...The hospital smells like sickness.
Realistically, Kiyoshi knows that's not what it actually is... 'Sickness.' Described more aptly, the hospital smells like antiseptic... like 409... scrubbed clean, and like a crime scene.
He knows that's not completely true, either. They probably have to use a lot more intensive stuff to clean up bloody murder. But he catches a whiff of that horrible chemical smell, hears a faint beeping from another room, and decides that at the very least, a hospital and a crime scene both have something to hide.
...He does, too.
He tells Nagisa he's going to go home, but he doesn't actually have any plans to do so. Instead, when he peeks outside of the hospital room, he takes to the hallway and leans trembling against the wall.
Home's fine, he supposes, but it feels less and less familiar as of late. Less welcoming. Less… a place he belongs.
His house has never been much of a home. But somehow that always felt the fault of the people around him. Some perceived lack of effort on their part. This time, so uniquely, however... the blame seems to fall squarely on his shoulders. That the whole time it had been his fault, and he'd just never known.
That he hadn't even deserved this subpar thing. He'd taken it so for granted. But knowing the things he now knows... he wishes he'd treasured it more while he still had the chance.
His hands are shaking. He doesn't know where he's going to go now. He'd hated seeing Nagisa like that: hooked up to an IV, and so, so pale. He'd said he was fine, but all the same it just made Kiyoshi feel crushed.
...Hopeless.
Makoto had pulled him in for a hug, and Fumiko had given him a nervous wave. Nagisa had stared at him with those pitying eyes, and they'd all told him they were worried about him.
About him. About the monster. Even with their teacher in a hospital bed - even sick themselves. If it weren't so horrible, he thinks he'd laugh.
...He's not sure why he came.
'Yes you do,' he thinks. 'You were worried. Weren't you? Even if you were scared, you had to make sure he was okay.'
'You felt guilty, didn't you?' a quieter voice asks. 'Like you knew it's you who should be here.'
His head falls, and he sighs. As if on instinct, he balls his fist… slowly unballs it… and breathes. When that becomes uncomfortable to look at, however, he settles on wiggling his fingers and staring at the blank white walls.
...They're familiar, aren't they?
Even when home isn't, they are.
He's only been to the hospital once in his life. In fourth grade he tripped and ended up snapping his ankle. He'd cried the whole way there and the whole way back. Clung tight to his mom and even tried to fight off the doctors. Ultimately, they'd had to sedate him. And although that had worked to finally get the cast on his ankle, he thinks it had somehow messed him up more than it would have had if they'd just done it without the sedatives.
Drifting in and out of consciousness… heart beating slow, and feeling so helpless... staring at - memorizing - the face of each unfamiliar doctor.
...He'd had nightmares for weeks.
But even so, the cast had been off in weeks, too. And as he'd moved onto fifth grade… sixth… he'd forgotten about the broken ankle entirely.
Now, he can't help but remember it.
That person had spent a lot of time in the hospital, hadn't he? That person whose name he can't even bear to think. He remembers thinking it had been messed up, even before he'd known the truth. Even loathing that person with all of his heart.
...Two whole years.
It had been a different hospital. He doesn't remember the name. He's not sure he'd like to. Not that it matters much. It had felt more or less the same.
"Ultimately, Korosensei's torturer met a quiet end," Nagisa had explained. Back during the moon unit... before any of this had mattered. "After being propelled through the anti-sensei barrier, the nerves he'd modified were destroyed completely. Without them, he became a vegetable of sorts. Fully conscious, but unable to move, emote or speak. It's a miracle he survived at all, but he lived for almost two years in that state, before finally passing away sometime in January 2017."
He'd tried to state it like a neutral party. Factual. A lesson. About history, or about hubris. But Kiyoshi had caught the way his eyes crinkled ever so slightly with relief, and he'd known Nagisa had felt safer in a world without that man, too.
In January 2017, a monster died. And two months after him, Kiyoshi was born.
He wiggles his fingers once more. Taps them gently against the wall. Shifts from foot to foot, and rubs at his eyes - not quite sure if he's trying to wipe away the tears budding in them, or just making sure he still can. Then, limbs heavy, he turns.
...He can't stay here another minute longer.
He knows he deserves it... to think about it. The smell of sickness... the blare of a monitor... the all too ironic light flickering overhead, and the same way he'd lay still, pinned down like the victim to an operating table. But he can't. He can't - for another moment more - think about the bed sores or the boredom or the sheer, dawning horror when he'd been left alone with his thoughts.
He can't - even for a second - glance at the doors trailing down the hospital hallway, and wonder who sits behind... what monsters, or even worse - What innocents fighting their own battles? Can't wonder which of them will make it and which won't. Which of them will be afforded a second chance… to see the world through a new set of eyes, and which of them will simply wither away, only to be forgotten.
'Why me?' he asks, taking one shaky footstep. 'Why me? Me? After all I've done? Why am I here? Instead of anyone else. Surely… there's no way… that I've served my time. That that can be enough.'
'Am I… am I here because it wasn't? Is this my punishment, too?'
To have everything... to hold the world he'd so desperately wanted in his hands, only to have it all taken away?
...He wouldn't be surprised.
His hands shake like leaves and his head feels light. He briefly wonders if he's going to pass out as well, but soon scoffs at the thought. No. Probably not.
There are bigger things for him to deal with. Worse issues for the world to have him face. He would have to be out of his goddamn mind to seriously believe the possibility of passing out is the worst thing that could happen to him right now. And as such, ignoring the trembling of his lip and the stiff heaviness to his body, he leaves the hospital - and each reminder it serves - behind.
Gakushuu manages to catch him right outside the hospital.
For a second he's worried he won't be able to when he peeks his head out of Nagisa's room and doesn't catch sight of the kid. But some quick thinking reminds him that if Kiyoshi's really absconding from the hospital, he's gonna have to use the door sooner or later. He takes the elevator down to the ground floor and waits outside the entryway. Decides he can hover there for about ten minutes before admitting he's probably missed the kid and will have to try a different strategy.
Thankfully, he doesn't have to. Maybe four minutes later Kiyoshi comes out, pushing aside the heavy glass doors. His head's low to the ground, and there's this dark set of bags penciled under his eyes. His whole body's shaking. There's a stiffness to the way he walks. He doesn't even seem to notice Gakushuu at first, staring forward blankly out into the parking lot.
To be honest, Gakushuu's a little hesitant to even confront him. When Nagisa'd said he'd been worried, he'd thought it was mostly just a 'the kid was spooked' thing. (And damn, he'd felt that. Nagisa had scared him, too.) But this is something more. He looks utterly destroyed.
All the same, he gently snaps his fingers in an attempt to draw attention to himself. When that doesn't work, he clears his throat, speaking up in a careful voice.
"...Hey."
Even that takes a second for Kiyoshi to process. When his eyes finally drift up towards Gakushuu, they go wide and startled as he stumbles back. Quickly, he straightens himself up and brushes awkwardly at his pant leg.
"A-ah! Asano-san!" he says. "I didn't expect you to… I didn't realize you'd-" he fumbles over his words, nervously gnawing at his lip. "I thought you were just upstairs. What happened?"
He's got this big, fake, manufactured smile on. Gakushuu's met his mother before, and to be honest, he's starting to see the resemblance. She'd do the same thing, straddling herself over the table and ruining whatever family gathering she'd been invited to.
He sees no point in beating around the bush. Nagisa can use his kind, vague words all he wants. They most certainly have their place. But he knows full well a 'I'm just checking up on you' isn't going to do him any good today.
"Nagisa instructed me to go talk to you," he says. "You left his room in a quite frankly strange manner. What's going on?"
"S… strange?" Kiyoshi repeats, leaning from foot to foot. "...I'm not sure about strange. I mean - I was just worried - It really scared me that - I had family stuff to attend to, mostly."
He can't even keep his story consistent for a single sentence. Oh, so it's about family stuff and being spooked? Sounds likely.
He thinks that's the key difference he's noticed between Kiyoshi and his mother: where they both know exactly what to say… exactly what to do to cast an illusion, Miss Jelavic's body listens. Kiyoshi's does not.
"You're not a particularly apt liar," he notes, to which Kiyoshi stiffens. "Of course, I cannot force you to speak, but I would like you to know I've seen through your illusion. As have Nagisa... and your friends. They're worried about you."
There's this guilty look in Kiyoshi's eyes for just a second, before it fades into something more pessimistic. He scratches at the back of his wrist, grumbling. "...Ah… what does it matter? They're going to be worried about me either way."
He looks shameful to have been caught, even in such a mundane lie. Picking at his nails and blinking back tears, he staunchly avoids eye contact. He looks like a wreck. Even having never been particularly close to him, (Kiyoshi had always 'vibed more' with his parents' students) it breaks Gakushuu's heart to see. Someone doesn't look that broken… that hopeless unless they're seriously out of options.
He sighs, and opens his mouth to speak. But Kiyoshi beats him to it.
"I just don't know what I'm going to do, Asano-san-"
He says it quickly, hushed... like he's ashamed. And Gakushuu's still not sure what his dilemma is. But he's now gotten more out of Kiyoshi than anyone else has so far. He'll take it. He steps closer, holding a careful hand out.
"Well, I do. I have a free afternoon. Mind taking a moment to illuminate me on what's worrying you, or are your family issues simply too pressing?"
Kiyoshi's eyes flitter towards Gakushuu, then away, then back, as if asking 'you seriously believed that?' But when he meets his expression, his shoulders lower.
"...I'd hate to- Your husband is… really sick- I shouldn't waste your time."
"This is all my sick husband asked of me, so if you feel so sorry for his state, then why not give me a moment?"
Kiyoshi hesitates a second more, staring at his outstretched hand. But finally, he takes it.
"Well… I do think there are some things only you could get," he admits. "Can we… can we go somewhere private?"
"Of course," Gakushuu says, fumbling at his pocket with his free hand. He retrieves his keys and glances towards them, then back towards the trembling Kiyoshi. "I'll do what I can."
...Kiyoshi doesn't know what he's doing.
He doesn't want to talk to Gakushuu. Not really. But all the same, he hates the pitying, guilty way he stares at him, and he hates the growing hole inside his chest. He hates that he's worrying his friends, and he hates that he's putting more on Nagisa's plate when he already has so much to be stressed about as is. He wishes he could just close his eyes and disappear.
But he can't. As much as he'd like to, he can't. And if he has to speak to anyone, he thinks he'd prefer it to be Gakushuu. He won't say those words… the ones he can hardly say to himself: "I'm that person," but maybe he can ask, "What do you do after you've done something truly horrible?" and receive a genuine answer... without a risk of being caught.
Gakushuu hadn't known him back then, had he? No... he doesn't think so. Gakushuu had never been involved in any of that. It's always been a sore spot for him. Up until recently, Kiyoshi had felt that. They'd been outcasts... on the sidelines... together.
...Now that they're not, he thinks Gakushuu might just be the luckiest guy here.
Nevertheless, he's pretty certain Gakushuu won't catch him in the act; find out what he's done. He has much more important things to think about than men in masked robes, and Kiyoshi can scream at the top of his lungs if he wants. Even then, Gakushuu will never put his finger on what he truly is.
Kiyoshi wonders if that's worse somehow. If he's taking advantage of someone who couldn't possibly know any better. Before he can dwell on it too much however, Gakushuu clasps his hand tight, fiddles with his car keys and finally manages to get open the goddamn door. He hops in the drivers' seat and motions for Kiyoshi to follow, patting the seat next to him.
"Unless you want to get in the back?" he asks. "I'm not sure if you're big enough for-"
"No. It's fine," Kiyoshi says, sitting down next to him. "I'm fine."
"Mmmm."
"Sorry it's nothing glamorous," he admits. "The car, I mean. But I couldn't particularly think of a better place to get some privacy."
"No, no. It's okay," Kiyoshi reassures, deciding not to touch on how 'nothing glamorous' is a pretty ironic way to describe a goddamn Porsche. "...Anywhere's fine."
Gakushuu takes a moment to text his spouses. Then, pocketing his phone he asks "Would you prefer I put on some music, or is this more of a discussion apt for silence?"
Kiyoshi gives a shrug.
"I can drive if you'd like. Nowhere far, but… it might help you get your mind off of things."
"...Do whatever you'd like."
Gakushuu sighs and starts up the engine. Running his fingers through his hair, he's got this deep, thoughtful look on his face. His finger taps on the wheel as he starts to drive in circles around the parking lot.
"Buckle yourself in, will you?" he asks.
Kiyoshi doesn't particularly want to. He'd much rather go flying out the window and smash his face on the concrete in a gory spectacle, but something tells him Gakushuu isn't going to crash the car either way, so he does as said if only to ease his nerves.
Gakushuu's eyes are fixed in front of him, but every so often he sends Kiyoshi these concerned, tired looks, as if saying, 'Whenever you're ready.'
Kiyoshi doesn't think he'll ever be.
He hates just how hard he's trying. He can pretend he's not, but Gakushuu is clearly trying his hardest. Hands clutching the wheel… mouth creased back into a frown. He drives aimlessly, and he tries to look small... tries to look gentle... tries to say 'you can trust me.'
Kiyoshi wishes he'd understand. Wishes all adults would understand, quite frankly. That… it's not some lack of effort on their part. That it's not something they're doing wrong. He's just… like this. And he can't be fixed.
"...And so… what is it?" Gakushuu asks on their second lap around the parking lot. "If you'd like to talk about it, that is. If you'd just like a moment of silence…" his words are stiff: carefully rehearsed. "...well, that's fine."
He knows exactly what to say. Probably read it in self-help books and heard it from therapists. 'This is what your father should have said to you when you felt this way.' And Kiyoshi wishes he could appreciate the thought, but it's just…
...He doesn't know. It's just hard.
When he doesn't speak, Gakushuu's eyes drift back towards the front window. And he simply sits there in silence, tapping his finger on the wheel.
That's when Kiyoshi speaks up.
"...When these things happen, do you ever think it's somehow your fault?"
Gakushuu just about crashes the damn car.
To be honest, he hadn't expected Kiyoshi to speak at all. In fact, he was just about to ask him if he wanted to get out of the car. As much as he'd like to get to the bottom of whatever it is that's bothering him, he's not gonna force it out. He'd pretty much accepted silence as the most he was gonna get when Kiyoshi first opened his mouth to speak.
"...Pardon?"
"Stuff… like… what happened to Nagisa. Do you ever blame yourself?"
He's not looking Gakushuu's way. He's staring out the side window, his hands folded neatly on his lap. They're still trembling like leaves.
That said, Gakushuu thinks he's starting to finally get the full picture. It's not that the situation had just scared Kiyoshi… it had made him feel helpless. Maybe he wishes he'd called the ambulance sooner. Maybe he wishes he'd done some form of CPR. Looking back on the situation, surely there's something he wishes he could have gone about differently.
"I mean… of course," he replies. "I think we all wish we could have gone about situations like that better in hindsight. But it's no reason to blame yourself. It's natural to freeze up in unfamiliar situations. Especially ones as scary as that. You shouldn't beat yourself up ov-"
"No," Kiyoshi interrupts. "I mean… like… do you ever worry you caused it?"
Gakushuu's brows furrow. He squints and slows down the car.
"...I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
Kiyoshi seems to clam up some at the rejection. His fingers interlock. He squirms uncomfortably. But there's a resolved look on his face as he stares out the window and speaks up in a quiet, firm voice.
"Now… don't take this the wrong way - please - but… you weren't always a super nice guy, were you, Asano-san?"
Now that catches Gakushuu by surprise. His knuckles go white as he clutches at the steering wheel. And this time it's his turn to avoid Kiyoshi's gaze.
"...Ah… no. I suppose I wasn't," he admits in a monotone voice. "But that was a very long time ago."
"I know! I know!" Kiyoshi quickly agrees. "And I'm not - I'm not accusing you of - I don't think you're still - You're not bad. I just… heard from a friend that when you were a kid you could be pretty mean. Something about starving Isogai-san's family?"
Gakushuu squints. A friend, huh? Unless Isogai himself had told the kid over brunch, that's probably going to have to have been Makoto. Isogai's no snitch. And besides, that would account for the… blatant misinformation.
"Well I'm not sure about starving," he says, brows knit. "But… yes. I did get in an argument of sorts with Isogai back in 9th grade. It was just less starving the guy and more a form of intense, psychological warefa…" he drifts off. "Okay. No, that doesn't matter. I'm starting to see your point. But what about it?"
"Well… uh… you did a lot of things like that, right, Asano-san? Arguing with the E-Class? Picking on them even when they couldn't stand up for themselves?"
Gakushuu frowns, rubbing at his chin with one hand.
"Indeed," he muses. "I'm big enough to admit that now. Is that… what this is about?"
Him? Could Kiyoshi's issues seriously be about him? No. It's just not likely. But… what if? Did Kiyoshi hear something about him from Makoto and get scared? He couldn't exactly blame him, but what on earth does that have to do with him avoiding his friends? Is Kiyoshi blaming him for-?
"...If you no longer feel safe around me-"
"No! No!" Kiyoshi interjects. "That's not it! That's not it at all! I was just - thinking about - you… you feel bad about those things, right?"
"Of course."
"And you'd hate it if someone treated you that way, right?"
"Mmmm."
"Do you ever think that when… bad things happen to the people you care about… it's somehow your fault?"
Gakushuu stops the car. He pulls into a nearby parking space and stares out the window.
"...That it's like… your punishment?" Kiyoshi continues.
There's… a lot to unpack there. Genuinely concerning behavior. He rests his chin on his hands, closes his eyes and thinks.
"Are you implying this is my fault?" he asks.
"No! Of course not," Kiyoshi responds. "I think maybe… it might be…" his voice peters off. But he doesn't need to finish the sentence for Gakushuu to get what he was going to say.
'...Mine.'
Turning his body towards Kiyoshi, he opens one eye. Observing the quivering boy, he speaks up.
"No. I don't think I believe that," he admits.
"...Oh," Kiyoshi says. "...I do. Blame myself, I mean. Not you."
He's still not looking Gakushuu's way. In fact… Gakushuu's not sure if he's made eye contact with him once this entire conversation.
"It's karmic retribution you're talking about, yes?" he asks. "Bad deeds being repaid with bad, and good deeds being repaid with good?"
"...Ah… yes. I suppose it would be something like that."
"As nice of a thought as it is to believe the world could function like that, trust me when I say I have more than enough life experience to refute it. We live in a world where terrible things can happen to wonderful people, and abhorrent people can make it off scot-free. I've seen it time and time again. There is little rhyme or reason to the things that happen."
"Although I suppose this is not one of those situations. What… just happened to Nagisa was not a result of 'karmic retribution' or pure chance. The only reason he passed out like he did was his own stupidity. He didn't take care of himself, and he ended up experiencing the fallout. Because unlike 'karma,' our bodies are very much something that definitively exist. And they're capable of punishing us where 'fate' is not."
"Of course, now that it's happened, it's our job to make sure Nagisa never behaves in a way that will allow this to happen to him again. If we were to turn our heads and feign ignorance, then it would become our fault the next time it occurs. But no: believe me when I say no mistake you have made forced this to happen. It's not as if you held a gun to Nagisa's head and told him to not sleep."
"...I know," Kiyoshi says. "Like… logically, I know. But there's just this… there's just this little part in me that keeps saying 'you deserve to suffer. And if you won't care when we hurt you, then we'll hurt the people you love instead.'"
Gakushuu frowns, eyebrows creased, and one hand still clutching the wheel. The other hangs awkwardly by his side, folded on his lap.
"It… can't. I know how it feels to have thoughts you cannot control, but believe me when I say it can't. Some… sense of guilt is not going to harm your loved ones. Nothing else is going to happen to Nagisa. As his husband… as the adult here, I will make sure of that. In that department… you have nothing to worry about."
He watches Kiyoshi carefully. Observes the way he carries himself, and the way he curls one leg up by his side. There's these dark lines under his eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept in a week.
"But I must ask… what is it exactly that's making you feel that way? That you are… deserving of such horrors?"
Kiyoshi's quiet for one long moment... thinking, he stares out the window with watery eyes. And like something's snapped inside of him, the dam finally breaks. One tear trails down his cheek, then another. He gasps for breath and bats at his eyes, quivering like a leaf. He turns to face Gakushuu and lets out a low, pained whimper.
"...I think I did something really bad, Asano-san."
Kiyoshi hates his fucking self.
He hadn't meant to cry. He really hadn't. He'd just wanted to have a civilized discussion with Gakushuu… like adults. But the moment Gakushuu had started staring at him that way it had become too much to bear.
'What did you do? To think you deserve such horrors?' like he hadn't already known.
...Because he hadn't. He doesn't. Kiyoshi had picked the one person most unsuspecting to vent to. The one person he'd known would look at him with those pitying eyes. And for what? He knows he doesn't deserve pity! He knows he doesn't deserve sympathy! What is he doing!?
He should be talking to Nagisa! Telling Makoto! Letting Fumiko know she's been tricked! Not pity-mongering in Gakushuu's van!
He'd just thought… he'd just thought that maybe Gakushuu would get it. Know what it feels like to be bad. But he'd been out of his goddamn mind. What was he thinking!? Placing a grade school bully on the same level as a wifebeater. Gakushuu is nothing like him! He'll never get it! They're a million worlds apart!
He's staring at him with those same sympathetic, hapless eyes. The ones that say 'I don't know what to do.' And Kiyoshi feels bad for pinning so much responsibility on him. It's not his job to fix Kiyoshi. He doesn't even know what he's talking about! He just thinks some innocent little boy he's seen grow up from an infant is breaking down for no reason. But he's not! He's not!
There are more reasons than Gakushuu could possibly ever understand!
He knows he's going to ask. He knows he's going to say it... that, 'Well what did you do?' and he hates it. He can't say it! He can't share! Even Gakushuu - the one he knows the least - is somebody he doesn't want to resent him! The thought of that alone makes his breath hitch and his stomach turn. What if he tells them!? What if he tells everyone!? What if the truth comes out, and all that Kiyoshi will ever be remembered as is a monster?
Asano opens his mouth to speak, but he doesn't get far.
"...And w-"
"Pleasedon't-" Kiyoshi interrupts. "I can't. I can't. You're gonna hate me Asano-san… if you know. Please don't ask. You're gonna hate me. You're gonna hurt me- I don't wanna… I don't wanna- I don't know why- I didn't wanna say that. 'm just… 'm just… so tired, Asano-san. I don't know what I'm gonna do-"
Wiping his snot with the back of his wrist and his tear-stained cheeks with his elbow, he blubbers incoherently. Sobs and makes some desperate attempt to catch his breath. "I'm sorry-" he whispers over and over. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." in a broken, selfish voice; one that can't even bear the weight of 'why?'
...Gakushuu attempts a different method. Reaching a careful hand out, he places it on Kiyoshi's shoulder. And when Kiyoshi jumps at his touch, he doesn't budge... just stands there, holding him.
"Okay," he says in a calm voice. "I wasn't... I wasn't going to ask," he says. "I swear... I wasn't going to ask you what you did."
"You weren't?" Kiyoshi asks with a sniffle.
"...No. I'm well aware of what's not my place," Gakushuu says. "I was going to say… and this may sound rather callous, but… what does it matter?"
"Pardon?"
Gakushuu sighs. "I can't claim to understand what it is you're going through right now. I'm not sure I want to. But if you really, truly believe you've done something horrible, my question for you is… so what?"
"So what!? So what!?" Kiyoshi demands, tearing himself away from Gakushuu. "What do you mean 'so what!?' I hurt someone! Like really hurt someone! And I will never be able to make it up to them! Why on earth wouldn't that matter!?"
His fists ball, and his grief morphs to anger. He stares at Gakushuu with disbelieving, teary eyes, and clenches his jaw so tight it hurts.
"Now listen to me carefully," Gakushuu says. "Don't misconstrue me. I didn't say it doesn't matter. I would never say it doesn't matter. I'm saying… what can you do about it now? Whatever it is you've done… whatever it is you're beating yourself up for: it's in the past. There's no changing it. All you can do is attempt to strive for better in the future. And it's clear from your reaction that you will."
"This… this idea of 'I deserve to suffer.' 'I hurt everything I touch' is going to get you nowhere in life. And I know it's quite untrue in regards to you, Kiyoshi. You're a wonderful young man. And trust me when I say I know from years of experience that a messiah complex will do nothing to make you feel better about yourself. It's only going to make you feel worse."
...'A better future.' Gakushuu says it so confidently. But how can he know? How can he be certain? That he won't... that he won't just do it again?
"I… I know. These things you keep telling me. I know. But it just… it feels horrible, Asano-san. I feel horrible. I don't know if I can stop it."
"Perhaps not," Gakushuu says, shutting his eyes. "But even so… it's never too late to try."
Kiyoshi's quiet. He wipes at his eyes and sniffles.
"Can I tell you a story?" Gakushuu asks. "...About the scenario you brought up earlier. I think it may help you understand the scope of things just a little bit better."
"The… scenario?"
"With Isogai. I think I'd like to tell you about my relationship with Isogai."
There's still this gaping, horrible hole in Kiyoshi's chest... consuming his thoughts and ravaging his being. But he figures he at least owes it to Gakushuu to try and listen. He nods, murmuring a quiet "...Go right ahead," as he fumbles around in search of a box of tissues.
Gakushuu passes him one, gaze stern as he speaks up. "Everything Makoto told you about Isogai-san and I was correct. I was deeply cruel to him as a child… in the same way I was deeply cruel to many people. 'Psychological warfare' is no exaggeration. I took his insecurities… his vulnerabilities, and I exploited them: just because I could. I knew deep down that getting him expelled would in no way actually assist the A-Class. But I was angry... and I felt slighted... and I took it out on him. There is no other explanation. I did something terrible."
He pauses, as if to let that sink in for a moment. And once he's given Kiyoshi a chance to blow his nose... shake his head... he smiles.
"But you're a smart boy, aren't you? You've known Isogai-san and I all your life. Do you think our relationship is particularly one of strife?"
Kiyoshi bites his lip.
"No," he admits. "Not at all."
That's why it had come as such a surprise, hadn't it? When Makoto had shared that fun little factoid about Gakushuu. Sure, Isogai and Gakushuu had never struck Kiyoshi as best friends , but they got along well enough. He'd always known in some part that Gakushuu had at one time been the E-Class's enemy, but they've never particularly treated him that way.
"Ex- actly," Gakushuu says. "And why do you think that is?"
Kiyoshi gives a halfhearted shrug. "Time?"
It's said to heal all wounds. He's not so certain about that anymore, however. There are just some things that can't be forgiven.
And that's when Gakushuu laughs at him. Laughs!
"Time?" he asks. "Of course not." He rolls his eyes. "'Time.'"
Kiyoshi mutters, annoyed. "...What is it, then?"
"Accountability. I told Isogai I'd been in the wrong. I let myself get to know him better and I told myself I'd do better by him in the future. Then I did."
Kiyoshi's shoulders sink. "...Ah," he says. "I should have guessed. I've been… thinking a lot about accountability lately."
"No. You haven't,' Gakushuu essays "This… whatever it is you're doing: it's not accountability. When you've done something horrible… none of that mopey, self-pitying nonsense is going to fix it. That's not accountability. Accountability is having the guts to look someone you hurt in the eye and say 'I was wrong.'"
And he wants to! He wants to do that! He doesn't want to be self-pitying! He doesn't want to victimize himself! He's just… he's scared! What if he only causes more hurt!? What if it's… inevitable!? What if…
"...What if they never forgive me?"
...
...
...
"Then so be it."
Gakushuu leans back, stretching his arms and splaying his hands against the steering wheel.
"You cannot expect everyone to forgive you. That's what accountability is: taking however it is people react to you, and admitting ' this is the consequence of my own actions.' Not some karmic retribution, but how it affects the ties we have between others." He sighs. "Listen. I'm not sure if you've noticed this, but some of your parents' students still don't like me. They still don't want to be around me. And that's fine."
"I understand why. And I don't blame them. That's why I don't show up to their little class reunions. That's why I don't beg to be let into their group chat anymore. I'm lucky enough to have forgiveness from the people who are willing to give it to me. And god knows there's some people I'm not willing to forgive myself."
"That's what accountability is: Accepting that. The good and the bad. What more can you possibly do?"
"I… don't know," Kiyoshi admits, his gaze drifting back to the window. He stares out at the hospital parking lot and the cars pulling in. He still remembers when staring out a window was all he could do.
"It just… hurts, doesn't it?" he asks. "To think… that you… that you can't just fix it? Doesn't that feel bad? Doesn't it haunt you?"
"Of course it feels bad," Gakushuu says, drumming his finger on the wheel. "But trust me when I say it's a whole lot easier to sleep at night when you're at peace with the things you've done."
"Mmmm," Kiyoshi murmurs, pressing his cheek to the glass. It's only now that he seems to realize just how tired he is. All he wants to do is go home and pass out.
...Even if it means he'll have to face that person again.
"Does it ever stop hurting?" he asks, his voice low.
Gakushuu takes a moment to mull that over. And then, reaching out a hand to place it on Kiyoshi's shoulder, he says, "Yeah. I think so."
"It's always gonna hurt a little: knowing you made the world a worse place. But all you can do is look out towards the future." He squeezes Kiyoshi's shoulder. "I was… pretty hopeless at your age, too. Didn't exactly have a good relationship with my father or with myself. But… look at me now." He scratches at the back of his neck. "I like to think I'm doing pretty alright."
"Not what I expected, most certainly, but… alright. I'm lucky to have this family I'm so scared of losing... even if it's made up of the people I once thought I had to fight against." He gives a tired smile. "...Life surprises you in those ways."
"I know it's saccharine to hear this garbage from adults, but… you're gonna be okay. I swear. I don't say things I don't believe… can't cite. You're gonna be just fine. I know it from experience."
...Kiyoshi's still not sure he believes that, but it does make him feel better... just a little. Gakushuu is an honest person. He'd never say something he doesn't believe. There's always the possibility he could be wrong… their situations are so starkly contrasted... But…
Gakushuu's smart. Gakushuu's empathetic. It feels good to hear that from him, just a little.
"...Thank you," Kiyoshi says. "I know this was a lot to dump on you, but really - sincerely - thank you."
Gakushuu gives him half a smile. "No need," he says. "Thank you for trusting me with this. I don't think I ever would have been able to get Nagisa to sleep without bringing back some good news."
"Sorry about that, again."
"What did I tell you? Not your fault. There's only one type of karma here to punish us in this life, and it goes by the name 'Akabane.'"
Now that earns a chuckle from Kiyoshi, even as he shakes his head. "No. Not for that," he says. "For worrying you all, I mean. Worrying Nagisa."
Gakushuu sighs. "I'm not going to say it's fine," he admits. "You really have given all of us a scare - your friends especially. But there's no need to apologize. Just… don't be a stranger? Okay? No matter what happened, you'll always have a home with us." He pauses. "Or… with me, at least."
...Kiyoshi feels his heart skip a beat at the mention of his friends. He's still not sure what he's going to say to them… if things ever really will be okay, but Gakushuu's next words make his heartbeat slow, and his chest warm. He's not sure if that's completely true… whatever it is Gakushuu thinks he's done is probably a lot more mundane than the reality, but it's nice to believe for just a second.
"Thank you, Asano-san. Thank you."
And before he even knows what he's doing, he's wrapped Gakushuu in a hug. He buries his face in his chest and blinks back tears, continuing to murmur all the while.
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you-"
Gakushuu tenses some. But slowly... he relaxes. And placing a hand on Kiyoshi's head, he gives his hair a gentle ruffle.
"...You're not going to take any answer other than 'you're welcome,' are you?"
"No. Probably not."
"Well then. You're welcome, I suppose."
And for a moment, Kiyoshi's safe. He's not the cruel scientist sitting in the wreckage of his own hubris. He's Kiyoshi Karasuma. And he's happy. And Gakushuu believes in him. And he's proud of him. And things are going to be okay.
...The feeling fades quickly as he remembers who he is. But he clings tight to it… tries to hold on to some little piece of it: a memory that may just serve as reassurance, even during his darkest days.
He pulls away and gives Gakushuu a smile.
"I should probably get going," he admits. He still feels lethargic. Too heavy to move.
"Very well," Gakushuu says, already reaching for the keys. "I can drive you home if you'd li-"
"No thank you," Kiyoshi says. "No need. It's… uh - not a long trip. I walked here. I appreciate it, though."
"Of course."
Kiyoshi reaches for the door and unlocks it. Hops out, and glances back over his shoulder at Gakushuu.
"...Tell Shiota-sensei I'm okay, okay?"
"I'll tell him you're working on it," Gakushuu says simply.
"Mm-hm," he pauses. "And… uh… don't tell him I said I did a bad thing, alright?"
"Of course."
Kiyoshi readjusts his jacket, shivering slightly as he rubs his hands against the inside of his pockets. It's a chilly day out, and he's not particularly fond of the wind. All the same, he doesn't pull his hood up. He'd much rather be seen for who he is than hide his face, whatever that means.
...He thinks he's still getting it figured out.
"And… uh - thank you... for caring about me."
Gakushuu shoots him another surprised look. But already beginning to make his way back into the hospital, he smiles.
"...Of course. Always."
And with that, he's gone.
Kiyoshi's still not sure how he feels, standing outside of the general hospital at 1:30 PM on a Friday afternoon. But as he makes his way out of the parking lot, one foot in front of the other, he decides at the very least Gakushuu has given him a lot to think about.
...Accountability, and whether he's holding it or not.
Gakushuu lets his spouses know the minute he steps onto the elevator.
He figures he could just tell them when he gets up to Nagisa's room, but he knows how neurotic Nagisa can get. The sooner he gets good news the better. He whips out his phone, notes the time and sighs.
[1/13/2031 1:24 PM:] [Gakushuu ]: I communicated with Kiyoshi.
[1/13/2031 1:24 PM:] [Gakushuu ]: I think he will be fine.
[1/13/2031 1:25 PM:] [Gakushuu ]: He is just going through some sort of rough patch.
[1/13/2031 1:25 PM:] [Gakushuu ]: I would keep an eye on him, but it's nothing worth stressing over right now.
[1/13/2031 1:25 PM:] [Gakushuu ]: He and I had a good cry session. I think he's feeling somewhat better.
The elevator dings and he steps off.
[1/13/2031 1:25 PM:] [Nagisa💙]: Cry session!?
[1/13/2031 1:25 PM:] [Nagisa💙]: Why was he crying!?
[1/13/2031 1:26 PM:] [Gakushuu ]: He didn't feel comfortable sharing.
[1/13/2031 1:26 PM:] [Nagisa💙]: ...Ah.
[1/13/2031 1:26 PM:] [Gakushuu ]: I'd avoid bringing it up with his friends as of the moment. He tensed up when I mentioned them. May be related to some sort of argument.
[1/13/2031 1:27 PM:] [Karma❤️]: Let's not jump to conclusions. Once I saw Kiyoshi cry over a Reddit thread about swans.
[1/13/2031 1:27 PM:] [Kayano💚]: Once I saw Kiyoshi cry because his dad wouldn't let him dye his hair until he was 13.
[1/13/2031 1:27 PM:] [Nagisa💙]: ...Isn't that the time he got you to do it because his parents wouldn't?
[1/13/2031 1:28 PM:] [Kayano💚]: No comment.
Gakushuu snorts softly. It's funny… they really have seen Kiyoshi cry a lot, haven't they? He supposes that just comes with the territory of the boy being sensitive, but it also makes him realize just how much they've watched him grow up. It feels like just yesterday he called up Nagisa, a crying mess, because he'd watched an ASPCA commercial on Youtube and couldn't help because he didn't live in America.
...Is that really the boy who believes he's done something evil?
To be frank, he has no idea what it is Kiyoshi could have had done to earn that sort of reaction from himself. But it must have been bad. Even in all of Kiyoshi's crybaby life, Gakushuu has never seen him cry like that before.
It's almost scary.
But he's given little time to think about it as he reenters Nagisa's room. He gives him a hug, and repeats that everything seems to have been fine.
"The business call went well," he lies, remembering the kids are in the room. "Mitsubishi had a bit of trouble opening up to me at first, but I think I managed to break down their walls."
He and Nagisa exchange a knowing glance. Kayano laughs slightly, and the corners of Karma's eyes crinkle with his smile.
They check Nagisa out soon after.
The doctor reassures that he should be fine as long as he gets some rest. There's nothing overly concerning about his health, and no reason to worry unless the behavior continues. (...It won't.) Get him some sleep, some liquids, a good meal and he should be good as new.
They drop the kids off at their homes before arriving at their own. (Er… at least… sorta. It's a whole debacle. They drop Makoto off at his home and drop Fumiko off a few blocks from hers because she wouldn't wanna risk being seen stepping out of his 'rundown vehicle' by her parents. A notion which Gakushuu fully gets, but also… hey! Leave his Porsche out of it!)
They both give Nagisa a tight hug before they bounce. Fumiko squeezes his neck, reminding him to be careful. And Makoto stage-whispers in his ear, telling him that he better start taking care of himself, or his sensei is gonna get really angry!
Nagisa laughs softly, reassuring them that he will. And although that doesn't seem to ease all of their tension on their shoulders, each walks home with confidence.
...They really do love him.
All of his students. Nagisa had described just how scared they'd been earlier, and it had somehow managed to warm Gakushuu's heart and break it completely at the same goddamn time. He gives himself far too little credit for the impact he has on those kids' lives.
They need him.
Thankfully, he stays true to his word. The moment Nagisa's home, he's conked out on the bed. Kayano drapes a blanket over him and Karma gives him a kiss on the forehead, murmuring "Rest well, sleepyhead."
Gakushuu simply smiles... gazes at him a moment more… then goes.
Kayano and Karma spend the afternoon making him soup. Stumbling over each other and laughing as they reach for this or that. Gakushuu briefly considers joining in, but decides he's had too long of a day to really give it his best effort. He may not be the guy who passed out, but he's exhausted.
Instead, he simply perches on the couch... does some brief work, and combs through a book. Glances at his phone, and wonders about today's events. About how Nagisa's to behave from here on out, and if he really believes his husband is even capable of it. About tears exchanged at the hospital, and the strange incident with Kiyoshi.
It's strange, but for once he really feels like he'd known what to say. For a very, very long time now he's seen Nagisa as the only one capable of changing those kids' lives... holed himself away in his room and in his books when they were over. Because he was somehow convinced he'd irrevocably harm them. That he was bad, and he wasn't capable of getting through to them in the same way his husband was.
But this afternoon had felt different. He'd felt as if he'd really made a change. And when Kiyoshi had pulled him in for a hug, murmuring thank you time and time again, his heart had glowed.
Nagisa wakes up just past seven. And even as he insists he doesn't need a hand, his spouses lead him into the kitchen. Kayano and Karma brag, asking him what he thinks of the soup, and he grins from ear to ear, looking just about ready to melt.
"...It feels made with a lot of love."
He doesn't get to stay up long. They set his curfew at nine.
"You can certainly stay up somewhat later once you're in a better state," Gakushuu says. "But as for tonight, you're resting. The goal is to get you on a better schedule, after all, not a worse one."
...Nagisa knows better than to fight it just this once.
His spouses crawl into bed next to him. Kayano nuzzles herself up against his chest, and Karma spoons him with comforting arms. Gakushuu, forced to keep his distance, simply reminds him "I love you," before he flicks out the lights.
"I know," Nagisa says, his voice soft. "I know."
Gakushuu lies awake that night. He knows it's hypocritical, but boy, what a day. His mind drifts from thought to thought as he closes his eyes, then opens them. Listens to Nagisa snore… and breathes in… then out.
He wonders if their family is dysfunctional. He doesn't want it to be, but that's how it must have looked to the doctors. The three of them, screaming at Nagisa, then pulling him in close, and begging him never to scare them like that again. The subtle texts, and the inside jokes that no-one else could get.
'...No,' he decides, remembering the soup and feeling Karma pressed against his back. 'We're not dysfunctional. We just struggle sometimes.'
How could they not? They all came from such hellish situations. Now those were real dysfunction. Sometimes it still feels like they don't know how to be adults right. But that's a flaw of them as individuals. Together, they help each other overcome those things.
...That's what makes them a good family.
For so many years he'd worried and worried: "What if we're broken?" "What if we can't do this?" Isn't that why they'd been so afraid to bring a child into the world? Scared they'd mess them up in the same way they'd been scarred?
But today, somehow even despite strife, he'd known they weren't broken. He'd known they were closer than ever. And he'd been reminded of just how much he doesn't wanna lose this. Listening to Nagisa snore, Gakushuu's well aware that the rational part of him knows this will be hard for him. That rest is a process that will come with strife. But his heart, on the other hand, believes in Nagisa, and he just knows that things will be okay.
Some smaller part of that heart believes in himself, as well.
"Thank you," Nagisa had said over dinner. "For - uh - dealing with the Kiyoshi thing."
"It's nothing," Gakushuu says. "Your kids are my responsibility, too."
Careful not to wake anyone, he slips out of bed. Silently opens the drawer, and reaches for a letter, which he keeps enveloped protectively.
...He slips it out… stares, and smiles.
Earlier, he'd had the thought that Nagisa didn't give himself enough credit for just what an impact he had on his students' lives. But glancing over the letter in the dark room, Fumiko tells Gakushuu that he gave her the power to believe she'll have a bright future, and he wonders if he's been underselling himself, too.
Never once in a life had he thanked his father. Never once had he said 'thank you' and meant it. These kids... what Kiyoshi had confided in him today... that required trust. To have earned that makes him happier than anything.
...Maybe he's not so unprepared, after all.
Kiyoshi is starting to unsettle Makoto.
He doesn't know what it is, but something about the way he's acting is just rubbing him the wrong way. The nervous glances… the way he sticks so cautiously to his own side of the classroom. When they meet up with him on the way home from school, he walks quickly and talks little. It can take several attempts to even get his attention.
...He doesn't show up at Nagisa's house anymore.
"It's family stuff," he says. "I just don't have the time." Like something's gone horribly wrong. And Makoto briefly wonders if it has to do with his mother. Did something happen to her? But when he inquires - asks Nagisa, he says he's heard nothing of the sort. Last he'd checked, Irina was doing just fine overseas.
...Karasuma, then. Did something happen with him? Maybe the two of them got in a fight. Kiyoshi's always seemed a little bit bitter about his relationship with his dad. But even that assumption doesn't sit right with Makoto. When asked about his father, Kiyoshi seems nervous, but no more than he does about anything else as of late.
Simple worry, maybe. Kiyoshi had voiced a fear of something happening to his family. Even if his mother's right as rain, it's possible he's just freaking himself out. All the same, though, he had seemed so careless racing home with Makoto just a few weeks ago. What had happened to reignite those fears?
...Makoto wonders if it's just him.
He voices it one day, when it's just the two of them... Fumiko and he. Because Kiyoshi's halfway across the room, or having excused himself to the bathroom, or absent altogether.
"...Do you think it's us?"
Fumiko looks up from her textbook, placing her pencil aside with a frown.
"What do you mean?"
"Kiyoshi. I mean… something's wrong with him, right?"
"Duh," Fumiko says.
"I keep thinking and thinking it over... why he's freaking out all of a sudden. But no matter what I consider, it still doesn't make sense. It's… it's not his mom. It's not his dad, either. And I mean… it could be his anxiety, but he's had it all his life, and he's never acted this way around us before."
"...And so you think it's us?"
"Could be. I mean… doesn't it sort of seem like he's avoiding us?"
Fumiko mulls that over for a long moment, her expression troubled. She fiddles with her pencil absentmindedly, and taps her shoe on the ground.
"No," she declares with a firm shake of her head. "He's not. Kiyoshi… wouldn't do that to us."
"I… suppose not," Makoto says, but he's not entirely convinced.
Fumiko must sense it, because she shoots him a glare. "He wouldn't!" she insists. "He told me himself: We're pretty much the first friends he's ever had. He wouldn't just… he wouldn't just ruin that for himself."
But she shifts uncomfortably, scooting her chair in closer to her desk, and Makoto can tell she's not entirely certain, either.
"He's gotta be sick or something," she declares another day, pointing across the room at Kiyoshi. "I mean… just look at him."
And she's right! Kiyoshi's always been pale, being half-white and never going outside and all, but lately he's begun to look pallor. There are these dark, tired bags under his eyes. And when he steps up in front of the class to give a presentation, every part of him seems to shake.
"He said he had the Flu, right?" Makoto replies.
"Uh, yeah. But that was like, two weeks ago ."
Makoto frowns. Has it really only two weeks? It feels like so much longer that he's been acting weird around them.
"Maybe it's something more serious."
Fumiko skeptically raises an eyebrow. But when she speaks, she's got a nervous quiver to her voice. "Like what?"
"I dunno!" Makoto says. "Like Cancer! Or Leukemia! Or Diabetes!"
"Okay. First of all: Cancer and Leukemia are the same thing. Second of all: I'm not sure why Diabetes is your idea of a serious illness."
"I dunno! I've never been to the doctor! It just sounds serious!"
Fumiko blinks, but must decide to unpack that one later, because she quickly moves on. "...Besides, Kiyoshi wouldn't do that to us," she insists. "Hide if he was dying or something. He's not that mean."
"...Mmm," Makoto admits. "I know."
Still, he wonders. And he wonders just what else Kiyoshi would be willing to hide from them, too.
He asks Nagisa if something is wrong... if he knows anything more. And he steeples his fingers, sighing deeply, and avoiding looking directly Makoto's way.
"I think so," he admits. "I've arranged a meeting with his father, but that still won't be for a while." He pauses. "I don't know what to do. I hate to say this to you. I don't want you to worry, but… no. I don't think he's well. He's spiraling, and every time I try to talk to him about it he clams up. He needs serious help."
"Maybe… it's something the counselor can help with!" Makoto hopefully suggests.
"Maybe," Nagisa replies. "...Here's to hoping. And in the meantime all we can do is continue to do everything we can."
...And Makoto is trying! But it's like… Kiyoshi won't let him in! When he texts him, he hardly replies. And when he approaches him, it's worse. He sputters nervously or makes excuses or falls silent. Makoto places a hand on his shoulder, and he jumps. For a moment, Kiyoshi looks at him with sheer terror, and he wonders again if this has something to do with him.
Fumiko says it doesn't. She believes in him. And it's not that Makoto doesn't! It's just… it's just weird. That he gets like this right as everything was changing. Maybe… Kiyoshi had been hurt by he and Fumiko's reunion. Does he feel unneeded? Makoto hadn't… Makoto hadn't meant to exclude him!
"We care about you, you know," he says one day on the way home from school. "I… hope we didn't make you forget that."
"No," Kiyoshi says, his voice a whisper. "You haven't done anything at all."
And he can repeat that all he wants, but just as soon he's gone... and Makoto feels his heart plummet.
He's certainly making it feel like it's his fault. If not the neglect thing, then what? Has Kiyoshi simply gotten bored of him? Realized how annoying he is? How passionless? Or what about just plain bad? He'd admitted it, hadn't he? Back during the moon unit. That the things that Makoto had done had frightened him. What if… all he can see anymore is the murderer?
...Makoto certainly wouldn't blame him.
But that doesn't account for Fumiko. Kiyoshi has no reason to be avoiding Fumiko. She's a wonderful, kindhearted person, and he won't stand for her experiencing the fallout of what… whatever it is that's wrong with him! She deserves better than this!
She tries so hard to keep faith. Even as Kiyoshi's health plummets... fingernails bit down to stubs and eyes half-lidded... she tries to keep faith in him. She tries to keep faith in anyone she cares about. She places a hand on Makoto's shoulder and tells him she's sure it has nothing to do with him. But slowly, her voice begins to waver. And "he wouldn't do that to us," morphs into "...He wouldn't do that to us, right?"
Two weeks turn to three, and three turns to four.
Midterms roll around and Makoto takes them, mind consumed by worry. Nagisa asks him time and time again if everything is okay, and he repeats "It's not." Because something is seriously wrong with his friend, and he just wishes he knew what.
Nagisa admits that sometimes there's only so much you can do. If someone doesn't want to talk, you can't make them. "Let the adults handle this, okay? I'm sure he wouldn't want you to worry."
But… but Makoto's an adult, too! In… some way! He's Korosensei! He doesn't want to just sit around feeling helpless!
Kiyoshi fails his midterms. He sits there, looking half-ready to fall asleep the whole time. Nagisa offers to let him retake them… he's clearly not in a well state. But Kiyoshi declines, staring absentmindedly at the paper with a blank frown on his face.
...His pencil snaps in his grip.
Fumiko's absent two days later. It's a Thursday. Maybe two weeks after Nagisa had passed out. She's come down with the Flu. And for like... real. Makoto knows that much's the truth. She'd sneezed all over him the day before just to prove it. He hopes it's not his turn to get sick, next. Especially since he's now been informed the whole 'never being vaccinated' thing is a 'huge fucking deal.'
'...In a good way?'
'No! Not in a good way! You're going to get fucking Measles!'
She texts the group chat, letting them know she'll be out. Makoto wishes her well, stating that he'd make her soup as well if he could. But with her parents' presence looming like a set of watchdogs, something tells him that's not going to be an option.
"That's okay," she texts back. "I think I'll survive."
But Makoto's less certain when Kiyoshi doesn't even give them so much as a text.
No 'I hope you feel better soon' or 'that's alright.' Radio. Silence.
He almost wonders if Kiyoshi's sick, as well. But when he shows up to school that day, looking unwell, but in an entirely different way, Makoto feels his fist clench.
What is wrong with him!?
He glances at his phone every so often, frowns, then pockets it. Sends Makoto a wayward, nervous glance, then breaks it the moment he's caught. He scoots his chair in, then out, and stares down at his feet.
Does he… does he just not care!? Does he have something to prove!? Because it's not okay! This! Isn't! Okay! Makoto's trying! He's trying to care! Why won't Kiyoshi let him!?
Fumiko texts him halfway through the day. And she admits, defeated, that maybe he was right.
"Maybe he really is abandoning us."
...That's the last straw. Imagining Fumiko there, lying in her bed, sick out of her mind and close to tears because she's afraid one of the only friends she's ever had has abandoned her is the last straw. Makoto won't stand for it! Kiyoshi's not the only one to consider this group his first real set of friends! All of them do! And Makoto won't let him trash that without as much as a reason why!
He's talking to Kiyoshi. He doesn't care what Nagisa, or Kiyoshi, or anyone else thinks. Sometimes you do gotta be forced to talk. He knows his life certainly wouldn't have taken the track it has if Nagisa hadn't forced him to talk about his home life all those months ago. He's saying he's sick of it. He's putting his foot down. And he's getting some answers.
Because not so long ago, Kiyoshi told him he shouldn't hide how he feels. That they're friends, and they can trust in each other. They promised they were family, and that nothing, much less some… some facade was going to destroy that!
He's Korosensei, the unshakable! The stubborn! The unkillable! He cooks Takoyaki for vindictive little pricks and shines the fuselage on fighter jets meant to murder him! If Kiyoshi thinks a cold shoulder is going to get him off his back, then… well, then… he's a moron!
Makoto doesn't give up on the people he cares about that easily!
The moment class is let out, he's on his feet. Where usually he'd start up a lengthy conversation with Nagisa, he's already heading out the door: telling him there's something important to deal with, and that if he can, he'll regroup with him later. He doesn't even wait to hear Nagisa's response. He's out the door and onto the mountain.
Kiyoshi tries to make a quick escape like he does every day. But Makoto's one step ahead of him. Practically barrelling into him at the lip of the forest, he grabs Kiyoshi by the hand and pulls.
"A-ah!" Kiyoshi sputters, eyes wide. "Makoto! What is it!?"
"We've gotta talk, Kiyoshi!" Makoto says.
And Kiyoshi pauses. Taking a moment to catch his breath... regain his balance, he frowns. "Like… now?"
"Yeah. Like now."
Kiyoshi's gaze flickers from the ground to Makoto, before settling back on the ground. He takes a deep gulp. "...About what?"
"I think you know what," Makoto says, voice firm. And squeezing Kiyoshi's hand tight, he takes a deep breath… raises his voice… and speaks.
"It's time you tell me the truth."
