"Well, I admit that I'm quite tone-deaf," replied Ren with a small smile. It made him look mischievous. Hux realised that his smile reached his eyes. That oaf was really carrying his heart on his sleeve. Perhaps that was why he was wearing the mask? He had a terrible Sabacc-face.
Or was this one of his ploys to get him to let his guard down? Hux was tempted to think that he was candid. He enjoyed this conversation, he had to admit.
"Judging from your quarters you're also aesthetic-blind," he quipped.
Ren scoffed. "Says the man who has only First Order insignia in his black room." He looked around. "It's depressing, by the way."
"Well, at least I have more than one piece of furniture," Hux shot back. "And your half-melted Vader mask isn't exactly cheery either."
"My quarters are a place of meditation, to strengthen my connection to the Force. I have no need for baubles."
Hux was about to reply when the scanner beeped. Ren literally jumped up, spilling his tea. Hux made an effort to remain calm even if he was curious too; he put his tea slowly down and rose from his seat.
"What does it say?" asked Ren. He was staring at the display but couldn't obviously understand the read-outs.
Hux scrolled through the results. "Hm, it seems that the holocron contains Isotope-5." He smirked. "Darth Azamin's legacy is a sample of some outdated fuel."
"What?" Ren looked dejected and for a short moment Hux felt bad for smirking.
"Isotope-5. A potent fuel from the planet Makeb - back during the Great Galactic War it was certainly important but today's synt-fuel is much more powerful." He looked once again at the readings. "She was a military leader, so it's only natural that she wouldn't share mystic knowledge but military intel. A sample like this used to be very valuable."
He looked up and caught Ren staring into empty space. He ran his hand through his hair, his face twisted in anger. "Kriff!"
Hux had a biting remark on the tip of his tongue but he decided to remain silent. Seeing Ren upset was nothing new, but seeing a range of emotions pass over his face was. His lower lip trembled and with a single gesture he summoned the holocron into his hands and crushed it. Orange liquid ran down his gloves and the hem of his robes.
"Kriff!" he yelled and threw it against the wall.
Hux used his pad to summon a cleaning droid to take care of the mess. Then he went to the couch table and took his tea.
Ren was bent over the table, hair hanging in his face, his breathing was ragged. Hux took a sip of tea. "I take it you expected something else?"
Ren pushed himself away from the table and hissed: "You don't understand! You don't know what I did to get this!"
"So you killed somebody?" Hux shrugged. "That's how the Galaxy is."
Ren stared at him, his mouth hanging open. "But I killed people for that useless thing…" he whispered. "What was the point of it all if there is nothing of value here?"
"Oh, please, to kill somebody is to kill somebody. Motivations are only padding. Telling yourself that there is a higher reason is a fairy tale for grown-ups."
"No, that's not true. They deserve-"
"You think the men, women and children we killed with our orbital bombing on Duxun III deserved to die?" Hux gulped his tea down and looked at Ren. Some Dark Lord he turned out to be. "They were just collateral damage. We're at war - people die."
Ren looked calmer now. "How many people have you killed?"
Hux went in the kitchenette and put the mug into the cleaner. Pictures of a man in a dirty uniform came to mind, he was sobbing, begging... Hux blinked a few times. "Personally? About twenty I think, I didn't keep count."
"I sense regret."
"Killing people feels odd, doesn't it?" Hux turned to face Ren. "At first it feels liberating, exhilarating even. But it makes…" he broke off. What was he doing? This wasn't something he was supposed to tell Ren.
"...it makes one feel thin, almost empty," said Ren in a quiet voice.
"Yes."
"Does that mean that you tell yourself fairy tales too?"
Hux scoffed. He shouldn't have used this metaphor. "Sometimes. We all need some perspective in our lives. Just because I see through the mechanisms it doesn't mean that I'm immune to its effects." He really shouldn't talk to Ren about this. It was silly, weak. It was probably because it was late and they were both tired.
"Thank you," said Ren so quietly that Hux almost thought he had misheard.
He shifted his weight from one leg to another and cleared his throat. "What are you going on about, Ren?" He ignored the small stab in his chest as he heard his own cold voice.
"You make me feel like I'm still a human being," said Ren.
Hux gulped, he could feel that Ren's words had a hidden hurt underneath. He pressed his lips together. He knew that he shouldn't talk to Ren, not like this. But he couldn't stop himself, perhaps it was alright, just this once?
"What else are you supposed to be?"
"To some I'm a monster, to others I'm not monster enough. Sometimes I was supposed to be a kind son, a patient student, a creative tinker. Sometimes I was supposed to be a vengeful prodigy, a cunning apprentice, a veteran commander… but I felt more like- I don't know."
Ren was clearly alluding to his role as Sith - so he had been a Jedi once? Hux made a mental note that he had to add that to his own file of Ren.
Ren sniffled and came closer to Hux. He pulled his Isotope-5 covered gloves off and threw them onto the table. Then he reached up and cupped Hux's cheek. His hand was warm, it felt strangely comforting.
"I know that I'm not as cunning as you are, Hux." He caressed Hux's face with his thumb. "I know that you look down on me, seeing me as a nuisance in your elaborate plans. But I think that at least you see me as who I am and not who I'm supposed to be."
Hux's mouth felt dry. "I thought you were special."
"I am special in many ways, but not like this. You- you make me feel good about myself."
Hux didn't understand what Ren was getting at. What was he supposed to say? That he didn't look down on him? That he actually liked the feeling of his calloused hand on his clean-shaved face? No, he couldn't. This was some kind of plot; it had to be. Who would actually want to be with him? Nobody of course. He had to keep the upper hand.
"Is this some convoluted way to ask me if I want to sleep with you?" Hux chose to ignore the expression of hurt that flashed over Ren's handsome face. Then he nodded, oddly enough he looked sad.
Ren leaned in to kiss him. Hux let it happen. The kiss was softer than everything Hux had experience before. When Ren pulled back he looked like he wanted to say something, but in the end he just started to take his clothes off.
