AN: I was planning something else and... it ended up this way in the end...

Scene: Aman has a nightmare and Kartik consoles him, talks about adoption starts!

Warning: Auto corrects and typos are always behind my back so please forgive me for any mistakes. And please don't get mad at my attempt at typing Hindi, it is NOT my First or Second language so I am prone to make mistakes.

The night was silent and everyone was asleep bar from one person, who was lying down in the dark, trying to muffle their sobs, trying to stop shivering badly while constantly whispering "Kartik mujhe maaf kardo." Kartik, who had woken up to the muffled sobs and shivering, gently hugged Aman from behind, muttering sweet nothings to get him to calm down. (Kartik please forgive me)

Sometime after the sobs seemed to have calmed down, Kartik gently turned Aman around so that they were face to face, their foreheads touching, looking into each other's eyes. "Kya hua?" Kartik asked gently, love, concern and worry shining in his eyes. "Kuch nahi" Aman muttered, breaking the eye contact as a silent tear escaped him again. (What happened?) (Nothing)

"Phir kyon ab ro rahe ho tum jaaneman? Kyon chupa rahe ho tumhare dard mujse?" Kartik asked as he leaned up and placed a soft kiss to his forehead before looking into his eyes again. Aman just shook his head and let out another sob, shifting so that he could place his head on right above Kartik's heart and crush him in a hug. Kartik just helplessly held onto his strong boy, staring at the always calm and composed one breaking down in front of his. (Then why are you crying my love? Why are you hiding your pain from me?)

'Is that how he feels whenever I wake up from a nightmare? Helpless and useless, not knowing what to do other than just pick up the broken pieces and silently try to fix it together?" Kartik wonders as he looks down at his love still sobbing, his own heart shattering slowly with each sob. Its not like Kartik hasn't seen Aman break down, he will vehemently deny that but... he will agree that this was the first time that Aman had a breakdown at this scale at it scares the shit out of him.

Slowly the sobs started to calm down to heavy breathing and hiccups and Kartik sat up slowly, bringing up Aman along with him and slightly tilted his head up so that they are seeing eye to eye. He just gently wiped the tears off and cupped Aman's face.

"Abhi toh kaho na ki kya hua? Kisi liye main tumhe maaf karna hai? Tum ne toh kuch galat hi nahi kiya" Kartik said softly. Aman just snuggled closer and sighed, burrowing his face into Kartik's chest again, seeking the comfort from Kartik's steady heart beat. (Will you at least tell me now what is bothering you? What should I forgive you for? You haven't done anything wrong)

"Woh din jab papa ne tumhe maar rahe the... maine bhaag gaya tha. I know, tune bhi kaha ki it was not my fault and all par... kayar ke tarah feel kartha hoon baagh jaane ke liye... aur ladaayi na karne ke liye... kabhi kabhi yeh sooch aati hai ki kya hua hoga agar mera papa ne... succeed kiya, what if it had succeeded in breaking us? Sab mera galti hota." Aman said, most of his words muffled by Kartik's chest but still was loud and clear for Kartik,who was just rubbing small circles on Aman's back.
(That day when papa was beating you... I had run away. I know, you have also said that it was not my fault and all but... I feel like a coward for running away... for not putting up more fight... sometimes I think about what would've happened if papa had... succeeded in breaking us? It would've been my fault)

"Kabhi kabhi yeh sapna bhi atha hai ki tum mujse naraaz ho, nafrat karte ho aur koshish na karne ke liye, kayar ke tarah baagh jaane ke liye, and then you break off with me and what's worse is that mujhe lagtha hai ki I deserve it tumhe woh chot dobaara paunchane ki, ki I don't deserve your love if I can't stand up for it, I just... mujhe nahi patha ki main yeh sab kyoon soch raha hoon par... I know ke in a small part of my brain main yeh sab feel kartha hoon and I hate that I think like that, I hate myself for it, for hurting you again, for... everything!" Aman cried out and jerked himself out of the embrace and curled onto himself and cried.
(Sometimes I dream that you are angry with me, hate me for not trying more, for running away like a coward and then you break off with me and what's worse is that I feel like I deserve it for making you go through that once more, that I don't deserve your love if I can't stand up for it, I just... I don't know why I think or feel like this but... I know that in a small part of my brain I feel this way and I hate that I think like that, I hate myself for it, for hurting you again, for... everything!)

Kartik tried to reach out to Aman slowly, gently placing his hand on the other's shoulders and slowly pulled him into a hug. "Aman, mere taraf dekho" Kartik said softly, trying to pry his hands off his face after a while. Aman stubbornly refused to move from his position, not wanting to look at the pity and helplessness in Kartik's eyes. (Aman, look at me)

"I let both of us down Kartik, I broke the promise I made to myself the moment papa started hitting you. All my fault" he said. "Arey mere pagle masterji, meri taraf toh ek baar dekhlo na? Sirf ek baar mujhe dekkar meri baath sun, phir tumhara yeh self pity session ko resume karlo." Kartik said and Aman peeked through his hands, eyes resting on Kartik. (Arey my dear masterji, look at me once? Just once look and listen to me, then you can go back to your self pity)

Kartik just pulls him closer and pecks him on the lips. "Tumhi toh hamesha kehte ho ki bure sapne aana toh inevitable hai, aaj toh tera baari thi. Tum kal bhi mera stongest baby tha, aaj bhi mera strongest baby hai aur hamesha you are my baby strongest. Iska matlab yeh nahi hai ki tum humesha strong rehna chaahiye. Kabhi kabhi main bhi tumhe support karna chaahiye na?" Kartik paused, collecting his thoughts.
(You are the one who always says that bad dreams are inevitable, today it is your turn. You were my strongest baby yesterday, you are my strongest baby today and you will always be my baby strongest. It doesn't mean that you should be strong always. Even I should support you at times no?)

"Allahabad mein jo bhi hua, woh tera galti kabhi nahi hoga. Yeh toh papa aur meri galti hai. Maine papa ko naraaz ki aur unhone pyaar se samjane ki wajah danda le liya. Shaayad agar tum us din baagh nahi gaya na, mujhe nahi patha kya hua hota. Tumhara dard toh mujhe patha hai baby. Parivaar se ladna bohot mushkil hota hai. We all have our breaking points. Ek dil hi hai humare paas. Kisi ne dono taraf se use keecha toh obviously dard hogi na?" Kartik asked, running a hand through Aman's hair.
(Whatever happened in Allahabad, it will never be your fault. If anything, it will be papa and I's fault. I made papa angry and instead of trying to make me understand with words, he took up his danda. Maybe if you hadn't run away that day... I don't know what would've happened. I can understand your pain baby. A fight with your family is always hard. We all have our breaking points. We only have one heart. If people start to pull it in different directions then you will obviously feel the hurt and pain?)

"Teri koi galti nahi hai isme. Agar tumhara papa ne jeet gaya woh din, it would be because of me. Maine hi tumhe mujhe wahaan lekar jaane ke liye zid ki, maine hi tumhe train main kiss kiya, maine hi waapas aakar shor machaya tumhara ghar mein. Aur tumhe patha hai na ki tum mere sab kuch ho? Kaise chhod saktha hoon tujhe kabhi? Batao mujhe? Mera pyaar mein vishwas nahi hai kya? Kyon itna self hate karte ho? Mere liye tum kaafi ho. You didn't let anyone down that day. Dimaag mein register karlo woh baath. Main tumhe kabhi nahi chhod kar jaaunga unless and until you want me to leave." Kartik said firmly, waiting for the message to sink in, placing a kiss on his forehead again.
(Nothing is your fault in all this. If papa had succeeded that day, it would've been because of me. I was the one who pestered you to take me there, I was the one who initiated the kiss in the train, I was the one who came back and stirred trouble in your home. And you do know that you are my everything? How can I let you go? Tell me? You don't believe that I love you? Why are you hating yourself this much? You are enough for me. Drill it into your head. I will not leave you unless and until you want me to leave)

"Par..." Aman trailed as he looked into Kartik's eyes, his eyes glassy from the fresh tears that threatened to flow. Kartik just put a finger over Aman's lips and positioned him to lay down and got on top of him. He could still see the doubt and self hate shining in his eyes and he felt the immense need to reassure his strong baby. He was determined to share Aman's pain, he couldn't believe that Aman had bottled up so much and was releasing it all right now. This was Aman's breaking point, he love drowning and he was going to help him out.

"Focus karna mujhpe, dhyaan se suno meri baath, kuch math sochna, kuch math bolna. Bus mere baaton mein focus karna." Kartik said and kissed his forehead. "Mujhe aur koi nahi chaahiye life mein" he said as he kissed his temple. "Mistakes happen, jagda hogi bohot, par it doesn't mean that main tujhe chhod kar jaaunga" he said, kissing his nose. Aman had closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath.
(Focus on me, listen to me carefully, don't think of anything, don't talk. Just focus on what I am saying. I don't want anyone else in my life, Mistakes happen, there will be a lot of arguments but it doesn't mean that I will leave you and go)

"You are my baby strongest, you are my better half, the one who knows me better than myself" he said, placing a kiss to the lips. "Mere kaali zindagi main tum roshni ki tarah aaye." he said as he lightly kissed his chin. "Thank you for coming into my life. Agar tum nahi hota... patha nahi main kya kar raha hota ab" ha said, pressing in the pendant that was hanging on Aman's chest.
(You are my baby strongest, you are my better half, the one who knows me better than myself. You came into my life like light piercing through the dark. Thank you for coming into my life. If you hadn't... I don't know what I would've been doing right now)

"You didn't let me down, kabhi nahi. You are the one who is my rock, the one who saved me from drowning, the one who has always brought me up, never let me down" he said, a hand tracing the lines of Aman's body while he nipped at the collar bone.

"Tumhi ne mujhe sikaya ki rona buri baath nahi hai, ki I don't have to be the strong one all the time. Aur it is applicable to you also. Mujse tumhara dard baatna koi buri baath nahi hai. Us dard ko chupana hi bohot buri baath hai" he said, slowly kissing his shoulder blades. (You are the one who taught me that crying is not a bad thing, that I don't have to be strong all the time. And it is applicable to you also. Sharing your pain with me is not a bad thing. It is trying to hide that pain that is bad)

"Ab tum mera pati ho, tumhara family ne hume accept kar chuke hai, humara relationship bhi illegal nahi hai. Aur kya chahiye?" Kartik asked, slowly coming down and flicking his tongue over one nipple and lightly sucked it while he rolled around the other nipple in his hand, revelling in the soft moans and whimpers that Aman let out. (You are my husband now, your family has accepted us, our relationship is not illegal. What else do you want?)

Slowly he released the nipple and was now eyeing the tattoo and gently kissed it, trying to pour out all his love and feeling in that one kiss "Yeh tattoo jo humne Goa mein banvaliya, that is us, our reality, our happy ending. Mujhe aur kuch bhi nahi chaahiye. Mere liye tum kaafi ho." he whispered over the tattoo. Aman just ran his hand through Kartik's hair, shaking due to the sheer amount of love and care Kartik was showing. (This tattoo that we got done in Goa, that is us, our reality, our happy ending. I don't want anything else. You are enough for me)

He suddenly pulled Kartik into a bruising kiss, completely raw, trying to convey whatever he was feeling then, the love, the regret, the passion, the everything into that one kiss, ignoring the rest of the world. It was just the two of them, trying to pour their every emotion into that one kiss.

It was the need to breathe that finally made them break the kiss, breathing heavily as they looked at one another. "Thanks" Aman said. "Chalo theek hai, ab so ja, kal toh..." Kartik said. "Haan haan, theek hai. Mummy papa ko phone karna hai" Aman said. (Ok, lets sleep now, tomorrow...) (Yeah, ok. We need to call mummy and papa)

As they laid down, Aman turned to face Kartik, who seemed to be lost in thought. "Kya soch rahe ho?" Aman asked. "Kuch nahi" Kartik said, turning to face away. "Nahi, kuch toh soch rahe ho, this is your thinking face, I know it." Aman said, turning Kartik back to face him. Kartik tries to change the topic but Aman doesn't let him so finally he relents and shares a thought that had been on his mind from past few days. (What are you thinking about?) (Nothing) (No, you are thinking about something, this is your thinking face, I know it)

"Woh bachchon ki baare mein soch raha tha... Un sabko haste hue dekh kar ek chain sa aata hai mujhme, soch aati hai ki humara bhi ek bachcha shaayad adopt kar sakthe hai... chahat hai par..." Kartik pondered. (I was thinking about the children... just seeing them laugh bring some peace in me, I was thinking about what would happen if we ever adopt a child... I want it but...)

"Adoption?" Aman asked, eyes wide. "Jaanta hoon ki it is too soon, shaayad tumhe usme interest nahi hoga par... never mind, chhod do." Kartik waved it off. (I do know that it is too soon, maybe you are not interested in it but... never mind, leave it)

"Kartik, waisa kuch bhi nahi hai. It just took me by surprise. Aur tum tumhara baap jaise nahi hoge. Anyone who has seen you interact with the children will tell you that. Par hume kuch research karni hai uske baare mein. Kal subah yeh sab discuss karlenge. Abhi ke liye so ja" Aman said, stroking through Kartik's hair till the both of them fell asleep. (Kartik, its not like that. It just took me by surprise. And you won't be like your dad. Anyone who has seen you interact with children will tell you that. But we will need to do some research about that. We will discuss about it tomorrow. Go to sleep now)

The next morning, after a small chat with their parents, Rajni and Kusum called them to have a little chat. "Hum... kuch din pehle kuch discuss kar rahe the..." Rajni started. "Hum adoption ke baare mein soch rahe the" Kusum said. (We... some days before we were discussing about...) (We were thinking about adopting)

"Jaanti hoon hi it is early to decide on doing so... legalities hogi and all that par... we are thinking about it" Rajni said. "Hum bhi kal raath uske baare mein discuss kar rahe the, the only problem is that it's not legalised for same sex couples, shaayad future mein hoga par ab it is not. Research karni padegi ki koi advise de sakthe hai ya nahi iske baare mein. Koi bandha hoga Delhi mein jise hum yeh baath kar sakthe hai..." Kartik said.
(I know that it is early to decide on doing so... there are legalities and all that but... we are thinking about it) (Even we were discussing about it last night, the only problem is that it's not legalised for same sex couples, maybe it will be in the future but for now it is not. We will need to research more about it, look if someone can give advise about it. There will be someone in Delhi who will be willing to talk about this…)

And they started their research, searching for the right person who can give them the advise and Aman was the one who found it. "Mil gaya humara bandha." Aman declared with a smile as everyone got around him to see who it was. (We got our person)

A/N: Hope you all like this chapter! All comments and criticism accepted and appreciated! This fic is betaed by girl. with. passion! Any prompts are welcome! Thinking about whether to give an interlude with the Goggle Kusum talk & Kartik and the children relation or go ahead with my major twist...

Thank you all for reading!

Rasi10 signing off

Published on 18 March 2020