Chapter 61.
An hour later, they stretched out on the beds once more. They had each given their talisman to Sarah, who sat between the beds, holding them. "You're sure you can take this?" said Dean to Cas.
"Yes. You?" said Cas.
"Yeah." said Dean.
"Be careful." said Sarah, "Be ready for things from either mind to ambush you. Stay in control and take care of each other."
"If everything stays safe, we'll try to change our surroundings a little." he said. He looked at Cas. "And if it doesn't ... If it gets too much for you, leave right away. Just get out and I'll follow."
"If one leaves early, the construct may not hold." said Cas.
"If it fails, I'll be in my own mind. It's not dangerous to me." said Dean.
Cas lay back and closed his eyes. Dean did the same. He heard Sam say, "Good luck."
Bobby's library looked the same as last time. Dean could see the relief on Cas's face. "Looks okay, doesn't it?" he said.
Cas nodded. "Yes, it looks fine."
"Let's start slow. I'll secure the perimeter." He focused for a moment on the walls and the door and window to the outside disappeared.
"You know that doesn't prevent anything from getting in, don't you?" said Cas.
"It stops either of us from bringing something in or going out there." said Dean.
"You mean me." said Cas.
"Yeah. We've got plenty going on in here. We don't need any kid versions of me coming in to stir things up."
"What's out there is only what's in here." said Cas.
"I know, but a lot of it is on lockdown in here. Out there, it's wild. It's loose." Dean saw a pile of books on the desk. "What are these? Were they here last night?"
Cas glanced at them, then took a step back. "Ignore them." he said. He looked pale, even ill.
Dean steered him to the couch. "Sit down. Breathe for a while."
"I'm fine." said Cas, but a whisper ran around the walls, "Broken, worthless, weak!" in Cas's voice.
"No, you're not." said Dean, "You need to focus."
"Traitor, liar, murderer, blasphemer!" said the voice that skirted the walls.
"Cas, you are none of those things." said Dean.
Cas lowered his head, sagging forward.
Dean put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "It's okay, buddy. We just need to shut that bastard up. That is not you!" He closed his eyes for a moment and concentrated on the voice, forcing the whisper lower and lower until it was barely audible. Then he summoned music. He wasn't even sure how he did it, but Rock and Roll Never Forgets was suddenly blasting from the walls.
Slowly, Castiel raised his head.
"You okay?" said Dean.
"I'm fine." said Cas again, "That music is terrible."
"Yeah, well, I'm gonna let that go, because you're sick."
"I'm not sick." said Cas.
Dean looked at the books on the desk again. The top one was entitled "Promises Broken". Below it was, "The Disappointed" and then, "Order's Disobeyed". Dean sighed. "This your guilt pile?" The music dropped in volume.
"Okay, not looking at the books anymore. Let's talk about something else. Think of something that makes you feel good. Think of Jules."
A cry came from the walls, shouting, "Never!"
"Not Jules." said Dean, angry with himself for being so stupid, "Cas, we've struggled with this before, haven't we? There has to be one thing in your life that makes you truly happy."
Outside, he heard the sweet, familiar music of the Impala's engine and the sound of the driver's door opening and closing. "The kid again?" said Dean.
"You got rid of the door." said Cas.
"You really want that kid in here?"
"It's not him." said Cas, "It's you, bringing me ice cream because you didn't want to leave me out just because I didn't want a burger."
"Oh." said Dean.
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" said Dean, "You know none of this is your fault."
"I know you hate this stuff. You want me to pretend I don't know what the ice cream is. You want me to shut up and stop making you something you don't want to be."
"And what don't I want to be?" said Dean.
"You don't want to be anyone's reason for living, least of all mine." said Cas.
Another book appeared on top of the pile, "Failing Dean."
"Stop that!" said Dean.
"I'm not doing it." said Cas.
"Yes you are!" said Dean. He picked up the book and threw it into the fire, where it crackled in the flames. The acrid smell of burning leather filled the room. "You never failed me, dumbass!"
"Dumbass!" shouted the walls.
"No, no, no!" said Dean, "You are not using my words against him!" But he had called Cas a dumbass and what shouted from the walls was the part Cas heard. He repeated the other part, "You never failed me!"
"I broke Sam's mind."
"You saved him from Hell."
"Leaving his soul behind." said Cas.
The music got louder as Dean took back control of the room. "Cas, you're my brother. You never failed me."
"Even you think I failed you. You have a list in your head as long as mine." said Cas.
"No, I don't." said Dean, knowing he had that kind of list for everyone in his life.
"Why lie?" said Cas.
"Because that's what you do when your best friend is in pain because he doesn't know that resentment and grudges and anger don't mean a thing about him." said Dean.
The music died and the walls began to chant, "Hester, Balthazar, Daniel, Hael, Samandriel, Rachel ... "
"Shut up!" said Dean.
"The list will go on for some time." said Cas, "It always does. It's a long list." The names got louder.
Dean covered Cas's ears. "You can't listen to this crap!"
Cas looked at him with weary, pitying eyes. "Do you think it ever falls silent?"
"Stop listening to it!" said Dean, "Find something, anything, to distract you."
Loud music took over again, this time the 1812 Overture.
"That's good!" said Dean, uncovering Cas's ears, "That's great! Now, think about Sarah. Think about the bees."
Cas closed his eyes. He seemed a little more at peace after a moment or two. "Thankyou." he said, "That helped."
"Tell me about the bees." said Dean, "How is it that they can help you like that?"
"Bees have no doubt." said Cas, "They know their work and they do it. They are at peace with their purpose, as I was created to be. They find joy in it, as I used to do. Well, not joy as you experience it. Angelic joy is not as passionate and intense as human joy, but it lasts longer and ... " He put his head in his hands. "I tried for something more and each time, I destroyed what I had and I still haven't managed to learn the lesson."
"That you don't get to feel the good stuff, because you're just an angel?"
"Yes."
"That's not true. You feel more than any other angel ever did. You've grown beyond what you were."
"Then what am I now? Not human, not angel, nothing and no-one and everyone wishes I didn't exist."
"I don't." said Dean, "Nobody in the bunker does. Sarah doesn't."
"I don't exist, do I?" said Cas.
"Yes, you do." said Dean, "Of course you do."
"Then what am I?"
Dean gripped his shoulder firmly. "Look at me!" Cas looked up and Dean said, "You're Castiel. Still an angel, but so much more. More than human, too. You're the one who pulled me out of Hell. You're the one who always, always has my back. I don't deserve you. I can't deserve you. I'm everything you accuse yourself of and worse. You have no soul and mine is dark beyond redemption and somehow, together, we sorta seem to have some kind of soul that keeps a little glow of light and yeah, a reason for living."
"Sometimes I lie on my bed all night with one question echoing in my head. What am I?"
"You're Castiel." said Dean, "You're Cas. You're my salvation, my faith, my friend. The best friend I have."
"I never saved you. You saved me." said Cas.
"That's what friends do. They save each other, over and over. I also happen to be the reason you're so screwed in the head."
"No. That isn't true." said Cas.
"It is true. Embrace it. You're one of the friends Dean Winchester destroyed."
"No." said Cas.
"Well, you look pretty destroyed to me." said Dean, "But you're the friend I'm gonna fix. You're the one that matters most." He knew he was slipping into danger himself. He could feel the pressure of a lifetime of guilt trying to force its way in, but he needed to distract Cas from his own guilt and that might require a degree of sacrifice on his part.
