Chapter 17-
All of this attention was a little unnerving. Ever since Rey left the village, he had not had a moment to himself. Caretakers, young and old, had gone out of their way to see to his every need, out of their way to see to his every need. He almost felt guilty accepting it. The voice from the cave dream repeating in his head…
"Do you deserve it?"
The answer was a resounding 'no.' Every bad thing he had ever done seemed to be playing on an endless loop. It agitated him, so much so, that he snapped at one of the younglings. She had not left his side the entire morning, chattering non-stop, asking question after question, showing him her toys, wanting him to hold them.
"No, no, I don't want to play with it!" he said sternly. HIs deep, powerful voice frightened the little girl, and she skittered away. He was instantly sorry, seeing her run and hide behind her mother. Surely now they would see how undeserving he was of their kindness. In fact, he was prepared for their anger. Anger was something he was used to.
However, instead of anger aimed at him, the girl's mother reprimanded her for bothering HIM.
"Can't you see he needs some rest? Give the poor man a break!" Then she shooed the girl off to go play with her friends. The tiny child gave Ben one last pitiful glance before running off.
He felt like a monster.
"Please forgive her," the mother implored, interrupting his self-loathing. "She is not used to having guests and can be a little high-spirited."
"I-I didn't mean to scare her," he admitted regretfully.
She walked over and placed her hand on his knee. "It's alright. I understand. You need some peace and quiet. Come," she said, motioning him to follow her. "I know a place. It's quiet… for your Jedi thoughts."
Surprise showed on his face. Did she mean Force meditation?
He followed as she led him to a small cove down the beach, enclosed by some large boulders which concealed it from view. There was a large rock that could serve as a seat that looked out over the waves. Yes, this would do. He nodded appreciatively, then she turned to go, leaving him alone.
Settling down on the rock, he gazed out and tried to calm his thoughts. Breathing in deeply, he filled his lungs with the salty air and felt the breeze ruffle his hair. He pulled his long legs up into a cross-legged position and closed his eyes, focusing on the rhythmic sound of the waves lapping up onto the shore. It crafted a calming backdrop to his tumultuous mind.
It had been quite some time since he had meditated. Usually it led to far too much reflection and introspection for his liking, so he had learned to avoid it. Ever since discovering that Snoke was the one talking to him through Vader's helmet during all of those heartfelt confessions- and not Vader himself- he did not trust himself to meditate like he used to. But, considering the last few weeks, and last day especially, he felt compelled to do so.
One more deep breath and he began sorting through his thoughts, filtering out as much as he could, trying to narrow them down. However, that was a challenging task. It started with Rey, then Hux (traitorous scum!), the First Order, then his mother, his father, and back to Rey again. Her kindness toward him was so unexpected. And she had asked for nothing in return. Her face appeared in his mind, all of her many expressions cycling through, landing on the soft gaze she had given him several times, first time being in the hut when their hands touched. Many times since then he had noticed the same expression. At first he thought it might just be pity, but now being around her more and more, it did not feel like pity. It felt like something...else.
"Hey."
HIs eyes popped open and there she was- walking right toward him. He quickly slid off the rock and stood up to meet her. The wind was picking up, blowing the loose tendrils of her hair around her face, which was flushed from her hike and smiling widely.
"They told me you were here. I didn't mean to intrude. I can leave if you want me to," she said pausing before coming any closer.
"It's okay," he said, watching as she continued forward, stopping right in front of him.
"The huts are in good shape," she explained. "Whenever you're up to it, they're ready for us to use. Of course, you won't have your adoring fans around to give you their undivided attention," she teased. "Just me."
Those two words sparked between them, and he felt his pulse quicken. Having her undivided attention was a tantalizing thought, one he would be wise to put out of his mind immediately. She quickly changed the subject.
"Were you meditating?"
"Trying to," he replied. "It wasn't going so well."
"You know, I remember reading something in one of the old Jedi texts about using meditation to help heal wounds. I've never tried it, but maybe it could work." She shrugged and took a tiny step closer, gazing up at him. "Maybe I could help."
Again, that quickening in his pulse. He shouldn't let her get too close. She muddled his mind and made him...hope.
"If we do it together...it's worth a shot, isn't it?" She kept staring up at him with those beautiful eyes, awaiting his response. Before he even realized what he was doing, he nodded his head in agreement. She smiled in relief and took his hand, pulling him down to sit across from her on the sand. As they settled into position, cross-legged, he took a deep breath and hoped he wouldn't regret this. She held out her hands, waiting for him to take what she offered. Sensing his hesitation, she said, "Come on. Trust me."
Glancing down at her outstretched hands, he finally took hold of them, so much smaller than his own. The instant they touched, that same shock shot through him. She felt it too and held on tightly to him. Their eyes locked across the distance as the wind continued to blow.
"Close your eyes," she said softly, and he obeyed.
His other senses sharpened immediately. He could hear the quiet roar of the ocean, the call of the island's strange birds, his own breathing. He felt her hands intertwined with his, the warmth of the sun on his face… smelled the air, and, when the breeze blew in just the right direction, the scent of her- warm and sweet. He sensed her even breaths and tried to match it. After a few more moments, he felt himself begin to calm and felt her teasing at the edges of his mind.
"Do you really believe you are worthy of it?"
The dark voice pushed its way in, interrupting his focus. She squeezed his hands when she sensed him starting to pull away.
"Ben," she spoke in his mind. "Don't close me out. Be with me...be with me."
Three simple words, but they were magic. The darkness lifted like a veil and he met her in the Force. Her relief was palpable and spread to him.
"Now, focus on that blaster burn first," she sent him through their bond. He followed her lead and concentrated all of his attention and power on his worst wound. A warm tingle started where their hands were joined and spread up his arms, twining around him as it made its way to the blaster burn that had nearly killed him. His eyes shot open and he saw hers were still shut, clearly still focusing all her energy on him. White light was glowing everywhere the warmth traveled. He watched in amazement as it coalesced on not just that injury, but journeyed to the others as well. It went up his neck to caress the gash on his forehead and the bruise at the corner of his mouth. He closed his eyes again and just let it wash over him. It felt so unbelievably good.
Soon, the heat began to fade, and he opened his eyes to find her looking at him with a huge smile on her face.
"It worked!" she exclaimed triumphantly as she reached out and gently touched his forehead. He raised his hand to feel only smooth skin where there had just been a three-inch gash. Then she moved to touch the corner of his mouth, taking him totally by surprise, and let her fingers linger a little longer than necessary before pulling her hand back in her lap.
"How about the rest?" she asked. She stood up and brushed the sand off of her backside.
Ben stood and pulled the hem of his shirt up to examine the blaster burn. Amazingly, it was gone. Only a tiny scar remained, a tiny reminder of all he'd gone through to get to this very point.
"We did it!" she said happily.
He couldn't believe it. He looked at her in disbelief. "Why? Why are you helping me?"
She looked at him as if she thought he was joking. "You know, you are worthy, Ben, worthy of being cared for." He started with those words. "I heard the voice...the one in your mind. Who was it?"
"I-I don't know."
"Well, whoever it was, he was wrong," she declared. She moved in closer, almost touching him, and gazed up into his confused face. "You deserve to find happiness. It's not too late."
Their eyes locked. His breath hitched at what he saw in her face.
"But she doesn't know everything you've done." The voice was back.
"Rey," he muttered, voice cracking, "you don't know me...don't know all I've done. You called me a monster once, remember? You were right." He hung his head, knowing he could never be a good enough man for her.
She angled her head to catch his eyes again. "I do know you. And you know me. Ben, I can't explain it, but I know the Force has brought us together. It has a purpose for us, whatever that may be. I think we were… made for each other. How else can you explain our Force connection?"
"What do you want from me?" he pleaded, still unable to believe what she was saying.
She placed her hand over his heart. "I just want you to know you're not alone." Then she leaned up on her toes and kissed him gently on the mouth. He closed his eyes and let himself just feel the press of her lips.
Drops of rain suddenly splattered on his face and they jerked apart. In another instant, the drops became a downpour. Rey gasped and yelled, "I forgot about these sudden rain storms. They happen nearly everyday. Let's go!"
She started running back to the village, leaving him standing in the rain staring after her, water pouring down upon his head. As if realizing how soaked he was getting, he finally took off after her, a tiny little smile spreading across his face.
