-Jack's POV Dec 11 1993 4:15 pm- I was outside of the school, and despite the fact that it was not as big of a deal to me as it was to Seth, I was genuinely wondering what the hell was going on with Gabe, and why he was not just telling me the fucking truth. I mean, I truly felt like in a way, he had been lying to us for something, and I was just wanting to see if it was a good reason, or just something that he was not wanting to do for the sake of glory or something like that.
I was feeling like he just needed to tell us what he was doing, and even if I could not be able to help out, the others could be able to make a difference, and I might be able to make this whole thing actually work out. I was feeling like maybe he could talk to the other older siblings, and actually make him feel like there was officially an option to make this whole thing actually have some chance to work out in the end of the day.
I had felt like maybe he was going to one day see how much the people around him in the family did care for him. If they knew something like that, and they were able to sort of show him how much they would want to make a genuine difference in his life, then I think he would be able to finally make it all work out in the better. I was just feeling like he would make things actually better for us, but he needed to have a crew with him.
I was thinking that it was not going to be any of my business, and that I just needed to be getting it all go, and that I just needed to be letting him do whatever he had wanted. Whatever he had needed, and as long as I would leave him alone, he would be feeling like he was going to have something to sort of make it all feel like he knew that he was doing the right thing. Which I always wanted him to do. I always wanted to make him feel like he was doing the right thing, to matter what the case to get that could have been.
I had always felt like he was a good guy, and I knew that even if I was slightly annoyed with what he was doing, I knew that he was going to sort of be on the right path. I knew that I was going to be able to sort of put that as a form of consolation when I think about all that he had been trying to do, and I knew that I just needed to get over it, and stop acting like he had anything to owe me. In all honesty, he did not, and I knew that damn well, no matter how much I may have wished to make it not like this.
When I was sort of thinking about how I just needed to get over it, I was sighing, feeling like that would have been the best option to go with, and I was just telling myself to be focused on the things that I knew that I was going to be able to make a difference on. I was going to be able to make a difference on my sport standings, and I knew that the sports were much more important than anything else in the world.
I was then feeling like no matter where this was going to be going, I knew that I just was going to be sort of needing to make peace with whatever the hell my brother was up to, and once I finally admitted that this was none of my business, then I was going to be sort of able to get over it. I was needing to just focus on the school life that I was so needing to make better. The school life that I had hated, and wished badly would have had a chnace of changing, and improving for the better.
With that, I was thinking about maybe making some friends. I mean, I had some people that I was fine with at the school, and some people who seemed to be willing to hang out with me, so I was having something to go on with. But for fucks sake, I just wanted to make the time here be better, and then I could be able to focus on sort of not dealing with whatever the hell Gabe was dealing with, as in all honesty, that was not the most important thing in my life.
I was sort of unsure on what the heck I even had ahead of me. I was standing up, and I was just going to be trying to go on and get into the sports team. That was something that I had wished to be getting into for such a long time, and I knew that this was the main focus, and the only thing that was important. I was standing up, and I was feeling like I just needed to go on and find my friends and make them happier. My family would want me to be happier, and doing something good, so I needed to do it.
As I thought about my family, and thought about Seth's performance yesterday, and how much they were able to change his attitude, and make him feel so much better about something as simple as this, I had felt like I just needed to sort of go along with what was happening, and I just needed to actually take his example, and be able to go far with it, as that would be something that I knew I could be able to sort of make an answer out of here. But I just kind of hated whatever was going to be coming along in the long run now.
I was about to head out of the school, as I was slowly letting the fear of getting onto the team get to me once again, and let the fear decide for me that I was probably not going to be ready to do such a thing. I fucking hated it, and I was not going to be letting anybody make fun of me for going up there, and making it look like I was a fucking loser or anything like that. I just felt like I needed to focus on the idea of what it would be like to do it next year.
I was always telling myself to just do it next year. You know, one more year, then I would try it again. That was the main thing that I was always telling myself. That one more year would not kill me. That I would actually be in a better spot if I just waited one more year, and then everything would have been fine. I knew that this was going to be a long road, and I was kind of tired of it all. I knew that soon enough, I would have waited too long, an dcould not join the team at all since it would already be senior year.
I would honestly fucking hate doing something like that. I would hate getting this idea that one more year would be the answer, and then never get on the team just because of some bullshit excuse, that even I knew was just a lie. An excuse that was not going to be sticking out, and most people would probably be able to call me out on, and show me that I was just saying this to sort of get him away from me. But I felt like I just needed to look at all of the options now.
Eventually, I was starting to ask myself the question that I knew that I was going to be hating. The question that I knew I never wanted to even be a thing I could consider. What would even be worth it about joining the team? Would this even be worth going after in the long run? Or would this just be something that I was telling myself to make me feel like I was sort of capturing some form of a decent life.
I was hating the way that I was genuinely questioning myself. I was hating the fact that the one thing that I should have just gone for is something that I was not going to ever really go for, because I was honestly telling myself that there was no real reason that what I had felt was mattering. I hated my life. I hated myself as a person, and hated myself as a sibling. because I never would be getting the one thing that truly mattered to my small and idealistic eyes.
As I was near the exit of the school, that was when I was seeing a guy who looked like he was already growing pimples looking like he was too embarassed to be in the area, and not really wanting to talk with anybody at all. I was also seeing him wearing a red shirt. A shirt that represented the fact that he was at least trying out of the team. When I saw that, I knew that I could not respect his wishes at all.
I was going right towards him, and I was going to be asking him a harmless question, and see what he was feeling right now. "Hey, are you on the team or something?" I asked, and the guy was looking right at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was not really excited to be speaking with me. But he was probably thinking that in a way, he was not really going to be having much of a choice when discoursing with me.
"Yeah, I am trying to get on the team. I am not that good though. I think that if I were to try and get on the team, I would be the worst applicant to be placing himself forward." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking angry at me, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to find something else to say. But he was clearly looking like he had no idea what he was going to be getting out of me.
"Don't worry about it too much right now. I think that the coach will at least be nice about letting you down." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting me to not even dare to say something like this. As if he was feeling like I was only making things worse by openly admitting that there was a chance that they were going to just flat out tell him no. Like he was wishing that he would leave the fear out of his mind for a moment.
"I know that he will be. I don't want to be thinking about it though. I want to at least try and see what it is like first. I think that it is the best that I can do. I just want to get on the team, or at least be able to give it my best effort." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him fucking pissed. He was clearly looking like he was wanting to find something else to be talking about. Or to get me away from me, and to get me to understand that I was not wanting to speak with him in a way. But then I was just thinking about leaving alone, and maybe talking with him for a bit after school was over in the next couple of days.
...
-Dec 11 1993 6:40 pm- Once I was home, I was feeling like I just needed to go on and talk with Gabe or something. I was feeling like he might have been able to view me as young enough to be willing to just tell me what was going on, and think that I was not going to be making things any worse for him or anything likle that. But I truly had no idea how I was going to get him to think it was a good idea to branch out in a way.
I was inside of my house, and I was just looking right at his room, and I was feeling like once I would ask him what was happening, I was feeling like I would just go to see him, see what he was going to have to say, and then I would just leave him alone and be off doing his won thing, since I did not want to be making things worse for him, and I did not want him to be feeling like any trust with us was going to be gone now.
I was heading to the room, but the only one there was Todd, who was looking like he was getting ready to be heading on out, and I was feeling like maybe I could steal enough of his time where he would be able to give me some answers on what the heck was going on, and then see if maybe we could even be able to work together to make it all work out as best as we could.
"Do you know what is going on with Gabe? I mean, he seems to always be doing his own thing, and I feel like maybe he is hiding something from us." After I was saying this to Todd, I saw him looking like he was wishing to find something to say to sort of show how much he was agreeing with me, but he was clearly looking like he was not really wanting to be looking into this too deeply.
"I wish that I could go on and make him tell me what is going on. I mean, he is my younger brother, and I am worried that he is going to be getting himself in danger. But I guess that this is something that will not really be crossing his mind. Almost like he does not give a single shit about any of us." After Todd was saying this, I was seeing him looking more and more uncertain of what he was going to be telling me here.
"I mean, when I see that he is always doing something on his own, and he seems to not really care what we are worried about, I feel like he is just going to be doing something even worse. Something that is only going to be bringing him all down in the long run." After Todd was telling me that, I was seeing him just looking like he was wanting to say more to all of this.
"I think he is just sort of doing something that he will want to do. I mean, it would not bother me so much if he would actually at least just tell us what is going on. If he were to be doing that, then I would be willing to leave the subject alone." After I was telling him that, he was looking right at me, as if feeling like it could never be that easy for him, and that he was almost sad at this fact, and that he needed to just wish that it was that simple for him.
"I mean, if I was going to be able to brush this off as easily as you, I would be a terrible older brother. But it would be so much easier than anything else that is going on." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just wanting to speak further on the matter. But at the same time, he was clearly looking as if he was not even wanting to remotely consider any of this too much longer. As if it was just going to be hurting him more with each sentence.
"I think that I am going to just have to accept what is happening. I don't know. I care too much for my own good." After he was telling me this, he was looking like he was over the subject, and for both of our sakes, I did not even want to be thinking about something like this at all. I felt like I just needed to at least find something to be saying to make him feel differently on the entire thing. But I did not know what I was doing.
"How are you doing? I think that if I talk about that right now, I would be in a much better mood, and I would not be angry at myself or anybody else over this whole thing." After he was saying this to me, I was sighing, thinking about what he had asked me, and how I was going to be making it all work out in the long run. I was just thinking about the fact that I was going to be looking like a fucking failure compared to my other siblings.
"I am trying to get into the sports team. I think that I might enjoy something like this. But it would be a nightmare to go on through this. I would hate going up there, and then trying my best, and being not good enough to join the team because everybody else is better than me." I said, shaking my head, wondering what the heck I was even going to be saying to him. I was feeling like he was going to try and find something to say to make me feel better. But to be honest, I was not really in the mood for it at all.
"Well, I think that if you do not at least try to go out there, and you do not see what you can be able to handle, then I think you will never be able to see what you can handle. I think that you are just going to need to go out there, and find something to do to make it all feel better and more worth it. Just try to go out, and try to capture the moment." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to find something else to say. But had no idea what the heck to do now.
"I know that what you are saying is probably true. I just wish that I could be able to have the courage to make an impression as you guys did, or hell like what even Seth was able to do. I mean, even with everything he said up there, and how much he probably made us all feel a bit insecure about what he was presenting, at least he had the balls to be going up there. At least he was not going to be letting anybody tell him off. I wish that I was able to be like that. I wish that I was able to actually be courageous enough to actually show people how much I cared about this." I said, and I was seeing Todd looking at me, as if shocked to hear me admit something like this.
But once he had rebounded from the moment, and was sort of getting over the shock of it all, he was looking right at me, and then he was feeling like he just needed to say something to make me feel differently on this whole thing. "Honestly, I just wish that I could comprehend the fact that you are admitting to not being as out there as Seth. But now that I am kind of through with that, I think that maybe we could be able to talk for a bit about this. And I can try to offer you some helpful words to make you feel at least sort of better about this all." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him sitting down, looking like he was wanting to do this, and was patting me down to sit next to him on the bed. I followed without hesitation.
"Jack, you're only nine years old. You have so much ahead of you. There is no need to worry about something like this at all. You just need to go out there, and you need to take the chance. I mean, I know you want to make the team. I know how much you care about doing this. I think you need to at least give it your best chance." He said, looking at me, and I could tell from the way he was looking at me, that he was being genuine about what he had told me.
"I know that it is going to be the one thing that I never wanted to go out there and deal with. Stage fright, that is. I thought that I would be able to go out there, and just fucking take the moment. But now that I think about the way that I would finally going go on and show people what I want to do, I just feel a bit lost on this right now." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be telling me now.
"Well, I think that maybe you are just too worried about something that is a decently valid fear. But it is still just a fear nonetheless. I think you need to be happy with the fact that you know that you want to be going out there, and that you want to make a big impression to your class. I think that something like this is the most important thing that you can be doing." After Todd told me that, I was seeing him smiling at me, as if feeling like what he was saying was too nice for me to be passing up. Maybe deep down, he was right, and that he was just sort of wanting to be seeing me looking better about all that we were dealing with at that moment.
"I mean, what you are saying is probably you just trying to make me feel better. I appreciate the fact that you want to do something like that. But I will be honest with you. I need to leave me alone. I want to be happy with my friends, and my family. I want to make some good impressions. I mean, I met somebody today, and he seems to be sort of in the same spot as me." I said, and then he was looking right at me, as if very interested in knowing who this kid was, and how I would be able to get to know them.
"Do you think that you will try and get to know them better? Or do you believe that he is not going to really like to be hanging out with you or anything like that?" He was asking me, and I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely interested in knowing what I believed, and he was wanting to find a way to be able to break through to me, and sort of at least see how he was going to figure out if he would help out in the first place.
"I think that I need to at least try. I think that doing something like that might be able to get him to feel like I am not a total loser. And that maybe he might be able to connect with somebody, and that I could connect with him as well. I think that it is the best that I can fucking do." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to see him actually looking like he was sort of aware of how I was feeling, since he was my age once.
"See, you are knowing what is important. When you are going out there, just remember to be going nice and slow with him. Remember that there is a chance that he might not have had a friend as well. I think that maybe you just need to go slow and easy, and see what he is like, and then over time, things will be fine." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was truly willing to at least let me give this a shot, and not be just acting like it did not matter at all.
"I will have to see what happens. I don't really know what to be feeling right now. I mean, I feel like at least trying is the most important thing that somebody can do. But I have no fucking idea what the heck is going on, and I just want to make it seem like I am not going to be making things much worse for him or anything like that. I feel like it is the least that he deserves, and the only thing that I feel like actually matters." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something to make this whole thing seem better and less of an issue.
"Well, I hope that you end up having a friend out of this. I mean, if even Seth has somebody who is willing to talk with him, and get to know him a bit more, then I think that you have more than every reason to believe that this is going to work." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had truly believed in what he was saying, and not making it much worse. I was just seeing him looking like he was still unsure of how to feel about the fact that somebody was talking with Seth.
"I guess that you might be right. I mean, he was always looking like somebody who might have never been able to go out and do something like that. But when he started to have somebody who was willing to hang out with him, I guess that maybe anybody could be able to make things work out." After I was saying this, I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be saying now. Or if he was going to be leaving the subject alone for the time being.
"Well, I will be leaving you alone now. I mean, you are off just trying to make something work with friendships, and I think that I should leave you alone for the time being." Todd said, and then I was feeling like I was not going to feel satisfied, not knowing the truth with Gabe quite yet.
...
-Dec 11 1993 11:00 pm- I was seeing Gabe coming home that night, and when I was seeing him coming in, I was seeing that he was clearly looking tired, and that he was not really wanting to do anything at all. I felt like maybe I just needed to go on and see what he was going to be saying to me. If he had seen me there, and I was feeling like I just needed to sort of make it look like I was not going to be pushing him too hard or anything like that.
I was looking right at him, and I felt like I just needed to take a chance, and see what he would be saying if I were to try and reach out to him, and see how he was doing. "Hey Gabe, how are you doing right now?" I asked, and I was trying to be making it look like I was not really pressing him for anything. But the way that he was looking at me made it very clear that he was not really going to be falling for this right now, and that he would wish I would not do this.
"I am doing alright. You do not need to worry about me right now. I am just sort of needing to do something right now. Don't have a lot of time to mess around." After he had said that to me, I was a bit annoyed with the fact that he wasn't even pretending to be nice or anything. He was pretty much just telling me that he had no good reason to be talking with me, and that this was almost going to just be a waste of his time.
"But I was worried if you were being safe or not. Considering everything that you have been doing, I just felt like I might have needed to go on and see if you were holding up well or anything." I said, and I was meaning what I had said. But I did not know if he was going to be buying it, or if he was going to just be telling me not to waste my time on this right now.
"I am being fine. You truly do not need to be worried about me. I am feeling like you need to stop being worried about me. I am doing just alright and I think that even if I were to try and talk with people, they would not buy it at all." Gabe was telling me, and I was feeling like I was going to be wishing for him to be trying me, and see if perhaps he was going to be wrong about his impression he was making of me here.
"But I know that you have been doing a lot of stuff right now, and I just kind of worried about it is all. I was kind of just wondering if you needed some help with everything." I said, and then he was looking at me, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was just feeling a bit bad for me, and was wishing to be giving me some pity to what I was trying to accomplish.
"Look, I appreciate the fact that you are showing some care for me, and that you want to be helping me out right now. But in all honesty, I am going to be alright. I am sort of just needing to be doing some stuff right now, and it is very important to work on this alone. Even if I wanted to get you guys into this, I can't do something that will compromise the integrity of what I am trying to accomplish." Gabe said bluntly, and I was seeing him looking sort of tired of this subject and just wanted to be leaving me alone, or me leaving him alone more exactly.
"What is more important than telling is what is happening? I mean, this makes no sense. I just think that we all deserve something better than what you are telling us. I think most of us would be fine with whatever you are doing if we just knew." I said, and I was wanting to make him feel differently on this, but he was clearly not looking too sure what to say now.
"Jack, I think you are too young to know what is at stake. I think that you are just going to have to accept that, and not be rude as hell with me. I feel like if I needed to tell you what was going on, I would do it by now. But I need to just focus on what I can do on my own. I think that this is the only thing that I can actually do right." He said, and then I was seeing him looking at me, as if sort of showing me that he was desperately wanting me to actually see where he was comung from. or at least pretend like I did.
"You should at least tell Todd. I mean, he's the oldest. He is probably very worried about you right now." I said, and then he was looking at me, as if finding what I had told him to be rather funny, and like he was clearly thinking of how he was going to be breaking the joke to me.
But he was sad, and let me go. I was seeing that maybe I might have made a giant mistake with saying that to him, and that I should have tried to find something better to tell him, that would have made him feel like I was making less of a joke, and a more genuine suggestion. But as it was, he was not going to be having any of it, and I was wondering what the issue really was here. What he was trying to be hiding from me.
"I think that maybe when you understand what it is like to be hiding something from older siblings, to be making sure that they are not the ones who have to suffer, you would be able to get it. I think you would be able to sort of understand what I am trying to do, and you would be willing to start to see that this is more complicated than you might believe." Gabe said to me, and I was seeing him looking honestly sad that at fact, thinking about how great it would be if he and Todd got along or something.
I genuinely wondered if there was something that they were lying to us about. I was feeling like there was no real reason for Gabe to be feeling this way under a normal situation. I was wondering if Gabe or Todd had done something really bad to piss the other one off really badly. But I decided that it was none of my business, and that I just needed to be leaving it alone.
"But seriously, I really do need to be heading to my room. If you want to maybe talk more sometime, I would be willing to do this. But not about what we were discussing just now. I think that if I were to try and tell you about this, you would be sort of wondering what was wrong with me. And then you would hate me more than anything else in the world." After Gabe had told me that, I was seeing him heading to his room, and I was feeling like there was so much that I would be able to learn, and needed to know to be able to help him out here.
But I decided that I needed to be leaving him alone. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and at least pretend like I knew what was going on with him, and not be making him feel like I was attacking him for anything that was going on. I felt like it was the least that I could be able to do in the moment.
...
-Dec 12 1993 12:55 am- I was walking along, sort of wondering what the heck I was even going to be doing now, to sort of make this whole thing not seem very forced onto them or anything like that. I was seeing that as I was about to go to bed, to take advantage of every moment that I had with my week end, that Gabe was going to be doing something right now, and when I was seeing this, I was feeling like this was my chance to be able to find out the truth, and get the answers that I had needed.
As I was seeing this, and I was feeling like I finally had a chance to be able to keep all of the answers together, I was feeling like I just needed to fucking see what Gabe was doing, and then be able to sort of put the answers behind me once and for all. That was the only thing that I had fucking needed. Was to just know what the heck my older brother was hiding, and finally put it behind me once and for all.
When I was finally coming up with the answer, I was heading on right towards where he was, but doing it quiet and far away enough to where he was not going to be seeing what I was doing, and I could get away with what I had been doing, and make it seem like what I was doing was actually smart. Which even I knew deep down it was not. But him keeping us in the dark was not smart as well.
I was going right out of the house, and when Gabe was out of the house, I was seeing him taking out a cigarette, and then he was starting to smoke it for a moment. When I was seeing this, I will admit I was kind of feeling let down. This whole build up, and trying to figure out what was going on, and then it turns out that what he was hiding was just simply the fact that he was liking to smoke cigarettes. I was wishing that he was off doing something worse. Since doing something bigger would have been a bit more interesting.
I was then seeing him walking along longer, and when I was seeing him doing this, I knew that I just needed to fucking see what was going on, and see what the heck he was going to be doing. I was feeling like the answers that I was wanting to know where going to be by following him. So with that, I was just going to be following, and seeing what the hell was even happening, just to finally get the answer.
I was walking for a bit, and after he was leaving the street, and going on longer, I was feeling like maybe this might not have been worth it, but I decided that I was not going to be letting this go. I was feeling like I was finally having an answer, and I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to know what the heck was happening, and see if there was a certain truth to all of this stuff.
I was seeing him walking for a couple of blocks, and when he was doing this, I was seeing him sort of looking around, to make sure that nothing was going on, and that he was being hidden. He was far enough away from me to not see that it was me, but still close enough to know that somebody was in the area. I could tell this because of the way that he was suddenly looking utterly terrified. I knew that whatever was going on, this was going to be the answer that I had needed here.
He was stopping, and he was looking worried. So fucking worried that somebody knew that what he was doing that he was just pretty much shaking at the spot for a few seconds. Then I was seeing him sort of looking like he was just trying to be keeping himself composed. To make it look like he was scared of what he was doing. I was seeing him looking like he was finally just wishing to sort of change his way of going at this.
I was then feeling like I just needed to walk away a couple of steps, or hide myself, and then be able to sort of enable him to keep going for a while longer. You know, to make sure that I could be able to get his guard down even further, and then everything was going to be fine. I had felt like this was all that I had fucking needed in the long run. Then he was walking to the phone booth that was near by, and I was clearly able to tell that he was going to make a call here.
I was feeling like maybe when I would see what he was wanting to talk to this person about, I was feeling like I just needed to finally get the fucking answers, and then be able to put it all behind me. I was seeing him going inside of the booth, and then I was getting behind the trees in the area, and was walking behind the tress for several seconds, wondering what I would do if anybody knew what I was going to do, and if Gabe was going to forgive me by doing this.
When I was seeing him looking like he was finally starting to relax a bit, I was feeling like maybe this was going to be my chance to finally get to know what the heck was even going to be happening now. I was seeing him starting to place in a number, and I was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like I just needed to wait for another few seconds, and see what the hell was even going to be. I was trying to see what the hell the number was, but I was sort of putting it all behind me, realizing that this might not have been really worth it at all.
I was then seeing him taking a deep breath, and after a moment, he was sighing, and then he was speaking to the other end of the line, and I knew that all the answers I needed were going to be finally coming together, and that this was all that I needed here. "Hello, I was wishing to speak with you further about the offers that you were making me, and I was hoping that maybe we could be able to come to some form of an understanding with each other to not make this any worse for us." I was confused at this, unsure what he was even meaning now.
"I know that there are a lot of stuff that you were wishing to discuss with me over, but I think that maybe we need to talk about it in a relatively quiet area, and I could be able to present my side of the discussion. I am here to make sure that nothing happens to my family. They are the most important thing to be looking at right now." Gabe was saying, and then he was taking a deep breath, as if the idea of even opening up about something like this was horrorfying.
I was feeling like whatever he was hiding behind our backs now, when I was hearing this, that I was probably not really wanting to know now. I mean, I thought that I did want to know, when I was hearing him sort of talking about this stuff around us, and being very vague. But when I was hearing him discussing stuff like keeping us safe, and not only that, but saying it with utmost sincerity, I was feeling like maybe I did need to accept the fact that this was not something I needed to be getting involved in right now.
After I was starting to come to this conclusion, I was seeing him rub his face a bit, and I was feeling like I just needed to sort of get this whole thing over with. I was seeing him looking like he was clearly over this whole thing, and that there was nothing else that even fucking mattered at all. "Listen, I know that you are clearly on the business end of this, and that you do not care to look at the personal perspective. I know that this might be hard for you to do, but I want you to at least pretend like you were seeing it my way." After Gabe said that, he was then stopping his breath, breathing a moment longer, before he was just sort of clearly looking like he did not want to speak anymore on this either.
"Well, either way, I think that we will both be excited to see each other see, where we could be able to possibly come to an understanding. I think that this is the only thing that we can really do when looking at all of this." After Gabe had said that, he was sighing, feeling like he was just going to be playing with the devil or something like that, and even he was aware of what was going on at this point in time.
"I have not told anybody else about this. I will never tell anybody about this, and I do not feel like they ever really deserve to know. Even if they all really wish to find out what I am doing." Gabe said, and then he was placing the phone back, and waited for a few minutes before a car showed up, and he was wondering if he should go in or not, by running into the woods at the last second.
...
-Dec 12 1993 3:50 pm- I was just planning on maybe going out to the school or something like that, and maybe making some time to be practicing some baskets and stuff. I had felt like this was the best that I could be doing in this whole thing. I was feeling like this was going to be the biggest nightmare in my entire fucking life. But at the same time, I was just feeling like I needed to try my best to be making this whole thing work.
I was feeling fucking fine for once in my entire life. I was feeling like I had a plan to be going with. I was going to pretend like I had no idea what I was seeing Gabe doing last night when I saw him getting in the car. I was seeing him looking unsure of what to be feeling right now, and I was feeling like he was clearly just doing something taht was too far out for me. Something that I did not even want to be taking a risk on anymore. I was feeling like this whole thing was just a bit too far out of my field, and I was feeling like a idiot for even trying this in the first place.
I was just about to reach the house door, and I was seeing my siblings looking like they had wanted to just be doing their own thing, and I was seeing that Josiah was just playing some music, but when he was seeing me, I was seeing him just stop what he was doing a little bit at a time, and then he was standing up, feeling like he was needing to speak to me about what the heck was going on, and what my plans.
"What are you doing today? I mean, I see that you are holding a basketball? Are you planning on breaking the car window again?" After he had asked me this, I was seeing him looking like he was trying to be casual about this. He was really just wanting to make it look like he had nothing to be pressing me on. But he was clearly just wanting to make sure that I was going to be able to find this whole thing to be a bit funny.
"I was planning on maybe going to the school, and practicing a bit, so that way I could be able to get on the team a bit. I really want to make it onto the team, and I just want to actually do something with my time that I am going to be happy with." I said, and then I was seeing Josiah looking like he had thought that was a pretty decent idea, and then I was seeing him looking like he had wished to be finding something to say to me, to get his point across.
"Well, I hope that you actually manage to get some good practice in. I think we would all want that from you. Considering the fact that you have broken everything. But it seems like this is something you care about, so I am going to be leaving you alone for the time being." After Josiah was saying that to me, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was kind of finding this whole thing to be a little bit sad.
"I just don't want to be telling myself to do it next year anymore. Every time that I do that, I am losing another chance, and I do not want that to be the case anymore. I just wost of wish that I knew that I could get on and become the star player on the team. I just think that getting on the team is going to be the most important thing here." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something to do to make this conversation feel like it was getting something.
"I think that becoming the star player is going to be a bit harder than normal. But I think that if you actually get good on this whole thing, the maybe you actually might be able to make it onto the team and stuff." After Josiah was telling me this, I was feeling like I just needed to find something to do to make the whole subject feel like it could have gone somewhere. I was just thinking that if I joined the team, I would finally make the best out of this whole thing.
"I was just going to see what it would be like to be on the team. I mean, being on the team, and failing miserably, would still be better than nothing at all. At least with me being on the team, and not doing well, I would be able to say that I sort of knew what was going on, and I knew whta I was going to be able to accomplish. I just feel like this is the best that I can truly do." I said, and then I was shaking my head, hating my whole fucking situation.
I was feeling like I just needed to sort of be happy with what I was in right now. I mean, I had nine brothers, and a sister, who seemed to be supportive of me, and seemed to be grateful for the fact that I have been doing all of this stuff in the first place. The fact that they seemed to be more than willing to actually help me out, as long as I was going to be making the effort to go on through with it all.
I just felt like what was going on was a sign that they knew what was really important to me, and how they were going to be able to sort of make a difference, and to make me feel more welcome on this whole thing. "Hey, thanks for talking with me right now. But I feel like I have to be going through with this whole thing. I think that I just have to be making a good first impression. If I can make a good first impression, then I think that I will be fine with what I am doing once and for all." I said, thinking on what it would have been like to be like this.
I was feeling like maybe I just needed to be leaving the subject, and that I had made my fucking point here. "Well, just don't make a issue out of it. Just show him that you would be willing to make a difference, and show them that you are willing to go above and beyond for the sport, and when they see something like that, I think that they might be able to go on and see what it is like." After Jack had told me this, I was feeling like I would have no idea where the hell to be going on any of this now.
As I was going outside of the house, I was seeing Josiah looking like there was another question that he was planning on asking me right now. "Hey Jack, just make sure that if you get on the team, that you remember to tell us how the games go. I think we would love to know how much progress you are making right now." After he had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he was being sincere on what he had said. I was sighing, thinking about what he had just told me. I was then thinkingthat I just needed to go on home now, and be done with this.
"I will see what I can do to get you guys to be going to the games. I mean, I don't know if it will be the easiest thing in the world to do. But I think that I might as well at least try and see what it could be like. But I think that I will need to at least try and practice now, and that if I spend any more time on this, I will be sort of unable to get any progress done." I said, and I was aware that saying this to him was going to be pissing him off. The fact he was basically told off. But I did not know or care what to say now.
I was then actually out of the house, feeling like I was just needing to get this whole thing over with. Once I was out of the house, I was just feeling a bit unsure of what to be telling my brothers now. I was feeling like they were going to want more from me. But I was feeling like if he was going to be helping me out, he would have gone already. But he was still sort of high on the accomplishment of the fact that he had done so good at the music show.
I was feeling like maybe I just needed to go on and see what I could do to find out what he was doing. How the band worked out, and if they were going to continue working, or if they were going to be sort of rejecting the idea of staying long term. I mean, I had felt like I needed to just find a way to be seeing if he was going to be happier this way. But to be honest, their way of going at this was just going to be a bit confusing.
Once I was starting to walk off towards the school, I was wondering what I would be finding here, and if the people at the school were going to be trying to help me out. Or if they were going to be trying to deal with their own practice. Or if since it was the weekend, if there was even going to be anybody here in the first place. Which I was not going to be too shocked over, as annoying as that can be, but also as quiet and calm.
...
-Dec 12 1993 11:00 pm- I was about ready to be going to bed mainly because of the fact that we had school that next day, and while I had no desire to be going to sleep at the moment, I knew that I had no choice, and I knew that I just had to accept the fact that this was something that I needed to do, and that maybe I could get some more practice there. I mean, I had no idea how well it was going to be working. But I did not even give a single crap at all. I just needed to do something to make this whole thing better for us all.
I was about to open the door to be heading down stairs, when I was seeing Josiah wrapping up his music practice to be going to bed as well. I was seeing him looking around, wondering if anybody was still up, and then when he was doing that, and saw that he could not see anybody, he was looking like he was thinking that it was none of his business anyways, and then he was going down the stairs as well. Just sort of to pretend like this was not a huge deal.
As I was seeing him sort of going inside, I was seeing him just sort of moving on. But at the same time, I was having a feeling that maybe Gabe was going to be doing something again, and that maybe I just needed to pretend like I was going to bed, and then when this was done, I would be able to get up and walk outside and follow him again tonight. And this time, actually not give up, and see what was truly going on.
I was thinking that maybe I could be able to talk with Henry for a bit. I mean, I did not want to admit it. But the one who was in the same room as me probably knew me better than anybody else in the house, and I was feeling like I just needed to suck it up, and at least give him a chance to be able to see if he was able to help me out. Or if maybe he was wanting to help out as well.
I had felt like maybe when I would be getting to see ho he was feeling, and seeing how maybe we could be able to make something come together out of this, I was feeling like it was the best that I could do. I did not care how it was going to be. I just needed to go on and see how things were going to be. I needed to see if perhaps I could get henry to see if I was really wanting to truly see what was going on here, and that this was much more than a simple interest. As much as I hated to admit it, this was a bit of an obsession.
I was becoming focused on this. I was feeling like I just needed to try and see what was going on here. I felt like the answer was more important than anything else, and I had felt like maybe when I would truly see how Henry was taking this, maybe we could be able to unite more, and we would be able make something come together. But despite what I had been feeling right now, there was something else that I was needing to tell him. Something else that I was thinking that he would be able to understand in the long run here.
As I was thinking about helping my brother, and making them know that I was more than willing to be contributing to whatever fight he was going to be in, I had felt like he was going to be finding a way to be telling me off. he was going to be finding a way to just simply, firmly, but also hopefully nicely, show me why this was not a good idea, and explain to me why he was not wanting me to actually get involved with anything like that at all.
I had been worried that maybe if Gabe had found out about what I had been doing, he would have hated me. He would have retroactively made things much worse than I thought that it could have been. I was wanting to help Gabe out right now. I was wishing that maybe I could help him out now. I wanted Gabe to see that I was truly caring about how things were with us and that I would do anything to make him feel better now.
I had no idea what I was going to be trying to accomplish on any of this. Once I was down stairs, I was seeing Henry looking like he was about to be heading to bed. I always hated him being so much younger than me. For the next nine months, he did not need to worry about going to bed at a certain time, since he was not in school yet. But that feeling was going to change the moment he was in Kindergarten, because I would then realize that I was at least four years closer to the end of this nightmare than he was, and that I could get out much quicker.
"What were you doing last night?" Henry asked the moment that I was inside of the room, and then I was looking right at him, as if worried about what he was going to be saying to me. I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to know how I had been feeling. "I mean, I did not see you home until nearly three in the morning." I knew that he was not going to be letting this whole thing go, and I had felt like I might as well just tell him what was going on here.
"To be honest, I was thinking that I would be having a great idea on seeing what my brother was doing. I know that Gabe is up to something, and I want to see what it is going to be like." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be saying. He was probably going to be either seeing why this was bothering me, or be telling me that I was being a reactionary. I did not know, and I did not even care what it was going to be like right now.
"Maybe he might be having a girlfriend or something like that. Trust me, he will be fine right now." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say something else. But then before he could even think about saying more, and I had nothing against him for feeling this way, since he was fucking five for fucks sake, and was too young to understand how bad it was, but I needed to make him understand what it was going to be like.
"Well, I followed him last night, and when I was doing this, I was seeing him meeting up with some dude who was inside of a black car. But before that, he was talking about something like a business deal. A deal to be keeping us safe, and him giving the man in the black car something. It is pretty obvious to me that he was clearly just wanting us to not know what is going on, because if we did, we would get in his business on it." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and then seeing what he was wanting to tell me for the time being.
"That is strange. But maybe there was just something really simple to it." Henry was saying, and I could clearly tell that he was not sure what he was even saying right now. I knew that even he was not buying a single word of what he was telling me right now. I was feeling bad for him, wanting to clearly find something to be saying to make our brother look like what he was doing was normal, but he just could not find a way to do this.
"Honestly, I just think that maybe he might be having something that he does not want us to know. And that if we try to find out what is going on here, then I think that maybe he will just try to find a way to get himself out of this. I need to know what he is doing. I need to know how he is going behind our backs." I said, and I was being very serious on this, and I just wanted to see how my younger brother would know what to be saying now.
"Jack, I think that you might need to be finding something to keep this whole thing together. I mean, I think you are just too focused on something for no real good reason. But I just think that maybe if he does not let anybody know what is happening, then I think he might be sort of making some big mistakes." After he was telling me that, I was seeing him looking like he was clearly just wanting to say more. But had no idea what to do now.
"I just want to make sure that I know what my siblings are doing, and as a result, be able to help them out if they need it. I mean, I know that maybe it is none of my business. But I feel like he might be placing himself in serious danger, and if that happens, then I can't ever forgive myself for not following my hunch." I said, holding my hands up, wanting to say more, and I was just seeing Henry wanting to say more. But he was too worried about annoying me here.
"If he is safe, how are you going to be able to sort of get over it? Do you feel like you will be fine with just sort of moving on if it turns out that nothing is actually going on?" Henry asked me, and then I was seeing him just sort of wanting to be saying more. But he was sort of wishing to know more of what he was feeling. I was feeling like I needed to come up with a better answer, if something like this was possible.
"If he is fine, I will be getting over it soon enough. I think that I just need to see what to be learning first. Once I learn the truth, then everything is going to be fine. I just need to finally have the truth presented to me, and then I would sort of be over it finally." I said, and then I was shrugging, and then I was looking right at Henry, wondering what I was going to be saying to him, and I was feeling like whatever I would do would finally make a difference.
"I think that even if you might not get it, or not want to get it, I am going to have to try and go again at this. I think that I need to go on and just find out what he is doing. Maybe when I do this, I might be doing something better for us. I am going to be watching for when he leaves again, and when he heads out once more, I will be getting out there, and I will be sort of seeing what he is doing, and how I could help him out now." I said, and I was seeing Jack looking like he was sort of getting over it now.
I was feeling like I just needed to be finding something else to keep it together. "I mean, I feel like it is the least that I can do. See what my brother is doing, and then keeping it all together. I feel like it is all that matters. And then once I know my answer, I will finally be able to get over it. Hopefully at least." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wishing to be finding something else to catch the moment of how I had been feeling. I needed to be finding a way to make it all come together.
Henry was obviously looking like he was wanting to debate further, and I was not even able to blame him for being like this, considering the context. But I did not give a single fuck. I was needing to make my voice heard, no matter what was going to be happening. No matter what was happening, I was feeling like maybe when I would get him more and more open on this, I could finally put some answers to all of this together.
"Honestly, I might not get it or like it. But I know how stubborn you might be. I know how much you care about doing things your way, and showing people that you are going to be fine with this. I think that if you are going to be heading out and checking something out, you might need to have somebody who is at your side, and making sure that everything is going to be fine." After he was telling me that, I was looking right at him, as if feeling like he was crazy for even suggesting what he was low key suggesting to me right now.
"I think that this might be a terrible idea. I mean, you're only five years old. How am I going to be able to trust something like this being a good idea?" After I was asking him this, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely wanting to be saying something else. He was truly wanting to find something to tell me to make me change my mind. I was seeing his fucking mind racing.
I was wondering why he was even caring so much what I was trying to be telling him. I was wondering why he was wanting to be doing something like this in the first place. I mean, he was so young. He deserved so much better than what I was doing right now. "I don't know. I think that I will want to try and do it on my own one or two more times, see how it is, and then if I don't have any answers, or am getting myself in danger, I might be able to finally trust people to finally go on and find some way to help me out." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like this was something he was wanting to dispute as well. But he was taking a deep breath, feeling like he was needing to accept where he was placing himself right now for the time being.
"I know that you might not like what I am doing. In fact, I know that you do not. Even I don't really like it all that much deep down. But I am telling myself that this is right. I am telling myself that this is all that I need to be doing. I just wish that I could help you out with all that was going in." I was shaking my head, feeling like maybe I just needed to make him feel better about the fact that I was basically calling out on him for being so young and stuff.
"I don't want to see you go. I mean, you are a decent guy. Even if you can be mean to me sometimes." Henry said, and I was seeing him looking like he was not wanting to say more. He was clearly fearing that I might not be super happy with him saying that. But when he was doing this, I was just looking down, unsure of what to be saying now.
"I don't know what to be doing. It really is as simple as that. I want to be able to know how to make a difference. But if I were to try and find something right now, that brings it all together, I think that I would be lying to myself in a way. I think that this is the best that I can do." I said, and then I was standing up, looking at the stairs, feeling like I was needing to be following my calling eventually. Then I looked at Henry, to address the jerk comment.
"I hope that this does not get too bad for me. I feel like this is the least that I can do right now. I just wish that Gabe would not be mad at me if he finds out what I am doing. If he ends up being angry at me, and tells me that I ended up making a huge mistake on this, I will be so mad at myself, for doing something that pissed him off so badly." I said, and then I was shaking my head, pretending like I was fine here. I needed to just see what I would be doing now.
Then with that, I was at the edge of our sub set of the down stairs room. "Sorry for being considered a jerk to you. I mean, I know that I am not going to change that. I will not be able to change myself. But I feel like maybe I hope you know that I did not mean to be doing something like this." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like I was just needing to be going along with this, and then go up there, and then get right to work. I needed to get to the job, and get it all done, and put it behind me in general.
So with that, I was waiting to see him react to me. "If you mean what you are saying, and you do want to be able to make me feel better, I will sort of try to put it all behind me for the time being." Henry said to me, and I was seeing him truly looking like he was wishing to find some better way to know what to be saying to me. To make me feel better about all that was about what was going down. But then I was feeling maybe I needed to find something else to say.
"I never had the intentions of making you feel bad. That is all that I can be able to say. But I really do need to try and fucking get out of there, and try and see what the heck my brother is doing. Maybe once I know how Gabe is doing, and learn the truth of what he is accomplishing, then I will probably be able to start to place it all behind me." I said, and then I was just feeling like I was needing to place it all behind me. I was getting to the stairs of the room, and I was waiting to see what Henry would say to me in a form of making me feel different about all that was going on now.
Once I was getting up the stairs, I was aware that this was the only thing that fucking mattered. I just needed to find a way to make my family proud of me. I needed to find a way to make them all feel like I was not trying to be making things any worse for them. I was just trying to be making them better, and safer, no matter how it would get there.
...
-Dec 13 1993 12:30 am- Once Gabe was heading out of the house, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to make sure that nobody was going to be following him. Probably after everything that he had seen the night before, he would probably be scared that somebody was following him. And he had every right to be worried about something like that. But I did not wnat to make it too obvious what I had been doing.
I had felt like I just needed to finally find a way to be making this whole thing look like it was not going to be bothering me all that much in the long run. I was feeling like when he would know what the heck I was doing, he would be very angry at me. I did not give a shit what it was going to be looking like. In my mind, I genuinely was feeling like I was having no choice but to be making this whole thing come together.
Once he was reaching the door, I was seeing him looking like maybe he was feeling like this was not going to be worth it. I had felt like maybe I was needing to learn what he was wishing to know. I was seeing that there was always a look of pain and frustration, and a look of clearly not knowing what to be doing in his mind. I wished that I would make him feel better. But I guess that none of what I was feeling would make any difference.
I was thinking about my siblings, and I was thinking even about Gabe, and how he was probably thinking that he was doing the right thing, and that he was thinking that he just needed to pretend like he was not making a huge difference. I was feeling like finding how this was all going to work out together was the only thing that I had felt like was truly going to make some form of a difference in the long run.
I had felt like maybe I just needed to talk to him for a while. Make him see that I was just wishing to speak to him, but only in a way where he was feeling like he was actually going to not feel like I was trying too hard to make something different on what was happening. I was wondering how in the hell I was even going to be getting him to wish to open with me. I was thinking that this was going to be the only thing that I needed to keep in mind in the long run. I just wanted to make him know that there was another way. But I did not know if this was possible.
As he was opening up the door, and starting to head out, I waited for about two minutes before I was feeling like it was time for me to try and see what I could be able to learn here. I was sighing, just feeling like I needed to get this whole thing over with. I was walking out of the house, and when I had done that, I was needing to keep myself calm. I needed to keep myself focused. I needed to keep myself feeling like I was not going to get caught doing this.
Once I was outside of the house, I was seeing that Gabe, who had only been barely down the street, looked back, and I was seeing that he clearly knew that one of his siblings was out of the house. I was feeling like I had failed, and that no matter what was going to happen, I needed to find some way to be lying about what I was doing. Maybe I could find a way out of this if I had been able to try hard enough at the moment.
I think that he knew that no matter what was going to happen, he was needing to find a way to be making his point clear, and that as a result, he just needed to be getting this whole thing over with. So with that, he was walking back to the house, and I was seeing him looking like he was both curious who it was, but also mildly angry at what was going on, and whoever it was, he was going to make it clear that this was no fucking game at all.
I was feeling like I just needed to prepare myself for my lecture, and that he was going to be making me somehow feel like the bad guy for doing this all. And given the fact that I had wanted to make my brothers and sister feel like I knew what was going on, and show that there was some regret here, I was feeling like if he was going to lecture me, then I might be falling for it, and realizing how much I was going to just need to work with him. I was seeing that maybe once he got over it, he would just want to work with me to get us both results.
Once he was seeing me, and seeing that it was me and not one of the other older siblings here, I was seeing him looking slightly sad, but also worried. But I was seeing him slowly get over it, and I was seeing him wishing to be talking with me on this. To get me to know why this was not alright. Why this was something that I needed to understand was not going to be a fucking game, and that he was not wanting me to fuck around with all of this.
...
-Dec 13 1993 2:45 pm- Eventually, when school was over, I was feeling like I needed to find something to do to drag out how long I was going to be in school, not wanting to go home, and be forced to confront Gabe about what had happened. I knew that I had really messed up, and I knew that he was going to be pissed at me, and not want to tell me a single detail. I had made a huge mistake, and I was going to avoid dealing with it as long as possible.
I was going down to the gym, and I was going to be working there for a while, and I was going to be making it very clear to people that I was going to be there for the team application, and nothing else at all. I was feeling like when I was going to be focused on this, and I would make some progress, I would be able to get some form of admiration from the people that I am hanging out with. They might be thinking that if for nothing else, they might appreciate the effort I am putting in here.
I was just telling myself all of this stuff to be feeling better. I was thinking that I would also get some form of leniency if I tried hard enough. That was the only thing that I was going to be telling myself to sort of make a change to what I had been dealing with. I was down at the gym, and I was picking up a basket ball, holding it for a bit, and the longer I was holding it, the less sure I was on what I was going to be doing here.
Then I walked in front of the loop, and then I was sighing, annoyed with my life, and then I was throwing the ball through the hoop, telling myself to just get this over with. The longer that I was stalling this out, the worst that I would be making this whole thing. I was then seeing that the ball slightly missed the hoop, and I was ready for people to be making fun of me here.
I was sighing, thinking that I was just not going to really accomplish anything else here. Then I was forcing myself to be focusing as long as possible. The longer that I was going to be focusing, the better that I was going to be making this whole thing work. Then I was thinking for a while longer, then took a step or two back, and then I threw it. As I threw it, I was waiting for a second as I was seeing it go inside the hoop.
I was then grabbing the ball again, and then threw it again, and saw it work a second time. As I was seeing this, and working out the best that I could, I was feeling better about what I had been doing. I was then working on throwing more of these attempts, and there was a lot of mixed results in this whole thing. I was just glad that I was making some of these shots if for nothing else.
As I was getting ready to fire again, I was seeing that one acne covered guy from earlier walking by, and I was seeing him looking at me. As if wondering what I was going to be up to, and I was seeing him looking right at me, as if wondering what I was going to be doing now. "Hey, how is your practice going on right now? Do you think you might be able to make the team at the rate you are going?" He asked me, and I was looking at him, and I was feeling like I needed to give some form of a commanding appearance on this entire situation.
"Well, yeah I am going to hopefully make the team. And if I don't make it to the team, then I am going to be practicing every single fucking day, and I am going to be making sure that I do not miss a single chance of making it onto this team." I said, and then I was looking right at this guy, wondering what he was going to be telling me now, if he was to say anything at all.
"I think that maybe I just need to be as prepared as possible for this. I think that I truly have a chance. But I just need to make sure that the rest of the team is so bad that I might have been able to get on the team easily enough." I said, shaking my head, kind of annoyed at the fact that I was pretty much admitting that the only way I could make the team was if people who were even worse than me would have been in the team as well.
I was kind of angry with myself, and I was feeling like there was something almost kind of unfair about something like that. But then I was telling myself to focus on something that was much more important. If I was going to be on this team, and make friends, then I was needing to go on and try to get to know this person, and at least see if they were going to be somebody that I actually felt this whole thing would have been compatible with.
"My name is Jack. What is your name?" I asked him, wishing to be making him feel like there was a chance that we were going to be able to get something going. Then he was looking right at me, as if shocked to be hearing somebody actually trying to reach out to her, and trying to make her honestly feel better on this whole thing.
"My name is Max. I have been wanting to get on the team for a while as well. But I am not that good." Max said to me, and then he was looking right at me, as if wondering if he was wanting to actually say something that he was thinking. I was wondering what was going on with him. But I did not want to be saying something else. As if feeling like maybe I just needed to get to know how he was planning on going at this.
"Well, I do sort of get what it is like. The idea of going into a team that I know will probably reject me. I mean, I really don't want to admit that I know what it is like. But at the same time, I am sort of over it. I know that there is nothing that I can fucking do about it. As much as I hate to say something like that." I said, and then I was looking right at Max, as if wondering what he was going to be saying now, if he was to say anything at all.
"I am honestly just thinking that if I wanted to join the team, I will have to wait until a later year. I mean, I have nothing against that I guess. But I wish that I could have been able to do something better with my time." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to find something else to be saying to me. But he was clearly not wanting to say anything else to me, but did not know what was wrong with him here.
I was wanting to be making him feel better. "Well, maybe if we go on and do a session together, where we keep taking turns on how to play, then we can make it work." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was seeing him looking like he was actually kind of happy over something like this. I was seeing that he was actually almost wanting to go on and do something like this, to make it all work out.
Then with that, I was throwing him the ball, and I was seeing him looking shocked at the fact that I was meaning the offer, and then he was sighing, thinking that he might as well just give it a try. Then he threw it really hard, and then it ended up hitting the thing behind the hoop, and then it flew back several feet forward, and then I was looking unsure of what to be telling him. I did not want to say anything, in fear of offending him. But yeah, long story short, he was going to be having a long ass way to be getting good at this. But then again, we all had to be starting somewhere, and I was going to be seeing how I could help him out here.
I knew that everybody, when they were first getting into sports, were not going to be that good, so I was needing to remember that fo rmyself before I judged him too hard on this, and I was feeling like I just needed to be there for him. To make him feel better about what was going on, and show him that I knew how to make him feel like there would have been some chance to go on and truly change how it could have all been here.
I was feeling like I was needing to just give the impression of being patient, and I was going to be leading him through this whole thing, and be helping him out here, and then I was going to be able to show people that if I could improve, and he can be improved by a result of my training, then he might be able to see that I was a good teacher, and then as a result, the coaches would at least give me a chance to be there to teach the worse players.
I had felt like it was going to be the best option for me, and it was going to be the only way that I would really make a difference. It would be the only way that I can show people that I want to at least try and make it seem like I am not going to be judging anybody for what they were like for now. Since if I had done that, I would be kind of a massive dick, and I would be sort of the one who would be making things much worse for everybody else who was around here.
I was feeling like I was just needing to try and make it so much better. I was seeing him sighing a bit, and he was looking like he was over the whole situation, and that he had wanted to make people feel like he was actually decent. Or at least able to become decent if he were to try hard enough. I knew that I was going to have a long way to be going here. But I knew that I just needed to try my best on this whole thing.
"Listen Max... I am not going to be lying to you." I said, and I knew that he was going to be taking this badly. But I felt like it was what he had needed to hear. And that when I continued, he was going to be feeling better. Once he was going to truly be seeing where I was going to be heading on this whole thing.
"As or right now, you will probably not be able to make the team. That being said, I do wnat to give you a chance to improve. I think that maybe if you can improve, and I improve by teaching you some of the stuff that I know, or we can actually be able to get faster and better, then I think that we could be able to both enable to give us a chance on making the team." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be telling me here.
"I guess that maybe I could be willing to give this a go. I really do want to make it on the team. I mean, the whole thing would be hard for me to be doing. But I do not give a shit. I need to at least try and see how it can go." He was telling me, and he was looking sad as he was saying this, and I was wanting to help him out. Then I was feeling like I needed to get back to feeling something for him, and be there to make him feel like there was a chance to make it all work out.
As I was looking at him, and I was seeing that he genuinely looked like he was wanting to help, I was feeling like I just needed to be patient with him, no matter what the context was going to be. "I mean, I am not that good myself. I am not even going to pretend like I am somebody who knows what I am doing here. But I feel like I need to at least give you a chance here." I said, and then I was holding the ball, and then I threw it. The ball barely made it through.
"My first thing of advice is to just remain calm and quiet. Calm and collected. Once you are able to accomplish that, and you are able to really capture the motions of not being worried about what is going on, you will be able to make things work out for the best." I said, and then I was looking right at Max, wondering what the hell I was even going to be saying to continue on with this whole entire thing.
"Alright. Thanks for being honest with me. I always get a little bit worried when I go up there, and when I just throw the ball in to try and make it. I always feel like if I miss, then I would be feeling terrible. Then as a result, I miss even more, and I make things even worse, and then I just feel angry with what I am doing." He said to me, sighing about what he was telling me, and he was clearly looking like he had wanted to say more. But that if he continued, I was just going to be telling him not to feel this way.
But to his surprise, I was not going to be like that. I was going to try and support him, and I was going to try and make him feel better. I knew what it was like to be in his shoes. I was not going to be making him feel bad for doing something bad, and I was going to try and find a way to make him feel like there was something that could make him feel like there was somebody who cared for him in his way.
"I was terrible at sports too. I am still not all that good. But I feel like when I go up there, and I show people how to do better, then I feel like I am honestly doing something right. I mean, I was always freaked out. In fact, starting todays thing, I was worried. But with each throw, I was telling myself to focus on the moment." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what I was going to say to make him feel different on this.
"I mean, I think that you just got to be taking in the moment, and reminding yourself that the worst that is going to happen if you fail to make the team, is to try again next year. If you try and fail this year, that is something. If you don't even try though, that is when you end up making things worse for yourself." After I had said that to him, I was seeing him looking like he was trying to be cool with what he was telling me now.
"Alright. Thanks for letting me know that. I mean, I don't know how much it will change my perspective on this. But I feel like it is the best that I can be doing here. I mean, I just want to make people see that I want to be making a difference. I want to show people that I care about how things are." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But that he was not daring to be saying anything else.
"So now that you are remembering that you just need to be calm and focused, I want to let you try and give it a few shots. Just tell yourself that the only thing that matters is the score. The only thing that matters is just trying your best. Do not worry about making the score or not. If you fail, there are always different attempts that you can make. And there is nothing that you need to worry about here." I said, and then I was sitting down on the bleechers, as if to make my point in a way.
Then when he was seeing me looking like this, and trying to pass it off that way, he was sighing, and then he was feeling like he just needed to give this a go, and that he just needed to be ready for whatever the hell was about to go down. Then with that, he was sighing, and threw the ball at the rim, and then the first time it failed. He ended up trying another three times, but he was getting a little closer each time, and on the fifth time, he finally made it, and I was smiling in joy at that fact.
"I know that I am doing a terrible job, and you are probably losing your patience with this whole thing." After Max was telling me this, I was sighing, and felt like I just needed to try and find something to tell him that would make him feel better about what was going on. Even if I had no idea how something like this could have been been possible. But I was not giving a single shit at all.
"To be honest, I think that you are just trying your best. I mean, I think that something like this is more important than anything else." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be telling him right now. What I was wanting to tell him to make any real difference in the first place. I was feeling like I was just going to have to be trying my best to make him feel like I was not attacking him given the situation at all.
"I need you to understand that there are going to be a lot of people who are going to try and join this team though. Remind yourself every time that you feel like you are going to be getting better or worse, that there are still people who are going to be out there who want to join the team. And that trying your best is the only thing that matters." I said, and then I was holding the ball, and then I threw the ball to the hoop, trying to make it seem like I was going to be fine with this whole thing now.
Once I threw the ball, I was just sort of thinking deeply onto what was happening. I was looking right at Max, wondering what I was even wanting to be saying now. "I mean, I just always remind myself that even if I do make the team, I am going to have to be the best that I can in order to show the coach made the right choice on this whole thing." I was telling Max, wondering what the heck he was going to be telling me right now to fight this. Or if he was going to be fine with it all.
"I will try my best to be looking at it like this. I hate this though. The whole thing is just too hard to really understand." After he was saying that to me, I was then seeing him trying to look like he was wanting to not let this bother him as he was throwing the ball right through the hoop, trying to make it look all fine and dandy now. I was feeling like maybe he was going to let this get to his head though. And I was right as the next ball he threw he ended up missing.
"Let me try to see how this whole thing is going to be working. I think that if you want to be doing a better job, maybe you need to try and get in closer. As you go in closer, just tell yourself not to be too worried on this whole thing right now." I said, and then I was taking a couple of steps. When I threw the ball, it ended up working, and there was no sign of anything going on right now. Then I was looking at him, wanting to find something to say now.
"Just try to find a distance that you can not only work, but then you be able to work consistently. Once you get something consistently going, then you just realize that you are too good for this spot. Then you take a couple of steps back, and then you keep working until you are very good at that distance. Just slowly work your best with the distances you have." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was starting to think about what he was going to be saying.
"Alright. Thanks for giving me some ideas on what I should be doing." After he was saying this to me, I gave it another couple of throws and got both of them, feeling like this area was exactly just that. A area that was almost too good for me. Which knowing that this was one thing that I could be telling myself to be better on this.
Then when I was done, I gave him the ball, to be letting him have a chance to go at this. Then he was looking unsure of what to be telling me. Then he was throwing the ball a couple of times, and when they whole thing works, I was seeing him sort of trying a couple of distances. He was trying to find literally any spot that would have worked. As if feeling like maybe he was going to finally have an answer that would change how he was working here.
There are areas that he had some amounts of success, others where he was nowhere even close, and some where he was sort of half way, and I was kind of interested in where he was going to be heading on this route. I was thinking that maybe I just needed to find a way to make him feel like he was finally having an answer to what he had been needing to accomplish with all of this.
"This is going to be taking a while. I think that we will have a lot of stuff that we need to figure out right now." I said, and then I was placing my hand on my head, feeling like there was a lot of stuff that I just needed to try and figure out. I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying to him, to make him feel like there was still a chance. But at that moment, it was hard to even pretend like this was going to work.
"I don't really know what to be feeling right now. I just think that I need to try and maybe come here after school more often. You know, sort of like what you are doing. I feel like I should also not be getting in the way of your practice either. Which is already making me feel kind of bad." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely wanting to say something else now.
"You do not need to be too worried about something like this. I mean, sure sometimes things happen. But I think that you are just going to be too worried about that stuff. I mean, I did literally give you a chance to be just doing what you can here. It is all that matters." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was seeing that Max did not look like he was willing to buy into this whole thing in the fucking slightest at all.
"But if it makes you feel better to not be forced to present yourself to me, and that we go on and do our own thing, then I will see how something like that can work." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to make me feel better. But that this was just going to be the hardest thing that he was going to be able to do here.
"Yeah, I don't know. It might make me feel better. I am going to have to at least consider it for a bit before I say anything else." After he was telling me that, I was seeing him wanting to be finding more to say. But that he was feeling like he was not needing to be saying anything else. He had already expressed his voice enough for me to be able to sort of get it.
"I wish that I could find something that can make you understand that this is not going to be all that big of a deal. But I think that you have probably already made your choice on this, and I can't really get in your way on this anymore." I said, and then I was feeling like what I had said was going to be sort of a tone-deaf statement to be making, and it would not go anywhere at all.
But then I was feeling like I could say something else, and see what we can do to not only get to help each other, but possibly bond as well. I felt like this was the best that we could do right now. "Maybe we can go to my house, and practice a bit there. You know, just to see if we can maybe help each other out here." I said, and then I was seeing him sort of looking like he was willing to maybe give this a try, and see how maybe I could work this out. He then nodded, to give me his approval.
...
-Dec 13 1993 11:00 pm- Once I was the only one who was up that night left, I was seeing that there was a certain amount of just calm clarity in my mind going on in that moment. I was starting to feel like maybe I could be able to find a way to talk with Gabe, and force him to be opening up about this whole thing. Make him feel like there was no way to be getting out of this whole thing. I had felt like maybe when I would be talking with him, he might take it seriously.
Or he and I could be able to brush this whole thing off, and laugh it off as something that is not all that big of a deal, and then we could be able to move on and just sort of act like this whole thing never really happened in the first place. I was feeling like I was just needing to go on and see what I could do to make sure that Gabe knew how I was going to be able to make him feel better. I was wishing to sort of reach out to him though, if that was possible.
But then again, I was feeling like he was going to be safe when he was on his own. I was feeling like something like this was the only thing that really mattered. Making sure that we are going to just sort of come together, and maybe even do something right now. I was just wanting to make sure that even if Gabe were to confront me, nobody else would be confronting him as well. That way the two of us were going to be able to just talk one of one.
I was feeling like when I would reach out to him, and get him to sort of feel like he knew where I was coming from. I was just wanting to make Gabe know that even if he was going to be trying to act like I did not deserve to know anything, that I was not going to be mad at him. I would probably even sort of understand where he was coming from in a way.
That was the only thing that I had felt like would be keeping him thinking that there was some form of a chance to be making the whole discussion actually work out. But then again, I was thinking about what I was doing. I was thinking about what I was going to have to do if I wanted to make Gabe not only tell me, but trust me enough to be going down the path with him. I was feeling like this was going to be the most important path we could be taking now.
Eventually, I was seeing Gabe coming along, and he was looking right at me, and I knew that he was aware that we just needed to be getting this conversation over with. So with that in his mind, and him realizing that not speaking to me was only going to be making things worse, he was sitting down right next to me, and was looking right at me to try and find something else to be saying at that very moment.
"Hey Jack, I know that you are probably wanting to ask a dozen or so questions on what the heck was going on. I would not even blame you if you were to start flooding me with them. That being said, I do feel like you will sort of understand that I am just not wanting to tell you and others because if you were to know the truth, then you would not only feel like it is a part of your job to learn more of the truth, but you will be forcing me to reveal it all." Gabe said, and I was seeing him sort of looking like he was wishing I could see that perspective.
"I just think that there is something that we all need to know. If you are actually wanting to be doing this. Or if you want to finally find a way to tell us what is going on, and then maybe we can be able to actually help you out." I was saying, and he was clearly looking like he was not even wanting to think on what it was going to be like to tell him everything that was going on in a way. I just did not care though.
"I think that what I am doing is the right thing. And as a result, I am still happy with what I am accomplishing. I mean, if you were to know everything that was going on, then I think you will be able to sort of see where I am coming from." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to be finding more to say right now, but he was clearly not wanting to know where I was even going to come from now.
"But what is happening that is making all of this happen anyways? Can you be able to tell me that at least?" I asked, and then he was shaking his head, and I knew that no matter what I was going to be saying, he was not going to be letting me know a damn thing. I had not wanted him to be treating me like a fucking baby. I mean, I was one of the older ones in the family, and I deserved something better than what he was giving me. I knew deep down that I deserved better than this, no matter what he was saying to me to change that idea.
"Jack, you do not know what it is going to be like, and I think that the sooner you accept that, the better that everything is going to be for us. I mean, I do not want you to be feeling like I am just pushing you off. But that being said, I have no choice but to be doing this. I am doing literally everything for your sake, as well as the rest of the family. It is the only thing that I can do. I feel like soon enough, when you are much older, you will get it." As he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to find more to say. But clearly could not find it in himself to be doing such a thing after all.
"I mean, even if you were to try and get some of the clues together, you are still much too young to truly understand why this whole thing matters the most. But I think that maybe we just are going to be going in circles if you do not fully understand what it is like." After he was telling me all of this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something else, but he could not have known what I would have told him here.
"I am sorry if I am annoying you with any of this stuff." I said, and then I was looking at him, as if feeling bad for everything that was going on right now, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to be saying more. But that he was well aware that if he were to try and say something, then I was never going to be able to fully understand what it would have been like in the long run.
"You are not annoying me right now. You are just making me feel a bit worried. I just wish that I would know what to be telling you though. I think that if you want to finally make me feel better, you would just sort of understand that I am going to be doing my best to be bringing this all together for my family. I think that my family is going to be the best motivation that I can have here." After he was telling me this, I saw him looking like he was wishing to keep this all together a bit longer.
"I mean, I don't know what it is like. But I know that I am not going to get it if I were to just try and talk to you. I think that if you wanted to talk with me or anybody else, then you would have done this already." I said, and I was not even meaning this whole thing to drag him to unease. I was just trying to be sounding like I could sort of understand what the heck was happening. But it was a large path to go down now.
"If I were to try and explain it all, you would never be able to get it. And it is no fault of your own. I mean, you're only nine years old. You trying to understand this stuff is always going to be a uphill battle. But the thing is that when and if you understand how important something like this really is, will require you to become much older, and that is not fair for anybody else to be forced into something like that." Gabe said, and then he was shrugging, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying now.
"I mean, I want to try and get some people to really understand why this is so important. But I do not want to be making anybody else be dragged into something that I know is not going to make any fucking difference. I know that this is going to be something that I need to be doing right now on my own. I always need to be cutting you some fucking slack with this." Gabe was just finishing up, and he was clearly looking like he was running out of this to say.
"I mean, when I think about all that is ahead of me, and the large path that is going to be presented to me, all that I can be able to think of is how much I am just going to be working on the way thatI can present my findings to my friends, and not be making them think that I am going crazy." After Gabe was saying this to me, I knew that I was lost, but I knew that this was much more important than me, and I needed to just be quiet.
"But when I find some answers that I feel like you will be able to fully understand, and help me with, then I will be more than willing to be bringing you along with this. I will be more than willing to get some help from you when I feel like I am running out of solutions." After he was telling me this, I did not know how to be feleing about him calling me a last resort. I also did not know if he was basically making me feel bad on purpose.
"I wish that I know what was going on though. Honestly I think that maybe I will just have to see what you are wanting help with. But I do not want to be making things any worse for you though." After I was saying all of this stuff, I was feeling so fucking lost on what to be doing. I wanted to help him out. I needed to help him out.
I did not even care how it was going to be coming along. I was just wishing to be helping him out, and I was feeling like the only way something like this can happen was if I were to basically force him to just tell me more stuff. "Maybe I will show you some time. When I feel like this whole thing is going to be understandable to even me, then I will make the difference that you truly need." After he was done with that, I was seeing him looking at the window to the outside.
"I will probably need to think more about what is going on right now. I just feel like this whole thing is just a bit much to really consider. I think that telling you all of this is already going to be hard for us." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say. But he was just feeling like he was needing to be finding a better long run with what he had been saying. I just wanted to help out my older brother, even if such a thing was impossible.
"I will be needing to head out soon, and I will be doing my own thing. I think that it would be best if you can be on your own, staying here and not seeing me what the heck I am doing right now." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking at the outside window a second time and he was starting to take a bunch of long and deep breaths.
I knew that no matter what was going to be happening, he was going to be sort of just making me feel lost, and his answer was never going to make me feel like I was following what he was trying to accomplish. The entire thing was just a lot to handle, and I wished that I knew how to help him out. I wanted to help him out so much. But I knew that the path to doing such a thing was just going to be fucking impossible in the long run.
I was annoyed with my brother, and I was wishing that he treated me better. I was wishing he would treat me like a normal person, and not somebody who was just going to be getting in the way. Somebody who was nothing more than a fucking liability. But I knew that if I were to tell him this, he was going to be annoyed with my response, and hate what I would tell him.
"Jack, I am so sorry for everything. I know that this is something that you just want to do to make me feel like there are other options, but I think that the only option that matters is just making sure that nothing gets any worse." Gabe was shaking his head, feeling like there was just no need to be saying anyhing else, and I was feeling like he was sort of taking advantage of me in his own way, as much as I hated this whole thing.
Eventually, there was a car that was coming along, and I was feeling like this car was the thing that Gabe was needing to deal with. He was sighing, and looked right at me, and I was seeing him sort of looking like he was just wishing to be getting this over with. Like that no matter what was happening, the way of getting through this was all that mattered. He winked at me, feeling better for what was going on right now.
Once he was walking out of the house, I was starting to following him a bit more, and that was when he was looking like he was just not wanting to deal with this from me. I was seeing him looking like there was a mild amount of anger with what I was doing. I was feeling like this had been one of the worst choices that I had ever made. But I did not fucking know what to be doing at this rate. But then he was looking like he knew what was happening.
As he was at the door, I was seeing him looking like he was clearly just wanting to get this whole fucking thing over with. That getting this done with was the only thing that he could possibly want to do. Then with that, he was placing his hand on the door, and I knew that he just needed to get it over with. I knew that I needed to join him, even if he hated it.
...
-Dec 14 1993 1:00 am- Once the guy in the car was done with whatever the hell he was doing, and I was wondering what was taking them so damn long, I was seeing them slowly come to the door, and when I was seeing this happen, that was when there was a look on Gabe's face, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was just wanting to find something to be making this whole thing just come together much better.
I was seeing that Gabe was just looking like he was needing to accept the fact that I was here, and that I just needed to be quiet about what I was doing, for our sake. And when I was aware of what was going on, for once I was not going to be fighting him on this. I was just wanting to find something to do to change the way that this was going to be done. I knew how serious this was. Just the way that Gabe was acting was making it totally obvious.
I was worried about what he would be telling me if I went crazy with this. If I were to try and say something else to help the whole situation go by easier. Then he was looking right at me, just shaking his head, as if feeling bad about something, or hating what I was doing for some reason. I knew either way that this was going to be a big deal.
I was then seeing him open the door before the guy could even dare knock and wake the entire family up. As he was doing this, I was seeing him looking at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say to make a big difference on what was going on. "Hello, I was wondering if you were going to be up at this time, given the fact that there is some schooling that I know you would be getting ready for." After he was saying this to Gabe, I was seeing him pretending like he was not really caring about me.
When he was looking right at Gabe, and looking like he was being very calm and focused on this whole thing, I was seeing Gabe looking like he was very focused on what was going on, and that this was going to finally just be the best that we could accomplish at this whole thing. "Well, I am here, and I was wanting to see if maybe we could be able to talk with each other for a bit." Gabe said, and I was seeing him looking like the mere idea of this was just awful for him to even consider now.
"I think that your younger brother should be coming along with us. To make sure that he does not tell anybody what is going on here." The guy was telling Gabe, looking right at me, and I was seeing that there was a look of pure malice in his eyes, and I could not be able to mistake that look even when I was that young, and for once, I was wishing that I truly did listen to my older brother on this regard, and not fight him on this.
"I think that this might not be a good idea. He's only nine after all, and I think that he is too young to really get it." Gabe was saying, and then he was looking at the guy, as if feeling like this was something that he was not going to be fucking with at all, and that if this man even dared bring me along, then he was going to be making that man feel like he made a giant mistake, and needed to pay for his actions.
"If we let him stay here, and just stand around, and not be made aware of what he is doing, then I think that you will never be able to get away with this. He is going to be coming, and that is all that there is nothing that you are going to be able to do about it." The guy was telling Gabe, and placed his hand on his Gabe's chest, and I was seeing him looking really fucking angry about this. I knew that if this man did not stop, he was going to make Gabe show that man he would regret it.
"This is something that I am going to be really serious on right now. I can't be messing around with this right now. That being said, if you feel like there is no other option but to be bringing him along, then I guess that I can tell him. But there is one condition that I will be needing you to follow through on, with no fucking exceptions." Gabe was telling that guy, and that he was seeing the man looking almost a bit worried about the way he was talking with Gabe.
"He is just going to be in the car. That is all that there is going to be to it. Once you get him along, he will stay here, and be safe." Gabe was telling that man, and he was looking like this was the bare minimum he will be accepting from this. Considering the look on Gabe's face, and the serious term that he had been showing here, I could clearly tell that even the man did not want to be messing with Gabe on this whole thing at all. As if even he knew better.
"Fine. If that is what you are wanting, then I think that maybe we can be able to make something work out here with this. I just think that this is going to be a big mistake if you go further with this." That was when I was seeing the guy looking at me, and I was clearly seeing him looking like he was wishing to be saying something else. Then he was sighing, clearly not wanting to be arguing at all, and not wanting to be making things any worse now.
With that, this was when Gabe was sort of sighing, and he was walking right towards me, and I was feeling like I was going to need to be ready for whatever Gabe was going to be telling me. Once he was going to be telling me whatever was on his mind, and whatever the plan was, I was going to pretend like this whole thing was not really happening. But I was clearly aware of what was actually happening right now.
Eventually, he was getting on his knees, and looking right at me, and he was clearly looking like he was not wanting to be doing this right now. This was the scariest thing that I had been through in my nine years of life. Not that high of a bar, but I honestly did not care at all on this whole thing.
"Jack, you are going to have to be joining me this time. I really wish that you did not come along with me, and that you did not get in my business on this. I think that you will eventually know that at the end, I was really doing this for the best. And maybe there is nothing that I can do about it. But I feel so sorry right now." Gabe was telling me, feeling like he was just needing to be finding something to make me feel different. But had no idea what was to be saying now.
As I was looking at him, I was truly scared, and I was finally feeling like I should have been listening to Gabe for once in my entire life. I felt like being stubborn is the only thing that is going to be changing how everything was going to be fucking working. But I was feeling like this whole thing was just a bit strange.
"Gabe, can you please be able to get me out of this? I promise that I will never tell anybody or anything. I know now how wrong I was to be getting myself into something that was none of my business." I said, and I was truly meaning what I had been saying to him. I was wanting to be getting out of this, no matter what it was going to take. I wanted nothing to do with this, and I was willing to admit that this was a huge mistake that I had made right now.
"I think that there is simply going to be no way you will be able to get out of this one. But please, in the future, remember the exact thing you just told me... Do not tell anybody what is going on. Under any situation, you can not tell anybody what you are seeing right now." Gabe was looking like he was meaning every word of what he was saying, and after all that was going on, I did not dare to fight him on this whole thing, and I was going to finally be a good brother for once in my entire life here.
"I will never tell anybody. I will keep everything quiet. Just keep me safe in that car." I said, and then I was seeing Gabe nodding, as if well aware of that whole thing, and how he was going to be making it very clear that this was the one fucking way he was going to be allowing any of this shit to be going down now. I was seeing that he was feeling like that if he could accomplish even a single damn thing, it would be that of all ordeals.
"Please, I do not want anything to be happening to me, and I made a big mistake." After I was saying this, I meant every single word of what I was saying here, and then Gabe was holding up his hands, as if making it very clear to me that this was going to be something that he was going to be making very clear to everybody who we were going to meet at the long run.
"Trust me, this is the least that I can be doing." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him sighing a bit, and then he was standing up, and he was looking right at the man who was on the other side, as if feeling like this was what he had been able to do, and that he had made his point enough now.
Once we were near the guy again, I was looking at the man who was probably going to be my main enemy. As he was looking at me, I was seeing him looking like he would dare want to say that he was not impressed with the way that he was looking at me, and then he was feeling like maybe we were going to have a long way to go before we could be able to look at me as being a success in his eyes.
"Alright, now that we have made our point, and we are all aware of the rules of how this is going to be working, let's just get the hell out of here, and not waste any of our time right now." The man was saying to us, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying something else. But that he was not going to even dare risk it in fear of royally pissing off Gabe, and that he knew that even he was not going to be getting himself out of this well.
Once we were out of the house, for the first time in my short life, I was truly thinking that there was a chance that I was not going to survive. For the first time, I was feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life. But at the same time, I had wished that I could have found something to do to make it all different in the long run. I was feeling like the less I talked, the more I had a chance to possibly survive this.
I was terrified, and I knew that nothing my brother would be doing would have made any of this better for us in the long run. I had wished that maybe I could have found something that made Gabe feel like he would be able to get us out of this. But I knew he was going to be safe. I knew that nothing else fucking mattered. I knew that I needed to change the way I was going at this, for the sake of showing everybody that I was not scared of anything else.
But in a way, I was wondering who I would be fooling if I were to do something like this. I knew that I was not going to be fooling a damn person in this fucking world. And that I was going to just have to be more open about what was happening now. I was needing to change my presentation, to finally make it seem like I was never going to be making anybody who was not involved feel like they had no choice but to moderate me.
Once in his car, that was when the guy was starting up his engine and I was seeing him looking like he was feeling a little bit better about forcing us into this. That he was truly thinking that maybe he could change me. That he could get me to be a product of their wishes. That I was going to mend into a monster in his own creation. I hated it. But I knew it was possible now.
I knew that one of these days, I had to make my brothers proud, but until then, mere survival between Gabe and I was the only thing that mattered at all. I was in the car, and then Gabe was in the passenger seat, and he was shaking his head, as if accepting how rough this would have been if we were not careful, and I was seeing him sort of looking like he was willing to accept any fucking fate that we were going to be going on through now.
"Now that we are here, I am going to be making some things very clear to you guys right now. I do not give a damn if you guys talk with each other about what is going on. That is totally allowed. But if even a single soul outside of your two find out, my workers and I will make sure that these people will not be living to see another day." After he had said that to us, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing that his message was across. Looking at him, and seeing the look on his face, I knew that he was serious, and I knew that I better be taking this very seriously.
"We got the message loud and clear. I will make sure that nobody knows of what is happening." Gabe said, and I was not sure if he was just saying that as a poker face, or if he was meaning what he had told this man. I was seeing him looking like he was just sort of wishing that none of this ever happened. That he had been able to get out of this alive, and not only alive, but get out of it well. But that was clearly not happening.
Eventually, the guy was just nodding, as if feeling like he was glad that his point was made, and that he was not going to be dealing with people who would be pretending like they were above him. "Alright, let's get right to business. I will finally just bring you guys there, and we will be getting right to business." After he had said that to us, I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like there was almost something useless out of dragging this whole thing out.
He was starting his car up, and he was driving along for as long as possible. The longer that he was driving, the more scared that I was. And the more that I regretted even pretending like I was going to be the big damn hero. And I was feeling like this was just the biggest mistake that I had been making, or could ever make out of this entire thing.
As we were driving along, that was when the driver was clearly looking like he was wanting to possibly lighten up the subject a bit. To make it seem like none of the three of us were going to be getting close to our deaths in a way. "Well, I am kind of curious, how is your family doing?" He asked, and was looking at Gabe, almost as if he was regretting this job, and was wanting to make it at least peaceful at the end.
"They seem to be doing alright. I mean, I have not dared tell them what I have been doing. I mean, I value their trust, but I value our lives more as well." Gabe said, and then he was shaking his head, shrugging, and I was feeling like whatever he was not telling us was going to be sort of the biggest deal of our lives. But then he continued, not even giving either of us more than a couple of seconds to react.
"Honestly though, I am proud of how my younger siblings are doing. I mean it. I mean, they are going on and actually being proud of themselves. I mean, my brother Seth gave a decent show, and he was feeling on top of the world the entire time that he was doing this. Jack over there is trying to get on the sports team, and he is seeming to really enjoy how he is doing. I just wish that I was like that when I was their age." Gabe said, and then I was feeling like there was nothing that I could be saying to this whole thing, and that I just needed to let him talk now.
"I remember when I was your guys age, and I never really did something with my life. At least you guys seem like you are onto something that you like as well. And I am not going to be making anything like that get worse. I mean, I feel like when you are on there, and I see you with your siblings, on events, I know you care." The guy was saying, and then he was feeling like he was wishing to be saying more to make me feel better .
"I mean, I wish that I went out of my way to be in better terms with my family. But that is just not happening. Even pretending like it can happen is just going to be a waste of time." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something else. I was wishing that I would be able to make my family feel better. But I was seeing that maybe Gabe was just unsure of what to be feeling now.
"I mean, I just wish that I want to have some form of knowledge on how they are able to be without me, but I feel like something like this might be fucking impossible." Gabe said, and I was looking right at the window, trying to pretend like I was not there, since with the way they were talking, I was aware that they were going to be like this as well. So I was not even going to entertain the idea that I should be talking with them.
I was feeling like maybe I needed to be working on something else now. "Well, I think that maybe they will not have to deal with that for a while. The longer that you seem to not be making a issue out of this, the better that it is going to be for all of us, and the more likely that it will be that you do not need to be saying anything to your siblings." The guy was telling Gabe, and then I was looking at him, and I was wishing I could be able to find something else to keep my mind on, to make it seem like I was not at all bothered on this.
Eventually, we were seeing the car parked somewhere remote and desolate, and I was unsure of what the hell to be saying now. I had no idea what the hell was even happening now. I was feeling like we just needed to find something else to be keeping this whole thing together. Then after this, that was when the guy and Gabe were taking off their seat belts, and I was glad to not be coming along for once. For once, I had been fully aware that this was the right choice.
Then Gabe looked right at me, and I was clearly seeing him looking like he was just feeling awful for all of this, and that he was wishing to be finding something to make us feel better on this. "Honestly, I think that it would be best to just stay here, and not be making it all come get even worse." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be saying something else. But that he was just sort of accepting the fact that this was just going to be a big issue that we were going to get over in the long run.
Eventually, that was when the two guys were walking away, and I was feeling like I was going to be fine. I was just rubbing my eyes, and I was feeling like I needed to just try and sleep at this moment. As I was heading to sleep, to just pretend like this was all fine, I knew that if our parents saw what was happening, they would be pissed at Gabe, and I did not want to be getting him in trouble for any of what was going on at all as well.
...
-Dec 14 1993 11:40 pm- When I was getting ready to be going to be dthat night, I was realizing how overboard I had gotten in the last several days, and I was now totally willing to be letting my brother doing my own thing. I was in no mood to be dealing with this stuff anymore. I was in no mood to be trying to make my brother tell me shit. He was not wanting to do this. I was not wanting him to be doing this now. I was fucking over it, and that was the easiest way that I could describe it all.
But as I was planning on going to bed, I was seeing that Lydia was talking with somebody, and I was greatly interested in who this person was, and I was feeling like I just needed to see who this person was, and maybe when I would get to see her, I would be able to see what the appeal really was. "Hey Lydia, who are you hanging out with right now?" I asked, trying to be making it seem innocent enough. That was when Lydia was looking right at me, and she was clearly unsure of what to be telling me now.
"This is Claire. I met her today, and she is so cool already. I think you guys will love her." After Lydia was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking so damn happy at this whole thing, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to give this Claire girl a chance. If Lydia was willing to be hyping her up this much already, and making her feel better, I was feeling this was the least that I could be doing now
"Hey Jack, I saw you at school before. But I guess that you were always too busy being super popular doing your own thing." After Claire was saying this to me, I was looking right at Lydia, as if wondering what the heck she told Claire to be giving Claire this impression of me being super popular in a way. I did not want to be saying anything though. I was then sighing, feeling like I just needed to relax a bit longer.
"Alright, I think that you need to be a lot more realistic on what you are saying about me. There is nothing amazing about me at all." After I was saying this to her, I was looking right at her, and I was seeing Claire looking like this statement was not going to be bothering her too much. I was sighing, feeling like I was just needing to be finding a way to be making her feel like this was not the case. Since I did not want to be making her feel like she needed to live up to a fake name.
That was when there was a second part of me that was wanting to also take advantage of what she was saying about me. The fact that she was hyping me up as this super awesome person. I was feeling like maybe I was needing to be finding a way to actually make this seem to be totally real here.
"Yeah, I mean, I want to be super popular, and I guess that maybe for some people that are younger than me, I am totally going above and beyond this." I said, and then I was smiling at this, and I was looking like I was sort of wanting to be making it look like she was going to fall for me or something like that. To make it seem like I finally knew where this was actually going to head.
You are one of the coolest people in my eyes. All the times that you are going all out, and getting so good at basketball." After she was saying that to me, I was feeling like maybe she was pushing this a little bit beyond my comfort. That being said, I did not care. I was having a chance to get to know her or something like that at least, and I was feeling like maybe this was finally something that would make this whole thing at least sort of work out for the best.
"Well, I am wanting to make it onto the team, and I am just making it so that I can get there. I am willing to go above and beyond to make sure that the team works out well with me and stuff." I said, and then I was looking at Claire, seeing her sort of looking like she was feeling like I was doing a decent job. No matter how much she was not sure what to be feeling, I was seeing her wanting to be finding a bit more to keep it all up.
"I think that once I get in the team, everything is going to be the best for us all." I said, and then I was placing my arms together, sort of looking like I was now on top of the world. I was seeing her sort of looking like she was wanting to find something else to say. But she was just wanting to see how far she would be able to me on this whole thing, for better or for worse.
"If you want to watch some games, I will be fine with that. But first I will have to be making it on the team." I said, and then I was seeing Claire looking like this was the one thing that she was wanting more than anything else in the entire world. But then as I was looking at her, I was seeing her sort of looking like she was wishing to be finding something else to say, to make it seem like it was not going out of the water.
"That would be so much fun. I would love to be seeing you win us some good games. Our school needs some extra motivation to go above and beyond." Claire was telling me, and while it was feeling like there was some form of a pressure put onto me, I was feeling like this was the best that I could be doing. I was feeling like I just needed to finally remember what she was saying in my mind. I was looking down, wanting to be finding something else to say. I was feeling like I had a long way to be going now. I was then looking at Lydia and Claire, feeling like this was not only something I wanted. But something I needed. At least for now, this was going to be my calling. It was going to be the thing that would make me feel like I am doing something good. To make these girls feel like I am a hero now.]
...
-Dec 15 1993 1:15 am- I was walking along to my room, when I was seeing Gabe coming towards me. When he was seeing me, I was looking at him, and I was clearly able to tell that both of us were clearly just not wanting to talk about this at all. I was feeling like this was going to be the hardest thing in my entire life. I was feeling like I just needed to go on and get this whole thing over with it.
"Hey Jack, I think that maybe we need to talk about this whole thing a bit longer. I think that there are a lot of things that we need to discuss, because I think that you got yourself deep into something that I never really wished that could be done." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking terrified right now. I was seeing him looking like he had just wanted to make me feel better. But at this point in time, I felt like this was the only chance that I had to make some sense out of this whole entire thing.
"I don't want anything to do with this right now. I think that if I were to even try and follow along with this whole thing, I would be making things so much worse." I said, and then I was looking at him, trying to be finding something to make me feel better about whatever the heck was going on at this point in time. I was just wishing that I could have made him better about what we were even going to do now.
"I know that you were going to be saying that. And it honestly makes me feel so much better that you are willing to admit that this whole thing was a bit ridiculous." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking at me, as if feeling like he was almost feeling a small amount of remorse for me, and was wanting to possibly make this whole thing work. We sat down on the kitchen chairs, looking at each other deeply.
"Well, it started when Ridge was first brought home. That feels so long ago already, even though it's only been about three weeks. When he was first brought home, things were just sort of normal, and nothing else really mattered in the long run. But that being said, I was forced to deal with something life changing, as you may be expecting. I was going to hang out with a friend when this happened." Gabe said, and then he was wondering what to be telling me now, how he was going to word it.
"The truth was that I was wanting to help you guys out by searching for some answer. I was learning that when I pursued some form of a light, that the light was pretty much going to be leading me to be aware of the fact that everything that my parents had told me were true. All of the stuff that is basically folk tale in this town." Gabe said, and I was confused as to why he was meaning any of this right now.
"Gabe, what exactly are you talking about? This whole thing is making no damn sense right now. Can you just tell me what you are meaning?" I asked, and then I was looking right at Gabe, wondering what the heck he was going to be coming from. I was feeling like knowing where he was coming from was much more important than anything else at the moment.
"Well, you were much too young, but in eighty six, there was a bunch of monster attacks that were going on. I did not think that they were literally monsters at first, even though there was no need for me to thinking these were not true. The only reason that I was feeling like this could not have been the case was because I was too scared to admit that something I thought could not have been true, was coming up here." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to find more to say, but had no clue where to be going now.
"What type of monster attacks? And what the hell does this have to do with the guys who are being really annoying and getting in your business on a non stop business?" I asked, feeling like I just needed to find some answer to be making this whole thing actually have some form of sense. None of this was making any sense, and I was not going to be hiding the fact that this was just really confusing me. And I needed to just know what to do now.
"Well, I can see why this could confuse you, and that was exactly what I was meaning about you being much too young, and it is not your fault at all. But the truth of the matter is that the reason those people are getting in my business is that they are directly connected to all of those sightings. Even if that sounds like it makes no sense." Gabe was telling me, and then he was looking like he was wishing to find something else to say to make sense of it.
"So basically it turns out that non natural life exists, and these people think that this is a good excuse to be getting in the business of our lives, and acting like they know better than we do on what we should be trying to do?" I asked, and I was getting kind of annoyed. Not at Gabe, since he was not the one running this whole thing. But the fact that these guys were basically acting like they were the ones who were going to be running the show in the long run.
"You see, in idea format, there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. I mean, they are just thinking that maybe helping out the town is the best that they can do, since they have no real clue what else to be doing here." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But that if he was wanting to say something else, I was just needing to try and get him to be more willing to give him a chance on this all.
"But do you think that he is going to be forcing you to let them know what you found? Is what you found genuinely important?" I was asking, letting the fear of god sort of get in my mind, and I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to be making this whole thing not get to me all that much. I was needing to know that my brother would be doing whatever it took to make sure we were going to be fine.
"They have been trying to get to know every single detail so far, and they want to make me give them the one thing that I can be able to use to defend myself, and as a result, defend the family. They do not realize how important something like this is, and as a result, they are never going to be fully supporting me for what I am trying to accomplish." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking terrified on what he was telling me, for some strange reason.
"Gabe, what exactly are you talking about? Can you please tell me what the heck is going on?" I asked, and I was barely holding my fear together, and I was wanting to make him finally open up more. But then he was just feeling like this was just the one thing that he had never wanted to discuss, and that he was feeling like this was entirely his fault for bringing me into this whole thing in the first place.
"I know that you would not believe me even if I were to try and tell you anyways. I mean, I want to tell you guys. But if I let you see this, and I let you have this, then I know for a fact that you will be letting the truth get in your mind. You will be going over the top on what the heck is going on. I am doing everything for your safety." Gabe was telling me, and when I was looking at him, I was seeing him being sincere about what he had been saying to me now.
"But do you think that everything you are doing is for the best?" I was asking him, and I was seeing him looking like he had not even wanted to be continuing this, and then I was standing up, placing my hands on my sides of my chest, and I was looking right at him. I was trying my best to be looking like I was going to be intimidating for his sake.
"The guy said he was going to be letting us talk with each other about it? Why are you going out of your way to not be letting me know the truth? I mean, he did say that we are not to spread a word about this to anybody else. But please just let me know what I can do to help out." I was holding my hands forward, and I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say, to change how he was going to be looking at me here.
"Because I am scared that you are going to be telling everybody. I mean, I have nothing against you. But even if I told you everything, I am scared that the rest of the family will hear on this, and will try to be forcing us to tell them what is happening here." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say, but was totally looking lost on what was going on.
"Look, I aware that this whole thing might be a bit strange. I think that you have every right to just tell me that I am unable to do something on the same league as you. But I feel like I need to at least try and make this whole thing work out as much as possible. I think that you are going to probably tell me that there is no real reaosn to believe that I can accomplish anything. I just want to help out in any way that I can." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be even saying at this point in time.
"This is just something that I genuinely need to be thinking about more before I make a choice. I mean, I want to trust you enough. I want to trust you better. I feel like that is all that I want. But I feel like for the sake of helping our family, I sort of need to be doing whatever I can to make this whole thing better for us." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was in mental pain given what was even going on right now at that moment.
"I just think that the best that I can be able to do is keep my friends aware of what is happening. I already have been working on this before, so I doubt that they are going to be making a big deal out of this right now." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say, to keep him going. But he was clearly looking like he was just wanting to be leaving the whole thing alone for the time being.
"But Gabe, the man told us not to be telling anybody else this. You go around, and tell me that I have no right to be telling anybody, but then here you are, going around, and telling your friends as if nothing was wrong at all." I said, and then I was looking right at my brother, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to be saying more. He was clearly looking worried about the way that I was going to be reacting right now. But the way that he was looking at me was clearly showing that he had no idea what to be feeling right now at that moment.
"I already was working with them before he even met me. I think that this whole thing is much different. The fucking guy was coming along later, and I had already brought them into this whole thing, and I trust them because I have been working on this whole thing a bit longer." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was scared out of his mind, wanting to be finding something else to say, but clearly had no idea what the heck was going on now.
"Do you think that they even support what you are doing? I think that something like this is much more important. You go on and talk about what is important, but then you fucking talk with people who might not even be on your side." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was feeling a bit bad at this whole thing. Like he had wanted to be saying more. But just could not find a fucking way to do something like this at all.
"I know that they have some issues with what I am doing. But they know that I am meaning well, and that I am doing the best that I can. They know that I am having decent intentions, and that is the main reason they have been working with me in the first place." He was telling me, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but just felt like it did not even fucking matter what was going on anymore.
"I want to know if you are aware what you are getting yourself into. I feel like there are a lot of things about this that are making me feel like this is a terrible idea." I had been saying, shaking my head non stop, feeling like I was just needing to be finding something else to say. Something to sort of make it clear that I was not going to be messing around with this whole situation. Gabe was just rubbing his eyes a bit more.
"I am aware of what is going on right now. I think that when I am thinking about how aware that I am, the whole thing is just a bit scary. The whole fact that I got myself into a ordeal that I never wanted to even consider to be possible, and have been pretty much forced to lie to you guys, makes me feel like a fucking piece of shit." Gabe was saying to me, and I was seeing him wanting to say more to deface himself. But he was feeling like if he had done more, his entire point would have been made already.
"I am sorry that I have been saying all of this stuff to you right now. I mean, I can see from the look on your face that you are not super excited to be dealing with this. I know that I should be giving you more of a break. I want to feel better here. I just feel like I need to know if you have any plans here." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was just wishing to be finding more to continue this debate, or if he was kind of over with this whole thing now.
"I want to do something good for once in my entire life. I mean, that is all that I want. To finally just do something that I feel like is going to show people that I want to do something good. I feel like when I think about all of the solutions, I feel like I just have done nothing right." Gabe was saying, clearly looking sad over everything he was saying, and over it all.
After Gabe was shaking his head, and then he was wanting to just say something to make me feel better, I was feeling like he was going to be near his breaking point. I wanted to make him feel better. Doing that would have made him clearly just be tired of me, and I was clearly wanting him to not be feeling like this was just pushing him too far on this.
"Sorry for everything. I honestly mean that. The way that I act, and the way that I treat you guys is a bit rude. I know that you are not going to be feeling any different by me saying this. But I just wish that I could have said more. But you know, I want you to feel like you can trust me. After all, I am still your older brother. I want you to feel like you can see me as the trusting brother who does not do anything wrong." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him wishing to say something else. But he was wishing that the longer he was speaking, the worse that he was feeling here.
"You do not need to worry about it. I mean, even if you lying to me pissed me off, even if it makes me feel like you do not care, I know that you are just trying your best to help. I know that you do care, and that you want to just make sure that we are doing well." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying to him now. He was wishing to finding more to say to change this now.
I was feeling like one of these days, I was needing to be more careful on what I was going to be speaking to him over. "Hey Gabe, trust me when I do say that I do not want to let anybody else know about this. I think that if I can give you one sweet mercy, it is that. I do not want to make everybody else know what is happening here." I said, and then I was seeing him wishing to find more to keep me going. But then he was just sort of feeling like we were both getting worse, and that this was hurting both of us too much in a way.
"I wish that none of this ever happened. That is the only thing that I can be able to say right now. If none of this ever happened, everything could be so much better. Everything about this family would be coming together to finally work out in our favor." He was saying, and then he was glancing at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was just feeling like we were all good and fine now, and then we needed to see what was happening now.
We hugged each other, and after we were done with that, that was when I went down stairs, and I was looking right at Gabe as he was going to his room. I was sighing in relief, knowing that he was still trusting me in his own way. I was feeling like this was the only thing that can change how it was all going to work. But he was off on his own, and there was not a fucking thing that he could do about this. And I was feeling like I just needed to grow up, and let him be doing his own thing. I needed to get on the team, and let that be the one thing that can keep me focused on just improving my fucking life though.
...
-Dec 15 1993 3:09 pm- I was seeing Max after school, and I was doing my best to be putting everything from last night behind me. I was over this shit, and I was wanting to place this whole thing behind me, and I was tired of it all. I was wanting to make her feel better, Claire I mean, since she was clearly just wanting to make me feel like I had been going on top of the world and stuff. I just feel like I need to finally bring it all together.
I was then looking at him, wondering what the heck to say to that man. "Honestly, I mean, she means well and stuff, but I feel like I am going to be letting her down here. I feel like I made a big mistake by telling her all of this stuff, and I feel like I should have been more honest with her on what was going on here, and then we would be able to make this come together better." I was saying, and then I was wondering what the heck we were going to be doing now.
"I think that as long as you have somebody who is a fan of you, then I think you need to just be happy that at least somebody cares about you." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wished to be finding something to make him feel like he was able to see what the issue to all of this would have been. The whole thing was just a bit hard to really comprehend, for better or for worse.
"I think that now I have no choice but to be making it onto the team. I mean, after everything that had been going on, I feel like this is the least that I can be able to do about this whole thing. I think that no matter what I have ahead of me, I am going to have to be going above and beyond, and just make it fucking work." I said, and then I was just sort of feeling like I was going to be gone now.
"Honestly, I think that you are probably thinking a bit too deeply into this whole thing. I think that you are just needing to think about how you are even going to be making this whole application even come together." After he was telling me this, I was looking at Max, and I was seeing him sort of wanting to be finding more to say. But I was seeing him just clearly wishing to find something else to say.
I was grabbing the basketball and then I was holding it for a couple of seconds. "I would rather be doing that than dealing with my annoying older brother. You know, somebody who has basically been going behind our backs non stop." I was saying, and then I was feeling like I just needed to be getting through with this, no matter what was happening. That was when Max was looking like he was just a bit confused at this entire thing.
"What has your older brother been doing to piss you off so badly?" He asked, and I was seeing him looking like he was slightly worried on what I was meaning, and I was seeing that there was a part of him that was looking like he was wanting to be making me feel better. But he was feeling like he was just needing to see what the heck I was going to be able to do to make this whole thing actually come together.
"He has been doing too much for me to really even describe." I said, and then I was shaking my head, sort of remembering the fucking conversation, and was needing to remember the fucking promise that I had made. I mean, I wanted to know the truth from my brother. But the thing is that I needed to keep my fuck ing friends or family out of this. At least, for the time being, I needed to remember the issues that were ahead of me.
"I am just thinking that if he wants to talk with us, and try and get to know what we are doing, then everybody is going to be sort of feeling like he had pushed it too far, and that he has made the wrong choices." I said, throwing the ball through the hoop, and then I was seeing the ball going down to the ground, and I did it a couple of more times before I was looking right at Max, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying to him now.
"I just think that maybe he will be fine enough. I think that you do not need to worry about any of this." After Max was telling me that, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But he was grabbing the ball after I was holding it out to him, and I was seeing him looking unsure of what he was going to perform at this rate. Then I was seeing him looking a bit scared of how to be feeling, and that he just needed to give it a try.
Eventually, he was taking a deep breath, and then he threw it, and while he did miss, he was actually hitting the hoop at least. Which meant that he was getting better at this whole thing, and he was clearly at least trying to make it all better for us and stuff. After Max was done with all of this, I was feeling like I just needed to find something to make him feel like he was not only actually improving, but that he was not even really wrong about the way he was going at this.
Eventually, I was seeing him waiting for a couple of seconds, and then he was sighing a bit longer, and then he was throwing the ball again, and it took another try after that, but on the fourth attempt he did make it. Then he had the luck of getting a second attempt that did make it. Then I was grabbing the ball again, and I was starting to throw it more again to improve once more. "Honestly, I think that you are getting better, and while I think you do have some stuff you can be able to do to make it better, I think that you are getting something going now." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what he was going to be telling me now.
"I think that if I were to talk to my brother again, like I did last night, he would just reject the idea, and I was feeling like he was needing to be more open with me. He was clearly not wanting to do something like that. He does not care for our family, and I think that he is just on his own path now." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to put together something else to make it all come together.
"I mean, I think that you should just focus on the team. I mean, if you think more and more about your family, I feel like you will be feeling sort of betrayed on this whole thing. I mean, I am not too smart, but I think that I am smart enough to see the look on your face in the long run." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be saying more. But he was just worried on what the hell I was even having ahead of me now.
"I know that the longer I think about my family, the more likely that I am going to be just fucking sick of them. I mean, I know that they deserve some form of a chance, to be doing their own thing. But a detail or two every once in a while would not be so bad." I said, sort of feeling like I was needing to find something else to make it look like I was not being able to make it seem like it was all that big of a deal here.
"Is this why you are always trying to get on the team in the first place? I mean, the team is something that you always look like you are really interested in. But the truth is that you are always down there, and stay here for like almost two hours a day." After Max was asking me this, I was seeing the look on his face looking like he was just needing to see me break, and be honest over what was going on. I was thinking on it longer here.
"The thing is that when I am here, the longer that I will feel at peace. I never thought that being at school, well the after school practice bit, is the main thing that makes me feel calm and quiet. Always having something going on all the time is just a bit annoying some times, and I wish that I could just be able to express my worry for my family every once in a while." I said, and then I was looking at Max, feeling like he was going to refuse to understand what I was meaning here.
Eventually, I was looking right at Max, feeling like I was just needing to be finding something else to say to make him feel like I was not too focused on making this whole thing much worse in the long run. "Hey Max, what makes you stay around anyways? I mean, I already gave my reason, but you just seem to stay around, and be cool with this." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something to say to make it seem genuine.
"Honestly, I just like being here to try and practice, and if I make it onto the team, then I feel like I need to find a way to be getting up on stage, and showing the team that I am able to handle myself." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something better to say, but did not really have any good response to my question I asked him now.
"I want to find a way to make the team, and then once I am on the team, I might be a bot more relaxed on this, but I will be chill with what I am doing then. Because there will be no point in taking this whole thing too seriously." After Max said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but just could not really even find a way to make it work out.
"I will think that it is going to be kind of cool if I go up and actually get on the team as well. I mean, the team is something that I really want more than anything else in the world. But in all honesty, I just think that I will have to be focusing on winning these games, since if I can win a game or two, then everybody will fucking love me, and I will be getting up there more." I said, and then I was thinking on what it would be like to be the fucking most popular person in the team, and there fore become the star that Claire was wanting me to be, and then I would fit the narrative.
"I mean, I know nothing about that girl, but she clearly thinks that I am something better than I am. And I feel like I might be needing to finally go on and prove that idea a bit more. I think that I will just need to go up there, and prove to people that I know what the heck I am doing, and I will be able to make the team like me, and then Claire will spread the stories about me." I said, and then I was wondering why I was caring so much what Claire was thinking of me here.
"Do you have any idea on what she will be telling people when you go up there?" Max asked me, and I was seeing him looking like he was seeming to have some minor interest in this stuff, but I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to make him sort of see where I was coming from in the long run. I was then thinking about how much I was speaking to him on this whole thing, and why I was actually trying to be reaching out to him in the long run to this extent.
"I think that she will just tell the people in her grade what is going on, and some might be taking this seriously. I want to become the man that the school can hope on. I mean, I am being silly. I know that I am being silly. But I feel like I am finally going to be having a chance, and I feel like that is the only thing that really matters." I said, and then I was thinking about what I was doing as I landed another couple of throws, feeling like maybe I was just needing to find more to keep it together, and not make things any worse for me.
"I just wish that I am able to make people get you on the team. Maybe when you get on the team, I will at least have somebody at my side will be able to make this less stressful. I mean, sure you might not be the guy that everybody loves on the team, but I think you might be able to make it at least sort of interesting right now." I said, and then I was sort of wondering what the heck he was going to be saying to me there. I was feeling like he was wanting to say more, but he was wishing to find something else to tell me to make it different.
"I think that something like this might not really be possible. You know, I think that I am going to have to just see that I am probably not going to be getting on it. Who knows, there might be one or two people who are just even worse than me to make it all work out." After Max was saying all of that to me, I was seeing him wanting to be not
"I just want to make the greatest I can out of my team, and my time in this school. I mean, I really don't want to finish up my time at school, and then feel like I sort of wasted it away. I feel like first and second grades were kind of wasted, and I feel like when I am here, and I am at least trying to do something, that I don't really feel like I am making a huge mistake here." I was saying, feeling like I needed to just find something else to say to make it better.
"I mean, when I go to school, and then see my other siblings doing so much better than me, I feel like everything is just going to be thrown away." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be finding something different here. I was feeling like no matter what the heck I was going to say, nothing else would matter at all. I was wishing to be able to make Max sort of see where I was coming from in this whole thing.
"Well, I mean, you are hanging out with people who seem to be fine with you. I think that this is fine enough for now. You do not need to be worried about something like this too badly." After I was seeing Max telling me this, I was sort of looking at him, and I was just sort of wanting to be finding something else to tell him. I was worried about what the heck was even going on. I was feeling like nothing else even mattered.
"I know that I could be having it much worse than I already have been. That does not mean that I am totally fine with it all. I just sort of wish that I could be able to have something better for me." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like I was needing to be finding something better to say now. I was wanting to be making something work out. But I just could not get it in myself to do any of this anymore.
"I hope that you do not mind bringing your family along to the games. I mean, from what I can tell, it feels like Lydia and Claire might be wanting to go on and see what the games are like, and they might be cheering you on here." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking at me, and I was wondering what the heck I was going to be doing now.
"I guess that I do not mind them coming along. I just do not want them to be showing up, cheering me on, and then they are going to be hugely let down and stuff. I feel like if they are going to see that, they are going to be making this whole thing seem much worse." I said, and I was feeling like this whole thing was just going to be a giant waste of time, and I knew that he was never going to truly see where I would be fully coming from here.
"They will be having some fun with this all. I doubt that they are going to be too serious about this. Sure they might be a bit let down, but I think they will get over it soon enough." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking totally serious about this whole thing. But I was feeling like this was just going to be a bit rough, and I was just kind of looking like I needed to find something better to be saying or conveying now.
"Yeah, maybe that is true. I just feel like the worst that could come along is maybe some people might be laughing at you, but I think that you will probably be fine enough with how it all is." After he was telling me this, I was just then thinking about what was going on at this point in time. But I was feeling like it was just a bit off. I was hating everything that was going on now.
"I think that we have gone enough for today, and we can practice again tomorrow or something." I said, and then I was letting both of us do about five more minutes of practicing, and then we were heading on to my house, and I was feeling like when I was done with this whole thing, I would be feeling a bit better. I was feeling like this was all that I was going to truly want right now. I was worried about everything that was going on at this point. Feeling just sort of lost now.
...
-Dec 15 1993 5:40 pm- I was home that night, and then I was inside of my room, wondering what the heck I was going to be doing now. I was feeling like there was virtually nothing else that I needed to be too worried about here. I was just sort of wanting to talk with Lydia about Claire, but at the same time, I was feeling like there was virtually no need to be doing something like this. I mean, I did not want to be letting Claire down. Even if she did not get it at all.
I was feeling like I needed to let her be on her own, and I needed to let her be making this narrative of me. Not only because I felt like not letting her have it would be mean, but at the same time, I was sort of just wanting to see how far it would be going, and how much I was going to be able to make things go before I would either let her down, or be forced to live up to the myth as well.
As I was thinking about what I had been planning on telling her, I was feeling like I was just needing to be making this actually have any form of a feasible chance of working out. I was needing to just get along with this, and I was needing to be seeing what the hell the main issue would have been. I was needing to be finding something that could make the whole path be able to finally give me a coherent answer.
I was about to be putting it all behind me, and just act like I was kind of done with this whole thing when I was seeing Henry coming by. He was looking at me, and I was clearly seeing him wanting to ask me a bunch of questions, and I knew that no matter what I told him, he was going to be unable to really leave the whole thing alone. I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to maybe lie to him or something to keep him out of this.
"What the heck is going on right now? I mean, you want to help with Gabe, but you are not even talking with him. I mean, you hyped up this whole thing as a great idea, but now that there is nothing you are doing, I feel like you are sort of missing out on what you were supposed to be doing." Henry was saying to me, and I was seeing him looking like he had wished to be learning more from me. But I was too worried about this all.
"I mean, I just tried to reach out to him, and when I was trying to talk with him, I was seeing that he was not really in the mood to be reaching out to me. I was feeling like maybe talking with him would have changed it all. But I guess that nothing else even matters anymore." I said, and then I was just sort of wanting to be letting this go, but I had no real idea what even mattered at all.
"I wanted to help him out, and I was wanting to be making him feel better. But now that he had talked with me some bit on this, and heard my side of things, I just feel like nothing else even matters. I wanted to make him feel better. But it does not even fucking matter." I said, and then I was shaking my head, wondering what the heck I was even going to be saying now. I was really wanting to get some more ideas on where to go. But I was feeling like it just did not even matter if I said more or less.
"I mean, when I see how he is doing, and he is just on his own, and not really wanting to get some help, I just feel like I need to be letting him go. I need to be letting him do his own thing. I mean, he is eighteen years old. He is able to pretty much do anything he wants. He's like ancient after all." I said, and then I was thinking that the idea of reaching eighteen was just going to be fucking impossible. I was thinking that I needed to just accept that Gabe and I were never going to be fully in sync now.
"Just don't get too deep into this whole thing. It seems like this is something that is too far out of my idea of understanding." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing Henry looking like he was wanting to say more. I was seeing him clearly just looking a bit lost, and I was feeling like maybe I was needing to find something more fun for Henry and I to discuss now. I wished to find a way to get Henry to know what I was feeling right now. I was wanting to just find literally anything to make it better for us.
"I think that if I were to get too deep into this, then I will be feeling like I just failed at everything." I said, and then I was shaking my head, and then I was feeling like maybe I was going to be needing to find a better way out of this whole thing. I was feeling like I was going to be sort of out of the fucking road. I was wishing to be finding some answers that could make my family feel better, to feel safe. But when such a thing was going on, I was going to just need to be following what I was feeling like could have been a much better path way.
"I just want to know what the heck made you even want to be getting into this whole thing in the first place? I mean, was it really all that big of a deal, or did you just feel like you were going to be getting something, and only now realize that this was not going to happen." After Henry was saying this to me, I was feeling so fucking lost on everything that was going on, and I was feeling like I needed to sort of know what the heck was even going to be going on here.
"I was just thinking that doing so would have been able to provide some real answers to help us sort of know what the heck was going on. I mean, I should have just been more careful I guess. But I was thinking that he could have been able to open up about something like this." I said, and then I was looking right at Henry, wondering what the heck we were going to be saying to change the way we were looking at this.
"I just wanted to help out. I felt like helping out would have made a difference. I guess that it does not really make any difference now. I just feel so fucking lost right now. I wanted to be a helpful brother, and then when I look at everything that is going on, I feel like none of what I have been doing was going to help him out. But I just wanted to help out as much as possible. I wanted to make my brother care." I said, and then I was feeling like all of this was going to just be sort of tone deaf to Henry, but in a way I was not caring all that much.
"Hell, if I knew what I was going to do to just make sure that nothing happened to you guys, then I feel like that would have been enough for me. But I think that maybe what he has been doing was correct anyways. I mean, maybe it is best to not be forced to listen to what the heck he was wanting to be keeping hidden." I was saying, and then I was just sort of feeling like maybe I was losing my process here, and that I was just sort of wasting time now.
"Henry, I feel like maybe I am just needing to focus on the more fun things, and when I do that, I can actually help my friends maybe get on the team or something. I think that the idea of getting on the team is something that I can indeed make a change on, and none of this bullshit of fighting with Gabe on this whole thing. I mean, he already made his point, and I am not going to fucking get in his way anymore on this." I was then thinking about what I was telling Gabe, to be making this whole thing feel differently.
"Well, I hope that nothing happens to you. I mean, even if sometimes you can be a bit hard, I do not want anything to happen to you. I mean, I just wish that I knew what you were going to try and accomplish, and maybe I can help you out." After he was saying this, I was feeling like I was just needing to find something to tell Henry, or if I knew what he was indicating by saying all of this.
I was feeling like the fact that I was telling all of this to Henry, and the fact that I was in any way flirting with the idea of making him be involved with hearing what I was dealing with, it was making me feel like a piece of shit, and I was feeling like I needed to find a way to get him out of this. Or if any of this even mattered anymore. I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to get Henry to see why this was something I was so worried of anyways.
"I am sorry that I am not telling you all that many things. I just wish that I could be able to give you more. But I feel like if I were to say anything else, you would be rubbing it off, and you would be thinking I am probably insane." I said, and then I was thinking about how I was going to be able keep this up, and keep him thinking that none of what I was saying was too strange. But that was just looking to be fucking impossible.
"I mean, I think that when I say stuff like this, it does make me a bit of a hypocrite, since I was always talking about why he was wrong for treating us like this, and then here I am, acting like this was something that should have been done from the first day. I feel like I am being a bit of a confusing fellow to follow. I just wish that I knew what I was doing now." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to be finding something else to say, to make it all different.
"But Jack, what are you going to be saying to him? Do you think that you will be speaking to him more, or have you sort of just given up on all of this? I mean, I feel like something like this is more important. You know, finding out what your major plans are going to be, and if you really even have one to start with?" After he was asking me all of this, I was seeing him clearly wanting to see me come up with an answer, and not be fucking around. But I truly had no response, and I was feeling like I was going to be finding something that was going to make this whole situation come back together. I just needed to find something to get Henry to be thinking of something else to say, to get him off of this.
"I am going to be leaving this alone. I was thinking that I could be ready for this. But I am not ready for any of this. I am totally over this. I need to find something else to say to keep myself feeling like I have any form of a life here." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe I was just saying something stupid. But I did not give a shit. I was just feeling like maybe if I could try to talk more, I was only going to make things worse for us all.
"I think that if I wanted to find a better answer here, I will just be going out to actually make this work. But I just don't care anymore. I am fucking done with this. I just want to move on with my fucking life now. He doesn't want me to help, and I am sort of just over it." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like there was nothing else to be saying now. I was just hoping that maybe Henry was going to be seeing what I was feeling, and not be getting in my business on this. That he was going to just let me capture the loss of the expressions I was having right now.
"Well, I hope that you enjoy the team." Henry said, and I knew that he was just trying to find a way to make the whole thing seem less of an issue right now. I was feeling like if I was going to be saying anything else, then neither one of us will be getting any form of enjoyment out of this, and that we had more than made our points right now, for better or for worse.
With that, Henry was heading on down to his room, and when this was happening, I was feeling like there was a small part of me that needed to be there for him when it was his birthday coming up. That I was feeling like this was the only thing that mattered. I was feeling like when I was going to be helping him for his birthday, then everything would be like it was all for not, and that I would be almost happy with everything that had been going on now.
...
-Dec 16 1993 12:11 am- I was starting to sort of accept the fact that in a way, the entire fucking thing I was dealing with was a fucking joke. I mean, I know that it sounds a bit edgy to say such things, but how the fuck was I not going to be like this, when I was looking at and everything that had been going on around me in the first place. It was too much for me to just brush off, and act like was no small matter. But here I was, sort of needing to accept the fact that I was on my own, and that in a way, I was needing to just be fine with such a thing. I needed to not be making a issue out of things that were not in my power.
I was wanting to be there for my family, but it was very clear that they wanted nothing to do with me here. They were not wanting me to help them out, and I was going to be on my own. Which was why I was needing to focus on the whole thing with the sport team, since I was genuinely feeling like that was going to sort of be my one chance to be able to do something right here.
I was feeling like maybe when I knew all of this stuff, and I was going to be looking at the sports, I was needing to be finding something that could have been able to finally put a end to my quest to do something important. If I join the team, and not only join the team, but be good on it, then I would become more than just somebody my siblings can appreciate. I was going to be able to be a man who would finally go on and become a sign of hope for my school. As strange as it sounded, as hard as it might have sounded, and as much as it might have been a work load on its own to do this, it was something I was needing to at least look into here.
I was thinking that if I was to do this, then everything with my older brothers was just going to be a thing in the past, and that was something I was needing to just sort of not really think on anymore. I was feeling like if I had thought on it too much, I would be going insane, and I would sort of just be losing focus on the one thing that truly mattered more than anything else. I was feeling like when I was going to be done with this whole situation, I was finally going to start to be happier with myself, and not be getting it off the wrong foot now.
I had to be thinking long and hard on everything that was going on in my own right, and I was needing to be at least sort of actually smart on all of this, and I was feeling like nothing else I was even aware of would have been an issue. I was going to need to find some solid time to just fucking sit somewhere, or to just practice, and then everything was going to be alright. I was needing to finally just sort of put it all behind me, and not be getting this too fucking troubled.
When I was working on my goals, and I was going to just be sort of showing people what I was wanting to do, I was going to be able to make people see that I was not really aware of what the thing with them was, and I was not even going to be angry at them. They did not need to be having me on their fucking ass because of this whole thing. I was feeling like such a thing was just going to be a waste of my time, and I was not wanting to waste my time. I was wanting to actually do stuff that I had felt like I could have made a difference on.
I was not going to be holding back anymore. I was going to just purely focus on the one thing that I had felt like mattered. I was going to be focusing on what I had felt like would have truly gotten me somewhere. When I was going to do that, then maybe I could be getting somewhere now. Maybe I could be doing something that I knew was not going to be too far gone. I was not really wanting to get people to be feeling like I was going to be a bit dramatic. But I was not going to be holding back with this. Being dramatic was the only way that I was going to truly be the man that I was needing to be.
As I was feeling that in my mind, I was so happy to finally know how I was going to be doing. I was thinking that I was going to finally get somewhere in the long run. I was feeling like I was just going to be sort of getting all of my stuff put together. I was just thinking about what the hell my friends and I was dealing with. I was over the whole thing, and I was over the way that I was going to be looking at all of this. I was wanting my family to know that when I was talking with Lydia next, it was not going to be out of petty competition, it was going to be out of making sure that she was going to be seeing where I was coming from, and then being the one who would make a difference.
I was going to be walking down the path of making sure that what I was doing was going to matter. Even if it was small. Even if it was going to be simple. It was going to be the way that I was going to be handling all of this stuff. I was feeling like when this was going to finally make some sense, and that I was finally finding my calling, and that my final choice was now going to be made.
I was feeling like everything was making some fucking sense. I was finally feeling like I was going to be finding the one way that I was going to be making this whole shit show worth it. I was going to be doing this, and I was going to be making it all worth it. I was going to be showing the people that I was going to be able to get something good out of something terrible, and not be making a issue out of this whole entire thing.
I was going to be going to bed now. I was going to be remembering that all. I was going to be letting that be the one thing that would stop me from going down this path. I was going to go to bed, and I was going to be thinkng it all through, and I was going to be glad for my fucking answers here. I was now going to be making things matter, and then everything was going to be sort of a giant mess that I would put behind me forever.
