Summary:
Cullen begins to wake up and has a big of a struggle figuring out what is only in his head, and what is reality.
Cocktails & Cheese
Cullen and Alistair - A Modern Day AU
Chapter 56
Mishaps & Misfortune - Part 13
The first time Cullen woke up, the world was foggy and his whole body felt heavy. He tried to open his eyes, but couldn't seem to make them work. He wondered where he was. Everything was too dulled to make much sense out of his environment. He managed to roll his head from side to side, but then remembered that face- those faces . He struggled against the heaviness that was weighing him down. He couldn't move, could barely breathe. He thought he heard someone yelling his name.
Nick said his name too-repeatedly-as he laughed and sneered, swinging his bat again and again.
Not such a big shot now, are you… Commander? … Hey Cullen, Cullen - over here! You wanted a piece of me, asshole? I'm right here! … Commander Cullen, why aren't you fighting back?!
Nick's goons held him in place while Nick jeered and beat on him. He couldn't move, couldn't fight back… he was restrained: too many hands held his arms and legs.
Cullen struggled against them.
He couldn't get away, couldn't yell for help, couldn't find his gift.
So he struggled until there was nothing left.
He struggled... until a coolness entered his veins.
He struggled… until there was nothing.
The second time Cullen woke up, he fought against the hands still holding him. This time he was able to fight back, this time Nick wouldn't get the upper hand, this time he was able to feel the gift of the Maker inside of him. Reaching deep down, he found that spark of the Maker's blessing to finally fight them off. He felt it build, pulled it in, harnessed it.
"Get off me!" he shouted internally, unable to bring the words to his lips before releasing his will.
...the world went black once again.
The third time Cullen came to, he was more aware of his surroundings and realized that he was in a bed. Not his bed, there was no double. And, he was restrained. Again. Still?
Struggling against his binds, he heard a chuckle off to his right. Blinking through the blurry haze, he thought he saw Dorian.
"They had to tie you down, Amatus. You fought them, even Leliana couldn't break through to you. So they sedated you and strapped you to the bed. Leliana brought me in… just in case. The next time you woke, you broke their room. Thankfully, that time, it was only you and I. Thankfully Rylen and Leliana were close by to help me fix most of the damage."
Cullen shook his head to try to clear it, tugging at his bonds. Looking back at Dorian, he noticed a bandage on the side of his head.
"They won't let me release your bonds you until you're fully back with us. Are you all here yet?" He paused, eyeing Cullen. "When you woke up last time, I think maybe you thought I was the asshole who attacked you. I tried to hold you down so you wouldn't tear out your IV, but you fought me and, I'm sad to say, you are much stronger than I am. Before I could do more than throw up a simple shield, you smote me. You actually smote me, Cullen! We're going to have a talk about that when you're back to yourself again. And be thankful that Bull's not here. I still have time to get Lana to fix the damage you did to my pretty face before he gets back from Par Vollen."
Cullen tried to roll his eyes, but they had a mind of their own and when he closed them, they stayed that way. He was so tired, definitely too tired to deal with Dorian's sass.
Cullen woke up again, calmer this time, but more aware. There was an unfamiliar presence at the side of his bed and it was with some great effort that he realized it was Alistair's friend, Anders. He felt himself recoil — resist — but he was still floating in a haze of medicated fogginess, so couldn't muster the energy to protest. He lay there and watched Anders sitting uncomfortably in the chair with his legs crossed at the knee. He looked unhappy, but resigned — much the way Cullen felt, too
It didn't take long for Anders to look up and notice Cullen watching them. "I'm probably the last person you want in here at your bedside. But don't worry, I'm not a threat to you or Alistair." Anders sighed. "Look, I may not get another chance to say this without you telling me where to stick it, so I'm going to just get this out now. Alistair loves you and… I have never, in all the years I've known him, seen him so devoted or so enamored with another. He would move heaven and hell for you." Anders bowed his head and chuckled. "He probably is moving heaven and hell for you right now. They got a tip on where to find the asshole who did this to you. Rylen barely kept them from bursting out of here to commit murder."
Cullen frowned.
"Don't worry, there were promises made; Alistair and Lana are going to be taking Nick into the police station when they're done with him and he's going to be delivered… alive. But if I know the two of them, they're going to make Nick beg for the opportunity to plead guilty, or for death, just to get away from them." Anders looked up, sadly. "You may not be needing me here after all. If this doesn't need to go to trial, you'll have your wish and I'll head back to the Anderfels."
Cullen shook his head slowly, still unable to form any words, let alone express anything complicated.
"I could heal you, you know," Anders said out of the blue. "Lana is an amazing healer, don't get me wrong. Her ability for healing the body is unparalleled. My specialty is with the mind. It requires a more delicate touch to make sure all of the right synapses are connecting where they should be." Their eyes glowed blue for a second before Anders blinked them away. "I can see where they hit you most; I can see why you're having trouble forming words from the thoughts in your head. It's so clear to me."
Cullen simply blinked, trying to remain focused on what Anders was telling him.
Anders sighed. "But Alistair has forbidden me touching you. I get it; I understand why. When Alistair first asked me to come to town and he told me that we'd be working with the famous ex-Templar turned Detective . I was so damn excited. Your reputation precedes you, you know — honorable, dedicated, loyal, devout, even through everything you went through." Anders smiled wistfully. "I'm even familiar with your past and why you're hesitant to trust mages healing you." Anders looked away. "But you don't know me. Alistair also told me that you know of our old… arrangement. And I can absolutely understand how that would make you uncomfortable; how my being here would make you uncomfortable."
Cullen watched Anders lean forward and put their head in their hands.
"I was so stupid, Cullen, and I owe you an appology. I was so enamored with being here and working with you and Alistair, I didn't think that my hesitancy to talk about my husband would cause an issue. I asked Alistair and Lana not to dwell on it, or to speak of it; it was my burden to bear. But not having all the pieces of the puzzle has driven a rift between you and Alistair and I will never be able to forgive myself if it can't be mended. You two have the potential to have what I so briefly had… you both deserve that happiness."
Cullen turned his head away and closed his eyes, trying to hide the tear that slipped free.
"I know you probably don't want anything to do with me, but I want you to know my story. I think it's important for you to know that Alistair and I were never more than friends with benefits-stress relief in a difficult time-and that was something that ended the day that I met Karl. Al and I parted amicably, respectfully. He even stood with me at my wedding."
Anders put their hand on top of Cullen's. Cullen flinched, but didn't pull away.
"Cullen, Karl was my everything. Our relationship was textbook-romance-drivel, like that author Varric what's-his-name writes. But... I lived it. We met, fell in love, got married. It was bliss; it was perfect; I'd never been happier." Anders' face fell. "Then, about six months ago, he got sick. It was quick and sudden, yet slow and so very painful to watch him wither before me. There wasn't a damn thing I could have done about it. For the first time in my life, my healing wasn't enough; my powers weren't enough to save the love of my life." Anders looked up sadly. "But my powers are enough to save you - the love of Alistair's life. I know you're tired; I can see you already fading, but I also know that you're coherent enough to understand me and make a decision. Alistair specified that I wasn't allowed to heal you without your consent. So before you drift off again, will you give me permission to heal you? If not for yourself, will you let me do this for Al? Please, Cullen?"
Cullen felt the pull of sleep tugging at him; he was trying to fight through the fog to form words. He had questions; he wanted answers, but to get them, he needed to get better. He was used to judging people by their actions, identifying their intentions by reading their body language and tone of voice. Anders was showing him only sincerity. Anders was respecting Cullen's boundaries and asking permission to help. So, with very little need for contemplation, Cullen slowly nodded his head.
Anders smiled gently and stood up. Placing one hand on either side of Cullen's head, they closed their eyes and began to draw in the threads of magic.
Alistair walked through the halls of the hospital wearing Cullen's trench coat over his armor. He could have had Lana cast her usual glamour over him too, but he wanted to feel closer to Cullen right now; he needed to feel Cullen with him. Not knowing how long they would be gone, Alistair wanted to check-in on Cullen one more time before they met up with Dorian to begin searching the city for Nick. Leliana promised to make sure that Cullen would never be alone, but still, the thought of Cullen lying in his room without him broke his heart.
With his hands deep in the pockets of the long overcoat, Alistair shouldered open the door to Cullen's room. His heart nearly stopped at the image he saw: Anders standing over the bed, doing the one thing he'd explicitly told them not to—Anders was healing Cullen.
With a barely contained roar, Alistair rushed in. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Anders looked up, eyes widening in guilt and fear.
Good!
Before Anders could form the words to talk their way out of it, Alistair grabbed them by the shoulders and shoved them away from Cullen's bed. "Seriously Anders, I thought I could trust you. You promised, no fucking magic, no 'helping'." He stalked closer to where Anders was sprawled on the floor, more pissed than he could ever remember being. "How could you betray me like that? How could you—"
"Alistair…" came the faint voice from behind him.
He turned quickly to see Cullen looking at him, eyes clear, hand raised and reaching for him as far as he could in his restraints. He coughed weakly, his throat raw.
Alistair took his hand in his, trembling. "Cullen?"
"Gave… my… permission," Cullen whispered.
"You… you told Anders they could heal you?"
Cullen nodded slowly, with a hint of that familiar crooked smile before he drifted off to sleep again.
Alistair stared at Cullen, feeling his muscles go slack in his hands. Laying Cullen's hand gently down on the bed, Alistair leaned over and kissed him on the forehead. "Rest, my love. Get better. I don't want to live without you."
Bracing himself on the side of the bed, Alistair felt relief and guilt wash over him in equal measure: what he did mixed with what he almost lost. His shoulders shook with silent sobs as he tried to pull himself together.
Taking a few shaky, deep breaths, Alistair finally managed to calm down. He wiped the tears from his face and said, "I… am so sorry, Andy. I just... saw you over him and I…" He looked over at his friend sitting on the floor watching him, tears leaking down their own cheeks. Turning, he walked over and reached out his hand. "Can you… forgive me?"
Drying their eyes, Anders accepted the assistance up and immediately pulled Alistair into a hug. "Oh, Alistair. There's nothing to forgive. Trust me, if anyone knows how you feel seeing the love of your life unconscious in front of them… it's me. I am aware of what I was doing when you came in, how it probably looked to you. I am a little hurt that you thought I would heal him without his permission, especially after you made me promise, but I honestly do understand."
"I know. I should have trusted you. I should have taken the time to ask. I am so fucking sorry." Alistair pulled them in closer before releasing the embrace. Looking over at Cullen, Alistair asked. "How…" He cleared his throat and tried again, "How did it happen? The permission, I mean. He's been so out of it."
Anders shrugged, then went about straightening Cullen's blankets while they spoke, "He woke up enough to understand me, so I apologised and… I talked."
"You talked?"
"A-About my relationship with Karl and a little about you and I before Karl. I talked about how helpless I felt when I couldn't heal my own husband; his affliction being out of my control. I also told him how I was certain that I could heal him, but needed his permission before I was allowed to." Anders took a breath. "So I asked for his permission. I told him that I didn't want you to lose him the way I lost Karl, not when there was something I could do about it. That's when he nodded his consent."
Alistair nodded his understanding while tracing his fingertips over the bandages on Cullen's arms.
After a pause, Anders placed their hand on Alistair's shoulder to get his attention. "I was, uh… almost done when you came in. Would it be okay if I… finished?"
"Please?" Alistair whispered weakly, stepping back so Anders had space to work.
"He's still going to need some sleep until everything settles. Will probably be in and out for another day or so, but… " Anders eyes flashed blue as they lay their hands back on Cullen's head. "... he'll be good as new soon after that."
Alistair smiled while Anders worked. He'd missed the familiar feel of Anders' magic crackling in the air, so very different than Lana's but still somehow comforting.
After only a couple minutes, Anders eyes turned back to normal and he stepped back from the bed. "There… swelling is gone, everything is back where it belongs and firing on all the appropriate frequencies." They smiled across the bed at Alistair.
"Thank you, Andy. Remind me to buy you another kitten when this is all over."
Anders laughed. "Maker, I would never turn down another feline friend."
"How many do you have now? Or do I even want to know."
Anders sat back down in their chair and got a far off look in their eyes. "Karl bought me my last one, right before he died. Named him, Sir Pounce-a-Lot. Said I was going to need someone to keep me in line when he was gone." Anders smiled at the fond memory. "Pounce makes nine little furry feline friends that I have at home now. My neighbor is watching over them while I'm here, though I do call in daily to video chat with them."
Alistair chuckled. "Of course you do."
With an unapologetic shrug, Anders looked at Cullen. "You know… your Cullen is something else. He shouldn't have even been able to talk yet with the amount of healing I still needed to perform on him. I guess what they say about his iron will is true. When he wants something bad enough, he will find a way to make it happen. Looks like this time that worked in my favor. He wanted you to know it was ok." Anders smiled, softly. "I'm glad you found your Karl, Alistair. You deserve that kind of happiness—only... let's keep yours alive, shall we?"
"I'd like that."
"Nice coat, by the way." Anders eyed the duster draped over Alistair's shoulders. "Doesn't really match the Warden colors though."
Alistair pulled the coat around him, fastening the buttons to cover his uniform. "It's uh… Cullens. This is what he wears over his arsenal when he heads into danger. I needed to-"
"You don't have to explain. But, I do think that armor means you have someplace else you need to be. Not that I don't mind the company…"
"No, you're right." Alistair hesitated, looking longingly at Cullen.
"Go… he'll be fine. Leliana's got me scheduled in here for another hour, then that mother of yours will be in to watch over him for awhile. He won't be alone for a second and he'll be surrounded by people he loves and trusts."
Alistair raised an eyebrow at Anders.
"Okay, so we got off on the wrong foot. But that Commander of yours will come around to my charms eventually. You guys can't get rid of me that easily." Anders winked.
"Thanks, Andy. For what it's worth. I am glad that you're here." With one last longing look at Cullen, Alistair turned and headed out the door.
The next time Cullen woke up, it was to the clickity-clack of knitting needles. After a few slow blinks, his eyes finally focused on the serene presence of Mother Natalie. She was quietly speaking his favorite verse from the Chant of Light while working on another hat.
She smiled when he shifted against the bonds. "Hello, Cullen. Welcome back. Are you going to stay with us this time? Or is this another false start?"
He tried to speak, then ended up coughing. She quickly brought over a cup of water with a bendable straw and angled it toward his lips.
"They said your throat would feel raw from the breathing tube, but with cool water and a little time, you'll be back to your old self soon." She grinned. "In fact, they are quite surprised by the speed by which you're recovering. They've never seen anything quite like it. It's almost like… magic." She winked, patting his forearm.
He smiled weakly, cleared his throat, and tried speaking again. "Alistair?" he managed to ask. Thankfully, she knew what he meant.
"He will be back soon," she reassured him, taking his hand in hers and holding it gently. "He's been beside himself since you were attacked; I've never seen him quite this distraught. He's even throwing around his family name like it's nothing, just to make sure you're getting the best of everything. And between you and me? That says a lot."
"He doesn't like his name." Cullen whispered, a smile tugging at his cracked lips.
"Exactly." She smiled, softly. "I know you were on your way to make amends with him when you left me that night, that you never got to share whatever enlightenment you found at the feet of Andraste. But I don't want you to worry, he loves you with everything that he is. He needs you, Cullen. If nothing else good comes from this experience, I hope that the two of you come away knowing how much you mean to each other."
Cullen closed his eyes, a single tear sliding free. "Where is he?" He squeezed her hand in thanks.
"He's with Lana and Dorian tracking down the abomination that did this to you."
"Wasn't a p-poss…essed mage," he choked out between coughs.
She chuckled. "Oh, I know that, dear. But anyone who could do this to another person, deserves the same epithet. Besides, you know Alistair better than almost anyone; do you honestly think that he'd stand aside and let the person who did this to you walk free?"
"But… the law."
"Is currently on his side. Plus, they are only out to track him down. Once they have Nick in their possession, they will be depositing him into the hands of Rylen and the rest of Denerim's finest. Your team happens to be very protective of their Commander; I don't envy that young man. But make no mistake, he will not walk free. Even his own father is helping in the search."
Cullen's mouth opened, then closed again. He was so confused.
"Rylen was here a few minutes ago; apparently Loghain called in a tip on where he thinks Nick might be holed up."
Cullen closed his eyes again.
I must still be dreaming. Loghain is helping find Nick? Alistair's using his name to get his way? Mother Natalie is… outside the Chantry?
For the first time in months, the weight on Cullen's shoulders lifted. The shadow hanging over him was nowhere to be seen. Yes, he was bound to a hospital bed and still in pain, but he was safe and loved and hopefully soon, he would get to see Alistair so he could finally apologize.
Notes
We're coming close to the end. Just a couple more chapters. So we're starting to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Happiness is coming!
My apologies for taking so long to update. The full story has been up on archiveofourown since June of last year. I truly am sorry for not realizing I hadn't updated over here as well. I mostly only post over there now, (anything new I write is only going to be posted over there) but I will continue to update this one until all of Cocktails and Cheese is complete. The final story arc is almost ready to start posting too - I will begin adding chapters for 'Promises and Proposals' next month. If you'd like to keep updated on my work, please follow me on Tumblr (Aurlyn), Instagram (Aurlana1313), or on Twitter (Aurlana1). Most of the chapters in this current story arc came with illustrations that I am unable to post here. If you're not into AO3 - the best place to see those images is on my Instagram (it's not bogged down with much else).
Thank you for your continued support! You all make writing my happy place. :)
**extra thank you to missing-angel for the reminder that I left these poor boys hanging! I am soooooo sorry! I left Cullen unconscious for you for almost a year - that is seriously not okay. :'(**
