Chapter Fifty Seven

As good as it feels to have my girls in my arms, I do feel a little unsteady and I'm wondering if I should have come. If the girls see me lose control of myself then I'll scare them and that wouldn't be the sign of a good father. I have to at least pretend that I'm a decent dad for their sakes. I feel numb. It's like I'm trapped in a box and my body just feels numb. It's different than feeling calm like the pills said. It's as if my emotions are trapped behind this glass wall and I'm….I'm overthinking this.

I stand up and look to Dad who is studying me. Did I do something wrong? Is it that obvious that I'm not steady yet. No. I have to do better. I have to do better for the girls. "I feel like a terrible son," I chuckle weakly before looking away. Dad moves forward and pulls me into another hug. I feel like I've had more hugs within the past forty eight hours than I have for a year. I never intended for people to think that I was dead.

"It's not your fault," Dad says and I pat my jacket pocket. Maybe if I take a couple more pills then it'll be okay. I'll be able to survive. "Are you okay? Is this too much?" he whispers to me and I shake my head, trying to smile through it but I feel strange. It's as if I'm floating and I feel sick. "Kuon?" he asks me and I look down.

"Can I u-use the bath-throom?" I ask feeling as if I'm going to throw up. Dad nods sharing a look with Mom. They have already told me years ago that I should feel a right to this house and that if I ever needed to use the bathroom or the kitchen or anything that I should just go ahead and do it. I have a spare key to every part of this house. Kyoko only has a spare to about half of it but I can enter any part myself. I run into the house, apologizing quickly on the way to the bathroom.

I'm physically shaking as I get to the closest one and then feel the contents of my stomach pouring into the bowl before me. I close my eyes as I face a sharp headache. I need to take more. I can't just throw up and get it out of my system, what if that means that I turn into a crazed psychopath later on when the girls are here. I reach across for a towel to wipe my mouth, I'll apologize to Mom later. As I reach behind me I feel someone's hand and feel Kyoko's wedding ring.

"Sweetheart," she says as she kneels down next to me, "Corn, are you okay?" she asks me and I am shaking. I didn't want her to see this. I try to keep my expression neutral but as I feel the sting from a migraine, I can't help but to cringe. "What's wrong?"

I reach into my jacket and shakily pull out the bottle of pills. I need to wash my hands and take more of these. I don't want the girls to see me like I was. I don't want them scared of me. Before I can even get the pill bottle open, Kyoko takes it from my hand and looks at it. She turns it and I'm pretty sure with her eyesight she can see that there's a lot more than two of them gone by now. I've probably taken six…eight…something like that.

"Why did you bring these?" she asks as she looks at them and then stands up. She grabs a face cloth and gently tips the pills out. "There's supposed to be one hundred and twenty pills that start off in here, right?" she asks and I nod. She looks at them before counting and her eyes widen. She's put them into groups of twenty pills, or at least there's five groups of twenty and then eight loose ones. She counts them again and stares at me. Twelve? I've taken twelve? I didn't even realize.

"Your doctor said four pills a day, didn't he?" she asks and I blink at the piles. Twelve? I mean, I thought that maybe six but how could I have just taken twelve in less than four hours. "Did you put ten of them somewhere else?" she asks and I look at her before flushing the toilet and washing my hands.

"I didn't think that I took that many," I tell her and she looks at me in a much more panicked and emotional manner than I'm treating the situation with. "I wanted to see the girls," I tell her and she looks at the pills before wrapping her arms around me.

"Can we do something right now? Can I ask you for something?" she says and I nod. "Can we talk to Father about this?" I sigh. Dad…I really wonder what Dad is going to think about this. Now even he can't argue that his son is completely f**d up.

KyKuKyKu

How about if you don't want to go into a facility here, we can talk to Boss and see if there's something he can suggest

I can't believe that Father said those words to us. He's supposed to love Kuon. He's supposed to want Kuon to be with his friends and family, he's supposed to want to keep Kuon safe. What kind of a lousy father is he to suggest that Kuon be locked away in some psychiatric hospital. I look between them. There's been silence since Father asked that question, silence for a whole…ninety seconds. Kuon turns to me and I know that look. He takes a deep breath in and I know he's afraid to ask.

"This is what they wanted you to do," I tell him and he looks away from me again, his face showing how drained he is. "You already spent so long away from m-from us. We thought you were dead."

"It wouldn't be forever," Kuon says before looking at Father. "Do you think that would be possible? I'm not a Japanese resident. I mean, Kyoko's got special duel citizenship despite Japan's claims about not doing that, but I can't just go to another country wh-wh-where…"

Father leans towards him and without even blinking tells him, "You are Kuon Hizuri. You don't have to let anyone tell you you can't do something…" he sits back and quickly adds, "apart from the police and the government but since you were planning on moving back there anyway."

I look down. I know that it's going to happen but I don't want it to. I want to argue against them and tell them that Kuon is fine, he doesn't need to be locked up in a hospital, his anger isn't that unmanageable but I don't want to risk him overdosing on pills and the fact that he took twice as many as he thought he had without realizing it, that could do some damage too.

"We won't be able to know the details until we've contacted Boss but I think something could be worked out. I think that somebody should be there with you whilst you're getting the treatment though," my back straightens as Father says this to Kuon. What is he saying that for? He knows that I am going to stay with him. I am not a widow anymore, I'm his wife. I'm going to go with him. Whether he's put into a mental hospital or not, I'm going to stay with him. I love him. I love him more than I ever knew how to love someone. "I'd be happy to volun-"

"I'm going," I tell them immediately. I don't want Father to volunteer to be with Kuon. It doesn't even need me to volunteer. Kuon needs support and I need Kuon. I need to be able to see him and have a deciding say in his treatment options. "I'm going with you," I tell him and he looks at me apologetically. I am so annoyed at him for feeling this is his fault. He hasn't done anything wrong but feeling upset about the fact that he has unwarranted guilt might hurt him further so I'll stay quiet.

"I just need to control it," Kuon tells Father and I sigh. I know this. I'm not stupid enough to fight against it and argue what is obviously wrong but it hurts me. I feel so much pain when I think about what they've put him through. He wanted to have a good life with a wife and kids, he wanted to be an award-winning actor, he wanted to return to America and have a good relationship with his parents. Why is it that other people get what they want and he doesn't?

"Do you need somewhere to stay for tonight?" Father asks and I stand up.

"He has somewhere to stay," I tell them and Kuon looks to me sadly before turning to Father.

"Did I tell you that I tried to strangle Kyoko last night?" he asks and Father looks at him with wide eyes. He looks at me warily and sees the slight bruising on my neck which is only visible under certain light. He reaches out and squeezes Kuon's shoulder.

"It's okay. I'll call Boss right now," he says and then turns to me. I feel exhausted by all of this. I could have handled it by myself. "Please don't let him take any more of those pills," he tells me and I feel my back straighten, my hands are in fists at my side. Does he think that I'm an idiot!? I wouldn't give Kuon any more drugs if he begged me for them.

I don't know what I'm about to do or say but I look over at Kuon. He's just sitting there, watching me with a very complicated expression over his face. I take a deep breath and walk over to him. I sit down and turn to face him. I see that complicated smile again, that feeling that he's disappointed me.

"You knew who I was when you asked me to marry you," I tell him and he bows his head, his expression showing how much he's fighting with himself. This obviously isn't what he wants to do but he's always trying to do the best he can for the girls and I. I wonder if there was a time these past twelve months when he really wanted to die – apart from when he actually tried to kill himself, but just continued to fight for me and the girls. Most likely. He doesn't prioritize himself very much, he has trouble even complimenting himself. "You knew that I had once had grudges powerful enough that people talked about dark energy and strange feelings around me. You accepted me for those things. I -"

"If you don't want to come, you don't have to," Kuon says and I look at him sharply.

I feel my heart pounding in my chest. After all that we've been through that is what he thinks of me? No. He's hurt. He's been hurting so badly for so long. I can't just jump to feeling pain so quickly. I wait until he's looking at me again. "Why would I not want to come with you?" I ask him and he looks down.

"I've done nothing to add value to your life, you would be happier without -"

I look at him before pulling down my shirt to show him where I have the tattoo. "You are always the value in my life. You are my heart," I tell him and reach out for his hand. He takes it. I want to make sure nothing bad ever touches him again just like he's trying to do for me.

End of Chapter Fifty Seven

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