Chapter 34

Bucky stared angrily in front of him, as he waited for the man at the desk to pour him cup of tea. This was the worst mission that he'd ever had. He could not wait to be rid of it. When he'd gone on that h*llish trek to hide the box where he'd been ordered to take it, he'd expected to feel relief after he was done. Instead, he'd only begun worrying over whether he'd hidden it properly. Would someone find it? Was it safe there? He'd continually dreamt of it. Even when awake he had recurring images of the box itself. If anyone had read that thought in his mind, they would know everything. How had Thea not figured out what the symbol on the box meant? To Bucky, the hammer and sickle, the border of wheat sheaves bound with a ribbon bearing a typically hyperbolic communist slogan, and the red star—the red star that he loathed with all of his might—ought to have been an enormous clue to what that logo symbolised.

The rattle of a tea cup in its saucer being placed in front of him drew Bucky's attention back to Charles Xavier, who commented on Bucky's unspoken thoughts. "I imagine, Sergeant Barnes, that most Englishwomen of Mrs Barnes' age would not recognise Soviet imagery of that type. The symbol on the box was quite small after all. If she were, perhaps, 10 years older, then she might have recognised enough to guess, perhaps. The outline of the reactors towards the centre could as much appear to be derricks or some industrial smoke stacks. Of course, at some point, I shall have to remove that image from her mind, too."

Snarling with both fear and surprise, Bucky demanded, "And how are you plannin' to do that?"

"That should be a very simple process. She didn't ever handle the box, I understand. I need only remove the memory of what the symbol on top looked like. She will be a be left with a vague thought that there was image on the top of a box that she once saw in your bag and nothing else. I will then place another false thought about a plausible container for the stone in both of your minds, which will be a sensible redirect. That way, your memories will align, but neither of you will remember the true appearance of the object. I do not even need to be in the same room as Mrs Barnes for something that simple. I must apologise that I can only offer you Darjeeling, Sergeant. I believe that you prefer a more Russian style tea."

Waving his hand as he shook his head dismissively, Bucky replied dourly, "My wife is from Coventry, Xavier. I am quite familiar with this sort of English-brewed tea: weak with sugar and milk."

"Ah, yes. Russian tea culture is quite different and yet quite important there, it would seem." Xavier hummed slightly, as if considering something. "Jam? Fascinating. I can offer you a bit of strawberry sort to stir in, if you would like. I admit that I was not previously familiar with that tradition, Sergeant."

Bucky shook his head. "I may have spent more of my life there than anywhere else, but I am not actually Russian, you know. Both of my parents were born in Kilkenny. Anyway, jam would taste strange with a watery tea like Darjeeling." He immediately picked up one of the cakes that had been deposited in front of him on a gold-rimmed porcelain plate. "So, what do we do now, Xavier?"

"Unfortunately, I will have to spend some time going through quite nearly everything. Your thoughts of this mission are interwoven with hundreds of other memories and emotions. I could mask your memory of the location quite quickly, but it would not withstand interrogation. I must find all the places that you have thought about, planned for, dreamt about, or acted on this mission. I do not want to take away anything more than the barest minimum. You have had your memory damaged already."

His plate now empty and the tea finished in two swallows, Bucky replied harshly, "I don't actually want to remember any of this. However, that would be too dangerous. I should retain some memory at least, so I know what to avoid saying or doing."

Placing his own teacup down on the table, Xavier replied firmly, "I agree. Therefore, unless you wish otherwise, I will only change the minimum and I will alert you as I go along to what I am doing."

"I appreciate it, but I'm giving you permission to do whatever you gotta do. You don't need to walk on eggshells just because HYDRA is a bag full of snake s***. My mind is damaged enough that you aren't likely to do much more harm."

"I shan't do any harm, Sergeant Barnes. Of that, I can assure you most sincerely. I will not be party to damaging you further." After a brief hesitation, Xavier continued in a tone that seemed almost embarrassed, "To the contrary, I would like to offer you something. I have learnt the hard way that hiding your pain from you will only damage you further. We cannot run from our experiences without irreparably changing who we are. Yet, I can offer to…soften the edges of some memories, if you would like. The damage would remain. Your experiences would be unchanged. However, the memories would no longer be as prominent. Other thoughts and feelings would be placed in the forefront of your mind, so they would, essentially, crowd out the other memories. Nevertheless, all the memories would still be fully intact and accessible."

Immediately sitting bolt upright in his chair, Bucky insisted urgently, "I cannot do that. I have to remember. I'm the one that committed all the murders and caused all the mayhem associated with the Winter Soldier missions. I may not have had any choice then, but I do now. Someone needs to remember and someone needs to be held accountable. There isn't anyone else but me left, so I'm the chump that's gotta do it."

Xavier sighed. "My friend, that is both virtuous and noble, but it is also ridiculously unnecessary. You may remain the guardian of the memories, but you do not need to continue to be tortured for your crimes when you were under HYDRA's control. You have been through enough agony, have you not? I do not know of any government that would sentence you to more than what you have already suffered. Allow me to place the memories where they belong: behind your current experiences. You are so much more than the man who was enslaved by HYDRA. You are also their greatest victim. You deserve to be released now from the nightmare."

"That's where we disagree, Xavier. I'm still the guy that did it." Bucky clenched both his hands around his thighs as he tried to control himself, but his voice came out exceedingly harsh and bitter. "POW, slave, victim…yeah, I know that I was all of those when they owned me. I hate all of those words, but I know they are accurate. However, I'm still the guy who pulled the trigger. I can't be Bucky Barnes and not feel that guilt. This is who I am."

"I know. However, there is a proper place for your guilt and your pain, Sergeant. It does not need to rule your life."

"Thank you for the offer, but I am declining."

Nodding with understanding, Xavier replied unhappily, "Very well. I shall accept your refusal. However, if at any time in the future you are ready for me to do this for you, then I ask you to please allow me the privilege of helping you."

Bucky pushed his plate and cup away from him and then turned in his chair so he was facing more towards the door. "Yeah, ok."

"No, I am quite aware that you are determined never to allow me to do this. Unfortunately, I am able to see all of your pain, Sergeant Barnes. Much as you would be desperate to help some poor soul that you saw in mortal agony from a physical wound, I feel the same about what I am witnessing in your mind. I had never thought that I would experience a mind with more pain and anger than…" Xavier stopped and cleared his throat before he continued, "What you have been capable of overcoming is astonishing, to be honest. I have seen minds permanently destroyed by far, far less, Sergeant Barnes."

"I can't let myself fall apart—don't have the luxury." Bucky shrugged. "You've never met my Thea, Xavier. She's reason enough to push through anything. And I gotta be there to make sure Steve doesn't go and destroy a country when he's trying to save the world`."

"Yes, I understand. You have two exceedingly powerful mental anchors. Your devotion to those you love is extraordinary. Your wife, your children, and your friendship with Colonel Rogers vibrantly colour almost every memory created since you escaped from HYDRA—to a degree that I have only ever seen in one other person before. Nevertheless, Sergeant, it is not the people in your life that healed you. It is your own doing and your choice. You are the one who has pulled all the mental chaos together and actually used it to fuel your healing process. This is honestly something that I've never witnessed before."

Bucky grimaced and ran his hand shakily through his hair, as he worked to keep his control. "I'm not sure what you're seeing, Xavier, I'm really not a complicated or remarkable man. I'm just a guy from Brooklyn, who was sent to war and got captured by the enemy. Twice. It woulda been a lot better for mankind had I died the first time, instead of Steve comin' to save me. Not that I am complaining, since I'm glad that I was able to be there with him when he was runnin' the commandos. He needed serious handling and none of those idiots he chose to go with us to hunt HYDRA coulda done it. Steve is two handfuls at the best of times."

His eyes wide with understanding, Xavier gestured slightly, as he replied, "It is clear to me, Sergeant Barnes, that Colonel Rogers was and is very lucky to have a friend like you."

Finally, unable to remain sitting, Bucky got up and stalked over towards the large window that overlooked the lawns below. After several minutes, he said brusquely, "Honestly, I'm the lucky one. Always was. Steve is so d*** intense: he cannot bear to live life in the slow lane. His mother once said to me that Steve's soul was too much for such a tiny body. All the serum did was to make his body fit who he was inside. The way I see always saw it, how do you meet a guy like that and not wanna saddle up to ride shotgun, huh? Never understood why no one else seemed to see who Steve really is."

"People too rarely look beyond first impressions, I'm afraid."

Bucky laughed brittlely. "Steve was a runty, restive punk, ya know? Everything is either 0 or 100% with him and that's exactly how I've always understood the world, so we immediately clicked, right? We roamed Brooklyn and, occasionally, even the lesser boroughs having varied adventures until the US Army sent me off on a solo trip where he couldn't follow. I oughta've guessed he'd find a way into the fight, since he has never backed down from a thing in his life."

Sighing heavily, Xavier replied, "There are few people who live their life so intensely, Sergeant. I understand your admiration for your friend; however, I question whether you comprehend your own appeal to those who truly know you. Have you considered why Colonel Rogers was so willing to fight the world to save you?"

Bucky looked away with annoyance and focussed his eyes out the window again and on the large oak below. "There isn't much mystery there. We've been pals for most of our life, Xavier, and Steve's never turned away from a fight when he believes in the cause. Doesn't matter which of us is a Barnes or a Rogers, we're family pure and simple. Understand? A lot of us guys had friends who were more like brothers back then. Seems like the only men who make friends like that now are soldiers who've fought together. But to a guy born in my time, having a good job, a true friend, and marrying a sweet girl was everything we were lookin' for in life. So, I actually got the only things that, to me, are worth living for. I don't deserve them, but I got 'em. I'll will find a way through all the s*** that's crowding my brain on my own, Xavier."

Xavier nodded. "I do believe that you shall. I must admit, Sergeant Barnes, that I find your mind to be remarkable. I hope that you will eventually allow yourself to consider more honestly why your friend is so devoted to you. If you see your qualities more fully, then it should help you to heal. It may even aide you in your marriage, since I suspect that Mrs Barnes values many of the same traits that Colonel Rogers does. Unfortunately, it is now time that we begin. There is not any way that I can make this painless, but I will do my best to ameliorate the discomfort that you do experience."

Bucky pursed his lips briefly and then said with determination, "Let's get it over with then."


Steve's head snapped up, then he turned around and demanded, "Where the h*ll did you go, Buck? And what's with the decoy that Thea was hiding in your room?"

Bucky sank into the armchair across from Steve and replied roughly, "I'll explain all of it tomorrow. For now, just trust me that it was necessary, ok? I'm too tired to say much more at the moment. The decoy is gone."

"Who was he?"

"Don't know. Didn't ask. A mutant probably. I had a mission, Steve. Had to complete it. Couldn't let anyone but Thea and Xavier know. Can you let it go for now?"

Obviously unconvinced, Steve leant against the chair back so hard that it creaked slightly. "If you insist, but you're gonna have to explain to me how you know Charles Xavier, Buck."

"Gimme a day, pal. I'm just not ready to talk right now. Tell me about the flight back. No trouble?"

"Nothing." Steve frowned and amended his comment. "Seryozha still found a multitude of listening devices though, both in the plane and around the apartment. I guess we have to resign ourselves to the reality that they're always gonna try, Buck."

"Obviously. Maybe, it'll present an interesting challenge when I make my perimeter checks, as Thea calls them. Every bug I find, then you can give me a pat on the head for a job well done."

Steve punched his arm and grumbled, "You don't gotta be a jerk about it, Buck."

Rolling his eyes blatantly at his friend, Bucky replied, "You seem to think that the wide range of people who want information from the world's most powerful supersoldiers are suddenly gonna stop tryin', since we aren't in trouble with the law anymore or because we ask nicely. Not sure what process you used to come to that conclusion, buddy, but I think you oughta reconsider."

"Go jump in a lake, Barnes."

Bucky snorted with annoyance. "Officers first, Rogers."

Steve kicked the side of Bucky's chair and muttered, "Don't have to wrap me up in cotton like a baby, Buck. I'm a big boy now. I can take care of myself."

Despite himself, Bucky laughed. "Sure, you've proven that real well, Steve. Lemme review your Barnes-less record: signing up to be a secret government lab rat, storming a HYDRA POW camp by yourself, crashing a plane into the ice on purpose, leaping out of aircraft without a parachute multiple times, jumping out of an elevator, vaulting on top of a plane to retrieve your shield…"

Interrupting with a growl, Steve sharply replied, "Oh give it a rest, Buck. I've been lectured enough by you for all that cr**. I don't need it today."

Bucky sat up sharply. "Steve."

"What, Buck?"

Asking with consternation, Bucky reached over to put a hand on Steve's shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"Nothin'. I mean, I'm not gonna go to Leavenworth, which is a relief. I'm gonna get to live with my girl and my kids. You're here. That's all I ever wanted outta life, you know?"

"Is it?"

"Should be."

"I recently said almost the same thing to someone, Steve, but I hafta admit that I wasn't being totally honest with myself. I need more than just my girl, my kids, and my brother. I gotta have the adventure, too. I want peace, but I need the adventure, too. If I am inactive too long, I get the itch to go off and do somethin' risky or else I start over-training and getting f***in' paranoid as h*ll. I took a break while I was healing, but I cannot lean back and coast from here out. I'm just not made to sit and do nothin', Steve. Neither are you."

Steve groaned. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. But I'm tired of fightin' against aliens or HYDRA and I cannot fight my friends again. I cannot go through that again, Bucky."

"I know, pal. I do. However, we're gonna be fightin' against aliens or killer robots or maybe just other enhanced people, since we don't run from the fight that comes to us. Right?"

"Yeah. Sorry I'm in such sour mood."

"Mmhm. Did ya talk to Sam about this?"

Surprised, Steve replied, "No. Why would I?"

"Because he knows this s***. He is good at understanding you and he's better at sayin' some things than I am. He might have explained it better than I could."

Steve shrugged. "Maybe, but I don't wanna talk to Sam. Just tell me what you are tryin' to say, Buck."

"If you're sure." When Steve nodded, Bucky tilted his head and stared across as his friend. Well, the way I see it, you still feel guilty about that medal of honour. You also don't think that you deserve any special recognition for any of the things you've done for people. And you're embarrassed that they handled your pardon in such a blatantly political way. Additionally, you're feeling guilty that you accepted it and didn't go down fighting for your honour in a court-martial. Finally, you're feeling bad about the situation with Stark, about your friends getting in trouble, and that you've spent so much time away from your family. How am I doin' so far?"

Steve curtly nodded his head, but Bucky didn't miss how red the tips of his ears were. Therefore, he knew that he'd hit his mark. "Maybe."

"What woulda happened if you'd been sent to Leavenworth, Steve? Think about me, Mary-Claire, your sons, the other Avengers, and all the kids that look up to you as a hero. What would we all do? And the next time that there was some threat to mankind or even just New York, do you think that we woulda won? You sacrificed yourself again here, Steve, because you are needed, so you accepted the pardon. You fell on the grenade again—don't think I don't remember that in my list of stupid s*** you've done when I wasn't there, by the way."

Steve got up and looked out of the window into the dark street below for a moment, then he crossed the floor to grab his coffee. Once he'd finished the last swallow, he roamed around the room anxiously for a while before he finally replied, "I don't know. Maybe I just did it because I wanted to be with Mary-Claire and the boys. Maybe I just needed that."

Bucky got up and crossed the floor to where Steve was propped up against a closet door. "That's a d*** good reason, too. I wouldn't fault that. It would be enough for me, honestly." Placing his hand on Steve's shoulder again, Bucky continued more firmly, "But as much as you longed to be able to accept a pardon for that reason, you didn't agree to it just for your family. Did you?"

"No. No, I didn't. But I don't…I don't wanna have to argue with you now, Buck. I'm…jeez, Bucky, I'm drowning in a Jeremiad ocean storm and I cannot find a way towards the light. Not unless Mary-Claire is there. That's the only time I feel warm."

Bucky smiled sadly. "Pal, that girl is shockingly head over heels about you. She's a pretty incredible woman, too. Smart as a whip and cunning as can be. She's like Hannibal and Subutai crossed with Carole Lombard."

Smiling in spite of himself, Steve shook his head. "That's quite a description, Buck. You always did like Carole Lombard."

"Not as much as you swooned over Claudette Colbert, pal. I swear we snuck in to see It Happened One Night three times."

"So sue me. Claudette Colbert was a beauty with class, Buck."

"Mmhm. I'm sure her class is what you were thinkin' about when you sat there gabbering away in French with her at that USO thing."

Steve glared at Bucky and insisted, "I'm not gonna pretend anything of the kind, Buck. But she didn't have anything on Mary-Claire. Did I ever tell you about our first date?"

"Actually, no."

"Well, Mary-Claire was late and I'd been early. So, by the time she got there, I'd been nursing a drink for about 30 minutes. I was nervous enough that I thought I might be sick. As we ate, I kept looking at her and thinking, 'how am I ever gonna keep a girl like her interested?' And then, Mary-Claire wanted to take a walk. It was about -3 degrees outside and she had on a coat that wouldn't keep a bear warm. So, I gave her mine. It was so cold that I wasn't even sure I still had toes, since I hadn't felt 'em in at least an hour, and I was startin' to have that edgy feeling I get before a flashback, you know? Yet, she was holdin' my hand, so what was I gonna do? We must have walked 2 miles just talkin', but I'd have walked all the way up to the Bronx if I'd thought she was willing. The sound of me falling that deep that fast was probably audible in space, Buck."

Bucky blinked at Steve for a moment and then admitted, "It was less than 10 seconds before I knew. One look into her face, honestly. I actually felt my world realigning and it was overwhelming enough I thought I might pass out. Thea literally shifted my world."

Steve nodded. "Maybe that's how it had to be for both of us, Buck. Sam says that I don't do anything unless I can do it at volume 11 instead of 10. Some sort of movie reference or something, but I get it. But perhaps he's right and you're the same way."

"Steve, pal, we've always been that way. You know, it seems to me that Mary-Claire likes your volume 11."

Laughing with Bucky, Steve replied only, "Maybe."