Chapter Thirty-Seven - Bittersweet

Everything is moving too fast. People are walking around and talking and it's just all too fast for Mikaela to keep up with. Why can't everyone just stop for a second? Peter didn't make it back - why won't they stop and process that? There's a ringing in her ears and a lump in her throat and a hole in her chest that hurts and no one is stopping to think about Peter.

Mikaela is slumped on the floor next to Rocket, leaning against a short table or coffee table or something. Every so often he pats her knee. She keeps trying to use the action to anchor her, but there's only one person in the world who can anchor her with his touch - and he's not on this world, or on any, or anywhere in between.

She closes her eyes and counts ten breaths, then starts again. She actively forces herself to stop picking at her fingers, and focuses on her senses to try and ground herself. She needs to be present, she wants to be present, because Tony is back and alive and despite her misery and grief over Peter, seeing Tony has brightened her heart.

"It's been 23 days since Thanos came to Earth," Rhodey is saying.

"World governments are in pieces. The parts that are still working are trying to take a census, and it looks like he did.." Natasha pauses, jaw clenching. "He did exactly what he said he was gonna do. Thanos wiped out 50% of all living creatures."

Mikaela opens her eyes and takes slow breaths, looking around the room, trying to ignore the names of those she has lost buzzing around in her head. She can't see Bruce or Pepper or Nebula, but the rest are spaced out, as if too scared to get close to anyone again.

"Where is he now? Where?"

Mikaela's eyes snap to Tony and fill with tears at the sound of his voice. She has missed it so much, it feels like a wound has been closed.

"We don't know," Steve replies solemnly. "He just opened a portal and walked through."

Tony turns away from Steve. "What's wrong with him?" he asks, pointing over at Thor.

Mikaela feels Rocket shift beside her before he replies, "Well, he's pissed. He thinks he failed. Which, of course, he did, but, y'know, there's a lot of that goin' around, ain't there?"

Mikaela tears her gaze away from Tony to glance at Rocket, wondering at the subtle accusation in his voice. Then she notices his tiny hand on her arm, and she realises he's accusing Tony of failing to bring Peter back home to her.

"Rocket," she says quietly, unsure if it's admonishing or touched.

"Honestly, until this exact second, I thought you were a Build-a-Bear," Tony hits back.

"Maybe I am," Rocket says without missing a beat. He doesn't even know what a Build-a-Bear is.

"We've been hunting Thanos for three weeks now," Steve interjects, glancing at Mikaela. "Deep space scans and satellites, and we got nothing. Tony, you fought him-"

"Who told you that?" Tony interrupts aggressively. "I didn't fight him. No, he wiped my face with a planet while the Bleecker Street magician gave away the Stone. That's what happened. There was no fight."

"Ok," Steve says tiredly.

"He's not beatable," Tony finishes quietly, angry.

"Did he give you any clues, coordinates, anything?"

Tony scoffs and then makes a "pfft" noise, mocking Steve. Mikaela cringes while the rest of the room seems to roll their eyes. "I saw this coming a few years back," Tony says. "I had a vision. I didn't want to believe it. Thought I was dreaming."

"Tony, I'm gonna need you to focus," Steve says quietly but firmly, standing up.

"And I needed you," Tony retorts, his voice growing stronger in anger. "As in, past tense. That trumps what you need. It's too late, buddy. Sorry." He sniffs, and then speaks quickly as he pushes himself to his feet, knocking things over on the table in front of him. "Do you know what I need, I need a shave. And I believe I remember telling all youse-"

"Tony, Tony," Rhodes says, approaching the man as he rips out whatever drip someone had put him on.

"Alive and otherwise," Tony continues, voice growing to a shout, "that what we needed was a suit of armour around the world, remember that? Whether it impacted our precious freedoms or not. That's what we needed."

"Well, that didn't work out, did it?" Steve retorts quietly. Mikaela is actually surprised to hear him snap back, as calm as it was, at Tony's raging accusations.

"I said we'd lose, you said, 'We'll do that together, too.' And guess what, Cap? We lost. And you weren't there. But, that's what we do, right?" Tony demands, as Rhodes tries to calm him down. "Our best work after the fact? We're the 'Avengers'? We're the 'Avengers', not the 'Pre-Vengers', right?"

"Okay," Rhodes nods, holding Tony back. "You made your point. Just sit down, okay?"

Mikaela has curled her knees up to her face, pressing her mouth and nose against her jeans, her eyes stinging again.

"Okay. No, no, no, here's my point. She's great, by the way," Tony continues, pointing at Carol. "We need you, you're new blood." She stares at him as he pushes past Rhodes to advance on Steve, a frail finger pointing at him. "Bunch of tired old mules. I got nothing for you, Cap. I got no coordinates, no clues, no strategies, no options. Zero, zip, nada. No trust. Liar."

Mikaela feels some tears slip.

Tony rips the housing unit from his chest and shoves it into Steve's hand. "Here, take this. You find him. You put that on, you hide." He is breathing so shakily and hollowly.

Then he falls to his knees.

They say his name, still full of concern. Mikaela leans forwards, clapping a hand to her mouth, her legs splayed in front of her again, unsure of what to do.

"I'm fine," Tony says, panting. Then he collapses on the floor.

Mikaela is up in an instant and bolts to his side. Her fingers go straight to his neck, heaving a sigh of relief when she feels the thrum of his faint pulse.

"Let's get him to the bed, come on," Steve says, reaching past her to lift Tony.

Natasha takes Mikaela gently by the shoulders and pulls her back, whispering comforting words.

They follow Steve through to one of the medical rooms, Pepper coming upon them as they move. The redhead sits tiredly at the side of the bed while they get Tony comfortable, and Mikaela hangs nervously in the doorway, rubbing her forehead.

"Bruce gave him a sedative," Rhodes tells the others when he leaves the bed and walks into the waiting room next to it. "He's gonna be probably out for the rest of the day."

"You guys take care of him, and I'll bring him a Xorrian elixir when I come back," Carol says, and then she starts to walk away.

Mikaela makes brief eye contact with Pepper before following Rhodes into the room, watching Carol's back.

"Where are you going?" Steve asks.

"To kill Thanos," she replies simply.

Steve and Natasha share a look before marching after the woman who can glow and fly and carry a spaceship. Mikaela glances back at Tony before jogging after them.

"Hey," Natasha calls out. "You know, we usually work as a team here, and, uh, between you and me, morale's a little fragile."

"We realise up there is more your territory, but this is our fight too," Steve says.

"Do you even know where he is?" Rhodey asks from beside Mikaela.

"I know people who might," Carol replies.

"Don't bother," Nebula speaks up from across the room. "I can tell you where Thanos is."

"Yeah, c'mon, the ship picked something up," Rocket says, gesturing them through to another room where Mikaela knows he's spent hours playing with the technology.

"What's going on?" Steve asks, looking between Nebula and Rocket when they settle in the new room.

Rocket looks over at Nebula, who is staring into the distance. "I am a child of Thanos," she says, bitter and hollow. She takes a moment to let the news settle over them, and then continues. "Thanos spent a long time trying to perfect me. And, when he worked, he talked about his Great Plan. Even disassembled, I wanted to please him. I'd ask, where would we go once his plan was complete? His answer was always the same." She takes a breath and walks to the table Rocket is stood upon. "'To the garden'."

"That's cute," Rhodes quips. "Thanos has a retirement plan."

"So, where is he?" Steve asks.

Rocket brings up a hologram of the planet. "When Thanos snapped his fingers, Earth became ground zero for a power surge of ridiculously cosmic proportions. No one's ever seen anything like it. Until two days ago-" the hologram travels through the universe to another planet. "-on this planet."

Nebula looks up at them. "Thanos is there."

"He used the Stones again," Natasha says, leaning in.

"Hey," Bruce chuckles nervously. "We'd be going in short-handed, you know?"

"He's got the Stones, so-" Rhodes begins.

"So, let's get 'em," Carol shrugs, nodding. "Use them to bring everyone back."

"Just like that?" Bruce asks sceptically.

"Yeah," Steve says. "Just like that."

"Even if there's a small chance that we can undo this, I mean, we owe it to everyone who's not in this room to try," Natasha insists.

"If we do this, how do we know it's gonna end any differently than it did before?" Bruce asks.

"Because, before, you didn't have me," Carol says simply. Mikaela admires her self-worth.

"Hey, new girl, everybody in this room is about that superhero life, and, if you don't mind my asking, where the hell have you been all this time?" Rhodes demands.

"There are a lot of other planets in the universe," Carol counters, "and, unfortunately, they didn't have you guys."

Mikaela actually manages to smile.

When Thor stands up, the whole room turns to look at him, surprised at his sudden activity. Mikaela had barely realised he was there in the first place.

They watch cautiously as he stomps over to Carol. Then his hand lifts, and they hear the tell-tale sounds of his massive axe responding to his call. Carol doesn't flinch as it soars past her head and into his hand. Thor leans it on the floor and regards her, then looks at the room, nodding. "I like this one."

"Let's go get this son of a bitch," Steve says firmly.

"Yeah, love the attitude, but first we gotta fix the fuel cells," Rocket quips, jumping down from the table.

"Alright, everyone get ready," Steve nods.

Mikaela feels her feet falter as everyone leaves the room. She lifts her gaze to meet Steve as he walks over to her. She opens her mouth to speak, but she doesn't know what to say.

"I need someone here to look after the facility," he says, his eyes sad and knowing. "To look after Tony."

Mikaela nods and feels her eyes stinging again. "Thank you," she manages to whisper.

He pats her shoulder and follows after the others.

Mikaela makes her way back to Tony's bedside. Pepper spots her coming and leaves her fiancé's side to give Mikaela the comforting hug she's been needing. They squeeze tightly, sharing in their relief that Tony is back, but grief that Peter is not.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Pepper whispers.

When she pulls back, she wipes the tears from Mikaela's cheeks. Mikaela just nods and looks down at Tony.

"He looks awful," she says quietly.

Pepper returns to her chair and picks up Tony's hand again while Mikaela stands at his other side, observing his face. He looks so gaunt - so pale and thin and sick. And the pain, the raw pain she saw in him when he was arguing with Steve..

"What are the others doing?" Pepper asks, trying to distract herself.

"They're fixing up the ship," Mikaela replies, feeling both guilt and relief, "and then they're going to try kill Thanos and get the Stones."

"They know where he is?" Pepper frowns, sitting up straighter.

"Yeah, he used the Stones two days ago and they've tracked the power surge. They want to use the Stones to bring everyone back."

"Jesus," Pepper mutters. "Are you going with them?"

Mikaela blinks back tears. "I can't," she whispers.

"He'd rather you were here too," Pepper replies soothingly.

Mikaela looks at Tony, at his sickly features, and her heart swells despite all the pain. She wasn't sure if she'd ever see his face again, hear his voice, feel his touch, and here he is.

But he wouldn't look at her when he got off the ship.

Mikaela swallows the rest of her tears and leaves the room.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

She sits on the roof again, about 11 hours after spotting Carol and the ship, her hand instinctively resting on the telescope between her legs. She had watched them all get on the ship, her friends looking subtly nervous, Rocket looking delighted, and waved to them as he lifted the ship into flight, and watched them as the ship flew off into space.

She doesn't know whether it was wrong of her to have not gone with them. Part of her feels like she's let them down, and that now she's doomed to watch the sky for their return like she did for Tony and Peter. But they've got Carol now, and she seems powerful - she certainly sounded confident that she could kill Thanos by herself.

Either way, if that ship doesn't come back soon, she knows she'll wonder forever whether it was her fault.

"You're gonna make an old man walk all those stairs, huh? I thought I was dramatic."

Mikaela sends pebbles flying when she spins round on her ass to face the door onto the roof. Tony is leaning on the metal stand with his drip, wrapping his gown closer around him, eyes on the sky and a tense smile on his face.

Mikaela can't think of anything to say.

Tony finally glances at her, but it doesn't last long, and then he's looking at the ground as he walks slowly over, a slight limp in his left leg. He looks almost imperceptibly brighter, but still terrible.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" Mikaela asks weakly.

Tony shrugs. "Pepper told me you'd be up here. Says you're up here whenever you come to the Facility."

Mikaela shrugs. "Did you really walk up all those stairs?"

Tony smirks. "No, I took the elevator - just wanted to make you feel bad." He sits down on the small wall around the edge of the roof. His face falls and he rubs angrily at his temple. "Guess I've already done enough of that today," he mutters.

Mikaela's eyes sting. "Peter.. he vanished, didn't he?" She barely makes it through the sentence.

Tony sighs harshly. "Yeah."

"Then that's not your fault. How were you supposed to stop him vanishing?"

"Thanos was there," Tony snaps, eyes going that wild way she recognises. "He was right there and we had a chance and we nearly got the-" he cuts off angrily, glaring off into the distance. "I shoulda known Quill would be a loose canon."

"Quill?" Mikaela asks, adjusting her body into a more comfortable position. "What did he do?"

Tony looks a little confused but answers her anyway. "He was trying to find out what happened to his girlfriend."

"Gamora?" Mikaela clarifies, remembering the name from Rocket's stories. "Did she vanish too?"

"No, Thanos killer her - how do you know these people?"

"The raccoon," she shrugs. "They were his family."

Tony makes a slightly disinterested noise of understanding. His foot taps a few times on the roof, fingers twitching.

"Tony, we all failed to stop Thanos," Mikaela says quietly.

He scoffs and looks away.

"Peter vanishing is my fault as much as it is yours," she says.

At that, he looks back at her, and he looks guilty and sad and in pain. "Ghostie, it's not-"

"I was holding him off," she says, eyes stinging for the umpteenth time today. "It was working. But he distracted me. And I lost."

"You fought him?" Tony asks, fists clenching around his drip stand.

"I tried," she scoffs bitterly.

"What do you mean he distracted you?"

She looks up at him sadly. "He used you against me."

Tony stares at her, and then his face softens and his body seems to slump. "Aw, kid," he mutters, and he sounds so tired.

When he stands up, Mikaela scrambles to her feet too and meets him halfway, burying her face in his shoulder as the tears start to fall, wrapping her arms around his torso as he lays a surprisingly strong arm around her back and presses his cheek against the side of her head.

"I'm sorry," she cries.

He squeezes her tighter and presses a kiss into her hair. "Me too, sweetheart."

"I missed you so much," she goes on, unable to stop. "I was so scared you weren't going to come home."

He takes his other hand off the metal stand to hold her with both arms. "Me too. I'm so glad you're safe," he breathes.

She squeezes her eyes shut, determined to commit this moment to memory, the smell and warmth of him, the feeling of pure relief and comfort he gives her, the love she feels spilling out of her and returned by him. She never wants to leave this moment.