Chapter 60.
Dean got back with the burgers and put them on the kitchen table. He nudged Cas and said, "I got you this ice cream thing."
Cas took it. "Thankyou." he said.
"Let's eat!" said Dean. He smiled at Sam. "How many burgers do you think we've eaten, over the years?"
"I think it's a lot." said Sam, "We have singlehandedly prevented a cow overpopulation problem."
Dean was aware, as they ate, that Sam and Sarah were exchanging uneasy glances and he was not surprised when, shortly after the meal, when they were all back in the parlour, Cas said, "Dean, there's something that you should know."
"Speak." said Dean. He looked at Sam and Sarah. "Somebody speak."
"Castiel is concerned that his current mental state could cause problems today." said Sarah.
"Slightly wonky walls at Bobby's problems or tidal wave of mental pain melts tiny human brain problems?" said Dean.
"The former, I hope." said Cas.
"Yeah, let's both hope that." said Dean, "You wanna elaborate?"
"There are some conflicts that keep breaking through into my thoughts, however much I try to bury them as you do. Obviously, if you want to call off this afternoon's experiment ... "
"If you don't wanna do it, we don't do it." said Dean firmly.
"We probably need to learn to use the link when everything isn't perfect." said Cas, "Because often, our lives are not perfect."
"Are you sure?"
"I've observed many such times over the past year alone." said Cas.
"I mean are you sure you want to go to Bobby's?" said Dean.
"I am a little afraid what may walk through the door, but yes, I am sure."
"Okay. Well, you spend an hour with your bee friends and we'll meet upstairs when you're done."
Cas nodded and went outside.
Sam watched him go and then said, "This could be a great opportunity."
"Yeah, or a total disaster." said Dean.
"Castiel is trying to keep his thoughts and feelings under control." said Sarah, "He's doing well, but it would do him good to express them to someone he trusts in a safe place. If you can hold that space for him, he might be able to make good use of it. It might be the next best thing to teaching him how to sleep."
"He has slept before. It should be possible." said Dean.
"Do you think you can do this?" said Sam.
"Yeah, I know I can." said Dean, "We'll be okay. These feelings he's been having, they're about Jules, right?"
"Partially," said Sarah, "But peripherally. His feelings for Jules are not the problem, they just brought up a lot of things about his self-worth, shame and regret. This is a lot more about him failing to be a good enough angel than it is about Jules."
"Self-worth, shame and regret?" said Dean, "I know the territory."
"Indeed you do." she said, "And that means it could be dangerous territory for you. You need to control the situation, because if his self-esteem issues spark off yours, you'll both be in a bad place. You need to stay focused and you need to help Castiel to focus."
"I think I can do that." he said.
"I know you can." she said, "Just to be clear, I'm not saying armour up and Dean Winchester your way through. I'm saying control the place you have made and keep it strong so that both of you can handle your emotions there."
"I understand." said Dean, "Regulation, not repression."
"And if it gets out of hand there," said Sam, "You both need to get out."
Dean nodded. "Don't worry. There's a degree of emotion that I just won't deal with and it's not as high as you'd think. It gets turbulent in there and I am closing down the experiment for the day."
"If it works," said Sarah, "And you two find you can talk in there about the stuff you keep to yourselves out here, we may be moving on to a whole new level."
"I can't make any promises about that." he said.
"I'm not asking for any." she said.
"But I am cautiously optimistic." He saw Sam looking at him in surprise. "What?" he said.
"Things really have changed, haven't they?" said Sam.
Dean smiled. "I guess so. I think I'm in a better place than I have been for years, but now we need to look after the angel. He needs us."
"I know he does. I wish I could do this with you."
"You can. You are. Believe me, you don't wanna be in the mind curse with us."
"The mind what?" said Sarah sternly.
"It's just a word." said Dean.
"Words have power." she said.
"Okay, fine, the mindlink. Bobby's."
"Are you sure you can handle Cas's stuff on top of your own?" said Sam.
"I told you, things are better for me now." said Dean.
"Maybe you should go upstairs now, take a nap until he comes in." said Sarah.
He was about to say he didn't need one, but decided not to argue. "Yeah, I think I will." he said.
