A/N: Here's Chapter 39—maybe one more chapter to go? Maybe two depending how long the next one gets. I hope it makes sense, especially at the end, cause at the moment of publication, I haven't really read through it because it's two in the morning and why the heck am I still awake?!

Letters to Harm

Chapter 39: Healing

Dearest Harm,

I feel numb. I can't tell what time it is anymore. It's been storming here the last several days and the power has gone out frequently. He's still closing up the windows when he leaves to do whatever he does during the day, so I don't even have the daylight to tell me it's daytime. When the power does go out, I find I can only curl up on the bed until the power comes on or he comes back. It makes him mad when I have nothing prepared for dinner, but he's at least more lenient with me since he knows I can't do much in the pitch black. He'll merely slap me instead of punch or kick me. It's been especially bad these past three days; the power has gone out for hours at a time, usually starting just after he drives away. When the lights go dark, I'll admit I panic for a moment. I don't know why the dark is so terrifying here, but it is, and there are times where I can't even find my way to the bed. My sense of direction is shot, Harm…yesterday the power went off when I was coming out of the bathroom and all of a sudden, I had no idea which way I should go. I could only cry and curl up in a little ball where I stayed for hours. When he came home and I couldn't get up fast enough, he hit me and then I really couldn't get up. He dragged me back into the bedroom and threw me onto the bed. You can guess what he did next…two, three times…more…I lost count.

It's just easier to be numb…to feel nothing…and I'm scared of what will happen if ever the numbness ends.

I have a feeling (not totally numb, eh?) that the power will go out soon so I'd better end this and hide it away.

I miss you.

I love you.

Mac


Two weeks later…

June 9th, 2004

0412 Local

Rabb Residence

Falls Church, VA

Harm woke up to find he was alone in bed. It was only a little after four, but Mac was obviously up for the day and most likely was pacing around the house. She did that often, many times in the middle of the night, and Harm was growing tired of her wasting away. She barely ate, barely slept, really only spoke to the girls, and Harm was terrified for her.

She still wouldn't speak of her ordeal at Mic's hand, despite Harm and even the admiral trying to draw it out of her. His mother had tried as well, thinking perhaps it would be easier for her to confide in another woman, but that too failed.

Of course, Mac had gone to therapy, but she wasn't opening up. Dr. Shelley was concerned but tried to be reassuring. They all needed some time.

Mac was still open and loving to the children, although Harm felt that Tricia was picking up on Mac's distress. She wasn't sleeping as well, and now that he thought about it, Emmy was more irritable too.

With a sigh, he slowly worked his way out of bed. He was still sore from his gunshot wound itself, but at least that was better than the pain from the site of his chest tube. The two pains combined drastically hindered his ability to move with any sort of speed, and it frustrated him to no end. It did tend to get better once he was up and moving around, so he fairly quickly used the bathroom and threw on some sweatpants, then went to go check on Mac.

He found her on the back-porch swing, curled under a blanket despite the warmth of the June morning. Harm carefully sat down next to her and stared out at the lush backyard. She didn't acknowledge his presence with more than a glance, and Harm had to slowly work up the courage to speak.

"Mac, baby…"

"Don't start, Harm."

"I can't watch you do this to yourself."

"I said, don't start." Normally if she had to repeat herself, her words would be colored by her innate feistiness, but now they were spoken flatly, almost monotone.

"No, Mac. Please, please let me in. It's been two weeks…please tell me what happened…let it out…"

He reached out a hand and rested it on her shoulder, but she shook it off and abruptly stood up.

"I'm going to take a shower." She turned and went inside, and Harm buried his face in his hands.


June 13th, 2004

1332 Local

Inova Fairfax Hospital

Falls Church, VA

It was another long four days before a visit to Rene finally broke through the walls Mac had erected around her psyche.

It had been touch and go for a good week before Rene had finally turned a corner and was now doing remarkably well. It bothered Harm that he hadn't been to visit Rene as of yet, but it helped that AJ had gone on his behalf a few times and had delivered Harm and Mac's heartfelt messages of gratitude. Now that Harm had recovered sufficiently enough to get out of the house for something other than his follow up doctor's appointments, he was happy that he could thank Rene in person.

AJ had dropped Harm and Mac off at the door and then left to run an errand as soon as Harm helped Mac out of her seat. He kept a hand on her until he was sure she was steady; he had images of her blowing away in the breezy morning and he hadn't lost the need to hover. She was still not as thin as she had been when she'd escaped the cabin, but her weight loss in the last two weeks was noticeable. Harm had actually been surprised that Mac had agreed to go with him; since he'd been discharged from the hospital, she'd only left the house once to have her stitches removed. Only Trish had accompanied him to his own follow up appointments, so he wasn't too optimistic when he'd asked her if she wanted to come see Rene. She'd said yes, however; she wanted to thank her in person as well.

When the elevator dinged signaling the arrival to Rene's floor, Harm took Mac's rather limp hand in his and led her down the hall to Rene's room. Rene was sitting up in bed when they arrived, and she gave them both a wide smile as they stepped in. Once the two of them were settled in chairs by the bed, Harm leaned forward and gave Rene a kiss on the cheek.

"You're looking great, Rene." For once, she wasn't all gloss and hairspray and it actually suited her.

"Thank you, Harm. I'm feeling pretty good too—my doctor is going to let me out of here tomorrow." She understandably looked quite happy about that, and Harm was happy for her. He looked over at Mac who gave him a small smile, then turned back to Rene. Taking her hand in his, Harm's expression turned serious.

"Rene…what you did for us that day…we can never hope to thank you enough and we're so, so sorry he…he…we're so sorry about all of…this…" He motioned around the hospital room, embarrassed that his eyes had filled with tears.

Rene squeezed his hand. "It's okay, Harm. I'm okay. I'm just glad I was there to help. And your little girl, Mac…she was so good, held onto her sister so tightly up there. I only wish I would have been able to do more."

Harm looked over at Mac, who had an alarmingly blank look on her face. She had visibly paled and had started to tremble.

"How have you been doing, Mac? Mac?" Rene's concerned-filled eyes met Harm's and he shook his head, not knowing what was going on with Mac either.

"Mac, honey…what is it? What's going on?" He settled his hand on her arm, but she twitched away from him.

"They missed a spot. The cleaners…they missed a spot in the hall when they…they cleaned up all the…all the blood. I scrubbed the floor, but it—it wouldn't come out. It's still there. Your blood…it's still there, Rene…"

Rene had paled somewhat too; Harm saw her swallow a couple of times, and when she spoke again, her voice was hoarse. "I-I'm sorry, Mac."

"Mac…sweetheart…"

"I tried to stop him, Rene. I did…I thought you were dead. I'm sorry. It was my fault. There was so much blood…I-I was covered in it. Harm's. M-Mic's. Mine…and in the hall…they missed a spot…Oh, god, Harm…he kept coming back. He kept…I'm sorry, Rene. I'm so sorry…"

Mac was shaking and sobbing as Harm pulled her into his arms. She was mostly incoherent, but Harm heard the word blood several times. It was chilling; he'd had no idea she'd actually scrubbed the floor in the hall where Rene fell, because from what he could tell, the professional service Frank had hired for the job had done well in cleaning it up. He wondered if she'd done it during one of her late-night wanderings, and that thought saddened him.

Harm knew Mac had cried before; there were times when he had awakened to hear her sniffling beside him, but this was the first time she'd completely let go. He could only hope that this would be the impetus she needed to finally open up to him, to her therapist, and while he knew neither he nor Mac would ever completely put this behind them, maybe she could at least begin to heal.

Eventually, Mac's sobs quieted and she pulled away from him, obviously embarrassed. However, and maybe it was just wishful thinking on his part, the set of her features appeared more relaxed, and the look in her eyes was less haunted. She also looked exhausted, but it wasn't the same bone-deep despairing fatigue she'd exhibited for the last two weeks.

"Oh, I'm so—I'm so sorry, Rene," Mac said, wiping her eyes as she turned to the other woman. Rene surprised him; she'd scooted closer to them and was now reaching for Mac's hand.

"It's okay, Mac…really, I'm okay. I'm going to make a full recovery…and you and your girls are safe…" Mac nodded tearfully.

"It's just that…I know things that happened…before…hurt you…and then I dragged you into this…"

Rene clutched Mac's hand harder. "Yes…I was hurt, of course I was…and for a while it was hard to admit, but I think things worked out as they always should have. As for this," she motioned around the hospital room, "I'm going to say right place, right time."

Harm looked at Rene in shock that was mirrored in Mac's eyes. "How can you say that?" his wife asked, and Harm wondered the same. The Rene he knew wasn't cruel, but she'd never struck him as particularly altruistic either. He could only blink at his ex-wife, who must have known what he was thinking given the glare she gave him.

"Don't look so surprised, Harm. I'm really a very nice person." She cocked an eyebrow at him, daring him to say otherwise. In typical Harm fashion, he started to back-peddle immediately.

"I'm not surprised, Rene. I never said that…that you weren't a nice person. Hell, I married you, didn't I? I don't marry people that aren't nice…"

"Harm, Harm…you're just digging yourself a hole here, honey."

"Rene…"

Rene stopped him with a giggle. "Oh, Harm…" She turned to Mac. "He hasn't changed any, has he?" she asked, and Mac actually cracked a smile. And then she did something that Harm in no way expected…she laughed.

She actually laughed.

Harm hadn't heard that sound in what felt like years. If he had to endure a some teasing from his ex-wife to hear that again, he would gladly take on whole heaps of it, and he couldn't stop the grin from spreading across his face.

"No, he hasn't, Rene." Mac's smile widened, and Harm knew everything would be okay then. It may take months, even years, to recover from all of this, but Harm finally felt the vise around his heart concerning Mac loosen just a little bit. He couldn't resist putting his arm around his wife, pulling her close to kiss her hair.

"And you hope I never do, right?" Mac shook her head against him and chuckled again.

"Absolutely not, Harm."


1545 Local

Rabb Residence

Falls Church, VA

Harm motioned Mac ahead of him as they entered the house, pulling her into her arms once he had the door shut and locked behind them. He held her silently for a few moments before he drew back and lifted her chin with his hand.

"You should go upstairs and lay down for a while. I'll handle the girls and dinner tonight, okay?"

Mac nodded and started to move away, but Harm pulled her back in. "And then we're going to talk, alright?" He felt her warm breath against his neck as she sighed, but she nodded again.

"Okay, Harm. I should feed Emily first though, and I want to see Tricia too."

"Of course, Mac. Why don't you go up and get settled and I'll bring the girls up to you?"

Mac gave Harm a final nod and a squeeze, then slowly made her way up the stairs. Harm watched her until she reached the top and turned down the hall, and then he made his way into the family room to be enthusiastically greeted by Tricia. He held her aloft while she giggled and squealed, laughing himself at her delight. After the little girl's ordeal the day Brumby had taken Mac, Harm had been worried that she would withdraw given how she was after he had found her and her sister in the attic. Thankfully, as soon as Tricia saw Mac at the hospital when AJ had brought her and her sister there, she'd been for the most part her old self. She was a bit frightened at the sight of her daddy attached to various wires and tubes, but he'd finally coaxed her to sit next to him while Mac fed Emily. It took a few minutes, but soon she was chatting cheerfully with the three adults in the room, and all three of them breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Thank goodness for the resiliency of children, Harm thought to himself as set Tricia down and took Emily from his mother. He kissed the older woman on the cheek, told her briefly about their visit with Rene, and then made his way up to his bedroom with his two little girls.

Mac was just coming out of the bathroom when Harm and the girls arrived, and then they all piled on the bed while Mac fed Emily. Harm watched his three girls as they interacted, and he had to swallow a lump in his throat when he thought of how he'd almost lost all of this. Mac met his eyes, and with a soft smile, she told him she knew what he was thinking. He couldn't stop himself from leaning over and quickly kissing her, and then they all snuggled together, falling asleep as the bright June sunshine lit up the room.


2201 Local

Rabb Residence

Falls Church, VA

It was dark when Harm woke up next to Mac, the only light in the room now from the nightlight by the door. He couldn't believe they'd slept that long, along with having a moment of panic when he noticed the girls weren't in there with them. He was about to get up and search for them when his eye caught a note on the nightstand beside him. He flipped on the beside lamp, smiling as he read his mother's words which told him she and Frank had gathered up the girls and would have them fed and put to bed so he and Mac could have some much-needed sleep. The Burnetts knew about Mac's insomnia as well, and they knew Harm wasn't sleeping as well either because of that.

Harm set the note aside again and snuggled into Mac after he turned off the lamp. Trish had told him there would be food in the fridge for them or, if she were still up, he could call her and she would bring them up something, but he found he wasn't all the hungry; being near Mac right now was everything he needed. He tightened his hold on her, breathing in her scent as he started to drift off once again.

"Harm?" Mac's groggy voice reached his ears, bringing him out of his still light slumber.

"Yeah, baby?" Mac rolled over and wrapped her arms around her husband, burying her face in his t-shirt.

"It's dark."

Harm chuckled. "Yes, it is, sweetheart."

"Why'd you let me sleep so long?" she asked sleepily.

That made Harm chuckle again. "I was sleeping right there with you, honey."

"Oh…where are the girls?"

"With Mom and Frank. They snuck in here and got the girls so we could sleep longer."

"Oh," Mac said again, yawning as she slipped a leg in between Harm's. He wrapped his leg around her and ran his hand down her hair to her back.

"How are you, baby?"

Mac stiffened for a moment, but then sighed and clutched him to her. "I don't know…"

"Yeah?"

"I mean, I-I'm okay, but…b-but…" Her words ended in a little sob and a sniffle.

Harm's heart clenched for her and for the tremor that went through her body. "Can we talk about it now?"

"Y-Yeah…" He felt his shirt front go damp, and he knew she was crying against him. He continued to stroke her back, trying to soothe and give her some strength and comfort.

"Tell me, Mac." He felt her nod against him, but it was still several minutes before she could speak. He kept up his gentle stroking, willing her to release all the pain of the last weeks and months.

"Um…he—he came in through the back door…"

"Yeah?"

"He called me…I thought it was you again…but—but it was him…and…and…"

"Mac?"

"I thought I was going to die."

"Oh, Mac…"


Harm lay in the dark, still stroking his wife's hair and back. She'd told him everything, from the moment she'd heard Brumby's voice on the phone until AJ had pulled Mic's bloodied body off of her. He now knew the horror she felt at watching Rene fall to the floor, the blood spilling from his ex-wife's wound. He knew the fear she'd experienced when she'd awakened tied to her old bed in the apartment she had assumed Mic had unloaded long ago. They still didn't know how Brumby had managed to maintain the place like he had.

Harm had started to cry along with her when she told him how worried she was about Tricia and Emily, knowing that they had been left entirely alone and how terrified she was when she knew he was going to rape her again. From the moment he'd burst into their home, she'd known he would violate her at some point; she didn't think he'd done anything while she'd been unconscious, but the memory of his fingers pushing into still made her want to vomit.

Hearing about what it was like for her when he'd been shot by Brumby broke his heart and the guilt he felt over that was nearly overwhelming, especially when she'd cradled him to her and told him it was okay.

When it came time to tell him how she'd killed Brumby, she'd rolled away from him, not wanting to be touched as she told him how she'd used the knife she'd made during her captivity to slice into Mic's side, about the feeling of the blade going through muscle and tissue until it pierced his heart. They'd been told that blood had poured into the sac around his heart, compressing the organ until it couldn't pump enough blood to sustain the man. Mac had been soaked to the skin with her husband's and her tormentor's blood and she confessed that sometimes she could still feel it dripping off of her.

Harm was devastated by all she'd gone through, but so grateful she'd let it all out. He'd eventually coaxed her back into his arms, where she'd cried herself to sleep. It wasn't until he was absolutely sure she was slumbering deeply that he truly let himself go, crying long into the night, unable to sleep any longer. He wondered if there was enough therapy in the world to make all of this okay, despaired of it actually, but then he noticed something that gave him hope.

As the sun started to rise, casting the room in a dim glow, Harm saw a soft smile play across Mac's face. For the first time in weeks, she appeared entirely relaxed, her body no longer rigid next to him, and when her eyes fluttered open, her smile widened, the dull despair completely absent from those beautiful chocolate-brown orbs.

It wouldn't be easy, but they'd get through this.

Together.


Two months later…

August 12th, 2004

2034 Local

Rabb Residence

Falls Church, VA

"It's going to be okay, Mac. Really."

"I just…I don't think I can leave them."

Mac stood with her husband in the doorway to Tricia's room, watching their little girl sleep. Mac had just finished putting Emily down while Harm settled Tricia, and, though she should have been packing for their weekend getaway to Vermont, she was finding it extremely difficult to walk away from her babies right now. She'd actually held Emily for at least another thirty minutes after nursing her to sleep and had now been watching Tricia for the last five. Harm had come out of their bedroom and joined her, obviously understanding Mac's problem.

"It's just for a few days. Mom and Dad will be here and so will AJ; the girls will be fine."

Mac sniffled a bit and swiped at her eyes, embarrassed that she couldn't stop the flow of tears. "I know they'll be fine…but it's just…just…"

Harm pulled her into his arms. "I know, sweetheart. I know." He drew her away from Tricia's bedroom and gently closed the door before ushering her into their room. "It is hard, but I think we need and deserve this."

Mac nodded against him. "We do, Harm. I'm just being silly." Harm rubbed his hands over her back.

"No, you're not, Mac. Honestly, I'm fine now, but come tomorrow I'll probably be a blubbering mess."

Mac chuckled at the brave Harmon Rabb Jr's admission. "Okay, Harm…now, you said you had a few work things to clear up, and I haven't even started packing, so let's get moving, alright?"

"That's the spirit, sweetheart." He leaned down and gave her a light kiss on the lips, then left Mac to her packing.

Mac first gathered up clothing appropriate for the resort in Vermont, thinking with mild chagrin that in the olden days, here marine days, she would have been packed hours…days…ago. Of course, she didn't have children then, so that undoubtedly made a rather significant difference. Keeping up with Tricia and Emily took a lot of time and energy, there was no doubt about that.

In the weeks since Mic had come back from the dead, things had gradually returned to normal. After Mac had opened up to Harm about her ordeal, she'd started participating in her therapy again, making many great strides. She'd started sleeping again and her appetite had slowly improved, allowing her to regain much of what she'd lost. She still had her nightmares and flashbacks; they both did, but now the good nights far outweighed the bad.

There was one thing that was still quite troubling, however. Little Tricia, while happy and playful the vast majority of the time, had started awakening periodically screaming for Mac. It devastated both Harm and Mac to hear her fearfully crying about a man hurting her mommy, and it became obvious that her nightmares were about more than just the day that Mic had broken into the house. Clearly, she remembered more about the cabin than they'd thought, so they started her in therapy as well. Play therapy, it was called, and it did seem to be helping; Tricia's nightmares were growing less frequent.

These strides eventually led to Harm suggesting that he and Mac go away together, just the two of them, for a few days, like any other normal couple. Mac had hesitated in agreeing to the trip but couldn't deny that it would be nice to just relax and be husband and wife again. They hadn't made love since well before Mic's return, though Mac was getting comfortable with touching intimately again, and a trip away might be exactly what they needed to completely reconnect.

Of course, the closer they got to the trip, the more apprehensive Mac got about leaving her girls. It was as if she still didn't believe they were now truly safe, and the idea of leaving her daughters vulnerable had caused many a nightmare.

That's where the admiral had come in.

Trish and Frank were more than capable of caring for the girls, but Mac couldn't make herself agree completely until "Gampa Am-al" had offered to stay here as well. Though they no longer needed the protection of a former navy SEAL, AJ's presence gave Mac the peace of mind to allow Harm to finalize the details of their trip.

Once Mac had laid out everything she thought she'd need for the resort, she headed down the hall to the guestroom at the end of it. They'd been storing their luggage in the room's closet, and she decided a carryon-sized suitcase would do.

That is, if she could find one. The closet was in disarray; Harm had obviously been in here and not for the first time she wondered how her husband, always so neat and tidy and organized, could reduce their closets to chaos.

Mac dug around a bit, then by chance looked up to see the suitcase she was looking for high up on a shelf.

Rising to her full height, Mac reached up and pulled on the handle of the bag. It slid off the shelf easily, but something else came with it.

Biting back a yelp as a hard object struck her head, Mac quickly set her suitcase aside. She looked down at her feet and at Harm's old blue backpack, wondering what could possibly have been in there to cause the little goose egg she was sure was forming on her scalp.

As Mac picked up the backpack, a book slid out and landed on the floor, this time narrowly missing her toe. It looked familiar to her, though it was still face down, so Mac picked it up and turned it over.

The dizziness came on suddenly and with a vengeance. Her breath came in short pants as she opened up her nearly forgotten journal with shaking hands, her vision blurring as she read the the words on the page. The old ledger book slipped out of her hands and Mac, her trembling legs no longer able to support her, sank to the floor behind it. It had landed open, face up, and Mac's tears fell as her finger moved to trace the familiar words.

My Dearest Harm…


End Chapter 39