CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

(BPOV)

Jacob stood in front of me, the silence between us deafening as I stared back at him and tried to absorb what he just said, but it felt like there was a wall blocking his words out.

I slowly shook my head in an attempt to clear it but the dense confusion remained. Nothing he stated could be true. That wasn't possible, right? I had somehow misheard him and I was shaken from it.

His disquieted rich gaze settled on my face, reflecting nothing but sincerity and patience as I struggled to clear the heavy chaos running wild in my head right now.

I had once heard that brokenness could be a work of art, then surely, this was my masterpiece.

I glanced down at his trembling hands still holding to mine and I gripped them tightly in return, as his chest heaved with the effort it took him to remain silent. His mouth opened and closed a few more times like he was about to say something else, but soon thought better of it before the words could escape him.

My heart pounded painfully in my chest and I swore I could even hear it in my ears now.

I peered up into the face of the person who knew me best. Who could read me like an open book whose pages were endless. Of the person who at one time, and what seemed like a lifetime ago now, I had loved more than I knew what to do with. More than my own insecurities, and fears would allow me to give into and more than I felt could even make sense of in the nonsensible world we'd both been thrown in.

He was still that person for me.

In an instant, I was removed from the current and thrown back into the past, where my heartbreak overwhelmed me, as I ran out of the doctors office and cried for minutes on end in my truck after hearing the news she'd broken to me.

I sat there in the parking lot for nearly an hour, trying to work through what it meant, and if somehow the doctor could have been mistaken, but I quickly learned that her diagnosis had been accurate and it tore me apart.

This was a mistake. A huge mistake. He was mistaken. He had to be.

"Bells-... say something, honey." He shakily stated. "Anything... please."

I released his hands and whirled around, unable to even look at him as I let out a breath and looked to Clarissa still asleep on the sofa. I placed a hand over my mouth and swallowed hard against the emotion as I recalled all the many ways I'd tried to dismiss the doctors findings that day. I had scoured the internet and done as much research and digging that could be done in order to gain some knowledge on just what endometriosis was. Hours later and to my horror, everything that doctor had said was only confirmed by the dozens of online articles I had spent most of the night reading then.

Though my back was turned, I could feel Jacobs penetrative gaze on me while I desperately tried to pull myself together before facing him again.

"Wha-What did you say?"

Jacobs whole body was damn near shaking when I turned around and finally spoke, his tremors making it hard for him to stand still while he drew in a few more steadying breaths.

"Bells, I-… Please, let me explain."

"You're wrong. You have to be." I forced out to him in nothing more than a hollowed and tear filled whisper. "You-you have to be mistaken or-..."

"No-"

"Yes." I vehemently countered. "I-I'm not your- Lillian was- she was that person for you. You built a life with her and-..."

He looked back at me with tangible anguish in his darkened gaze, his face falling with his forlorn reply.

"I loved Lillian. I loved her very much but she wasn't-"

"No, stop!" I gasped aloud, holding up a hand and backing away from him, as I tried not to let my emotions run away with me. I shuddered then, as my cheeks began to grow flush with an anger that I hadn't been prepared for.

How could any of this be true? What the hell was he saying? Did he hear himself? Was this some kind of element to his grief?

My head spun all the more and my legs started to feel unsteady, like they were weightless and made of nothing more than jello.

Jacob visibly winced from my words and reaction, his hands briefly flexing at his sides as he stared back at me.

"It's true." He soon ground out when I looked to him wordlessly.

"No, there's no way I'm-... -you don't understand. I could never be that person for you. I know enough about imprinting. About how it works. Billy was very detailed when he explained it and you've got it wrong or-..."

His head snatched up at this, my last words seeming to jolt him forward as he closed the growing distance between us and peered down at me.

"Wait a minute. You went to my dad about imprinting?"

I nodded and saw the narrowing of his gaze as I further explained.

"I went to him to understand it better. To know more about it. That was a long time ago, Jacob."

"Why wouldn't you come to me, Bells?" He replied, the hurt and confusion evident in his tone now.

"There were reasons back then, Jacob. I-..." I humbly admitted, struggling to finish my sentence and looking away from him as my guilt took hold. Any anger I had dissipated then, dying out like a bucket of water being doused over the remaining flames of an evening campfire. The hostility left me as quick as it had come and I staggered back away from him in response, trying to put some distance between us, but the pained looked on his face made my every retreating step more difficult than the last.

"What reasons?" Jacob firmly hedged, his tone swiftly changing from warm to edgy in a flash.

We were both struggling to keep a lid on our reactions here and I made a mental note to be mindful of his proximity given that he was no longer a mere mortal, and could wolf out if provoked enough in the heat of the moment.

"Your dad was kind enough to talk with me. I couldn't come to you with this." I timidly confessed.

He flinched back like I had reached out and physically slapped him and I cringed at the look of rejection now prominently plaguing his features. My guilt was swiftly becoming more than I could stand and I chose to go against my better judgement, as I thought of all he'd been through and all he'd lost lately, and went to him.

His tremors were still there but they lessened in intensity as I drew near, and I marveled at how they soon vanished when my arm grazed his.

"What did Billy tell you, honey?" He asked, his tone softer with me than it had been before.

"Only the questions I asked him. Don't be angry with your dad about this."

"I'm not angry with him. I'm upset that you felt you couldn't come to me instead." He clarified.

"There was no way I could have."

"When did I make you feel like you could no longer confide in me? Please, tell me? When the hell did that happen? Cause if I did, I'm sorry. I never meant to push you away. Not ever. That's the last thing I wanted." He replied in a strained tone.

"You didn't push me away. That's not why. It wasn't like that and it wasn't your fault or anything you did. You just have to trust me when I tell you that you're mistaken here. There's no way that you could've imprinted on me, Jacob." I tried to continue on, but the tears made it damn near impossible for me to speak through them. They were unrelenting and choking. "I'm not her. I can't be."

"Bells, listen to me-..."

"No! Please stop this! I'm begging you! I don't want to do this. I don't want to hear what I know is impossible. You need to talk to Sam and maybe he can help you or- I don't know- clear this up somehow. Call him and we can go over there together to straighten everything out."

My tears fell on endless supply as I hurriedly tried to wipe them away but failed to do so before Jacob caught my hand and met my gaze.

"Bella, there is nothing I need to be explained to me or cleared up. Sam knows. Just like I do!"

"Why are you doing this?!" I cried, my trembling voice laced with skepticism. "I know you've suffered a great loss and that you're grieving and I'm so sorry, but this is insane."

"This has nothing to do with my grief, Bella." He asserted, as I pulled away from him. The room felt as if it was closing in. Like the very walls themselves were trying to crush me in this house. It was suffocating and I felt disoriented from it.

I was dreaming or this was some screwed up nightmare. That had to be it.

"Tell me why you don't believe what I'm telling you. Do you really think I would ever do that to you? That I would callously lie to you about something like this?"

I felt the breath in my lungs become stolen when he moved closer and carefully took my face in his hands, his eyes fixed on my own as I shook my head and tried to deny what he was saying.

"It's not-"

"You are." He countered, the sound of his sincerity in those two words making me go mute while he continued. "Look at me and tell me you think I'm deceiving you or that I'm confused about this. You know that's not true."

"How...-" I breathed.

"When you left for Maine, I wanted that for you. I wanted you to be happy, Bella. Even if it meant it wasn't here with me in Washington anymore."

His voice cracked on the last word and he pulled away from me but I moved forward in response, the brokenness in his deep baritone reaching into the deepest part of me and snuffing out my irrational doubt in an instant. I was so caught up in my own denial and fear that I had neglected to see how his every move had told me that this was his truth and nothing less.

"You were tied here. I knew that." I softly countered, tired of all the lies and secrets and terrifyingly deciding to bare all to him. "...and I knew you wouldn't follow me because you couldn't."

"What-…" Jacob hedged, tucking a warm hand under my chin and gently raising my head to meet his stare. "What do you mean you knew I wouldn't follow you?"

This was gonna hurt like hell and I shook like a leaf as I tried to muster up the courage to tell him the truth after all this time.

"I lied to you, Jacob. I told you I wanted to start over and find myself but that wasn't the truth for why I left and went to Maine."

I motioned for him to sit down with me in the living room, but he looked to immobile, rooted in place right where he stood at this.

After a few minutes, he hesitantly sat down in Charlie's recliner and watched me as I paced a hole in the floor.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I lied because I knew that if I didn't leave, you would never even try to have something with anyone else and I wanted you to be happy in the same way you wanted me to be happy, Jacob."

"What happened, Bells." He gruffly replied.

"I had some things come up with my health when I was still in high school."

"...in the weeks before your graduation?"

His words made me pause then, my eyes going to his when he solemnly gazed up at me.

"Yes, around that time." I tearfully replied. "Some of my symptoms weren't adding up so I went in to get looked at."

I was falling apart trying to get this out and I hated how weak that made me feel.

Jacobs face was a mirrored reflection of my pain and the sight of him made me realize how undeniably true his words had been before.

He wasn't lying and he wasn't mixed up or mistaken. It just didn't make a damn bit of sense to me. I trudged on anyway.

"You were running extra patrols with Sam and the pack at the time, and I didn't tell you what was going on because I didn't really think it was anything to worry about. The doctor did some tests and an ultrasound and it turned out that it was more serious than I thought."

Jacob's tremors returned as he shifted nervously in the chair, his handsome face paling before me while I wiped the tears on the sleeve of my shirt and continued.

"So, you see, the real reason I think there must be some kind of damn mix up or the wolf spirits have gotten it completely backwards this time around, is because I'm not capable of being your imprint, Jacob. I'm genetically not a good match. I never was. That's why I went to Billy for the information I needed and not you. I mean, that's the whole purpose of it, right? To ensure the future in the pack down the line and I couldn't give that to you... because...-" My last words were pulled from me with a sob I tried to stop but left me anyway. "I have endometriosis and I can't have children, Jacob. That's why I left."

I watched in horror when his tears came to match my own, as they welled up in his dark eyes and spilled over from my words.

He crossed the living room and took me in his arms, his warm embrace stunning me into silence and not at all what I expected from him. He held me tightly to him and let me cry, his solid presence being what I needed most right now, because we both knew that words failed miserably in this moment. There were no meaningless sentiments of sorrow or loss that could ease the hurt and he knew better than anyone just what that felt like. How very raw that could leave someone.

Minutes passed and I clung to him, the emotional release of it all draining my energy like I had just run a damn marathon because that's exactly what it felt like. Jacob noticed the chill that made me shiver and reached for the afghan draped over the back of Charlie's recliner, his red rimmed eyes meeting mine when he wrapped it around my shoulders and led me over to the sofa.

"Come here, honey."

"I'm sorry, Jacob."

He tucked me under his arm and I didn't shy away from his warmth or embrace. There was a comfort in his strong arms that I had never found anywhere else and I didn't want to leave it.

I peered down at Clarissa, reaching over and sweeping her bangs out of her precious face with my fingertips while she dreamed.

"She's perfect, Jacob. I'm so happy that you found Lilly and that you got the love you deserved. I wanted that for you more than anything. It was a big part of why I left all that time ago."

He tightened his arm around me and I placed my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat while he spoke.

"Lilly never knew about what I was. I didn't tell her."

I glanced up at him in confusion, his troubled gaze roaming over my face before he looked to Clarissa.

"She never knew. I thought you stopped phasing for her so you could age and grow old with her-"

"No, honey. It's my turn to be honest. To tell you the rest of what I couldn't get out before. I can only hope you won't hate me for it."

I sat up straight, taking the blanket with me as regret filled his gaze.

"Tell me, Jacob. I promise to try to be understanding. I could never hate you. It's not possible."

"You say that now."

"I say that always." I softly argued. "I kept my fair share of secrets from you and I didn't think you'd even want to be near me after what I just told you. I lied for a long time, hid this from you and Charlie. From everyone I could. You would've had every right to be angry with me for it."

"I will never not want to be near you, Bells." He sincerely replied, his warm fingers threading through mine with clear apprehension in his expression.

The momentary silence between us then was louder than anything I'd ever heard and I didn't like the fear still etched in his face.

"Jacob, it's okay. Whatever it is. You can tell me. We have to start somewhere again, right?"

He nodded and reluctantly began.

"I didn't stop phasing for Lilly, Bella. I stopped before then. Before I met her. I stopped because, after you left, Sam found a way to remove the imprints pull and part of that involved me not giving in to the wolf anymore."

"How is that even possible? I thought-..."

"I know, honey. So did we, but Sam and Billy found a loop hole with the help of the council. It took them a long time but they came through for me. In a big way." He admitted, his hand coming up to caress my cheek with the backs of his fingers. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you the truth a long time ago. I should have. It was wrong of me to assume that I knew what you needed at the time. That you were better off not knowing. That wasn't my place, honey. Please forgive me."

"I do forgive you. It wasn't my place to leave you in the dark like I did. I assumed, too. That was no less wrong of me to do. We're both at fault here." I softly responded, noticing some of the worry leave him.

"Are you still hurting?" He asked then in concern when I held the blanket firmly to my middle. It was more of an impulse reaction now than anything else. I always braced myself for the pain of another sudden flare up after any kind of alarming stress and today had definitely been one of those days that could trigger another one for me.

"No, other than a short bout this morning, I feel okay."

"Can you tell me more about it? Only if you want to? I've only heard of it once before because Rebecca discovered she had it before she moved away and met her husband."

"I never knew that."

"Yeah, I was a lot younger then. I don't remember most of the details on it, but I don't want to push you either. It's okay if you don't want to share that with me right now. I understand."

His care and sincerity eased the tension building in me at the very idea of having to describe some of this to him.

"Well, every case is different. Mine is more severe or at a later stage. It's not terminal or anything but it's hell sometimes. A lot of the time. Some months can be worse than others. There are days I can't get out of bed with it, but it hasn't been that bad again until recently."

Jacobs gaze went glossy at this and I found it hard to go on until he squeezed my hand in reassurance.

"I hate that you've been hurting like this and alone with it, Bells. That kills me for you. I'm sorry, honey. There's no cure? Treatment or meds? Surgery even?"

"No, unfortunately there isn't a cure. Only drugs that cost a fortune and mask the symptoms for a little while. Not a great solution, but better than nothing. Definitely makes you question your damn sanity sometimes." I admitted, as he reached for me again and drew me into his side.

"What do you mean, honey?" He huskily questioned.

"Sometimes, you get dismissed when you go in cause the pain is that bad and they have no real solutions. I've had numerous ER trips and they seem never ending. Callie took me once. I passed out and it was bad. It puts your mind in a dark place."

I felt Jacob tense and rest his chin on top of my head, his words strained and hoarse when he replied.

"So what I saw last night was your normal on some days?"

"Yeah, I guess you could say that." I replied, pondering over how much the pain had subsided when he showed up. I dismissed the ill conceived notion running through my head as ludicrous and basked in the warmth his closeness provided.

"You know, you're probably going to think this is crazy-..."

"Try me." I lightheartedly countered, unable to erase the somewhat bemused expression on my face when I peered up at him through my lashes.

"Alright, there's legends of healing through an imprint, honey. Not many of them but Billy told me of a few of them once. Back when I thought everything of the supernatural was nothing more than a good story by the campfire." He softly stated, his eyes meeting mine with an earnest hope in them that made my tears return.

I was amazed at how clueless he was to the fact that he had just pulled the very line of thinking I had only moments ago from the forefront of my mind without even knowing he'd done so.

Yeah... like an open book. That remained.

"How can you still do that? Read my thoughts so well."

"Why, were you thinking the same thing?"

"I was but I knew that it sounded ridiculous so-"

"There's nothing ridiculous about it. I've been sitting here trying to remember the details of the story myself. I could ask Billy if you want me to? If you're comfortable with that, honey?"

"I wouldn't mind you talking to him about it. That would be okay with me, but I'll warn you not to get your hopes up."

"Too late, Bells." He sighed. "They're already high."

"Jacob, I'm serious. Don't go throwing yourself into this with me, okay?"

"You've dealt with all this alone for too long. Let me carry it with you for a little while, okay? It's alright to lean on me, too."

"I'm the one who needs to be there to support you right now. Not the other way around, remember?" I thoughtfully replied.

"Bells, you being here is enough. It's more than enough." He huskily stated, glancing down at me as the sound of keys jingling in the lock forced our attention to the front door.

A/N: Thank you for reading. Another update coming VERY soon.