Some eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that I've set the total number of chapters for HOTP at 50. Don't worry, that doesn't mean it'll end there! (How would I even MANAGE that?) In order to make it a little more manageable and a little less scary to look at, I'm dividing HOTP into four parts, which also helps me gauge how long it'll eventually be.
The second part will be called DOG OF THE EMPIRE, and once I get there, I'll make sure they're threaded into a series so you can't miss 'em.
TW: misgendering, deadnaming, dysphoria, transphobia, mental illness/ableism
Special extra TW note: HOTP has always dealt with transness but usually in the background or in the reactions to Will's way of dressing. This is the first chapter in which it takes a front row seat, and the scene (first one of the chapter) may be distressing for fellow trans people, particularly transmasc folks.
Song is by Of Monsters and Men.
~39~
And I should eat you up and spit you right out
I should not care but I don't know how
So I take off my face
Because it reminds me how it all went wrong
-Organs
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
Alex didn't sense opening his eyes – he didn't have eyes to open. Reality simply reasserted itself in front of him – where there had been void, there was white. Where there had been emptiness, there was a set of stone doors, the engravings on them as detailed as they were old. And where there had been nothing, there was –
ME.
Alex wondered if he'd lost the ability to feel fear. No, clearly he hadn't; only a day prior he'd been terrified for his brother's life. But standing here, dwarfed by the massive structure in front of him, he couldn't feel anything but fascination and a sense that this had, at some point, been inevitable. Maybe he just couldn't feel fear for himself, anymore.
Maybe some part of his mind had remembered this all along.
"…This is a surprise," he said to the Gate. He didn't turn around.
IS IT, REALLY?
"Well, sort of. I expected this a lot sooner, actually. Isn't there something about how repressed memories always come back?"
OH, ALEX, ALEX, ALEX. YOU THINK THIS IS A MEMORY?
"You can try to intimidate me all you want. My body doesn't really do panic responses."
HOW ABOUT YOU TURN AROUND AND FACE ME THEN, COWARD?
Alex slowly, carefully, turned around. Even though his body still moved the way he'd gotten used to, he realized, it was a good deal bigger here. Perhaps to compensate for the fact that only humans went through the Gate; something as small as him wasn't built for this place.
Across the white void (tinged with gold at the sides, like an early sunset) stood another Gate, the twin of the one he'd been staring at. And in front of it, a figure sat that he almost didn't recognize. It wasn't until it stood and turned to face him that Alex recoiled, the reaction automatic even though it shouldn't have been. The mind was only a plaything of the body when you had one, the logic went, and yet he still staggered backwards.
YOU ARE ONLY A PROJECTION HERE, said the body with an amused noise. NO WOOD TO PROTECT YOU. IN FACT, YOU ARE NOT MADE OF WOOD AT ALL.
Then why, thought Alex, did he still look down at himself and see the ball joints, the empty nubs of hands and feet, the strings of yarn over his shoulder?
He wasn't just bigger. He had the proportions of an actual person in here. He had knees, and for god's sakes, who ever knew you could miss knees?
But the Gatekeeper – Truth, Gate, whatever it was really called – had raised a good point. Why was he still made of wood?
Well, he knew the answer to that one. He stared across the empty hall at the body once more. The dark brown hair, too long to be comfortable, too thick to brush without pain; the hazel eyes that shimmered gold and green and brown but were ringed with eyelashes he'd always hated. The soft face, the gentle mouth.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU DON'T WANT THIS BACK? The Gatekeeper grinned with its borrowed lips.
If he'd taken Will's word for it, Alex would have taken it as a taunt. But Alex knew his brother too well for that; to Will, everything was a taunt, a sling at his ego. That he didn't hold against him – he'd always been that way, sensitive to insults, eager to fire back some of his own. Besides, it was a fair question.
"Not as much as you'd think," he admitted. "Although this one isn't much of an upgrade."
ISN'T MUCH OF ONE? WELL, WELL. THAT'S A FIRST. The Gatekeeper scratched its chin – Alex stubbornly refused to think of it as his – thoughtfully. USUALLY WE HEAR THAT FROM THE FOOLS WHO BIND THEMSELVES TO ARMOUR, OR STATUES OF GODS.
"Oh, what, some people do this on purpose?"
The Gatekeeper laughed. THERE'S NO ACCOUNTING FOR STUPIDITY IN THE MINDS OF MORTALS. MANY END UP HERE ON THEIR SEARCH FOR IMMORTALITY. FEW LEAVE.
"So I'm guessing that whole Philosopher's Stone elixir-of-life thing is not true."
DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT. YOU DON'T WANT YOUR BODY BACK. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Alex noted that the Gatekeeper hadn't confirmed one way or another. "…I don't know."
The room rumbled. UH OH, the Gatekeeper commented airily. THAT SOUNDED LIKE A LIE.
"I don't know."
Suddenly the body (he remembered seeing that face in the mirror) was right next to him, leaning on his shoulder, grinning at him with a devil's smile. I MEAN, YOU'RE MISSING OUT. AND HOW NICE THAT YOUR BROTHER WANTS TO BRING THIS HOME. SURE, IT'S MISSING A FEW YEARS. YOU DON'T MIND A LATE PUBERTY, DO YOU-
"Shut UP!" The outburst surprised him – even more so when he realized it had come from his mouth. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! I want to go home!" It was petulant and stupid, but he stamped his foot, the ball of impotent rage that had been gathered in his chest for so long finally finding an outlet. "I don't care about that stupid girl's body! I'd rather be a- a- dog or a cat or be someone else entirely- than take that awful thing back!"
OR BE A DOLL THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
Alex didn't have an answer to that. The thought of being this, forever – He couldn't face it.
But neither could he face the return of the gut-wrenching sickness he felt every time he looked at the face that wasn't his. It was almost his. But not quite.
"What do you get out of this, huh? I thought you were some sort of balancer of the scales," Alex spat. "I don't need you rubbing it in!"
The Gatekeeper had returned to its spot in front of the opposing Gate. OH, I CAN TELL YOU DON'T REMEMBER, it mused, smiling. THE GATE SERVES AS HUMANITY'S SCALES. WE ARE SIMPLY ITS CHILDREN.
"What does that mean?"
It sighed. WELL, CURRENTLY, IT MEANS YOU'RE A TERRIBLE INFLUENCE ON ME. LISTEN TO ME. ONE FIVE MINUTE CONVERSATION AND I'M USING CONTRACTIONS.
"You didn't answer my question," Alex complained.
SHAME, it said. TIME'S UP. OH, BY THE WAY, SINCE YOU WANTED THAT MEMORY SO BADLY –
Alex expected to wake up. Instead, the world went purple, and memory rushed back, more than he could handle, more than he could ever fit into his head,
too much, too much, too much, and he was on the brink of understanding….
….something, everything, the universe, the speck of sand –
-such a good girl-
M O M
"Alex. Alex. Alex!"
Once again, reality reasserted; this time with streaks of green and bright gold eyes. It took Alex a moment for things to click into place – he hadn't been so much as unconscious for way, way too long.
"I see you're back to your usual self," he commented.
"Oh thank god," Will exhaled, sitting up and sweeping a few strands of once-again-dyed hair out of his face. "The fuckers got away. I'm just glad you're safe."
Alex blinked upwards at the mountain that was Armstrong from this perspective. Being this small was bad enough without giants towering over you. "We're… back on the train?"
"Yeah." Will shot a bitter look at Armstrong. "Apparently getting us home in one piece is more important." The bitterness dropped from his gaze as he continued. "And, uh, the Major needs somebody to look at his head wound."
"I told you, W- Fullmetal, I'm fine," Armstrong protested. "I've had worse."
"I don't care if you've had worse," Selim shot back, "I am not a good enough medic to handle this in more than an emergency capacity. We're pulling into Central Station in fifteen minutes, and then you are going to check yourself into the hospital, asap!"
"You're so cute when you're being all military," Will teased.
"I was literally raised by a- you know what, just shut up."
"How long was I out?" Alex asked, then noted, "Long enough for Selim to braid your hair, I see."
Will rolled his eyes. "I hate doing it myself, and it keeps it out of the way." Alex didn't miss the slight blush, or the way his fingers flew to the braided side of his hair.
"You could try cutting it."
"Not in a million years. Also, you were out for a few hours." Will was trying not to sound concerned, but Alex could hear it in his voice anyway.
For a moment, Alex considered telling him about the Gatekeeper, and the strange thieves before that.
-you don't want your body back, what do you want?-
My master has an offer for you.
"Weird," he just said finally. "I tried to alchemize my way out of the briefcase. Maybe it reacted with the Red Stones."
"Christ," Will swore under his breath.
"I guess I owe the Major an apology, huh?" He'd said it almost too brightly, he realized, but Armstrong still started, smiling slightly and crinkling his mustache.
"No apology necessary. I should have been much clearer. Although –" His face dropped. "That many Red Stones, in the hands of god knows who. That doesn't bode well."
"You keep calling them Red Stones," Will frowned. "Not Philosopher's Stones. Are they not…"
"It's complicated," he sighed. "The most accurate term is probably incomplete Philosopher's Stones. The rest I would rather leave to Solaris, if it's all the same to you."
"Not particularly, but I'm-" Will hesitated, then got to his feet. "Looks like we're pulling into the station anyway. Selim, can you take Alex?"
"Yeah, sure. Sorry, Alex, pocket for now. My hair's too short to hide in."
Alex kept an eye on his brother as Selim opened the compartment door, as Will leaned in and mumbled to Armstrong. He could read lips well enough – he'd had to learn – and he caught Will's quiet words, I'm sorry. Glad you're alright.
Of course, Armstrong responded by pulling Will into a giant bear hug, and Alex chuckled as Will's complaining followed him out onto the platform. Maybe Will did learn, after all.
But that just made things harder.
Diana greeted Will on the platform, unable to hide the quirk of her eyebrow as he strode out with freshly-braided hair and shiny new automail. "The prodigal son returns. In one piece this time and everything."
"Not for lack of trying," he shot back. "You went and got promoted when I wasn't looking."
"That's most of the time, Fullmetal."
"Shut up." Despite their tense conversation on the phone, he actually seemed happy to see her. Diana wouldn't ever admit it, but it was kind of sweet. It was why she'd made a point of meeting him –
-that, and the quick telegram from Armstrong had informed her that making an appearance would probably be a good idea.
Will crossed his arms, scowling at her although the good humour didn't quite leave him. "So whose idea was the syringe of morphine?"
Ah. The telegram hadn't mentioned details. Mostly because sedating a fellow officer was technically grounds for a court-martial. Diana just hoped Will didn't know that. "It was a… mutual decision."
"Mutual my ass. Next time I'll break the needle and stick it in your eyes."
"Now that sounds more like y-" She stopped as Armstrong stepped out of the train. He was bleeding. And he didn't have the briefcase. She dropped her voice urgently. "Tell me you didn't get stopped."
"Um."
"Tell me you hid them somewhere, Fullmetal," she hissed.
His face told her everything. So that was why he'd been buttering her up with the promotion comment. The fucking- So much for that.
"You still have to fill me in."
"Not here, not now."
"Oh, great-"
"There's still a serial killer on the loose, Fullmetal. My hands are occupied. But follow what leads you have and – oh, yes." She walked to the back of the station, where her two latest recruits waited patiently. Well, one of them was waiting patiently. The other was scribbling what she could only guess was some bizarre doodle of her.
She leaned over his shoulder. "I'll have you know," she purred, "I'm definitely a D-cup."
Inappropriate? Maybe. But the way he scrambled was worth it, and besides, he was the one who'd been drawing it. "Colonel! Sir!"
"Excellent, you are paying attention. Will, this is Second Lieutenant Maria Ross and Sergeant Denny Brosh. They're your assigned bodyguards for the duration of your stay in Central."
Will's jaw dropped. "You're joking."
Diana couldn't help but noticed Selim's suppressed snicker in the background. She was surprised to see him here, but she was flexible. "I'm afraid not."
"Remember what happened last time?"
"Yes. Your bodyguards saved your life."
Will crossed his arms, clearly with no answer to that. "Well, I liked those ones. These ones look delicate. And breakable."
"Sir, we're right here…" Lieutenant Ross complained quietly.
"Ross, Brosh, you are to protect Fullmetal with your lives. That includes from his own bad decisions-"
"Hey!"
"-and you report directly to Major Armstrong." Diana tried not to grin. "Please try not to break them on the first day, Fullmetal. Oh, and Mr. Bradley," she added.
"Don't call me that," Selim groaned. "That's my dad."
"Selim, then," she amended. "You might be a civilian, but while you're with Will, you obey military rules. I doubt you'll have any issues, but it's worth a reminder."
"Understood."
She was ready to leave, until Will opened his mouth again. "Alright, if you must follow me around… We're headed to the National Central Library, 1st Branch."
Fuck.
"Sorry?" she asked.
"Well, obviously, we're trying to look into Marcoh's research. And he was a State Alchemist, so any and all of his research would have been kept in the main library. Right?"
Oh, no. Will looked so proud of himself, too. And judging from Selim and Armstrong's exchanged glances of confusion, he'd come to this conclusion on his own and forgotten to share it with anybody, which was rather typical for him. It would have been another charming, if frustrating, example of Will being… well, Will, if the irony hadn't been so awful.
"I… uh…" Diana found herself, somehow, at a complete loss for words.
"The 1st Branch?" Sergeant Brosh echoed. "Boss, you're a little late. It burned down yesterday."
If she hadn't been so worried about his mental state, Diana would almost have found the expression on Will's face amusing. Then he buried his hands in hair, throwing his head back. "Jesus Christ, nobody wants to make this fucking easy for me, do they? I am going to shoot the next motherfucker who gives me a hard time, I swear to-" He caught a black look from Selim, and hurriedly corrected, "Figure of speech. Come on. Let's go sift through some ashes."
With that, Will, Selim, Lieutenant Ross and Sergeant Brosh took off, the latter two struggling to keep up with Will's long strides. He was surprisingly leggy considering he barely came up to her shoulder, she reflected.
Once they were gone, she exhaled and looked up at Armstrong. "The briefcase?"
He shook his head.
"Did you get any clues to who took it?"
Armstrong sighed. "All I know is they were strong, and fast. I don't think I've ever seen anybody outside of Black Ops move like that."
"You think they were Black Ops?"
"I didn't say that."
"Walk with me. Tell me what you found."
Armstrong hummed. "There was no body, which I find faintly concerning. Normally I would assume that he took off or got advance warning that military was coming, but…"
"But what?"
"There were signs of a struggle, and the window was forced. The boys were too occupied with the briefcase to notice that part."
She sighed. "So the doctor probably didn't leave willingly."
"If he left at all." At her surprised look, Armstrong added – with obvious hesitation – "I can think of at least one person of interest who can easily dispose of all evidence, and has some very clear motive."
"Ah. Yes. I was talking to Hughes about that. The trouble is, there's eyewitness accounts of him here."
"Recently?"
"Yesterday."
"I believe…" Armstrong rumbled, clearly thinking through his words, "there may be a connection between my attacker and the doctor's."
"Strong, fast, hard to track – that would follow with how quickly he seems to move. Assuming either of these were connected to him at all."
He smiled a little at that. "It becomes difficult not to see your target everywhere."
"This is why I don't work Investigations, Armstrong. I'm too paranoid. National Security is much more my speed."
They came to a stop, and only now did Armstrong realize they were standing in front of the hospital. "I'm quite well, Diana-"
"Do me a favour and get checked out anyway."
"…Alright."
She stayed standing there for a while after he had gone. Too many theories, too little information. Nothing to work off of.
That wasn't strictly true. She still hadn't researched the lead Will had given her.
The Gate. More than a legend.
This was more philosophy than science, and not her realm of things at all. But the 2nd Branch was open, and frankly, she was out of ideas. Time to chase a myth, and see what she found.
Alex, usually, would have climbed out of Selim's pocket and retaken his usual spot at the backof Will's neck by now. He would have listened to the world, watched it pass by, gleaned what he could about the new bodyguards, perhaps traded theories with Will about what they would find.
Instead, he found his thoughts irretrievably trapped in the white void, with the past he thought he'd be rid of forever. Part of him had hoped that they would bring back his real, real body; one that had been waiting for him somewhere. Or that, if that was truly impossible, he would have least skipped puberty and be able to begin immediately on the laborious job of modifying and changing his body the way he wanted. Alchemy was a clever thing. There was always a way to get what he wanted.
But the body in the Gate…
He couldn't stomach that. He'd thought it would be fine, but a single glimpse had proved him wrong, and now three years of a comfortable identity felt like nothing more than an elaborate lie.
My name is Alexander, he reminded himself. Alexander. I'm allowed to have that.
He didn't know what to do.
