wrong. I brought this upon myself."
She softly mutters to me, "Maybe if I had met you earlier, would it have been different between us?"
"You'd hate me. I'm a bit of a dickhead."
Sora goes on one of her tangents. I'm too exhausted to retain it all, but I do put my slice of input in every now and again. I'm just glad she's here. She's kept me sane during most of this rehab process, and I've been thankful for how much she's done - even though she doesn't think she has. She's painted a world outside of this place, chattering about her life, her accomplishments...I never get sick of it.
I'm holding her hand between my fingers, and she notices it then. Her cheeks are pink and the sudden look in her eyes, I can see it...fear.
I say, "Are you still scared of us?"
This is even before that incident. I know she's been holding herself back. Scared to commit. Scared to fall. Hell, I am too...but she's more rigid. I want to be her, but does she really want to be with me? That's the question that's been running through my mind for a while. She regularly visits me at this rehab, but what good will it do? Is it pity? Or does she believe in us starting again, like I do?
My heart breaks when she retracts her hand from mine and, under her breath says, "Is there still an us?"
Of course though. What did I expect? I'm foolish to even think that I had another chance after what I've done to her. I've been reading it all wrong. She's only here because she pities me. That's what it is. Somehow this hurts more than her not seeing me at all. I'd rather she not visit if she doesn't care for me the way that I do for her...
"Sorry."
"It's fine," I respond.
Because what else am I meant to say? There's nothing else here. What I had envisioned doesn't exist in her eyes. Maybe this is the karma I get for exposing my mother's secret to Takeru. Who knows?
The world doesn't make sense anymore.
.
One step forwards, four steps back. Three steps forwards, one step back. A pattern that is never constant, unpredictable. A slow healing process that wasn't designed to be smooth-sailing.
For a moment, I thought I had been back on track. I thought things were looking up, but right now everything looks so grim. The future isn't clear. Nothing is.
I regret the talk with my mother and Takeru. Makoto and Chiyoko-sensei it's a good thing, but I beg to differ. Everything is much more stickier now. It might have been best that I hadn't divulged my mother cheating on dad, because then at least one bond wasn't broken. Currently, from what I know of, we're all not talking to each other. Takeru hasn't come back for another visit, and there's no surprise that my mother hasn't turned up in the past week either.
As much as I do care about my family, I'm hurt the most about Sora. She stopped visiting. After a week, I added her to the blacklist. I'm being childish, but she's the one who's closed me off first. I get it, she rejected me. I could say I'm not taking it to heart, but I am...and it fucking hurts. Now I get it, now I understand how it feels when I had turned down a few girls who had been making a move on me, and I had completely dissed them. You'd think that somebody of my age would have more experience, but I don't. Kaori had been my only real relationship. Sora, I had hoped would be my other one...and look how that's turned out.
And maybe because I'm fed up with it all, and my head's muddled...I ended up attending a third guitar class this week. Like every other time, I make sure to check the schedule. However, this time I hadn't.
I shouldn't have been shocked when I watched Takashi join the class. It's pathetic because the music teacher is teaching us, but Takashi is the most advanced one in the room. He's the pro here - he doesn't need to be taught.
Just knowing that Takashi's in the class makes my skin crawl. As if sensing my look, he picks up his acoustic guitar and intentionally takes a seat next to me. I try to ignore him, but he addresses me first.
"Kouhai?"
"Takashi," I blurt out.
All I can do is dumbly say his name aloud. I had already encountered him, and I had ran away from him. I didn't want to see him. Yes, I know it's selfish of me.
Self-centred? Perhaps.
I've passed the denial stage a long time ago, I had resorted to drugs. I know that. It was a path I had never wanted to venture after watching Takashi go through it all, but I had done it too. I'm a hypocrite; a darn fool who did what I had to do to forget, to try anything I could get my hands on because my thoughts were darn awful and disrupting, interfering with my lifestyle and performing an endless routine of somersaults of toxicity in my mind.
"Why are you here? Don't you already teach you how to play the guitar?" He queries. "Wasn't I a good enough teacher?"
His words are designed to hurt me and, well, he's doing a good job. Words have failed me. My throat is parched. I don't know what else to say. What a nightmare. The person I had looked up to the most; the person I had failed the most...he's looking right back at me with unsympathetic eyes.
I look away, not knowing exactly what to reply to him. I place my guitar back on its stand, dropping the pic next to it and hurriedly getting to ready to leave-
"Where do you think you're going my sweet kouhai?" The last work is spoken with malice. It's the endearing nickname he used to call me, but now it sounds like searing poison to my ears. "Why are you running away from me again?"
Thin, bony fingers latch around my wrist. The same hands that had shown me how to play the very first C chord. They're paler now, and frail. However, for fingers so weak-looking...his grasp on my wrist is taut, like a tourniquet strung tight around a neck. They're fixated, with not a chance to escape without some struggle, a fight
And maybe because I'm used to resisting, I attempt to shove him off me. He keeps holding onto my wrist. His fingers are leaving printing white onto my skin. He's pressing hard enough that I know it'll bruise.
"Get the fuck off!" I snarl at him. I punch him. He doesn't move to dodge it, and I feel my fist connect to his face. Instead of falling back and clutching his nose, he lunges back at me, returning a fist right into my gut.
Blood spills. Is it his...or mine? I don't know.
But I'm yelling now. Shrieking. Kaori. Oh fuck. She's bleeding again. It's her blood on me. It has always has been. Shouting. Breathing. My lungs hurt. Vision's blurry again. Somebody is getting tackled to the ground. Is it me? No. A nurse. "It'll be fine, Yamato. Take a deep breath-"
But I don't want to breathe anymore. It's labouring. It hurts. Everything fucking hurts. Senpai. Where is he? Is he alright?
"You're back." A tall guy. His arm is around me as he's helping the nurse sit me up.
The tallest guy I know...Daejin? Yes, that's his name. That half-Korean guy.
I'm in rehab. Daejin's my basketball friend. Probably the only real one here, if I even consider any of these inmates my friends. His eyebrows are scrunched up in concern. His face is drawn in a scowl as he gazes behind me. I follow his stare and find four staff members on Takashi.
The medical team, and security, have stopped Takashi from wrestling out of their grasps. He leers at me and bawls out, "You said it would stop! You said that it would all go away if I try it. Isn't this what you wanted, Yamato? Are you happy now?"
"What?" I say. I'm actually surprised I can speak because I'm shocked. My body is shaking like crazy. Unwanted memories seep, bleeding into my thoughts.
No. This couldn't be true. It isn't right. No...
"You introduced me to Yamaguchi! If you and Kaori hadn't none of this would have ever happened!"
Kaori? Takashi...Takashi hadn't wanted anything at first back then, but...Kaori and I, we...we were high, weren't we? We wanted to spread the fun, we wanted Takashi to let loose and relax a little. He had been pent up with stress and we…fuck. We had contributed to his addiction. It's all coming back now.
Takashi's still screaming curses at me as the staff relocate him to a different room. His movements become sluggish from the sedative they must have injected into him while I had been out of it. He might be almost passed out, but his glare is sharp and it stings me much more than the punches he's delivered.
"Are you going to increase my sessions now, punish me? Do something? I created that commotion...I probably deserve something after all that," I talk to nobody in particular.
One of the nurses actually answers me though. "No. You did nothing wrong, Yamato. This was Mr Nakamura's fault."
Takashi's fault?
What a joke! It's clear as day it's mine. Anybody in the cafeteria can clearly see it's me. I'm the one who strung him along a shit path. I fucked up his life. My life was already fucked up, but I had to go and drag him along with me.
And you know what's shit? The one thing that's been plaguing my mind in regards to Takashi...all I had to do was say 'sorry'.
Why can't I do something so simple?
I really am a fuck up.
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(a/n) Thanks for making it this far. I know it's been a difficult read. I feel relieved to get Yamato x his mother x Takeru scene out of the way. There's still more to it, but I'll slowly expose it as we go. There have been many things happening in this story in contrast to Bittersweet Catastrophe xD I think we've passed the main hurdles now, and hopefully it'll be more brighter from now on...despite this story not really being a bright one. Haha.
I hope you've been doing well during these difficult times. Stay protected. Look after yourselves. Skype/Zoom/Facetime loved ones. Wash your hands. I'll stop because I know you already hear enough of this. Haha. But really, stay safe...and watch the new Digimon Adventure if you haven't. It's so darn cute xD
Anyway, I'll reply to reviews tomorrow/in a couple of days.
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P.S. if you're interested, I kinda started that new (odd) sorato that I've been plotting for some time now. It's called 'Gravity' and the prologue was posted on this site yesterday.
