Zero Regrets

(November 20-21, 2017)


37: Making the Rounds

On Sunday evening, Soos tacked big signs up on the Museum and gift shop doors, hand-printed with colorful markers. They both bore exactly the same message:


THE MYSTERY SHACK

will CLOSE for the season

On SATURDAY DEC 9.

Thanks everybody for a great year!

We will open again on MARCH 17, 2018.

C U Then. Get it?

Have a great winter, dogs!


Both of the signs also had little sketches in the lower right corners, three diminishing circles like a minimalist snowman, but one wearing a black jacket and a red fez. Little Soos's portraits of his dad, they were not only cute, but in the proportions of belly to head, nearly accurate.

Soos had told Wendy and Dipper that business was still ticking along—nothing spectacular, but at least equal to the past few fall seasons—and that he'd banked enough to make a few improvements next year.

After dinner, Soos had shyly said, "Uh, I guess you dudes are too grown-up now to come back and work in the Shack, uh, no, I guess that's all Soosed up, sorry."

"Dude," Wendy said, "Come on, man! Me and Dip are looking forward to coming back next summer! What if we start on June 5? We can work clear through until September 1 before going back to the University."

"Me, too!" Mabel piped up. "And you gotta have Teek in the snack bar again! You hire us all or you get none! Final offer!"

"Really?" Soos said, his eyes lighting up. "It'll seem like old times! But Wendy, dude, you have to come back as like Manager or some deal. And I'll make Dipper, uh, I don't know—"

"Chief of Sales," Mabel suggested. "I'll be Snack Bar Manager. And Teek can be the Chef de Cuisine!"

"I can probably manage like at least a five per cent raise for everybody, too," Soos said. "Thanks so much!"

Wendy said, "You and the family going back to Mexico this year?"

"Oh, yeah," Soos said. "Abuelita really can't stand much cold weather." That was true. At dinner, the old lady had been bundled in so many sweaters she looked as if she had gained ten pounds. "And the kids like it, and Melody enjoys the vacation. Abuelita's gonna fly down this coming Sunday afternoon, and then Melody and the kids and me are gonna go like on December 27. Because of you-know-what."

"Soos," Mabel said. "Everybody knows what!" She had long before announced to everyone, including the Corduroy family minister, that the reaffirmation of Dipper's and Wendy's vows would be on December 26, and in the Shack. Invitations had been sent out, and she had fabric and decorations on order.

"When are you coming back?" Dipper asked Soos.

"Not until just before we re-open. I forget the exact date, but it'll be along about the tenth or eleventh of March."

"The Shack gonna get along without a caretaker?" Wendy asked. That had been her winter job for the past few years—remaining in the Shack while the Ramirez family took its annual Mexican vacation, keeping the heat going and making sure no pipes froze.

"Oh, sure," Soos said. "Mr. Pines, I mean Stan, says he'll come up the hill every day and check things out. So that's OK, we're covered."

That night Mabel planned to walk down to Stan's house to sleep in the guest room. Though Soos offered to put Dipper and Wendy up in the Shack's guest room, which had a queen-sized bed, they chose the attic instead.

"We can push the beds together," Wendy said. "Dipper feels more at home up there."

"And they can make all the noise they want!" Mabel said.

"Yeah, we might play a quick game of attic golf," Wendy added.


Just as they were getting ready for bed, Dipper's phone rang—Alex. "Hi, son," he said. "Mom and I just got in from dinner."

"Did you guys enjoy Crater Lake?" Dipper asked.

"Eh, very scenic, but it was cold and blustery. Not a bad drive, though. And your mom wanted to get in some antiquing, and we went to that place that Uncle Ford recommended, the restaurant, uh—"

"The Farmhouse," Dipper said.

"That one, right. And then we dropped in at the mall and saw a movie, we haven't done that in forever, and now, uh. We're back. You kids all get in OK?"

"Yes, no problems," Dipper told him. "Now, tomorrow, Mabel and Teek and we are going to drive up to Morris so Mabel can visit her pigs, and then Wendy's Aunt Sallie has invited us for lunch, so I guess we'll see you and Mom at dinner."

"Sounds like a plan. Have a good night."

"You, too, Dad. Hey—thanks for not being shocked at Mabel's play. That meant a lot to her."

Alex chuckled. "I think it sort of jarred Wanda at first, but she got into the spirit of things. The proposal was a surprise. Luckily, Teek's really impressed Wanda—polite and quiet and steady, just the kind of fellow Mabel needs."

"He's a good guy," Dipper agreed.

That night, after all, Wendy and Dipper wound up not pushing the beds togetherl. But even in Dipper's single bed, they made do.


On Monday, Mabel had a joyful reunion with her two favorite pigs in the whole world, and Sallie Corduroy Bellone cooked a typical big farm lunch of fried chicken (one bought from the meat market, not a member of her own flock, who lived just to lay eggs and eventually died of a contented old age). As Dipper had often told Wendy, Sallie was a wizard at fried chicken—crispy crust, so tender it all but melted in the mouth and completely delicious.

As they cleaned up, Sallie, supervising Wendy's dishwashing, asked, "When can I expect a grand-nephew or niece?"

Wendy almost dropped a plate. "Aunt Sallie! Dad's already started on us about that. At least let us finish college before making those kinds of demands!"

"You do plan on starting a family one day, though," Sallie said. It wasn't a question.

"One day," Dipper agreed. "Don't worry. You can count on us."

"Teek and me will have a family, too," Mabel said. "You're welcome to claim them as honorary grand-whatevers! Did I show you my ring?"

"Three times, I think," Sallie said, grinning. But she admired it again. "I envy you young'uns. My big regret in life was that Bell and I couldn't have children. That's always a sadness that lingers on and on. I won't devil you any longer about starting a family, but my Second Sight's already told me I'll live to have two red-headed twins on my knees. And Mabel, your first will be a boy and your second will be a girl, so there. You just wait and see. If it turns out t'other way, you can call me a silly old woman—but just you wait!"

"From your mouth to God's ear!" Mabel crowed, echoing an occasional expression of her dad's, and Teek, who blushed easily, turned red. Even so, he was grinning.

Mabel then put on a special show for Aunt Sallie, condensing Avenue Q into about half an hour, singing highlights from the songs, acting out all the roles for the juiciest jokes. Sallie laughed her head off. "Wish I'd been there! Lord, it's sort of profane, but it sounds like it would be a scream!"

Mabel whipped out her phone and went into her photo album. "Here's all the puppets. This is mine, Kate, and this is the young guy she falls in love with, Princeton, and this is Trekkie Monster, and—"

Wendy and Dipper had sat through a similar performance already, for the benefit of Soos and Melody, so they went out onto the back porch. A warming trend had set in, and the forecaster promised that eventually Gravity Falls would see a high of 63, but at noon the thermometer on the porch pillar said it was in the high forties.

The farmyard gleamed under a gray November drizzle, though the light rain didn't seem to bother Waddles and Widdles, both of them hefty porkers now. They had a very nice sty of their own, but they wee free-range piggies, and they enjoyed nosing around to see if any of the other animals had perhaps dropped some fodder or corn or a corned-beef sandwich or something.

Dipper stretched and said, "It's good to be back."

"Yeah," Wendy agreed. "Funny. I know that Soos has added onto the Shack a lot since the first summer I worked there, but somehow it seems smaller to me."

"I noticed that, too," Dipper said. "Maybe it was the bed."

"Hey, if it's too uncomfortable, I can sleep in Mabel's old bed!"

"I thought it was very comfortable," Dipper said, putting an arm around her waist. "At least twice."

"We would've made it three times if we hadn't lost sleep the last few nights."

"Tonight for sure."

"Dipper, can I tell you a secret? I like it when you talk semi-dirty!"

That made him laugh.

But Wendy's mind was still running on the odd phenomenon of shrinking buildings: "My house looks little to me now. My old bedroom is tiny! And when we drove past the high school, I thought, 'How come it's so little now?' What causes that, Dip?"

"Guess it's just that we're all grown up now."

She rubbed his back. "Maybe. Sometimes I don't feel grown-up, though."

"Me, either," he said. "When I saw Mabel and Teek going into her room to spend the night—oops."

"Don't worry about it," Wendy said. "Aunt Sallie's Second Sight probably has told her all about it already, and I don't think the pigs mind."

"Yeah, but, you know—I wasn't mad or anything, I just felt sort of—I don't know. Like Mabel's too young for that, but, man—we're the same age! Anyway, I felt sort of displaced in time. I really can't explain it."

"Know what you mean, man. When Soos said he wanted us back at the Shack next summer, I nearly squealed like a little girl!"

"It makes me happy, too."


That evening they had a big family dinner, hosted by Ford but catered by the Willetts, a nice older couple who had retired from owning and running a restaurant but kept up a catering business. They really liked the Pines family, largely because they always insisted that the Willetts dine with them. Fiddleford and his wife also visited, and it turned into quite a party.

Alex broke the news that he had been sitting on: His company had bought out a smaller computer concern, and he was being promoted to Manager of Development, at a significantly higher salary, plus stock options. After the mandatory congratulations, he said, "I start in the new position in January. One of my biggest concerns will be to develop useful applications and any hardware support needed. I was wondering, Dr. McGucket, if you'd consent to serve as an occasional consultant."

"Me?" McGucket asked, blinking. "Why—shore. 'Long as my boss man here don't mind none."

"Of course I don't mind!" Ford said. "But I warn you, Alex, your problem will be that Fiddleford will shoot you twenty-five ideas for new developments, and you won't know which one to start on first!"

"That's just what I want," Alex said. "We'll work out the details later, Dr. McGucket, but I've been told I can offer top rates for consultants."

"Hot diggity!" Fiddleford said. "Don't git me wrong—I love the teachin' at the Institute, and it makes me feel young myself to be dealin' with so many bright young'uns—but now I got something to take up my spare time!"

Mabel announced—again, and then again—that the church service for Dipper and Wendy would definitely be the day after Christmas. "That way, the twins will nearly have two Christmases! One Christmas and the next day a family anniversary!"

"Twins?" Wanda asked, blinking.

"Not yet, but just wait!" Mabel said. "Oh, it's gonna happen! I got it from a reliable source!

She wouldn't go into more detail. After dinner, Lorena and Sheila got together with the Willetts—they were going to cater the big Thanksgiving meal that would include them all, as well as Soos's family, and they were going to be sure to prepare venison as one of the dishes, to use the Manotaurs' special gift.

To be on the safe side, Ford had run a basic analysis of the Gnome jams, and they were, paranormally speaking, inert, and so safe for human consumption.

Wendy and Dipper walked up the hill to the Shack under a sky of broken clouds, with stars peeking through at them. Off in the hills somewhere a wolf—more likely a werewolf—howled. A few Gnomes scurried out from under the Museum porch as they approached, probably having just taken care of the field mice that almost always came in from the wild at that time of year. Anyway, the Gnomes were munching something.

"Now it really feels like home again," Dipper said.

They went up to the attic and prepared for bed. Snuggled tight against each other—necessarily in the narrow bed—Wendy thought to Dipper, Dude, we're pretty good at keeping pacts, right?

We sure are. We held out for at least three years until we were married!

So I've been thinking, it's time for a new pact. You game?

I trust you, Magic Girl. What is it?

Been thinking about growing up and even growing old. Let's never do it, OK? I mean, we can't help getting older. But inside—let's stay young for the rest of our lives.

That sounds great to me.

It's a deal then. Solemn pact, man. Now—where were we?

Planning to try for three times?

Just three? Pssht! Four, if you're man enough!

Four? I don't know if I am. But anyway let's see—let's go for it!

Wendy, giggling, consented.