Chapter 59.

As the sound of the Impala faded, Sarah said to Sam, "While he's gone, you need to know that Castiel is aware that the talismans never actually worked."

His heart sank. "I'm sorry, Cas." he said.

"Jack worked with you to fake them, didn't he?" said Cas.

"All blame attaches to me." said Sam.

"No blame attaches to either of you. Classic Sam Winchester move, to do something nobody else would imagine trying and somehow make it work. How did I not know the power I was sensing was Jack's?"

"Angels are a lot less cynical than humans. Don't feel bad about it. I was relying on your mental strength and your intelligence. If I could make you believe you could control the link, I was fairly sure you could do it. Same with Dean. Dean doesn't know yet, I assume. I don't have a mouthful of wall, so Dean can't know."

"I think Dean would understand that you did what you had to do." said Cas, "Whether he does or not, I do. Thanks for giving me a little time. I'm also glad I now know, because it convinced me to try to control the link and last night, my mind was opened to all kinds of possible benefits. Plus, he doesn't hate it nearly as much as I thought."

"So we just need to keep Dean trusting the talismans for a little longer." said Sarah.

"Welcome to Team Meerkat." said Sam.

"I don't think I understand that reference." said Cas.

"It's fine. You don't need to." said Sam. "I'm just relieved you don't hate me."

"No wonder you weren't talking to anyone." said Cas, "Which worried Dean, by the way."

"He's fine now." said Sarah, "He thinks the big secret was that you felt left out because of the mindlink."

"Does it ever seem to you that secrets make life much too complicated?" said Cas.

"All the time, but total honesty is often not a good move either." said Sam.

"We're all walking a high wire over thin ice." said Sarah, "We do our best. Now, Castiel, I know your mind is a little unsteady and if you're not feeling confident about going back to Bobby's, we need to tell Dean, but if you can do it, you should. It'll be good for both of you to get used to handling the link when there's some tension and difficulty."

Cas straightened his coat. "I am in control of my mind." he said.

"Good enough for me." said Sam.

"The truth is, I need the distraction." said Cas.

"That's less positive." said Sarah.

"I need to have control over the mindlink. Certain conflicts of carnal and celestial impulses of temporal and eternal import are rendering me helpless and I do not enjoy feeling helpless. In the safe space we have created between our minds, none of that conflict can enter. In fact, I think it resides behind bolted, padlocked doors there. That place is pure. There, I am clear-headed."

"That's a good point." said Sam, looking at Sarah's doubtful expression.

"I think we need to give Dean a heads up about this." she said.

"About what?" said Cas, "I just told you, there, the issues don't exist."

"I know you believe that, Castiel, but when you and Dean go into the link, voluntarily or not, you take all your emotional baggage with you. Dean needs to be ready for an ambush by any or all or your current issues."

"I don't think it's necessary, but you have never steered me wrong." said Cas.

"He doesn't need every detail, just to know that you have certain conflicts in your heart and mind."

"Do you three believe that my feelings for Jules render me weaker?" said Cas.

"No, we don't." said Sam.

"I think your desire to be a perfect angel and to avoid error and to do penance for your mistakes all make your life a lot harder." said Sarah, "What you feel for Jules is giving you strength to forge a new life for yourself."

"I don't want a new life." said Cas, "I don't want to cut all ties with Heaven. I don't want to be human. No offence to either of you, but it's not exactly a golden ticket."

"No, we get that." said Sam.

"My mother wanted a career at a time when careers were not considered compatible with life as a respectable wife and mother." said Sarah.

"I don't see the relevance." said Cas.

"She's saying you don't have to choose between Heaven and humanity." said Sam, "You can have it all. We'll find a way."

"I don't want there to be a hive with Jules written on it." said Cas.

"Of course not. That would be confusing." said Sam.

"He means he doesn't want her to die." said Sarah.

"Oh." said Sam.

"Loneliness is bearable. Every death hits harder. Every loss hurts more. Every time my action or inaction costs us someone we care about, the weight ... the stain becomes worse. If harm comes to her, because of me ... "

"Dean and I will protect her." said Sam.

"None of us has a perfect record on protecting people," said Cas, "And if Heaven should decide ... "

"Screw Heaven! We've got Jack." said Sam, "She needs and deserves our protection anyway, don't you think? Michael considers all of them ... all of us, his enemies. Whether she's with you or not, we'll stand by her. You're allowed to want love, Cas!"

"I'm not allowed to want a cup of espresso." said Cas, "No desires, no doubts."

"You're not allowed to stop apocalypses, yet you do." said Sam.

"Which is fortunate for all of us." said Sarah.

"I don't know who I am or what I am or where I am going or what I want to do." said Cas.

"Why don't you tell us when this stuff is in your head?" said Sam, "Winchester Pact, Cas!"

Cas smiled sadly at him. "Boundaries, Sam."