Chapter 56.
"Where's Cas?" said Dean, when Sarah came in alone.
"He wanted to call Jules and Jack." she said.
"Oh. Good." said he said.
"You might want to hold back on the advice there." she said, "You intend no harm, but he hears a lot of it as criticism and he doesn't need anyone else second guessing his every move."
"I know. I'm trying to stay out of it, but things are going so slowly." said Dean.
"I told you," said Sam, "Slow works for them."
"To him, it isn't slow. It's driving at speed to a cliff edge with no brakes." said Sarah, "And when you think about it, he's gone from believing she was interested in you to spending the night with her very quickly."
"I'm not sure it counts as spending the night if all you do is talk."
"Have you ever spent the night with a woman and just talked?" she said.
"Yeah, lots of times." he said.
"Excluding me and hunting trips?"
"The fact remains ... "
"Castiel has put more into this relationship than you know and yes, he is afraid and he feels unworthy, but he's trying anyway and I think he has a more authentic relationship with her and a more intimate one than you can imagine."
Dean nodded. "You're probably right."
Sam stood. "I should call Mom, make sure everything's okay at the bunker. I'll go upstairs."
When he'd gone, Dean said, "I know what's been bothering him now. He was feeling left out because of the mindlink."
"Maybe, when you get full control of it, you can extend it to include him."
"You think that's possible?"
"We think we know how it started. Maybe if Castiel and Sam share the same things you and Castiel shared ... "
"I'm not sure that's a good idea." said Dean, "It's not all downside, but Cas and I have both suffered a lot because of the mind curse ... link."
"Well, keep an open mind and see how things develop. I have to say, I'm impressed with how quickly you and Castiel have managed to get some control over the link. I think that base camp you have established will serve you well."
"What matters is how well we can keep control. All it takes is for one of us to be in a slightly off mood and the whole thing could collapse in on itself."
"That's why it's good to work on it here, where you can both be relaxed and calm and to do it at times when you both feel confident and secure."
That's one reason why I worry about Cas. Is he ever confident and secure? He asked if I thought he's depressed. I think he has been since he first started to question his orders."
"Yes. He struggles with so much that we can't really understand. I think that may be why he needed to start the link. You are his strength and courage. You're his guide in this terrifying new world of personal responsibility."
"My career counsellor never mentioned that as a possibility. In fact, I think teaching angels about responsibility is absolutely the last thing anyone would have expected me to be capable of."
"They didn't know you. Not many people have been allowed to. I feel very privileged that you let me see who you really are."
"I'm not sure I could stop you." he said.
"I think if you wanted to, you could." she said, "You're very good at keeping people out of your life. I hope you see letting me in as one of your better decisions."
He smiled. Sarah made him think about things he'd avoided for a long time and she brought hope into situations where it only complicated things, but in the short time he had known her, she had helped all the people he loved most and also him.
"Should I be worried about the hesitation?" she asked.
"You know that I don't regret it for a second." he said, "I just wish Castiel had introduced us sooner."
"Then you might not have been ready." she said, "It's been a long journey from that terrible night to the point where you feel able to change things."
"Sometimes, I still don't feel able." he said, "But something has to change and all evidence points to it being me that needs to. Your relentless belief in me makes me want to try."
"You've done a lot more than try." she said, "You, my dear, are awesome. You have achieved wonders."
