Chapter 39 – The Pain Is Spreading Endlessly
The examinations were grossly intrusive and without her asking him to, Itachi held onto her hand tightly, occasionally bringing it to his lips to kiss soothingly. It was her only source of comfort.
A sharp intake of breath and the tensing of her muscles showed her discomfort, the midwife's hand hurting and scaring the hell out of her, because how was she supposed to give birth–
Holy shitting hell that freaking hurt!
Her whimper caused Itachi to close her hand in his, the other coming to her forehead, brushing her hair back.
"I'm sorry, Haruno-san," the midwife said apologetically.
It was an odd, painful sensation as she felt around inside her and Sakura kept her hips tilted upwards, teary eyes fixed on the ceiling. She tried and tried to distance herself from the invasion, to send her mind elsewhere, but nothing worked. All she could think about was the fact that the midwife's fingers were fat and no amount of lubrication was aiding in making it bearable, the sheet that was supposed to be keeping her covered was bunching up and slipping away and her body was shaking and tensing involuntarily, effectively adding to her pain when the midwife seemingly bulldozed her way into her anyway.
"I can confirm that your cervix is soft and thin," the midwife confirmed their worst fears and she dropped her head back completely with a thud, having lifted it to look down at her when she started speaking. "And it appears it was your mucus plug that you lost – last night, did you say?"
She could only nod.
"What does that mean?" questioned Itachi, voice soft to no doubt lessen her anxiety. It didn't work.
"This is what is known as the latent phase of labour," she told them. It didn't ease her pain when she finally removed her fingers. "You're thirty weeks, correct?"
"Thirty weeks tomorrow," he corrected. "What happens now?"
"Well, I need to confirm with the doctor what she would like to do, but given the fact you're just under thirty weeks, we can offer you tocolysis – this is a labour suppressant."
Focusing on what she was saying was impossible. Sakura was fairly certain that she had belatedly zoned out – or was on autopilot. She wasn't entirely sure. It didn't even register with her when she was sat up and Itachi helped her back into her clothes, wiping the lubrication off her wordlessly. She didn't even know how she sat back down at the desk, waiting for the doctor's arrival or instruction. It felt like she'd shut down completely, in an attempt to protect her mind, maybe?
Her hands came to the bump, cradling it delicately.
While she'd been aware that it was possible to go into early labour, Sakura hadn't thought it'd be so early. In her mind, she pictured thirty-six weeks – thirty-five the earliest. Not barely even thirty. How the hell would they…?
Itachi was embracing her the moment she sobbed.
Would their brains be fully developed? Would their lungs? Gods, what was she going to do if they weren't? How would they cope? Would it tear them apart if their babies didn't survive?
Thirty weeks.
Labour at thirty weeks.
Was it her fault? Was it because of her throwing up? She hadn't done it in weeks – not forcefully, anyway – but would it still have an effect? Had she done something else wrong? What could have caused it, if it wasn't her fault?
They parted when there was a knock on the door, the doctor announcing herself politely and entering once they informed her that she was decent.
The woman was fairly young, with fine wrinkles decorating the corners of her eyes which were clean of makeup. Her shiny black hair was sleeked back into a smart bun, no doubt done to try and smooth out the wrinkles, since it was so tight.
Forcing herself to concentrate on the conversation was difficult, but not impossible. Bits and pieces registered in her mind, though anything that was deemed unimportant wasn't even heard, never mind sinking in for her to remember later on.
"We're going to keep you in overnight, Haruno-san," she informed her gently, dropping a page in her notes back onto the file. "It is necessary when you're a high risk of premature labour."
Overnight? While it was an unpleasant thought, she knew she would be in the best possible place just in case she did suddenly go into full blown labour. They would be able to check on the babies thoroughly if there were any concerns, too. Maybe they'd even stitch her up down there to keep them from coming out before they were fully cooked.
"Would I be able to go home first?"
"It may be best to stay here," Itachi suggested, surprising her with the reluctance in his expression. "The elevators are still broken, meaning you would have to use the stairs."
"I would recommend that you stayed," the doctor agreed and offered an apologetic smile. "Right now, we're going to take it as easy as we can – to the point where it's more or less bed rest."
What?
Bed rest?
"Sakura prefers to be kept busy," explained Itachi when the doctor looked to her worriedly, not understanding her silence or suddenly distraught expression.
"Ah, I see," she said knowingly and smiled again. "Well, you can walk around for short periods of time, but I'm afraid that's all. As I said: we're going to be taking things easy." There was a pause as she jotted something down in her notes, soon glancing back at them. "You mentioned your elevator is broken – I take it that means you live in an apartment?"
Nodding, Sakura said, "We live on the sixth floor."
"We may consider keeping you in for a short while, then." Once again, she wrote something down, frowning. "At least until we're certain your body and the babies are all well rested and not in any way distressed."
A short while? But…
But what if she didn't get to see the nursery in person until the babies were born? What if she didn't like it? She wouldn't get any say in its turnout. She wouldn't see her dogs. Wouldn't be able to snuggle up to Itachi at night, his embraces taking the harsh edge off her day.
"What if I can bully the landlord into fixing the elevator?" she questioned, tone bordering on desperate. "If it's working, can I go home?"
She smiled at that, seemingly holding back her laughter. No doubt it was because she was envisioning a tiny pink-haired girl going head-to-head with some brute and scaring the shit out of him. At least, that was what Sakura pictured whenever she wondered what it would be like seeing their landlord in person. Over the phone, he sounded pretty terrifying.
"It's possible, considering you'd be standing for a short period of time and not climbing numerous flights of stairs," she allowed, continuing to smile. Sparing another glance at the notes, she patted her hand on it once, saying, "The midwife has already mentioned tocolysis – did she explain it?"
"She said it's a labour suppressant," Sakura murmured.
Nodding, the doctor added, "That's right. There's many agents of tocolysis with varying success rates and side effects, though they're all used to postpone labour long enough for us to administer glucocorticoid – this will accelerate the babies' lung maturity, though this could potentially take a couple of days to take effect, which is another reason why we will hospitalise you."
She nodded along, showing that she was listening even though it was hard to absorb everything the doctor said. Fortunately for her, Itachi was a perfectionist who had to know everything, so he would relay any important information to her later, once the shock had faded away. If it faded away.
"We'll need to monitor both yourself and the babies, as a couple of the tocolysis agents can reduce blood pressure, but as I was saying: we were planning on keeping you in for a multitude of reasons, just to ensure everybody will be okay."
"How long can it delay labour for?" asked Itachi, his hand finding hers and holding onto it comfortingly. He probably knew she was zoning out again, Sakura decided, meeting his eye briefly.
"It varies with each version of tocolysis, so it can be anywhere from two to seven days."
Two to seven… "That's all?"
"Try not to worry too much," she implored, eyes saddening at her defeated tone. "We have one of the best neonatal intensive care units and are well-equipped to handle pretty much anything that will be thrown our way. I assure you both, my colleagues and I will do everything we can to help your babies."
The words didn't soothe her. Neither did Itachi's hand as it gently squeezed hers. No, she was too broken up about everything that was happening and could feel her eyes stinging as the tears started to well up, blurring her vision.
"We will all be supporting you here," the doctor assured them both. "Our unit prides themselves on having extra staff on hand, ready to help out at the slightest of issues or concerns. If you ever find yourselves needing to talk to a professional, or need help adjusting to life with premature babies, then we have fully qualified counsellors and midwives also."
She just wanted her babies to be okay.
"Let's show you to your room to get started as soon as possible, shall we?"
For the first time in what felt like ever, Sakura didn't think twice about using the money Itachi earned from his missions. Simply passing the busy wards had her shuddering with discomfort, especially when she caught sight of the newborns or heard wailing women who were having contractions. No, instead, she had her own room – directly opposite the desk, much to her happiness. Sure, it would mean people constantly passing her room throughout the day and even at night, but it also meant she would be close enough to shout for a nurse or midwife, should something happen.
For the time being, they were doing a single dose of tocolysis, instructing her to remain in bed and drink plenty of fluids. Painkillers were available if she needed them, though Sakura abstained and would continue to do so until it became unbearable. They were going to do a few more tests to check on both babies' development (as well as making sure there were no infections in her uterus) and if they weren't up to where the doctor wanted them to be, then she would then go on a drip.
That was everything Itachi had told her (minus the medical jargon) and honestly, even then, it was hard to take it all in. Even a couple of hours later, when Ino appeared in the doorway during visiting hours with Naruto, several bags in hand, Sakura was struggling.
"How are you holding up?" the blonde asked with a frown, placing an overnight bag on the dresser. "Have they started treatments yet?"
She nodded, unable to speak.
Naruto also frowned. "We brought your laptop and headphones."
"And your coursework, too," Ino added. "It'll keep you busy for a while."
"How long do you have to stay here?"
She shrugged.
Ino's expression fell. "Sakura…"
When her shoulders shook once with a silent sob, head falling into her hands, Itachi sighed, hand gently coming to her thigh. "Sakura is still taking everything in. The doctor said it is normal to go into shock."
"Th-They said…" Speaking coherently was no longer a possibility, it seemed, but it wasn't going to stop her from trying. "They can b-be here in th-the next… the next week."
Despite knowing exactly what was going through her friends' heads, they didn't word any of their concerns, instead approaching the bed and offering their comfort in whatever way they could. When Ino sat on the edge of her bed, hand coming to her calf and Naruto slung an arm over her shoulders, she relaxed completely in their holds.
Smiling sadly, she told her, "I found some really cute premature clothes – and don't worry about paying me back. Aunty Ino is here to spoil them both rotten, okay?"
"And so am I," declared Naruto brightly, grinning from ear-to-ear. "We're all here for you guys."
Their words only made her cry harder.
Completely breaking her heart and granting her sweet, sweet relief, the Braxton Hicks – or contractions, she supposed – stopped after the first dose. There were still a few pangs of discomfort, but they weren't even a fraction of the pain she'd previously gone through and she'd take them any day.
After her fourth check up and after her dinner, Kakashi, Sasuke and Shisui arrived during the second lot of visiting hours, bringing her an absurd number of snacks and board games to pass the time with. Sasuke even brought along a meal Temari had made earlier that day, shrugging as he informed her of all the nutrients it was loaded with.
Within hours, her room was filled with many of her belongings, her family doing their utmost to make it feel more homely, but it had the opposite effect. It made her feel more homesick than ever, especially when Kakashi told her that he'd left the dogs in his apartment with Naruto and Pakkun, so that Itachi could stay with her. Damn it, she'd been close to tears when he'd said his goodbyes with a ruffle of her hair, wanting nothing more than to plead with him to stay.
What really got to her was when the midwives apologetically told them that Itachi couldn't stay overnight. Unlike other wards, the maternity ward had strict rules to follow to ensure the safety of new mothers and babies. Sakura had tried to argue, to say that he was the babies' father and deserved to be there, to know of everything that was happening, but they couldn't be swayed. They'd assured her he would be called if she went into labour and would be allowed access to the ward once more, but no sooner. Had they been at full term and born naturally, he would also have to leave after the babies were born, if it was outside of visiting hours.
She got it. She really did. There were some seriously fucked up people out there who relished in causing pain to others. But couldn't any of them see that she couldn't do it without Itachi? Sure, he was allowed to stay from six in the morning until ten at night, but…
Alone in her room, Sakura curled up beneath her several layers of thin blankets, no longer holding back her heartbreak as she wept into the pillow.
She needed Itachi there. She needed his strength and his comfort, because damn it, she was so, so scared.
Nothing had changed during the night other than her mood, which was definitely foul after being woken many times to be placed on a monitor. The only thing stopping her from complaining was the fact that she got to hear her babies and see that their heartbeats were fine.
Much to her happiness, Itachi was back as soon as it turned six o'clock, bringing her breakfast, a duvet and one of the many cushions that decorated their bed. There were no words to describe how comforting it was having it there, for it smelled so much like home that it made her ache.
"How did you sleep?" he asked, brushing the hair from her face.
"Awfully," admitted Sakura. She leaned into his touch after a moment. "You?"
"I couldn't sleep," he told her quietly and sighed. "It didn't feel right sleeping without you."
Gods, and they had to deal with it for who knows how long. "Everything's stopped for now," she repeated what the midwife had told her earlier that morning. "I'm still barely even a centimetre dilated, too."
"The same as when you were admitted."
She nodded.
Watching as he busied himself with dishing out their breakfast into plates he'd brought along (since she disliked hospital food), Sakura allowed herself to relax into her reclined bed, bringing her cushion closer to her chest, inhaling the smell of their home. It was strange, because until that moment, she hadn't even realised her home had a smell. But it did and she was so very grateful for it.
"How are they?" she asked once they started eating.
"Ken is enjoying his time at Kakashi-san's, however Akako is stressed. I believe she misses you."
Poor Akako. She had been so in tune with her pregnancy, always looking out for her and coming to her aid. Just the slightest of bad energy and she would be standing over her protectively, growling at whoever had dared to disturb them. It was something Sakura treasured dearly and hoped, more than anything, that that protective streak would pass onto the babies, too.
"How are they?" he repeated her question, hand coming to her stomach when they'd finished eating.
She tried her best to smile. Really, she did. "Both heartbeats are strong and steady – no signs of distress from either of them," Sakura recalled the midwife's words, even though it'd been so ridiculously early in the morning. "I think I'll be put on the monitor again in a few hours, so you'll be able to hear them too."
Itachi smiled at that, his shoulders relaxing somewhat. "Kakashi-san said he will come and visit in a few hours."
It surprised her, in all honesty. Kakashi disliked hospitals, yet both times she'd been admitted, he'd made an admirable effort to visit her and ensure she knew she had his support. It was something Sakura appreciated massively and so she made a mental note to thank him somehow when she was out of there.
Thinking about it, he'd always been that way, hadn't he? From the day she had met him, Kakashi went out of his way to know that she was supported. If it was time alone that she needed, he ensured she had it. If she was having a panic attack, Pakkun alerted the others and Kakashi was there in a heartbeat, either staying by her side silently or talking her down. He was perhaps the first person who managed to earn one hundred percent of her trust after everything she'd been through – someone she could go to about anything, knowing he would never degrade her for opening up to him about personal stuff.
There was no question about it, was there?
Kakashi was (despite his protests) her dad.
"What is it? Are you in pain?"
She looked to her boyfriend, hand coming to her face to wipe it clean of tears. "No, I'm just…" Sakura smiled, looking down at her lap. "I'm happy."
Dark eyes warmed.
It didn't matter if she didn't have anyone other than Ino's mother as a role model (in terms of how to be a mother) because she had Kakashi. If she was half the man – the parent – that he was, then she would be okay. Even if they were born premature, even if they had a world of problems, she could do it, because she had the perfect role model, the perfect example to look up to.
She could be a parent.
A/N - I had to put my cat to sleep because he was an old boy and was so tired, to the point where his body was slowly shutting down.
I don't know if any of you will remember him - he's the rescue who basically lived in my bedroom with me and sat with me whenever I was writing. He was kind of like my emotional support cat, always there whenever I was down, wrapped himself around my head and watched me sleep (which is apparently a sign that the cat is watching over you, as they see you as being weaker and needing their protection, or something along those lines), managed to calm me down when I was angry or soothe me or just stayed by my side trying to comfort me during panic attacks. Honestly, I'm feeling so lost right now. I couldn't even sleep properly last night because for the first time in like 8 years, I had a whole pillow to myself and it was so lonely. I kept making sure I left enough space for him to snuggle up to me, only to have to remind myself that he wouldn't be there. In the end, our youngest cat came up to sleep with me on the pillow, occasionally nudging and licking me.
It was so sad. When we returned with the empty cat box, she kinda crept up to it and sniffed at it, then started walking around and miaowing, presumably looking for him. She went to his hideout where he spent the majority of his time in his final few weeks and curled up in his blankets, just laying there for the longest time.
The vets were amazing though and I can't thank them enough. Even though they were rushed off their feet, they let me spend a little longer with him and even teared up themselves when I wrapped him up in a blanket like he was a baby. She couldn't stop promising me that she'd take care of him and even gave me a bit of his fur as a keepsake.
Anyways, moving on since it's only worsening my mood and UGH.
Being stuck on a maternity ward sucks, for those of you who don't know. Before I had my son, I was admitted twice - once when I was severely dehydrated due to hyperemesis, then again about a week before he was born due to reduced movements, bleeding, stopping growing and a few other things. The ward is so noisy, obviously and you never get a wink of restful sleep, because if you're in there, it's imperative that you're watched over and checked up on several times a night.
When I was there, I was hooked onto this monitor thing that detected my son's heartbeat and I'd be on it for like 45 minutes to an hour at a time, several times a night. And you can't sleep when it's on either, because it's kind of like this band wrapped around your stomach and back and if you move, you can knock the sensors off and it won't detect the heartbeat.
Honestly, being on the ward was a terrifying experience. I wasn't even that nervous about giving birth until then!
