Chapter 38/40


Awkwardness seemed not to be a stranger to Lexa anymore. It sat heavy on her shoulders, it surrounded her, filled her with warmth and a too close heat that bordered somewhere between comfort and burning flame.

She found herself sitting in a chair of metal body and Skaikru fabric skin that seemed so very unnaturally smooth. Each movement she made caused the quietest of squeaks to escape, the sounds enough to make her think she sat upon a mouse, a small forest rodent or child's plaything. It wasn't even the first time she had sat in that chair, it wouldn't have even been the first time she noticed all those things she did. But perhaps right then, in that moment, she would forgive herself for taking note of everything she did.

Alexandria sat opposite her, eyes crinkled at the corners as she smiled. Klark sat to her right, body still battered and bruised, beaten but healing and Nessa lay in the bed she had come to know as home, propped up by large pillows and a bandage still wrapped around her neck.

If Lexa squinted hard enough, if she ignored the bruises and cuts across Klark's body, across her knuckles where she had crashed her fist against the mirror. If Lexa ignored the quiet beeps that echoed out around her, and the wounds that still covered Nessa head to toe. And if she so chose to ignore the many warriors she had stationed throughout Arkadia, that were an ever present reminder of things. If she ignored all those things? She could pretend that the conversation and the company she shared in was so very domestic.

And yet it wasn't for Klark was still hurt. Nessa was still mending, and warriors so very prepared to kill at a moment's notice, stood not five paces away.

Lexa turned her attention to Dhorma who sat in his own chair a little ways off. In his lap was Nessa's knife she had gifted her, its edge slowly being sharpened by the whetstone Dhorma ran down its length. Even Nessa's old knife, the one she had given Klark, was in Dhorma's lap, the old warrior seemingly taking it upon himself to sharpen and to maintain their weapons for the time being.

It was with that thought that Lexa turned her attention to Klark though. And for just a moment she found herself taking in the way Klark sat jus a little awkwardly in her chair, the hidden weapons Lexa had demanded her seamstress hide clearly not yet becoming a comfortable companion for Klark. She wouldn't let Klark leave them behind though, not anymore. Perhaps one day she would allow Klark to walk freely, without guards, but she didn't think there was a day under the sun, and a night bathed in moonlight that she would let Klark ever walk the earth without some kind of weapon to protect herself. Not after everything that had happened. Not after all the progress they had made, however small that may be.

"Lexa?"

She jolted as she heard her name called and she realised she had been staring somewhere a little too intently at Klark's chest as her mind tried to think of another place she could have another weapon hidden.

But it wasn't Klark who had called her name, and as Lexa quickly averted her gaze she found Nessa looking at her expectantly, eyes narrowed as she waited for whatever answer to the question she had asked.

"Sorry, Nessa," Lexa said and she straightened herself in the chair and smoothed her expression as she ignored whatever pointed look she could feel was upon Klark's face. "What was your question?"

Nessa sighed, or it sounded as close to a sigh as she could muster given her injuries. Alexandria tutted a quiet reprimand and Lexa found herself unsure if she should smile, or if she reprimand her sister.

That thought was strange though. She cared for Nessa deeply, but in the last few weeks she had spent more time with her than ever before. Lexa didn't know how to act, she didn't know how to respond to so many different things Nessa did. And that fact seemed to saddened her thoughts, but she kept those emotions locked behind walls deep in her mind. She would address them at a different time when Nessa wasn't near.

"Is it true I will get to stay in Polis tower?" Nessa asked, and she lifted her chin as if to challenge her to deny what she said. Lexa knew she shouldn't encourage Nessa's mimicry of her, she knew she shouldn't let Nessa get away with too much. But for now, she would humour her sister. She'd been through enough to deserve a little respite.

"Yes," and Lexa let the corner of her lip twitch up. "And you will have your own room, Nessa."

Her sister nodded her head just enough that the motion was visible before she winced and settled a little deeper into the pillows. But a frown seemed to be forming on her face, and from the way her eyes darkened Lexa knew Nessa's memories must have been taking hold.

Dhorma had told her that Nessa would at times startle awake, would cry out for help in her sleep, would even ask for Jaxta as she woke before remembering what had happened.

Lexa couldn't know for certain, but as she looked at Nessa, as she looked at the way her sister's jaw clenched, she found an idea beginning to take hold. Perhaps it could make things worse, perhaps it could make Nessa feel more than she already did. But for some reason Lexa didn't think she would.

"Jaxta's family lives in Polis," Lexa said quietly, and she watched as Nessa blinked back tears. She even sensed Klark's body stiffen just a little at that, and not for the first time Lexa found that she needed to remind herself that Klark had lost a friend, however brief their friendship had lasted, just as Nessa had. "They would enjoy meeting you, Nessa," and Lexa made a mental note to see them first. She knew they had already been informed of Jaxta's passing. But she truly believed they would wish to see Nessa alive and well, at least to know that Jaxta's death was not in vain.

"I would like that," Nessa said with a sad smile. "Very much."


Clarke stayed quiet for most of the time Lexa spent talking with Nessa. It was in part because there was still an awkwardness they needed to address, and in part because she thought Nessa needed the time to get to know her sister more than she did. And Clarke found herself loathe to interrupt what time they now had.

It didn't surprise her when Lexa politely bowed out from their presence with words of needing to patrol, and of needing to organise her warriors. Truthfully, Clarke actually believed Lexa had things to do. Nessa seemed to understand, too, for she simply smiled and nodded her head in much the same way Lexa and Alexandria did.

And so Clarke found herself sitting in the same chair, her ribs just a little aching, her wrist still a little sore, but her mind more at ease then it had been weeks earlier.

"How long is the trip to Polis, nomon?" Nessa asked quietly.

"A few days," Alexandria said, "but it will take us longer."

Clarke didn't need Alexandria to explain why, Nessa seemed to understand, too. Nessa sighed then, and she shifted in an attempt to get a little more comfortable, and Clarke couldn't help but to feel just a little sorry for her. She didn't think Nessa had been able to move around much at all given her injuries. She wouldn't even be surprised that Nessa had remained forcibly held in bed under strict orders since arriving at Arkadia.

"I have been stuck here for so long, nomon," Nessa groaned, and Clarke fought the smile that threatened to creep up onto her face.

"You are mending, Nessa," Alexandria said, she crossed her arms and her face seemed to almost dare Nessa to complain again.

Nessa took a moment to consider what was said, and Clarke could almost see Nessa consider arguing before she discarded the thought. Alexandria seemed to be able to tell what Nessa considered too, for she smirked, the expression so very familiar before she relaxed back into the chair.

"You will have plenty of time to explore Polis, Nessa," Alexandria said.

"But it is not Arkadia," it almost came out a grumble, and Clarke looked away in an attempt to hide her smile. She didn't want to encourage the girl.

"Arkadia's not that great," she said, and she saw Nessa's eyes snap to her with something between betrayal and dismay.

"It must be," Nessa said, and Clarke found herself feeling just a little spike of guilt at whatever imaginations of Nessa she may have just dashed.

"Most of it's broken," and Clarke gestured around them. "This is the most exciting place, Nessa," and she gestured to the screens that flickered in the distance, she gestured to the lights overhead and to the other hospital beds. "When we're all better I'll show you around, how about that?" Clarke added, if only because she didn't feel like souring Nessa's mood more than it had already.

"Good," and Nessa seemed satisfied with that answer.

And with that the topic changed to something lighter, something a little less burdensome, something Clarke found herself enjoying so very much.


Lexa stood leant over her war table, her hands resting against its edge and her gaze moving across the map. Ryder stood opposite her, his own gaze taking in all he saw.

"Warriors are already in the forests," Ryder said eventually.

"Yes," Lexa said with a nod. "I do not think Azgeda will attack us as we return to Polis."

"I agree," Ryder answered with his own nod. "It is wise to keep warriors in the forests though."

Lexa took a moment to calm her thoughts as she began turning from one scenario to another. At times she felt like her mind, her thoughts and her feelings couldn't keep up with the drastic change to the situations she found herself in. Not even half a day ago had she felt herself break apart as she waited to hear what Klark would say. Not even a few hours ago had she been unsure of where they had stood, she had been relieved, frightened, anxious and any other emotion she dared not display too openly. And now she found herself needing to lock those emotions behind doors so strong that nothing could escape lest it cloud her judgement.

"And Tobias and his rangers?" Lexa asked then.

"They are moving through our lands, they should arrive within two days."

"Good," Lexa would feel more comfortable with more Trikru warriors guarding Arkadia and the Mountain. The clans wouldn't question that either, both places so deep into Trikru lands that no one would be able to argue against Trikru warrior presence. But she wanted more warriors near, if only because she didn't trust Azgeda. Not that she thought the clan foolish enough to give her obvious reason to act. But she thought it better safe than sorry.

"Have the warriors prepare to leave soon," Lexa said eventually, her jaw clenched and her mind frayed. "I will have Skaikru healers check Klark and Nessa once more then we will leave," and she paused to think, to consider if she had missed anything. "Send warriors to their home," Lexa didn't feel like she could say her nomon's or even her family's it didn't feel right. Even saying nomon to anyone else seemed so uncomfortable for her. She knew Ryder understood whose home she spoke of, too. Who else could she be talking about? "Collect everything they can, pack it all. I wish for it to be brought to Polis."

"Yes, Heda," Ryder said, and he nodded his head.

But the sound of approaching feet caused him to look up and towards the sound. Ryder ducked out of the tent with just a few long strides before she heard his voice. But he stuck his head back in, eyes squinting as they adjusted to the rapid changing of the ambient light.

"Klark is here, Heda," he said.

Lexa nodded as she stepped away from her table as Ryder ducked out of the tent before she heard Klark be ushered in. It surprised her to find Klark standing at her tent's entrance, two plates of food in her hand, and a small flask of drink tucked against her side.

"Klark," Lexa didn't know quite what to say at whatever image stood before her.

"You disappeared," Klark said after a moment, her voice just a little hoarse, perhaps from the stresses of the day, perhaps simply because she was tired.

"I had things that needed to be seen to," Lexa countered carefully, her gaze yet again taking in the two plates Klark held, yet her mind not ready to accept whatever that must mean.

"It's lunch time," and Klark gestured to the table awkwardly. "Can I?"

Lexa nodded and gestured to her table as she began to reach for a chair to offer Klark.

"Nessa's getting better," Klark said after she set the plates and flask down. "My mother checked her over again, she won't be able to exert herself for a while, but she'll be good enough to walk."

"I am thankful for that," and Lexa had assumed Nessa to be mending, if only because the Skaikru healers, and in particular Abby, seemed less concerned with each passing day. But hearing Klark actually say the words seemed to fill her with more relief than it should.

Lexa waited until they were both seated before she said anything. But in that silence she found herself watching as Klark pulled two smalls cups out of a pocket and settle them onto the table top before she filled them from the flask. As Lexa watched Klark's movements she found herself realising Klark sat a little awkwardly on the chair. It only took her a moment to register that fact before she recognised the signs.

"The weapon is annoying you, Klark," she said, and she tried not to let her voice carry as much disappointment as she felt, if only because she had spent far too much time choosing which of her weapons would best serve Klark.

Klark looked up at her, eyes guarded for a moment before an emotion seemed to be let free with more ease than it had what seemed like lifetimes ago.

"I'm just getting used to it," and she pushed one of the cups towards her.

"I can have another brought to y—"

"It's fine, Lexa," there was a brusqueness to Klark's words that made Lexa's mouth click shut.

"I did not mean to assume, Klark," she didn't know what she didn't mean to assume. Just that she didn't. She didn't want Klark to think she assumed anything. Not with how fragile whatever was between them was.

"No," and Klark sighed, she looked away and Lexa saw her take in a steadying breath. "No," she shrugged. "It's not that. I—" she paused, looked down at her plate of food. "Never mind."

Lexa watched for a moment as Klark reached down at her plate and picked up a slice of meat, she watched as Klark took a bite and she watched as Klark reached for her cup.

Again that awkwardness settled upon her shoulders, and again she found herself so frustratingly unsure of how to respond, of how to act, of what to say. Part of her thought it safe to say something, if only because Klark had been the one to visit, had been the one to seek her out, had been the one to offer her food and drink. But part of her, perhaps most of her, was too afraid to say anything lest she break the tentative reprieve from the hurt, from the pain, from whatever guilts and emotions she so rightfully thought she deserved.

"Sorry," Klark whispered, and Lexa found her gaze snapping back to Klark instantly.

"You do not need to apologise, Klark," Lexa answered just as quietly.

"It's so strange," Klark said, her gaze focused somewhere on the map sprawled out across the table. "I don't know how to act," and she closed her eyes and seemed to settle her nerves. "I don't know how to think. I don't know what to say, or what to do around you."

Lexa swallowed a lump that had formed in her throat.

Klark looked up at her, her eyes just as intense as they had been when they had first met.

"I thought coming here, right now, might help in some way, you know?"

Lexa nodded, perhaps because she did know, perhaps because she was afraid her voice would crack.

"I thought I'd hide away, too," Klark continued. "I thought maybe I'd just stay with Nessa and Alexandria for a while longer, be a coward."

Lexa didn't think Klark could ever be a coward.

"But then I remembered we're in this together now," and Klark took in another steadying breath.

"What do you want me to say, Klark?" Lexa didn't know what she could do to ease Klark's discomfort.

"What do you want to say?" and the challenge in Klark's voice was something between curiosity, jest, bittersweet sadness and tender longing.

"I can never take back the things that have happened already," Lexa said.

It surprised Lexa that her voice remained calm now that she dared to voice her thoughts. Part of her considered leaving her chair, approaching Klark, but she thought that not appropriate, too forceful, too assuming for now. But Lexa needed to do something, she needed to say something, anything to let Klark know how much she cared for her, how much she regretted every little thing that she had done to hurt her.

And so,

"You were never a fleeting moment, Klark," Lexa hoped she would understand.

Klark looked her in the eyes for so long that Lexa found herself trapped, found herself hypnotised by the depths of her gaze. She looked long enough that it took her a moment to realise a sad smile had formed itself at the corners of Klark's lips.

"I know," Klark said eventually. "I think that's why it hurt so much."

The words stung, but Lexa didn't think Klark said them to hurt or to wound, only to speak to truth.

That sad smile seemed to turn a little less sorrowful, it seemed to reach the corners of Klark's eyes with a bit more lightness than Lexa had seen in recent times.

"Now eat," and Klark gestured to the food. "Or I'll eat it instead."