The Cruelest Type of Lie
Lapis' P.O.V.
The next day, you could say was one of the worst and confusing days of my entire life.
The day started out like every other day. I woke up, did my stuff, took my pills, gave Jane her food, and went to school. I had actually forgotten to do my homework so I did it in the morning while I had a small breakfast. I grabbed a Quaker chocolate chip bar and stuffed it into my backpack.
Like every day before I leave, Jane looks at me as if pleading for me not to go. I simply crouch down and assure her that I love her and that I'll be back. I place a kiss on her forehead as she closes her eyes, and then I'm gone.
I have my first few classes before it's time for lunch. I don't eat anything because the food is something to be feared. But I watch Amethyst and Ruby eat. They ask me questions about where I was yesterday and I tell them that I was at home. They ask me what I was doing and I tell them that I was doing homework. Amethyst, being Amethyst, isn't going to let me off the hook. She keeps asking me questions and stuff until my beloved and idiotic Prince Charming arrives to make things worse.
"Hey Peridot, so why don't you tell us more about your mystery lover?" Amethyst asks with a sly smile.
Even though Sapphire has bangs that cover her eyes, I feel her eyes on me. I sneak a glance at her. She is as calm as ever, but I feel like I'm suffocating. If this necklace we're any smaller, I probably would.
"What do you want me to say?" he asks. If I didn't kill him last night, I'll kill him today.
"I don't know, maybe who she is, " Amethyst suggests.
"Nope" he responds.
"Ugh! Okay, then, what does she look like?" she asks.
"Oh, well, " he looks at all of them and then at me and then back at Amethyst.
"She's really pretty, " he says. I hope I'm not blushing.
"She's very beautiful even though she doesn't like to admit it. She's very modest you could say, " he starts.
"She has these beautiful eyes, they're so big and deep and if you guys knew who it was you would agree, " he says, "Mon amour is also very smart. As I said, she copies off of me sometimes, but she has good grades and her test scores aren't bad."
I am very tempted to say that I am very bad at math and science. Mostly math. But that would give me away, wouldn't it? Now I have to sit still, tolerating as Prince Charming indirectly compliments me in front of everyone. It's embarrassing.
"What does she look like?"
"A human being, "
"C'mon!" Amethyst yells.
"Well, I'm not wrong. I'm not going to date a spider, " Peridot says trying to defend his 'witty' answer. Ruby nods while Amethyst laughs.
"True though. Good luck trying to fuck that!" she says as she continues to laugh. I find her response quite inappropriate and irrelevant. But it reminds me of my own doubts about being a good girlfriend. I push those thoughts away. He is still with me, and this necklace is material proof that he does love me. The way he looks at me and talks to me is also proof that he loves me. He's waited years for me not knowing whether he would ever see me again, but he waited. And he's mine.
"At least I don't have to fuck you, " Peridot says to Amethyst. It's my turn to crack a smile even though it was an uncalled-for response. She makes a face but then keeps laughing.
"I guess you're not wrong, " she says.
Amethyst is very weird. Then again, I'd like to see the first person who isn't.
After lunch, I go to the rest of my classes. Last, I have social studies or history or whatever. Like every single day, Amethyst copies off of my work because she sits right next to me. I plead for her to write it in her own words because. It appears that sometimes when they say that they have it under control, it turns out, that that is when they most need help. I'm talking about Amethyst, of course.
After class, Amethyst asks me to wait for her. I do, which means I'm like ten minutes late. I would almost be at my house by now. If I were walking fast. Which I would be doing anyway for no reason at all.
We go out and down together. She speaks about stuff and asks me questions. All that stuff. To be honest, I don't know how she gets involved in so much drama. Why can't she just do her own thing and not get involved in so much shit? It's really not that hard. All you have to do is nothing. I think even she can handle that.
I'm not really involved in much either. Blue doesn't really count because it's not me. It's her independent relationship with her boyfriend. I'm just her friend, I have nothing else to do with it nor do I want to. It's too much work to have to keep up with everything and I don't think I have the patience or will to deal with everyone's bullshit. And their stupidity. We cannot forget about their stupidity. I'm stupid too, but I don't get into stupid situations because I have nothing better to do. I definitely have better things to do with my time, hate my life and complain about everything, for example.
We get out on the yard and I know better than to wait for Peridot out here. We almost always meet up at my house except for the few times we have walked together.
Amethyst notices people huddling around and she pulls me over.
"Do we have to go?" I ask.
"Well, everyone else is going, " Amethyst says.
"We aren't everybody, are we?" I ask.
"Well, you're definitely not, " she says. I simply roll my eyes. Perhaps Amethyst isn't the easiest to get along with, but I am sure that if I needed her help to back me up against someone in a fight, she would definitely have my back. I think.
She looks around and grabs the elbow of the sleeve of some guy that passes by.
"What's so interesting?" Amethyst asks him.
"Your little friend is with a girl, " he responds. Amethyst's face immediately lights up while I have no idea what is going on. She literally squeals. I become scared.
"Come on!" she says as she grabs my sleeve and drags me.
She pulls me and I have to use the nonexistent good coordination I have to move out of the way of people. And for what? For some stupid guy kissing a stupid girl. I cant believe these people just show off in public. I'm trying to go home and you're doing thus stuff in my way, like what the fuck?
When I look at the guy and the girl, my entire world crumbles apart. The boy who said he loved me, stands there, in front of the crowd kissing a girl I don't even know. He doesn't even pull away. In fact, he puts his hands on the side of her face, holding her so tenderly and lovingly. It almost looks like he enjoys it, like he likes it. Because he does. Because it's something I can't give him.
They look so natural together, it's as if she were his girlfriend. Her hair is long and black, beautiful. Her skin is a little dark, but fair nevertheless. Her figure is thin and small. She's pretty. And what am I?
I'm a joke. That's what I am. I'm Prince Charming's fucking joke.
The worst part is that I can't do anything. Our relationship or whatever it was, was a secret. I'm the other. I'm the second choice. Why am I surprised? Why would anyone choose me first?
Like the unimportant and invisible person that I am, I slip away into the shadows. Amethyst doesn't notice that I leave. I doubt anyone notices, much less cares. Peridot doesn't seem to notice me either.
I walk fast. For the first few moments, I don't know how to feel or how to respond. Everything was so sudden and there was nothing there that would have told me it could have come to this. But I should have guessed.
I fall apart when I'm closing the front door. I ignore Jane and throw my backpack on the floor. My phone rings in my pocket and I pull it out. Amethyst. I decline and throw my phone on the couch but it bounces off and hits the floor. I don't care and pass it by. I move upstairs and close the door leaving Jane out.
Seven years ago, I was raped and infected with HIV. I was doomed to live with an incurable virus in my body for the rest of my life. Four drunk teenagers raped me on my birthday, and another one watched. The judge gave them less than two decades but the one who watched got out in seven years. No justice was done for me. I watched my life wither away as what was left was thrown off a dark and neverending abyss. I went mute for months, I went through a depression at the age of ten and until now. I had to go through therapy, I tried to hurt myself because I felt worthless. Then came a boy who said he loved me, he brought the moon and stars down at my feet and going against of my better judgment, I let myself fall. And I fell hard.
What do I do now? Do I cry? Do I scream?
"I'm a fucking fool!" I yell. I hear Jane bark but it's not my priority.
I start taking my hoodie off, the hard way. I pull the hood and then bend down. I put the hood under my foot and pull myself up. It takes a minute of struggling and I hear a door slide open. I pull myself up and look at Peridot who slides the balcony door close.
"Are you okay?" he asks. I keep down a sob. Hot tears stream down my face. He was just kissing another and he has the audacity to come and look at me like nothing happened.
I stand there, with my short sleeved white t-shirt. Without hesitation, I pick up my sweater and throw it at him. He's startled but catches it after it hits his chest. I look around for something else to break or throw at him. But I know one thing that would hurt him more than any vase to the head.
My fingers curl around the necklace around my neck. I only got it yesterday. Things change so quickly. Even the most beautiful rose can shrivel up so quickly under a fake sun.
"Lazuli, stop, " he says. He knows what I'm going to do, but he can't stop me.
I pull it and it breaks. I throw it at him. It hits his chest and he catches it. He looks at me but I can't stand his gaze on me after what I just saw. I turn and run to the bathroom. I hear his footsteps behind me, but I close the door behind me and lock it.
"Lazuli!" he yells. I cry on the floor.
There's nothing for me to do. What's the point in crying over a lost cause?
Maybe this wasn't meant to be. It was meant to fail from the beginning. Who can love me? I'm an unattractive teen with depression and HIV. I'm a pathetic excuse of a girl.
I get up and start searching through the drawer. Anything that could kill me instantly. But all the cleaning products are in the supply closet.
"Lazuli!"
I look behind the mirror and see my pills. I take them.
Can they kill me? I don't know, but I'll try.
I struggle with opening them. They slip and fall, but I bend down to pick them up.
"Lazuli, what are you doing?" he asks.
Opening my pills had never been hard before, but now, it seems like the most difficult thing. My hands slip and the cap doesn't budge. Tears fall from my eyes.
I hear something click and everything in my goes cold.
I make one last attempt to open the bottle of pills before Peridot puts an arm around and and takes the bottle. I wiggle my arms out and try to grab it, but he holds it high with an outstretched arm and he is taller than I am.
He looks at it for a moment while keeping me down with one arm. After a moment, he tosses my pills into the sink and then drags me out of my bathroom. I try to break free from his grip, but he is stronger than me.
His touch burns my skin. I kick the air, I try to hit him, but I fail. Just as I've failed at everything else. Why not fail at hitting my boyfriend too. He's not even my boyfriend. This was all a joke, a fucking game. I don't even know what's real.
My entire world crumbled apart less than fifteen minutes ago. I don't know how to feel. I'm not sure if I should be mad, upset or, I don't know. But everything in me feels like it's turned into a liquid. Everything looks different to me. The world looks like it did seven years ago. New and different, but for the worse. It looks full if new dangers, it's a world I don't want to be in. If I had somehow found any good in the world, it's completely gone. Gone because the man who said to have loved me, the man who said to have loved me since we met when we were kids, just proved something different.
Prince Charming is just like the kings from the time in which Europe was a monarch. The king would have a wife for political benefits, and a concubine or mistress for sex, desire, and love. I'm the mistress. Perhaps he may not have a girlfriend everyone knows about, but he is with other girls while no one knows about me. But if a mistress didn't please the king, the king would simply get another mistress. Prince Charming has become the king. I don't please him anymore. He's simply replaced me. And I have no choice but to accept my failure once again.
I shouldn't be surprised. It all ends up here eventually. It was all too good to be true.
He holds me in his arms even though I struggle. He is firm but I don't give in. Eventually, I grow tired, and my moves become more sluggish. Only then, does he let me go.
"Lazuli, " he says my name so softly and with worry. If I hadn't seen what I did, I would sincerely think him to be concerned.
I don't give him any time to finish. I yell cheater and slap him harder than I though I could. When I slap him, it feels good. I feel better, and I know he deserves it. For a moment I think Sapphire was referring to this moment. She foresaw everything and let it happen. But I don't focus on her because I immediately regret it.
I gasp and cover my mouth. He holds his cheek and looks at me shocked. More tears fall. Now I feel guilty. Even after what I saw, I know I should hate him, but I love him. I do, I really do love him.
Peridot doesn't deserve it because he made me hope. He made me believe he loved me, that he cared for me. Things were different because I also fell in love with him, but he let me down. He raised me high up among the star, and then he let me fall. But I can't hate him. If I had seen this before, it wouldn't have hurt as much. It would have just because I had not fallen. I simply would have proved myself right. Yet now, when my heart clearly dies for him, it is even more cruelty.
My arms wrap around him and I say, "I'm sorry."
I begin to cry again before he hugs me back. I crumble to the floor, and he calls with me. I bury my head into his chest as my tears wet his shirt. Everything disappears and it's only me and everything I've failed to be. Just me and memories.
People say that at the end of every night, the sun still rises in the end, and we have a brand new day full of brand new opportunities. It's a beautiful lie. A beautiful lie is the cruelest type of lie. Why? Because you are painted this beautiful oil colored painting and it's one of the most beautiful things you have ever seen. Then, once your hopes have reaches the highest they can, you fall. You fall so abruptly and you fall hard. I am trapped in an eternal winter night.
My sobs and tears rage uncontrollably. I can't be comforted. It feels like everything in me broke. I've been broken far too many times to still be able to break, but I still do.
There is a tense silence until I manage to calm down vaguely to speak, "Why did you kiss her?"
"You saw that?" he asks.
"Why did you kiss her? What's wrong with me?" I ask as the tears come back?
Everything is. Everything is wrong with me. Everything from my hair color to my blood is wrong. What can he possibly find attractive in me? Nothing. There is nothing I can brag about. I can't brag about being pretty, tall, smart, or athletic. I am nothing. I am worthless.
What kind of guy would ever want to be with a girl that's been raped and has HIV? No one. Everything in me is wrong. No guy wants fo be with a girl who has issues to trust or a girl who was once severely depressed or a girl who tried to take her own life. I'm a mess, and people don't like to deal with messes. They prefer to live a life without any problems.
"There's nothing wrong with you. It's me, "
It's one of the most overused phrases ever.
"I'm sorry. I made a bet and I-I-I didn't think it through. I swear, " he tries to justify himself.
"I didn't know you were going to be there, " he finishes. He wouldn't have told me about his little bet if I hadn't seen him.
He pulls me away to look at me. There are a few tears in his eyes, but he's not crying like I am. He puts his hands on the side of my face, as he did to her. My tears fall on his hands. I put mine on his wrists.
"I wasn't thinking. It didn't mean anything, I swear, " he says. It's so hard to believe him even though every part of me wants to.
He broke his promise, just as he broke me.
The next thing I do is something I never thought I would do, especially under a circumstance like this. I break my own rules.
I kiss him. We're both on the floor, and tears stream from both of our faces, but I still kiss him. The kiss he had with that other girl doesn't matter anymore. It still bothers me, but right now what's more important is this. The fact that I love him and I'm willing to forgive him because I love him.
He doesn't respond to my kiss. He pulls me away and looks at me, shaking his head.
"Not like this, " he says. I don't like it. I don't like it because I know he's right. I didn't let him kiss me before, and I only let him now because I love him and I couldn't bear to lose him. Nor would I bear to lose him for my own fault.
I simply accept it and hug him. My tears fall silently.
"What were you going to do?" he asks me. My mind was a mess of confusion and sadness that were drawn my the anger I was feeling, but I knew exactly what I was doing.
My silence is all the answer he needs.
"I'm sorry, " he says again after a moment. He really does say it with guilt and shame. But taking the pills were my choice and my choice only. And I don't regret it.
I really can't take another disappointment.
I'm like a person who has grown too old. I've been through this already for so long, I'm tired, and I can't keep doing it. Disappointment after disappointment, I'll snap eventually, as I did now. The difference is that when I snap, no one will be able to stop me. I know what I'm capable of doing to myself, it scares me, but it's a small euthanasia that will horrify the world. To the world it will be a horrific way of leaving, and coward way, but it's the most honorable thing to admit that you have no fixing.
In war, spies were given suicide pills. If they were caught, they took the pill before they could be interrogated and tortured. So they don't give anything away. I may not have the title of soldier, but I'm still fighting a war.
"Haven't you ever wanted to end it all?" I ask in a low voice. My voice is cold and void of emotion. He stiffens.
"Of course I have," he says it in an embarrassed way.
"When my dad left, it was too much for me. I took my anger out in everyone else," Prince Charming explains, "But this isn't about me."
"No, its not. Its about the poor raped teen who only wants attention," I say.
All she's looking for is attention! Why do you think she dyed her hair and is failing most of her classes?
Its what my mom said when I fourteen. I was struggling in school. Everything was hard for me, and everyone's jokes weren't helping. That was around the time I dyed my hair for the first time. I was struggling so bad and I wanted help but I didn't want to go back to therapy. I didn't want more medicine. The pills for my HIV are more than enough. Of course, my mom thought I was doing it on purpose to get attention.
"What are you talking about?" he asks me.
"Nothing, " I respond.
We sit like that for the rest of the evening. There's mostly silence even though we speak once in a while. The silence is bearable, and even after what happened earlier, it feels good to be in his arms. I forget about everything and almost fall asleep. I only do realize how much time has passed when he moves beneath me.
"Lazuli, you're parents will be home soon," he says.
It's too soon. The time we spend together is too short and I long for him too much.
I grab his arm, "Don't leave-" I'm about to say me, but think better of it, "-please."
I hold his arm and look up at him, pleading, begging, for him to not go. To not leave me alone with my thoughts.
"You're parents-" he starts.
"They won't find out. Please. You told me you didn't like to be in your house. Stay. Tomorrow is Saturday," I hope I can convince him. He looks at me, he can't tell me no. I know he wants to stay, but his judgment and nerdiness make him question if its the best choice.
The part of me that has seen the world and it's people for what it is, wants him to leave. But the hormonal teenage part of me wants him to stay. Every part of me longs for him, but what they tell me is different. I want him to lay down beside me, and sleep with me, and when I wake up, I want him to be the first thing I see. It's fucking cliche. But I don't want to be alone. Especially not under these conditions and circumstances.
He takes a moment to respond.
"I'll stay, " he says. I smile and hug him again.
We don't do homework. After all, it's the weekend. We have until Monday to do it. There are more important things than homework.
When my parents come home, Peridot hides in the bathroom while my dad comes in and Jane climbs on my bed. I pretend to be reading while my laptop sits next to me, Jane sniffing it. He asks me how school was and everything. I respond with half of the truth.
"It was good, " I say.
"That's good, when's parent-teacher conferences?" he asks. Fuck!
"Oh, umm, I don't know," I say.
He starts saying something but I don't hear. I remember that I broke the necklace Peridot bought me only yesterday. It's completely ruined because of me. I don't know where it is. It's probably somewhere on the floor, lying there broken and destroyed. A small meaningless trinket that isn't supposed to be worth more than it's price. But it does. We tend to get attached to material things that have a certain worth to us. We don't get attached because it's pretty, or it's expensive, we get attached because it represents something to us. Something we don't want to forget. Sometimes we do so subconsciously, other times we know exactly what it means.
After my dad leaves, Peridot comes out a minute later. He looks at the door before looking at me. He comes and sits on my bed, next to me.
"You're nervous?" I whisper, trying to lighten the mood.
"I'm in the younger girlfriend's room. Of course, not, " he says. I lay my head on his shoulder and give a small smile.
"You've never done this before?" I ask. He shakes his head. He puts a hand under my chin and then hold my face in his hand. His thumb rubs my cheek. Even though his gestures of affections make me feel good, I want more.
"Are you hungry?" I ask him.
"A little, " he answers.
"I'll try to sneak you something up, " I tell him.
He waits for me as I go downstairs and decide to make an egg and cheese roll. Half for him and half for me. If I would have gotten cereal, my mom would have probably said something about it. Something around the lines of you're wasting the fucking cereal. Obviously, I have to make my sandwich myself. My mom is busy doing other stuff. Stuff that has nothing to do with me. But that doesn't bother me, on the contrary. I hope she stays like that all night. She's done so for the last seven years, she'll handle it for another night.
After I'm done, I grab a cup and fill it with water. Then I go upstairs. Jane follows me in while Peridot comes out of the bathroom. He gets startled when he sees me come in.
"Are you okay?" I ask him.
"Yeah, " he answers.
I put the plate on my bed and the cup on the night stand. He does on the bed while Jane also jumps on top.
I go to the bathroom. I use it and watch my hands, but before I leave, I notice that the small storage space under the sink is slightly open. I bend down and open it. Nothing is really out of place, but it's noticeable. Peridot was in here, he was probably searching for something. Nothing is taken, just moved by a millimeter. I check behind the mirror and find my pills back in there and again, things slightly moved.
It comes to me slowly, that be wasn't searching for something in specific, he was just making sure that nothing in here could hurt me. After my episode earlier, he doesn't want to take any chances. I don't blame him. I may not be an all powerful protagonists from the books, but I am definitely unstable.
My phone rings and I go outside.
"Its Blue," he says.
I haven't talked to her in the last two days. Yesterday, rehearsals were most probably canceled because she spoke to Jamie, unless something else happened. She didn't call me yesterday, nor would I expect her to, but I don't know what happened.
I out a finger on my lips, gesturing him to be quiet. I answer and put it on speaker. I put it next to me ear, Peridot also huddles close.
"Lapis, " she cries.
"Are you crying?* I ask her.
"Yes, but-but, that's not the point. I need your help, " she says.
"With what?" I ask. If it's about math and science, I'm not the right person. And if she's calling for advise on love, I'm not the right person either.
"I'm going to tell you something, and I need your help because I don't know what to do, " she says. She takes a moment to calm down. I don't say anything and only listen. I fear for what she may tell me. No one cries for nothing.
"Okay, so umm, I talked with Jamie, and-and, that's why rehearsals were canceled. We talked. And, well, I didn't say anything. It was him. I wanted us to keep trying, but he-he, he told me that we should take some times to collet ourselves. Whatever that means, " she sniffles.
"You guys broke up?" I ask.
"No. No. Of course, not. He told me we should just take a break. To, you know, figure things out and calm down. But that's just it. There is nothing to figure out! All I want is for you to be attentive, why cant you fucking get that?" she says.
"Is tha-" I start but she interrupts.
"But that's not all! " she says.
"Lapis. No one, hear me! No one! Can ever know, about what I am about to tell you. Not unless I give you permission or I tell first. Got it?" she asks. I nod, but she can't see that.
"Yeah, " I say as I look at Peridot. Once again, I tell him to say nothing.
"Lapis, I don't know how it happened. I just might have sort of had sex with Jamie's cousin, " she says. Both Peridot and I widen pur eyes.
"What?" I ask in surprise. I have to out my hand on Peridot's mouth to stop him from making a sound.
"I know! I can't believe it myself! I fucking hate myself, but the problem is I, I... Ugh! Why is this so fucking hard?" she asks herself?
"Umm, I-" again, she doesn't let me finish.
"The thing is, I liked it, " Blue says.
"You what?" I ask. She cheated on her boyfriend with his cousin, and she liked it. How can someone do that? It's true that he didn't pay attention to her, and asked for a 'break', but still.
"I know! I feel so bad, and confused. This guy is a douche bag, but I really, really liked it. And him!" she says. I have never been in a more uncomfortable situation. I've been in some pretty awkward situations, but this is even more uncomfortable because it's not me. It's her. I know I can say something wrong or tell her something and she may take it the wrong way. Or I may give her wrong advise or she may misunderstand and do something else. Or worse. I could give her advise, and she could take it. Then there is the chance that it may go wrong.
"Umm, what's this guy's name?" I ask.
"Kevin. Real douche bag, but very hot and very wild, " she says. I don't think she's crying anymore.
She keeps telling me stuff and repeating other things. Peridot starts eating his half of the egg and cheese sandwich h.
"So anyway, what do you think?" she finally asks. Everything she said shocks me. Peridot looks as surprised as me.
"Umm, well, Im not sure. Are you going to tell Jamie?" I ask her.
"ARE YOU CRAZY??" she asks. I put my fingers on the audio holes at the bottom of my phone to stop it from sounding so loud, "Of course not! But I'm still not sure of what I'm going to do."
"Well-"
"Are you free tomorrow?" she asks. Peridot is staying with me over the night, but I cant tell her that.
"No,"
"How about sunday?" she asks me. I look at Peridot.
"I-"
"We can go to the mall and get manicures-" she says. I cringe at that thought, "and pedicures and all that stuff. I just really need to talk to someone and get everything out of my system."
"You don't have to pay anything, as long as you're there. I'll pay if you want," she says. I feel bad. I don't want her to pay for my stuff.
I think about it for a moment. If I go, it will definitely be uncomfortable because I'm not use to all of that stuff. I find that doing my nails is a pain and a nuisance in putting on and getting off. Besides, it will be the mall.
"Okay," I say even though I am not completely confident in my decisions.
We say our goodbyes and I hang up.
"You are getting a manicure?" Peridot asks me.
"That's the first thing you're asking?" I ask him as I grab my half of the sandwich.
"Well, yeah, but I guess I really can't say anything else on the other thing, right?" he says.
Once I'm done eating my half of the egg and cheese roll, I grab the cup of water and take my pill. I then take a pair of pajamas and head to the bathroom. I change into a pair of black sleeping shorts and a comfortable yellow t-shirt. It's the first time Peridot is seeing me without a pair of jeans and a hoodie. I tell him he can wash his mouth with listerine in my bathroom while I say goodnight to my parents.
Jane follows me as I say goodnight and bring the plate of the egg and cheese roll down. It takes my mom a moment to even acknowledge that I exist, but once she does she gives a forced kiss on the cheek. I wish she wouldn't, but if she wants to keep her charade up of 'present mother' I guess I can't say anything about it. It would be easier on all of us if she wouldn't fake it. My dad knows I exist and gives me a sincere hug and wishes me goodnight.
Once I am back in my room, Peridot is sitting on my bed with one of my books in hand. I let him read while I brush my teeth and undo my hair. My hair is waist-long. It's very thick, which only makes it an even bigger nuisance.
After I finish, he puts the book at my desk while I take the blanket out. I sit down while he takes his jacket off. I too, proceed to take my bra off. It may be very uncomfortable being that my boyfriend will be sleeping right next to me, but since it reduces chances if getting breast cancer, what am I going to do about it?
Peridot notices what I do, but says nothing about it. He turns the lights off as I lay down and snuggle into the blankets that cover me. He sleeps to my left, his back is to the balcony door.
He slips into my bed right next to me after taking his glasses or visors or whatever off. He takes my hand and squeezes it. I snuggle closer to him until my head right under his jaw. His hand leaves mine as he cradles me. With one hand, he plays with my hair, while with the other one, he keeps me close.
I feel as though I were doing something forbidden or dangerous. Most likely because I am. There is a nineteen year old boy in my bed. Anyone who knows we are unmarried teenagers of the early twentieth century would be scandalized at the idea. If they were not from the twentieth century. I myself feel like I'm doing something wrong.
"I like your hair," he whispers. I don't say anything even though I smile.
There is another moment of comfortable silence where all he does is hold me. That's all he needs to do. Hold me. Hold me and not let go. His fingers comb my hair while mine are against his chest.
He is strong. Prince Charming is strong, handsome, humorous, extremely smart, and protective. He's my prince charming. Mine.
"If I asked you to marry me, would you accept?" he asks me even though this has nothing to do with marriage.
I don't look at him but wait, hoping that he would whip out a diamond ring out of nowhere, get down on one knee, and ask those words again as cliche as it might sound. But when I wait for it, he doesn't do that. My prince is simply silent, awaiting my answer.
Marriage. Of course, I have thought about it. I've imagined a future where Peridot and I are together. A future where we get our happily ever after. But it seems to soon, and it seems to good to be true. Nevertheless, I would give in without a doubt.
"Yes," I whisper back. I can't tell whether he's grinning or smirking, but I know he's pleased with my answer.
"Lapis Lazuli, I love you," he whispers through the dark.
I say the three words I thought it would be impossible for me to ever say. The three words that take the most courage, the three words that can make or break. The three hardest but most important words I'll ever have to say.
"I love you too," I whisper back before I fall asleep.
The Next Morning
Lapis' P.O.V.
I have a nightmare. It's been a long time since I have one of those. They're very random. Yet they are all almost the same. In each nightmare, I am raped and no one can help me. What varies is my age and sometimes who rapes me and things like that. I am seventeen in my nightmare, but I can't see the face of my rapist.
I plead for it to stop. But they don't have any pity on me. They whisper sick things, and touch everywhere. I feel like dying again. It's embarrassing and humiliating.
I wake up, sweating and panting. When I find that someone is holding me, I feel like pushing them away on instinct. Then I remember that it's Peridot.
Dreams never get easier to handle. Especially since they're so random. I had them a lot more frequently when I was ten and eleven.
I try to forget about my dream and everything that happened yesterday and try to focus only on this. The fact that Peridot is here with me.
He is still asleep. I watch as his diaphragm rises and falls. His arms are still around me under the sheets. I put my hand on his chest, right above where his heart should be, and I feel his heartbeat. It soothes me even though it is only a steady beat that must stay constant to keep me alive. This is real. As much as his heartbeat.
I still can't believe he is here, with me. I can't believe he really loves me, he's really here. He's willing to stay. He loves me, I can't doubt it. I can only fear that his love for me may not be enough or may end quickly. I can't let that happen.
I am able to raise my head enough to look at his neck. His chin still rests on my head. I've never seen Peridot sleep apart from that one time when he got jumped after a fight. The sight of all those bruises and cuts on him horrified me more than anything. The sight of him in pain horrifies me as much the sight of him sleeping calms me. I place a small kiss on his neck. He barely moves.
I cuddle closer to him, taking his heat in. I put my hand on his arm and outline his muscles. His arms aren't grossly thick, but they are big and strong. My hand slips under his sleeves and up to his shoulder.
Nothing bothers me. Not that he's older, not that he's a boy, not that he kisses another yesterday, or that I'm different, or that I'm not wearing a bra. He respects me, only goes as far as I allow him to.
I spend another hour and a half just laying there in his arms, taking in his warmth, and feeling his heartbeat before he wakes up.
"Bonjour Sleeping Beauty, " he whispers as he stretches and then firms his grip in me.
"Buenos dias, to you Prince Charming, " I reply.
"It's still too early, " he complains.
"I woke up before you, " I say.
"What time is it?" he asks me.
"Do I look like I know?"
"I can't tell because I'm not looking at you, but I'd say you looks as beautiful and clueless as ever, " he says.
"Shut the fuck up, " I say.
He shifts. Peridot separates from me and pulls me up until I'm just a little over eye level with him. Under the sheets, his left hand pull me closer as I wrap my leg around his waist. I really am smaller than him. His hand goes up my waist, to my back, and it settles at the back of my neck.
His bright forest green eyes are clearer and brighter without his visors on. His hair is a mess. I'm sure mine is no better though.
"Since when do you use glasses?" I ask him.
"Since I can remember. I'm not sure uf you know this about me Lazuli, but I use to read a lot," he says.
"Like your life depended on it," I add.
"I use to read to you," he says as his fingers tucl a strand of hair behind my ear.
"And don't even get me started on the singing," I say.
"You liked it," he puts a hand on my bicep and pulls me closer until our noses touch.
"A little,"
"Just a little? You would sing too," he says.
"Shut up," I say, "Do want to know one of the only thing I have never seen you do?"
It perks his interest as he raises an eyebrow, "What?"
"Play an instrument," I say.
"Oh. That. Well, I've tried, bu its not really my thing," he says. I look at him.
"Nah. I don't believe you. You probably can't, can you?" I insinuate.
"I can if I wanted to, Lazuli," He says. I laugh.
"I've never seen or heard you play an instrument," I say.
"I can sing," he says.
"So can I. And I'm bad at almost everything I do. That's not saying a lot, Prince Charming, " I say in an as a matter of fact voice. He raises an eyebrow.
"I still wonder where you got that nickname from," he says.
"Snow White. A cliche and the prince barely did anything but kiss the dead corpse of a fourteen year old, but it suits you," I say as I run my fingers through his blond and smooth hair.
"The original story is a lot more gruesome," he whispers.
I smile, "Please do, continue."
He smiles and caresses my cheek.
"The prince actually asked the dwarfs to take the fourteen-year-old princess because he thought she was too beautiful. He saw she was so beautiful because the dwarfs thought she was too beautiful to bury which is why they put her in a glass coffin," he starts.
"That's too much beauty," I say.
"Anyway, he took her and kept an entire room dedicated just for the coffin with the princess. It doesn't specify how much time passed, but after some time, it was either a servant that his the corpse in the back or the prince that was doing god knows what, that caused a piece of an apple to come out if the princess' throat. So they got married, " he explains.
"So, he could have been... you know?" I ask him. He nods.
"But we'll never truly know, " Peridot adds.
"How old was this guy?" I ask.
"I'm not sure, but he was definitely older than her by a significant amount, " he says.
We lay there, just staring at each other as if nothing else mattered because nothing else should. Nor our differences nor what we have in common. All that matters is us, and this moment. A moment that can last forever, or be destroyed by a single choice. Which is why I can't live like I have all the time in the world. I would be foolish to think that I do.
I put my hands on the side of his face as he has so many times done to me. My lips press on his, and he doesn't stop me like yesterday. His arm on my waist grips me tighter and pulls me closer. Even though I've been eating more, I am still skinny and my waist couldn't be bigger than a foot.
One of his hands touches my bare back but goes no further. My fingers go into his hair. It's so soft and blond, much nicer than my hair which if it were my natural color, would be dull. Dull and rough.
We separate and he smiles, but looks like an idiot in doing so.
"That's a nice way to start off my Saturday morning, " he says.
"I love you, " I say.
"That's a first, " he says. But his smile fades quickly and dissipates into a frown.
"If that was about yesterday-" I don't let him finish as I plant another kiss on his lips.
"No. It's not, " I respond once we are separated. I hug him and rest my head on his chest. I take a deep breath before continuing.
"I just realized that there's so much against us, " my voice is small, but firm, "My mom, me, your obsessive stalker, and so much stuff."
It may seem like something so insignificant. But the more I think about it, the more I realize how dangerous the game I'm playing can turn out to be. I think that acknowledging how wrong this could go is better than thinking every single thing is going to my way. Because let's me honest, I don't remember the last time things went my way. Even the things that turn in my favor always have a catch and are always risky.
I am very much afraid of everything that can happen, but that's why we're here. That's why I asked Peridot to stay. In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take. I don't want to die tomorrow regretting not having loved as I am loved. I won't.
There are times when I regret things I've said or opportunities I didn't take. But I won't let this be one of them.
"Don't let it get to your head, " he says.
"I won't, " I reply.
Before I can say any more, a phone rings. He turns and picks his phone up.
"It's mine, " he says.
It's also Luke. The phone rings as Peridot debates on whether or not to pick up.
"You didn't call him last night?" I ask.
"No, "Peridot answers.
"You're so stupid, " I say.
"So you went from I love you, to you're a retard. You've reached a new level, Lazuli, " he says.
"Fuck you, " I say as I grab my bra and head to the bathroom. I'd like to see what excuse he comes up with this time.
