Chapter 57.
Cas sat beside the creek, listening to all Jack's news from the bunker. Things were quiet, apparently and he had been at the firing range with Bobby, Jules coming occasionally to watch and offer advice.
Eventually, Jack said, "Jules is here and wants to talk to you."
"Put her on." said Cas, longing to hear her voice and hoping he would not come to his senses and tell her it had to be over. He was an angel, a servant of Heaven, with neither will nor desire beyond the service for which he was created. He could neither surrender his duty nor offer her the warm, human love she deserved.
"How are you?" she said.
"All's well here." he said, "I hear you have been looking after Jack."
"Did I make it too obvious?"
"Not to him. Thanks for taking care of him. Is he still there?"
"He's gone back to the range." she said, "He's a terrible shot so far."
"In a way, I'm glad." said Cas.
"Me too. Guns and innocence don't mix well." she said.
"I much prefer the angel blade." he said.
"You should teach me to use one." she said.
"Close quarters combat is dangerous." he said.
"Nothing we do is conspicuously safe." she said.
"If you want to learn. I'll ask Dean to teach you."
"Has something happened?" she said.
"Nothing that alters anything between us." he said.
"If it's the angel blade, forget I asked."
"You have every right to ask." he said.
"But the moment I did, you ... "
"No." said Cas, "It wasn't that."
"You're not saying much." she said, "This sudden silence is scaring me."
"There are currently forty three arguments in my mind, all of them insoluble and all of them terrifying and I can't talk to you about any of them, because they are not your burden to bear and I should be finding ways to make your dreams come true and give you all that you deserve. Instead, I am pinioned by my own stupid doubts and useless to you."
"Okay. Angel stuff. I get it. We're friends, right?"
"Of course."
"And you're not changing your mind about me?"
"If I could do that, most of the arguments would cease immediately." he said.
"Are you asking me to walk away to give you peace?"
"No." he said. He wanted to say more, but found it impossible.
"Good." she said, "Then we can deal with this together. You want clarity and obvious solutions and you're afraid because you can't find any. Angel stuff. You need to be certain what the right path is."
"Yes." said Cas, "Why are you wasting time on an angel?"
"Cas, stop thinking."
"I don't know how to do that." he said.
"When I look into your eyes, my heart skips a beat." she said.
"You should probably get that checked out." said Cas, "Cardiac arrhythmia is not necessarily dangerous, but can be an indication of a serious condition."
"Okay, I'm failing to distract you."
"You were lying about the arrhythmia?" he said.
"Do I need to come over there and kiss you?"
"Suddenly my thoughts are all the same thought." he said.
"A good thought?"
"Good and bad are shaky constructs right now." he said, "I think I would bring down Heaven to make you smile."
"Well, don't." she said, "But that sounds better than all that mental conflict."
"Feels better too." he said.
"So, when you need peace, just think about a kiss and if that stops working, call me and I'll be there within an hour to kiss you for real."
"The questions still exist." said Cas.
"We'll go through them all, in as much detail as you need to and we will find solutions." she said, "But for now, put them aside and just live in the moment."
"Impossible, since the moment ceases to exist before you are aware of it."
"I mean enjoy life now. Stop worrying about eternity and consequences."
"I am an angel. Eternal consequences are a fundamental consideration." he said.
"You have the most incredible eyes I have ever seen." she said.
"Although focusing on such matters now is becoming increasingly difficult." he said.
"Good. Your only job right now is to look after Dean and Sam. Stop getting stuck in angelic logic loops and senseless guilt trips and we'll untangle your beautiful head when we're together again."
"What if we can't?" he said.
"Then I'll conquer your doubts one kiss at a time." she said, "You're a true warrior, Cas and I would bet on you against any adversary but yourself, but when you fight that battle, you won't fight alone."
