It wasn't very long before Hotch changed up the partnerships within our team; now I was paired with Reid, JJ with Rossi, and Hotch with Morgan. It was the only way Hotch could see peace within our work. Now I had been working closely alongside Reid for four weeks, and it was getting easier for me to speak and be present around the team; Reid made me more comfortable somehow. Today, when we returned from our case, Hotch told us we would have tomorrow off, giving us a three-day weekend. This urged Garcia to convince everyone that we needed to go out tonight and they all agreed after little effort from Garcia, and I declined again. I hadn't had a single day or night with them outside of work since Morgan and Tsia, and I intended to stay that way for as long as possible. Reid caught me as I was leaving, however, and now I was going out with them because he told me he and the others all missed me a lot. Red Cell first declined as they did have work tomorrow, but once Garcia filled them in on my attendance, they changed their minds.
Now I walk in with Gina and Reid because I wasn't comfortable enough to come alone. I go to the bar with Reid, avoiding the team as long as I could possibly manage, and he was happy to accommodate me. He pointed out that we had to go over to them eventually, so with a sigh I gave in and took my drink as we turned to walk over to the table.
"Wow, you're still alive." Mick joked.
"Excuse me?"
"We just haven't seen you in a month. Longer actually, I think."
"Well, you could have called." I didn't know how else to reply.
"I did, several times over several weeks. All went unanswered."
"Don't take it personally; she wasn't speaking with any of us outside of work either." JJ said quietly. I ignored the feeling inside of me; it wasn't anger, it wasn't embarrassment, I didn't know what it was, but it wasn't pleasant. It was a kind of emptiness, I guess. I took a deep breath and drank back half my glass before I glanced at Hotch on my right side. He raised his eyebrows and I looked down quickly.
"It's good that you're out," He said quietly, "Really, we missed you." I smiled at him appreciatively and then looked at Rossi who was on his other side. He had obviously been listening, and he nodded with a comforting smile.
"So when you stopped being social with us and you went out with Clyde instead of us, did you sleep with him that night?" Gina asked me casually.
I raised my eyebrows, "Personal…"
"So you did?"
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, "No I didn't."
"Why not?" JJ asked this time. I looked at her but I didn't reply. "Ah, you couldn't." She nodded and looked at Morgan with an almost lethal glare. She has hated him ever since and she's made sure he knows it. I looked at Reid and he knew I wanted the subject changed to anything else, and so he and Gina quickly spoke about something else to catch everyone else's attention. After a short while, Prophet went to the bar and returned with drinks for himself and Garcia, and I noticed they were sitting extremely closer than usual. I watched them for a while, subtly of course so no one would notice, and he whispered in her ear about something that made her smile. She kissed him lightly and my mouth fell open slightly. I looked down quickly and took my clutch as I stood. I walked away from the table and to the bar without warning, but I knew they would all notice the rush in my movement.
"Hey, are you okay?" JJ asked quietly as she approached me, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder to inform me of her presence. She quickly ordered a vodka martini and looked back to me.
I shook my head, "I have alienated myself so much that I didn't know that one of best friends broke up with one boyfriend and got another."
"Pen and Prophet?"
I nodded in confirmation, "When did she break up with Sam? How long have they been together?"
"She broke up with Sam a few days after you got back from London, but you had already cut yourself off so she didn't know how she could tell you. She and Prophet have officially been together for about a month now."
I took a deep breath once she finished filling me in and dropped some money down because the bartender was busy, and I took my clutch again, "I need to leave. Can you please tell everyone that I said thank you for the night? I'm sorry Jayje, I really wanted to try and be back with you guys but now I'm just angry at myself and upset and I need to go home."
She had a sad expression but she nodded, "I'll tell them. Text me when you get home so I know you're safe please? And call me if you need anything. Anything, Emily; I mean it."
I nodded and thanked her quietly. I left as fast as I could get out of the bar and decided against a cab. My apartment was only about a half hour, forty-five-minute walk. It'd give me time to think and cry before I got back to my empty home.
Once again, I had locked myself away for the rest of the weekend and left my phone off, but I showed up to work on Monday like everything was normal, and then we spent Tuesday through to Friday in the town of Preston, Idaho. It was only just over a four-hour flight on the jet, but it felt longer on our way home. It was a horrendous case; a middle-aged man, former teacher, who kidnapped small children between the ages of three and six. He tortured these poor kids for two days before he killed them and buried them in his back garden. No one spoke on our flight home, no one slept, no one read. We all sat silently and still the whole time.
I got home in the late evening and I couldn't get the case out of my mind; I couldn't let it go. All those kids that had their lives ripped from them at such an early age, all the parents who lost their children. I couldn't take it; I couldn't be alone. I called Rossi before long and asked if he was home. He told me he was and that I was welcome to come over, but then I had another thought. It was not a smart one, but I think I preferred it at the moment. I told Rossi that I might show up in the middle of the night if I couldn't sleep and didn't want to be alone, and he told me to wake him if I did. After I hung up with him, I grabbed my bag, slipped my gun into it, and took my keys on my way out. I headed down to my car slowly and took a few deep breaths once behind the wheel. I closed my eyes and dropped my head onto the steering wheel. I was being stupid, I knew I should just go straight to Rossi's, but something inside of me was not letting that happen. Instead, I drove to Morgan's place.
I sat in my car for twenty minutes out the front of his place. I knew he was here; his car was in its park and his lights were on. I didn't know if he was alone, but I needed this. Badly. So badly.
I got out of my car and locked it before heading up the path. I hesitated before I closed my eyes, let out a breath, and knocked lightly. There were a few seconds of silence before I heard the locks turning and the door opened in front of me. "…Emily."
"Um, hi." I couldn't look at him just yet. I saw him move to the side and I glanced up as he motioned for me to come in. I didn't want to do this, but I had to. I walked through and stood awkwardly in his small entryway. He closed and locked the door, and then turned to me. I tried to speak, to say anything, but nothing came out. I looked down and walked into the living room quickly. I sat down on the couch and put my bag down beside me.
He sat across from me and I saw the concern across his face, "Emily, are you okay?"
Tears pricked my eyes but I tried to blink them away while I shook my head, "No. I guess…I guess I just need to talk about it. The case. I can leave if—"
"Talk."
"The kids, they were just — they had no idea what was happening or who this man was or why he had taken them from their families. They must have been petrified; I can almost hear their cries. I can't get it out of my head. Charlie, Natalie, and Hudson, they didn't even get to start elementary school. I just don't understand how someone can do that to some tiny, innocent little kids," I was crying now, "I can't do this job anymore, not on my own. I'm lonely and I'm sick of going to an empty place every night. And every night, it makes me miss you more and more and I can't take it anymore." I was babbling now, just spilling out to him. I continued on, not being able to stop the words from pouring out of my mouth. I didn't look up the whole time, I spoke either with my eyes closed or down staring at my hands. At some point in my vent about how lonely I was, I felt his weight next to me, so I knew he moved to my side. Once I neared the end of my outburst, he took my hand softly and gave me every chance to pull it back and away from him, but I left it in his hand and held on tightly.
"Hey, Em, stop," He cut me off once I sobbed a few too many times, "Look at me," He waited for me to calm my tears over a minute or so, and then I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. My heart ached badly. "Do you have any idea how much I love you, Emily? I fucked up so badly and I am never going to forgive myself for that, but I'm better now. That sounds so cliché, but I need you to know that I have not and will not ever stop loving you, and I will never stop trying to show you that. You say the word and we are back on."
My thoughts went back to what Clyde had said way back on that night when I couldn't sleep with him. Sometimes you need to give people a second chance. I took a deep breath before I looked down to his lips momentarily. I pressed mine to his quickly. He responded and kissed me back, but he cut it short once I climbed over to straddle him. "Wait, Em." I waited for him to continue in silence, almost afraid of what he was going to say. "You're upset and you're lonely. I don't want to sleep with you now, only for you to wake up and regret it and hate yourself or me. Don't get me wrong, you have no idea of what I want to do to you, but not now. How about for tonight we go upstairs, just go to sleep, and tomorrow we'll talk, okay?"
I smiled at him and nodded before I kissed him again, softly this time. I shifted myself off him and took my phone from my bag before I stood and looked at him. He smiled at me and stood. I went up to his room, he turned the lights off and joined me quickly. He asked if I wanted to shower first, and I decided I would, and then he gave me one of his shirts that fit like a dress on me. I lay down in bed as he changed and then lay next to me. I moved to lay with my head on his shoulder and he held me close to him. He turned the lamp out and we lay in silence for a while before I couldn't stop myself. "Derek?" I whispered.
"Yeah?"
"When it happened, and Tsia called me before I went to London. What was she calling for?"
"I told her to leave us alone, to go away and not show up again, but she didn't listen to me. She wanted to talk to you about something concerning me, but I'm sure it wasn't a good thing."
"…You were still talking to her?"
"I had her number blocked, but then she texted Garcia and told her to ask me to call her. I did because I wanted to know what she wanted, but she was just stirring me up. I blocked her again straight away. I haven't spoken to her, seen her, or wanted to, since. I promise."
"I believe you," I still spoke quietly, "Through it all, you haven't lied to me about it. I do appreciate that."
"I'm going to fix everything Emily, please believe that." He kissed my hair softly. I closed my eyes without replying and let myself relax against him. I smiled to myself softly as I felt the gentle rise and fall of his chest and snuggled as close as I could get to him.
