CHAPTER THIRTY
(BPOV)
Jacob looked truly panicked as he stood there in the doorway with sweet Clarissa, his arms keeping her close while she continued to fuss.
"I'm sorry, Bells. I know we had plans but she won't stop crying. I've tried everything all morning. Nothing works."
Charlie stood up next to me when he heard this, his gaze lingering on them as Jacob came inside and tried to soothe her with a pacifier.
"Maybe she's teething, son?" He suggested to him with a shrug my way. "You always fussed like that for hours when you were. Nothing could calm you down. Renee used to fret so much over you back then."
I could see the worry and asperity in Jacobs eyes when they roamed over Clarissa's face and it made my own heart ache for him.
"Lilly always rocked her when she was fussy like this. I've tried that. Doesn't seem to help. She's never been this bad. Emily said she slept fine through the night. I don't know-... I don't-" He stammered.
Charlie took Clarissa's coat from him and glanced my way with a sorrowful expression.
"It's alright, son. I'm sure between the three of us, we can figure this out and help little Clarissa here. Right, Bella?" Charlie hedged.
"Yes, of course we can." I replied, seeing the dejected look Jacob wore while she continued to cry in his arms. He was having a hard time with all this and it was heartbreaking to see.
I moved myself closer to his side with a weary smile when he hung his head in tired frustration.
"There's a rocking chair in Charlie's room. We've had it for years. I can bring it down and see if maybe a change of environment would help her?" I offered.
"That's a good idea." Charlie agreed. "That thing hasn't been rocked in for a long time, but I'm sure it will still do the job. It belonged to Renee but she left it here for Bella years ago. I think she had hopes that one day, she'd have grandchildren to rock to sleep in it."
I swallowed hard, ignoring the painful lump that formed in my throat at this and headed upstairs to fetch the chair for Jacob. When I reach the top of them, I paused and wiped away the traitorous tears that tried to show my pain from Charlie's words.
I couldn't hold anything against him. He had no idea what I'd endured. No idea what I'd lost in the five years I had spent in Maine. Very few did and I had high hopes of keeping it that way.
When I returned with the old wooden rocking chair and placed it next to the sofa in the living room, I saw Jacob's eyes fill with something I couldn't place and it unnerved me, his piercing gaze settling on my own for a fleeting second that made me forget Charlie was still in the room with us.
The far away look he had reminded me of someone who was lost in Deja Vu and I silently wondered what was racing through that mind of his right now.
I grabbed the blanket on the couch and motioned for him to sit in the chair, but when he approached me, Clarissa's hand reached out and took hold of my hair, her tiny fingers wrapping tightly around the thick strands that covered my petite shoulders in a fistful.
I placed my hand over hers, carefully freeing her delicate fingers when she suddenly stopped crying and stared at me, her reddened eyes making my heart nearly burst when she leaned out and reached for me then. Jacobs gaze held mine and I froze where I was, unable to move while she held out her tiny arms toward me.
Jacob took another step forward and stared between the two of us as I hesitantly began to back away, the feeling of intrusion making it difficult for me to breathe, as Clarissa started to cry again when I released her hand from my hair.
This wasn't my place.
This was so far from my place that I had to fight the urge to stay there and not flee into the other room, but when Clarissa looked to me again, that swiftly changed. Her wide innocent eyes were full of tears and dripping down her round cheeks, and I found my own eyes beginning to well with emotion as Jacob slowly held her out to me.
Charlie looked almost ashen as he peered back and forth between Jacob and myself, his bewildered gaze easy to read when I tenderly took Clarissa and held her in my arms. She laid her head on my shoulder and I looked down at her precious face so close to mine as she quieted there with heavy lids.
Charlie scooted the rocking chair closer to me and Jacob held out the blanket, his eyes glossy when he soon draped the heavy duvet over Clarissa. Within minutes she nodded off to sleep while I rocked her and I saw Charlie wrap a supportive arm around Jacobs shoulders, his next few words leaving me baffled when he spoke them.
"Jacob, you're more than welcome to stay here for the day, but I think I'll head into work for a few hours this morning. Got mounds of paperwork to do and the station is usually less crowded this time of day. I'll grab some dinner on the way home tonight, Bella. Save you from cooking. Might even grab two extra pizza's case we have company, huh."
With that, Charlie threw on his jacket and gloves and left the house without so much as a backwards glance. I couldn't help but recall how his behavior had been much the same when I was still living here in high school whenever Jake would pay an unexpected visit. Charlie had a bad habit of making himself rather scarce back then, too. Some things never changed I supposed.
"Here..." I sighed, beginning to get up and hand Clarissa back to Jacob now that she was fast asleep but his outstretched hand stopped me.
"It's alright, Bells. She's comfortable with you. Please, let her sleep."
I caught the anguish that was heavy in his husky tone as he spoke, and I leaned back in the rocking chair with an outstretched hand to him.
"She's just teething, Jacob. She feels a bit warm to me, too. Could have a fever. That's normal with teething. Nothing to worry about."
Jacob sighed heavily and hunkered himself down on the floor in front of the rocking chair, his back coming to rest against my knees as we sat there in brief silence. He placed his head in his hands and I could almost feel the tension radiating off him in waves as he fought like hell to keep control.
"When is the last time you slept, Jake? More than just a few hours?" I whispered, touching his shoulder and seeing his hand reach blindly back for mine in response.
"Been a while." He admitted.
"Why don't you lay down on the couch and take a nap? I could sit here with her for you so you can get some rest? You're running on empty."
"I don't want to sleep." He hoarsely admitted, squeezing my hand.
"You have to sometime." I softly replied.
"I know."
"How was the first phase back for you? Was it painful?"
He went mute at this for what seemed like forever before offering up any kind of reply.
"In some ways. Not in others."
I released his hand and timidly touched his hair, my fingertips gliding effortlessly through his silky thick jet black strands, as he turned his head and peered up at me over his shoulder.
"You need another haircut? I could do that for you if you want?" I stated, noticing how the length was now grown out enough to barely cover the tops of his ears.
"Yeah, I've needed one for a few weeks. I'd appreciate that."
I heard the soft rumbling in his stomach and inched myself forward in the rocking chair while I carefully balanced Clarissa in my arms.
"I made a huge breakfast for Charlie this morning and there's plenty of left overs in the fridge. You're welcome to them. I could heat something up for you?"
"Thanks, honey. I'm just not hungry."
My face fell at his words as I cautiously stood and laid Clarissa on the couch, surrounding her little body with a wall of pillows, before I sat down there next to her and motioned for Jacob to take my place. He did so without question and placed a protective hand on her chest while I headed for the kitchen and made him a plate.
"You don't have to do that." He called out after me but I merely shook my head and continued on with fixing him something to eat.
When I had piled the stack of french toast six slices high and added two heaping sides of scrambled eggs and fruit to his plate, I took it out to him and placed it in his lap with a fork.
"Please eat...-"
"Bells, I-... I'm just not-..."
"For me?" I soon hedged, seeing his head raise at this as the same look from before crossed his features. "I worry for you."
"Okay." He reluctantly obliged, taking a bite of eggs and watching Clarissa while she continued to sleep peacefully there on the sofa.
I sat down next to him and tucked the blanket further in around her, as he began to shovel the rest of the plate in like he hadn't eaten a single thing in days.
"There's plenty more where that came from."
"Thanks, honey. I'm good with this." He replied, looking my way when I absentmindedly wrapped my arms around my middle. His darkened gaze closely followed my movements, keeping his eyes there a beat too long before he looked back down at the food in his lap.
Jacob soon finished his last few bites and I took the plate from him with half a satisfied smile.
"That was good. I haven't had your cooking in years. Haven't lost your touch, I see. Still puts anyone else's to shame. You and Sue Clearwater should open up your own restaurant."
"You're too kind." I replied, placing his dish in the sink and pouring him a tall glass of orange juice.
I handed it to him and he gulped it down in a hurry.
"Do you have somewhere to be? Is Sam waiting for you?"
Jacobs expression went remorseful then, his eyes hesitant to meet mine with his reply.
"I just came from his place. They don't expect me back for patrol until tomorrow night." He replied.
"Did you miss it? The speed and being in wolf form?" I nervously asked when he looked my way again.
"I missed parts of it. The speed being one thing, yeah. Other things never really left me."
I bit down on my bottom lip at his answer and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, his earnest words filled with a double meaning I could hear but couldn't accurately place.
The house was empty and Clarissa was content for now but there was a tension in the air that made it hard for me to focus.
"What things didn't leave you?" I began and saw him tear his eyes from my own. "The supernatural hearing or the strength or-..."
"Why did you leave?" He pointedly asked then, his sudden question catching me off guard as I sat down next to him.
"What?-"
"Why did you leave for Maine, Bells?"
"Why are you asking me-..."
His gaze fell again to my middle and I cringed at the way he looked at me then, his face paling when he stood from his seat on the sofa, his movements slow and cautious so he wouldn't wake Clarissa.
"Was escaping this place and chasing your dreams the real reason you left?"
I felt like I couldn't breathe, let alone form a proper response. The way his eyes held mine told me without words that he knew things I had dreaded him knowing, and I scrambled to figure out how that was possible.
"There was that-... and I wanted a life-..."
"Outside of the supernatural, right? That's what you wanted?"
I frantically nodded and felt my panic rise further when his knowing gaze roamed over my face.
"Where is this -..." I hesitantly began, but stopped when he reached down and tentatively slid his fingers through mine.
"Last night, right before you fell asleep, you kept saying that you were sorry, Bells. You said it over and over again."
I looked away from him and turned to head into the kitchen before his hold on my hand halted my steps.
"I was just tired. Exhausted. I was probably dreaming or-..."
"Do you remember anything else you said?"
I stilled there, the color draining from my face as I recalled the fleeting memories I had from last nights hell while he continued on from behind me, his baritone thick and strained with his words.
"...you said 'I should have told you the truth,'..."
It was suffocating to be in this moment with him and try as hard as I may to push my palpable fear down, I couldn't stop the trembling in my body from hearing him say this.
I had said things out loud while I slept that I couldn't take back or explain away anymore.
I let go of his hand and crossed my arms over my middle, the action hauntingly familiar now, as if I could somehow keep this all inside by holding onto myself tight enough.
I loathed that I was back in that place.
Jacobs words were filled with a warmth then that made me remember just why it was that he had always been the person I could run to with anything in times past, but this, this felt impossible to tell him.
"You're not the only one with something they've held onto, Bella. I know you're hurting or that you were and-..."
"We don't have to do this to each other." I cut in, seeing the despair reflected back at me in his gaze now.
"Bells, we do. We really do, honey."
Something in the way he said this made my skin cold with anxiety.
"Okay, so we both have things we need to say."
"Agreed." He whispered.
"I'll go first." I solemnly offered, trying to get the words out before they could choke me up again. "I left for Maine because I didn't have a place here anymore, Jacob. I did... at one time...-but-... but there were things that I couldn't-... things I didn't-..." I stumbled over my words and drew in a shaky breath as he pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and checked on Clarissa, being sure she was still surrounded with pillows and asleep before hunkering down in front of me, the silent pleading I read in his face enough to push me forward. "...my reason for leaving was my own and it had nothing to do with you or the pack or Charlie. I had to go-..."
"Had to or wanted to?" He countered.
"Both... neither... I wasn't meant to be here anymore. I had to accept that and move on."
Jacob drew his chair in closer to mine and took hold of my hands.
"Okay, you went. Now it's my turn."
I sat up straight in my chair and stared back at him as his rich brown eyes filled with emotion.
"You know you can tell me anything, right? No matter what. Even after all this time, you're still that person for me, Jacob. I trust you."
The remorse was plainly written all over his handsome face when he continued on.
"I don't think you left because you wanted to find a different life, Bells. I think you left because something happened that made you believe you couldn't stay here. That you couldn't be part of this life- my life- anymore. That you're only choice was to go."
I blinked and felt the tears fall to match his own when he firmly swallowed.
"H-How do you? How did you-..." I questioned.
"Just like I knew you were hurting last night, even though I hadn't physically seen you in hours...-"
"How...-"
"-because I could sense it-... feel it."
I pushed my chair back from him, my mind racing over where he could be going with this.
Jacob looked as nervous and fearful as I'd ever seen him, his eyes steadily holding mine while he silently waited for me to process what he was saying.
"Is that why you came to my window last night when you did?"
He nodded as I got up and began to pace back and forth in front of him. I tried to stop the room from spinning when the same stabbing pain lashed out at me unexpectedly, it harsh attack brutal enough to make me nauseas and cease the conversation momentarily.
Jacob was next to me before I could grip the counter for support, his hands outstretched but his stance hesitant.
"Bells, are you alright?"
This didn't make any sense.
"Tell me how you know what you think you do." I whispered, my words trembling from my tears. "Please..."
He dropped his hands and looked down to the floor as a shame filled his feautures. A shame I didn't understand but feared to.
I couldn't stand to see him like that and when he started to turn away, I caught his shoulder with my hand and looked into his face and the pain I saw there made me draw myself in closer to him. He stilled when I peered up at him then, his husky whisper filling the empty silence.
"I imprinted on you, honey."
A/N: Thank you for reading and I apologize for the few spelling errors I missed in the last chapter. Two updates in one day again! :-) What can I say... I love my readers! Please review if you'd like and look for another update tomorrow.
