Chapter 66.
Dean was first to open his eyes and sit up. He saw Sam sitting beside his bed. Sam immediately got up and helped him to his feet. "Are you okay, Dean?" he said.
"Yeah, I'm fine." said Dean. He went to Cas and gently touched his shoulder. "Cas, you back?"
"Back." said Cas, opening his eyes. He sat on the edge of the bed. "Dean, I'm sorry about that last part."
"Someone make some coffee." said Dean, "And someone else help make coffee." Sarah and Sam left the room. Dean turned back to Cas. "It's fine. I understand. You're not the first guy to feel like a king the first time he falls in love."
"The arrogance ... the assumptions ... "
"Love." said Dean, "It messes with your mind. I know it's weird, knowing that I've seen this deeply private stuff, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. We all have strange stuff in our heads we never talk about. We all have things we wouldn't like to explain to the people we love. You don't need to explain it to me. It's just like Bobby's wallpaper. It exists in your mind. It's not something you put there by choice."
"What about the others?" said Cas, "Will they be as understanding?"
"You notice that I sent them away. There's no need for anyone to know. We can tell them a lot of the stuff that happened. We just keep quiet about that. And the labels on the doors, obviously."
"And what about Jules?" said Cas.
"I think she'd get it, but you don't need to tell her either. Honestly, if women knew every thought in our heads, we'd never get past first base."
"I'm a little unclear on the bases." said Cas.
"Ask Rowena sometime. She has an encyclopaedic knowledge of them." He raised a warning finger. "Actually, don't. You're not ready for that discussion and she'd see it as flirtation. To be honest, she sees, 'Hello!' as flirtation. And she has a thing for you."
"I'm sure that isn't true." said Cas.
"By the way, I hope we can now slam the door forever on the idea of going to Heaven to get rid of the link."
Cas nodded. "I thought I'd have to, for your sake."
"I knew you hadn't given up on the idea." said Dean.
"All I saw was your suffering and I would have done anything to kill the damn link and set you free."
"The link you've now admitted you love?"
"What, you've never given up something you loved for someone?"
"So, now ... "
"Now I know we can both live with the link. Now, I don't need to ask Heaven for help."
"They would have killed you, you know."
"Maybe not. Heaven is missing a few too many angels."
"Okay, then they'd have taken you back to factory settings, again. Never make that kind of sacrifice for me, okay?"
"I wish I could promise not to." said Cas, "But I've discovered there's almost nothing I won't do for you. I mean, I wouldn't kill Sam or Jack or Sarah or Claire, but that's about it."
"Speaking of Claire, if you ever want to open that door, I care about her too."
"I know. My fears for Claire are sometimes too much to think about. Her parents are dead because of me. Her life has been terrible, because of me. It would finish the set if she died because of me and that thought haunts me."
"You blame yourself for far too much." said Dean.
"Maybe, if I blamed myself a little more, I wouldn't keep screwing up the way I always do." said Cas.
"You're a good person, Cas. You're selfless. Not many people are."
"Selfless people don't have a palace in their heads where they imagine themselves a king." said Cas.
"It's the first sign I've seen that you're developing a healthy self-image." said Dean, "For that reason, I'm glad I saw it. Jules is good for you."
"Jules is too good for me." said Cas.
"And now you're heading back to your usual contempt for yourself."
"Or respect for Jules." said Cas.
"If it's respect, you should respect her judgement. She chose to become involved with you. She thinks you're good enough."
"I can't help wondering why."
"Because she knows you, dumb... " Dean stopped and said, "You know what? I'm gonna pick my words more carefully around you."
"It would be nice."
"Are you ready to go downstairs and talk to Sam and Sarah?" said Dean, "And no is a perfectly valid answer."
"I'm okay." said Cas.
