Chapter 53.

Soon after breakfast, they all gathered in the parlour. Cas and Dean took the couch, Sam and Sarah were on chairs. Sam noticed that Cas was still watching Dean, but he didn't seem overly worried and that was probably a good sign.

Sarah smiled at each of the three and said, "Before we start, Sam and I understand that last night's work with the link was very personal to both of you and that there may be things you don't want to tell us about. If so, we won't try to make you talk. Everything connected with the mindlink belongs to the two of you and we're here to help and to listen as and when you need us to."

"Thanks." said Dean, "I know neither of you would find it easy to quell your curiosity and that you're willing to do so for us is great. You don't have to, though. As far as I'm concerned, we can talk about it. Cas?"

"Same here." said Cas.

"Wonderful!" said Sarah, "So, what was it like? Were you able to make a safe, neutral space?"

"Yeah. Not sure how, probably best not to confuse ourselves trying to work out who did what," said Dean, "But we made a sort of replica of Bobby's place."

Sam smiled. "That's fantastic."

"Yeah, it really was. Just having that safe, familiar place took out a lot of the confusion and fear. Outside the window was a mess, all fog and weirdness. My mind, I'm guessing."

"Could have been a mixture of both." said Cas.

"Did you go out there?" said Sam.

"Not willingly." said Dean, "I told Cas not to go out there, but he saw something he just had to investigate."

"What was it?" said Sarah.

"Me." said Dean, "A version of me." He looked at Sam. "Me the night Mom died."

Sam couldn't take his eyes off Dean's face. Dean remembered that night, he did not. Dean had been haunted by it all his life. Sam could only imagine what state he had been in on the night itself.

Dean said nothing for a while. Eventually, Cas said, "Do you want me to tell them?"

"No, it's fine." said Dean. He looked at Sam again. "I didn't want the kid in the building, but Cas brought it ... him ... me in. The kid just kept crying and you know me and kids ... I'm terrible with kids."

"No, you're not." said Sam, "Kids love you."

"If you'd seen me with that one, you'd never use me as a babysitter. I was a jerk. I was a dick."

"You were afraid." said Cas, "It wasn't the child he was angry with ... "

"It was himself." said Sam, "You've never forgiven yourself for that night, Dean, even though you saved me from the fire. Even though Mom is no longer dead."

"I didn't know how much I hated that kid until he was in front of me."

"You didn't hate him." said Cas.

"Cas comforted him and defended him and I just said terrible things to him, like telling him his baby brother would die in his arms."

"And I suppose you neglected to mention that he'd sell his soul to get that brother back and spend forty years in Hell as a result."

"You think that would make him feel better?" said Dean.

"You don't need to tell us all that was said unless you want to." said Sarah, "But I'd like to know how it ended, if you feel able to tell me that."

"It ended weird. I just suddenly saw how unfair I was being to the kid. I said I was sorry and the kid hugged me." He glanced at Cas. "He was saying weird things. He was talking to me like Mom always did, telling me not to cry and that he'd always love me."

"You were crying?" said Sam, hearing his own voice crack.

"You would notice that part." said Dean.

Sam got up and went over to him. "It's nothing to be ashamed of." he said, "You're allowed to feel."

"I'm okay, Sammy." said Dean, "The kid suffered a lot more than I did."

"The kid was you." said Cas, "You suffered together." He smiled at Sam. "But it ended well, Sam. Dean finally found a little compassion for his younger self. It seemed a pretty massive breakthrough to me."

"Seems that way to me, too." said Sarah, "Well done, Dean."

"I think Cas did a lot more than I did. He wouldn't let me ignore the kid. He was so kind to him. He more or less shamed me into showing some humanity to it ... him."

"Yourself." said Cas.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Castiel," said Sarah, "How did it go for you?"

"There's no non-weird way of saying this." he said.

"We're fine with weird, my dear." said Sarah.

He looked at Dean, who nodded. "Having that child around, that little broken piece of Dean, that wasn't old enough to fake being fine and that wasn't hard enough to drive away any kindness on principle ... It felt good. I could hug him and reassure him and ... "

Dean silenced him with a hand on his shoulder.

"What?" said Cas.

"I'm sorry." said Dean.

"You want me to stop?" said Cas.

"I want you to stop feeling like I've been pushing you away for a decade." said Dean.

"Not all the time and not far away," said Cas, "But you have."

"I know I have." said Dean, "You saw how scared and lost that kid was."

"The kid let me comfort and support him." said Cas.

"A lot of progress has been made." said Sarah, "I suggest you all take a break and talk about other things and then you two try the link again later. Dean, don't feel bad about the past. Decide to make a better future and accept the message of last night, that you're no longer alone."

"And that you no longer have to sacrifice yourself for others." said Cas.

"And that Castiel loves you unconditionally." said Sarah.

"So do I." said Sam.

"All three of us, actually." said Sarah. She smiled at Cas. "And you, Castiel, now know how much he needs your love, although I suspect you always had some idea. You also know how much it helps you to be able to show your affection for him. Dean, I hope that you, having also seen that, will be a little less resistant to accepting kindness from both your brothers."

"I'll try." said Dean.

"And, of course, remember to be kind to yourself. That child needs your acceptance and love more than anything else."