Aunt Futaba

"Paperwork," Futaba said, sitting the baby in the middle of her of desk, "is an excruciatingly boring chore."

She reached up and plucked a single document from the peak of a looming paper tower. "So to make things a little more interesting, we'll make origami!" She folded the paper in half. "We just fold like this, this, and then like this...until finally— walla! A paperwork swan!"

Futaba held up a graceful swan whose wings were feathered in slender black font. The baby laughed in praise.

"Cute isn't he? Although we should probably give Mr. Swan a friend," Futaba said, snatching another unsigned document. And before she knew it, she had only half a tower of paperwork and a whole flock of swans.

Meanwhile the entire time, Maya baby was absorbed in a delightful fit of bubbling squeals. She kicked, she squirmed, she played; it was great fun. Honestly, Makoto couldn't have popped out a happier child. In fact, she was so exultant that his only resemblance to his father were those glistening silver eyes (and perhaps his chin, nose, and occasional scowl too).

At some point, she kicked the remaining pile of unfolded files off the desk, creating a fluttering paper cloud that swallowed up most of the office. Futaba laughed anyways. She could clean it up later

"What is going on here?"

Her back went straight as a lightning rod. The baby stopped laughing and fell into an awestruck silence. "S-Sojiro," she stammered as her Father glanced at the papers on the floor, and then at the baby and Futaba's unusually large flock of swans. "I, uh…"

"Please tell me that's not Wakaba's research..." Sojiro grumbled

"N-No, it's mine!" Futaba gulped, she'd long since followed her mothers career path

Man, she was really going to get it this time. She could see the muscle at the corner of his brow tighten. It was one thing to neglect her paperwork, but it was entirely another to turn 'important' documents into folded art.

Sojiro folded his arms. "You're a scientist with tremendous responsibilities to your division, and you're babysitting?" It was a curt, accusing tone.

"Well, she wasn't really babysitting. It was more like, Makoto, Ren, I'm kidnaping your daughter for the next three hours!" Futaba tried to laugh it off. Sojiro just groaned

"We don't have time for screwing around. Clean this mess up and give them back their daughter!" Sojiro snapped

Futaba promptly turned around in her seat. "Yes, sir!"

She was not the least bit unnerved by his yelling. She was an Aunt, it was her job to take the responsibility of corrupting, spoiling, and kidnapping Makoto and Ren's bouncy baby girl.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Futaba asked as Maya made a face

"She's probably hungry" Sojiro grumbled "Just take her back already"

"You think she's old enough to eat Potato chips?" Futaba asked as she opened a bag, Sojiro's eyes widened


Great Uncle Sojiro

"Futaba?"

Overall, Sojiro considered himself a good person. He did his best uphold the law, he kept a watchful eye on his younger companions, and he always put their safety first. That had to count for something, right?

"Futaba!"

"S-Sojiro" she stammered, almost dropping the child. "What are you doing back so early?"

Although sometimes…

Scowling, Sojiro shot her a threatening glance. "What kind of question is that?" he demanded, then thrust a finger at the tower of neglected paperwork. "Why do you have Maya-chan?"

"Oh, well you see Makoto-"

"I honestly doubt that she asked you to babysit," he interrupted. "Especially after the last incident."

"But Sojiro-"

"Just give me the baby, Futaba."

"Why?"

"Because I'm taking her back to her parents. She's their responsibility, not ours."

Futaba tried to assure him that she could do it herself, no questions. It'll be no problem at all. Really, none at all. Yeah, right. He knew Futaba too well; she was always using the Niijima-Amamiya baby as an excuse to get out of work, especially if it involved chores or paperwork; and she would do anything to get out of paperwork. It just proved if Sojiro wanted something done on time, he would have to do it himself.

Rolling his eyes, he removed the baby from Futaba's arms. "Yeah, right," he grumbled. "You'll take too long."

Once outside, Sojiro set the baby down. She was too big, too awkward to carry very far, and she wiggled far too much. As they walked, the baby clung to his pants leg. She was an incredibly talkative little thing, almost annoyingly so. Occasionally she would tug on the black pants leg, pointing and naming trivial things.

"Gas." Maya sounded, pointing to the lawn

"It's pronounced grass." Sojiro informed her

"Geen." Maya babbled

"Green." Sojiro corrected

The child suddenly stopped, bent over, and picked up two stones of varying size. He held them up. "Wocks."

"What about them?"

The child shrugged. "They wocks." Then, as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world, he pointed to each stone and explained, "Big wock, little wock."

"You're a curious one." Sojiro chuckled

They took a shortcut through the streets, Sojiro making sure to hold her hand as they walked, earning many looks from women who found the sight adorable. Sojiro grumbled, now everyone would think he was a Grandfather.

"Hey, you!" Maya said as she tugged at his sleeve

"Not Hey, you. The name's Sojiro" He grumbled

The baby pointed to his shirt. "That pink."

Sojiro felt the blood start to throb at the corner of his hairline. "It's a shirt" He felt a bit stupid explaining this to the baby.

"Shit!" Maya giggled

"No, no no!" Sojiro panicked "Shirt! Shirt!"

"Shirt" Maya repeated happily "Sojiwo shirt!"

"Yeah, good enough" Sojiro sighed

They veered around a sharp corner. The child bobbed her head, repeating Sojiwo shirt several times, emphasizing the So and adding Jiwo with a little pop, hopping once in the air for every syllable. So-ji-wo shirt!

At last, they reached the Amamiya-Niijima house, and it was not long before he spotted the Niijima sisters, sipping tea on the porch. Makoto was with her, discussing this and that. Good. That would save him time.

"We've talked about having another" Makoto was saying, cheeks flushed. "But-oh, Maya-chan!" She set the cup down as the child toddled over to her. "What are you doing here? Did you run off again?"

"Futaba had her" said Sojiro.

Makoto's eyes widened and narrowed. "Again? You know, sometimes I want just to-"

"Tell me about it" Sojiro sighed.

"Now" said Sae. "I'm sure her heart is in the right place."

Ha. That was a laugh.

"Yeah, when it isn't bent corrupting my daughter" muttered Makoto.

"And neglecting her duties." Sojiro groaned "I should be getting back."

However, as he turned to leave, the baby tugged on her mother's sleeve. "He Sojiwo, Mama" she whispered. "Sojiwo."

"Yes, I see," she replied.

"Sojiwo Shit!" Maya babbled as she pointed at Sojiro

"E-Excuse me?" Makoto gasped as Sae desperately tried to hold back a laugh

"Shirt!" Sojiro called back "No shi-...Shirt! I said shirt! Not...that other word"

"Sojiro shit!" Maya called out

Sae couldn't help it anymore and started to laugh, delighted at the baby's newfound voice, while Sojiro felt the blood start to throb at the corner of his hairline. His eyebrows scrunched together so closely that they almost touched.

"Maya-chan," said Makoto, "Don't point. It's rude." With a sigh, she stood up and announced that she would put Maya down for a nap. It was almost noon and if Maya-chan went without a sleep, she would get cranky. Perhaps they could continue the conversation later.

As they left, the child pointed out and named various mundane objects.

"Daddy shit!"

"The word is shirt Maya-chan!"


Uncle Ryuji

Ryuji grinned, knowing that no woman could resist the charm of a bright eyed, cheerful baby and her devilishly handsome uncle. So Ryuji did what any person would do and snatched the child out of the dirt. Then he turned and shouted to Ren, "Hey, Ren! I'm borrowing your kid for a minute!"

Kidnapping was more like it, but Ryuji wasn't going to stick around for parental protesting. He headed in the opposite direction and happened to pass through Shibuya. Balancing the baby on his shoulders, Ryuji slowed his pace. It worked until the child realized how high up she was. Feeling a sudden unease, she clutched fist-fulls of Ryuji's hair, and clung to his scalp like some scared little monkey.

"Ow, ow, ow," Ryuji cursed, trying to pry his hair out of the baby's fingers. The child squealed nervously and clung tighter. "I'm not going to drop you, just let go!"

As he pried himself free, someone behind him gasped. "Maya-chan!" cried Ann. "What are you doing here?"

Aching scalp forgotten, Ryuji straightened up. "You know," he said calmly. "We're just hanging out."

He could tell that Ann was dying to hold the baby. So he held the child out and she eagerly scooped her up, saying cheerfully, "Oh, you're so cute!" Then she whirled around to face Ryuji. "You know what this means don't you?"

You'll go on a date with me?

"No," he said. "What?"

"Well if you're an uncle and I'm an auntie, then that means we must spoil her rotten!"

Ryuji eagerly agreed. Every member of the Phantom Thieves of Hearts considered themselves an auntie or an uncle to Little Maya. Everyone kept an eye out for her. Everyone contributed. Everyone had something to teach, both good things and bad things. Plus, a date was a date, even when an unofficial one in which they spoiled Maya-chan rotten. Horribly, utterly rotten. And what better place to start than with a frozen treat?

"All babies love ice cream," Ann said, after ordering a ridiculously large bowl of strawberry ice cream. The tower of pink leaned uneasily to the side.

"Can she even eat all of that?" Ryuji said dubiously.

Ann handed him a spoon. She laughed. "We'll have to help her, of course."

While eating, Ryuji watched enviously as Ann spoon-fed the baby. The lucky little one didn't even know the value of being fed by a gorgeous supermodel. Ann took a spoonful, and then paused. "What do you say?"

The baby answered, "Peas?"

Ann smiled before correcting him, "Say, I love you, Auntie Ann."

"Peas?" The baby reached for the spoon.

I could say it, Ryuji said silently before adding, if she asked. "You're teaching him to be a kiss up," he said after the baby became fed up with the game and seized the spoon to feed herself.

Ann's eyes twinkled as she laughed and winked.

After ice cream, Ann deemed it was time for toys. They visited a local toyshop where she debated over purchasing the stuffed doggy or the dinosaur plushy. When asked for his opionion, Ryuji shrugged. "Buy them both."

Ann punched his shoulder and beamed. "Of course! We're spoiling her rotten. My, you are getting the hang of this!" As they stood in line, Ann reached over and plunked a stuffed Panda from the bin of toys.

"What's that for?"

"Makoto's gonna pretty upset when she finds out how we spoiled her daughter," she said. "We'll buy her off with this." If Ryuji had known what sort of trouble they would get into afterwards, he would have insisted upon a larger, fluffier Panda.

Then, when Ann noticed how dirty the baby was, they bought her a new shirt. One shirt turned into three shirts, which became an additional two pairs of paints, some socks, and cheap sunglasses.

But the real mischief began with lunch at a local bar.

The server offered them a glass of wine, which Ann eagerly ordered and Ryuji had a glass too. Then one glass became into two glasses. Two turned into four. Four glasses became seven. Then Futaba joined their hearty celebration and seven glasses somehow turned into an entire flask, which quickly became two and a half flasks.

Meanwhile, they poured the baby glasses and glasses of apple juice. They laughed because they knew how juice went through a baby's system, and because they knew that Makoto would have to change the diapers.

They laughed at Maya-chan's delighted smile when they fed her chocolate pie, at how she would always say peas instead of please, and they laughed at her disgusted scowl when Futaba gave her a small sip of sake.

They laughed and laughed and laughed until all three were on the floor, doubled over from the hilarity of silly details. Yes, it was irresponsible. It was immature. But god, it was so much fun.

At some point, Ryuji gave up trying to stand and laid down on the bar floor. He woke up a little later, still a bit fuzzy, and found Futaba at sprawled at his feet. Ann wasn't far away either. She had Maya-chan curled up in her arms, covered in apple juice and the remains of chocolate pie. The little girl seemed to be mocking him

Ryuji laughed at the irony. Maya-chan refused to say the words Ann wanted when Ryuji knew that she could, but all he got was poor Futaba lying at his feet. Sitting up, he glanced at the Panda perched among empty cups and flasks. They were so screwed.

And Ryuji laughed at the irony of that too.

And then Makoto walked in

"GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING BABY!"

There was no more laughter