"I saw you
and that was all that mattered."
-via Ben Maxfield
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The Potter Wedding, January 1980
"James! James, for Christ sake," Sirius groaned. "You can't spend any more time in the bathroom."
Remus watched from the doorway, irreplaceable smirk on his face, as Sirius made attempts to coax James out of the washroom.
Not only had they all woken up late – Remus included – but Alice had been late with the suit. Why did Alice have the suit? Upon trying it on one last time before the big day, he'd ripped the underarms of the blazer and the pant legs were far too short. Alice was the only one with acceptable suturing skills, so, like any sensible person, Remus had delivered the suit at two o'clock in the morning just a day before the wedding in hopes she'd get it fixed up in a pinch. And she had! Just in time.
Peter hadn't shown up yet, which was exactly what Remus had expected in such circumstances, and Euphemia was banned from the boy's dressing room lest she make James even more nervous than he already was. Fleamont had been in and out just to make sure everyone had been on task; of course, they hadn't been more often than not, but it was a wedding day! These are only supposed to come once in a lifetime. What would be a Marauder wedding without, you know, marauding?
"I can't do it," James breathed, his voice just as frantic from the other side of the door. "I can't do it, Pads!"
"Open the bloody door, you idiot," Sirius shouted, knocking his shoulder against it in hopes it would open.
Remus approached, "Why can't you do it, Prongs?"
"Because!"
"'Because' isn't an answer, James," Remus said. "Would you open the door?"
"He didn't open the door for me, and I'm the best bloody man," Sirius hissed, fumbling with the knob. "I doubt he'll—"
The door swung open, pulling Sirius as it did till he fell to the floor. James, looking an utter disaster, eyes Remus from behind his fogged glasses.
"Because I'm a wreck," he cried. "How could Lily marry someone like me?"
Remus began fixing James' suit, adjusting the tie and the cuffs just like Hope Lupin had done for his graduation.
"Trust me," he smiled, "the answer is beyond me, but that's what makes this so special! Out of everyone, she chose the wreck. Which means she loves the wreck."
"But why does she love the wreck," James threw his hands above his head, not noticing the subtle glare from Remus. "I was seventeen when I learned what a damn cinema was!"
"Hey, now," Sirius said, brushing the dirt from his suit. "To be fair, we had a disadvantage."
"It doesn't matter," James said. "She's so smart – knows everything about anything I ask her. Math, science, astronomy, economics, Muggles – you name it, she knows it. And then there's me. All I know is Quidditch and takeout."
"Oh yeah?" Sirius countered. "What's Lily's favorite color?"
James eyed him, looking baffled – insulted almost – that he would ask such a question.
"Yellow."
"And what's her favorite takeout order," Remus continued, managing the storm of curly, dark hair that had somehow ended up even more tangled than when he entered the bathroom.
"You should know this," James said. "Chicken Tikka Masala. She gets it like three times a week!"
"What's her favorite song," Sirius asked.
"Lay All Your Love on Me," James was beginning to calm himself. "She always plays it after Sirius leaves. Says I give you all my attention when you visit."
They all laughed; Lily wasn't the jealous type, but she was quick with a joke. That's what James loved about her. She valued his freedom just as much as her own. Remus knew there were a million question he could ask about Lily, from her favorite television show down to which perfume she liked the best. James would know each and every answer.
"You might not know all the Muggle bullshit," Remus said. "You might not know how taxes work or how to pump gas in a car."
"I tried!"
"You did, chap," Sirius clapped a comforting hand on his mate's back.
"But you know what matters, and that's how to love Lily the way she deserves," Remus finally said. "You're good to her, and you're good for her. That's all someone could ask for."
James smiled wryly, the whites in his eyes turning a light shade of pink as he held back tears. Oh, he was an oversized toddler in so many ways; he would cry for anything.
"I suppose she's good for me too," he admitted, breaking out into that award-winning grin.
"Best thing that ever happened to us," Remus declared, just adding a few touches to his friend's appearance. "Without Lily, I'd be surprised if you could manage to live on your own."
"Oi! I'd be perfectly fine!"
Sirius deadpanned, "You barely knew how to use the telephone to order takeaway."
James pouted for the remainder of the hour, not bothering to feed into Sirius' taunting or Remus' jesting. It was all in good fun; sometimes it was best to leave James to his own thoughts. He was the only one capable of steeling his nerves on such a big day. They'd all been looking forward to this wedding, even through the dramatics that come with love and war.
Remus considered it a wonderful change in pace. The repeating cycle of his life – the never-ending circle that became his daily routine – was driving him mad. Besides, being with them all, even the Order members who clearly didn't trust him, gave him a sense of normality in the strangest of ways. Despite knowing that things would never go back to the way they were, knowing that his place in the Order was done for good, he felt as if, for the day, he could slip back into the old days.
And that was enough.
For the moment, at any rate.
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Remus didn't frequently cry. He wept and he sniffled; there'd been a few films that managed to pull a teary sigh or a dejected groan out of him. He shed tears when he and Sirius argued, or when someone died. To put it simply, he cried when bad things happened. And boy were they happening more often than not.
Yet, to see Lily in that beautiful dress she'd made herself, the smile on her face beaming through the gloomy winter evening, and that lovely bouquet a certain close friend grew just for her – it was uplifting. To see James, sparks in his eyes that had been doused by the war and loss, and reduced to tears at the first sight of Lily down the aisle, was breathtaking.
So, when he cried at such a joyful sight, something so beautiful, he was left mystified.
Perhaps it was because when James cried, everyone cried. Or maybe it was because Lily, the true crybaby of their little group, held herself together long enough to make it to the alter before she broke into the cheeriest grin Remus had ever come across.
Maybe it was all that combined with the knowledge that the little bump beneath the fabric of her dress had grown even after a few weeks with a little baby in there. This was all for her; yes, Remus had decided it would be a girl. If they had one more boy in the ranks, he'd shoot his own foot. She was small and fragile, probably kicking around with glee just as he was in his seat. James didn't know yet, and neither did Sirius, but Remus knew both of them would be ecstatic - overjoyed.
The priest (Lily requested a Muggle wedding) smiled as he eyed the newlyweds.
"To make your relationship work will take love," he said. "Continue to court one another. Take time to show each other that your love and marriage grows stronger with time. It will take trust to know that in your hearts, you truly want what is best for each other. It will take dedication to stay open to one another—and to learn and grow together. It will take loyalty to go forward together, without knowing exactly what the future brings. And it will take commitment to hold true to the journey you have both pledged today."
Sirius leaned over as the priest continued his rambling, "Did Pettigrew ever show?"
Remus, startled by the interjection, managed to tear his eyes away from the alter long enough to catch the glare directed at the empty chair beside them.
"No," he growled. "As to be expected."
"Arse," Sirius spat. "He at least owed them this much after all he's –"
"Sh!"
Euphemia leaned over, swatting Sirius across the shoulder with her program. Sirius flinched, settling back down in his seat with a grimace to face all grimaces. He was pouting, of course, but the delight from the wedding soon replaced their anger.
Still, Remus couldn't help but note the disdain for Peter in Sirius' eyes. Of course, Sirius had never been Peter's number one fan, and the same goes vice versa. Nevertheless, there'd never been so much scorn. So much bitter hatred in his eyes. It disconcerted Remus and left him with more questions than he'd hoped to have on such a day.
He would question Sirius later.
"The bride and groom have each prepared vows that they will read now."
Lily began first, "James. I've known you since the autumn of 1971, and not a day goes by when I'm not utterly astonished by the things you do."
Remus couldn't mistake the mischief in her voice and smiled.
"Year one," she cleared her throat proudly. "You managed to take away one hundred house points for spiking the morning breakfast with Polyjuice Potion."
"Oh no," Sirius breathed.
"But not with human hair! No, no! With the hair of the house mascots," she declared, earning a chorus of laughter from the attendees, even Sirius. "It took Madame Pomfrey thirty-six hours to turn all three hundred of us back to normal."
Sirius elbowed an old uncle of James' in the ribs, "It's true."
"Year two, you somehow performed a Sloth Grip Roll during a Quidditch match with only your legs locked around your broom," she said. "I thought you were going to break your neck."
"I nearly did," James snickered, dabbing the corners of his eyes with his blazer cuff.
"Year three, you countered my Engorgio hex on your glasses during Potions."
"That was you," James shrieked.
"She was your partner in crime," Sirius gasped, an utterly affronted, incredulous look on his face as he whirled in Remus' direction.
"Be quiet," Remus hissed, too absorbed in the vows to give a hoot about anything else.
"Year four, you got the Gargoyles in the viaduct courtyard to sing me an invitation to Hogsmeade," she said, the glassiness returning to her eyes. "They wouldn't shut the hell up till I said yes.
"Year six, you asked me to be your girlfriend in the middle of a History of Magic lesson and in year seven, you made me realize just how much I loved you after comforting me in my time of need," she said. "It was the night before our NEWT exams, and you were so exhausted… yet you came to my rescue like the knight in shining armor you are."
Remus found his lip trembling; Sirius laid a comforting hand on his knee. On instinct, Remus placed his hand atop Sirius'.
"Every year, you give me something else to be amazed by," she continued. "And I am very thankful that you and your band of idiots, however annoying you may be, stumbled into my life. I love you with all my heart, James Fleamont Potter."
The small crowd gave a little round of applause, the Prewitt Brothers whistling wildly from the back. Euphemia, who'd never been very fond of Lily, even clapped.
Remus could identify James' nerves from a mile away as he fumbled with the parchment his vows were scribbled on. If there'd ever been a moment for his confidence, it would be now. Remus had faith that he'd pull through; somehow, both he and Sirius always did, and there was no doubt in his mind he'd fail now.
"Lily," James said, a light crackle in his voice. He was holding back tears. "I solemnly swear…"
His eyes rested on Lily lovingly.
"I solemnly swear that I, James Potter, will wake you up every Christmas morning like the ten-year-old you swear I am. I swear that I will learn how to fill up the gas tank, and maybe I'll learn how to drive on the correct side of the road. I swear that I will always make your favorite chicken curry on Tuesday nights, and I swear that I will make your coffee in the morning just how you like it. I will paint our living room yellow, just how you want it, as long as I'm allowed to hang Padfoot's portrait of you in our bedroom."
Remus couldn't help but laugh along with the crowd, patting Sirius' hand in delight.
"But most of all, Lily Pad," he whimpered. "I swear to love you even beyond my dying breath. Even beyond your own dying breath. I solemnly swear to love you and stay with you until the very end."
The crowd burst into cheers, Euphemia and even the lanky Mrs. Evans sharing joyful comments with one another. Remus smiled at James, reassuring him that he had, in fact, done a beautiful job. The hardest part was over; it would be smooth sailing from there.
"By the power vested in me," the priest called, "I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Potter! You may kiss the bride."
As Lily and James embraced each other, Remus could only barely make out the murmur of Sirius beneath the roar of the ceremony guests.
"Mischief managed."
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Just as expected, the reception following the marriage of Lily and James was eventful and rather colorful. With only Lily's direct family in attendance (those who knew of her magical abilities), the Potter's had much more wriggle room in terms of celebrations. As far as they went, Euphemia and Fleamont refused to hold back.
It had been Remus and Sirius' job to get the cake that morning. However, since they'd woken up three hours past their designated time, only Edgar and Marlene had time to stop by the shop. Edgar and Marlene being Edgar and Marlene just so happened to pick up the wrong cake at the wrong shop in Diagon Alley, leading to a handful of fairies roaming in front of reflective surfaces scattered along the Potter's residence. The cake itself was beautiful, but most likely meant for a child's birthday party.
Lily was far too absorbed in dancing with James and Sirius to mind, really, and James didn't care what was on the cake so long as it tasted scrumptious. Remus was left boggled about the mix up, but three drinks later and a plate full of food soon distracted him.
The party was at its finest; couples and families were mingling with one another. Mrs. Evans and Mrs. Potter were practically conjoined at the hip, laughing and chattering away with one another like schoolgirls. Fleamont, a man whom Remus found difficult to be around under their conditions, was letting loose; the first three buttons of his shirt had been unbuttoned as he danced! Junior members of the Orders drank and feasted, finally having something to take away from the gloominess of the war and Benjy's death.
Remus almost forgot about all the bad that seemed to follow them.
Almost.
Sirius entered the throng of dancers, tapping a fork against his whiskey glass – yes, a whiskey glass because he demanded something stronger than champagne.
"Attention, everyone," he called.
The crowd of people dispersed to the dining table, fingers reaching for desserts and treats Euphemia had made just for the occasion.
"I'd, erm," Sirius bungled over his own tongue. His eyes flitted over Remus; the latter felt himself blush beneath his stare.
Damn it. After all this time, Sirius still managed to ignite the buried kindling in Remus' heart. Remus nodded at him, assuring him and instilling the courage he needed to make a speech. Sirius wasn't one for scripted announcements; he could capture the room with his rambling, but this was too important to natter away like a child.
Sirius prompted himself with his parchment, "I'd like to say a few things to the bride and groom, if I'm allowed?"
Lily beamed, holding James' now ring clad hand in her own.
"I'll start off by telling everyone, I was dragged here against my own will," he began. The guests chuckled at his dramatics. "And I don't mean to the wedding. Well, yes I do. I was roused awake by the large man in the front at ten in the morning when I intended to sleep in." Remus shook his head, stifling the giggle beneath a breath of excitement. "But, truly, I mean across the journey that Lily and James have embarked on together. It's lasted most of my academic career and for the entirety of my adulthood thus far."
James laughed loudly, knowing just how true Sirius' words were. He was doing wonderfully, Remus noted.
"It began after Lily hexed his eyebrows off. From that moment onward, he was smitten with the only person who dared look at him as an equal rather than a God. Besides me and Moony, of course."
Remus raised his glass, cheeks hot as James shouted in glee.
"It proceeded to last for seven more years and counting," Sirius paced the ballroom floor, taking nonchalant sips from his glass to clear the air. "From singing gargoyles to love notes under the dormitory door. I once walked in on Prongs trying to lay down that tumbleweed upon his fat head."
"He's got a point," Lily countered, nudging her husband in the ribs as he resorted to pouting.
"All this to say," Sirius stopped, staring at the couple with fond eyes, "that this journey has brought joy into the lives of everyone in this room. Did I dislike her for being a friend-stealing-heathen? Of course. What brother wouldn't?"
"Oh God," Remus rolled his eyes.
It'd been ages since he'd seen Sirius so laid back, so calm and tentative with his words. It was sometimes difficult to return to those times he spoke of – the marauding and cavorting without a care in the world. Hopelessly in love with someone else and on top of the world. The way he said it all – the way he formulated it – made being in love sound so easy.
Nonetheless, as Remus stared longingly at Sirius' back just wishing that things could be simple once again, he realized it wasn't. For his journey was painfully beaten with thorns and jagged truths. Time and time again, he found that not just being in love with a man like Sirius, but loving him unconditionally, was only a journey rooted in suffering.
In an act of selfishness, he allowed himself to envy James and Lily – only for a second. To look at them, beaming as any newlyweds should, laughing carelessly and stealing endearing kisses behind the backs of guests, made Remus sick. Because that had once been him, and fate would have it that it would never be so again.
"However," Sirius sighed, "I've come to realize that these two come as a package. A two-in-one bundle as the Muggle shops would call them. You can't have one without the other, not unless you want a missing piece to the puzzle. So, I daresay I've decided that you, Lily Pads, have been the best addition to the Marauders since Moony, and that was eons ago. Thank you, darling, for putting up with our mischief and schemes."
"Any day, any hour," she said, raising her glass.
"A toast," Remus called, joining Sirius in front of the couple. "To Messrs. Prongs and Lily Pad."
The crowd joined, "To Messrs. Prongs and Lily Pad."
As the guests gave a round of applause, Remus leaned over, "That was lovely, Sirius."
"Thank you, Mr. Lupin," Sirius' cheeks grew hot and pink beneath Remus' gaze.
"Mr. Lupin is my father," Remus jested. "Call me Rem."
"Well then, Rem," Sirius quipped, though no malice was lacing his tone, "would it be possible to speak to you, alone." He must've caught the tenseness in Remus' shoulders, the apprehension in his eyes. Remus didn't want to go down this road again, but Sirius was quick to catch himself. "It isn't about… It isn't about us."
Remus didn't admit to himself that it was a bit of a disappointment. While he hadn't wanted to talk about whatever it was they were – if they were anything at all – it was a shame. Talks with Lily were one thing; they were calm and balanced with another informed party that made things all make sense. But the only way he'd ever gain closure would be talking to Sirius himself. If he ever allowed himself to become vulnerable.
"Alright," Remus murmured. "Let's go to –"
"My bedroom," Sirius finished. "And before you get any ideas, I have special protections in my room to keep from any eavesdropping."
Which made complete sense when put into perspective of their predicament. Remus followed dumbly, motioning for the music to start back up. Their absence would be noticed after a short while, but at least the dancing and mingling of guests would disguise the missing members.
Remus hadn't visited Sirius' room since 1974. It was a sacred place; it was Sirius' place. Not many were allowed in. Living at Grimmauld Place meant little to no privacy, and Remus understood boundaries well enough to know that Sirius was protective of the first room of his very own.
Still, nothing prepared him for the memories that smashed into his conscience upon entrance. The posters and the artwork, the old records and broomsticks – it was like something from an old memory. One could describe it as strange, almost unreal being back, but Remus could only find one word raking his mind: nostalgic.
It reminded him of better times, really. Times when this – the contents of the room – were all they had to worry about. There were stray textbooks sprawled across the desk and an old essay he'd never finished. His cauldron, half beaten to death, was still in the corner and smelled heavily of that shampoo Sirius couldn't go a week without. They really were miles away from who they used to be.
It was almost depressing.
Remus shook those thoughts from his brain, focusing on Sirius, "So, what's going on?"
Without warning, Sirius spun on his heels, launching into Remus' chest like a bat out of hell.
"I'm sorry, Moony," he cried. "I know I said it wasn't about us, and I really meant it downstairs, b-but it's been months since we've talked and all I've ever wanted you to know is that I'm sorry!"
Remus, startled, could only sputter in confusion. His feelings began to jumble, what his heart wanted and what his brain knew was better fogging amongst one another.
"Sirius, I—"
"I don't expect you to take me back, and that's not what I'm here to ask of you," Sirius continued, too busy rambling as he does best to hear Remus' protests. "I'm here to tell you that the greatest mistake I've ever made was lying to you. I hurt you badly, I know, and I'm here to take full responsibility for it. I made the decision, and I'll live with the consequences –"
"Sirius!"
"But I can't stand us being worlds apart anymore. I can't do it. I can't do this alone. I'm at my wits end with Regulus and the case, with finding out the truth! You're the only semblance of balance in my life, and I'm going crazy without you."
"Sirius, listen to me."
Sirius pulled away, fierce determination in those milky eyes, "Let me finish, Moony, this is important."
He'd never made such a clear, remorseful demand, and Remus found himself so stunned he fell silent. Remus nodded.
"I won't force you to come back to me," Sirius said calmly, wiping the tears from his eyes. "I won't force you to forgive me for lying. I made a promise to be better, and I wasn't, I know this. But what I need is help, and you're all I've got right now… So… So – just – Moony, please. I need you right now. But I understand if you can't or won't. I'll respect it."
It took a moment to grasp all that Sirius said because, damn it, he said a lot. He apologized, for starters, and that was the beginning of progress. He'd taken responsibility for lying, just as Lily and James had. He'd opened himself up in ways not even Remus could at the moment; it was peculiar seeing him at his most exposed. Sirius never exposed himself.
But how many times had they been at this crossroads? How many apologies had been exchanged, how many promises broken? Remus had once believed that Sirius could drag him through hell or high waters, and he'd love him regardless; that was still true. However, to be with Sirius the way they'd once been? It seemed impossible now.
"I don't know what to say, Sirius," he finally said. "You hurt me, like you said. You lied to me."
"I know I did," Sirius nodded, letting go of Remus' waist and taking cautious steps away. His defense mechanisms were on the move. "I don't blame you for being angry; you've every right."
"Why," Remus asked. "Why would you do that?"
Sirius looked down at his shoes, "Your father. He told us he'd take you away from the Order. Said you wouldn't be able to handle the loss."
Of course. Lyall always sticking his nose where it didn't belong. It didn't excuse his friends for their actions, but, just as Lily's explanation had done, the waters were being cleared of debris. The realization was starting to crumble on top of him. This wasn't just them. It was so many other components that created an elaborate scheme, and someone else was pulling the puppet strings. Anyway, he had to admit that if Fleamont threatened to take away Sirius, he would lie in a heartbeat.
"My father doesn't know me the way you all do," Remus finally spoke. "I'll help you."
Sirius' eyes lit up with excitement – the same fire that had once burned years ago eating away at the heartbreak and rugged weight of burden.
"But that doesn't mean –"
"I know," Sirius interrupted him swiftly, arms raised in surrender. "I respect your decision."
Remus nodded solemnly. He wished it weren't so – wished that things could be different. But time and time again, they proved to one another they'd always be like gasoline and a match; destructive and dangerous when combined. That self-realization didn't make it anymore comforting or bearable, and Remus knew that the ache in his heart would reside evermore whenever he looked Sirius' direction.
But he loved him, and when you love someone, you make sacrifices.
Remus made a move to exit, not wanting to pull any more strings and stiffen what was already tense, but Sirius held him back.
"There's something else," he whispered.
Remus turned, carefully examining Sirius' features.
Sirius' voice was quiet, full of that bitter hatred from the ceremony, "Peter's the traitor."
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WELL, WELL, WELL! LOOK WHAT WE HAVE HERE. It might not be the romantic Wolfstar we all know and love, but don't we just knowthat the two of them are going to drift back together.
The question I must ask you is this:
Will they destroy each other this time around? There's only so much gasoline and only so much of a match left after all these years, after all this heart ache. Will Remus allow his walls to lower? Will Sirius truly respect boundaries?
Time will tell.
Perhaps exposing Peter will be good for the group. Perhaps learning about the baby will lighten the mood? Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I'll be honest, I was going to end book one right here, but there are some things we need to get in order. I suspect two or three more chapters, and the end will be here. Maybe I'll get them done… tonight? I definitely will before I have work, so. Be prepared!
Hope you enjoyed this longer chapter. Much love to all of you. Please comment and review; it really helps me figure out where I need to improve and what you all like.
Until the very end,
Nic.
