Her metal cage swings back and forth ominously, and she remains huddled in the center, tense and alert. There are many things she expects might happen, but Edwin bursting into sobs and apologizing for being a terrible father is not one of them.

"Divebelle, you ain't goin' to believe me, but I only wanted what's best for you," Edwin blubbers.

"Then how about releasing me from this cage?" She asks, voice heavy with sarcasm.

"How about releasing us," Nami adds.

Edwin doesn't bother answering them. He walks away, muttering to himself. She hears the tell-tale noise of a door opening and closing. She counts to twenty, and with no sign of Edwin coming back, takes out her remaining knife to strike the metal beneath her.

"What are you doing?" Nami clutches her ears from the terrible sound.

"If Zoro can cut through metal, so can I," she says.

Never mind that Zoro had excellent grade swords that could withstand inhuman feats. Surely she can replicate the technique. She has the determination, skill, and ability to wield Haki after all.

(She's also really desperate.)

With a tingling sensation traveling down her arm that may or may not be from repeatedly hitting metal, the bottom of the cage gives, forming a large hole. She slides out and grabs onto the sides before she can fall into the pool below.

"Since when could you do that?" Nami demands.

"Since now," she says before putting the knife between her teeth and swinging her legs.

Once her momentum grows strong enough, she lets go and is sent soaring over to Nami's cage. She manages to latch onto the uneven, thick metal bars just in time for Nami's piercing shriek to go straight into her ear.

Why does Nami always scream? Couldn't she just not?

"Quiet," she snaps, stabbing at the bars which makes an unbearably loud noise.

It's a short swing and a drop after that, and both of them manage to avoid the pool directly below. There's still no sign of Edwin, so with Nami's help, she's able to pull the frozen Robin and Chopper out next.

"The real Edwin is dead," Robin slurs slightly with drooping eyes. "There was a funeral shrine for him in a locker."

She can't say that's something she saw coming. Did something happen while giving Edwin the Devil Fruit? Who then is responsible for causing them this grief?

"So who's going around in the diving suit?" She asks.

Chopper, eyes closed and on the verge of being unconscious, is safely tucked into her arms. By that, she means like how she carries Mini-Mihawk. It's probably uncomfortable for Chopper, but it'll have to do.

"There were these notes by the locker. All it said was that someone stole the DF85, and that the writer hopes the 'bastard chokes on all the starfish' " Nami tells her.

Her mind makes the connection immediately.

"There's literally only one person I can think of, and I use the word 'person' lightly," she says.

Once Robin recovers, the woman is instrumental in locating the office room with her ability to grow eyes literally everywhere. The puzzle-like lock is back in place, but now there are two more of the same locks beside it.

"I'll take this one. Robin, Kuina, you take the others," Nami says, fingers already working on the sliders of the most difficult lock.

The door opens in no time, and she's standing before a familiar fish tank, knife held out threateningly. Chopper, now mostly recovered, stands behind her in Heavy Point form. The starfish-plant abomination spins around irritably.

"Curses! If only I had put the lock on the inside!" Jac cries.

Robin's arms are crossed; she's ready to move at a moment's notice while Nami keeps watch on their backs. Feeling safe enough, she allows herself one stupid moment of curiosity.

"Before I kill you, answer me this, what exactly is DF85?" She demands.

"Ah, wouldn't you like to know? Well of course you do! You asked for it," Jac chuckles to himself. "DF85 turned me into this abomination. My fellow scientists cut me into pieces, hoping for a miracle. They got one when my pieces turned into their loved ones and cut them into pieces!"

That explains a few things yet nothing at all.

"So why take on the Edwin persona? Why the giant fish hook?" She wants to know.

"I get lonely," Jac says simply.

She has no words for that. Making the decision to stab Jac and get it over with, her movement is halted by a hand on her wrist. She blinks up at Robin who's blank stare is sending her alarm bells.

"Robin, what are you doing?" The grip on her wrist is tightening to painful levels.

"You really think that is your fellow friend," Jac laughs.

What?

"Your friends never came for you, you know. I've been playing dolls this entire time!"

Fear strikes her like a bucket of ice water. She turns to look at Nami and Chopper, but they have the same blank stare Robin does. Her heart sinks.

"Apparently my creations can take on the power of other DF's! I had no idea until you came along, but it's a wonderful surprise!"

Nami grabs her other arm as Chopper digs around in the dried out starfish. Chopper uncovers a small, black cube. Jac dances in delight upon seeing it.

"Mon amie, I believe there is where we must part ways. This is what you might call a mega bomb." Jac smiles sinisterly. "And once this black cube explodes, the station will find itself with a giant hole! I'll be gone into the sea, and you'll just be gone!"

She'd like to say she fought her way out of the fake Nami and Robin's grip to wrestle the cube out of the fake Chopper's hands. She'd like to say she stabbed Jac through the eye and found a way back up to the surface where Zoro waits for her with a pink katana.

She'd like to say many things.

What ultimately happens is that she lets out a long string of curses as the cube glows brighter until it's blinding. The world roars in her ears so loudly she can no longer hear herself. Her skin burns, and the anger sitting in her chest seems to tear it wide open.

And then it's suddenly over.

She opens her eyes to waves crashing against white sand. Her knife is still clutched in her hand, but Jac and his creations are nowhere to be seen.

Looking around at the beach that goes as far as the eye can see, she can only wonder, am I dead?

Considering she was just blown up, she has good reason to think so. Additionally, this place feels off in a way she can't quite describe; it's as if she walked into a painting and now stands in a world that only mimics the real one.

"Oh, little monster, fancy seeing you here."

She whirls around to find a tall man in a red coat beaming down at her with a wide grin. A black hat rests on his head bearing a Jolly Roger, and the big mustache on his face gives off a sense of familiarity.

She ignores all that to take in the coconut he's holding; there's a curly straw and a tiny umbrella stuck in it. She stares.

"Have we met?" She eventually asks.

"Yes except no," the man says. "Once upon a dream maybe."

That's as good an answer as any. It's not like she understands the rules of this world, and who can say what goes on in a dream?

They stare at each other in a companionable silence. She stares at the Jolly Roger on the man's hat until it hits her: she knows why the man seems familiar. Countless bounty posters, biographies, and newspaper clippings carried his picture and name.

"You left behind quite a legacy, Gold Roger," she says.

"Gol D. Roger. Very important distinction to make," the man says, wagging a finger.

Well, that settles that.

"So I am dead," she says with certainty.

"You're only a little dead. Just as I am only a little alive!" Roger waves an arm for emphasis.

"So this is Purgatory?"

"No, no, no! You're thinking in concepts too trivial. Expand your mind!"

"My mind is at a comfortable size," she says dryly. "What exactly are you doing here, Roger?"

"Same as you. Wandering through the veil, seeing what there is to see, and knowing what there is to know!" Roger points to the nonexistent sky. "Might also be a bit lost," Roger muses.

A crazy man on an endless, empty beach is not the hunting grounds she was expecting. Clearly this isn't heaven, so she must be in hell. It's a very weird hell.

She walks away without a word. Somehow, even though her feet are moving, Gol D. Roger remains the same distance from her despite standing still. He drinks from his coconut with a loud, messy suction noise.

"You're going the wrong way," Roger points out.

"So which way is the right way?" She asks, eyeing the same endless beach dubiously.

"No way is the right way."

"Then how can I be going the wrong way?" She asks exasperatedly.

She keeps walking. Even though she can see nothing but sand and sea, she gets the feeling there really is something on the horizon the longer she moves forward. It might be all in her head, but she thinks she can hear whispers of possibilities just lurking out of sight.

"There are worse ways, and ways that one would probably prefer over said worse ways." Roger, seeing her continue on despite his words, decides to clarify. "In other words, if you continue that way, you'll find yourself sitting on a Marine Admiral's lap."

Her feet stop in place immediately.

"Alright, where should I go?" She asks, now very willing to listen.

Roger points in a direction close to the one she chose. She gives him a judging look, but he only grins at her, giving her a disturbing flashback of a certain Straw Hat pirate.

As she walks in the direction Roger continues to point to, he filters between explaining to her all about Haki—"Bind the world to your will, ignore those so-called limits, and take on the world!" Roger tells her—and reminiscing over his crew and their adventures.

Eventually, she feels something pulling on her. The world around her becomes fragile, and the sea begins disappearing.

"Better prepare yourself! Get your knife ready, steady your breath, and firm up your butt!" Roger cries.

She tenses and holds her knife up as the sand beneath her feet shifts ominously. She can barely make out Roger's words.

"Just what am I walking into?" She demands.

"I didn't say you wouldn't be sitting on someone's lap." Roger waves at her cheerily while sucking on the coconut's curly straw.

She only has enough time to throw up a middle finger before the painting world fades away like a dream. Roger's shiny teeth is the last thing she sees.

"Bastard," she spits before realizing there is now something squishy, but firm beneath her butt.

She looks up into angry, yellow eyes and freezes. Oh no.

Upon realizing who's lap she's sitting on, she makes a snap decision. By "decision" she means her body moves on its own out of blind panic that she cannot control whatsoever.

She stabs Dracule Mihawk in the stomach. Jumping off the man who's now radiating a very clear killing intent, she spits out the first thing her brain gives her.

"That's for ignoring our betrothal contract. Getting stabbed was the penalty."

Mihawk stares at her, and she tries to look like she knows what she's talking about. Not that she does. Really brain, that's what you give her to work with?

Did Zoro's nonsense infect her subconscious? It's the only explanation.

"You speak nonsense." Mihawk reaches for the knife embedded in his gut, and she realizes with dismay that the blade didn't sink in as far as she first feared and now hoped.

High chance that the world's greatest swordsman will live. Low chance that she will too.

"I'm really not." Yes, she truly is. "You agreed to it when we first met."

"Oh?"

This is a dangerous game she's playing, but her mouth has already dug her in this deep. Might as well see it through to the end.

"I told you that I agreed to marry the world's greatest swordsman and not only did you not refute it, you gave me a gift as well," she says.

Come on, come on, remember what all those old ladies used to love to gossip about in Shimotsuki. Old-fashioned marriage vows, broken hearts, and theatrics of women scorned. Think, brain.

"Sadly, as you have broken your word and gotten yourself a girlfriend-"

She takes small steps to the balcony doors behind her; through the glass she can see a possible point of survival.

The bedroom she's in looks like a gothic king's dream—gosh that's a large bed, she's jealous— and if she can jump over the balcony railing there's a good chance Mihawk won't follow.

(She hopes it's not a long drop since she's without her wings, but desperate times call for desperate measures.)

Mihawk doesn't look up from the small couch he sits on. He slides the knife out of his stomach silently before throwing the blade onto the carpet. Blood gushes out, and he reaches around the couch for a large, black sword.

She jiggles the balcony door handles frantically. They do not open.

"-I must enact the penalty and now go cry while wandering around in my now ruined wedding kimono. We shall never see each other again, and I will die a bitter woman who will potentially come back and haunt you as a ghost."

Danger, her senses shriek at her, and she jumps back in time to avoid a large, black shockwave tearing her to pieces. She shields her face with a sleeve as the glass doors break into nothingness.

"Stupid woman, did you think I would fall for your drivel?" Mihawk's large sword, Yoru, gleams ominously.

"No, but I was hoping," she says before jumping through the new doorway.

She gets to the railing only to stop and flail with an internal scream. That is a long drop. Too long of a drop. She's getting dizzy.

Mihawk steps onto the balcony, blood dripping down chiseled abs and onto the floor, and she sighs. Looks like this is the end for her. She's going to punch Gol D. Roger so hard his teeth fall out. This is the preferred way, her ass.

If she's going to die again, she at least wishes her greatest friend was by her side this time.

It is at that moment that one Roronoa Zoro, sent flying across the Grand Line by the Warlord Kuma, slams into Dracule Mihawk, sending both men over the railing and to the ground below.

"Holy shit," she says with wide eyes before booking it.

It takes an irritatingly long time to find a way to ground level, but she finds the two passed out on the ground in a small pool of blood. A couple of pokes confirm that they are, indeed, unconscious and not dead.

In the now unconscious Zoro's grip is a familiar pink sword. She feels the sting of tears gathering in the corner of her eyes as overwhelming joy fills her.

"My greatest friend, you came back to me! Tsubasa de Tobu!" She cries, tearing the sword out of Zoro's hand.

She rubs her cheek against the scabbard and feels at peace for the first time in what feels like forever. She decides against attempting to murder Roger the next time she kicks the bucket.

"We've got some work ahead of us," she tells the katana, eyeing the bodies of Zoro and Mihawk.

It'd be so easy to stab both of them and toss them behind a bush. Sadly, Zoro is her best friend, and best friends don't murder each other. He'd never forgive her for killing his dream either, so that rules out murdering Mihawk.

Rolling her sleeves up, she drags both men inside the castle—it really is a castle, huh—up countless flights of stairs, and back to the bedroom she arrived in. By the end of her journey, she's regretting her decision against murder.

A well stocked bathroom allows her to patch up any wounds, and she puts them both on the huge king-like bed for convenience's sake. She thinks nothing of crawling onto the other side of Zoro when she grows tired.

And boy does she grow tired a lot.

Playing nurse to both Zoro and Mihawk is exhausting. Zoro won't stay still and wavers between outrage at lying next to Mihawk and wanting to duel right this second. She has to punch his lights out to get him to be still sometimes.

As for Mihawk, she ends up having to stab him until he agrees not to kill her. It is a very light series of stabs, she would just like to say. But it works, and that's all that matters.

Instead of finally issuing his challenge, Zoro, once fully recovered, bows his head and asks Mihawk to train him. Mihawk, amused enough to laugh, agrees to train the man who plans to kill him.

She will never understand these two.

"I need to get stronger for my captain's sake," Zoro explains. "We're going to meet again, and I will protect him this time."

"Well, good luck with that. I'm going to go settle down somewhere away from the Grand Line," she says.

She can honestly say she's had enough of excitement for one lifetime. Maybe she'll become a peddler, traveling island to island selling dolls.

"You will be his sparring partner," Mihawk states, voice brooking no argument.

Considering Mihawk owns the only ship on this island, there's not much she can argue against. It might not be so bad, she tells herself. She can survive a few months training with Zoro. It'll be like old times.

(She's there for two years with her only companions being Zoro and Mihawk. It's no wonder what happens next, well, happens next.)

Between beating up Zoro and beating up humandrills—apparently the island is inhabited by vicious war monkeys—she settles into an oddly domestic life where everyday might end with someone getting stabbed.

The highlight of her day is dinner. Mihawk only cooks once a day with the expectation that the two of them do clean up, but he always comes up with something yummy.

Zoro's not a bad cook, but he's not a good one either. What she makes tastes amazing, but she only knows how to cook three things. Mihawk, able to create many delicious dishes, is the defacto chef.

His wine cake is to die for.

"I will marry you for this cake," she says seriously, "and for Yoru too."

"Not if I marry him first," Zoro says, not serious in the slightest.

"Can we both marry him, or do we have to duel to the death?" She wonders.

Mihawk doesn't bother responding to their banter, knowing they'll just find something new to squabble over. No matter how many times he's tried getting them to shut up—using the normal violent methods of course—they never do.

Normally, however, the conversations over dinner stay as conversations over dinner, but the existence of group marriages continues rolling in the back of her mind.

She could probably call one of Mihawk's Marine contacts with his Den Den Mushi to ask, but that would be irresponsible.

When she gets a touch too much wine into her system courtesy of Mihawk trying to shut her up in a rare, peaceful way, she decides that, no, it's a question that needs to be answered.

"So it's possible?" She asks the snail, which looks back with sleepy eyes.

"Er, yes. It'd take some rigging, but it'd go through." The Den Den Mushi replies before yawning.

"Do we share family names? Combine them? Or keep our own?" She continues her alcohol induced line of questioning.

"Alright, let's start at the beginning," the snail sighs. "Name of the first party?"

"Koshiro Kuina," she says, using her father's name and liking how it sounds.

She doesn't find out the full ramifications of her slightly drunken adventure in the middle of the night until a week later. Having long forgotten the snail call, she can only blankly stare at the three marriage certificates rolled out on the dining room table.

"Kuina, what did you do?" Zoro, knowing exactly who's at fault for this, is unable to tear his eyes away from the paper declaring him a husband to two.

"I did nothing," she hisses.

Mihawk, silent as the grave, crosses his arms and gives her a look. The vague memory of a late night call keeps her from meeting his eyes.

"I want a divorce," she says, throwing her hands up.

She doesn't get her divorce—too much red tape and confusing paperwork, she's told over the Den Den Mushi—and she decides to pretend it doesn't exist. It does make bedtime a little more awkward.

She's thinking the three of them still sharing a bed after all this time is something most people would find even more awkward though.

(It's just so damn comfortable though. Mihawk truly did pick out the best bed in the castle, and what if the others have spiders?)

When Zoro leaves to meet up with his crew, she goes with him until she can find a ride off the Grand Line. A group of retiring pirates come at just the right moment before she's swept away into Straw Hat trouble. They say their goodbyes and promise to meet again in proper dramatic fashion.

She decides to give being a peddler of arts and crafts a go. Traveling the Blues while showing people the joy of simple pleasures, what's not to like?

A lot apparently. She ends up beheading a World Noble due to an argument over stitches. She knew her poor stitching technique would get her into trouble eventually, but she can say she never imagined it to this kind of scale.

Her life spirals into chaos as she ends up killing the Marines chasing after her, killing more World Nobles before they call the Marines, and then the pirates chasing after her bounty.

She becomes the World's Most Wanted Criminal in very short order.

With her totally-not-helpful spirit advisor's words ringing in her ears, her unorthodox use of Haki is the only reason she's able to survive the initial assault. When a Marine destroys Mini-Mihawk in front of her eyes—her precious doll she kept safe from the real Mihawk all these years—she loses it.

Kicking down Mary Geoise's gate, she burns the town to the ground and executes every World Noble in her path. Her mind, expanding far past the point of good decision making, somehow makes taking the castle for her own sound like a good idea.

She becomes King of the World with that action. It's an accident at first.

Exhausted and somewhat insane, she finds her huge, comfortable bed and defends it with her life. This is the only thing that matters to her.

Somewhere along the way she gains a loyal following in the wake of her violent path of destruction. Hundreds of people surround her with the title of "King" on their lips. She gives up fighting against fate and begins wearing a badass cape to signify her new role in society.

Deciding that she should use her newfound powers to create a better world, she orders an end to slavery and the destruction of knowledge.

Kuina, having achieved her greatest wish of freedom to do whatever the hell she wanted, lived a wonderful life full of love, bloodshed, laughter, endless traveling, and more bloodshed.

It was said she became the world's most benevolent tyrant. Her grandchildren would go on to screw things up, leading to a war that ravaged the world, but that was not her problem.

The End

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April Fools!

...wait, come back! Ahhh, I didn't mean to upset you.

The next (aka the real) chapter will be replacing this one. I'll delete it so you shouldn't have to worry about not receiving a notification for the actual chapter.

Should you, for whatever reason, desire to re-read this prank chapter, I'll be posting a permanent link on my tumblr (find me by same username: blazonix).