So much angst, but these five years are giving Mikaela a lot of important character development - I hope you guys can enjoy it!

Chapter Forty-One - Year Three

Mikaela's feet crunch on the gravel as she walks up the driveway. The darkness is deep and endless, but she finds comfort in it, knowing it means she is alone, that she can let her face droop, her shoulders slump, her sighs sound. She can let her exhaustion show.

The thrum of technology behind her keeps her grounded, leaving her on the edge of an almost meditative state. She never knew it would be so comforting to be hidden underneath a dome that conceals her and the school behind her from the rest of the world.

She also never knew how strange it would feel being layered with so many emotions at one time. Ever since meeting Tony, her emotions have been something she has struggled to maintain control of, and occasionally she would be hit by two at once, but they would usually go hand-in-hand, so were fairly easy to deal with.

But, now, and for the last two and a bit years, she experiences something much more complex. She can feel scared and angry and tired and bored and content and happy and loving, but underneath it all, buried in her heart of hearts for none but her to know about, there is a constant, mind-numbing, dull ache that threatens to completely demotivate and drain her. It is a daily battle to keep moving, to keep working and planning and interacting and living. Some days are easier to bear it, but other days she just doesn't want to anymore. It gnaws at her constantly, pulling her under and planting doubt in her heart that she ever does feel these other emotions, that she's just convinced herself that she does because that's what she should be feeling.

No one seems to notice her fight, and that makes her feel relieved, but also lonely.

Her mind replays a memory of its own volition, catching her off guard. It's Peter, looking at her knowingly and demonstrating his understanding of her as she struggles to step foot into his home.

She stops herself before she wonders whether he'd notice her feelings now, because she can hazard a guess that she wouldn't feel as bad as she does if he were here to do said noticing.

When she comes upon the edge of the dome, she plonks herself down at the base of a tree trunk, running a slack hand down her exhausted features. Her groan is audible and cracked and freeing.

Her head leans back against the tree trunk, her eyes sliding closed to concentrate on her deep breaths and the sounds around her. She loves coming out at this time of night, when the kids are asleep and the teachers are all recovering in the lounges or their bedrooms from their long days, and all Mikaela can hear is the wind rustling through the leaves, and the creatures of the night going about their lives.

Her phone buzzes gently in her pocket. She reaches out to it with her mutation instead of opening her eyes and retrieving it physically.

"Hey, just got home. How's your night going?"

Mikaela smiles at the contact from Vanessa, a memory floating before her eyes of having Vanessa promise she'd keep in touch to prove she was still alive and functioning.

Mikaela sends a reply, "Good. It's alright. Trouble-free shift?"

She doesn't see Vanessa as much as she'd like. She doesn't see anyone as much as she'd like; but, while part of her is desperate for the interaction, the other part knows that she'll end up coming away feeling worse because she can feel that something is just missing.

"Mostly. I'm getting real tired of this. How are you?"

Mikaela swatts away any negative thoughts and reactions, aggressively concentrating on her steady breathing now.

"A bit lonely, I guess - nothing new. You?" she replies, sending the message through her phone from her thick skull.

"The same. Trying to get used to it though."

Vanessa's words make Mikaela's chest clench and she winces.

"I know you wanted me to keep hoping that some miracle was going to come around and fix everything, but I just don't know. I think it's not sustainable for me to hope for that anymore," the woman adds.

Mikaela's eyes sting behind her closed eyelids but, otherwise, she is perfectly still.

"I get it, I know it's probably the healthy thing to do," she sends back.

Vanessa replies quickly, "But you're still hoping anyway".

Mikaela sighs and sends her response out. "I don't know what'll happen to me if I stop."

There is a moment where she wonders if Vanessa has fallen asleep, but then her phone buzzes again.

"Sweetie, I know you probably don't want to think about this, but if a miracle WAS gonna happen, and we got everyone back, you know that it's been over two years since they disappeared, right? You'd be nearly 20 years old, and he'd still be 17 or whatever he was - and that's if we got them back today, never mind another few years down the line. What you had with him wouldn't work now."

Mikaela's dull ache settles deeper into her bones. She doesn't even have it in her to cry anymore. She knows fine well that, either way, her and Peter would never be able to just pick up where they left off - their dynamic would be irreversibly altered with the age gap.

"Yeah. I'm still searching for a mutant who might be able to help, but I understand you wanting to move on and I'm not going to stop or judge you."

Another moment ticks by silently. Then, "I love you, kiddo."

"I love you more," Mikaela sends back, sighing.

As if on cue, her mood becomes impossibly more numb and disconnected. She's starting to wonder if sending that SOS to Xavier's school all those years ago, when Diez was going to kill her, might just have been the biggest mistake of her life.

A couple of hours pass her by as she sits there, slumped against the tree, staring out into the darkness. And then she hears footsteps.

"You know you don't need to stand guard here, right?"

Mikaela sighs, bracing herself to be irritated. "What do you want, Pyro?" she mutters.

He comes up next to her and looks down at her face. "You look like shit."

Mikaela pointedly stares away from him. He and a fraction of his group received a message she had put out - at Storm's insistence - about where the new facility was and an invitation for them to join, and he arrived a few weeks later, refusing to apologise for his previous actions but commending them on the idea and its success. He's still an ass.

He sighs and squats next to her. "I'm serious though, man. You've been here for months and no one's even heard a whisper of it. The school is safe. We're not on the estate anymore."

"You don't get it," Mikaela bites out. "You can just decide you're better than all this and fuck off whenever you want. These people need me. I have to help them, I have to make sure they're safe. I can't just walk away from this. I don't want to walk away."

"I know," he replies, and his voice is almost gentle. It makes her look over at him. "But you're no use to them running on empty, are you? And there are other people to make sure nothing bad's coming while you're away."

Mikaela sighs. She knows what he's suggesting, but she doesn't know if she can just relax and turn off for a while.

"Why don't you go home and actually sleep for once," he sighs, standing up straight again.

The dull ache in her throbs. "Don't think I've got one of those, pal."

She can feel him staring at the side of her head. "Mikaela, for fuck sake, go take a break somewhere."

She is exhausted. And Pyro is capable of burning people alive, so the school would probably be in safe hands. It just makes her nervous - especially because Wakanda has entrusted the teaching of their mutants to them too.

"Fine," she groans, pushing herself to her feet. "Don't burn the place down while I'm gone."

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The sun is rising by the time she pulls into the Stark's driveway. Bark and soil crunch under the tyres of the jeep she uses when she wants to feel semi-normal. She can see that none of the lights are on in the farmhouse, so she skirts round the building and heads down to the pier instead, a little guilty about feeling relieved that no one is up yet.

The wood creaks as she walks down to the edge and sits down. She takes her shoes and socks off and rolls up her jeggings before dunking her feet in the water. She winces at the temperature, crossing her arms over her chest instinctively. The lake is calm and still, reflecting the glorious colours of the sunrise, and she almost feels content, until she's reminded of sitting with Peter on the edge of a building gazing out at the same colours.

She sighs and dips her chin to press against her chest, which clenches painfully at the memory. It's been just over two years since he was taken from her, and she still thinks about him every day, still misses his happy face and dorky jokes, still won't move on.

She still interviews every new mutant that comes to the school, still watches every mutant's progress, waiting to find something that could possibly help her fix things and bring everyone back. It's not just Peter she misses, and she knows everyone in the universe has lost someone. She just wants to put everything back to how it was.

But she can't. Not right now, at least. But Vanessa was right, things with Peter won't go back to how they were even if she does get him back. It took her a long time to admit to herself that she had been falling for him, that she had wanted him and wanted him to want her, and it almost broke her to do it - but she needed to admit it in order to process and move past it. Because she isn't falling for him anymore, because he's gone and she's older, and because if she got him back, she wouldn't fall for him again.

At this point, it's not about bringing him back to her. It's about bringing him back for Tony, for Ben's lonely gravestone, for him and May to continue bantering and caring for each other, for him to get to live the life he deserved. She wants him back for his own sake, because he didn't deserve to disappear like that, because the world needs him, because the world deserves a life like his doing good and spreading laughter and happiness and love.

The dull ache in her pulses, knowing that she has lost something that would have meant the world to her, more than she could understand, probably, and now she doesn't know if she'll ever find it again. She doesn't know if she even wants to. She had her chance, she felt how painful it was when it didn't work out, and she thinks the risk might just be too much.

She can go on finding comfort in other endeavours, the way she has her entire life, but she knows this thing that she's been missing since she was cast out of her childhood home might be something she'll never recover, never regain in anything or anyone else. She almost had it, but obviously fate didn't want it for her.

"Hey, Ghostie."

Mikaela blinks, just realising how far the sun has risen now. A slow smile spreads across her face at Tony's voice.

"You haven't moved in an hour. Pep wanted me to check you hadn't died."

Her smile breaks into an amused grin, and she turns her head to look over her shoulder at him. He's already smiling, and he keeps smiling while his eyes dart over her face, but he frowns at the same time.

"Rough night?" he says, removing his hands from his pockets to sit down next to her.

"Look at you," Mikaela smiles fondly, brushing the question aside, "wearing a sweater and walking around without any shoes on."

He scoffs, looking out over the lake. "I am liberated. And also exhausted. Keeping a two-year-old entertained is exhausting."

Mikaela shrugs. "You made your bed, now-"

"Ugh, shut up," he mumbles, slapping her leg with the back of his hand.

She lifts an eyebrow. "Try maintaining authority over a hundred kids running around with mutations."

"It's not a pissing contest, grow up," he huffs.

Mikaela chuckles and looks out at the water again, stretching her back.

"Everything alright?" Tony asks, keeping his tone light in case she doesn't want to talk.

"Not everything," she replies, "but some things, yeah."

He nods, slumping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his side. He kisses the top of her head before leaning his cheek on it, squeezing her arm a little.

It makes her sad that she can't find the thing she lost in Tony, but the dull ache within her bones and soul is relieved whenever she's with him, her misery quietened for a while, and that makes him the most important person in the world to her. She can't cure her ailment, but she can treat it.

"God, you're so muscly now," Tony comments, amused, squeezing her arm a couple more times. "I know I said you need to keep fit to keep up with the suit, but, this seems like overkill, I gotta say."

Mikaela rolls her eyes. "Nat's training me up so I don't have to rely on the suit."

"Is it not good enough for you?" he sniffs, defensive but playful.

She pulls away to stare at him flatly. "You got to learn and prove that you were more than the suit, I just want peace of mind in knowing that I can still beat the shit outta-"

"Kay!" a young voice yells, elongating the vowel until it sounds like she's just screaming nonsense.

Mikaela turns her body to grin at Morgan running down the pier towards them, her bare feet slapping against the wood noisily. "Hey, Mo!" she calls back, stumbling tiredly to her feet with genuine enthusiasm to receive the girl with open arms.

Morgan throws herself at Mikaela, wrapping her short arms and legs around the nineteen-year-old's body as much as she can. Mikaela quickly secures her, giving the girl a big squeeze as she kisses her chubby cheek.

"Ew!" Morgan giggles, slapping tiny hands against Mikaela's face.

Mikaela gasps dramatically. "Ew?" she repeats, "It wasn't 'ew' when I last saw you! What happened?"

"Ew," Morgan grins, but then tucks herself into the crook of Mikaela's neck, tiny fingers clutching at her t-shirt.

Mikaela chuckles to herself and looks round at Tony when he starts to stand up. His face is showing a display of raw emotion, not even bothering to hide it with humour when she makes eye contact. He steps towards them and puts his arm around Mikaela again, giving her another kiss on her head, and begins to lead them back up the pier to the house.

"I love you, guys," he says quietly, giving Mikaela a squeeze.

Mikaela smiles, her heart swelling. The scene moves her, with her cradling Tony's child and him welcoming her into his family like always, no matter how long it's been since she last saw them. She thinks this is as close to home as she'll ever get, and she's happy with that.

"Hey, sweetie!" Pepper calls from the living room when they enter the house.

"Hi, Pepper," Mikaela smiles, adjusting her hold of Morgan so she can give the redhead a hug.

"You look tired," Pepper says, a hint of concern in her voice.

Morgan reaches out for her mother so Mikaela hands her over. "Just a late night," Mikaela replies.

"How's the school?" Tony asks, leading the way into the kitchen.

Mikaela breathes in the smell of whatever they're cooking for breakfast, her stomach rumbling. "It's good. Really good," she replies, nodding. "We've got so much more space, and we've found more people to teach. Did I tell you that before we left Xavier's estate, a woman came to the gates saying she was part of a group of teachers who'd lost their jobs 'cos their schools shut down?"

Tony shakes his head at her, an eyebrow lifted in curiosity, attending to a pancake in the frying pan.

"Well she said, while they didn't know anything about mutants, they'd be happy to help where they could, so a few of them live in the new school with the kids to teach maths and science and stuff. It took a lot of pressure off of Storm and Hank to have them there," Mikaela explains.

"That's great, what a relief that must have been," Pepper empathises, coming into the kitchen as well with Morgan in tow. "Are you teaching anything yet?"

Mikaela sighs and slumps into a seat at the dining table. "Paranoia, according to Pyro," she replies dryly.

"That guy's back?" Tony asks, bothered.

Mikaela shrugs. "Safety in numbers," she says. "And he has actually been mostly decent since he came back," she allows, wincing. "I think the new school suits him better."

"Why paranoia?" Pepper asks, frowning, taking a seat as well. Morgan toddles over to where Tony stands, leaning onto her tiptoes to try and see the pancakes.

Mikaela rubs her forehead. "It's just taking a while to drop old habits," she says tiredly.

"You're worried they're not safe?" Tony asks, glancing over his shoulder at her.

"No, I know they're safe, I do - I know the technology Wakanda used when they built the place means that nobody's going to stumble across it and attack."

"But?" Pepper prompts.

Mikaela leans her elbow on the table to support her chin in her hand. "I don't know. What else am I supposed to do if I'm not standing guard every night?" she jokes lamely.

"Every night?" Pepper repeats, frowning deeper. "Mikaela, are you taking care of yourself?"

Enough to keep herself alive to be of use to these people. "Yeah, of course," she replies, smiling. "It's just a couple hours each night, and I'm linked in to the tech in case something comes up when I'm asleep." It's only half a lie.

She hears Tony sigh quietly, his back to her, a hand leaning on the countertop. She needs to change the subject quickly.

"Hey, Mo, you been watching the videos I sent you of those cool kids?" she asks, smiling when Morgan turns to her with a bright grin.

"Yeah!" the girl says. "Cool kids," she repeats.

"You like the one with the colours?"

Morgan toddles over to hold Mikaela's hand. "They were pretty," she giggles.

"I thought you would," Mikaela grins. Sending Morgan videos of the mutant kids training was the safest way Mikaela could make sure Morgan knew about and liked mutants, and the safest way she could show the girl what her world was like.

"Wanna watch Spidey," Morgan says gently, a shy smile on her face. For as young as she was, the girl knew there was something different about the videos Mikaela showed her of Peter, something that made them not the same as the mutant kids.

Mikaela smiles, but the ache throbs so painfully it nearly chokes her voice. "Maybe later, Mo," she replies quietly.

"Let's get some pancakes," Tony says, successfully distracting his daughter. He glances at Mikaela, a soft expression on his face, and all she can do is try her best to smile back.

They make it past lunch until Morgan asks for videos of Peter again. Mikaela nods and takes the girl back inside, finding the comfiest seat in the living room to slump into. Morgan crawls up next to her and presses against her side.

"Turn it on," the girl giggles, pointing at the TV.

Mikaela smiles and snaps her fingers - knowing Morgan likes it best when she adds some flare, some showmanship, to her mutation. The TV turns on, and Morgan claps her hands.

"Spidey!" she calls.

Mikaela puts an arm around the girl and does as she asks, bringing up videos of Peter swinging around Queens in his Spider-Man suit, from a time where Mikaela was too stubborn and cautious to make a move for what she wanted. Her heart clenches, and she rests her chin on Morgan's head so she doesn't have to hide the pain on her face.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"She looks exhausted," Pepper says quietly, watching Mikaela and Morgan retreat into the house.

"I know," Tony replies, concern thrumming in his chest. "I thought she'd feel better when the kids were somewhere safer and everything had settled down a little."

Pepper sighs. "Ever since her mom abandoned her, she's lived a life where she's always been fighting something or protecting herself or someone else. She's always had some kind of mission. And now-"

"Now the mutants are safe and don't need her protection, we're safe and happy here, and," Tony trails off, shrugging.

"And Peter's not around for her to watch over," Pepper finishes gently.

Tony sighs and leans his head on his fist, his elbow resting on the arm of the bench. "If I can settle down and enjoy the peace, why can't she?"

Pepper reaches out to hold his hand. "Because you found your home," she says gently.

"But she has-"

"No, Tony," Pepper interrupts. "Not that kind of home."

He clenches his jaw, unable to stop the guilt building in him. It's always there, lingering under the surface of his skin, but he can usually keep it at bay by being grateful for his time with Peter, and how it allowed him to feel ready to start this amazing family in this amazing home he now has.

But he let Thanos take Peter away from Mikaela, and it's almost too much for him to bear.

"God," he hisses, his eyes stinging. He sits up straight, shaking his head, his fingers squeezing Pepper's. "She coulda been happy."

Pepper sighs gently and comes to sit next to him on the bench. "Pete would've made sure of that," she smiles softly, trying to catch his eye. "But she can still be happy."

"Not in that way," he shakes his head. He's seen the resignation in the young woman's eyes, the way she looks at videos of Peter as if she's lost something she'll never find again.

"No, maybe not," Pepper allows, "But you can see that she genuinely enjoys her time with us, with Morgan, and didn't Steve tell you she was having fun training with Natasha?"

"Yeah, I guess," Tony says, flicking his hand distractedly. "I just wish they'd had a chance. They were gonna be good for each other."

Pepper leans in to kiss his cheek. "C'mon, let's make sure they're not causing any trouble."

When they walk into the living room, Tony's bad thoughts melt away and he finds himself smiling, heart bursting with love for the two girls on the couch. As videos of Peter play on the TV, Morgan sits staring, as enamoured as she always is, curled into Mikaela's side as the nineteen-year-old breathes softly, her chin resting on Morgan's head, her eyes closed.

Pepper appears moved by the scene as well when she turns to share his smile, one hand touching her chest, the other touching his arm. Tony will never be able to express how much he loves Pepper, how he will never repay her for the way she didn't think twice, didn't even feel the need to discuss that Mikaela became a part of the family. He didn't have to ask or persuade or anything, Pepper just assumed and encouraged that Mikaela could use this home as her own, could come here whenever she wanted and be welcomed with open arms.

"I love you, Pep," he says, and he knows it's not nearly enough words to convey it all.

But she smiles in that way that lets him know that she knows, she understands, and she says, "I love you too, Tony."

He promises himself he will never take this all for granted, will never spend a day without showing Pepper how much he cherishes her, Morgan how much he adores her, and Mikaela how much he loves her. They mean everything to him, and he'll never do anything to compromise his family.