Chapter 55.

Cas listened to the sounds of the hives and let the simple complexity of their inhabitants soothe his mind. Sarah was checking for any problems, but he already knew that there were none to find. The bees were content and calm.

She needed to check for herself, though. It wasn't a lack of faith in him, more that she had to keep faith with them. Her daily checks were an act of devotion, a promise that she would not neglect their needs.

The name they danced for her did not translate well into any other language he knew, but it encapsulated their gratitude and love and trust and so many other things, wrapped around her identity like pollen on a flower.

They knew her from every other person they experienced in their travels. They knew her scent and the shape of her and the sounds she made as she went between the hives, telling them all her news and asking kindly questions which she knew they could not answer. They loved her as they loved the sun and the ultraviolet signs across their route.

Some years before, she had told him, "When I die, Castiel, you must tell the bees." It was tradition. They must be informed of every major event, that one, above all. Of course, she knew they would understand when he told them. He knew that too and he knew that they would be sorry to hear it.

"Did you come out here with me to talk to them or to talk to me?" said Sarah, "Either is fine, but if there's something you want to talk about, you know I'll listen."

"My thoughts are somewhat scattered." he said, "I'm not sure I will make much sense."

"Sometimes, I find those are the times I need to talk most." she said.

"The link did not go as I expected." he said.

"Was it different in a good way or a bad way?" she asked

"Good. Dean and I were almost of one mind. He neither feared nor resented my presence there. He feared and resented the child and maybe he had no anger to spare for me, but it felt as if he accepted my presence, even welcomed it. When I went out into what seemed to be his mind, he followed, not to prevent me, but to protect me."

"That's always been his primary motivation in everything concerning the link." she said.

"I knew that you thought so." said Cas, "It still feels good to know for sure."

"Yes, it must."

"Last night, he had a bad dream."

"I suspect he rarely spends a night without one." she said.

"Sarah, I have to tell you, but don't tell Dean. The talismans don't work on angels. I saw his dream. It was half memory, half insane self-loathing and he was tormenting himself with guilt. I had no choice but to intervene."

"So he knows that the talismans don't work?" she said.

"He thinks my intervention was part of the dream. I let him think it. Is that wrong and manipulative and unfair?"

"You put a lot of faith in my moral compass." she said.

"Mine is unreliable."

"During the mindlink experiment, I think you were very honest with each other."

"Yes, we were." he said.

"So you only allowed him to deceive himself to protect him from the knowledge that right now, he needs not to know."

"Don't tell Sam either. He really thinks he fixed the problem."

"Sam knows." she said.

"Sam knows? How does Sam know? Does that mean you knew and didn't tell me?"

"Don't be angry, my dear. Sam invented the talismans so that you and Dean would feel safe and think you controlled the link, which would mean you could come to control it, as you both have."

"But I felt the power on the talismans. I felt real power and benevolence and love." He realised why it had felt celestial, but not, familiar, but strange. "Jack." he said.

"I suppose so." she said, "What they did, they did for love of you and Dean. Please forgive them."

"Nothing to forgive." he said, "They did what Winchesters do. They did something wrong to put something right. They risked Dean's anger and possibly everlasting hatred to protect us. They could find nothing to stop the link, so they gave us the power to stop it."

"That's a very mature view." she said approvingly.

"I think, after all the ages I have been around, I could be called a very mature angel." he said.

"I should tell Sam you're now aware." she said.

"Yes and tell him I salute his evil brilliance." He touched the nearest hive. "I named these queens for fallen comrades." he said.

"Yes. I think all of the ladies would be pleased."

"Too many of the women I have fought alongside are dead." he said.

"I know, my dear."

"I wasn't much good at protecting them." he said.

"I sense we're moving onto the subject of Jules."

"Dean asked why I can say I love him, but can't say I love her and Dean thought it was silly that we had a sleepover. I'm just not sure I have any right to even consider ... She's human, Sarah. She has one short life and I want her to waste a chunk of it on me."

"Let's forget all Dean's opinions on the matter. He knows as much about committed relationships as you know about sports."

"He knows more than I do." said Cas.

"Similarly, we need to ignore what springs from that inferiority complex you have."

"I don't think I have one of those." he said.

"Removing both, we are left with one true statement, that you want a relationship with her. Well, congratulations, you have one."

"Dean thinks I wasted an opportunity by suggesting a sleepover."

"What did Jules think of the sleepover?"

He found himself smiling. "She loved it. We both did. That night I felt peace, a peace I'd never known before. Nothing in my life ever felt so right."

"I love Dean with all my heart," she said, "But the only people whose opinion means a thing are you and Jules. There is nothing wrong with taking things slowly. Don't let anybody push you into rushing this. Your feelings are complicated and so, I suspect, are those of a survivor of a planetary Armageddon. You two must do things your way, at your pace."

"There is another issue around Jules." said Cas.

"What is it?"

"I am still an angel. She is a human. I was sent to protect them. I was created to protect them, not to fall in love with them."

"You don't think you would protect her if she needed you to?" said Sarah.

"Of course I would, but ... "

"But this is the first time in your life you have wanted something for yourself and acted on that desire?" she said.

"Yes, a dereliction of duty. It feels blasphemous." he said.

"Love is never that, Castiel." she said, "And, whether you can see it or not, you deserve love."