As much as one wishes that time would freeze when their loved ones pass away, as much as they loathe each subsequent sunny day, furious with the world for continuing to be happy when their own comes crashing down, that is just not how reality works. Cruelly, time continued to roll on.
Eren accepted Levi's death after that, and yet didn't. He accepted that his body no longer lived, but he didn't accept that he wasn't with him in some form. He seemed determined that he would see him again someday. In fact, according to him, he saw Levi day to day beside him, heard him talk to him when he prompted him to do so.
Mikasa knew she should have been concerned when Eren no longer asked for the key to Levi's mausoleum. He gave up after asking for days and days, and finally figured out that she was not going to give in. And she would only allow him to go if she went with him. This annoyed him greatly, but he supposed it was better than being prevented from going at all. When he finally did go back to Levi's grave, he saw that Mikasa had removed everything from the inside.
"So that you can do what you'd normally do with them, just on the outside," she explained.
With that, she watched as Eren fussed about, partially talking to himself and to her, though gradually he talked to her less and less, as if he forgot that she was even there. He tended to the garden, pulling weeds and putting new plants in. He also refilled the bird feeder, and put all of Levi's candles on the outside. He supposed he didn't need them anymore, but he couldn't help that nagging feeling inside him that told him Levi would want them. That he was wandering around in the dark and needed some light. So before they left, he lit them, and every night he visited, he lit them, creating a somewhat eerie and yet beautiful display, the only mausoleum who had candles lit around it every night. It was like a beacon for people that visited the cemetery in the later hours of the summer nights, and it made people wonder who this grave belonged to. Whose grave was this that always received such care, that looked so beautiful and polished? It looked like it belonged to a fair princess. But of course, there was no name on the grave, so it became a delightful mystery for the locals.
Since Levi passed away, Eren's will to do anything but lay in bed or go to visit his grave dwindled. He stopped working, stopped his education and eventually flunked out. He also stopped painting, and nothing anyone ever said to try and motivate him worked. Mikasa could get through to him sometimes, but very rarely. Emma didn't even try anymore, too horrified by her husband's condition.
Eren did get up to take care of his dogs and to interact with the horses. The dogs were always happy to see him, jumping all over him and happiest when they could run around when he'd let them out. They always brought a smile to his face, though it was a hollow one. And of course, Prince was never far from his side, always trotting next to him, sensing that he needed him now more than ever.
Of course Eren often found Prince laying on Levi's bed, whether out of habit or hope, he didn't know. But Eren sometimes joined him, missing Levi's scent on the sheets. Of course, any traces of his scent had long since faded from the house, but he could still remember it in his head. But to think he would never smell it again broke his heart. He wondered if Prince could still detect any traces of it, and felt jealous, wishing his nose was that strong.
He left Levi's room undisturbed, as if it too was waiting for him to come home. It comforted him, knowing that in case Levi's spirit were to visit, he would see that it looked the same, that everything was right where he left it, from all of his suits to his hair brush. All pristine, all dusted by Eren to keep the room looking lovely.
Without meaning to, Eren often found himself sitting on Levi's bed, holding and looking at things that he had treasured. Most often was the other man's wedding ring that he still wore around his neck, now on the same chain as Eren's own. That way, he'd be able to keep the promise they had made each other close to his heart. He would also often gaze at their photo, or the sketches he had done of Levi. He smiled and laughed a bit to himself as he came across the naughtier sketches he had done of him. Levi had been so nervous that day, but such a tease. He was forever beautiful and sultry in these sketches, always looking at Eren in that special way that made him want to throw him this pencil aside and make love to him. Now he was especially happy he had done these sketches, because now Levi was always going to be alive on these pages.
He also found himself gazing at and caressing Levi's watch. It was still so shiny, so bright that when he opened it he could see his reflection in it. However, it was only now that he realized the irony of the phrase he had had engraved on the inside: Only truth doth speak my heart, Until never do we part. When he had asked for that phrase to be engraved, he meant it to stand as a declaration of his love, meaning that his love would last until they parted, and that he meant every word of it. However, he had no idea that they would part so soon. He had assumed that Levi would have this watch until it rusted, until he was old and grey, and that they would grow old together. He had thought they would be able to keep their secret for the rest of their lives, and that even if they couldn't, his money and reputation would be able to make whatever trouble they ran into go away.
How naïve he had been.
It was still a ways off before his house by the beach would be finished, and Eren had to decide what he wanted to do when that day came. Would he move into the house? Leave it vacant forever? Treat it was a memorial to his and Levi's doomed love? If he did move in, would it be too painful to live there?
Well, in the meantime, he supposed there were other things he could do.
One morning, as soon as they opened, Eren was walking across town, feeling better than he had in a while. He had his good days and bad days when it came to being able to come out of the fantasy world he had built for himself, and thankfully this was one of those good days. So off he went to the publishing house, Levi's manuscript in hand, determined to speak with Pixis.
Luckily, they remembered who he was, knowing that he was an acquaintance of Levi's. To Eren's surprise though, even knowing this, they let him in, and ushered him back to where Pixis sat. The old man seemed to be happy to see Eren, welcoming him and inviting him to sit down by his desk.
"A shame what happened to Levi," he said. "Who would have thought he would have that in him?"
"He didn't," Eren refuted immediately. "He never hurt me, or anyone else. It was a bunch of lies he told so that I wouldn't be thrown in jail too. He was…he loved me. And that was how he showed it. He protected me."
He didn't care who knew anymore. He didn't care if he too was thrown in jail and he also rotted behind bars. He felt like he deserved it after what had happened to Levi. But Pixis didn't immediately get a hold of the police. Rather, he just sat there, considering Eren for a minute. And then he said, "I figured. That sounds more like the Levi I know, someone who loved someone too much and then threw his life away for them."
Huh. Well that hadn't been what Eren was expecting. He shook himself out of his surprise though and plopped Levi's manuscript on the desk with a ruffle of papers. Pixis looked at the pile and then at Eren, already knowing what he had.
"He finished it a bit before he was arrested," Eren said. "I know it would mean a lot to him if it was still published. And now it'll be worth more since he's dead."
"Hmm," Pixis hummed, studying the pile carefully. "I'm not sure…I mean, I wouldn't mind, but the publishing house might not want to be associated with the work of a convicted criminal."
"Oscar Wilde was convicted of the same thing and his work was still published. Why should Levi be any different?"
The older man still looked thoughtful, stroking his chin, and then after a moment, decided, "Alright. I suppose not everyone in the country knows what he did. And if I went against a promise I made to a dead man I'd never be able to go to my own grave in peace. I'll work on putting this through."
Eren sighed with relief, and when he did, Pixis said genuinely, "I thank you for bringing this on his behalf. I know he would have appreciated it. You're a very good friend to him, and even if he can't see the joy his book will bring people, you'll get to see it for him."
And that he did. Just a few short months later, Levi's book was out on the shelves and in stores. However, Pixis had published it under a slightly different name, as L.A Ackerman, Levi's first two initials, so that the negative connotation wasn't made upon first glance. Eren supposed that was a fair trade. Eren's name was listened underneath his as a mention for who did the illustrations in the book, and it was nice to see their names next to each other like that. And of course, to Eren's absolute delight, the book flew off the shelves. Whenever he walked into the bookstore, they were fresh out of stock and had to wait for a new shipment.
If Eren had to guess as to why Levi's book was so popular, it was because it was a fantasy story amidst a sea of other authors who felt fantasy was out of style and were trying to write realistic fiction. Which, that was all well and good, but people needed an escape from their daily lives and once in a while needed to be able to immerse themselves in another world.
And what a world Levi had created.
Of course, Eren had received the first finished copy from Pixis himself, all bound in pretty leather. And when he got that copy and opened it, he was surprised by the dedication page, but at the same time, of course that was what it said.
For Eren, whom without his encouragement this book would not have been written.
It was so simple, and yet it made the boy tear up all over again. Of course his Levi dedicated the book to him, the fool. Eren didn't do anything except say he wanted him to live out his dream and see what kind of book he would create.
It was an amazing book. Eren read the whole thing cover to cover, sitting in front of the fireplace with his dogs at his feet. The story was about soldiers living in a world of man-eating giants, focusing on two soldiers in particular and their quest to save the world from these creatures. Two soldiers, who though they had different names, it was clear that they were based on he and Levi. And to the casual reader, it would appear that the two soldiers were just good friends, but if one looked deeper, if one were an invert and knew to look for these sorts of things, it was clear that they were lovers who held a deep affection for each other. They went through so many trials and tribulations, were torn apart by war and then reunited, their minds and bodies ruined by the fights and conspiracies they uncovered. But the story ended with the two of them taking a well-earned retirement, living in a cottage by the sea together.
And by the end, when Eren closed the book, he was openly bawling. Levi had always told him that he wanted to live with him, but here it was, in writing, part of his greatest fantasy. That was all he wanted, to have a happy, peaceful ending, and instead, he had died suffering, alone, in a prison cell that he should have never set foot in. All he had wanted was to be with the one he loved, and he had paid for it with his life. He hadn't been sentenced to hang, but he had died anyway.
What was worse, in a way, was that he was the only one who had suffered that fate out of all of their friends. Not that he wished death on any of them, but it just broke Eren's heart even more. Levi had been the only one who hadn't been strong enough to make it out. Of course not; he was so small, so vulnerable, and had such a nervous disposition. His whole day could be ruined over the slightest things, and he couldn't even stand the dark. He had heard from the guards how he had been thrown in the Hole and died of typhus, and it was everything Eren could do not to strangle them both. His poor, delicate Levi. Of course he had gone mad and then gotten sick. All out of Eren's reach.
Once again, he had needed his boy, and Eren had been powerless to help him.
At least their friends all seemed to be doing well enough. Erwin and Armin still wrote to him when they could, and were carrying on as normal, Armin still a librarian and Erwin still bringing in the big money in his business. They often invited Eren to visit them, but he had yet to take them up on that offer. Ymir and Christa, as far as he knew, had run away to Boston in order to escape the pressure of marriage from Christa's father. They were going to live in a Boston marriage up there with Ymir dressing as a man and acting as her husband. He just hoped they lived happily together for many years.
Eld, Gunter and Auruo were busy looking for another place to hold their meetings, so that all the mollies could remain in touch. They had congratulated Eren for going ahead and getting Levi's book published, and had all bought their copy, signed by Eren of course. Reiner and Bertolt were with those three in looking for another meeting place, Reiner still taking photos and selling them when he could. Jean and Marco wrote Eren often, telling him that when they found a new meeting place, the two of them were going to get married. They also visited his house once in a while, and he could tell they too were upset over the state Eren was now in, but they understood. Of course they did. They were just as much in love as Eren and Levi were. Annie seemed to be too scared to be a part of their meetings anymore, and had cut off all contact with them. Sasha and Connie mourned her absence, and always would. The two of them were set to get married very soon, figuring at least they could stay together.
He received word that his cottage was finished at the end of the year, close to Levi's birthday. It was almost like it was fate, and when he got that letter, he knew what he had to do.
So, without a word to anyone else, over time, he began to pack up his things, hiding them away so that neither Emma nor Mikasa, when she visited, could find them. Not even Grisha found them, but not that he cared either way. Eren had at that point disowned him, not caring what he knew, or didn't know, or whether he lived or died. If he came in and spoke to him, Eren didn't remember it. All he remembered was the threat Grisha had made against him about getting married to keep Levi's reputation intact. In the end, it had all been meaningless.
And he was more than done with being his puppet.
When everything was packed in a couple of suitcases, Eren took the last bit of money he had saved away and set off out of town early in the morning before everyone had woken up. He would no longer be Eren Jaeger, son of the rich town doctor who had every convenience and amenity that a spoiled boy could want. Instead he would be just Eren, the broken hearted, lost soul who just wanted to find peace. He had only left notes for Mikasa and Emma since they were the two people who had interacted with him the most recently, and he figured that they deserved an explanation.
In both notes, he explained why he was leaving, that he was tired and broken, like a soldier, and he was going to look for solace where he could find it. He advised both of them not to look for him, because they wouldn't find him, and he didn't want to be found. To Mikasa, he thanked her for being amazing sister, and hoped she and Benjamin had a happy, wonderful life and family together. To Emma, he told her that he was setting her free, and that he was sorry she had to be involved in all of this.
"Don't fret though," Eren reassured her in his note, "you are free also to go and find a new husband, one who loves you wholly, and one that can give you children. Our marriage was annulled because before I met you, Levi and I were married. So please, go live the life you were destined to, and thank you for all of your kindness."
In truth, he had no idea what to say to either of them, but couldn't think of anything else. He just hoped that they would be as happy without him in their lives and he was hoping he'd be.
So, he set off, against the rising sun, his dogs and Prince following at his heels, all of them excited to begin this new journey in their lives.
000
The years rolled on for Eren, one blending into the next. He retired to his cottage by the sea, cutting himself off from all contact with those he had known before, save for one person. He and Hanji still exchanged letters, for the simple reasons that he knew she wouldn't try to seek him out and would respect his desire to be alone, and because she seemed to be the only person who missed Levi as much as he did. In her letters, she told him that she and Petra were still getting on fine, that no one had found out their secrets, and they hoped it stayed that way. It truly was a blessing that Hanji and Petra had not been in the pub the day it was raided, and Eren had told her that. They exchanged their favorite memories of Levi in most of their letters, using each other as an outlet for their grief. And then one day, Hanji said something to him that stayed with him forever, something that touched him very deeply.
"I just want to thank you for being Levi's friend, and then eventually his lover. He really needed someone who loved him the way you did; without judgement, and without restraint. You were everything to him, and it's easy to see he was everything to him. As his best friend, I can confidently say that you turned him into the best version of himself that he could be. Thank you for loving him, Eren. Thank you for keeping his memory alive. I know it'll never die as long as he has you."
And she had been right. In some way, every day, Eren had worked to honor Levi in some small way. Some days it was planting some of his favorite flowers in his window boxes. Sometimes it was polishing up the stained glass windows full of their favorite fairytale scenes. Sometimes it was staring a little extra long at the hearts in the windows and door frames and telling Levi that he loved him. Sometimes it was giving Prince extra treats instead of his other dogs. Other times it was playing their song on his gramophone and polishing up his watch. Or, it was reading his now well-worn copy of Levi's book that sat in the small library of the cottage. Mostly fantasy books, of course.
Most of the time, it came out in the artwork that he now had dedicated himself full time to creating. Partly because it was now how he supported himself, but mostly because Levi had been brave enough to pursue his passion, so now that he was free, why couldn't he?
He made a point to sketch or paint a little every day, drawing something for himself, or for Levi. He had framed all the sketches he had done of Levi, all of them hanging on his walls in his studio. Sun always streamed in through here, and on nice days, he kept the window open so he could listen to the waves roll up onto the shore. His long, wild hair would blow in the breeze that would come off the ocean, and it would always smell like salt.
Every day, he tried to live like how Levi would have wanted. Carefree, pursuing what he loved. He imagined what he would have said about Eren only going into town to pick up food or supplies, or to sell his paintings. He would have thought he was being silly and impractical, for sure, but if it made him happy, he would have let it pass. Besides, Eren would have argued back, it was a cool selling point for his art. People were curious about this handsome man that lived on the edge of society and what kind of art he produced. They were so curious about it that they were often willing to pay quite a bit. Not that Eren really needed it. He got plenty of revenue from the sales of Levi's book, and he was listed as a co-creator.
Day by day, year by year, Eren honored him in these little ways. And for the first time since Levi had died, he was happy.
He had given up on breeding his dogs for the most part, deciding that doing so was now too painful, as it reminded him too much of Levi. However, he did breed Prince to one of his females, and ended up keeping every one of the puppies, naming all four of them after their father in some way. One was Son of Prince Charming, or Charm, another was Levi's Knight in Shining Armor, the third was Snow White, and the last of them of them all was Prince Ackerman's Legacy. Snow White, he of course, called Doll.
As time went on, his four original Westies all grew older and passed away, one after the other, and he lovingly buried all of their bodies around his cottage with little seashell markers, so he could keep them all close to him. How could he not? Before he had met Levi, they were what he had loved the most and doted on, and losing them had left a huge hole in his heart.
But not a hole so large as the one that eventually appeared on the day he lost Prince.
In the end, Levi's beloved dog had lived a long, happy life, passing away in 1905 at the age of fifteen. He had passed away in Eren's arms as they slept, Eren singing his and Levi's song, praying for Levi to take good care of his best friend. It had been a huge blow, as Prince had been the last piece of his beloved that he still had, and now it was like he was truly gone. So great was the loss in fact that he felt like not just any grave for this precious pup would do. He made the journey back home and buried Prince in the garden he had made around Levi's mausoleum, feeling that he deserved to be reunited with his master. He also had a gravestone etched with an epitaph that he felt would be fitting for such a special dog.
Prince
1890-1905
Best friend and hero to his beloved master
Eren cried as he laid him to rest just as hard as he had cried when he accepted that Levi was not going to wake up from his slumber. He just hoped that he and Levi were together again, waiting for him on that hill.
Prince's pups kept him company for many years after that, giving him a reason to wake up every morning, giving him something to do when he felt he couldn't paint that day. They were invaluable to helping to keep him sane when his bad days would hit and he could barely get out of bed, when all he could think of was how he'd be better off dead and with Levi again. If he passed away as well, who would take care of them? So, they convinced him to keep living another day.
When the Great War gripped the world, his cute, fantastical paintings of other worlds, of couples happy in love, of Westies frolicking through fields made of golden grass, or among fireflies, or on the beach in the surf, were a huge hit in town. People wanted to make their homes as happy and bright as they could, and they liked his idealized art. It wasn't fully realistic, and made them feel like they were in another world, and with the whole world in a miserable, desperate state, everyone wanted a bit of happy escapism.
Eren had thankfully missed the draft because by then, he was too old, and mentally unstable besides. So, he could continue his peaceful life as best as he was able, bringing joy to the people around him in his own small way. He hoped Levi would be proud of him.
When the Great War was over, and the last of Prince's pups had passed on, Eren could feel his desire to live dwindling each day. Each day, the pull to the other world, the one where Levi was residing grew stronger. Each day, he swore he could hear his beloved's voice a little more clearly, calling his name. And each day, it sounded more and more appealing to join him. After all, by this point, it was nearing 1920, he was nearly fifty, and it felt like the world was moving on at a faster speed without him. For once, life was passing him by, and that was when he knew his time was coming.
However, he still had one more thing he wanted to do.
He had this idea for a painting in his head for many years, and had tried to put it on canvas several times, but it never came out looking how he wanted it to. So, he figured he could give it another go, and this time, he wouldn't give up until it came out looking just how he wanted.
The morning he mixed his paints and began sketching out what he wanted, he felt like he was starting the last great journey of his life. He took this journey step by step, stroke by stroke, mixing his colors carefully, smearing many of them on himself accidentally as he wiped his brow. Many times he had to get up and walk around, or at least stop and look outside, to get his eyes to focus on something else.
This painting was quite difficult, for he was drawing something he had only ever seen in his dreams, especially on days when he could hear Levi's voice the most clearly. And if he didn't get every detail right, he didn't know what he would do. He supposed the most he could do was persevere.
Until finally, finally, one evening, he finished it. In the burning light of the setting sun, his painting was set aflame, this painting he meant to be a last tribute to his and Levi's love, as well as his hopes for their future.
Sitting back, covered in paint, he sighed in relief as he gazed upon it. The painting was the dark, purple silhouettes of two small boys walking hand in hand on a path made of light that wound and curved into some distant point up into the clouds. All around them were symbols of these two boys' lives: a silver watch in one boy's pocket, a ring hanging on each boy's neck, two circus tickets, a book of fairytales with its pages fluttering in the wind around them, a gramophone playing a song, and a distant beach that faded into a golden hill with a tree on it beneath the path. The background was a pink sunset, sparkling with stars that promised to overtake the sky. One boy was pointing in the distance towards a blinding light that sat at the end of the path, as if urging his partner on to see what lay beyond it.
When he deemed it dry enough, he painted with a thin brush down in the corner, not just his name and the year he finished it, but a small phrase that made him tear up.
I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream.
And on the back of the canvas, he wrote the title of the painting in quotes.
"Aurora Dolls."
Eren smiled sadly as he took in his work. Finally, after years, it had been perfected. He stroked the heads of one of the boys, hoping. Hoping that what he had seen in his dreams would become reality. That the boys made of the light of the aurora borealis walking hand in hand on a path of light towards another light would reach their destination. After all, Eren was dying to see what lay beyond that light.
During his final morning, he wrote a letter to his sister and sent it off, knowing it would most likely be a while before she got it. And that was alright with him. Let her have a few more weeks of peace. Once that was finished, he sat on his front steps, admiring the sea as it rolled forward and pulled back.
"Well Doll," he said to the air, "I hope I made you proud. I've done everything we wanted to do I suppose and…I'm tired. It was sad living in this place without you, but I tried to keep it how you would have. Even the kitchen, though I'm sure it didn't stay up to your standards. Wow…if you were here, you'd be fifty-four, huh? You're old. Still beautiful though." He laughed a bit to himself, tears welling up in his eyes. "I promised you that I'd remained faithful to you until my dying day, and I think I held that up pretty well. So I suppose all I can offer is my last goodbye…or rather, a 'see you later.' I hope you're still waiting for me, my prince. Just a little longer, and I'll be there."
And then he began singing their song to the waves in a low, haunting tone, his last words to the world.
But I know it's true, that visions are seldom what they seem.
But if I know you, I know what you'll do,
You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream.
After that final note rang out, he let himself back into his house, leaving the door unlocked. He moved slowly, as if in a trance, to his bedroom, and opened the bedside table, where he found the loaded handgun he had been keeping all of these years, knowing he would most likely need it for the day he became too tired. He took it, shutting the drawer, and sat down on the floor, facing where he kept Levi's most prized possessions.
Eren had no regrets, he realized. He only wished he and Levi could have lived happily ever after together, but since that was not meant to be in this life, perhaps down the road someday, they could give it another try. After they crossed that path of light, of course. Maybe that was what lay on the other side.
Only one way to find out.
So, he gripped his and Levi's rings in his hand, smiling peacefully, placing the gun under his chin. His last view was of Levi's watch and his photograph, and his last thought was of how he couldn't wait to go home.
He pulled the trigger.
000
Mikasa received Eren's letter a week later, and was quite surprised to see it. She and her brother hadn't spoken in years, not since he had disappeared, and she wondered what he could have to say after all this time. As she took the letter into the parlor to read it, Benjamin asking who it was from and telling her oldest daughter to move aside, she was a bit hesitant to see what it might contain.
However, it was clear after the first few lines that nothing could have prepared her for this. With a sob, her free hand flew to her mouth, and tears ran down her cheeks.
"My dearest Mikasa,
By the time you receive this letter, I will be dead. I'm sorry, this is probably not the news you wanted to receive after not hearing from me for so long. I do hope you are well. I have only wanted a long happy life for you, your husband and your children.
As you've probably guessed, I've grown weary over these past years of being without Levi. I often hear his voice calling me, and I dream of going home. I am his Aurora and he is my Doll. But make no mistake. I've lived happily these past few decades, more happily than I ever thought I could. I've become the artist I've wanted to be, and kept Levi's memory alive. I've been free for the first time in my life, and couldn't have asked for better. I too hope that you've been living happily all this time. I'm sure you're just as pretty as the day I last saw you. I however, am not, at least, I don't believe so. All I have is my aching soul, and I'm ready to give that back.
I have a couple of selfish requests that, after decades of not seeing you, I don't deserve to make. However, I will try my best. First, I wish for you to hold onto my art. Pass it down through your family, especially my most recent piece, which is still standing in my studio. Hold onto Levi's things as well. Tell our story and make sure it's passed down. Lastly, if it's possible, please bury me with Levi so that even if our souls never find each other, our bodies will be together forever.
I hope that by telling others our story, someday, this animosity towards inverts will eventually abate, whether that be in ten, fifteen, twenty years, or even longer. Someday, I wish for people like me and Levi to be able to love each other in the open without the fear of being persecuted or of being rejected by society. I hope someday the world can hear our story and see just how in love we were.
Thank you Mikasa. For everything. I bid you a very fond farewell.
Your brother,
Eren."
Mikasa honored his every wish, however. She buried his body next to Levi's in a matching urn, and preserved not just his art, not just Levi's things, but their house. She wanted it to be a monument for people like her brother, a silent symbol of their forbidden love.
She passed on their story to her children, and asked them to keep the tradition going with their children. For she knew how important it was to make sure they, as well as others recognized how important it was to nurture love in all of its forms, no matter if one understood it or not. For she had witnessed a love she didn't understand, and it was far and away the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.
Mikasa could only hope as she gazed up at the sky that Eren and Levi had indeed found each other and were dancing to their song among the clouds, ready to venture onwards, hand in hand, towards their next journey.
