These are not my songs. Remedy by Adele; I See You by Missio.
Rachel sat in class, head in hand, her attention everywhere but the teacher and the riveting lesson on the War of 1812. Neither Santana or Quinn were at school because they had a standing date with the Lima justice system to officially clear them of all charges. For the second time. Puck was doing community service, something he conveniently forgot to mention until the last minute, and LJ and Tori were both sick after drinking spoiled milk. Honestly, Rachel had no idea how they missed the expiration date, but it was said and done. So, she, being the star student that she was, went to school to avoid being stuck watching them vomit all over the place like her poor unfortunate father. Rachel was also just going to get everyone's homework, but it also meant she was forced to sit next to new people. One of them being…
"Hey, so I was thinking we could hang out later?"
Rachel glowered. She turned to Kurt and said, "My answer hasn't changed from the first time you asked ten minutes ago."
"Oh, come on. How can I get the chance to prove I'm still your friend if you won't let me?"
"Who said I wanted you as a friend?"
Kurt sighed. "Look, after Finn died, things changed. I realized I was being a complete jerk and I want to start over. Plus, you didn't even give me a chance to prove myself. You went straight to Santana and Quinn, even though I did nothing wrong."
"I think you're remembering my arrival a little differently," she said wryly.
"All I'm asking for is one night, one chance. You, me, Tina, and Mercedes. We can have that girls' night in that we've always wanted to do. It'll be fun."
Rachel looked Kurt in the eyes. Part of her knew he was being genuine, but the other half just didn't trust him. Hell, beyond her family, Rachel was having a hard time putting her trust in anyone. Kurt, no matter what he said, would always be a memory to her.
"I said no."
"Why not?" he asked angrily.
The bell rang.
Rachel shrugged and stood up. "I don't trust you," she said.
She grabbed her things and left the room, ignoring the anger on Kurt's face. The day passed relatively slowly. Rachel avoided Kurt, he chased her down the hall, and she used every trick in the book to not get caught by him. But he apparently decided to change his methods. Rachel had her head down, trying to zip up the jacket she stole from LJ's closet, so she missed Kurt standing in front of her. She missed the two massive cups in his hand. She missed the sudden silence in the hall. All Rachel remembered was looking up and getting hit with 24 ounces of straight ice water. It wasn't as vicious as a slushy, but it still stung like a-
"Bitch," he spat. "All I've ever done is have your back. I cleaned you up after every slushy. I listened to you whine and moan about Finn, about Puck, about Quinn, about Jesse, about Santana, and about your fathers."
Kurt threw the second cup and tossed both on the ground. "I was there for you after Jesses kicked you out of his house after you whored yourself out for a fucking solo. I was the first person you came out to and I watched you get drunk and run off with some rando in some sick sense of gay panic. I took you to the clinic to get tested. I've done EVERYTHING for you, and you turn your back on me for what? For two sluts and a prison junkie. Not to mention the two PSYCHOpaths you call siblings."
Rachel stood there, frozen. Not because of the water. Not because of his words. Not because of the silence in the halls. No, Rachel was furious. Red hot rage pulsed through her veins. She opened her eyes, ignoring the sting of the water, and clenched her fists. Several students stepped back as she started to tremble. Not only had Kurt outed her secrets, but he also insulted her family. She didn't scream at him. She wanted to, but she didn't. She let her hair frame her face and something inside of her broke. She laughed.
Kurt's face shifted into confusion. Rachel tipped her head back and laughed so hard she felt it in her stomach.
"Dude, I think you broke her," someone whispered.
"She was already broken, fucking psycho," someone else muttered.
That snapped Rachel out of it. She snapped her head to the side and hissed, "I was never broken. I was hurting. I was embarrassed because you and the people of this town seem to think that if someone isn't a jock or a cheerleader, they're a loser and should be treated as such. You all think you know the story, know what happened that night, but none of you were there. None of you heard what he said. None of you saw what he did. But the moment a good enough reason gets whispered in your ears and settles in your tiny brains, you run with it like the group of Forrest Gumps you are. So don't FUCKING push me, because I promise you that if you want to end up like the man in the diner, I can arrange it."
The student paled and wet himself in the hall. Rachel turned her eyes to Kurt, who was standing there, stock-still. He tried to step away, but Rachel was faster. She grabbed him, kicked out legs, and dropped him to his knees before her. She snaked her hand through his hair and held on tight. He winced.
"As for you," she said softly. "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm not even going to scream. Do you want to know why?"
Rachel bent down and whispered in his ear, "Because once word reaches the two sluts, the prison junkie, and the two psychopaths I call my siblings, you'll be tied to the flagpole with your dick in your mouth."
She leaned up and looked Kurt in the eyes. She released his hair and he took off on a dead sprint. Rachel stood up straight. She felt a presence behind her and already knew who it was.
"I assume you need to see me in your office?" she asked.
The person placed their hand on her shoulder and said, "Actually, I think it'd be best if you just went home for the rest of the week, Miss Berry. I'll file the paperwork tomorrow."
She nodded and shrugged off Figgin's hand. She made her way through the parted crowd and didn't break her stride when she saw Sue and Emma standing in the front office.
"Rachel?" Sue called out. "Rachel! Where are you- what the hell is going on? Why are you soaking wet?"
Rachel heard her questions but ignored her. She walked straight to her car, got in, and drove. She passed the house Leroy was renting, where her siblings were recovering. She passed the janky courthouse. She saw Quinn's car and Santana's car. Rachel drove past Hiram's house. She drove past the church, past the diner, past Emma and Sue's house. She just drove and didn't stop, until she reached the park at the edge of town. She parked and got out of the car. She made her way into the clearing and sat down on a bench.
And she screamed.
Leroy found her an hour later. He told the rest of them, sans Quinn and Santana, to just wait. He knew where she'd go. It was where she went when things got too much. He walked through the grass, bag in hand, and he sat on the opposite side of the bench. Rachel barely lifted her head, but he knew she knew he was there. He unpacked the pasta, the breadsticks, and the salad. He fixed her food the way she liked and sat it in front of her. He pulled out the wine, poured a healthy amount in two glasses, and waited.
Sure enough, she lifted her head and started eating. He nodded and ate as well. The two ate in silence, not a word was spoken, and when she finished the wine, he refilled her glass.
"I thought you didn't want me drinking wine," she muttered.
"We both know you're as much of a lush as I am. It would be fruitless to stop you," he said.
Rachel snorted. They went back to silence. Leroy finished off the breadsticks and reached back down into the bag. He placed a large slice of chocolate cake between them and placed her fork on her side of the table. He wasted no time in eating. Rachel picked up her fork and ate with him until there was only icing left. Leroy grimaced and threw the rest in the bag. She and her father shared the love of cake but hated the icing.
"When I was sixteen, a couple of months before the incident, I gave my virginity to Jesse St. James so I could win a bet between me and Kurt. I won, I got the solo, and we won the competition, but Kurt was the only one who knew what happened."
Leroy said nothing.
"Two weeks later, I came out to Kurt. He took me to a bar that was notorious for letting underaged drinkers in, I panicked about being a lesbian, and let some random guy take me home. I ended up having to go get tested a few days later and was diagnosed with an STI. It cleared up fairly quickly, and that was the end of it."
Leroy just raised his eyebrow, but still said nothing.
"I'm in love with Santana and Quinn, but I'm having a hard time fitting into their dynamic and they're having a hard time adjusting to mine. We can't even go for two hours without a fight."
Leroy drank from his glass.
"Puck's father is a sick and twisted individual that I dream of killing."
Leroy inclined his head. Everyone knew that.
"I hate you."
That…was what he was waiting for. He sighed and put his hands on the table.
"Why?" he asked.
"You took away my voice," she said. "You stopped singing with me. You let him take your voice away and in return, you took mine. You stopped coming to my rehearsals, my recitals, and you stopped taking me to see musicals. You stopped sneaking me downstairs at midnight to watch a movie just because I couldn't sleep. You stopped playing the piano and trying to get me to guess the song. You TOOK MY VOICE FROM ME!"
Leroy reared back when Rachel slammed her palms on the table.
"I HATE YOU FOR LOVING HIM! FOR STAYING WITH HIM! I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME GO TO SEATTLE! I HATE YOU FOR HAVING LJ AND TORI! I HATE YOU FOR NOT BEING MY BIOLOGICAL DAD! WHY-
She stopped and screamed again. Leroy rushed across the table and grabbed her. They fell into the grass, but it didn't matter. He just held her.
"Why couldn't you have picked me?" she cried. "You never picked me. It was always him. It was always him. You never stood up for me."
Leroy cried as he held her. He didn't know what to say. He had nothing to say. All he could do was hold her.
The sun was setting when Rachel shifted. Leroy was stiff and sore, but it didn't matter. Rachel looked at him with guilt and he shook his head.
"Don't. I'm not mad," he said. "I'm ashamed. I didn't see it."
"See what?" she croaked.
"You. I didn't see you. I kept seeing how strong you were, and I pulled away because I thought you could handle it. But I was wrong. I was so wrong." He brushed her hair from her face and sighed. "My baby girl. I should've seen it."
Rachel laid her head on his chest. "I'm always going to need you, Dad. I've always needed you. You're the reason I sing," she said. "And you're also the reason I don't."
His heart broke at that.
"But you're the reason I'm willing to try again," she said.
Leroy looked down at her in shock. "What?"
"I'll start singing again."
"You- you a-are?" he stammered. "But-
"Despite what I said, I don't hate you. I was angry. I am angry, but I'm tired of being angry. It's suffocating me. And if I don't move from it, I'll drown."
A beat of silence.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah, baby girl. Okay."
Rachel smiled. "Cool." She sighed and added, "But you're going to have to help me with the other thing I mentioned."
"The Santana and Quinn thing?"
She nodded.
"That's easy. You three are trying to date versions of yourselves that don't exist. You're all seeing each other as the girls you were before you left. You're in love with the real you, but your brains haven't caught up yet."
Rachel frowned. She opened her mouth but closed it. He was right.
"T-thanks," she said. "That… unfortunately helps."
"You'll be fine. I never said the love wasn't there. But it's buried beneath past memories and past hurts. Understand who you all are now, and go from there."
Later that night, Rachel sat on the bed in her new bedroom. There was a piano in there, completely unrelated to the conversation she had with her dad earlier in the day. He put it in there in hopes she'd play it without him, but now realized he'd rather her play it with him. But he was at Sue and Emma's. He dragged LJ and Tori with him, and Rachel was alone. Which is what she wanted. She needed to figure out how to handle Quinn and Santana, and it hit her later that she'd better do it the best way she knew how.
A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. She turned and got off the bed. She unlocked the door and moved to the side. Santana walked in first with Quinn behind her. She closed and locked the door once they were inside.
"This is…nice."
Rachel rolled her eyes good-naturedly at Santana. "It's not even decorated yet. I know it looks like shit," she said.
Santana nodded in agreement. Quinn pointed to the piano.
"I thought Hiram sold your piano," she said.
"It's new. Dad recently came into some money and bought a new one." Rachel glanced at Santana, who looked away, and added, "But whatever he did, I'm glad he did. We're officially free of Hiram."
Rachel walked over to the piano and sat down. She pointed to the bed and they got the hint. Rachel had no idea what she wanted to say, but she figured a song would help. She played the keys and forced down that initial rejection that usually came with singing. Instead, she thought about the first time she knew she loved Santana. The song was nothing like she was used to, but she heard it while unpacking and knew it was exactly how she felt about Santana.
I remember all of the things that I thought I wanted to be
So desperate to find a way out of my world and finally breathe
Right before my eyes, I saw my heart, it came to life
This ain't easy, it's not meant to be, every story has its scars
Santana was her vicious one. Quinn was cold, but Santana was like pure fire when she was angry. She'd said so many things to Rachel that made her cry the night away, but Rachel knew when it was coming from hate and when it was coming from fear. Santana had a bad habit of hiding behind vitriol when she was scared. A habit Rachel was tempted to rip to shreds.
But when the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see that I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see that I will be
I will be your remedy
It was something Rachel understood. She did the same thing. But hers was distant, impassive, and it took her out of the emotions. Santana just fully twisted hers and gave in, saying things she knew would hurt the other and push them away so she didn't have to deal with loving someone who could be gone. Again.
It all stemmed from her mother.
Santana lost someone that meant the world to her. And her father refused to acknowledge the damage it did. Rachel glanced at Santana and saw the girl was frozen solid. Quinn looked between the two of them, and recognition dawned on her face. She simply looked at Rachel, and for the first time, Rachel saw that Quinn knew she understood.
Rachel turned back around and skipped to the end of the song. She slowed down the song more than it already was.
When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see I will be, I will be
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see that I will be, I will be
I will be your remedy
Rachel couldn't live without Santana, no matter how much she tried. In fact, Santana was the first one she fell in love with. She was her foil, but she was her strength, her peace, and her headache. Rachel was full-on ready to confess her undying love to Santana when the weirdest thing happened.
She saw Quinn. Not the HBIC, but the real, Quinn. The dork, the goofball, the sweetheart. She was the one who melted Rachel while Santana riled her up. They both made her weak in so many different ways. And then, she fell in love with her too. Her heart had split in half and went two separate ways, but came together in one single conclusion:
She couldn't live without either of them.
Rachel closed her eyes and changed the song. Her tears fell on her fingertips, but she ignored them. The song was hard to do without a drum, but Rachel had been playing the song for a while, just never performed for anyone. Especially not the person she arranged it for.
I see you when you're down and depressed, just a mess
I see you when you cry, when you're shy, when you wanna die
I see you when you smile, it takes a while, least you're here
I see you, yes, I see you
She let herself smile. Quinn was the enigma. The wild one. The one who dealt with never being good enough, but always being above the rest. She was the one who pushed herself to be the better person but tore people down to make sure it stayed that way. She searched for attention in everything, but Rachel saw her each time. She always saw her.
I see you when you hide, and when you lie it's no surprise
I see you when you run from the lie within your eyes
I see you when you think that I don't notice all those scars
I see you, yes, I see you
There was always that one flicker in Quinn's eyes when someone touched a nerve or touched a heartstring. Always that desire to flee. Rachel cocked her head and lowered the pitch. It wasn't that she couldn't hit the note, but she always started crying when she got to the end.
Even when you cry and even when you're shy
You mean everything to me
Even when you lie and even when you hide
You mean everything to me
I see you
Yes, I see you
I see you
Even when you cry and even when you shine
Yes, I see you
Rachel stopped the song and exhaled. She made it through, but it was definitely…
"Oof!"
Rachel hit the floor hard with two bodies on top of her. She groaned as someone's elbow dug into her stomach. Santana's head popped up first, followed by Quinn. They were both crying, and Rachel felt immensely uncomfortable with the emotions welling up inside of her. She had hoped they would let her speak first, but that was obviously not the case.
"You sang," Quinn whispered. "You sang. For us."
Rachel winced. Oh, that's why they were looking at her like that.
"I missed your voice," Santana said.
"Me too."
Rachel nodded slowly. "As much as I love having you on top of me, this position is painful," she wheezed.
They scrambled off of her and pulled her off the floor. She groaned and stretched out her back before she was unceremoniously pushed onto the bed. Santana and Quinn stripped off their hoodies and shoes before they climbed into bed with her. She wanted to ask about court, about their day. The two wrapped around her and she sighed. They weren't going to sleep, but deep down, Rachel figured they needed the touch. Which was really-
"Stop thinking so loud."
"How did you know-
"Because I can feel your heartbeat."
"And I can see your jaw clenching."
"I just-
"Baby," Quinn interrupted. "If you want our raw reactions, you're not going to like them. Okay?"
Rachel frowned but also blushed at the term of endearment.
"What Quinn meant to say was that you're not going to like them because we won't be able to explain ourselves afterward."
"Huh?"
"Just…hush and let us hold you. Please?"
"Fine."
