Chapter Fifty Six
I know that I want to be here. I know that I love her and I love our girls. I don't want to risk hurting her. I thought that I was passed this. I look at the different medications which the hospital gave me and turn them over in my hands. I sigh before seeing Kyoko watching me. She says she hasn't taken a bath for a long time because the loneliness was too painful. I wish my girls could have stayed together but I understand how it might have been painful for her.
"What ab-bout this?" I ask as I show her the bottle of sedatives they told me to take and she comes over to me. She wraps her arms around me and presses her head into my chest. She breathes deeply.
"You don't have to take them if you don't want to," she whispers as she closes her eyes again and presses herself closer to me. We both know that the side effects say that they might leave me a little nauseous or sleepy or seem to lack emotion but it's better than entering a black pit of rage and waking up to find that I've destroyed multiple items in our home.
"I want the girls," I tell her and she nods. She gently removes the pill bottles from my hands and looks over them before getting two of the pills meant to relax me into her hand and a glass of water. She hands them to me and I take them. I look at her wanting to make everything better but feel a sting in my head. I have to ignore it or else she'll worry about me. I feel my left arm go a little limp and force myself to move it. She can't know about the nerve damage that I feel in it or the fact that I could have died from a collapsed lung if they didn't bring me back to life to torture me. That's the thing, two months ago I easily could have died but those two women saved my life only so they could torture me, it doesn't make sense.
No. If I continue to think about it the anger will come out and I'll just show that I'm the broken person that I felt like as a child. I feel Kyoko's hand on my upper arm and she's looking at me with concern dancing in her eyes. I sigh and take her hand. "Ca-Cann we gg-go…to J-Jappan soon."
She kisses my arm and smiles, "As soon as the president agrees to it," she tells me before admiring me and smiles. "You have no idea how much you mean to me," she tells me before looking away. "I just hope that Rose is able to forgive me for being a terrible mother," I look at her confused. I still don't know what happened between them but I'm sure that Kyoko never physically abused her, it can't have been that bad.
KyKuKyKu
It's been a couple of days since I've seen the girls and I think it's only because I feel a duty to be here as to why I'm here. I don't know what to say to the girls when I see them. I don't know if they want to see me. I just know that if Rose had behaved herself then Kuon wouldn't have had to save her. Still Rose is a little kid, she didn't mean to cause the accident that killed Kuon.
I knock on the door. I've already told Father that I'm going to visit them today. He seemed a little distant on the phone but who's to blame him. Both Father and Julie-san were doting parents who carried Kuon in their hearts more than other parents might. Whether it be out of guilt or whether they had always felt this way, I'm not sure. I think it was the latter though.
As the door opens, Julie-san embraces me and I can't help but think that even after a couple of days, she feels thinner. I look her over. She usually dresses up and puts makeup on. She usually wears very fashionable outfits that I've look at with an inspired heart and a desire to go shopping. Right now, she's dressed for comfort and her face is pale, her eyes red.
"Kyoko," she breathes out as she hugs me close. "It's good to see you," she moves into the house, gesturing for me to follow her. I walk after her and see that the girls are eating breakfast, well Ana's eating breakfast, Rose is just sort of poking at it.
"Mama!" Ana yells as she jumps down and runs towards me. I hug her close and pick her up to warmly embrace her. I see Rose looking at me and shaking. I turn away from her, I don't know what to say to her. Seeing her just reminds me that Kuon is not coming home this time. The accident she caused cost Kuon his life. "I missed you!"
"I missed you too," I tell Ana as I kiss her forehead.
"Really?" Rose asks in a quiet voice and I don't know how to answer her. Should I tell her that every time I look at her I'm reminded that Kuon is dead. I don't think she meant to kill her father.
"So," I turn back to Ana, "What have you been up to? Has Grandm-"
"We watched kid-Daddy," Ana tells me and I see Rose move awkwardly in her seat. She bows her head and starts to shake but I don't know how to comfort her anymore. I see Juile-san come towards her and feel a bit more ease in her doing so.
"I showed them some home movies of Kuo—Kuon," Julie chokes on the word and I nod.
"M-mama?" Rose asks and I try to ignore the sound of her voice. I don't want to yell at her again but I feel that frustration within me. If she had just stayed still and behaved herself then Kuon would still be alive. I don't reply and see Julie-san comfort her. That's good. If Julie-san does it then I know that she's going to be all right and I won't hurt her like part of me wants to.
"Please don't show them any more movies," I tell Julie-san whose back straightens and I see Rose run off in tears. I put Ana back down, "Maybe I should go," I say to them and see Julie-san look at me. I see the hurt and grief but also disappointment in her eyes.
"You know she never intended Kuon's death, don't you?" she asks me and I know that but Kuon died saving her. I don't know when I'll be able to forgive her for that.
KyKuKyKu
When I contacted Julie-san about Kuon having a video call with the girls instead of seeing them in person, I was scolded. I thought it was for the best but obviously I was wrong. Julie-san doesn't seem to see it that way and I can't blame her. I would want to physically touch Kuon too.
It's been a few hours since he took that medication but he's just…he's a little different. I hold his hand but it doesn't make me feel connected to him, something just seems wrong and robotic with him now. No, I'm projecting my fears of the drugs onto the situation. It's fine. I'm fine. Kuon's fine. I'm just needlessly worrying. "I'm sorry," I apologize and he looks at me. "I wasn't able to ta-" I'm about to finish my apology before I feel something push me back a little and look to the side where Julie has thrown her arms around Kuon.
I drop his hand and take a step back to give him his space.
"Hi, Mom," he says in a whisper and I blink. Am I imagining things or did his voice sound a little monotone when he said that. No, this is all my own fear of the drugs. There's nothing wrong with him. "I'm so-sorry."
"Oh my gosh, Kuon," she chokes as she touches his cheeks, his shoulders, his arms. She embraces him again. "Kuon, I thought - everyone thought…"
"I'm sorry," Kuon apologizes to her again and embraces her as well. I can feel how happy Julie-san is and how she's been longing for this moment since Father most likely told her about it. I step back as I hear the girls and they run towards Kuon, both of them are crying and I'm sure they are confused but they just want their dad. I see him pull both of them into his arms at the same time as he crouches down in front of them. He kisses each of them on the top of their head.
"Daddy, we thought you weren't coming back," Rose tells him and he nods, his eyes are showing some type of blankness but he's smiling. That's good right?
"Daddy, I love you," Ana tells him and I hear that same monotone which is most likely my imagination.
"I missed you both as well," he tells them but I don't hear the emotions in his voice. I know he's saying it with love but my mind has made those words more neutral. As I watch the reunion between Kuon and our daughters, Julie-san steps closer to me.
"I'm sure that he's in shock and trauma but is he okay?" she asks and I nod to her. He's still injured of course but he's been doing well considering what he's been through. Yes, there are those instances of rage where he blacks out and damages things but can anyone blame him for that?
"Regarding the situation, he's been doing well. I think that he's just got so much anger about what happened. He hasn't told me a lot of what happened and he won't with the girls here with us but I'm sure if you talk to him alone he'll tell you." Julie-san looks at me and then at Kuon and the girls and then at me again.
"You say that he's been angry?" she asks me. I nod.
"I don't see that," she replies and I nod again.
"He's not showing it because the girls are here. He doesn't want to upset them but thinking about what he must have gone through, all of that pain which he suffered through. Can you blame him for being angry?" I ask and Julie shakes her head.
"No, I can't blame him. I'm furious too but I've never seen him in this way before…well, apart from that one time but that wasn't usual for him," I stare at her confused, what is she talking about? "I know that we spent years apart and that I never got to see him in his later teen years but I can recognize things about Kuon that have happened in the past and I want to know why it happened."
"Why what happened?" I ask and Julie looks to Kuon again, sniffing as a few tears slide down her cheeks.
"He's hollow," she says and I blink, he's been interacting with the girls just fine and the neutral tone, the stiff movements, that's been in my imagination. I shake my head, I don't really understand what she's attempting to tell me. He's hollow? "It's as if his emotions have been cut off, I've seen it before."
I shake my head, "He's just trying not to be angry in front of the girls," I try to explain and Julie-san takes a slow breath as Father comes to join us.
"I just hope you're right," she says and I see Kuu looking over Kuon, he frowns but as Kuon looks at him, he smiles to him. They are looking at him as if something is wrong. Nothing is wrong. It can't be.
End of Chapter Fifty Six
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Thank you to the reviewers of Chapter Fifty Five
Guest, Kaname671
