Bereft

A/N: This story addresses infertility. If that's a trigger for you, you might want to pass this one by. I have family members and friends who have struggled and still struggle with infertility. I worked with them in creating this story. I want them to feel like they're better represented in literature, as many of the books and stories they've read that address infertility, the characters get the happy ending that isn't the reality for the majority. This is dedicated to them and to anyone else who faces infertility. You are not alone. You are loved. You have infinite value, and you are not defined by infertility or anything else society has claimed you should be doing.

James threw the Quaffle to Sirius who caught it easily as they sat on the back lawn of James' and Lily's home in Godric's Hollow.

"You would have made a fair player." His tone was almost accusatory, but they've had this conversation so many times now Sirius didn't even notice it.

"I never wanted to actually have to play the game," Sirius threw the ball back.

James rolled his eyes but continued to pass the Quaffle. "How was your visit with Andy and Ted?"

Sirius smiled, "It was good. Dora's a force though."

"I love kids. How old is she now?"

"Five," Sirius chuckled, "She's starting to be able to control how and when she changes her appearance. Makes life crazy for Andy."

"You know, I like to think about that part of my life." James caught the Quaffle and ran his hands over it slowly. "When I have kids of my own."

"Are you and Lily thinking about kids already?" The thought was incredulous. They'd been married only a few months.

James tossed the ball back at Sirius. "We're thinking about it."

Sirius snatched the ball from the air and smirked. "Do you think they'll have her red hair or your black mop?"

"I think the better question is if your kids will be as extra as you are if they'll manage to get some of Marlene's better qualities?"

Sirius hid the way he bristled by throwing the Quaffle with a bit more force at his brother.

"You know that isn't happening."

"Contrary to what you think, you'd make a good father. You learned everything not to do from Orion and then Dad showed you exactly what to do."

Sirius caught the Quaffle and shook his head. "Not happening, James."

"What about, Marly?"

"She and I have talked about it." Sirius tossed the ball back before standing. "You worry about Lily, I'll take care of Marls."

Sirius tried to not let the conversation bug him, but it did all the same. What bugged him the most about it was something James didn't even know about. Sirius still thanked his lucky stars that his big teenage mouth had at least gotten him something good.

He'd told Marlene at some point while at Hogwarts that he didn't want kids. It was a couple of years later he found out that was the only reason she'd stuck around when things started moving into the relationship realm between the two of them.

Marlene couldn't have kids, but outside of him and her parents and sister, no one else knew.

So Sirius did what came naturally, what he'd been doing since he was old enough to understand that Reg could hurt the same way he could when his father's fist flew or his mother's wand came out of her robes. Sirius took the heat. Any time someone brought up having children, Sirius took the fall. He played the mean selfish boyfriend who wouldn't budge. He let everyone think he was the awful one, so no one thought she was broken.

Because she wasn't! Damn everyone who would say differently. Marlene was the strongest person he knew. She was brave and loyal to a fault. She loved with her whole damn heart and soul. She was a freaking angel for putting up with him. The least he could do was let everyone continue thinking he was a jerk, most people already did anyway.

But he couldn't seem to hide anything from said angel.

"What did James say to you before dinner?" Marlene kicked off her shoes by the door of their flat.

"Nothing important," Sirius deliberately didn't look at her, instead moving towards the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

"It obviously upset you though." Marlene followed him and wrapped her arms around his middle as he filled his glass at the sink.

"I don't want to upset you," he sighed as he set the glass down and gripped the counter.

"You can tell me anything, you know that."

Sirius pulled her around in front of him and kissed her against the counter.

"Let's do this instead."

Marlene smirked against him, "I won't argue with a bit of a distraction."

And Sirius thought he'd managed to distract her rather well as they lay in their bed and watched the stars out their window.

"So what did James say?" Marlene kissed his chest and Sirius huffed.

"Ok, more sex is obviously necessary." He went to kiss her but she gently placed her fingers against his mouth.

"After you tell me what he said. I haven't seen you that upset in months. What's going on?"

Sirius shook his head as he pulled her hand into his. "Really Mar, it's not worth it."

"You're worth it."

Sirius sighed. He wasn't getting out of this one. "Well, I'm sure Lily mentioned that she and James are thinking about having kids now."

Marlene laughed, "Yeah, I think they're insane, but she seemed excited."

"Well, James wanted me to get on his crazy train."

Sirius felt his heart cramp as understanding dawned on Marlene's beautiful face.

"Oh."

"See, this is why I was trying to distract you." He pulled her closer.

"It's alright, I need to be alright with things like this."

"No, you don't. You have a right to hurt."

"But just because I hurt doesn't mean people aren't going to stop having children, or thinking I should."

"Screw them," Sirius brushed his lips along her hairline. "Screw everyone who thinks they can tell you what you should do with your life."

"Well, if I was a fully functional human then I probably would…"

"Stop," Sirius sat up and used his wand to turn on the lights. "You are fully functional. Nothing is wrong with you."

"Sirius," Marlene pulled her knees to her chest. "Survival of a species depends on reproduction and I can't do that."

"No, stop," He took both her hands in his. "We aren't an endangered species."

"You know what I mean."

Sirius hated this. He hated that he couldn't make her feel better. He couldn't fix this for her. He couldn't do a damn thing. All he could do was try and protect her as best he could from everyone else. But he was never able to protect her from herself.

"I know you don't believe me," he hung his head, "but you are worth as much if not more than any woman who can have kids."

Marlene stared down at her knees but nodded slightly.

"Really Marls," he lifted her chin up till her glacier blue eyes met his. "Just think of my dear old mummy, you're so much better than Walburga there isn't even a scale to accurately represent it."

She gave him a watery laugh and then asked the question he'd wondered about himself.

"Then why can't I have this?"

"I don't know," he hung his head again. "I don't know why. Life's not fair, it can be downright cruel sometimes. But," he looked up at her, "sometimes, it's not. Sometimes it's amazing. Sometimes, it's so generous, sometimes…" Sirius felt his throat try to close off and swallowed hard.

"This life gave me you, didn't it?" He sniffed. "This life would have killed me by now if I didn't have you. It's cruel and it takes more than is fair and I hate it more days than I want to think about, but it gave me you."

Marlene moved to wrap her slender arms wrap around his middle and then she's curled up his lap in that way only her small form allowed and he could feel the hot tears against his bare chest.

"This life would kill me without you, I can't do this without you."

He wanted to tell her he'll never leave. He wanted to promise nothing will ever hurt her. That he'll be there to make everything right for her. That if she wants kids of her own he'll get them for her. But he can't. He can't promise those things. He can't promise anything in this damned war. He can't promise her the impossible.

But he could hold her. And at that moment, he hoped it was enough. He hoped he could be enough to carry her through the cards she'd been dealt. Because Marlene was everything that was good and beautiful in this life, and she deserved so much more than what she'd been given. So much more than what had been taken from her.